She Is Not a Baby!

I feel for you.

I can see it from both sides. When my SIL was going through the process of adopting from Russia, the more I learned about the little girl, the more I just wanted to hold her and never let her go. So, I know that the ladies at your church have the very best intentions for your daughter. They love her, take heart in that.

It certainly does not make it any easier to be in your situation. No one volunteers at church to be the disciplinarian, which makes it harder for them to correct misbehavior when they see it. You see them loving her in a different way than your other children and of course, that could send her the wrong message in years to come, that she is some how different than the rest of your family. Rest assured, because of her age, she won't remember the love she didn't get as a young child that brought her to your home as long as she is being loved now (obviously she is - by everyone involved). What others may not see as easily as you, because they are not her parents, is that not only does she need love, but also discipline and self-control. Obviously, that is what you are striving to provide for her.

My suggestion would be to excuse yourself with your daughter whenever a discipline issue arrises at church, even if it is just to step over to another corner of the room to talk with her. Do what you would normally do, letting her know that X behavior is inappropriate and set the consequences. Resolve the issue before returning her to those who might excuse her behavior when she bats her eyes.

Another thing to do would be to politely involve others in your attempts to discipline. When you drop her off for Sunday school/child care, say something simple like, "We are really working on whining at home. If you catch her whining when she wants something, could you please remind her that using words and manners will get her what she wants more than whining will?" It may remind them that, she too needs to be held responsible for the rules as they will feel like they are letting you down if they don't address a matter when it arises.

You are frustrated now, but try to see how much love these people have for your daughter. Hopefully some of them will read your message and come to see that they can best show God's love to your daughter by both hugging on her AND by supporting your efforts in raising her to His standards. And try not to deny them the privilege of holding her. As long as she is enjoying it and it is not interfering with a discipline moment, let them cuddle her...for their own sake.

L.

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I would suggest you talk to a family counselor to get suggestions on how to handle this. It's wonderful that you want to treat her exactly like your other children as that consistency is so important! At the same time, she did not benefit from your nurturing from day one and may not have as strong an emotional bond as do your other children (I'm not saying you can't develop such!). This isn't your fault - it's the nature of how your relationship has developed. So, she may well need some extra attention from you that she is finding how to get from other people, which is why I suggest you talk to a professional who has experience dealing with combined birth children and foster children. I don't doubt that you love them all the same - but again she did miss out on a very important stage in developing a bond, thus likely her crying really is a true cry for something she innately needs. And, it really is important to figure that out now.

And. as others have noted, you just need to do what's best/right for your child independent of what other people think. Believe me, when she's a teenager, there's likely to be a whole lot more judgement about how you're raising your kids than there is now! It just comes with the territory.

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Personally I don't care what anyone thinks.if they don'tlike my parenting style. They can look the other way.my mom treats my oldest this way. Totally ticks me off. My oldest is my husband step child. She says that she has to do it because he is special. I keep telling her is not special. That's a constant battle between us

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You are going to have to put your foot down loudly and firmly and if the good church people are affended then so be it. Are they the ones that take care of the child at night or when not at church? No, then they should listen to you. All children should be treated the same in a family as this does cause ill will between siblings (either now or later in life). If they the church people want to "baby" her so much then you should call them up and have them come over and care for her in their homes. I don't think they want that. So they should butt out. Sorry to be so blunt but nobody wants to hurt any one's feelings and you are the one that is hurt. The other alternative is to change church families and begin a new. Life is too short for such nonsense. Good luck to you. The other S.

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My little brother was adopted from a very young age and he suffered development issues due to the lack of maternal bonding during his infancy and early childhood. I believe this is called the adoption attachment disorder. He ended up needing years of therapy (I believe he started when he was only 3) and he was even institutionalized a couple of times. He is now a well adjusted adult overcoming obstacles.

"I have heard on several occassions that children who missed even the earliest of maternal bonding will need to go back to that in order to move forward. So, while you have to love your children equally, you have to treat them individually, and right now, she may need the coddling and comfort in order to progress."

I 100% agree with this statement.

Now, my parents also got judged a lot by friends/family. They were never able to explain the situation to the point of anyone understanding. Even parents of non special needs children get judged for various reasons, You really just have to do lots of research to make sure you are doing what is best for her development, if you are then great, but if not, then make some changes.

