Should I Forgive My Friend? My Son Taught Her Daughter a "Bad" Word...

WOW! I think you have every right to be hurt and upset. I would call your friend, tell her how much she means to you and ow thankful you are for the break. I would then tell her how you are feeling. remind her that her child taught your 2 year old a bad word fight off the bat and you felt they went overboard with your child. Tell her you need a "break" from talking to her for awhile until your emotions have cooled down and you feel you can forgive her for treating your child like a criminal rather than the child he is. I would even tell her that their treatment made your child feel almost suicidal. sadly if she becomes angry with you it might be the end of the friendship, and that might be for the best. If this friendship means a lot to you then you might want to tell her that. I would even write down the things you want to say to her so you don't forget everything you need to say. I think it is really important that you talk to her, so she knows why you haven't felt like talking to her. Best of luck!

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Hi J.,

I must first tell you that I am so sorry that this happened to you and to your son. Th one thing that I think I would stress to you is that forgiveness will do more to heal you in the beginning then it might do to heal your relationship, but I know that it can heal this relationship. Second, and most importantly this situation is something you need to bring back in front of your son and I will tell you why. There are many things that come to mind from reading your post.

1. Your GF handled the situation in a very unforgiving and painful way, especially towards your 8 y/o son. As a Christian, I have noticed how some Christians can be highly judgmental and at times clobbering with their attitudes towards other people. This type of attitude prevents them from really getting to the heart of the situation. Not allowing your son forgiveness, ostracizing him and making him unwelcome even at the dinner table was just plain wrong when he was a guest in their home. A guest, who should have been loved unconditionally.

2. The way this couple used fear, guilt and humiliation were just as cruel. As parents they could have used the situation to teach their own children about letting go of hurt, but they encouraged their own daughters (misplaced fear) by teaching her to run from people that are different. They also taught your son to fear himself, to be ashamed of himself, not just for using a bad word, but for even being born. I am sorry that he ever went through that.

3. I again stress that your son was only 8 y/o, he has the experience of other situations, and he has just been taught (by the "good" Christian family that God does not love people that make mistakes. That is so awful.

For that reason and that reason alone, you have to God to your son and show him how God uses imperfect people. From Abraham the liar, to David the thief and killer, to Solomon the man who turned to other Gods, to the woman at the well, and all of the disciples. He has used prostitutes and he has even used me!!!! Tell you son, that God loves him and that God made him special and that what happened to him was the mistake of someone that misunderstood a simple situation.

You have already done the hard part by explaining to him that it is not always our duty to teach someone else what those terrible words mean. But I honor what you did because you took the badness out of the word by breaking it down so that it was not so important to your son. You did such a good job that I truly feel that he was just warning this person that he cared about. All the mother had to do for her daughter was say, "Honey, we do not use nor do we encourage the use of that word. Please do not use it again." All that other stuff, including crying to your son, was just guilt used inappropriately.

I have a young girl that I call my baby sister. She is beautiful in every way. The woman that raised her has been like a mother to me. However, this woman has grown fearful in her older years. She raised 2 well adjusted young men, who attended public schools and they are upstanding Christian men to this day. However, 20 years later, when she had this young daughter, she decided to home school her claiming that the world has turned rotten. This young woman is now 16 years old. She noticed that my daughters had ear piercings, that they read all kinds of books (encouraged by me), that they knew intimate details about my life, that they could wear light shades of make-up and that they could participate in certain activities. The young woman told my children that she thought it was inappropriate for them. Then she came to me and said the same thing. I flatly stated, in front of my children, this young woman who is like my sister and this woman that is like a mother to me, that my children need to know the truth, that sheltering them is not always protection and that this type of honestly will allow them a bigger connection with God and I left it at that.

A few years before this happened, some of the kids in our church got into an argument and this young lady was so upset she was brought to tears and had to leave and was unable to participate in activities with those kids again. What her mother essentially did was start a new bible study for only her daughter. Now her daughter has absolutely no connection to the inner city children that attend the church. She fears them. They are great kids, they are trying to get into college and they are loving and funny and interesting, but she will never be able to enjoy them as people because of the mistakes her mother made long ago and is still making.

You are probably wondering why I allow my children to be around this young lady. One it is not her fault. But she will never learn to love people for who they are if she never gets to be around people that love her for who she really is. It is a learning tool. I need them to see why it is so hard for Christians who set themselves apart in such a way, to be able to reach out to people who are actually hurting.

