44 answers

Should I Be This "Upset?"

I am not even sure if "upset" is the right word. I have not had any experience feeling this way in my marriage...so not sure where to start.

Let me start by saying that I love my husband and he loves me. I am NOT afraid he is having a physical affair. That being said, let me convey the situation:

He travels for work. He has a relatively new job (since July) where he is the vise president of his department. There is a woman on his team who seems to think every idea he has is just wonderful. I called him last week to say goodnight because I missed him and wanted to hear his voice (he as half way across the country and just felt so far away!) He answers the phone laughing away. After calm, friendly conversation he tells me that he and this co worker are out riding around together looking at lakes together. Those are his exact words. At that point, my stomach sinks. Hit me OUT OF NO WHERE. I am NOT a jealous woman. I love my husband and DO trust him. I just can not believe how this has a hold of me. How totally uncomfortable I am with the situation.

He continues to tell me that they (he and the female co worker) went out to dinner together ( not with the rest of the team AGAIN) and while at dinner, the waitress told them of the lakes that are so beautiful, they just HAVE to go check them out. So...they go.

I find driving around looking at lakes romantic, don't you?

The thing that gets me is that we have 3 kids..ages 6, 4 and 2...so at this point in our lives, We don't get to do things like go halfway across the country together, ride on planes together, go out to eat together, drive around and look at lakes together, so I don't feel that any other woman should have that privilege either...short of his own Mother, of course.

I tried to talk to him about it but he dismissed it as me over reacting and told me not to waste my energy and I was being ridiculous.

I was a professional Nanny my entire adult working life before I had my kids and am now a SAHM....so is this how it is in the office world? Do men and women go out together like this?? She is married as well.

Any input is welcomed and I appreciate the time you take to read this and respond. I honestly do.

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What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you all so much for all the responses. I am so touched that I am actually tearing up.

I have to address a few things though.

I don't think it matters what she looks like. Bonds are formed over conversation and alone time no matter what. The most unattractive person can become attractive over alone time and bonding.

Also, my first attempt at communication was very calm and downright sweet. I only got upset when he dismissed it and told me I was being ridiculous. We have been married 10 years, have three children, built a life together. I love and respect him but just can't shake this awful feeling. ( my hands actually shake when i think about it all) This is unlike me and I feel out of my own skin here...so to speak..

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Nope, I would be VERY "upset" as well.

Dinner and looking at lakes sounds like a date to me. I would love to do that with my husband as well!

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My husband travels frequently for work...I would not be comfortable with this. Dinner is one thing when it's the group, dinner is a WHOLE different story when two are out alone with no one else from the group.

NOPE, no way is it appropriate at the very least for the two reasons below.

1. It's disrepectful to you
2. She or he could damage the other persons position in the company if for any reason things were interrupted (by others or eachother) as inappropriate...

Do I think anything went on, probably not? Most likely he would not have told you about it if it had...

yes looking at lakes to me is romantic...sheesh time alone with no kids is romantic for me...

Updated: My husband and I both of friends of the opposite sex that we spend time with...however, we both know these people and are comfortable with the friendships we all have together.

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This is completely inappropriate. Even if there is absolutely nothing going on between them, they should not be spending alone time together, with the exception of work if they have to. I'm not a jealous person at all but this would make me crazy. Some jealousy is healthy in a relationship so don't think you're being ridiculous. Let him know that you trust him but this makes you very uncomfortable.

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Yes. You should be bothered by this behavior. It's not prudent behavior on the part of your husband. My husband frequently travels out of town overnight for work and this is just not behavior either he nor I find acceptable. We have been married 10 years and he lets me know where he is going and with whom via phone or text and he NEVER dines alone with women, married or unmarried, and especially not in the evening when men are most vulnerable. It's his way of being accountable to the committment we made at the alter. Dining out exclusively or sightseeing together, married or not, paves the way for deeper intimacy and bonding. You are a smart woman and your instincts are to be trusted.

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I have been married 25 years to a man who has traveled a tremendous amount of the time during our marriage. If he had called and he told me the exact same thing your husband said I would have been on the next plane out to wherever he was!

In addition, as a professional myself, I would never put myself in that situation. Having dinner with a collegue is one thing but if there is a team and dinner is not with everyone, why not?

I would not be comfortable about this. If you decide to talk to him again, put it like "I feel" not, "why the hell did you have dinner with the bimbo? You never take me out anymore and look at lakes in the moonlight"! Ask him if he would be comfortable he you had been the one having a quiet dinner and looking at lakes in the moonlight? I bet he wouldn't!

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Bottom line, this behavior is hurting his marriage. Does he really need to continue it? Can he do the same for you at home? Get a sitter and take YOU to the lake?

