Sex After Children

A. - I apologize in advance for this long response but I had the same situation. I think this is very, very normal. It takes a while for your body and your mind to adjust to your new life and new schedule. My husband and I have a 5 year old son. For a long while after he was born I was just too tired mentally and physically to have sex... I didn't want to even think about it and when I did it just seemed like it was one more thing to add to my to-do list! I didn't feel sexy, I didn't have the energy and I remember thinking 'if he even alludes to wanting sex I'm going to have to wring his neck'. I have since learned several things - 1) there is some truth to the old sayings about how differently men and women view sex, physical affection and comforting. 2) there is a big mental adjustment from woman/wife to woman/wife/mother; much more than you ever expect. More on #1 - My husband wanted the physical act, yes, but it was also more meaningful to him than just the physical release. He wanted to feel close to me again (it's hard to find time for a baby and a husband - and you can forget doing anything for yourself for a while) and sex was the main way of him doing that - it was how he knew to express his love. He also felt like he would be doing something for me as well - making me feel good, relaxing me, pampering me with the attention. It was a way to get back to our 'normal' interaction 'before the baby'. A lot of times men see sex as the main way they express their love and care for us. While we are looking for a helper/comforter (helping with dinner while I do the bottles; doing the laundry while I put the baby to sleep; snuggling, nothing that leads to sex, on the sofa after getting the baby to sleep; dealing with a crying baby while I take a hot, hot shower), these are NOT the first things that come to a man's mind - sex does. More on #2 - I thought I was a pretty smart, confident woman before I had our son. My marriage was (is) good, we worked hard and made a good living. We had a lot of future plans and were very excited about them and the baby on the way. Having our baby was a wonderful event and I wouldn't trade it for anything. It is, however, a big adjustment. For a long while I didn't feel as smart, as confident, as attractive, as interesting... wow... it can do a whammy on you if you let it. You find out sometimes that, while you felt pretty centered before baby, after the baby it is just one emotion after another with a lot of floundering in between. The amount of responsibility that comes with being a parent can hit you upside the head and make you question a lot of things you thought you knew the answer to. When my husband and I finally sat down and talked about this it opened up a lot of avenues for us. We realized that we were working toward the same things just not in the ways that were the most helpful and/or the ways we wanted/expected from each other. I had been so uncertain about some things - I didn't want to share my uncertainties (and what I thought might be seen as my misgivings) with my husband. I wanted to appear as strong, as 'in-the-know' as I ever was. It was a good front for a while but you can't keep it up for long. Your emotions start to overflow, you can't seem to rest well, eat well, think well! My husband felt a lot of the same feelings but didn't know how to talk to me about it. He thought I was coping so well! He wanted to help out but didn't really know how and I wasn't asking for his help (for some reason, I thought he should just be able to read my mind and take care of things). Like I said, it is a big adjustment... for everyone. I would suggest that you talk with your husband and be very honest - not to put words in your mouth but here's some things I said to my husband - I'm mentally and physically tired and overwhelmed with the reality of being a mom and I'm trying to adjust as best as I can. I really need your (husband) help with this and I need to know how I can help you. Our life together has changed and we need to work together to successfully adjust. You (the husband) might be feeling the same way and we just haven't realized it about each other. I think that if I felt more like we were partners in this and that you understood more about how I felt then I would be more energetic and interested in getting physically close to you again. Right now, because I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, I feel like your interest in having sex is more like pressure on me to have sex. I know that sex is one big way for you to show your love and care for me - I miss it too - the closeness and the affection and the physical release. Right now, though, your hugs and cuddling, your understanding and help with other things is much more meaningful to me than the sex. Let's sit down and revisit the things about each other that we love and enjoy and how we can get back to those things. Let's talk about our new life and responsibilities now that we have the baby and discuss our expectations of each other. I can't read your mind and you can't read mine so let's talk about it. Can we agree to take the 'sex' aspect out of the picture for a short while so that we can get back to where we were before the baby was born and then be even better? Can we agree that we need 'family time,' 'couple time,' and 'personal' time? Let's discuss and agree on some new priorities. A., this really frank discussion was so important to our marriage. After you have a baby you just can't pick up where you left off... it's not where you 'left' it any more! If you can relate this to him in an honest, non-accusatory way, letting him know you want to be partners in this, you want to be there for him the way he needs you to be and vice versa... I think it will make a big difference. Boy... long, long response. I wouldn't have gone on and on about this but I know from experience that it wasn't just 'sex' and not wanting to have it... there ended up being so much more to the problem. Now, my husband and I are really partners. We don't always think alike (far from it), want the same things (or at the same time) but now we know that we have to verbalize things. We can't read each other's minds and sometimes we have an incorrect perception/assumption and talking about what something means to us is the only way to understand and try to fulfill what we need/want each other to be. Best of luck. C.