God reached out to someone like me. I was for all purposes the kind of kid that most people thought less of. But somehow God showed me favor. Situations that could have been horrible, he protected me through. When I was hurting and down right discouraged, He found a way to reach me and that was because he did not fear me. And that is the way that He treated everyone that came to him in the Bible.

I use that to show my children how wrong people can be about God. Christians often want people that are cleaned up, it makes it easier for us to reach out. Your GF, was absolutely wrong in what she did to your son. Tell her that! It is clear that you love her very much, reach out and then leave it at that. She may not respond, but use the Bible, to dictate the examples if you have to. It may take a while but God will heal her heart. A healing needs to take place in her life, her husbands life, in your life and especially in your sons life.

I hope this has been helpful and I am sorry it was so long winded.

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I decided to read your story, and a couple things come up. First of all, your son sounds like a wonderful boy. You're right that children become exposed to the world as they grow older, and it's not healthy to create a "bubble" around them. A close family membeer is this way with her children (now 9 and 11), who are completely disfunctional as a result. She is also very religious, but this over protection has hurt her kids in the long run, in being able to make decisions for themselves or play any part in social situations.

You have to first realize that there is an underlying problem here, which is the fundamental differences between you and your friend. I wouldn't forget about the S-word situation completely, but I would communicate the bigger picture to your friend (yes, tell her, don't just block her out or hide your feelings). If she truly does believe in God and his teachings, then she must understand and practice forgiveness (of your son not you).

If I were you I would also want her to understand how much your son was hurt, and that no matter what she knows about him, you know that he is a very good person. Kids will be kids, I remember using these words behind closed doors when I was little too. He is simply learning about things that her kids will inevitably learn about as well.

You need to communicate to your son that you feel differently than your friend and that you understand that he made a mistake but that it didn't deserve the silent treatment from the whole group. Make sure he understands that it is okay.

And also important, you need to let go of the guilt you feel, and mark it as a lesson learned. Perhaps looking back, removing yourselves from that situation would have been best, but I understand what a tough call it would have been under the circumstances. To salvage any piece of your relationship with your friend, if you so desire, I would communicate (in a letter if it will get the point accross or enable you to stand your ground better) how you feel, why you are hurt, and what you hope for your friendship. Decide if you want this relationship in your life despite your differences. It's better to confront and address these feelings, and this will enable you to go to sleep and not have to think about it any more! Don't beat yourself up about this, you sound like an incredible mother.

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This is easy. Tell your friend to F#@k off.

Sorry. How unchristian like of me. Really though. How dare she do that to your child. If it were my son, I would tell him that sometimes, some parents think they are doing good things for their kids, but in the process forget to think how it makes other kids feel.

As far as your friend goes, I would tell her the impact she had on you son, and ultimately, your relationship wht her, and she needs to really think long and hard about what she did, and even apologize to your son. If she isn't willing to admit that she overreacted, than you are better without that kind of friend in your, or your childs life.

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Two basic things happened here. Your friends children taught your 2 year old a bad word and laugh it off. Second, your son taught their daughter a bad word and was ostisized!
It sounds like there is a double standard in place and that you don't measure up to their prefect family.

Double standard and your friend should apologize for her families behavior. If they are as Christian as they say they are, they would not have treated your son in such an unchristian manner. Tell them to take the log out of their eye before casting the first stone!

I would forgive them because it is the right thing to do but would tell them you don't want unchristian and unforgiving people around your children. How long is your son to pay for one mistake when Christ died for all the sins in the world. God has forgiven him how dare they play God and with hold their forgiveness.

Now lets put this in the right way. Sin is in the world. People make mistakes everyday (even Christians) This whole thing was blow out of proportion and your friend should be making amends to you for teaching a two year old bad words as well as making your son the outcast.

It is Christians like them that give us all a bad name and no wonder people don't want anything to do with God if this is the way we treat eachother.

Evil is in the world and it is better to learn bad words and other things in the home with a loving parent to guild and instuct then to treat your son like he did some unforgiveable sin. I only know one and that is blasphem the Holy Spirit.

I would tell your friend she overreacted and that if your son kill himself it is on her head (yea thats mean) But she might think twice and relize she over reacted!