In reality though, it is interesting that other people would try and comfort your child while you are there handling the situation. I think, if it was me, I would just say "Thanks, but we got it under control."

http://www.adoption.org/adopt/adoption-attachment-disorde...

I don't know what church you go to, but at our church, when someone is going through a situation, they have a little memo email that may explain the needs of that particular family. For instance, if someone just had a baby and needs meals that week, or someone is moving and needs help, someone's husband is away for a while and needs help with the kids during the services... if you have an option like that, you could maybe express that your child is having some hardships, but per her counselors/Dr recomendations, she is needing to not be babied by non family members at this time.

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I am a foster adopt mom, too, seven biochildren, three adopted children, and more than fifty foster children over the years. and I've also noticed that people show more attention to the foster children and then the adopted children - I used to have people offer to babysit the foster children all the time, but never my bios!!
Your church family is such an important part of your life, and you need to love them, too. Understand where they are coming from, they have compassion for this child, and even more so because of her size. If you are getting dirty looks, then I would like to suggest you might not be handling it well. When someone picks her up and babies her, take a minute or so removing her from them, all the while talking to HER: "Come on, sweetie, give Mrs. church member a hug and kiss, and let's go take care of what's bothering you. Tell Mrs. church member thank you for making sure your okay, and you'll be right back."
And then, don't worry about it so much, unless it's causing jealousy in the biochildren. Don't let it become a big thing. Be glad they love her.
One more thing about your second sentence, and I say this as a reminder to myself, too. They are all 'your own' now, the bios and the adopted. That is such a hard thing to train yourself not to say, but so important!

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A.,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling like a "mean mom" because of your church family. Unfortunately we tend to see the most judgement from people at church.

I dont have an addopted child, how ever my son does have other issues, and is smaller for his age, so I feel that I can relate some. Some people do tend to disagree with the way that we raise our child and that we do not allow certain behavior, which most people say that he is "just being a child", but for us it is unruley and unacceptable, and for that I am labled a "mean mom". I feel that I am simply raising my child teaching him how to be a well rounded, polite and well behaved person. I do not want him to act like most of the chidren these days that the parrents are too busy being their friends and too worried about being the "mean parrent" and are doing their children more of a disservice.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you are her mom, and she is a part of your family now. As such, you are in controle of how she is raised. Be proud of that. Those that judge you should be remnded "Thou shalt not judge. He who is with out sin may cast the first stone" If being a "mean mom" is best for my son's development into a well rounded person, then I am proud to be a mean mom. And if doing so is best for you and your family, then I am proud to have you as a mean mom with me.LOL

So with love to you, from one mean mom to the next!Good luck!
Be Blessed!

A.,

First of all thank you for taking in a child to have a loving mother and father and other siblings to love her, that's wonderful, God will bless you for it. You are wanting to do what's right & be a consistant parent with all your children and that's exactly the way to go. The people at your church that know she's adopted are just trying to go above & beyond to make sure they don't act indifferent but you just need to let them know how you feel about it because more than likely they are just doing what they "think" is best. I have learned that miss communication or no communication is the worst thing and can make you miserable when others have no clue they did something to upset you. May God bless you and your family abundantly! Have a blessed Easter as we all celebrate our risen Savior and Lord Jesus Christ!

I would tell them gently but firmly that she is not a baby and that you are trying to teach her to be responsible for her actions and that you and your husband are not trying to be mean, but that she does not need to be babied. I would tell them that she needs to be treated as any other child would be. If they have a problem with it, then it is just that, their problem. Don't let it get to you. You know you are not being mean or treating your child in an improper way.

Hi A.,

I don't actually have any advice (sorry), but I wanted to go on public record that I don't think anyone could possibly think you're a mean mom. How could one feel that way about someone who's heart is so generous as to not only love a child you didn't bear, but to discipline them as well?! You are a kind and generous person with a fantastic heart. Good luck in finding your answer!

Hi A.,

We also have three children that we adopted. You must tell the good hearted friends that she is a member of your family and that you must discipline her just like your biological children so that everyone is treated the same. She already has learned that she can get away with it by crying like a baby etc. and that you will have to be the mean mommy at times to get her acting like a big girl. She will benefit from your firmness and you may have to explain that she is four and not a baby so please don't treat her as such. Good luck.
C.