When I worked FT, I would occasionally go to lunch with a friend - male or female. But it was very up and up and there was no question of any impropriety. Just lunch, nothing romantic.

There is such a thing as an emotional affair. While I do think that men and women can be friends, if my friendship upsets my husband, something is wrong.

If my husband dismissed my concerns that would make me even MORE concerned.

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First of all, even if there's nothing to it, you have a right to feel uneasy about it, and it is your husband's responsibility to make you feel at ease, not to tell you that you are being ridiculous. That is unacceptable. Let's assume that nothing physical has taken place. The door has certainly been opened, and his response to you sounds more like guilt for what he's feeling/thinking and avoidance of the whole topic than reassurance to you. I don't know your relationship, so I don't know how you should handle it. I do know that you must remain calm (can't be the crazy wife, or he won't hear you) and let him know that this is not okay with you. How he responds to you will be very telling.

I have worked in Corporate America. My husband is a salesman and spends time beign very social. There is no way that "lake-viewing" like that would be okay for either of us. I don't lord over him, but I am very visible in his office, and especially with his sales team. I don't spend a lot of time there, but they all certainly know who I am. Whenever there is a function to attend, my husband introduces me to the new members. If you've got the option, visit his office. Suggest to him that you two get together with her and her husband--have dinner somewhere. Somewhere in there, ask them (coworkers) to tell you (spouses) how many lakes they visited and how they liked them. Don't say it in a gotcha kind of way; be sincere. Then, pay attention. If he refuses the get-together, reiterate that you are not comfortable with his appearance of intimacy with someone whom you are not allowed to even meet. Keep it calm.

ETA: One woman on my husband's team has a husband who travels quite a bit. My husband is naturally the gentlemanly and chivalrous type. I remind him sometimes that he does not have to be poised to save people all the time. Anyway, during the hurricane in our area a few years ago, her husband was out of the country, and she was calling checking in with my husband. I had never met this woman, so I was thinking "Wth..?!" (He has had to pull back from certain situations because some women have thought more of his attention than he did. It doesn't happen often, though.) I wasn't worried, but I did tell him to "be careful". Well, I have since met the woman and been to her house and met her husband and kids.... I still think that people should always "be careful", but I am cool with her.

Women speak a language to each other and sometimes through men that the men don't even realize. In my opinion, a woman who is also a wife who has to work this closely with another woman's husband will create an event so the spouses can meet and feel comfortable with the relaitonship. She won't explain it that way, but the women will know that that's the reason. The men will be oblivious.

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You sound jealous. Not of the woman but what they are doing. You want to be looking at lakes with him, ya know?

I think that is why you are confused. You feel jealousy but you know it isn't because your husband would cheat. It is that she is getting to see lakes with him and you are at home. Pretty rational thinking actually and you should be able to say with confidence I am freaking jealous!!!

I know I have felt this way when Troy is out with his (male) coworkers when he is out of town. I want to be there!!!!!!

Perfectly normal.

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Nope, I would be VERY "upset" as well.

Dinner and looking at lakes sounds like a date to me. I would love to do that with my husband as well!

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My husband travels frequently for work...I would not be comfortable with this. Dinner is one thing when it's the group, dinner is a WHOLE different story when two are out alone with no one else from the group.

NOPE, no way is it appropriate at the very least for the two reasons below.

1. It's disrepectful to you
2. She or he could damage the other persons position in the company if for any reason things were interrupted (by others or eachother) as inappropriate...

Do I think anything went on, probably not? Most likely he would not have told you about it if it had...

yes looking at lakes to me is romantic...sheesh time alone with no kids is romantic for me...

Updated: My husband and I both of friends of the opposite sex that we spend time with...however, we both know these people and are comfortable with the friendships we all have together.

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There is NO WAY I would tolerate that behavior as normal.

We would be in intense marriage counseling, pronto.

And I love the way he turned the tables on you - excuse me, you are "over reacting"? Please.

He should care a hell of alot more about your feelings even if what he was doing was totally innocent.

JMO.

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My husband travels frequently for his job as well and often has to work one on one with a female coworker or go out to eat with them. However, he limits their time together and it is always in public in non-fancy restaurants. When they do an outing, it is always with the rest of the group, usually around 4-5 people. It is boring, and they do go out in groups so they aren't alone in a hotel. Yes, if my husband were driving around looking at lakes, I would find that highly inappropriate and question his judgment. Maybe his intentions are innocent, but what about the woman's? Are they driving around talking about work, or are they ooing and aweing over the lovely night sky and sharing personal stories? That's how feelings start to develop.

My husband tells me there are several people who cheat with each other on these business conferences, and it usually starts when they pair off and separate from the group. Especially if they end up having to travel frequently and they build tighter bonds. What your husband needs to do is learn to set his boundaries. For example, if a woman walks into my husband's office, he leaves the door open, he also does not get into chatty personal conversations with women. He is very proper about keeping relationships with women completely professional.