C. B

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I'm sorry but these people sound awful. Living their lives with so much fera and trying to control everything, these are the kids you'll probably see with blue hair sneaking cigarettes at the park. The father made an increidibly huge deal out of something so normal( testing limits and boundaries). He also gave your son SO MUCH Power because of all the fear. Yes, the minute he ostracised your baby in front of you you should have walked and maybe salvaged the relationship with your girlfriend IF SHE APOLOGIZED TO YOU FOR HERS AND HER HUSBANDS HORRIBLE PUNITIVE BEHAVIOR! I re read what you wrote, these people are AWFUL! Your poor baby! ok, he said a bad word and that is not ok but that's life and no matter where you go you will here this stuff, kids will ultimately emulate you. so if you set a good example they will be ok! And all this drama, so not healthy and normal, crying because of a cuss word, come on! End this relationship now which will be easy because she is out of town, friends look out for eachother and their kids, these people are not healthy and this drama will just continue. God brings people in to our lives for a reason, what's the lesson to be learned here? I know ending a twenty year friendship sounds cold but they sound awful, maybe that relationship was meant for that time in your life but now it is time to move on! Bless you and your kids, and your son!

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Oh girl, I feel so bad for you. I know how hard friendships can be sometimes, especially those you've had for a long time and want to hold on to because you've known them for so long.

In this case, I think you should just back away. Anything you may say will probably go in one ear and out the other. It sounds like they're a little out there in fantasyland regarding raising their kids. And you'll have no luck changing their way of thinking. They want to keep their kids locked in a bubble, more power to them, in the end, your child will prevail as their kids will not be able to function in real life.

Your definately better off finding new friends for yourself and your son, how sad how they treated him. An 8 year old boy! There's some issues in that family. I've seen stuff like that, and it's so hard to not say something, problem is, they won't listen and believe what they are doing is right. Only the future will show them how wrong they are.

Keep doing what your doing and raising your kids the best way you know how, they will be well rounded in the end.

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Good Grief! This, in my opinion, is a total deal breaker. I mean, for real. This person is not a friend if she would be comfortable ostersizing your son over a WORD. I would have left immediately and been done with it. I would have protested at the mere suggestion that my son be punished beyond being spoken to about it. It sounds to me like you have wonderfully normal kids and the poor thing was simply being human. Maybe I am much too unforgiving, but it is your son we are talking about. I think he needs to see you go to bat for him and let him know he is more important than those people, not to mention, that what they think is not what is true. You should in no way be embarrassed of him or what he did. They should be ashamed of themselves. No good, loving person allows another to feel that way. Especially an eight year old boy.

I know that losing friendships and changing relationships can be hard. But it is always important to surround ourselves with people who bring us joy and share our values. Sometimes the person who once was that is not that anymore. I wish you luck. Please be sure to remind your boy that he is perfect in spite of his humanness.

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Hi J.,

I'm sick for you. My oldest is 4, so I'm just getting into this whole 'outside' world of school kids, etc... You have many GOOD questions and I probably would have done the same as you due to shock. I don't think you or your son were wrong - as you said he's 8 and goes to school. And in the end, he did apologize because he didn't know any better. I APPLAUD you for teaching him the truth with respect to his age, but also that he needs to respect others on when/how they want to teach their kids. I know that is REALLY hard as I'm trying to teach my sons those values too.

Don't dwell on the 'should I have gotten a hotel' thing. It's over and not worth the mental energy.

I respect your friend and her husband for trying to keep their kids in a bubble as long as they have, but I really have a problem with how they handled their end of this situation. Apparently, they don't realize how naive their kids are going to be when they enter the 'real' world and to me that is WAY more scary than having an informed child. At least your son taught the correct definition! :)

In my opinion, it's a done deal, your son apologized and so your responsibility has ended. On the other hand, I think they owe you and your family an apology for excluding your son. You are the parent, not them REGARDLESS of the fact that you were in their house. If they want that bubble, they shouldn't have invited you or told you up front before you visited so you could handle your kids.

I think you need to tell your friend how you are feeling either in writing or on the phone. It's obviously bothering you and you need to come clean and get it off your chest. But you also need to be prepared in case she decides to end your relationship. At least you will have a clean conscious.

Best of luck to you. M.