Well, you have to think about it this way - would you rather get the mean looks or your child grow up to be a HOLY terror(ok, so a little pun intended, but I know this is no laughing matter)? I'm sure these people mean well, but YOU are her mother and YOU determine what is best for HER. You have to stand firm, and sometimes that will mean putting your foot down with the people who are undermining you as a parent. They won't like that, and they may not like you, but they will respect you. So will she, and she will learn that not only can she not get away with that with you, but she can't get away with it from other people too. Who cares if they think you are the meanest mom in the world? That's part of the reason that so many children grow up to be criminals, gangsters, felons, because their parents didn't discipline them for fear of being labeled 'mean'.

Stand tall and firm and know you are doing the best thing to raise your child, and if these other people want to have input on how an adopted child is raised, then they should go adopt one themselves and stay out of your business. Maybe you should take the stand that "God trusted that I know what's best for this child, that's why she became part of our lives, so please don't interfere". More power to you and many prayers!

Hi A., your question really strikes home with me. I come from a family of 5 kids, my oldest brother and I are natural children and the younger 3 were all adopted (at different times). My oldest brother and I grew up absolutely miserable because the adopted kids were treated so differently than we were. We always felt left out or less of a child. We were given the impression by most that we were okay and didn't need the extra love or attention... the others weren't, they had been given up for adoption.

No matter how mean you might seem or how rude people think you are, stick to your guns. Keep sticking up for your older 2 kids. Also, please make special time for them...they do still need it. This is a big change for them too.
Maybe at church you could just request things differently, don't ask them to stop babying her. Just demand that all children in your care be created equal. Tell them when they're done holding 4 yr old they can then hold the other 2. When they're done letting 4 yr old be a brat, they can then encourage the other 2 in bratty play. Act like you are fine with everything as long as they do it with all 3 kids. I think they will turn and run!!! LOL At least it will get the point across.

I too have an adopted daughter of course she is grown and has her own children but She is mine and always has been so you need to explain to people that she is one of your children and in order for her to fit in and not upset the other children that she is to be treated just like the others seeing as she is part of your family.
P.

A.-
I have an adopted almost 4 year old girl. She is our only.
I would love for our girls to meet each other. I understand your plight. Although my daughter does not have any special needs, it might be kind of fun for them to get together...she won't be babied by another 4 year old!
We live in the Frisco area.

I am with Mary on this one. I have heard on several occassions that children who missed even the earliest of maternal bonding will need to go back to that in order to move forward. So, while you have to love your children equally, you have to treat them individually, and right now, she may need the coddling and comfort in order to progress. I absolutely would speak with a professional who can help you, in case this is part of the problem. If you had an infant, or even a toddler, you would expect your other children to understand that she needs more attention that they do, as they have become more independant. I am not saying that is the problem, but it could be, and if she feels like she is not getting this extra attention at home, she will likely seek it out in other ways. I applaud you for your efforts in caring for this little angel, and hope that all will work out beautifully for you!! ~A.~

As long as you are disciplining or correcting your little girl in a loving and constructive way, others should realize that you are only wanting to raise a loving well rounded little girl that is not spoiled rotten and is not an uncontrollable teenager some day. You might explain this to your friends. I'm sure that they would realize that one of the best gifts that you can give that little girl is a life of love, structure, responsibility, self control, respect for others etc... Be aware of what is appropriate for her age. Of course she needs to be cuddled and loved, just because. Along with that she needs discipline to help her grow and mature. Because she is small it is natural for others to think that she is younger than she looks. I'm sure that she will learn to let others know that she is a big girl. As a parent no one would want anyone undermining their authority. Would your fiends want you to do that with their kids.
J. W.

first, that is so wonderful that you adopted her. i too am an adopted baby by my foster parents at a young age. so from the bottom of my heart-thankyou for rescuing this little angel.
Have you tried the direct approach ? i know it my get old to have to say it to everyone one but if it works??
just explain that yal are having problems with her acting like a "baby" and tell them it would really help her if she was treated like a 4year old.like all the other kids so that she transitions into her new family and with other kids better.
making it be all about your daughter and how they can help her might make them not feel that you are attacking them.
might be worth a try!
good luck

Each time someone gives you a dirty look you should say, "We expect all of our children to behave and, since she is a member of our family, we love her enough to expect her to abide by the rules as well."