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You are completely justified and entitled to feeling the way you do. If it had been a GROUP of co workers dining and driving around to look at Lakes, then I would not have had a problem with it. Would he be okay if you got a babysitter and went out to eat with a male (just friends of course) that you recently met at a gym (whose wife is also out of town) and then maybe took in a movie? I'm sure he would not. I would calmly share his feelings and if he still thinks you are being ridiculous, let him read the responses on here. My husband would know better than to do something like that because he knows it would be disrespectful to ME and he knows to avoid even the "appearance of evil". You are exactly right about bonds and time spent together.

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It frustrates me SO much that your husband dismissed your feelings.

The fact that this bothers you and hurts you means it is a problem. Period. You sound like a completely rational person and aren't on here ranting about your husband in a crazy manner. So, based on these facts, I have to assume you aren't crazy. =)

Always trust your instincts. Always.

This is not a situation where your husband is being forced to go out with the boss, who happens to be female, in order to get promoted or keep his job or as a part of his job requirement, correct? It just sounds like he and this co worker and CHOOSING to do this stuff alone. Not OK.

I work in a corporate environment, as does my husband. Neither of us find this behavior acceptable.

And while I do agree with Pam R that it depends on what she looks like, I bet you lots of money (I don't have it so don't try to collect) that she is NOT ulgy. Am I right?

Talk to him again - and I would suggest a different approach this time, as obviously last time didn't work. I don't know what your first approach was to tell you how to do it differently, however.

I wish you luck. Talk to him again.

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Even if it's all "innocent", and you're wrong, he should not just dismiss your feelings like that and continue what he's doing. It isn't right. If you feel uncomfortable with it, you should be able to talk about it, and he should respect those feelings enough to stop doing it. I would consider those things dates. In this house, we literally wait WEEKS to be able to go out and have an adult meal in a restaurant and go down to the harbor to see pretty sights. And we're MARRIED. I don't think he'd like it if your places were swapped. My husband has gone on a few trips before for work. He goes out to eat with the whole group, he might go with the guys for a couple drinks (2 drink max because he doesn't want to be in a bad situation or for someone to judge him as a guy who might drink too much, etc). He considers a work trip to be, well, WORK. He'll go to his room and do things he can't do here (enjoy a TV in bed, or room service, and he does talk to us several times throughout the day. If he goes to check out the sights, he videotapes and narrates them, as if he's talking TO US, not out alone with a female). I don't think I'd feel comfortable in your shoes. I am pretty sure your husband wouldn't, either.

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This is completely inappropriate. Even if there is absolutely nothing going on between them, they should not be spending alone time together, with the exception of work if they have to. I'm not a jealous person at all but this would make me crazy. Some jealousy is healthy in a relationship so don't think you're being ridiculous. Let him know that you trust him but this makes you very uncomfortable.

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The fact that this makes you uncomfortable and upsets you means that it's a problem and your husband ought to respect that. That means that whether anything is going on or not, he needs to respect you enough to stop. Not just stop telling you, but stop seeing this woman without other co-workers being around. It's a situation ripe for an affair, even an unintentional one. All you need is one drink too many and an "oops!" and then your husband telling you something else out of the blue.

Anyway, it's very possible or even likely that nothing is happening but the appearance of impropriety is enough. He should not be alone with this woman. Period, full stop.

EDIT: I just saw your update. Above all else, trust your instincts. We have them for a reason.

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I would be upset. However, most men would not willingly tell you all of this IF they were hiding something. So the fact that he was open about it and told you the details makes me think there's nothing to worry about, however, sounds like it COULD turn into something more. Especially if she's flirtatious with him and adores him.

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I think you are right. There is no reason for your husband to tempt fate, by spending much time one on one with a female coworker.

My husband and I have two small children, and never get to do anything fun or romantic together and I absolutely would NOT want him going out to pleasure dinners or moonlit rides with anyone else.

Ask him to stop doing things with her one on one. Going out in a group is fine, but there is no reason why the two of them need to be together one on one.

I DEFINITELY believe in women's intuition - go with your gut.

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First off, I don't think you are crazy or overly jealous. In a marriage, each partner has to sometimes weigh how much 'fun' something might be with how their partner would feel about it. In this case, it sounds to me like maybe your husband wasn't really thinking about this even being an issue to you- although a 'drive around the beautiful lakes' does sound sort of romantic to me too. But he did not set out to deceive or hurt your feelings.

However- if you spoke to him about it calmly and let him know that it did bother you, even though you trust him and do not think he was 'doing' anything - if he dismissed your concerns and feelings, then THAT is a problem.