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First, it doesn't matter what you should have done as that is in the past.
Moving forward you have to decide what her friendship is worth to you.
Seems like there is a lot of history there, however she handled the whole situation way and beyond what was okay and she herself should be sitting there thinking of a way to make it up to you.
Kids say bad words, they get bad words from grown ups!! It happens. Her daughter cannot live in a box nor is it solely his fault that he just said it to her. He was told it was not okay, you handled him in YOUR own way and that should have been it.
How confusing if the little one says "bu##!" I mean seriously. Did the world end, did anything horrible happen because of a WORD? NO!
I think they were so very wrong to treat your son so horribly and for that I would totally stand up for my child.
I am doubting your friend is the perfect parent and I am betting she has screwed up on occassion, that said who is she to judge a 8 year old and do the punishment? I am sorry I would have left right then and there!!!
Her husband sounds like a total jerk and they can deal with their own kids how they seem fit but not yours.
You have to be honest, not avoid her. I would tell her that you cannot let it go until you speak your peace. I would let her know she was totally out of line the way she treated your son and that the only reason you didn't confront her then was because not to ruin the last few days of the trip.
Tell her if she needs to protect her child so much, put her in a box and lock it up, if wasn't your son saying it, it would be someone else! And for a 8 year old to be "afraid" when someone says something bad instead of just saying "you know that isn't appropriate", is her bad parenting. I mean really?
I am so sorry, but as far as I would deal with it, my child and their feelings would be first and foremost. I wouldn't play the avoid game as that isn't fair to your friend.
Good luck! Be honest about how you feel.
Hindsight is 20/20, literally and you are totally in line to speak up on your son's behalf!

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ok, first off, we can't protect our kids from all bad in the world. You just tell the kids the truth. Some words are not nice things to be said. Andd yes some do say them. We don't use those words here. Plain and simple. You do have a right to raise your kids the way you see fit. But the truth in the matter is there are terrible things and they need to know of it, and how to deal with it. Yes at 8 yrs old. They need to of sex too. At 8 yrs old. If they don't they will wind up doing thing you don't want them doing and in places you don't want them going. Information is a good thing, given it is good and correct and given by good parents as you seem to be. Yes kids will be kids. Just deal with it as it comes. Let them know what you feel is right and wrong and stick to it. don't give in and keep your morals with the faith you have.

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OK, first, cut yourself some slack, you are a great mom!! Maybe you didn't do everything "right" for your son in the exact moment it happened but remember that every moment is a fresh start. Beating yourself up after imagining different outcomes isn't going to erase what happened, or make it any different for any of you. Yesterday's history. Tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift.

There's a lot of hurt here and in my opinion, you need to deal with your son's hurt first. I like the approach of letting him know you love him, that sharing the word was wrong but also letting him know that adults aren't perfect either, people are real and everyone makes mistakes. I think it's appropriate for you to share with him that you think your friend was wrong, that you wouldn't treat others like that in your house and that you're sorry the whole thing played out the way it did. Don't dwell on it with him. I think a heart-to-heart would be good and then drop it. Kids can be much more resilient with this type of stuff if they know they are safe and loved. It sounds like your son is both safe and loved. :o)

As for your friend ... to me, it sounds like she was coming at this situation from a place of complete fear. Overreacting like that means it's far bigger in her mind than it was in yours. I also agree with other responses that there is a lot of hypocrisy going on here. Holier than thou kind of stuff. That's no fun to be around.

The comment you made about the husband possibly "spanking the dickens out of him" if it was his son got me wondering if your friend may have been trying to overcompensate for her husband not being there, especially if he's the disciplinarian. How your friend cried, how she said this "hurt" their family ... it all sounds like she was afraid something far worse was going to happen as a result of the bad word coming out in their home. Is it possible she may be at fault by her husband for being the one to bring these outsiders into their bubble and taint their perfectly sheltered lives? I'm COMPLETELY speculating here. However, abuse can come in all forms and (even subtle) emotional abuse is the most common and well-hidden ... especially if they're living in a perfectly protected bubble. I don't know ... when I read your post I just kept thinking, wow. What was your friend afraid of?? And the daughter? To be SCARED of the word and therefore scared of your son? A lot of fear going on here and I bet it has less to do with a four-letter word and more to do with something else. Maybe there's no abuse. Maybe they are just too sheltered and your visit was like a shock to the system of their bubble-living lives. Who knows ... Just my impression from reading your post is that this family is pretty fearful.

