Should Anyone 'Go There'?

Everyone these days feels they have a right to a piece of your life. They have an opinion about just about everything they see others say and do. The unfortunate part is following the simple rule "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything". If I ask for an opinion, I will ask for the good the bad and the ugly and consider the opinion and move on with what I feel is right for my family. No one ever seems to take the time anymore to consider others feelings and what the family may be going through at this time in their lives. My example is my life: people see me as a Mom who doesn't discipline enough, lets her child run wild and doesn't ever brush the childs hair... well if you ask, I brushed it probably 12 times today, she is being tested for autism, has sensory disorder( so right after you brush her hair she is out of sorts and rubs her arms all over her head until it looks like it has not been brushed in weeks). By the way that snapshot is not all that is happening, I have 3 kids 7,4 and 5mo, a Dad who has stage 4 lung cancer with full memory loss at times, Mom just diagnosed with Kidney failure and work nights. So as you can see, seeing me in the parking lot at the grocery store doesn't give a picture of everything my life is or has to be. Let her comments go, do what you feel is best for your family and if others are disappointed or judgemental in you, they might very well be disappointed in themselves. Maybe this woman is struggling with the fact that she forced her kids to grow up too soon, and sees that your kids love you and want to be around you.

Hope this helps you let her comments go and celebrate the lives you have created.

Barbara

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I would like to start off by saying I am sorry that you have had to be the recepient of an e-mail like that. I was also and I was deeply hurt and angered by it. I was also forever changed by it.
As far as I am concerned, raising children should be added to the list of topics 'not to talk about at a dinner party"... right there with religion and politics. Unless you live in my house, you can not possible know how hard I work at raising my children. We all have good and bad days and if I was judged only on a snapshot of my mothering, it might not look like perfection. Catch me on another day, and "mother of the year" award might be handed over.
The first thing that jumps out at me is that you said you were at a mom's and daughters retreat. You are obviously a well intentioned and involved mom or you wouldn't have been at a retreat like that. This was supposed to by a safe place to bond with your girls and this is part of the memory that is attatched to it now. Why wasn't this other mom bonding with her daughter(s) instead of worring about yours?
She has NO right to write or send that e-mail.

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Wow, that woman is SO inappropriate I don't even know where to start! Where does she get off???? She had NO business sending you a message like that. This is the part of the e-mail age I hate. It allows cowards like that a platform to air their nasty views without the fear of a direct conflict. I'm not sure what it is she expects in return - a thank you for pointing out the error of your ways? You could go two ways with this - it's up to you if you want to confront her or not. You could either ignore her message altogether and block any future messages from her; I understand if you are in a lot of social situations where you have to see her like Girl Scout trips or PTA activities, that is the route you may have to take. You could also bring what she obvious fears - a phone call or conversation right to her. Not stooping to her level and being nasty, but firmly telling her her comments are not appreciated and please keep her opinions to herself in the future regarding YOUR children. Of course with people like this you are never going to change her mind and make her realize that she is in the wrong, but you can let her know your children are not public property and she has no business interfering in your parenting. I don't mind calling it like it is - what a B*#@^!!!!

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I didn't read all of the posts, but i've read enough to see that there's a difference of opinion here. Remember that above everything else, that they are OPINIONS, and everyone is entitled.

That being said, I have to say that mine is, just as Helen D.'s is, consider it advice. And do CONSIDER it. You've heard the old saying, it takes a village to raise a child. We all screw up while raising our kids, and no matter what the issue is with our kids, there are people out there that have lived thru what we're living thru. She may have some experience in that situation, and may know what worked for her, and it may work for you as well. We should take to heart some of the experiences of others. We just may save ourselves from some unnecessary stress while raising our kids. And even if they haven't experienced exactly what we're going thru, some people have just been blessed with great wisdom. Don't dismiss someone's advice just because their kids are younger, or they have fewer children, or they have boys and you have girls..... you get the idea.

None of our kids are perfect, but as parents, it's our responsibility to raise our children to be the best that they can be.

If it werent' for people in my life helping me out, telling me what worked for them, and sometimes just telling me what they think, I'm not so sure I'd be the best parent that I could be.