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My son is 2 and I still haven't gotten back to my old self. 3 months old? PLEASE!!!! Take him to your Dr and have the Dr explain to him that this is life. Maybe he would be so kind as to do a few night feedings and wash a load or 2 of laundry. Your sleep deprived brain is not ready to focus on sex. Maybe he could just be intamate by holding you a bit. Girl, I understand!!!! It actually takes a year to recover from childbirth and pregnancy. It took 40 weeks to make the baby, it only makes sence that you should recover at the same speed. Things will probably never be a speratic and sensual in the old way, but they'll be better in others. Good Luck

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the sex drive will come back when you start ovulating. This depends on if you are nursing. If it doesn't hurt, I say have sex whether you want to or not.I have come to the conclusion that the dudes just gotta have it. This will also help your relationship in many other ways with your husband, and it will just be that much better when you start to enjoy it again. I found I enjoy it more now that I've had my son, but it did take a while. I continued to have sex before I felt the urge (around 2 months after birth), and my husband appreciated it, and I felt sexier and prettier, even with the baby weight and the circles!Everybody has the need to feel wanted and desired, so faking it with the hubby for a little while won't hurt one bit! It was a nice surprise to find the benefits of sex that are not hormonely motivated!Also, keep lines of communication open, ask him to be patient and understand all that your body is going through and not to pressure you.

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A. P
loveing your big guy means keeping him happy too. i have 5 kids so i had to get back into the sexy mode a couple of times. exercise get a sitter ( a good one) candles and set the mood. the feeling will be there.

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My daughter is 14 months and I have just in the last month gotten my sex drive back. You body has been through the ringer and horomones are crazy. You have 10 months of "crazy" horomones to get back in whack and it seems to me that it should take at least that long for them to get back to "normal". I do agree, however, that ocassionally you do need to "just do it". On the other hand, if it is truly upsetting to you, maybe you should talk to your doctor to make sure it isn't a bigger problem such as post partum (sp?). Hang in there b/c you will get back to your old self eventually.

A.,

There really isn't a precise answer since every womens body is different but to be quite honest what you need to do is be like the Nike commercial and "JUST DO IT". I have a 3 month old little guy myself and i knew it would probably be hard to get into the groove again especially after having a c section. Unfortunately our men don't want to hear us say "NO" especially after they have already waited for quite a while. The fact that he wants it all the time is saying to you that he still is attracted to YOU which is a great thing girl! You cannot forget his needs as men will find this very discouraging and can possibly begin to look elsewhere for the affection they crave. You need to keep your man happy! You might want to get a bit creative on how to get you in the mood. Nevertheless, you need to get back into it and the more you do it...the more you'll want it...trust me! I know :)

Hello A.! My son is 13 months old and I still don't have a sex drive. it just takes time. I would sit down with your husband and explain to him how you feel and maybe this might help you, feel sexy again?! I hope this helps you and everything goes well.

I don't remember when my sex drive came back, and I know every body is different, but your husband needs to learn patience. If your baby is only three months old, I imagine he is constantly feeding, and you probably are not getting a full night's sleep. It's hard to want to have sex when you're exhausted! I would try telling your husband that you want to want to have sex, but it's hard now and would appreciate his support. With that being said, whenever you feel like you can, try to show him you want him to be happy, too. It's rough for everyone, but your husband needs to know that you are normal. Who knows? Maybe you'll get turned on if you see him change a bunch of diapers! :) Good luck!

A.,
My little boy will be 2 in May, and I am just now getting to the point where I want to have sex. IT took me months to have any kind of desire for it. Just tell him to be patient. Good luck.

