November 28, 2010,
M.K. asks from Warren, MI on July 07, 2008
Sex Talk!!! 10 Years Old to Young?
My 10 year old daughter recently asked me where babies come from, not knowing what to say I changed the direction of the conversation giving very little info. She was kind of satisfied with my answer; enough not to ask again. I am wondering if I should tell her a little more then when you have a husband you can have a baby. She knows they come from the belly and how that kind of works but not the conception part at all. Is it too early to tell her? If it's not too early what do I say? How much is too much? I could use some advice here.
16 moms found this helpful
So What Happened?™
Well after reading all the advice I am thinking that I should have a talk with her. I think I was hoping that I would hear responses saying its too young and 10 is just a baby. lol... I guess I just have to face the fact that my baby isn't a baby anymore. And to all of you who said that the world is different now and sex is talked about and had earlier your right and I would rather her hear it from me then distorted from some kid... thanks to all the wonderful mothers that helped me.
B.E. answers from Houston on July 14, 2008
My mother told me how sex works when I was 7 0r 8. I asked, she explained. I was glad for it to, I didn't have to learn it at school or on the bus. I received the "grown up" explaination. Kids are going to hear about it sooner or later at school....it's better if it comes from you.
1 mom found this helpful
R.S. answers from Detroit on July 07, 2008
My Mom's rule was always to truthfully answer any questions that any of us asked her....she never set us down and told us or "had the talk" we just always knew that when we had questions we could ask....and some of her answers made us ask more questions. My brother is 11 and has ask many questions and my parents answered his questions....I guess I look at it this way: If you dont tell them...someone will...and someone else may give them the wrong or distorted information...children are talking and learning about things much younger now than they used to and like I stated it you dont give them the info they need they will find it elsewhere.
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A.H. answers from New York on July 15, 2008
Hay.. a great book... where do babies come from and the other book is why my body is changing.. When my son asked, he was also 10.. he heard others talking.. and I didn't want him to get the wrong answers from me.. so I went to the book store and bought where do babies come from first... then read it with him.. and asked him to comment or ask questions.. he loved the book... and since we have an open talk about things.. I would rather he get info from me.. and not his friends or the internet...
K.C. answers from San Francisco on July 13, 2008
Hi M. - If you are religious at all (or even if not) there is a great program I did with my girls called Passport 2 Purity - it is put out by Focus on the Family so you could search on their site for it. It includes a workbook and audio CDs that talk about a variety of subjects about sex in a really preteen friendly way. The idea is you take your preteen somewhere for a girls or boys weekend (Dad does it with the boys) and do the exercises and lessons and talk about it all. My daughters were 12 and 10 when I did it with them and they found it to be a fun experience. They talk about modesty and dating as well as the nuts and bolts about sex but in a factual way that wasn't awkward for each of us. There is a Christian perspective but if that doesn't suit you, you could easily leave out those parts or tell what your beliefs are. Anyway just thought I'd toss that out there, it was really a fun getaway for us and we covered a lot of things that now as they are getting older we can refer to - remember when we talked about this? Or remember that lesson? It is great! Good luck!
PS: I want to add that what is so special about this approach is that you are having discussions and experiencing object lessons together, it opens up the communication vs. just giving them a book and seeing if they have questions. Plus it is a really fun time spending one on one time with your emerging teen, it brought us all closer! You end with a little gift representing them growing up, for mine I gave them their baby ring on a gold chain and now my oldest is 14 and wears that to her school dances!
5 moms found this helpful
B.A. answers from San Francisco on July 13, 2008
there is a great public education website for parents called "Parents Speak Up" - it helps parents talk to their preteens (10-13 year olds) about sex and waiting to have sex. Teens say parents are their #1 influence on making decisions about sex - you would rather your daughter hear from you than someone else. Go to http://4parents.gov/talkingtoteen/index.html for helpful info. GOOD LUCK!
