She's Getting Out of Control

I have no words of wisdom just that you have my absolute sympathy. We have a 13 soon to be 14 yo boy that acts exactly the same way except that he is no longer pulling up the grades at the last minute. He has 3 Fs. When he does his work, he has As and Bs so it's all a motivation problem, not ability. It's maddening to see them throwing away opportunities (esp. opportunities you may not have had). Hang in there!

I don't have a teenager, so I can't speak from experience, but I once heard an idea that I thought was ingenious. Since you don't work outside the home, spend a few days at school with her - all her classes, lunch, everything.

Tell her in advance that she has proven herself untrustworthy by her recent actions/attitude. Give her one last chance, either she straightens up, gets to school on time, turns in assignments, stops lying, comes home when she's supposed to, etc etc etc - or you will accompany her to school to find out why she is having so much trouble with everything. Then follow through. The first day she oversleeps walk with her to school, and stay there! I'm willing to bet the threat alone would work, and if not you would only have to spend one day at school with her.
Good luck!

first of all you tell her i am your mom not your slave. Second she is big enough to get herself up and to school without your help. as far as the cell phone they are not your kids its not your decision if they lose thier cell phone but you are my kid and it is my decision. just because their mom doesn't know how to be a mom doesn't mean I should follow suit if they jumped off of a bridge I am not going to do it just because they did. You are her mom not her taxi if she wants to be carted around she can pay you gas money or walk. She wants to be an adult treat her like one completely. when she gets caught lying and needs bailed out make her get herself out of it. I totally believe in tough love. If she says shes staying after school make her get a note from that teacher(it will probably be her friend) and then go to the school in front of her and ask the teacher if that is her writing. put her in a corner. where she has to admit shes lying and why. My son said he couldn't get away with squat with me and hated it. but he gave up lying to me for the most part. he only lies now to stay out of trouble. But he still gets cornered on it and hates it. ONce cornered they have to fess up.

D.,
Are you in Fairfax County? If so, the first step I would take is to sign up for STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting). Wow, did I learn a lot from it. My son is 15 and I was getting the sassy mouth treatment just like you. What I learned was that I allowed my son to dictate the direction of the conversation. And that was never a good direction. Call your daughter's school counselor and ask about the program. It should be starting up about now.

In the meantime, here are some of the things I do:

1. Don't engage in arguing. If my son says, "You're mean. No one else get grounded for ????." I don't argue. I say what needs to be said and then I stop talking. That is hard for me. But it's like the dog whisperer, use few words so the kids can't bait you into a fight.

2. Keep those lines of communication open with the teachers. I'll write to them everyday, if I need to but usually once a week will be enough. I ask if my son is turning in homework. I don't care about grades because if he does it, he'll make a good grade. Sounds like your daughter is the same way. I email everyone. Counselors, teachers, afterschool teachers.

3. I use "I statements" a lot. I learned this from STEP. Example: I feel hurt when you yell at me. Or I understand you're angry because you lost cell phone privileges.
This one is hard for me because I feel silly sometimes but it can work often in bringing out what my son is really feeling.

I cannot stress how important STEP was for me. At first I thought it was a waste of time but now two years later I still refer to my book when I need direction.

Best of luck to you and your family.
K.

it really sounds as if you two are spiraling downwards. she has WAY too much control over your relationship. i think it's important to give teenagers control over their lives to some degree (the infantilization of our teens is a hot button of mine) but you have allowed this girl to define the boundaries of what's acceptable and now it's very hard to redefine them. i definitely think some counseling or parenting workshops are in order, not because you're a bad parent in any way, but just to give you some tools as to how to firmly and quietly put yourself back in the driver's seat.
khairete
S.

I think she needs to spend some time volunteering and she needs to get a job. Teenagers get really introverted and everything is about me me me with them! It's like their whole world revolves around their friends and a cell phone.

I know what you want to do is punish but I'm not sure that will work. It'll bring compliance...but also more lying.

I think volunteering (while they may hate it at first) really does help. It opens their eyes to a world that's bigger than the one they live in. It makes them feel important and helpful (I know you want to make her feel small because she's acting like she is the most important thing ever but in reality she's acting that way because she DOESN'T feel important.) It turns them into contributing members of society.

Also, your daughter sounds like she might be bored if she can pull off good grades at the last minute. That tells me she IS capable and is choosing not to be. She needs a bigger game in life other than school and friends. She needs a challenge. A hobby or something to work for. Right now it sounds like she has nothing to work for and so she's making trouble. That's what bored kids do.

demand counseling she sounds to be lost on what direction her life is going hormones could be out of wack or depression, have a sit down talk and let her know the friends that are encourageing her to be disrepectful and skip school wont be there to help support her or habits when she is older. Friends dont last,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, education and family do maybe she can get a job to keep her busy and not so much free time. good luck mother, but keep talking to her, they do listen and come back later to apoligize , counseling try it

Take her out to dinner, get a cup of coffee or somewhere you two can be alone outside of the house. Nothing can ever be handled in anger.

