Share Family Expense with My Husband

L., you're an adult. You need to act like one by first, doing a good job managing money. And second, not allowing your husband to treat you like you are his child instead of his wife.

You work and earn a decent salary. Time to open your own bank account. Pay the joint account half of the household bills. Look at the monthly average you guys spend on groceries. Put half of that into the joint account. The rest stays in your own bank account.

Now here's how you be an adult about your money. Don't spend it. Make your cup of coffee before you leave for work - no Starbucks. Don't splurge on lunch at the job. Don't go out and buy another fancy cell phone. When your husband understands that you aren't going to spend every penny left over from your paycheck, he'll trust you better.

At the same time you are being responsible, no more writing down what all you spend. Tell him you refuse to do it. No more being treated like a child. At the same token, spending more than you have is acting like a child, and you can't be doing that either.

He's not your boss, and he's not your father. You do not have to OBEY him. It's your pay check. Go get the bank account and BE RESPONSIBLE with it. Don't spend $500 a month. Save it instead. You'll feel less stressed and proud of yourself. Who knows - maybe you'll be able to pay for the next vacation!

D.

6 moms found this helpful

I see nothing wrong with having your own account. I think if it will help your marriage, and it sounds like it will help your attitude and feeling about it, therefore helping your marriage... :) You should do it! You can easily set up your check to deposit $500 (or however much you want) into one account and the remainder into another account, possibly your joint account. Or you could just do the whole thing. THis is a big step for your husband so do talk it over with him, and try and attempt compromise but I don't think you're being unreasonable!

4 moms found this helpful

I think your idea of a certain amount of money that you have at your own discretion is an excellent idea. It doesn't sound like you are struggling to make ends meet. Part of that is probably because your husband is so good at managing the finances. Be sure to thank him for that. But, yes, it is good for you to have some money for your own expenses. If you want to get a coffee at Starbucks, or whatever, it can come from your "allowance" -for lack of a better term. With that money, it doesn't matter if you are irresponsible, by his estimation. It is yours to enjoy. I would never recommend a separate bank account. Finances is the #1 contributor to divorce. It's such a toucy subject! You husband sounds a little fearful in the money area, as if he is afraid that it won't be there one day. Money is merely a tool. We tend to give it much higher status than it deserves, elevating it above relationships.

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The answer isn't your own accounts. You are married-yours is his and his is yours. What the answer is is that you each get an allotment each month to spend HOWEVER you please...you don't have to tell him a thing. ITs ridiculous that you should have to worry about every little thing you buy-nobody should live like that. Make this non-negotiable. I would say $200 - $300 per month would be a good amount.

When you approach him about this you need to be matter of fact. This is how it is going to be. Keep all emotion out of it. He is bullying you IMO. Don't let him. If he doesn't want to have your work deduct it from your paycheck and THEN get your own account.

On the other hand it IS good that he has kept such a keen eye on your finances that you have savings and disposable income so make sure to tell him how much you appreciate that.

3 moms found this helpful

I'd like to offer a bit of encouragement. My husband and I have a beautiful relationship. We've been together for almost 20 years and have three children. We both hard working and make a more than comfortable living. And thanks to my husband we will probably never have to worry about our financial future. But here's the thing. We are as opposite as they come on the financial front. I never balance my check book and I could easily spend, spend, spend and he is all about saving and being frugal. This was probably our biggest hurdle in our marriage. For a long time we would battle over it. The best thing we ever did is to set up an account for me alone. Every month we would deposit the agreed upon amount and I could do whatever I wanted with it. Funny thing is i ended up budgeting myself because I knew what I had to spend. If I wanted to buy something special or more expensive then I would save for a few months. Being able to spend without guilt also helped me stay motivated to keep earning. Help your husband to understand that you appreciate his financial values but that you are a bit different than he is. Find a solution that works for BOTH of you. Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

My bil was like this, so controlling over every penny that my sister finally said enough and left him. They reconciled, and now have separate accounts. They split all the bills 50/50, including a food budget. Any others they want they buy with their own money (cloths, ect....) It works for them. I would never let my husband micro manage what I spend (and I do not even have an outside job, I am a stay at home mom)! If we are going to make a big purchase we ask for input from the other, but neither of us tells the other what they can or can not buy.