I'm the type of person that needs to get to the bottom of things and understand the whys of a situation. If you still feel like this woman is a friend and she is someone you want in your life, I would try to approach the subject with something like, "You know, I've been thinking a lot about what happened during our visit. We had such a great time up until that point. I know (your son's name) shouldn't have said what he said and it was wrong, but I really felt like there was more going on with you to react so harshly. I just wasn't expecting that kind of reaction from you. What happened there? Is everything ok?" Kids are kids! One mistake does not mean your son is a bad kid that isn't worthy of playing with the other children. The punishment did not fit the crime. I think it's totally appropriate as well, to let her know how much it upset you and how much it upset your son. Plus, I would use it as an opportunity to let her know what you'll stand for and what you won't. It's hard when you're at someone else's house, you try to be respectful because it's their house. However, they took it too far, in my opinion. You can come back to her after some time to contemplate the situation and say that you didn't feel right about how she treated your son, and you, and that you don't want anything like that to happen again. Ask her how she would have handled it if the tables were turned!!! I think if you're this upset about it (and rightfully so) that you need to resolve it or get some closure on it in order to get past it.

You may find through the conversation that your values as friends and parents are no longer in synch and that's OK.

Good luck and remember that you're a great mom!!

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Hi J.,

Wow, what a week you have had. I have so many thoughts about this I can only imagine what you are going through. It seems that your GF and her family are a bit isolating and protective of their children. That is their right to do so but that have to know that any play dates with other kids could bring in infomation that they are not ready to deal with. I am sure that your son being in public school and knowing the meaning of this word is confimation to them that they are doing the right thing in 'their' minds! Well, it was a bit eye opening for them that they will not be able to protect their children all the time. If they do go to church it is possible to have the same thing happen there. We go to church too. Kids talk and want to feel like they are in the know. I am sure it was upsetting to your GF and family BUT good GRIEF your son is 8 years old. He needed protection from them and the whole situation. They totally have over reacted and even after the apology they really didn't IMHO seem forgiving. Your son shouldn't have been treated like that. It was a WORD and he is 8 and said he was sorry. You had talked to him about it. I don't think I would have allowed my GF to have that talk with my child. I think if they were treating my child like that I would definitely have gone to a hotel or changed my flight to an earlier one. At that point the way they treated your son and YOU is horrible. So horrible. I would be upset as well. I think you have a right to be upset how they treated you and son. I think it was your responsibility to protect your son from their over reaction. It is done now though and I would explain to your son that although what he did was wrong ... on the scale of bad things this was not the big one. I probably would email the GF and get these feeling out. You also now know that it is going to be hard to bring your two families together because she has choosen a different plan. Not necessarily a wrong plan but a different one than you have choosen. You can't be responsible everytime the "world" comes into their lives. I think it odd that they allow the two year old to say that saying. It is weird that that is okay in their family. My biggest concern is how your son was treated. I am worried that he feels he has done something so horrible that it is unforgivable. That is basically what your friends showed him. Yes, by words they forgave but not in actions and what a conflict for your son. I WOULD never go back to her home with my kids. I would email her with your feelings and concerns. I would let her know that they way they treated your son could have long lasting reprocussions in is interpersonal dealings with people and that him teaching the sh** word was wrong but will not have the deep impact on GF daughther ~ but I believe your son will be cautious and changed from this for a long time.

How sad. I am sorry that it happened to both families and that it was SO blown out of propotion.

I would concentrate on my son now...FIRST before you GF and explain to him that what he did was wrong but the way it was handled was even worse. I would try and alleve any guilt and worry that he has. Most of all give him lots of hugs/love and reasurance.

C.

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I think that your friend and her dh over reacted. They can't keep their kids sheltered forever and someday that girl would have heard the naughty word. I have an 8 year old. She has heard ALL of the naughty words. She knows not to say them. It is reality. I feel bad for your son. He should not have been ostracized. He is a child,m he is learning, too. I think that you should let your friend know how you feel.

A.

I think that you should forward your girlfriend everything you just wrote.

I am someone that is frequently told that I try to shelter my children, and I am okay with that. Having said that, I cannot imagine such an extreme response. It has been my observation that children take their cues from the parents and the more traumatized you act over a situation, the more importance your children place on that event. My child was once referred to in a racist manner (my child is black) I was so shocked and hurt it was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears and making a scene. I had to decide what would harm them more..would they remember the unkind remark if I didn't create a scenario to go along with it? I looked at my child and said, that in trying to be funny, that grown up really just wasn't being nice and we always need to think about other's feelings. All of this to say I think that your girlfriend placed way too much significance on something that would eventually happen, our children will hear bad words.