First, swearing is disrespectful for either of you to use, ever. The words are not bad, it is how the words are applied.

Second, kindly and sincerely ask her what is going on in her life. Ask about school, where she wants to go in her life and talk respectfully towards each other. If it gets angry or loud, sit without words and try again.

If you two cannot talk to one another, seek counceling as soon as possible. If you cannot afford it, keep at the only talking when you can be kind to one another. If neither of you can say something nice, no one goes anywhere until you can.

At 16, if she over sleeps, keep her home for the day but do not allow any form of entertainment (TV, Phone, Computer) and spend the entire day together. Or walk to school with her. I had to walk two hours to get to school one time... if I missed the bus I knew I was walking.

Be firm, but NO YELLING, NO SWEARING and NO LIES, you must open communication now.

It is really hard to show your love to a child who constantly fight with you on each single word. I know it. But fight with yourself and do show her as much love as you can especially when she is disrespectful. Never raise your voice, but firmly and with love( not hate ) ground her and show her the consequences of her behaviors. Enroll her in graceful and noble activities for a girl her age: ballet, Irish dance, chess, facing, swimming, horse riding. Help her have ''play dates'' with teenagers from this kind of activities. Explain to her the benefit of a noble friend instead of one who might drug her in messy surroundings. Believe me, this way, she will come to her sense. Love in Christ, + N. m.

I'm at the same place as you with my second teen. The first is in college - yeah. There were many times I didn't think he would make it. I am working on being calmer for my middle child who is more difficult than I thought possible. Search for Kirk Martin and calm. His email messages are helpful reminders. His workshops are free, funny, and helpful. The CDs are helping me but he should price them much lower.

With my eldest, I emailed the teachers on Thursdays to see if there were any missing assignments and if there were then he couldn't go out that weekend. When I tried to tie privileges to grades for a particular quarter, he just gave up trying but did better consequences for just a week of behavior. He would have flipped over losing his cellphone for a whole quarter. I took it away for a few days fat a time for violence or cursing and was told of the dire impact on his ability to work on school projects and the damage to his social life. Lots of drama. He still wakes up late and misses class and it has affected his grades but he is off on his own and has to deal with the impact of that on HIS life. It is very frustrating but we all did better when I stopped keeping track of his projects and just went with the once per week check. I did have to pay for tutors for a couple of classes that were just too hard for someone who has difficulty sitting in a chair and working for hours at a time.

It is good that you are honest with the school. I used to call and tell them the truth too about why he was late or not there at all. They told me that many parents lie and that they appreciated the honesty.

This is a difficult time and all we can do is our best to set limits and let them experience the consequences of their behavior. My older son is already coming around and seeing that I wasn't crazy or evil. He used to say that I should let him practice taking drugs and drinking alcohol and having sex or he would go wild on his own later. Well, would you let a kid who says that go to parties and sleepovers in high school? I didn't, he was really angry, but now he is making some pretty good choices.

Good luck.

K.

I think all teens are difficult - and it could be much worse, but you're right that things need to change. Does she have any activities she is in? Maybe sports, or a drama club, or a job? If not, her into those things. It sounds like you are definitely a responsible parent and have consequences for actions, but what if you made it almost impossible for her to have options to do wrong? My oldest is only 6, so I can not relate exactly to you, but I know that she doesn't like to miss her dance class if she doesnt do what she is supposed to do. And my son is 4, but he won't miss his Tae Kwon Do class for anything either. They are very involved in anything they do, and always will be. I had my daughter when I was 20, and I don't want her doing the same - so maybe just try to talk with her, and then fill her time with things. She can definitely get a job, she can take up an activity, and she can be more helpful around the house. Good luck!

Please please please attend one of these free workshops by Kirk Martin this weekend!!!!!!! And take her and your husband with you!

Between this morning and Saturday morning there are 4 workshops and you must attend one of them! (see schedule on the website)
http://www.celebratecalm.com/schedule.html
He is not always in No. VA so take advantage of this opportunity so you don't have to wait until next time he visits this area.

My friend and I went to a workshop in November. They are free to parents because the event is sponsored by the location. I was amazed at how when he talks it's like he's talking directly to you. It was awesome! And his teenage son Casey is usually there and talks too which is why your daughter should go with you.
You will have the opportunity to purchase his CD's but you don't have to and if you take your daughter and your husband with you and take good notes you may not have to buy the CD's.
I did however buy his CD's because I did not take my husband with me (wish I had) and I wanted us to be on the same page. I can tell you that my children now listen when i ask them to do (or not do) something, have much less attitude, and generally there is no more yelling in my house.
If your daughter is really on that path to destruction you might want to consider his summer camp. You'll probably get a new daughter back. Ask him about it at the seminar.

If you are busy this weekend make the time to go to one anyway. You will thank me when you get home. There is one this morning at 10am at Ft. Myer in Arlington.