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As someone who is very tight with money, I can understand where your husband is coming from. He may not deep down trust you if you weren't good before. I would set out a reasonable budget - leave room for the unexpected as it always comes up. And then see what's leftover. Take a small portion of that to start as your "mad money". $500 a month seems like a lot if it's just for you. New clothes? Spa treatments? We're very well off financially but I don't spend that much on myself a month... So maybe that's part of the problem. If it's not for regularly needed items like a haircut every 6 weeks (include that in the budget) maybe start smaller like $100 and let him ease into this. Money is about control not necessarily in a mean way. For me money is security so it's very hard to let go. Likely your husband is the same way. I've learned to let go because we can afford it but it was tough and I have to remind myself. Ask your husband too if there's a savings number he wants to achieve. If you set out a number and a plan, that can help him also relax bc he'll feel more control - over life, not necessarily you.

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Dave Ramsey calls it "blow money" so that each of you have an allowance to do with WHATEVER you want. It is yours. Maybe you could approach it that way, that it is your allowance, that way you can manage it and he doesn't have to worry about it? I wish I had a $500/month allowance! Good for you! :)

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I think this is a situation that isn't uncommon to many couples. Instead of applying labels to either one of you, here's an opportunity for investment:

Go see a marriage counselor who specializes in finance and business. They are out there. Finances and financial disagreements are big-time contributors to divorce. A marriage counselor with a background in financial counseling isn't going to jump to either party's side, but will help to find common ground so that you can both clear the air a little and find a way to talk to each other about this without all the old baggage coming up. Hopefully, this will appeal to both of you. I agree, there needs to be balance between being fiscally attentive and having some discretionary spending money. Personally, I think $500 is a lot of money, but depending on how much you both make, balanced with bills/expenses, etc. it may not be as much for your family, so I can't be the judge of it. But a counselor can help!

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I think you need two bank accounts. Extremely controlling husbands are not the same as regular husbands and what works in one marriage does not work in another. this problem could get worse as he ages.
I'd be worried that his will doesn't give you his money and insurance money, he doesn't think you can handle it so he may give it to someone else

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I agree with you. He is controlling you by taking your independence away. If he doesn't start letting you have some money that is totally yours to spend on whatever you want with no accountability what so ever he is just not nice. I would stop direct deposits and open my own account in a different bank.

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I personally would go nuts...but to each their own. My husband and I have our own checking accounts, and one joint savings. I am an adult and I work hard for my money, if I want to buy a pair of boots or a new pair of jeans I don't want to have to okay that with someone!! Good luck, I hope you two find a solution to your issue.

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Hi L., Finances is one of the major issues that couples argue about, I have been married for 30 years and my husband and i have had our share. One think you have to understand in marriage there is no my money, it's the household money, Now although I think your husband is a little exstreem he's thinking about the future, right now you guys are doing well, that can change in an instant, in 2010 my husband and I made a little over a hundred thousand dollars, my husband lost his job at the end of December and now we are fighting to save our home, When my husband wanted us to budget, and keep track of all our spending, I got deffensive about it, like you are now, I wish I hadn't, Here's another side to look at. J.

Updated

Hi L., Finances is one of the major issues that couples argue about, I have been married for 30 years and my husband and i have had our share. One think you have to understand in marriage there is no my money, it's the household money, Now although I think your husband is a little exstreem he's thinking about the future, right now you guys are doing well, that can change in an instant, in 2010 my husband and I made a little over a hundred thousand dollars, my husband lost his job at the end of December and now we are fighting to save our home, When my husband wanted us to budget, and keep track of all our spending, I got deffensive about it, like you are now, I wish I hadn't, Here's another side to look at. J.

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We have seperate accounts and that works for us, but as you say yourself you don't have a good track record with handling money. I do agree that you should have 'mad' money that you can do whateve with without reporting it. If he thinks $500 a month is too much, then maybe $100 a month to start would be good.

M.

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I beleive that in a marriage there is no "MY money". It's the family's money and the husband and wife should decide how to spend it. However, there is usually one person in the marraige who handles the finances.

However, unless you're on a very strict budget, there's no reason to account for every penny.

My suggestion would be similar to what you proposed in a set amount per time period. I don't know your financial situation, $500 a month seems like a lot. What would you spend the money on? What happens if you don't spend the full $500? I think you need a more detailed plan.