We all like to be flattered. We all like to think that we are attractive and clever and funny and that people like us. But in the end, how our SPOUSE feels has to be more important than being flattered by a co-worker's attention.

I would try to talk with him again and explain that his disregard of your feelings is the issue- even more so than the actual drive around the lakes. Sometimes men especially need to be reminded that this is a partnership.

Turn it on him and ask how he would feel, hypothetically, if YOU were the one working way across the country and he had called you to hear that you were at dinner with an attractive male co-worker and then went for a drive around the lakes in the evening with him?Wouldn't that make him feel even a little bit uncomfortable?

It is not about either of you thinking the spouse would be physically cheating, but more about realizing that you might be upsetting the other person, your partner that you love and care for. Is any temporary fun or distraction you get from driving around with a co-worker really more valuable to you than knowing you have upset your spouse? For me it wouldn't be.
I hope your husband can see your side of this- good luck!!

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About 10 years ago, after my husband and I were married about 2 years, I accepted a position that was "100% travel" for about a year. We did not have children or dogs at that point..just one cat. I would have to go out of town either Monday morning or Sunday afternoon and I would return Thursday afternoon or Friday to visit various client locations etc. Anytime there were multiple travelers (sometimes I was the only "out of towner"), we would go to dinner together. I never even thought about an affair, just dinner :-) Do you seriously want him to eat alone in his hotel room every night he travels? The lake thing sounded odd to me but once my husband travelled and he and a female coworker rented the bikes to ride across the Golden Gate Bridge. I thought that sounded awesome since I was never in CA and always wanted to visit and I would have loved to do that with him...but I was not there, they were and their trip was paid for by his work...it was not a vacation. Travelling for work is not a fun and adventurous vacation. It can be rather boring in the evening when the locals are home with their families and you are in your hotel room working all hours because there is nothing else to do while alone. A dinner with a coworker can be professional/friendly. If you really trust your husband, I would not worry about it. Having said all that though, if you are really this upset about, he should respect your thoughts on the matter and adjust his behavior to make you feel more comfortable.

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You are rightfully upset/hurt/jealous/whatever you wanna call it...

My husbands company does not allow male and female co workers to go out of town together. When he went back there in management, I experienced my own set of jealousy/worry as I knew that when he worked there over 10yrs ago (before we met) that the owners only hired "beautiful women to represent their company". HOG WASH! LOL.. I also knew that there was a woman there who took a hold of my husbands hand ((again, BEFORE we met, good thing otherwise she would be an amputee)) and held his had on her breast after getting a boob job! I could not wait until the xmas party to see these beauties 10yrs older, saggier, wrinklier etc.. :) What a breath of fresh air... he he..

Anyway, I had to remind myself that I am 100% confident in my marriage (as you sound like you are). I am happy. My husband is happy. My husband tells me often how happy I make him and how much he loves being loved by me. We both always make those L. extra efforts to make sure that the other KNOWS and feels loved every single day. It could be something cheesy like him writting on our bathroom mirror (with my lipstick lol) "I LOVE YOU AMIE" ((and then appologizing for using my lipstick to do so...too funny, which happened last week)) It could be L. notes, texts, emails just saying "thinking of you, hope you are having a great day!".

We have alot of fun together, we have a home and have blended our families together. He has three L. girls who adore him (two of which are mine from previous marriage). A man loves a woman who is confident in herself and in their relationship. Don't get too jealous as jealousy can cause many problems as it is EVIL. Be supportive, ask him to send you pics of some of the lakes etc.. As long as he is not picnicing with her while watching the sunset, you should be just fine :) If he were to go on these trips all the time with her and never call you...well, then that would be the time to call in the forces and start worrying. Until then...don't worry. Talk to your husband when he is back home. Express your concern and your worry/feelings. He should understand. Explain that you trust him but you don't like the L. "extras" outside of the purpose of his trip...BUSINESS.

Try to relax. Be CONFIDENT! Have confidence in yourself, your husband and in your marriage. Know that he loves you and that you don't have anything to worry about. Have comfort in knowing she is also married (I know that does not stop some women but let's try to not go that route). Explain that you don't like that he is able to share those thing with her...better yet that SHE gets to experience them with him. Communicate with him.

Always do the L. things...

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I would delve a little deeper into this if it was my own situation. I've felt precisely the same way you feel & have talked myself into the whole, "Oh, I'm just being silly. I know my husband loves me & I feel it in my bones that he would never dream of cheating on me" and I was wrong. It can happen in the very best of relationships when all the decks are stacked against you which it looks like right now. With that being said, the information you have proves nothing. The fact that other men have acted like asses when in the same situation again proves nothing. You need to talk to him, but listen to yourself. If he blows you off, or gets angry & defensive, I would stop him in his tracks, make him look at your face & tell him that you are not satisfied with the answers he's giving you & that the only reason you're as concerned as you are is because you love him so much. I've found that if you come to the table with compassion & an open mind it'll get you farther, but that your gut is your best, most reliable tool so utilize it. Best of luck to you, Mama!

