SHOCKED!!! Found Something in Daughter's Purse…what to Do ?

First of all relax, and be grateful she is being safe. Has she been to a doctor to talk about birth control? If not (or if you don't know) then sit down and have a talk with her. You don't have to tell her what you found, only that you know she is getting older and may start to have an interest in sex and that you want her to know that she can talk to you/ask you questions, and then ask her if she would like to see a doctor at some point so she can discuss birth control options just so she will be ready in case she is, or is thinking about, having sex.

Tell her what you found. Tell her she doesn't have to talk about it to you. But you want her to be safe so you are making her an appt with a gynecologist. The gyn can talk about her options with her without the teen mother-daughter drama.

Eta: actually you don't even need to tell her what you found. Just discuss with her that she's old enough to start having an annual appt with a gyn. Any gyn will certainly discuss birth control with a 17 year old.

I think you've gotten some great suggestions already.

The only thing I'd add is that she should see an gynecologist. This is important for her health, but this is also someone she could ask questions of, if she realistically just won't ask you.

If it were my daughter, I would say

"Honey, I have a confession to make. Please try to stay calm until I finish. I needed you license for XX today and went to get it out of your purse. I saw the box of condoms. And while I had hoped you would wait until marriage, I am very happy that you are being responsible and being safe. If you ever have any questions or concerns I would love to talk to you about it."

And leave it at that. If she hasn't been to a gyno or on birth control, I would also offer to set up that appointment for her.

Well I wouldn't be thrilled to know that a child of mine was sexually active.

BUT

finding a box of condoms is a WHOLE lot better than finding a positive pregnancy test.
Her moodiness might just be PMS but what if it's a side effect of a birth control pill?
It sometimes takes awhile to find one that works right for you.

Take a deep breath.
Parents don't own their kids virginity.
There's nothing you can do to prevent her from having sex.
Just talk about her plans for the future and keep her focused on moving forward.
A lot of these teen romances run their course and burn out sooner or later but there's a chance it might be 'true love' and he'll end up being your son in law.
I met my husband when I was 17 and we married 10 years later.

Ok, I know it is always a shock when a parent realizes their child may or have had sex.

This is what you do.
Do not assume anything. Condoms are handed out at different type of events. Could be it was a joke. Could be she was hiding it for someone else.. and yes, maybe she purchased it.
IF she is going to have sex, good thing she has a condom.

You tell her you are aware that some people her age are having sex. You realize it is tempting and their are safe ways to physically have sex, but what people forget to talk about is how emotional it is, and when the people break up, that the sex history can be hard to get past.

Then tell her your feelings about how if she is having sex, she would be honest with you, because you would prefer she wait, but if it is going to happen or this is going on, she needs birth control and she needs condoms. You also want to make sure the emotional part of her is also protected.

Many women feel like with sex they are giving a special part of themselves physically, but also emotionally, way deeper than MOST men.

So when this relationship ends, women internalize this. This is the heavy burden.

Did he drop me and move on because - "because I am not a good person?"

"Was I a challenge for him? So he wanted to win me as a prize? "

" Should I have waited?"

"If he respected me (or if I was a respectable person should I have refused)

This is a lot for a young person who has not found who they really are and what they totally want in life.

I would rather young people who are thinking about or are already sexually active have protection, than to just have unprotected sex.

You are too young to be a grandmother. Remind her of this. Talk with her
so she will feel like she can be honest and safe speaking about this.

I'm sorry. You lack communication with your daughter. You ALLOW her to go off with a young 'man' and not know anything about him nor his family life...what are you role modeling for your children?

You posted last year about her wanting to have a sleepover with a boy...umm...did you NOT have the birds and the bees talk with her BEFORE NOW??

ON the good side? She's HOPEFULLY USING the protection so you won't be a grandmother within the next year.

You need to learn how to communicate with your daughter. KEEP TALKING WITH her - NOT TO HER - WITH HER...get a dialogue going. If it means getting in the car and DRIVING so that she can't walk out - fine - do it.

Let her flip out. STAY CALM...I know it's hard...I've had a teenaged daughter and now I have a teenaged boy. GOTTA COMMUNICATE!!!

Don't let her tantrums distract you from getting that communication going!!!