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Absolutely not! The only time I will say something to another mother about her kids behavior is 1) if she asks 'what should I do?' and 2) if her kids behavior is causing harm to others (like for instance, her son is throwing food at my kids, but in a case like that, I would probably just say something to the kid and if mom objects, i would defend my reason for doing so.

If she wants to do it privately with her husband or whatever, fine... sometimes we get annoyed and have to get things off our chest. But bringing it to your attention is absolutely out of line.

Now, me... I can't let a woman like this have the last word... my husband would tell me ignore it, but it will eat away at me thinking that she thinks she 'won' somehow and I would probably think up a few witty words for her and fire them off in a return e-mail, making it clear that I believe she has crossed the line, and her comments are not well received, and obviously her delusion of 'self perfection' has her convinced that she can do no wrong...

I don't think anybody is fully prepared to lose their mother, no matter how old they are... My mother was my birth coach for my first two babies, and having #3 and #4 was emotionally traumatic for me... sure i can wipe my own butt and cook a meal without burning down the house, but nobody is ready to lose that all too important figure in their lives. She rocked me to sleep as a baby, she kissed all my boo boo's and she cheered me on when things sucked... she was there for all my happy times too and her being gone thru these past few years of god's generous blessings in my life has been marked with her being gone.

good luck in what you choose to do with this woman... but you are right, she was out of line.

That lady has too much time on her hands. I never criticize the mom, but I have been known to criticize the kid in front of the mom when the kid is disrespectful. Like when we're on the playground and the kid yells at the mom, "I TOLD you to get me my snack!" Then I say, "Hey, don't talk to your mom like that." The mom usually appreciates this because it shows the kid people pay attention when they are inappropriate. Also, if a kid is hitting another kid (or the mom) I will say something. Some moms are amazingly silent when their kids hit.

I would just say to the other mom, "How lucky for you to be the perfect mom of perfect children," and leave it at that.

Consider it advice, say thank you very much and that you will take it into consideration (do consider it, she may have a point) and leave it at that. The great thing about advice is that you can take it or leave it, in this case leave it. =) BTW, as a mom who has had girls at that age, alot of them are whiney when they are away from home. Don't worry about it too much.
I try to cultivate friends who CAN speak their minds, even when it comes to my kids. If your friends can't be honest with you, who will be?? They just understand that the criticism goes both ways. I think her approach was a little insensitive but try and look at the "meat" of what she is saying.

It sounds to me like someone that is too timid to face you with her feelings- I have a co-worker like this. I can never take her seriously when she does this because it totally takes things to a different place. The reality is there are probably some valid concerns. There is also probably some stuff that she doesn't know/understand- it is like the arm chair quarterback. We're all great on the side lines! I don't think anyone should ever go where your friend has gone. None the less, she did. What I do with my co-worker is I walk up to her desk(which is about 10 feet from mine) and confront the situation. You might call your friend on this too. If you are sweet as sugar, you could say "I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't talk to me about this". That shows something about her character anyways.

I consider any feedback that enters my life (personally or professionally) to be a hint. Take a step back and think about what she has seen. It might be a simple eye opener. You are not a bad person or mother!! In fact you're an excellent mother for wondering about this email. Some may just 'go off' on her as it isn't any of her business.
Reflect on her comments. You might learn something about yourself and the raising of your children. It might teach them something as well if you slightly alter your way of living and parenting.
I find spinning things to the positive helps one get through all the trials and tribulations in life and raising a family.
It's a curve ball...you can still hit it out of the ball park.
Go one step at a time. Nothing changes over night.
Good luck ~ Many happy thoughts are sent your way.
~A.

Think of "life" as a trolley car ride. ( you know, like in San Fransciso) YOU are always on your tolley car, it's yours but there are people who are on the car along with you for their entire life, there are people who hop on, some hop off, and then some hop on again.

Does she have the "right"? No, of course not.
She needed to get off your trolley car before this.

We are all entitled to our opinions. Unless you asked for her's,......

We all have different personality types. She just wasn't very considerate of yours and if she doesn't like what you are doing or how you are raising your kids, unless it directly effects her.... move on. She sounds like she is more of a stonger personality.

