Should I Change My Daughter's Last Name?

I know I am really late answering this but I had to give you my 2 cents. I have a very embarrasing last name (at least growing up it was for me) so I know what your daughter is going thru. I asked my dad to changed it and his answer to me was: "you can let other people decide your name for you (and change it) or you can be smarter and get ahead of them (so you make fun of your name before they do)", so I started saying my name and adding something funny about it...it worked like a charm. After a while nobody was interested on making fun of my name anymore. It took practice, at the beginning it was infuriating but after a while it really became part of my personality. I certainly learned not to take myself so seriously and to stand up for myself.
My friend (her last name was Dick) always introduced herself like this: "Karla Dick....like the member but capitalized".
Everybody laughed and that was that.
Humor always worked for me. I sincerely hope this helps.
Good Luck.

1 mom found this helpful

N.,

I can see your concern about setting up a bad precendent that might allow your daughter to think that there is "an easy way out" of difficult situations, but I think that this might be a little different. It sounds like it is not just a difficult last name for a girl if your older son doesn't seem to care for it and felt that your younger son might have benefitted from your name as well.

I do think that this is something that eventually your daughter could overcome, but if it's causing this much upset for her and your husband is ok with her changing her name, then I think that maybe you guys should talk about it as a family and decide what everyone wants to do - ie, if you change your daughter's last name, would you change your youngest's name as well so that they would have the same last name?

I can see where a daughter would want to have the same last name as her mother, too. My best friend kept her name when she got married and each of her children has her name as a middle name and her husband's name as a last name, but it has been interesting at school functions and what-not, especially with her daughter (the oldest is getting old enough now to recognize she and mom don't have the same last name, but that her friend's and their mom's do).

I think that if you decide to give your daughter some relief and change her last name that if you make a fairly big deal out of it... many family discussions, even having your daughter write out some things about it... have some kind of "process" for it so that it seems like the big change that it is, that will mitigate the potential problems with her feeling like there is an easy way out of uncomfortable things. Or from the feeling like family associations and heritage are something to be changed like shoes.

I hope that all made sense.... I'm at work, so these are just the thoughts off the top of my head.

I will say that I was moved to answer because I had an issue when I was about her age (I was 8) that my parents felt would "toughen me up" by just making me go through it, that, as an adult, I can evaluate now and while, yes, I suppose that in some ways I did get thicker skin over it, I'm not sure it was worth the cost of the wasted years and lasting bad feelings.

It's hard as a parent, though, because you don't have that crystal ball which will show you the outcome of both paths so that you pick the best one!

Best of luck with this.

P.

Kids are mean - whether it's her last name or something else - they will find something and use it. You should teach her to be proud of it. Maybe find a book that goes into the history of what that name is, and paint the picture of a great family past that should be carried into the future.

Our names our part of our identity - by changing it based on what other people do or think sends a message that says we need to change ourselves based on what other people say/do/think.

Just my thoughts. Good Luck with whatever you do!

LP

I feel for her, however, I think you made an excellent point about if you give in to this, she may expect you to give in to other serious things as well.

Maybe if you take a different approach like, explain how wonderful it is for her to share her daddy's name, it is a special gift only he can give her, and one day, her future husband can give her his last name to replace her daddy's. Show her how her daddy is a good man, and noone makes fun of his name to him anymore.

And let her know that true friends will like and respect her no matter her name. Maybe point out her other talents and things that are special about her so she can lose some focus off the name.

Also, it seems weird that she would be heckled so much because of the name. Kids are brutal, and if it isn't the name today, tommorrow it will be her weight or height or acne breakouts, or her modesty or lack of fashion sense or whatever they find fitting at the time.

I know several people that had embarrassing last names, but they just stuck through it and it didn't bother them after they matured a bit. Good luck!

N.,

Kids will be cruel and unfortunately your daughter will soon realize this covers many areas. Please promote her healthy self-image by maintaining her father's name.

There will be many many peer pressure concerns to address with your daughter in the future. I don't believe her name should be negotiable.

It is so important the we understand and respect our heritage. By changing her name, she changes her family association, in my opinion. When she is older, she can choose a new name by selecting a husband.

And now you made everybody very curious, what is your husbands last name????

I.