First of all, you don't know for a fact if she is having sex or just thinking about it. At least, she has some sort of protection... kudos to her for that.

Next, is this the same boy she was going on a sleepover with in November?

It sounds to me like there is no communication with your children and when that happens, you are on a time bomb waiting to happen. I know 16 yr olds are hard sometimes, my daughter is 19 and we've been through a couple of rough patches as well.

However, you don't let rough patches and tantrums keep you from communicating. I would think that you would want your daughter to know the facts of sex, STD's, pregnancy, and more that YOU would communicate with her vs allowing her to educate herself and from her peers.

You know the box is there. I don't know why you were going through her purse but she needs to see a Dr and if she is going to be having sex, she needs to get protection from pregnancy and STD's.

You do need to tell her and I think Kim O said it well. Praise her for using protection but get her to a Gyno.

From past posts, I think you have younger children as well. Please let this be a lesson for you and communicate with your children. Don't talk at them, talk with them and mostly listen.

Well, the ultimate goal to educating kids is to help them be SAFE about sex and to use CONDOMS, so you're ahead of the game there. You can't really tell her not to have sex. Especially when she already is and you guys are like cats and dogs...

Since she has had all this free unsupervised time with an 18 year old boy, I'm just glad they're being responsible enough to use condoms.

The only way for abstinence to have "maybe" stuck, would be open communication about why you do not approve of premarital sex from an early age-in church and all that-when I was a teen all my childhood religion stuck with me and I abstained 'til I ditched all those beliefs after 19....(but of course its still her life and her choice even if you had not wanted her having sex) and then of course keeping her busy and away from the boyfriend would have been another way. I never got to hang out with boys in high school. I was always in school activities or jobs after work and babysitting and homework and my parents wouldn't drive me to boy's houses or anything or invite them over....

With no communication and a free pass to hang with the boyfriend so much:Yeah, they're gonna have sex. Any kids would.

What to say? Hmm. With total calm, "Honey I did not mean to snoop, I needed you drivers license and found your condoms. I'm so relieved you are being careful and safe. I'm also shocked and trying to adjust, so bear with me, I'm only human, but I love you sooo much and thank you for being responsible. I hope we can talk openly about some things (diseases, risks, even condoms don't prevent babies all the time, maybe she should also get on the pill, offer Dr visits...) I may be your mom but I'm a human and I've been around the block a few times, so I do know about this stuff, please talk to me anytime." Or something.

Eeeek, good luck!

Time to face reality and have a mature conversation with your daughter. Get her in the car when she can't walk away or slam a bedroom door and just bring it up. Maybe make something up, like "I was talking to a friend and was surprised to hear that her daughter is on the pill but then I thought about it and realized that we haven't really talked about his realistically." And use that as a lead in to a more detailed conversation. When I talked to my 16 year old daughter about this, it went something like:

"I know that you know that my wish is for you to wait until you're married but that that's probably not very realistic, so we need to talk about this especially where you are in a relationship. I don't need to know details, but I do want you to know that you really can talk to me about anything, including sex, and that the most important thing is that if you are in a sexual relationship, you're being safe and smart about it. If that means going on the pill, then we can make an appointment with your doctor and discuss options. If you don't want to use hormonal birth control, then we have to make sure that you have access to safe, reliable birth control and know what kind is best for you. It also means that if you're having that kind of relationship, your doctor needs to know that you're sexually active so that she can include appropriate exams in your health care. If you want to talk to her (doctor) about it instead of me that's fine, I'll respect your privacy, but I do want to make sure that you are getting good information from someone trusted."

My daughter (technically SD) isn't outright rude and disrespectful to me like yours seems to me (I get that from my sons) but she does not talk to me - or anyone - about anything. The conversation above was one that we had on our way to her annual physical. I told the doctor - in front of SD - that she had a serious boyfriend and I wanted them to privately discuss birth control and sexual health and then stepped out of the room for a bit. SD said that they weren't at the point where she needed any birth control (which I believe because they spend almost no time alone together) but we did have a good talk on the way home and it opened up the lines of communication quite a bit.