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it sounds like they are having innocent fun, IMO it sounds like you are jealous that he is out having fun and you are stuck at home with the kids. when he gets home talk to him about how you would appreciate if he would call more or whatever this way you know he is still thinking about you. but on the other hand he is wrong for just dismissing you instead of listening to you about what is concerning you

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How would he feel if the tables were turned and he is stuck at home eating leftover tunafish sandwhiches and giving baths to wiggly children at bedtime, while you are out having dinner w/a male co-worker and "checking out lakes" at sunset?

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Who knows what is normal, but I wouldn't feel right about this either. I would feel just like you do. Tell him it made you feel (fill in the blank) - jealous, angry, betrayed etc. Tell him you don't think it's appropriate that he break off with the group and do solo things with another woman. He should respect your wishes... you are being very reasonable.

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Is there any way you can meet this woman? That may help to settle your emotions. My husband has female friends and I know them all and am friends with some of them too.
I do agree that "looking at lakes together" does cross the line.

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I think I know what you mean. With a house, cooking, laundry, kid....no "lake looking" going on here either! LOL
My husband travels a good bit. It's mostly a male dominated industry but there are times where a female customer or sales rep picks him up, takes him to dinner, etc.
I just look at it like: "Hey, he's working...in a strange city....nice that he HAS someone to do 'something' with, right" How sad would it have been for your husband to be there all alone, eating dinner by himself, etc.
I think it's probably just the 'newness' of the situation that kind of hit you all of a sudden. (And she's a classic brown-noser! LOL)

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I think it depends on what she looks like. I have several very very good male friends at work so easily could see being and have been out alone with them at night. We've done all sorts of stuff together. Nothing's ever happened and nothing ever will. We're all married but also there's no physical attraction. I don't think either of them are good looking in terms of my taste... So my husband has no worries and it's very possible you don't need to worry too. Men and women can be buddies. But let's say it was someone I did find good looking. I like to think and am 99% sure nothing would happen then either but it's definitely riskier. So I would really want to know more about her.

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I think you are justified in being upset. If your husband were being respectful of your feelings he would have agreed to not put himself in such a position again.

My husband and I have an agreement that we will not put ourselves in the position that would create a near occasion to cheat. It is out of respect for our marriage that we have decided that if it would be perceived that one or the other was in a situation that would lead the other to be uncomfortable then we will avoid that situation.

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J.,
I totally understand how you are feeling. I was in a similar situation, but before I explain let me just say that men can't take what they dish out! If the shoe was on the other foot, more than likely he would feel worse than you. I am married, but it has been turmoil since. My husband has insecurity issues and has indirectly accused me of being with other men and no actual proof but in his head he has the clues or hints that there could be someone else. Let me say that I have never cheated before or outside marriage. My stomach turned when he told me about his co worker and how he has her number and talked. One day he said she was crying about her marriage problems and he suggested that she go sit under a tree and meditate. He was with her to console her. Now, it may seem small but to me it was like you have a lot of f...ing nerve especially putting me through false accusations constantly. Here he is helping a woman relax and he never helps me to meditate and ease my woes! Yes I was upset, but I kept it to myself because we have had enough fights! Jen, yes I understand because romantic stood out in my mind to me as well. In the end for us both, if trust is there then thats a comfort. I just hate double standards. I would have been stabbed and thrown over the bridge if I was helping a male meditate under a tree and cry on my shoulder! Please! I hope you find comfort and not be a mental wreck over this. You guys been married for a while, so that should be some comfort.

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Hmmm. Well, I've never worked in an office job, but I was a teacher and there were times (not many, but a few) where I had to travel to out of town conferences or even had very long in town conferences where I hung out with male co-workers. I have two friends in particular (one married, one not) that I could have seen myself go out to dinner with and go looking at lakes with and there would have been no romantic connection. My husband knew both of these guys though (and I knew the one's wife) so that may have made a difference. So, looking at it from that perspective I can understand how it could have been completely innocent. And, he did answer his phone and not try and hide the fact that they were together, which suggests that he wasn't ashamed or felt he was doing anything wrong.

But, I guess the real issue is that you are uncomfortable so that needs to be addressed. Did you try and talk to him about this while he was still on the trip or did you wait until he got home? If he was still there I could see him trying to avoid the subject since maybe she was there or he didn't have time to really get into it or something, but since he's back home I think you need to really communicate how you're feeling. Have you met her? I think maybe even meeting her might allay your concerns b/c there is something to be said for woman's intuition and maybe you'll get a vibe from her. I don't think you're crazy. It's hard to have your husband travel and even harder when he's out having fun while you're taking care of 3 kids on your own and even harder still when he's with someone of the opposite sex! I feel you, but just talk to him and make him listen and hear you. Good luck.