Do you get paid weekly, biweekly, monthly? If it's weekly, determine how much you want per week for mad money. Mad money is not part of your weekly expenses, but money you can spend anyway you want without having to let hubby know about how it was spent (a cup of coffee, a new pair of shoes, lunch out with the girls, etc). Remember if you get $50 a week, so does he.

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Was his parents that way? Did his Dad treat his Mom that way?

You, are entitled to also, have money and an account.
I see nothing wrong with that.
Many people, have accounts that are for gifts/holidays/targeted savings etc. And for just treating oneself.

He has a control issue.
Or he does not trust you.
You are not a child.
But... both Spouses should at least be on the same page, about current and projected financial goals/spending.
There is such a thing as being rational about it. And fair.

For example: for women to cut their hair, it really costs money. MORE than it does for a Man to cut his hair. So, does your Husband tell you NOT to cut your hair or that you cannot go to a Salon? That, is not fair. YOU should be able to spend money for that. Either from your joint account... or from your own.

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Obviously your DH is a control freak. Let your husband know that you are grateful for him handling all the family finances & he has done a wonderful job of making sure the family is financially secure. Let him know you have seen the error of your OLD irresponsible ways, but they are just that 'your old irresponsible ways'.

My approach would be to sit him down & say that you are extremely unhappy & a compromise needs to be made. So tell him that he has 2 days to think of some options & you will think of some options & then you will sit down & hash it out, but you are NOT to leave the table until there has been a deal made.

I personally think that you should set up an envelope/jar system. So make up about 4 jars & label them eg: groceries, family outings, gas, clothing.....every week or biweekly put a certain amount of money in the jars & the receipts go in them too. But you should compromise on the amount that you get to spend and the money doesn't get tracked AT ALL. Since you started high maybe compromise to $300 a month.

If he still puts up a big fight I think counseling is in order. And if he won't agree to counseling then I say you have a couple hundred dollars come out of each paycheck & go into a separate account & the rest goes in the joint account.

1 mom found this helpful

I think he is controlling. You are not his child but his wife. What you proposed is reasonable although $500 does not seem like a "small" amount to me. You make money too, he must spend some on lunch or coffee or just an icecream for the kids. I would be sick of it too. Tell him if he continues to try to control your every move by controlling the purse strings he will have to go through a very expensive divorce, lol! Sorry not really a solution. Maybe write all the pros and cons on a sheet of giving you perhaps $200/month for play money. But also make sure he understands that buying food and things the kids need is not part of your play money. Our rule is that we check with each other before buying large items, anything over $100 or so (not exact) but we both have the same financial goal to pay off the house and save as much as possible. Hubbie spends more on lunches and gas to meet people, I spend more on make-up and the occasional purse (at discount prices). But we sit down together and go over the budget every month (when I do the bills) so that we both know $xx is going to the mortgage and $xx is set aside to pay for car repair, etc. I think it needs to be a joint goal, and he needs to include you in his plans and goals, since I am sure he has the best intentions but he needs to include you in the decision making. And every now and then you just have to let loose and LIVE because planning is fine until it becomes your whole life and it seems like he may be at that point. Perhaps he married you for your exuberance and joy of life like I did with my husband since I am the super frugal one and can forget to enjoy life.

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In our house we keep 4 accts. One is a money market account. That is where our pay checks get deposited and we try very hard to leave some of our pay checks here. The rest gets divided up into our 3 checking accounts:

1.) One for bills (mortgage, insurance, utilities, child care, auto loans, etc.) and predictable shared expense (groceries, Target, family outings, etc.). This is where the biggest chunk goes.

2.) One for me. This is the only money I have for my expenses whatever I decide they might be. This includes gas and oil changes, clothes, lunch, books, hair cuts, make up, happy hour, etc. If I splurge on new shoes and then find I don't have enough to cover a dinner out with girl friends....Then too bad for me. The amount that goes here is usually a bit more than #3 not because I make more (which I do) but because I am the better money manager AND because I cover UNEXPECTED shared expenses.

3.) One for him. I do not get to argue about what he spends his money on. If he wants to spend $10/day on lunch, order UFC pay per view, play poker with the boys, new golf club....Whatever. But I confess, I DO usually get to give him some grief because he spends unwisely every month and I hafta cover it. If that is what your DH is worried about -- Well I can appreciate his stress.