By allowing your daughter to hang out with her boyfriend and having no idea where she is or who else is around, the horse is already out of the barn. I would have put limits on this from the get-go, as in no, you can't just be picked up in the afternoon by your boyfriend while his mom is at work, but you didn't do that so you can either tighten the reins, or be realistic about the fact that she's probably having sex and you need to get that out in the open and be mature about it. It sounds like you don't have a very open or strong relationship with her, but that can't get in they way of protecting her sexual health.

What Kim O says. You have a responsible daughter apparently. Be glad about that, and if you haven't already, start talking to her like she's an adult. She's not quite there yet, but if you start laying the groundwork of adult communication (FAST), you'll probably do better than treating her like a child. Yes, she's your child, but she's only a few years away from living on her own.

I'm trying to figure out why you are so shocked. She's almost 17, she has a boyfriend, they have time alone together. Did it really never cross your mind that she would be sexually active?

By the way, 17 is a perfectly normal age to lose your virginity. I would try talking with her again. Just tell her that because she's going to be 17 and her boyfriend is 18, you assume she's sexually active or thinking about it, and if she needs anything at all (a doctor's appointment, advice) you will try to help her in any way at all. Tell her that you know it might feel strange to talk to your Mom about sex but you are an adult and you promise to listen to her without lecturing.

Then drop it if she doesn't want to talk, but occasionally have the same conversation, just to try to keep communication more open between the two of you.

It's common and normal for your daughter to be having sex at her age with a boyfriend she's had for a while.

Good for her for protecting herself.

If it were me, yes I would talk to her. I would want to make sure she was using condoms all the time, I would suggest adding the pill, and I would definitely want to know if she knew that STDs can be spread by oral sex.

She is NOT ALLOWED to flip out on you over this one. Use whatever consequence you must in order to make her listen and be remotely civil in a discussion about this. Keep it as brief as possible. Fifteen minutes max.

She is NOT ALLOWED to barricade herself in her room when you need to have an important talk. You still hold all the cards -- there are many things you can take away from her (car keys, electronics, social time, whatever she holds dear), until she communicates with you about this.

I think the GYN is a good idea, and good dialogues suggested below.

Sixteen can be a very uncharming age. Happy to say that my now-21 year old daughter is once again extremely charming. ;)

Set the box on her bed, make her an appointment with your OBGYN. When she gets home tell her you need her licence for whatever it was you needed it for, then tell her she has an appointment. Tell her you found her condoms, tell her to make sure she stays stocked up and to ALWAYS use them and drop it.

If she flips out, let her, sit in silence and wait. When you see her again, remind her of her appointment and if you didn't get your business done with her license ask for it again.

Do not harp on the condoms, she's using them, be thankful. Cover the bases and get her on the pill or an IUD. Let the doctor handle the whole deal of condoms protect against STDs, the pill/IUD is to protect against pregnancy. She needs to be taking care of BOTH.

Well, I do wonder what's going on with you two with trust. You're in her purse without her knowledge? She's not telling you about the condoms? I mean, you're not going to gain her trust by telling her you've gone in her purse without her knowledge. I'm wondering why you didn't just say "hey, I need your license for something…" If it was legit, she would give it to you. This looks like snooping, even to me.

She's under your roof, so she's under your rules. Personally, you could tell her you found them, but all that's going to do is make her trust you even less. Instead, maybe you lead off with a general comment about how you've been thinking about her age and teens her age in general. How you hope she'll consider waiting until she's in a mature, committed, stable relationship, but that no matter what if she decides not to wait, you hope she'll carry condoms with her in her purse and always be prepared. Tell her about that "friend" who now wishes she had waited. The one who had an STD. The one who got pregnant. Tell her any one of the gazillion stories from this board. And I would get her to the gynecologist for a check up and possibly BCP.

You may not be communicating well, but you should be very proud of her for being responsible. I'm pretty impressed, to be honest. I never had sex as a teenager, but there are very few of us who waited.

You've received some good answers to this question. I suggest that it's very important for you to learn some skills in communicating with your daughters. You also have a 12 yo who needs to know about emotional and physical issues of sex. I suggest that you also rethink your boundaries, how they perhaps didn't work with the oldest and how you can work them with the younger daughter.

I suggest that your older daughter may be doing alright. In today's world early sex is to be expected. What matters is knowing how to deal with it. I, too, suggest that it's now time for her to have a routine appointment with a gynecologist.