Hope this helped... Get over it quickly... it does nothing but harm you if you keep thinking about it.

Ignore it, you raise your kids how you want to! No she had no right to go there andproves it by being a coward and emailing. If this were from a close family member I woudl consider it. how often does this woman interact with you? Blow it off, she obviously has nothing better to do than to butt into your business. - sorry this happened to you its tough when we get criticized isn't it!

Nope, she doesn't have a "right" to go there, but then she did it anyway. Are you going to write her back saying, "Please keep your unasked for critique of my parenting skills to yourself."? or "Thank you for your unsolicited advice, but next time don't bother."? or "It's so nice to know you think of yourself as the perfect parent and the rest of us all fail the test of your standards. I'll try harder next time."?

I would be upset too and most likely respond with sarcasm. We all do the best we can on any given day and our kids don't perform perfectly for others all the time either. Another poster said it best when she said will this stupid email matter in 10 years? Probably not. Take what you want from the email and let the rest go. The woman's heart is probably in the right place, although she came across as condescending and overbearing. Is she like that in real life too? Maybe feel even a smidge sorry for her.

Advice isn't supposed to be given unless it's asked for. Particularly when it comes to something as sensitive as parenting. Because all families are different.

There are differences of opinion on here, but it sounds to me like the woman wasn't giving advice. She was fed up. And it didn't sound like she was telling you something that your children did to offend her directly (a perfect example would be that maybe one of your kids went straight up to her and slapped her in the face for no reason other than the fact that she thought it was funny) or offended anybody else directly where it interfered with public peace. So if that wasn't the case, then what she was doing was giving her opinions on a situation that no one asked her opinion about. She took it upon herself to tell you how and who your children should be.

But we all know that there are people like this who unwittingly think this is a productive thing to do (and maybe some of us have even been guilty of ourselves): tell people who they think they should be if they think they are doing something disagreeable.

Yes, what she said could be thought about. This is true. But it also doesn't change the fact that she also overstepped her bounds. And such actions often elicit defensive responses, "bad vibes" and resolves nothing.

maybe she feels she has to comment on someone because someone else is doing it to her?? there could be other root issues that may be the reason why she's directing a need to comment on your parenting.

The question is now, what do you want to resolve? Maybe you're just trying to figure out what you feel. It's also understandable if you're trying to see if your reactions and feelings are justifiable. Which they are, in the sense that this person approached you in an offensive manner, not a helpful one.

What you might want to consider is whether or not this woman and her comments are going to fester and create more resentment from you against her, especially when you have to see her again at the same functions. I mean, no one likes feeling anger and resentment everytime they see the offending party (unless you think it's fun~). Can you let it go? Do you feel the need to respond?

If you feel the need to respond, you could, kindly, ask her some questions: Did my children say or do anything TO you or TO your children? If she says "No." Then ask her, "Did I ask you for advice on how to raise my children? I can't remember." when she says no, there's really no need to say anything else. Just say ok and walk away. Sometimes, throwing the person who's causing the problem off their expectations is enough to end the problem.

A.....People will say what they want to. Alot of people open their mouths more then they should and think they are perfect when in fact they are not. Some people "chose" to parent their children differently, but that doesnt mean they are "bad" parents. I know I dont parent my children they way my brother in law thinks I should and he wants to yell at my kids all the time and this has caused family fights all the time. Finally my sister told him to let me punish my children the way I see fit and this has brough my family closer. He was brought up in a strick family. Let her say what she wants to if it makes her feel like she is a "perfect" parent. Im sure she thinks she is a grade "A" parent but im sure she has her flaws behind the door. Plus let me comment. My children are not that well behaved at home...but get the best comments at school and out at others (besides families) houses, on how well behaved they are. Kids will be kids and when they are out being kids with other kids they are not made to be perfect...But let her kids be stiffs....Good Luck to you

I think the fact that she didn't see fit to talk to you and only sent you an email says it all...just write her off! I am sure that if you wanted to be that type of person, you could come up with some stuff for an email too. I also started my family in my early 30's..have two boys, 19 and 13. Of course, I believe my kids are perfect!!lol but even if I thought the neighbor kids were the worst ever, I would not send the mom an email. If I had a real problem, I would comment directly. How others raise their kids is not my concern, unless the kids are at my house and endangering themselves or others! hope this helps.