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I have had male friends and co-workers that I do lunch with. But, I would never go out with them 1 on 1 at night, or go look at lakes with them. That is inappropriate behaviour for a married man. IMO

I do believe that men and women can be friends. However, it makes you uncomfortable, you have told him so and he dismissed it. He should NEVER, EVER dismiss your feelings.

I get what your saying tho. You want to be the one doing those sorts of things and him laughing with you and not someone else, especialy another woman.

I feel like that when my husbands comments on how pretty women on tv are and women that are into cars and such. It makes me feel inadequate for lack of a better word.

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I have to travel a few times a year where I work. A number of times it was with my male manager. The first time we were in San Francisco; we a couple of hours between meetings so we walked around the city together and sat. by the water chatting. Our dinner meeting was cancelled so he and I met up for dinner so we didn't have to dine alone.

Fast forward two years later me and same boss had to go to Seattle. Again, a couple of hours between meeting and where we had to be so he and I walked to the Fish Market area together as neither of us had seen it.

I find it no big deal at all........In fact my husband has traveled (he only does once every other year or so) and his coworker and he did the same sorts of things and I thought nothing of it.

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You can certainly be upset, and even jealous of the fun times your husband is having. But before you get too worried about his relationship with the female co-worker, talk to him. Really. Do it. Tell him that the time he's spending with her is making you jealous because you want to spend fun times with him. He'll more than likely tell you that he is just passing the time and she's someone to eat dinner with rather than being alone.

I travel for work frequently, and almost always with male coworkers. If I didn't eat dinner with them I'd be eating in my room alone every night. And I do spend more time with one of the guys than any others. In fact, looking back, I probably spend 50% of my travelling evenings with this guy. And I can tell you with all honesty that I would trade any of those evenings for a date with my husband. My coworker is a good guy, and a nice person, and fun to be around. So when my husband calls and I'm walking around Chicago with George, I'll probably be laughing. But my husband knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that there's nothing going on with George. He's become almost like a brother to me.

You can have that same level of trust with your husband. Just talk to him about it. Be honest. But please don't give him an ultimatum like he can't have dinner with other women while travelling. That's not practical, and it doesn't show any trust. Of course, if you want to discourage romantic drives and looking at lakes, that makes sense to me. I've never done anything remotely romantic with any of my male coworkers...

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I agree with you. It is not appropriate. My husband is a full time college student and I am a SAHM. For whatever reason, there are more females than males at our college. He is VERY careful about how he interacts with them. ie if he is eating lunch at the college between classes he will not eat with a girl, even if they are friends. If he has to do a partner project with a girl he always meets in the library in a very public area. He never goes to one of the private rooms and he tries to make sure one of the guys we knows is around for accountability's sake. I am of the mindset that it is better to be overly cautioous than to be foolishly naive and think "I can never fall.", kwim? I would never meet another man,besides my husband and my father, alone, let alone go somewhere intimate with them. That, imo, is just asking for trouble. Maybe there are no wrong intentions at heart, but that does not make it wise or right. Your husband should respect your feelings and put an end to this behavior NOW. If there is nothing inappropriate going on then this should not be a problem. My husband is my best friend. And while I have guy and girl friends, I keep all the guys at an appropriate distance. I do not get intimate with them at all, not even emotionally. There are certain things that are only meant for a husband and a wife.

2 moms found this helpful

I understand why this makes you feel uneasy. The ONLY thing for you to do it tell him exactly how you feel. If you hold it in, you will lose sleep, and the uneasy feeling will continue to run deeper. If it were me, I would simply say, that while the group dinners out are ok, and its probably good to have good company while he's away from you, that you would prefer that there isn't any alone time with said female co-worker. Tell him it hurt your heart to think about it! Even if it meant nothing but looking a beautiful lakes. You are a wife, trusting a husband. He hasn't given you a reason to not trust, but speak your mind and let him know that he is indeed over stepping the boundaries while half way across the country. My guess? He'll probably say he didn't think of it hurting you, and will likely stop the interaction.