Before you say or do anything deal with your feelings and get help in deciding how to handle this. You mention being Christian. I suggest your pastor or someone in your church, maybe a youth leader, could help you. If you don't go to church then talk with a counselor. Perhaps your daughter's school has a counselor who could help.

I also urge you to read How to Listen book by Adele Faber before talking with your daughter. You want to have a helpful conversation. From what you describe any conversation you have now will result in a fight causing your message to be unheard.

I suggest that your 12 yo could have a conversation about sex with her pediatrician. My granddaughter's pediatrician talked with her a bit at a time starting at 12. She's now 14. She and her mother are confortable having conversations. Her mom started this by reading What's Happening With My Body for girls by Lia Madras when she was 9 or so.

Remember, in this generation, premarital sex in teens is common and not the stigma you're feeling. Your daughter is Ok.

Here in Portland high schools have clinics on campus. Your daughter may have already received medical advice. If not, it is important that she has safe sex. That would be my focus for her. Be careful to move forward and not get bogged down in what ifs or yor feelings of disappointment and anger over this happening.

Great responses so far. Kim O. and Amy J. already gave you my response.

It is scary and sometimes shocking to learn what your kids are up to, especially where sex or the law are concerned. And it's a scary conversation to have, too, especially when you're not communicating well in general. (Pretty typical for the teen years, by the way.) But your daughter is struggling to find her own way, and most kids and families do manage to come through these years with only a few scars.

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen How to Listen so Kids Will Talk is a brilliant and helpful book. There's a version for TEENS that I have not yet read or used (but my grandboy is going on 9, so I'll be reading it soon.) I strongly recommend this based on their original book, which has transformed several families I know with difficult toddlers and younger children. I love the techniques I've learned from this, and wish it had been around when my daughter was a little. It helps parents coach their kids on how to problem-solve, and truly enhances communication.

I wish you calm. This is a sort of rite of passage for many a mom.

good for her for being sensible.
from the time she acquired a boyfriend and was being permitted time alone with him she should have been on the pill as well as given condoms.
i don't know how to fix the communication issues at this late date, but you've got to try, however awkward and embarrassing it is. this is your daughter. she will be completely in the right to be angry at you rifling her purse, so you'll need to apologize for violating her privacy, without subsuming your role as her mother. you've been too complacent, and too ready to give up your place as her parent and role model.
open up the conversation now. today.
khairete
S.

You have some great answers already. However, just because she has condoms does NOT mean they are using them correctly - with spermicide - and she needs to have all the info. I like Mynewnickname's answer a lot.

This is a really good opportunity to have an adult, calm conversation. DO NOT accuse her of doing anything or give her a hard time for the choice she has made. She can't take back what she's already done, so here's a chance to make things good going forward.

First of all, acknowledge that you're glad she was smart and responsible and used a condom. It's ok to be disappointed that she chose to have sex, but be glad she is doing it safely and focus on that aspect.

Now, since it's out in the open, discuss other birth control options that have a better success rate. Maybe she would like to go on the pill but was afraid to talk to you about it. It's certainly more effective than a condom (if she'll use it correctly). Or maybe an IUD is a good choice since you don't want her pregnant anytime soon. Encourage her to continue condom usage too - in addition to other birth control - so that she's also protected against STDs.

In any case, apologize for going through her things. Tell her why you needed her license - don't hide anything or lie - and tell her you're sorry you violated her privacy.

If she has a temper and is going to throw it in your face, the best thing to do is just focus on the facts and help make sure she's being as safe and as smart as she can be. You're not going to be able to stop her from having sex if she's already doing it, so don't bother trying.

She's turning 17 in a month so now is the perfect opportunity for you to schedule an appointment with a gynecologist. Tell her that she's getting to that age, and that she does have a boyfriend and needs to be seen. Let her know that she should be 100% honest with the doctor about her sexual activity and be aware of her birth control options.

I agree with what Amy J and Kim O said. I would be completely freaked that the condom would break. It's time to have the pill talk.

She needs to be on birth control ASAP. I was that same teenagerband had a lot of scares before my Mom insisted. Remember teens don't think beyond now just in the moment.

I've heard great things about the book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen How to Listen so Kids Will Talk. I think you should read that book and try to open up a dialogue with your daughter using some of the tools in the book. I wouldn't tell her I found the condoms or say anything at all, at least until after you read the book. If you start the conversation wrong, it will be over as soon as it starts.