I am a big believer in talking things out, so I would tell her how you feel. Maybe it could help things, and if you are unsure about continuing the friendship anyway then it certainly won't hurt.

To your son, I would explain that God talks about what comes out of our mouths being a reflection of our heart and that is why it is so important to really try to try to use lauguange that is not offensive to others. Then I would apologize to him for not sticking up for him more under the circumstances. I would express disappointment at what he said and explain (again) in your family, it is not okay to use those words, but that the punishment inflicted upon him by your friends was in retrospect wrong. I would explain that you were confused as to the best way to handle it and also didn't want to cause further hurt feelings, you really thought you had selected the best option, but realize that the way they treated him was equally wrong. Explain if you had to do it over you would leave or try to help your friends come up with a more fair way of treatment. Tell him how much you love him and that your family wouldn't be the same without him and then let it go.

I go to church, my husband is a youth pastor, and I am shocked at the lack of ungraciousness your friend offered your son. We all make mistakes and do inappropriate things from time to time. I wouldn't be mean and vicious to your friend but I would certainly explain to her the impact her ungraciousness had on your son! That is way more devastating an awful than the four letter word your son taught her daughter! GIVE ME A BREAK! It may mean an end to your friendship, which is something you have to weigh carefully, but I don't think I would want my children be to exposed to their lifestyle of judgment and lack of forgiveness. They don't really seem to kid friendly!

Hi there,
The whole thing is absurd to me. Unfortunately I believe there is nothing you can do about the issue at this point. It sounds to me that your girlfriend and her husband have a very strong belief in how they want to raise their kids. I think it is unrealistic what they are doing but it is what they have decided. It probably would have been better for your son if you had taken in to a hotel but what is done is done and no need to rethink it at this point. Your son's feelings should be a priority and seeing that your friend didn't show any concern how this affected him, I don't know that I would call her a friend after this. Kids ae kids, they make mistakes as do adults. Putting these kind of expectations on kids is what is really absurd about the whole thing in my eyes.

What kind of Christian ostracizes a child because of one bad word? Boy do I hate hypocrisy. And it wasn't even one of the truly offensive ones. And why was the daughter crying? Is a synonym for poop really that traumatizing? Seriously, what if your son had said, "discombobulated means confused" would the girl started crying because she had never heard the word discombobulated before???? If I were you, focus on your son and how he is feeling. What a horrible experience for him. You might want to consider apologizing to him for not just leaving when your friends overreacted the way they did.

You might need a little distance before talking to your friend about her overreaction.

Hi,
First I am so sorry for your situation. Second, if I were you I would drop kick your girlfriend. She doesn't sound like a friend at all. A friend would love you and your children and wouldn't want to hurt your children or you. Always stick up for your children and discuss with them your feelings on the situation later in private, children are vulnerable and in my opinion they need to know of your love and support and even if they do something wrong you will not abandon their feelings. Sometimes they don't even know what they are doing is wrong.

Good Luck, and maybe remind your "friend" that God has forgiveness and unconditional love, isn't she trying to be like him?!

J.,

OMG!! As I am reading through your concern I am getting more and more mortified at how your GF and her family treated your son. I understand they want to raise their children a certain way and have every right to do so, however, welcome to the real world. They need to understand how kids talk to each other and be available to explain things to them so they understand what is appropriate and what isn't. As you do with your children.

Personally, I think they now owe you and your son an apology for how they chose to treat an 8 yr old child. They should have let you know what happened, had you talk to your son, he apologizes and that is the end of it. The way they handled it is outrageous and inconsiderate of his feelings and your parenting.

We are a church going family as well, and don't allow that kind of talk in our home, but we also live in reality and a fantasy world.

Okay. I'm done. I'm sorry if that offended anyone, but I was horrified by how they treated this boy - and, it' just my opinion.

C.

Holy cow. That's a lot of drama over the s-word!

Don't second-guess yourself over what you did/didn't do. It sounds like you've already come up with another plan, should another "friend" ever be so unkind to your children. I hope, for their sake, that their children NEVER make any mistakes...you can certainly see what will happen to them if they do. Yikes.

If it were me, I'd sit down with my son and have a serious talk about how upset you are now that you've had time to really think about what happened. Tell him straight-up that their treatment of him was unfair. Sure, you don't want him teaching those words to everyone, but the bottom line is that they are *just* words. He is a human being, and a "fragile" (in terms of having the thick skin to ignore their behavior toward him) one at that, being so young. He didn't hurt anybody physically, he didn't swear at her and call her names.