2 moms found this helpful

Wow. . I can sooo relate to you! I am responding to you before reading the other responses, so I can give you my Honest un-jaded opinion! My husband travels as well- I was in the career world- adult time,nice clothes, having extra money to splurge on myself (nails,hair ect. .) when working, and when my husband took the job traveling we crunched #'s and realized daycare would be ridiculous- so I quit to be a full time SAHM- Although I love, love, love being at home, you also very quickly lose everything about being a woman and turn into a mom, and home manager very quickly! - So first off, I have to say that at any costs you HAVE to make time for yourself and do things to make YOU feel attractive- In my opinion 90% of your husbands attraction to you is based on how you feel about yourself! You have to stay a woman and wife and not get unbalanced by just being a mom- You feeling attractive will make you a happier and more confident wife to your husband- (I'm sure you know this, but a little reassurance that getting your nails done instead of buying the kids happy meals is sometimes needed- love the mommy guilt!)
Secondly- my belief is that when you play with fire you get burned- I have no idea how developed the relationship is with this co-worker, but i absolutely think she is being very disrespectful to your marriage- (would she want some other woman she didn't know riding around after dinner with HER husband?) I think if your husband is going to be traveling, then he needs to reassure you- the one at home ALONE- keeping the whole family together while he is away , that he is a faithful, trustworthy and respectful man- and that you CAN trust him completely while he is away. On the other hand, I do feel for him, from our experience, traveling can be very lonely for your husband, and although he may not have ANY interest at all in this woman and simply only need some companionship at the time, he is looking for it in the wrong place. Even if he has absolutely no desire or attraction to this lady, I would be willing to bet that 95% of affairs didn't start intentionally! Out of respect for you for your marriage and for himself my belief is that co-workers of the opposite sex should stay strictly co-workers. Don't play with fire if you don't want to be burned! I have no idea what your religion is, but I would love to tell you that there is NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING that God cannot handle! Cast you cares upon him and he will sustain you! I can honestly tell you that if you put all your trust and faith in the lord he will do things in your marriage that you have never even imagined! I know how it feels when your heart drops and the feeling in the pit in your stomach that only the person causing it can make go away- It is a bad feeling! But honestly, fear is from the dark side- Our God is a loving God who will do things for you that you've never dreamed of, and bless you life in amazing ways! If I were you I would absolutely have a very long, loving talk with my husband, but above all- I would pray my heart out, God loves your marriage and your family, and does not want it torn apart! I pray this all works out for you! God bless you~

2 moms found this helpful

Sounds to me like he is innocent and has no idea it's inappropriate (or he wouldn't have told you so many details) but You're RIGHT, it's not OK and needs to stop. My husband has had MANY long term female work relationships with female friends (because of work) and MANY have caused very big problems on various levels. Maybe not right away, but eventually. I used to be the super cool, secure, laid back wife. Not anymore.

Your husband may be totally trust worthy, and she may be a totally trust worthy wife. There may be NO attraction by any stretch of the imagination (but usually people who don't click at all personally don't take field trips and dinners together) OR, she may be a slightly less than 100% trustworthy person and he may be human. Wining and dining and sight seeing are not work related and not OK. Period. Unless this was a woman who is every bit as close to you as she is to him. You're being left to trust something way out of your scope. That said, what can you do about it? He may just not TELL you about the extra dinners and outings going forward if he's not going to quit the job or quit the friendly relationship with her. I wish I had advice on that part. This sucks.

PLUS, as for everyone saying he shouldn't be expected to eat in his room etc....SORRY, I've been on PLENTY of business trips in my day. Even when single. NOTHING is more blissful after a long work day than take-out in your room ALONE where you can vegetate in front of the tube before passing out exhausted. Even group work dinners were a major test of human strength but obligatory, and NONE of the married people were in the mood to do one more minute of socializing than necessary before disappearing back to their rooms. That was for the younger people (except me-I was young and STILL too tried to hang out). I've never seen a married guy want to hang out for dinner and sight seeing with another co worker when he could bow out of the work stuff. So, I'm not trying to say your husband is up to anything, just saying it's not "cruel" to suggest he doesn't go sight seeing with a co worker. Having idle days to burn seems odd too on a business trip when usually companies are dissecting every penny of travel expenses.

2 moms found this helpful

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would feel the exact same way. So I don't think you are being abnormal at all. I am not going to make conjectures as to whether he is having an affair. But I do think he owes it to you to talk with you about it until you get to a point where you feel OK. He can't just dismiss your concerns.
Also in terms of business etiquette...yes people of the opposite sex do have business lunches and dinners together and in fact, at my last work retreat their was a photo on the powerpoint of two coworkers (man and woman) posing at a conference, in a scenic location, and people started joking that it looked romantic, but nothing is going on between them. So just to let you know that yes, it does happen.
Personally though I've never been comfortable w/ the idea of my husband doing one on one dinner or lunch w/ any female - other than a coworker of his who we are good friends w/ her and her husband and I trust her. He feels the same about me...doesn't want me doing one on one lunch w/ male coworkers. Oh and i did have a male coworker ask me to lunch once just the two of us. I seriously doubt he was trying to hit on me but I made up some excuse b/c I just don't feel it's appropriate.
I hope that helps! Best wishes.