I think you should become a bit more educated about the boyfriend situation. You THINK he's 18, but you're not sure. One of the first things you should have done was to confirm his age. Before my daughter ever got into a car with a boy, I checked his driver's license. That's right - needed to be sure he was properly licensed. Then you get the age and address info as well without really asking for that.

Next, you make SURE you know where they are going when they leave. You need a definite destination and a definite time to be home. None of this hanging out in the car - cars are great for having sex. They need to be going to a public place - and perhaps once or twice you might also show up there just to see. I remember running into my mom and dad a couple of times at the movie theater - they were checking up on me. Didn't like it then, but definitely understand it now.

Don't try to be her friend. The old saying "if your teen doesn't like you, you are probably doing something right" is very true. You are her mom, not her friend.

I think you need to talk to her. Calmly. I would honestly be happy she has condoms because that shows some responsibility on her part for her body and fertility. But I would discuss the pill, or other long-term forms of birth control, too, visiting a gynecologist (or start with her GP) and discuss things with her like still using condoms to prevent disease and relationships, etc. Even though I knew my SD was on the pill and had a long-term boyfriend, seeing the condoms in her "packing for college bag" was still a little bit of a surprise - part of you still thinks they are so young. But I'm glad that SD has had a good head and has been able to have some open conversations, not really with me, but with her mother and father, about her love life. She could still be hiding things from us, but we believe she chooses partners with whom she has a relationship, vs having a lot of random hookups. It's not just about one conversation. It is about many. So don't think this needs to be said in one go. Just let her know you know and what you feel the next steps are (like seeing the doctor) and listen to her as well.

For some people, no, it won't be "shocking". But I don't think that it needs to mean anything bad if this mother is a little taken aback. And it's probably hard, too, to know what to say when your kid is on permanent PMS.

ETA: Short conversations in the car are often beneficial. No one needs to look at anybody and there is a finite timeframe. Some of the best conversations I had with SD in particular were after picking her up from her activities at school.

Why would you need HER driver's license? Or did you just need an excuse to go in her purse?
If I told my daughter that I had found something that upset me whilst I was rummaging through her purse, she would never trust me again.
If you found condoms, then she is having SAFE sex. Be glad that she is being safe about it.

I'd tell her that the time has come for her to go see a gyn (female) and you want her to have depo provera shots because you are not interested in becoming a grandmother. Tell her nothing about the purse. You do NOT have to admit to why you know she is sexually active. Until she goes to the gyn, you take her nowhere and give her no privileges. She doesn't see her boyfriend at all until she has been to the doctor. The shot is every 3 months and two years will go by fast.

The doctor will urge her to continue using the condoms because of STD's. She will scoff, but at least she will have the depo provera in case of an "oops".

It's too late to have the discussion with her. It's not too late (I hope) to keep from becoming a grandmother. Put your foot down and demand it of her. If she loses every single privilege she has (phone, computer, TV, iPad, going out with her friends, etc) she will stick out her arm for that shot.

She says "she knows everything" and apparently she's smart enough to use condoms to protect against STDs, and there is some protection against pregnancy. So you have to see this as a good thing! I know that's hard but she has taken responsibility. I would stop the discussions of waiting until marriage - regardless of your values, it's a bit unrealistic but in any case, you're shutting the barn door after the horse has escaped. She's not discussing anything at all with you because you and she are too far apart on values. So you need to find common ground.

So she needs to go to the gynecologist for an exam and a discussion about contraception. She is living in your house and I'm not sure I would permit any locked bedroom doors or a child who goes ballistic and tells me something isn't my business. Anyone who can't manage her temper needs some help communicating, but maybe you need some help too in learning to parent a teenager. You admit you're a bit naive because she goes off with a boy whose age you're not even sure of, and you assumed she was just making out. So you and she need to have some conversations about honesty and boundaries and rules and privileges.

You have to tie her behavior to her privileges. She wants the car, she wants a late curfew, she wants to go out with a boy? She needs to be sure you meet this boy and that you trust her to tell you the truth about where she is. If you need some professional help to work out a system of communication and reasonable rules you can both live with, get it. You can't be parenting in order to avoid her temper, but she needs a certain amount of earned freedom and on some level should be commended for taking responsibility to not get pregnant or infected. So find a way to be supportive of that.

