My dear friend, M, is very sick in the hospital. She had gotten a lesion on her hip that ended up getting infected and resulted in minor surgery in the ER this past weekend. After being released, she went home and woke up with a fever and vomiting. She endured those symptoms until yesterday when she woke up on the floor after having passed out. She called me to let me know what had happened so I rushed over and rushed her to the hospital. She has a severe infection that has spread to her kidneys and is still spreading. The doctors haven't pinpointed what bacteria is causing the infection and until they do, they won't know how to properly treat it.
In the meantime, I'm taking care of her 8-year-old daughter. M is a single mother, recently separated from her husband (who is not her daughter's father). The child's father has never been involved in her life. M has no immediate family local, having lost her father two weeks ago. She has some half-siblings, children of her deceased father, that live in other states, and her mother lives in another state somewhere. Other than that, no local close friends or family.
I am sure that the doctors will be able to find a solution and that M will recover, but to prepare for worst-case-scenario, and being that her daughter is under my care, I am thinking it might be wise for me to ask what her wishes are concerning her daughter. We have never discussed it, but I know that she doesn't have an official Will.
I don't want to scare her or sound like I'm expecting the worst, but I want to be prepared. Should I ask her for the info needed to make sure that her daughter is cared for according to her wishes, should the worst happen? How would I approach it? What would you say?
Just be honest and ask her what she wants for her medical care if this becomes worse and she cannot communicate.
And who to contact if she becomes incapacitated.. Then lead into how to get in touch with them and what should you do with her daughter. if something really bad happens.
Tell her you know she will get better, but for just in case, you want to know what you should do.
From experience I will advise you to contact a hospital social worker to speak with her, express your concerns to them beforehand, and he or she can handle it more objectively and knows what is needed.
Praying for your friend's complete recovery, God's blessings.
I would ask, "Since I will be watching x for a little while, I think it would be a good idea to get something in writing concerning her needs, in case I need to watch her for an extended period of time, or should your health relapse." Ask for her emergency contacts and the like. The hospital social worker can help organize things.
I was often placed in friend's care when my parents traveled for health reasons b/c my dad had Leukemia (like long stays at hospitals across the state and such.) My caregivers ALWAYS had some legal form of guardianship and notarized statements of what they should do in an emergency. My parents also had a will, but our caregivers wouldn't know who to contact in order to get it without the right information.
Yes, you should absolutely ask her. That is what a good friend would do. If things should turn for the worst, she needs to be certain that her daughter is cared for.
If she's a religious person, perhaps you could involve her pastor.
N., PLEASE go in there and talk to her about this. Dying intestate is the worst thing she could do. She needs to call a lawyer in to help her. At the very least, she needs to get papers and sign them in front of a notary and some witnesses.
Please don't pussyfoot around this. Hospital staff infections are terrible things, and if she is okay after all this, it will just have been a scary time and close call. However, if she doesn't make it through this, you will have done a wonderful thing for her daughter.
Approach it kindly, but head-on. Don't mince words. If she says she has a will, ask her where it is. Ask her if she has a document on file in case she goes into a vegetative state. The hospital can help her with that.
This is too important to ignore. It doesn't matter that it isn't your "business". You have to go past the idea that it isn't your "business".
Good luck, and I truly hope your friend makes it through this.
Dawn
My cousin has Leukemia. She has three children. While her husband was in Afghanistan she developed pneumonia. She thought she only had a cold and waited to go to the doctor. By the time they got to the hospital, doctors were planning to put her in a medically induced coma. Her friend that volunteered to watch her children was her only contact. Her mother lives on the other side of the U.S. and her hubby was out of the country. So her friend had to ask...how do I contact your mom? Your husband? If things make a turn for the worse, what kind of decisions do you want made for you? What about the girls (they all have different dads)? My cousin's friend had to ask the tough questions. My cousin's situation was a bit different. There were plans in place and a husband, he was just on the other side of the planet. It's a good thing she did, because things took a bad turn. It did not look like my cousin was going to make it, her infection was attacking all of her organs and her body was shutting down. Thankfully though, her friend was able to easily contact the family. She knew where the will was located. She was even able to locate some paperwork my cousin filled out with instructions about life saving measures. THe friend was also able to contact the Dad's and let them know what was happening. It was a close call, but my cousin came through it all. My cousin said that knowing there was someone with the right info and contacts available to help her daughters gave her piece of mind. She was in a state of panic over what the doctors were telling her, she was glad not to have to panic over what needed to happen with her children as well. Just be honest. Your friend will be glad to know you are looking out for her and her daughter.
God has blessed her with a wonderful friend like yourself. God bless you, too. Take the previous advice and ask her (to sign) her wishes for her daughter's care while she is with you.
GrammaRocks gave the best advice. Please follow it immediately they are trained professionals and can really help.
Find out of there is a Notary at the hospital. Write out a Power of Attorney for health matters for her and her daughter, so you can make decisions on her behalf if she can not. Be aware that POA dies with the person. Also get her wishes in writing, does she want to kept alive on machines, who does she want as guardian for her daughter, who gets her belongings ect. At this point in most states since she is still married her husband has all the rights should she die or become incompacitated. Will he have her best interests in mind?
Since you are caring for her daughter if the child should break a bone or need stitches you would need POA to get her treated.
I would speak to a Probate--Wills and Trust attorney. Maybe you can find someone who will meet with you and her at the hospital.
What GrammaRocks said....
Peace and hugs.......
um don't hesitate on this, print out a POA, make sure it's specifically for your state and yes seek out the hospital social worker ASAP
Also you are pregnant, be careful!!!!!!!!
you are a good friend
Dear N.,
You are a good friend.
Your inquiring if her daughter will be taken care of in the manner she wishes is an act of love -- of you, for her, and for her daughter.
You sound like a sensitive person, so i am sure you can phrase it the best way.
good luck and G-d bless.
jilly
Now is the time to make a will! Seriously! If she's in her right mind, she needs to take care of this NOW!