I think I would have a hard time ever feeling comfortable with someone who had shown such little regard for my child's feelings. If her daughter were so "injured" by what your son said, your GF should have asked you all to leave. It is not her responsibility nor her right to discipline YOUR child unless you ask her to.

You could always play it lightly with your GF and just tell her that it seems that your priorities no longer fit, and that it's best that you both just move on. If you do talk to her about it, I would make it very clear how hurt your son was by the whole thing. If she knows how much it impacted him, *maybe* she'll think twice before treating her own children with such disrespect. (I'm sorry... I'm actually rather disgusted with what she & her DH did to your kid. Ugh.)

Best of luck. Hope you've got some better friends than that!!

I would break off the friendship. I would not want my child to think that I was ok with someone treating him like that. Sure he shouldn't have said that but it is really not that big of a deal. However the way they reacted and made him feel is a really big deal! I feel bad for their kids because they are not going to have any idea how to cope with the real world when they have to become a part of it!

J.,
I am sorry for the hurt you and your children are going through. I think that the situation was put way out of proportion. I think your GF reacted in fear. I wonder if she realized that by her making a bigger deal out of the situation that she taught her child that this is a way of geting a reaction. However this is a GF that you cared enough about to spend a vacation with her, I think that you should write out all that you WANT to say to her--good bad and ugly. Then let it set for a while then revise what you wrote and send it to her. Writing it first gets it off your chest but does not cause any more pain. Then revising it will possibly put in a way that your GF realized the pain. I don't think that anymore hurting words need to be exchanged. You will feel worse if you say anything hurting. You have done a great job with your kids. And she has done the best that she can given what she knows and her experience. I don't agree that is the way I want to raise my son but I can't condemn because that teaches them to not be tolerant of others value. Of course I am no expert but I wanted to pipe in my feelings. Good luck on this incredibly difficult situation and hang in there.

First, dont beat yourself up over not taking your child out their house. I can totally understand not thinking straight while it is going on. Hind sight is 20/20, we all can think of things we should have done.

To answer your questions, yes your son was wrong in what he did. He should have been talked to, maybe a priviledge (like t.v. or no playing in the sprinkler) taken away for a day and told to apologize (once, no need to keep bringing it up). But he is a child this is what children do. Your friend was totally in the wrong for what she did to your child.

In hind site, yes I would have left the house. I don't care if I would had to take a taxi and charge the hotel, I would not have stayed.

Your friend and her family are out of touch with reality. I know people like that. You can not shelter your kids from everything. What are they going to do when the kids are adults and someone says the "S" word in front of them. Are they going to freak out.

OK I digress. I just have very strong feeling about this.

I would tell your friend about how this has effected your son. So that they do not do this to another child. I also would not bring the kids together again. If they are in town and you want to see her, make it a ladies night out and leave the kids at home.

How is your son doing? My heart goes out to him. No child should be treated this way.

All I can say is wow. Sounds like your friend and her family need a little dose of reality. I have heard of sheltering, but that is taking it to a whole new level. I don't think your son deserved to be treated the way he was and that is a terrible way to treat guests let alone a friend. I prefer my daughter not hear bad words, but know it is going to happen reagardless. I think you did a fabulous job explaining to your son and have nothing to feel bad about.

J.,
First, the first little question, when situations come up like that it is a shock especially when people are over reacting. You did the best you could have done at the moment. And they were completely unfair and wrong to treat your son the way they did especially when they invited you all to their home.
Second little question. You take the blame for what your son did but you already handled that situation, when you and your girlfriend had the talk with him. And he knows that when it comes to bad words he shouldn't tell other kids what they mean.
Now the Big question. If the situation is still bothering you and you and your friend have not discussed it since you have been home and you think you should then you do need to discuss it with her. But before you do keep in mind that if either of you don't like what the other has to say then your friendship could end up ending. But you also have to remember your kids are first in your life and it's your job to protect your son. I also feel it woud be a good idea to talk to your son about the whole calling grandma and telling her he wished he was dead. What he did was not as horrible as your friend and her family made it, he is only 8 years old and you and him had already apologized, you need to explain to him that what they did was wrong and that apologizing was the right thing to do and that you are very proud of him and not to let what they did to him bother him, that people sometimes do mean things and it is best not to dwell on the mean thing and just go on with your life and enjoy it. Your son is more important then your friend and you need to keep that in mind when you talk to your son and if you talk to your friend.
Good Luck Always
And God Bless
E.