2 moms found this helpful

I would be horribly upset if my husband disrespected me like that. I turned the tables on him the other day and asked if he would be comfortable if there was another man at our vacation home without him there as I feel when his friends bring their wives around my belongings when I am not there. He seemed to have stopped and thought how he would feel left out. I would see if she has a facebook and see what she is saying. Maybe they went more places than he told you. The reason I feel this way is because I worked at a factory and saw the easy girls leave with married men in their family vehicles and thought it was disgusting. Some of the men even bragged about affairs and close friendships they had with these women. One of these women sent an email to my husband and I saw it and I was furious that she was even sending him emails but she said she enjoyed running into him and she could have talked to him for hours. I stil feel uneasy about it and hope to god his co worker was really the one meeting with her like he said.But for her to send him an email when he is married and act like it was such a great time? My husband was so mad I was going to tell her supposive boyfriend about it and I was making a huge deal out of nothing. Ever since then I wonder who else sends him emails or if she still does. He also learned not to leave his acct up where I can read things. I was looking for an email from our realtor like he told me to do and oops! Busted! I try to never do anything that would even make my hubby suspicious of me.

2 moms found this helpful

HI--
I haven't read any of the other responses, but I can relate to how you are feeling. My husband travels a lot and works with quite a few women. Lucky for me they are all considerably older than him, but still...right? Anyway, he purposely never puts himself in a situation that could make me uncomfortable or lead to anything...ever. He talks about me to all his women co-workers, and I've even been included in phone discussions with them so my husband can make me feel as secure as possible. I, personally, think that your husband believes he is not doing anything wrong and does not understand. I asked my husband what he thought. He says that in circumstances like his and your husband, you have to take care to never even give off the air of impropriety. If you want to sight see, do it during the day when there's no "romance" in the air. Surround yourself with all of your co-workers. Include your wife in everything you do. It may seem extreme to the man, but to us ladies who are at home alone with the kids it lets us know just how much they cherish us and they respect even our silly insecurities (that don't always feel so silly!). So hang in there--you'll get used to this traveling thing as it goes along. But maybe telling him my story might help him understand?
J.

1 mom found this helpful

From your What Happened, it seems like you're not really looking for your question of whether or not this happens in the office world or not as some people have told you it does. So maybe your question more is what to do about him traveling with this woman. You say you trust him and don't think he's having an affair so why are you so upset? I have to say if I had to travel a lot and liked a male coworker and then my husband was saying I couldn't hang out with him, I'd be annoyed as it implies I have no judgement. I know that I'm am dedicated to our marriage so long, in depth discussions with a man I find unattractive aren't going to be enough to make me go over the edge. So I would resent my husband flipping out and would tell him he's overreacting too. I'd like to think I'm an adult and can make these decisions. Having said all that, I would be open to talking to him about it and would recognize that if this guy was good looking, maybe I would start to have a crush and something might just happen if I let my guard down. I would have a nice conversation with your husband that you can see why he thinks you're being ridiculous but has he thought how these things can develop? I had an old boyfriend who used to say everyone can have the best intentions but you just don't go there and take the risk. To me a key point is if this is someone he might be interested in if he wasn't married. Find out what she's like etc. We have a newish neighbor and to be honest, if neither of us were married, he's someone I would want to try dating. My husband guessed it... We joke a bit. But I'm smart enough to have it in the back of my head bc I don't want to start daydreaming about this guy. So maybe present it to your husband that way. If this is a woman he could have been interested in in other circumstances, he's just opening the door to some thoughts that aren't going to help your marriage. Present it to him as if the situation was reversed. It sounds like you have a good marriage and he may start to understand if you talk about it more.

1 mom found this helpful

My husband travels on occasion for work. He has 2 rules as far as other women are concerned. His rules, made and enforced on his own. 1. Never get into a situation where he would be tempted. 2. Never do anything he wouldn't want me to walk in and see.

It really is that simple.

Talk calmly with your husband about your feelings and don't accuse him of anything. Tell him that you wouldn't do similar things with another man out of respect for him and you expect the same in return.

I would be upset too. I think you should try talking to him again when you have calmed down some. Explain how you're feeling and why. Hopefully, he'll hear what you're saying and make some adjustments.

I bet he wouldn't dismiss it if it was you that went out with a male co-worker. Bottom line is that if it upsets you, he shouldn't do it, out of respect for you and your marriage. State how you feel and even let him know that you feel silly about it - but it hurts just the same.

I'd be VERY p*ssed at my hubby if he did that. Definitly let him know how you feel about that. It is NOT appropriate behavior for a married man (or woman) to behave this way. That is incredibly disrespectful not only to you but to your marriage. Just b/c he's not with 'you' doesn't mean he has permission to go out w/another woman. That can lead to other things & I'm not in any way saying it will but she should have more respect for you too. Good luck!

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