44 answers

Should I Be This "Upset?"

I am not even sure if "upset" is the right word. I have not had any experience feeling this way in my marriage...so not sure where to start.

Let me start by saying that I love my husband and he loves me. I am NOT afraid he is having a physical affair. That being said, let me convey the situation:

He travels for work. He has a relatively new job (since July) where he is the vise president of his department. There is a woman on his team who seems to think every idea he has is just wonderful. I called him last week to say goodnight because I missed him and wanted to hear his voice (he as half way across the country and just felt so far away!) He answers the phone laughing away. After calm, friendly conversation he tells me that he and this co worker are out riding around together looking at lakes together. Those are his exact words. At that point, my stomach sinks. Hit me OUT OF NO WHERE. I am NOT a jealous woman. I love my husband and DO trust him. I just can not believe how this has a hold of me. How totally uncomfortable I am with the situation.

He continues to tell me that they (he and the female co worker) went out to dinner together ( not with the rest of the team AGAIN) and while at dinner, the waitress told them of the lakes that are so beautiful, they just HAVE to go check them out. So...they go.

I find driving around looking at lakes romantic, don't you?

The thing that gets me is that we have 3 kids..ages 6, 4 and 2...so at this point in our lives, We don't get to do things like go halfway across the country together, ride on planes together, go out to eat together, drive around and look at lakes together, so I don't feel that any other woman should have that privilege either...short of his own Mother, of course.

I tried to talk to him about it but he dismissed it as me over reacting and told me not to waste my energy and I was being ridiculous.

I was a professional Nanny my entire adult working life before I had my kids and am now a SAHM....so is this how it is in the office world? Do men and women go out together like this?? She is married as well.

Any input is welcomed and I appreciate the time you take to read this and respond. I honestly do.

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you all so much for all the responses. I am so touched that I am actually tearing up.

I have to address a few things though.

I don't think it matters what she looks like. Bonds are formed over conversation and alone time no matter what. The most unattractive person can become attractive over alone time and bonding.

Also, my first attempt at communication was very calm and downright sweet. I only got upset when he dismissed it and told me I was being ridiculous. We have been married 10 years, have three children, built a life together. I love and respect him but just can't shake this awful feeling. ( my hands actually shake when i think about it all) This is unlike me and I feel out of my own skin here...so to speak..

Featured Answers

Nope, I would be VERY "upset" as well.

Dinner and looking at lakes sounds like a date to me. I would love to do that with my husband as well!

7 moms found this helpful

My husband travels frequently for work...I would not be comfortable with this. Dinner is one thing when it's the group, dinner is a WHOLE different story when two are out alone with no one else from the group.

NOPE, no way is it appropriate at the very least for the two reasons below.

1. It's disrepectful to you
2. She or he could damage the other persons position in the company if for any reason things were interrupted (by others or eachother) as inappropriate...

Do I think anything went on, probably not? Most likely he would not have told you about it if it had...

yes looking at lakes to me is romantic...sheesh time alone with no kids is romantic for me...

Updated: My husband and I both of friends of the opposite sex that we spend time with...however, we both know these people and are comfortable with the friendships we all have together.

7 moms found this helpful

This is completely inappropriate. Even if there is absolutely nothing going on between them, they should not be spending alone time together, with the exception of work if they have to. I'm not a jealous person at all but this would make me crazy. Some jealousy is healthy in a relationship so don't think you're being ridiculous. Let him know that you trust him but this makes you very uncomfortable.

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Yes. You should be bothered by this behavior. It's not prudent behavior on the part of your husband. My husband frequently travels out of town overnight for work and this is just not behavior either he nor I find acceptable. We have been married 10 years and he lets me know where he is going and with whom via phone or text and he NEVER dines alone with women, married or unmarried, and especially not in the evening when men are most vulnerable. It's his way of being accountable to the committment we made at the alter. Dining out exclusively or sightseeing together, married or not, paves the way for deeper intimacy and bonding. You are a smart woman and your instincts are to be trusted.

9 moms found this helpful

I have been married 25 years to a man who has traveled a tremendous amount of the time during our marriage. If he had called and he told me the exact same thing your husband said I would have been on the next plane out to wherever he was!

In addition, as a professional myself, I would never put myself in that situation. Having dinner with a collegue is one thing but if there is a team and dinner is not with everyone, why not?