4 moms found this helpful
H.S. answers from Los Angeles on July 13, 2008
My son at 4 years of age when we were in the zoo and ended up in front of the bear exhibit when the male bear was on top of the female asked me every question in the book. I came home and told my husband that the 7 year old knew the bears were loving each other...he went on to the giraffes:) but his brother knew everything. It is not too early to answer her questions. Dr. James Dobson has a great book "Preparing for Adolescence" that we used with all our children when they were about 11 years old. If you are open to her, she will continue to have a good relationship with you as she becomes a teen. If you don't answer her questions when she is still open and willing to ask you can hurt your relationship with her so that she will go elsewhere for answers.
Wish you the best.
4 moms found this helpful
J.H. answers from Phoenix on July 13, 2008
Nope! 10 years is not too young. We've been chatting with our now 8-year old son about human sexuality all his life---not sex, but human sexuality. He learned the correct name for his "private parts" just like he would learn the correct name for any other body part. We explained how God designed every part of his body to work a certain way and through the years, we've simply answered questions he's asked when he asked them in terms appropropriate for his age. Stan and Brenna Jones have written a series of children's books to help parents who feel they want this support ~ they also wrote an excellent book for adults as to why it is so important to teach kids all along and not just wait for one exclusive talk. If kids are given adequate answers from their very own parents, they won't go elsewhere for what might be wrong information, bad answers, etc. Also, in the past, young children used to be exposed to "reproductive relations" often when society was agricultural and farm animals mated, gave birth, etc. Few have exposure to this process anymore. Long story; short....after 8 years of explaining things appropriate to his age, our son now understands human reproduction as a miracle from God and that the activity that leads to a baby is for husband and wife who love one another. He knows the different words used--that when I talk to my OB/GYN, we will use the term "intercourse" but mom and dad call it "making love" while some call it "having sex" or maybe some words that shouldn't be used. We also explained that, like most things in this world--food, internet, money, television-- it can be a wonderful thing or it can be misrepresented or practiced in inappropriate ways that can lead to some health problems. And just as food, internet, money, television can be gifts, they can also be used in wrong ways that can lead to problems. We never let a question go unanswered or a feeling he has go unexplained. (Mom, my buns kind of tickle when I see "L" b/c she's just so cute! Son, that's a natural part of your body changing and it's a healthy sign that your body is working the way it should. Daddy's body did the same thing when he was your age) We've used all this as a springboard for talking about resisting temptation (because there will be a lot of it....just like now he's tempted to eat too much ice cream or spend his money on a toy he'll quickly tire of only to want to spend $ on another one), delaying gratification (waiting for marriage) It's also opened up conversations about fertility issues, birth control, and STDs....again, all in age appropriate ways that he understands so he can dialogue about it. He knows he can expect to have active sweat glands in his underarms, to have hair grow in the same places he has seen it on Daddy, etc. It is all very comfortable for us all to talk about b/c we've talked about it from the time he was curious about anything (3 yrs old)and from the standpoint of human sexuality and reproduction as well as from a biblical view...i.e....it is God's design for husband and wife to enjoy this aspect of their marriage...anyway, check out the Jones' books and start chatting and keep chatting with your kids as early as possible in age appropriate ways. Truly, we are so glad that we've handled it the way we have through the years...thank goodness for the prompting I got from a mother who was more experienced (3 grown FINE MEN)She recommended the Jones' book and I jumped on the opportunity to read them. So, if you have a chance to discuss this with wiser, more experienced moms who are happy with the way they handled this with their kid, go for it...we might as well learn from those who've been there and from those who regret not being more open with their kids.