Unless you are abusing her, you should not feel sorry or uncomfortable about expecting her to behave like you expect the other children to behave. You obviously believe in Proverbs 13:24 and there is no shame in following what the Bible says about raising your child! Keep up the good work!!

First to all of her church members who are viewing this site you must remember she is the mother and therefore sets the rules for her home. Second your church is your extended family and should support their family members not judge them. If this little girl does not get treated like a member of the family now which means same rules and discipline as the other children she will never learn to be a part of this family. I know this first hand. I have a step son who when he came to visit cause mom had custody we treated him different and he did not have to go by the rules fully and we told the others it was because he did not live there full time and did not want to punish him while visiting. He made the decision 2 years ago to live with us full time. So guess what we enforced house rulles now that he was here full time and he flat out asked how come it was OK for him to do these things before and now all of a sudden he was getting in trouble for the same actions. He was very confused and getting angry. We have come a long way in 2 years but he is older then 4 and adjusting. We are also raising our 4 yo grandson. We treated him special for the first 2 years. Now that we have permanant custody we are enforcing the rules and not babying him and he gets confused and he sees what we are doing with the older SS and wants chores and asked why we do things different for both of them. We now have house rules and house discipline and either one of them breaks the rule they get same punishment. Kids are smart and she will notice the difference. She may even be putting on the play for others because she knows she is special by being adopted and she knows they will give in. Everyone needs to be on the same page. Love the child but do not treat her special. Also the other children will notice this and could fall into the you love her more syndrome and start their own little rebellion. They could develop a resentment towards her. She IS part of the family not a guest and you have the right to ask them to please not undermine you. She needs stability not sympathy. GOOD LUCK and do not be affraid to voice you desires on how she is treated.

Racism is a double edged sword - it's treating members of a specific group in a certain way because they are members of that specific group. Good or Bad.

Were I you, I would phrase it like this:

I am concerned that, because she is always treated differently, Babywhoisn'tababy is going to feel like she isn't a part of our family. Please do not try to counter the discipline that we find appropriate for our children. Any of our children. And they are all ours.

From another mean mom, who treats them all like 'birth kids' from the spankings to the college funds.

S.

These are your "church family" so be honest with them. Say something like this:"I know you have the best intentions but she is 4 yrs old and we really are trying not to treat her any differently than our other three kids. Hey! they seemed to turn out pretty well."

You should be frank with these people. Regardless of the looks. Yeah she had a hard life but if she is going to adjust to life with a loving family she has to adjust 100 percent. Don't let others decide how you love and discipline your children.

By the way, thank you for being a wonderful person by adopting a foster child and for fostering children.

You're not a mean mom, you're a good mom. You don't want her to be spoiled and that's what they are doing. They've lost touch with the fact that there's a difference between being spoiled and being LOVED. If she's been with you for years and you made her a part of your family, then they need to get over the "poor baby" thing - she's not anymore. They're treating her like an alien and not like part of your family. She's not broken, and if she's been with you for a while, depending on her "bio" situation, she hopefully won't have lasting psychological issues from that - and they need to stop contributing to the former disfunction.

You had the strenth to take in a foster kid, to adopt her, and now you have to have the strength to nicely, but firmly, tell people to respect you AND your child and help her to become a strong, capable young girl - not keep her a baby.

Good luck!

I have two, well half-sisters. I never called them that because my dad adopted them before I was born and at a very early age of them being 5 and 2. However my grandmother continually babied them and treated them different because she said they grew up without a Dad...can we say a slap in the face to my dad. It was the cause of continual problems and still causes problems to this day, they feel they are owed something. They couldn't have had two more involved parents but my grandmothers comments and actions were all that they saw. Both grew up rebellious and were and still are in trouble a lot. This situation isn't quite the same but I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

You are not a horrible person for wanting all your children to behave! They are all your children and rules, punishments and praises should be equal all around. If your biological children wouldn't be allowed to get away with it, neither should she. Set those boundries now.

Much Luck!