Well, I think you should assume a 17 year old is having sex with her 18 year old boyfriend. When they go to his house, no one is there, so they can do as they please. My mom worked and she got home around 6pm...neighborhood kids would come over and we could do pretty much whatever we wanted. I think it's great she is using condoms. I'd have a talk with her about safe sex and say it is probably time to take her to her first gyno appointment where she can get on the pill.

Definitely address it. It's easy for people to say "Why isn't she talking to you about this?" Um, because she's a teenage girl! How many teenagers are like "Hey mom! I'm having sex!" I'm sure not as many as they'd like to believe!
Unfortunately, you do need to tell her what you found. Bottom line is this, if she DOES become pregnant, who's going to be responsible for this baby? Most likely you. I would take her to an OB as well. Tell her while you appreciate she has protection, that's not enough. She needs further protection. She may be mad, she may yell, but so what. If you can prevent a teen pregnancy, so be it. Take the lock off her door, this YOUR house. And she could putting herself in a situation that will also affect you, greatly! I know teens have sex, some have the best parents ever and still end up pregnant. But she needs to realize NOW if she's going to indulge in this very adult behavior, maturity and responsibility needs to come into play, pronto.
Good luck Mama!

Your almost 17 year left her purse at home...that seems odd to me unless she switched purses but wouldn't her license be with her in whatever purse she was carrying? Being a mom, it makes no sense that you would have thought her license were home when she was not so the story seems fishy to me. It sounds like you were snooping (I could be wrong) and I grew up in a home where there was no privacy so I would be upset if I were her.

That said, I can understand your concern; however, if you thought she was making out I can't imagine you didn't think she could be having sex. At least she's smart enough to have the condoms just in case.

You have too options, freak out and alienate your daughter AND insure she will not trust you again OR you broach the subject matter again from the perspective that you a aware she could be having sex and you want to be sure she knows she can come to you.

Updated

Your almost 17 year left her purse at home...that seems odd to me unless she switched purses but wouldn't her license be with her in whatever purse she was carrying? Being a mom, it makes no sense that you would have thought her license were home when she was not so the story seems fishy to me. It sounds like you were snooping (I could be wrong) and I grew up in a home where there was no privacy so I would be upset if I were her.

That said, I can understand your concern; however, if you thought she was making out I can't imagine you didn't think she could be having sex. At least she's smart enough to have the condoms just in case.

You have too options, freak out and alienate your daughter AND insure she will not trust you again OR you broach the subject matter again from the perspective that you a aware she could be having sex and you want to be sure she knows she can come to you.

You've gotten lots of good answers already. I can imagine it is a shock, especially since in hindsight, you can see how much you were in denial and could have done things differently. IF she is having sex, thank God she is using condoms. You or her doctor or someone in her life did give her some of the information she needs, and she is acting responsibly.

What matters most now, however, is going forward. Whether or not you tell her that you found the condoms in her purse is something only you decide. I know I couldn't talk to my daughter without saying why I am bringing up the subject of visiting the gynecologist, but that's me. In any case, you absolutely MUST be calm and non-accusing when you have the talk with your daughter about making the appointment. You cannot let the conversation slip into what you think she is doing, what you wish she had done, or what you should have said; it has to focus on how she will get the information and health care that she needs now and for her adulthood. If she hasn't been to a gyn yet, she definitely should go. I think I started seeing one at age 13 or so--not for birth control, for my general health. The gyn is someone she can ask those questions which are too uncomfortable to discuss with you--and you can tell your daughter that the gyn is exactly that resource, that the gyn will not discuss her questions with you. Do say you are still absolutely open to talking with her (listening to her questions, answering with calmness and honesty), and if she wants to do it through writing or while sitting in the car, fine.

Good luck. My 9 year old daughter already tends to flip out and yell... I'm imagining what it must be like with a mid-teen.

Well at least she has them. My Friends 15 year old .. did not have or use them.. She is now a 16 yer old mama, and my friend is not even 40 and a grandma.

This is time that you are not her friend, you are her mom. Mom who needs to take the reigns and reel them in.

Good luck