I would not be comfortable about this. If you decide to talk to him again, put it like "I feel" not, "why the hell did you have dinner with the bimbo? You never take me out anymore and look at lakes in the moonlight"! Ask him if he would be comfortable he you had been the one having a quiet dinner and looking at lakes in the moonlight? I bet he wouldn't!

8 moms found this helpful

Bottom line, this behavior is hurting his marriage. Does he really need to continue it? Can he do the same for you at home? Get a sitter and take YOU to the lake?

When I worked FT, I would occasionally go to lunch with a friend - male or female. But it was very up and up and there was no question of any impropriety. Just lunch, nothing romantic.

There is such a thing as an emotional affair. While I do think that men and women can be friends, if my friendship upsets my husband, something is wrong.

If my husband dismissed my concerns that would make me even MORE concerned.

7 moms found this helpful

First of all, even if there's nothing to it, you have a right to feel uneasy about it, and it is your husband's responsibility to make you feel at ease, not to tell you that you are being ridiculous. That is unacceptable. Let's assume that nothing physical has taken place. The door has certainly been opened, and his response to you sounds more like guilt for what he's feeling/thinking and avoidance of the whole topic than reassurance to you. I don't know your relationship, so I don't know how you should handle it. I do know that you must remain calm (can't be the crazy wife, or he won't hear you) and let him know that this is not okay with you. How he responds to you will be very telling.

I have worked in Corporate America. My husband is a salesman and spends time beign very social. There is no way that "lake-viewing" like that would be okay for either of us. I don't lord over him, but I am very visible in his office, and especially with his sales team. I don't spend a lot of time there, but they all certainly know who I am. Whenever there is a function to attend, my husband introduces me to the new members. If you've got the option, visit his office. Suggest to him that you two get together with her and her husband--have dinner somewhere. Somewhere in there, ask them (coworkers) to tell you (spouses) how many lakes they visited and how they liked them. Don't say it in a gotcha kind of way; be sincere. Then, pay attention. If he refuses the get-together, reiterate that you are not comfortable with his appearance of intimacy with someone whom you are not allowed to even meet. Keep it calm.

ETA: One woman on my husband's team has a husband who travels quite a bit. My husband is naturally the gentlemanly and chivalrous type. I remind him sometimes that he does not have to be poised to save people all the time. Anyway, during the hurricane in our area a few years ago, her husband was out of the country, and she was calling checking in with my husband. I had never met this woman, so I was thinking "Wth..?!" (He has had to pull back from certain situations because some women have thought more of his attention than he did. It doesn't happen often, though.) I wasn't worried, but I did tell him to "be careful". Well, I have since met the woman and been to her house and met her husband and kids.... I still think that people should always "be careful", but I am cool with her.

Women speak a language to each other and sometimes through men that the men don't even realize. In my opinion, a woman who is also a wife who has to work this closely with another woman's husband will create an event so the spouses can meet and feel comfortable with the relaitonship. She won't explain it that way, but the women will know that that's the reason. The men will be oblivious.

7 moms found this helpful

You sound jealous. Not of the woman but what they are doing. You want to be looking at lakes with him, ya know?

I think that is why you are confused. You feel jealousy but you know it isn't because your husband would cheat. It is that she is getting to see lakes with him and you are at home. Pretty rational thinking actually and you should be able to say with confidence I am freaking jealous!!!

I know I have felt this way when Troy is out with his (male) coworkers when he is out of town. I want to be there!!!!!!

Perfectly normal.

7 moms found this helpful

Nope, I would be VERY "upset" as well.

Dinner and looking at lakes sounds like a date to me. I would love to do that with my husband as well!

7 moms found this helpful

My husband travels frequently for work...I would not be comfortable with this. Dinner is one thing when it's the group, dinner is a WHOLE different story when two are out alone with no one else from the group.

NOPE, no way is it appropriate at the very least for the two reasons below.

1. It's disrepectful to you
2. She or he could damage the other persons position in the company if for any reason things were interrupted (by others or eachother) as inappropriate...

Do I think anything went on, probably not? Most likely he would not have told you about it if it had...

yes looking at lakes to me is romantic...sheesh time alone with no kids is romantic for me...

Updated: My husband and I both of friends of the opposite sex that we spend time with...however, we both know these people and are comfortable with the friendships we all have together.

7 moms found this helpful

There is NO WAY I would tolerate that behavior as normal.

We would be in intense marriage counseling, pronto.

And I love the way he turned the tables on you - excuse me, you are "over reacting"? Please.

He should care a hell of alot more about your feelings even if what he was doing was totally innocent.

JMO.

6 moms found this helpful

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