4 moms found this helpful
P.M. answers from Columbus on July 13, 2008
I just joined this website so I'm new but I have to share something with you. When my daughter was 7 a girl in our church got pregnant, not married of course. My daughter asked how was it that Susan was pregnant and didn't have a husband. Like you I gave as little information as possible hoping it would pass. She persisted. Finally, when Susan's baby was born, she asked me "Mama, just EXACTLY how is it that Susan has a baby and doesn't have a husband". I told her I would explain it to her but she would have to give me some time to think about it. Well, I started praying about how I was going to handle this. I was in a Christian bookstore one day and a book almost jumped of the shelf at me. It was entitled "How Babies are Wonderfully Made". It was by Larry Christensen, an author that I was familiar with so I bought it. It has large print for younger children and smaller print for older children so you can use it now and again later when she's older and needs more information. My children are grown now but I have recommended this book to SO many people. Hope with will help you too.
4 moms found this helpful
R.G. answers from Louisville on July 14, 2008
I am a little late to the dance, so to speak, and just read your question and subsequent answers.
You are in a tough spot here. You are uncomfortable about this conversation with your daughter, mostly because it is one of those stages of her growing up and away from you and becoming more of an independent person. (Don't worry. She'll be forty and still leaning on you for comfort and guidance!) If and when you do decide to have 'the talk' with your daughter. Wait until she provides an opportunity to reopen the discussion. If the last question about sex and babies was recent, now would be a good time to sit down with her and say, "Remember when you asked me the other day about where babies come from?"
Ask her is she has talked about it with her friends or heard from anyone else. This will provide you with a good way to gauge just what she knows - or thinks she knows - that did not come from you.
Base your discussion on that information.
Don't be afraid to use anatomical language if you believe she can deal with it.
Encourage her to ask questions during your talk.
Lastly, and most importantly, let her be your guide as to how much to tell or not tell at any given point. Ten year-olds can be curious but not really want all the naked facts, so to speak. If she seems to be getting uncomfortable with the discussion, she's gotten enough.
Ideally, you should have had some form of this discussion when she was much smaller, as apparently you have since you state that she is already aware of some of the process. Build on that. Also, now and in later conversations and to whatever degree the discussion progresses, be sure to instill in her your own belief systems as far as sex and sexuality. Make sure she understands that having sex is more than just two people copulating. And making love is more than satisfying one's immediate desires. Keep her on track of what you believe by repeating, in various ways, the importance of restraint and self-control not just in sex but in all things.
The fact that your daughter came to you and asked you is the best sign in the world. It shows she trusts you enough to talk about what she already knows is a sensitive topic. Good luck!
4 moms found this helpful
M.A. answers from Grand Rapids on July 08, 2008
Age 10 is not too young to start discussing sex and puberty--my youngest daughter had her first period at age 10!!!! If you haven't already discussed puberty with her by now, then please do so in a casual one on one setting. Once you start talking about the changes her body will be making, the reasons why will be easier to share with her. Be very factual and use correct terminology. Allow her to ask questions and let her know you'll always be available to answer them for her. By starting now and having a good relationship, she'll be more likely to come to you as a teenager and share.
Another thing I learned when the kids were younger (I have three teenagers now), was to talk about stuff while we were in the car. We didn't have to be face to face, the radio could still be on so there wouldn't be awkward silence and if there was things I wanted them to know, they couldn't get up and leave. Towards the end of middle school, I also told them what some of the vulgar terms meant. I wanted them to be prepared if they heard those terms used in a locker room etc. They were also asked to stop their friends from using such words.
Sure hope this help!
3 moms found this helpful
H.F. answers from San Francisco on July 13, 2008
I know that you have received a TON of responses, all of which I would second. I just wanted to add a dose of reality to what was said about not being too young to discuss it. I am a fifth grade teacher and this past year one of my 11 year old students got pregnant. It is still to hard for me to talk about, but please do whatever you can to arm her with all the facts she needs to make good choices. Being a teacher I see all too frequently that the world has changed drastically!
Some girls are getting their periods in 3rd grade. Your daughter will be exposed to very street savy kids, so you should definitely be clear about what your beliefs and morals are and help her develop her own!
Thanks for being an involved parent (on behalf of teachers out there)
3 moms found this helpful