I don't think she wrote the email to out right hurt you. She may have been watching and then decided her opinion should be known to you. Question for you.....Do you agree with anything she had to say?

I don't agree with he tactics at all, especially if the relationship isn't close nor do I agree with it through email.

Putting all of that aside do you believe that any f the email could possibly be true. Also does it make you wonder why she is so strongly opinionated on the subject? Do you think she was brought up a similar way and then maybe lost her parents and so she feels she is the advcate for all children that may have this happen to them?

My Dad died when I was 18, I lived with him in a divorced family. I would never do what the woman above has said but I do take the time to rationalize how I raise my kids. My Dad was my best firned and he made all the decisions for me. So when he died my world fell apart. I lost my home within three months and everything that I had as a solid foundation. I don't recall the first year after he died other than what friends tell me.

Please understand that I am not defending her tactics I just wonder where her ideas originate from. No matter what we do our kids depend on us. But, if we give them some great tools and love them as best as we can then hopefully when we leave they can have a great lfe and know everyday that we love them and were with them through life lessons they learned with us.

Perhaps the best question isn't if she has the right to talk to you this way or not. This kind of thing will happen to all of us multiple times in life and we need to learn to forgive the offenders immediately. Perhaps you should ask if there is a shred of truth in what she said. If so, then take it to heart and be wise in your consideration of it. If not, let it go. I can certainly understand why her e-mail put you off. Then again, such offenses can sometimes hold nuggets of truth that we will be grateful for later in life. Be gracious to the woman and thank her for her insights and move on.

Are you happy with the way your children are turning out? That is what is important not what some other useless person said! If it was a teacher, doctor etc.. I would listen to what they have to say and then decide if I needed to make any changes. But just some mother who thinks she knows everything about raising children. I wouldn't give this women the time of day!!!

Advice is best given when it is asked for, and your friend has hurt you. What does God think of your parenting? Does he know you are doing your best? He thinks you are wonderful and doing a great job. Spend time with Him so you can feel secure in knowing this and others' words are not so hurtful. So how should you respond at moments like this? Spend some time talking to God about it until you feel the consolations of the Holy Spirit lightening your load. Some things can be handled by talking to people, but matters of deep hurt are best handled by God. There are so many beautiful scriptures about this, I like the 'balm of Gilead' and would imagine God rubbing it on my aching heart. Try to forgive her and pray for her to be more tolerant of others.

In my opinion she had no right to "go there." I don't think anyone except your own mother or bff has the right to say anything about your parenting skills or how right or wrong your children behave. Maybe she is just jealous and felt that she needed to put you down for her own satisfaction. What a witch! I think she was so wrong and out of line. You referred to her as a "not so close friend" which makes it even worse. Try not to let her "opinion" bother you she obviously has issues! My motto to her "opinion" is....whatever!

Consider the source. Also, apply the 20 year rule. In twenty years, will this really matter, or just be an interesting, rather amusing, story at family gatherings?

S.

As a younger mom, I get more unwanted "advice" often because many assume I too young to know how to raise my son. I learned to ignore the ones who don't know my son has special needs and is younger than he looks. I think about what they say if there is some truth in it, but raise my son my way.

Kids can be whiny at times. It does little harm, except annoy. As for being overly dependent, sometimes we keep doing stuff for our children because we like doing it for them. Even when they are capable of doing it themselves. We all do it every once and a while. However, unless asked about it I don't offer my opinion about it. Allowing too much dependence ends up biting the parents in the butt without me having to open my mouth.

Just as Deb said, you didn't ask for her opinion. If you had, then it would be ok. She wrote this email to hurt you. Should it matter that your kids are this and that? Does it affect her kids somehow? Doubt it.

Your kids are who they and if you're ok with it, so be it. The only person you need to answer to about the kids is your husband.

You do not owe her an explanation for anything. Everyone raises their kids differently. If she doesn't like it, too bad.....dump her and don't look back. She's not a friend.