Life is full of battles. Some you go win and some you never stop fighting. This is a battle she may not win anytime soon. Can you handle watching your daughter go through this for the next ten years of her life? I know that would tear me apart to watch my son go through it. I would allow her to use both last names. That way she has a part of both of you and no one has to suffer. Why should she have to learn a lesson from this? She will have plenty of reasons down the road to learn to have thicker skin. Plus your husband seems like a reasonable guy. He was okay with you using your maiden name. It seems unfair to say it is not okay for her to use a last name when you didn't. Using both names seems to be a good solution.

I think you should let her change her name. Her last name is who she is and if she wants her dad's name, that's great. She wants a real identity as his little girl. That is not like clothing! This is not frivolous.

I agree with her. It's confusing and it hurts and it's not something that has to.

Good luck!
J.

I think I would keep it, or hyphenate as an alternative. I always did feel for those kids with last names like "Fuch" or "Weiner." Life is tough enough for some kids. My maiden name is "Dougherty" & I was forever "dorkie" or "shorty Dougherty"- & I was kind of dorkie & definitely short...so I probably would've gotten picked on regardless!

She does need to toughen up a LITTLE, and I think the best thing you can do is reinforce her good traits in her mind- so that even if she is teased about her name, she can come to see she is more than just her name- her real identity is the person she is...does that make sense? You could even do some research with her on her father's name, so that she could learn the heritage behind it- the learn the neat, fascinating history of her name.

After my parents' divorce, I actually refused to use my maiden name. In 5th grade, I signed everything with my first & middle names only, b/c I was ashamed to use the name "Dougherty"- You might even ask her to write out a list of good things about her dad & grandpa, so that she can see good things, not only in herself, but others with the same last name, too.

Good luck!
D.

I don't think you should change her last name just becuz she is getting teased about it. Believe me, Kids now a days are so cruel that they will tease her about other things in the future. I think instead of changing her name you just need to teach her to stand up for herself and don't let these kids harass her over something she doesn't have control of. Just my two cents.

Take care,
B.

He's half way to being a teenager and once she hits that mark, she'll hardly be picked on for a name. At that age, there is to much of other things going on. I wouldn't change it personally, not with her having that name for 7 years. It would be different if she didn't start school already, but I think it would make it harder for her to change it now and having one name one year, and another the next. The kids would probably pick on her even more for changing it and giving in. She'll be fine, and it'll only make her wiser and stronger and respect things later on in life. :)

No

I personally don't think you should allow her to change her last name. I know it's one of the toughest things in the world to deal with your children being picked on, but that's the society we live in, there will always be something..
My daughter at 10 is going through it and it breaks my heart. Reality some kids are mean and enjoy picking on other children.

However, back to the issue... That's your husbands identity, she'll have to give that name up soon enough. It would destroy my husband if my children changed their last name to my maiden name or even hyphened.

I know I don't know the last names involved. But my maiden name is Hussen and while in high school I got picked on a lot (Is your dad Sadamm Hussein?)

and finally, I know I don't know all your circumstances, but as a leap of faith have you thought about legally changing your name to your husbands, to show your daughter Hey this is our family name! Again, I don't know your history.

Hi N.,
I agree with most of the posts that changing her name would probably not be the best thing to do. If she is not getting picked on for her name it will be something else. My name being J., I was called "J. Jackson." I was the whitest child you would have ever seen so I don't know where the kids got that. It really hurt, but my aunt told me to look at the positive, at that time J. Jackson was very popular so that was a compliment. In middle school I was called "chicken legs" as I was very thin and my legs bow in at the knees. There was always something about me that children did not like, but as I have grown, I have learned that these kids for whatever reason were either insecure about themselves and had to make others feel bad in order for them to feel good or in some twisted way were actually jealous of me. For example, one of my best friends (in middle school) used to make fun of my "stringy brown hair." When I had a pony tail, it always had bumps that she called "speed bumps." A few years ago we ran into each other again. I said something about having a bad hair day and she said "you have always had such pretty hair." I was floored. All that time making fun of me and she just wanted my hair!

Anyway, I hope that this helps. I would explain to her that her name is her name and that no matter what her name was kids were going to be mean and find some reason to pick on her of someone else. Let her know that most kids who pick on others are insecure about themselves and feel that they can hurt other people and make themselves feel better. Because "if "little susie's" confidance is lowered, mine doesn't have to be as high for me to be more confidant than her."

Good luck to you with whatever you decide. I think you have a lot of great advice from all these moms.

J.