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he's extra controlling and tries to justify it by saying he's responsible and you're not. He isn't responsible, just controlling and insecure. I'd push a little more about having your $500. You should be able to spend money you need or want. He shouldn't assume you're going to hurt the family. Who does he think he is? Who holds him accountable with his spending? I wish you the best. Hang in there & keep talking to him.

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you guys need to sit down and do your budget together- and you BOTH need a say in it- this has to be something where your input is valued and not pushed aside. And you need to have a "blow money" category. for each of you. some "free" money that you don't have to account every penny to him. It could be $20 a week or $500 a month- you two need to see what works best for your budget- but that is all you get until the next month(this is not for groceries or anything the family needs- this would be your fun money for a coffee or a lunch with friends or craft items)
Dave Ramsey has a couple of really good detailed budget forms that you can use or at least look at for some suggestions. Take the financial peace class together- I think it will really help both of you.
Good luck!
~C.

Is he your husband/partner or your supervisor?
Ask him to give you an accounting of everything he spends. If he
says "no", then laugh it off, but don't give him an accounting of
what you spend.
If you can't get him to treat you like an equal, get
help from some one or get out.....

my husband is a "quicken king". He once turned down a "quickie" because he said he was busy doing his quicken (true story). I'm not as good with money and he sees everything the day I buy it and wants to categorize it, so frequently asks what i spent here or there or give me a breakdown of what kinds of things I got at Costco..groceries vs. clothes. vs. household. Its all about the quicken category. I so disagree with Bonnie V that this means he is controlling you to the point that you should leave your relationship. It sounds to me that your husband is not so controlling as much as he loves to account for the money and where it goes. I think a no questions asked stash of cash is a good solution to your dilemma. He will just need to add a new category to his quicken.

My aunt was in this same position and they finally agreed on a certain amount that didnt need to be discussed with a month budget to go along with that. $500 sounds like a lot, but only you know youre financial situation. Start with say $300 and that may sound a lot better to him.

i would divide my money and give him half the rent bills and grocery money and tell him to kiss my hiney it my money if i overspend as long as the kids are taken care of what diffrence does it make :) he is controlling in my opinion

We divide the money between me, who has an amount weekly to spend on the household and him who pays the bills. As long as we can reconcile accurately and are meeting our savings goals, nobody worries how exactly things are spent. I also have a little play money monthly, usually, but right now we are saving for something specific, so my play money is absorbed, but when we acheive our goal I will again have my free money. He is the more rigid one with spending, so when he wants to spend something he comes and asks, but I always say ok bc I a more of a spender. I like having a little of my "own" money bc then I don't have to always ask for some money to go out with a friend etc. I think you guys need to come up with a budget that you both agree on, decide who is in charge of what and how much you can each spend without having to discuss it. Believe it or not, your situation is the norm. One person is the "nerd" where it comes to money and one is the "free-spirit". The nerd, or strict one always thinks they are right bc they think in terms of savings, the free spirit always feels like the nerd always gets on them or can get whatever they think is important. We have been doing Dave Ramsey for about 3 yrs now and it has helped us trememdously to stop fighting about money. Now that we live debt free and have a budget we agree on, the fights are so much less often and intense. I really recommend him. Maybe your monthly figure was too high and he got sticker shock, you could also try approaching him with a smaller number and see what he says. Good luck, money is a pain sometimes!!!

Rather than $500 as a could be anything amount, you should have a budget for groceries, and other things you HAVE to buy or pay for (if you can stay in it, he may not need to ask you for you bills, he can just put in that you paid $XXX each month), and then the mad money amount for yourself. My husband and I used to call it fun money, although we haven't had it in quite a while because of our finances. Make sure that amount will cover whatever you want for the whole year, since some months you may spend less, and some you may spend more (like the birthday months). If he knows the amount of money budgeted each month, he shouldn't need to know every thing you buy, as long as you stay in the budget (the budget you both agree on). Also, to me, $500 is a lot of money. Even when we were making $80k a year, and living super cheap, that is a lot for non necessities (I am a total saver, like your husband). I would never be able to spend that much on things, over saving. Well, I have changed a bit, I would spend that much now, but I would still save up for a large thing I wanted.

Do you know how much you both have in savings, 401k, etc? You should, and since it sounds like you are saving a lot, there should be a good amount in there. Might make you feel differently about how he has done things in the past.