Wow. I read your story, and before responding I read through all the advice given so far. It's obvious that you value the friendship with this family. Your friendship may or may not end if you talk to your GF. But your friendship will surly be ruined if you don't speak up.

I agree with Erika B. In everything she said. Read her post a couple of times, write out your feelings towards your friend and what needs to be said, and then give her a call. I don't agree with just emailing or writing her, as things can easily be misinterpreted. And this is a big deal. Worth the phone call.

Good luck.

J.,
I can't tell from your note what your GF has been like in other situations in the past. However, I can infer from your decision to visit her for a whole week (when you have little time off) that she has been pretty reasonable before. My first reaction was to wonder whether this man (her husband) is pretty emotionally abusive to his family? Why else would they (your GF and her daughter) cower in fear over the word S***? It seems your friend's tears were less of guilt and more of a fearful wife worried what her husband would think if her kids repeated it. She was probably so happy to have you there that she feared losing you (because your husband would ban you). I have had so many really nice GFs marry men who were really very emotionally abusive and controlling. Rather narcissistic themselves, these men imagine themselves to be perfect and their children, as ONLY a reflection of themselves, also needing to be perfect. They will give lip service to Christian ideas of being "good" but in their actions do not live by teachings in the Scripture, as your friends demonstrated here. Rather, they are more like the Pharisees Christ warned us about. They are the ones in the front row at Church but would not helping a woman in need. I sense from your confusion that you were shocked-- as in you hadn't detected this possibility before. I have found that when that much confusion is present, usually you are dealing with a little bit of psychopathology. I did not learn this until I myself hit a brick wall and came up against someone extremely narcissistic and damaging in the most subtle ways. If your GF is as thoughtful as you, she probably married him thinking he was such a nice guy and tries to live up to that crazy ideal. The bottom line seems to be that that man is not someone you want as a role model for your son. You may be able to say something to your girlfriend to help her wake up a little, but don't be surprised if not much happens. They will have a perfect vision of the world and, more importantly, of themselves. The best thing you can teach your son is how to interpret those confusing actions, to feel OK about making a mistake and to be happy to have so many gifts (including a loving mom). I myself have, in hind-sight, wanted to do and say so much more than I did in the past now that I understand things better. However, it just washes like water over a rock in the closed mind. You can't change them. You can know for the future yourself and teach your son how to discern that most fundamental concept Christ himself tried to show us. "People of the Lie" is a good book about this, as is "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Adult Children of Narcissistic Adults." They're all too much to read for this one little situation, but if you have others close to you who behave this way, these books are really insightful.

Wow, what an ordeal. It is crazy the way she handled your son. AND, completely unacceptable. For the little bubble she lives in, her and her husband effectively taught your son how NOT to deal with a situation of conflict and I think he needs to know that. I believe you can discount (without completely discrediting your GF) her behavior and help him understand that what he did was wrong, but so was the way the grownups handled it. Maybe you can start by asking if he liked the way that made him feel, and tell him that it is not okay to make other people feel that way either, you know, the Golden Rule thing. And, maybe that we all make bad choices, even grownups, and do things that we find out later were really bad things to do/say.

I agree completely with most of your responses. I think that your friend needs to swallow a humble pill as well. She needs to know that her over-reaction caused your son to say and feel like he wanted to die. If she is a true friend and Christian, she too will learn from the circumstance (b/c I'm pretty sure Christ would not ever make someone feel that way, even if he knew he was going to be betrayed to his death by a "friend"). At some point, her kids are going to find much worse things to say, that is for sure, and with more malice, not just curiosity. She is going to have to figure out how to handle it without moving her family into a cave in northern Syberia.

Good luck, it is hard to deal with extremeists....but it sounds like your family is really well grounded and solid! :)

I think the family is insane and you are better off to be rid of them!
Talk about over reacting!!!
Kids will be kids and like it or not their children will hear and find out about things on their own. It is just too bad they are so uptight that they can't have an open relationship with their kids to talk about such things, without turning it into a meltdown of sorts.
If anyone had treated my child in such a manner and made them to feel that much of an outcast I would have stood up for them and left the situation! You are there to protect you child, not have them see you bow down to a family that clearly is not dealing in the reality we all live in!
Next time think of your child first and the feelings of other second!!!