I had the opposite problem. I had a bigger sex drive when I was pregnant and about 6 mon. after my daughter was born then I had ever had before. I didn't feel sexy and I didn't like the way I looked with out clothes on before during or after the pregnancy. I do not know of any direct advice to you. However you and your husband do need to spend alone time (with out the baby) If you can get a sitter for the two of you to go to dinner or while the baby is asleep. You need to make sure that the two of you talk. express how you feel about yourself and tell him that it may help if he does the little special things to try to make you feel better about yourself. I do not know about your relationship with your husband. If none of this works talk to your doctor and you might want to see a counseler. You also need to take time to yourself. go shopping get a mani or a pedi or something like that. I know you love your baby, but it is hard being a mother of a 3 mon old they are very demanding. Hope this helps

Hi A., I don't really remember when I got my sex drive back. I have a 3 year old and a 15 month old. I do remember just doing it to keep him happy sometimes. You know that is better than fighting all the time right? My body is just now getting semi back to normal with a 15 month old.

One thing you can do is take an omega-3 vitamin to help with depression. It is kind the same when you feel this way. Down on yourself. It really helped me over the last 6 months or so. I am happier and feel better.

hi A. my son is 15 months today and i dont have a sex drive. but i think mine is because of my birth control im on the depo shot and the dr told me it would happen. so i really dont know when it should return.

I have zero sex drive while I am post partum and nursing. There are a lot of happy herbs you can get to help with that! Let me know if you want to know what they are. A lot of the limbo is be making a conscience efforts- and a lot of prayer-! Thankfully my husband has also gained more understanding which is the direct result of his conscience effort and prayer! Anyway, it is totally normal and more women than not go through it! Hang in there mama!...M.

A.,
I have the exact same problem and my child is 2 now. I have been considering asking the OB-GYN about it. I hope someone has the answer!!

New babies always will take a lot out of you. You are tired and feeling overwhelmed and then you have a loving husband who seems that he just wants sex all the time when you are preoccupied with being a mom. Why don't you try this on, ask for a family member or a friend take care of the baby for a short while and spark the romance within you and your husband. It will take some time but look what he is trying to tell you, without telling you. He loves you and still thinks you are as sexy as before the baby and all he wants is you, his wife and mother to his child.

Hi A., I felt I had to respond with the male perspective.
First talk to him let him know that you don't feel sexy and if he responds with a positive comment believe him. Some women believe that they have to be in perfect shape for a man to be attracted to them, well that is kind of true, we are more of a visual animal. I know that after my wife had our baby her body was not the same but I loved her and desired her just as much maybe even more than before.

Also a good trick to get the fire started again, Kiss sounds easy right. I heard this from a sex therapist. Try it could not hurt. You both must have one kiss for 10 seconds a day maybe every morning or every evening. Good luck and congratulations on your new baby.

A., I agree with the responses of 'Just Do It'. That's about the only thing that is going to get you back into the mood! I waited and waited after my son (who is now five) and it took me forever to get interested again. After my daughter (two yrs old) I started working up to the 'act' little by little so that by the time six weeks (the reccomended time to wait after a c-sec) was up he was still happy and I was ready. Try a lot of touching, visual stimuli for him, kissing, ect. You'll find that the more he is aroused the better you'll feel about yourself. Keep in mind that you may not look or feel the same as you did before baby, and you may feel like you aren't attractive anymore, but you are the only woman that your husband is looking at. And HE finds you attractive! Just try teasing him with 'peeks' and you'll realize how attractive he still finds you. Also, if you plan an 'encounter' you'll find that you work yourself up for it. You'll be a lot more ready to put out if you've planned on it instead of getting in bed and having him begging you. Make it a gift to him instead of a 'wifely obligation'. I found that changing my perspective helped to change my mood. Good luck dear! H.

I read somewhere that it takes about a year for your hormones to go back to "normal" after having a baby. I had my daughter in April 2005 and after 6 months sex still hurt because my vagina wasn't back to normal. I also had a hard time self-lubricating so my doctor gave me some estrogen cream, but that turned me off of sex more because I was all "goo-ed up" down there. At times like those, I just grinned and bared it because I love my husband and it wasn't so bad once we were in the groove; just getting there was the hard part. So my advice is just because you feel like a frump doesn't mean your husband sees you like a frump. Do it and get it over with and in time everything will be back to normal. If you just can't have sex, there are other ways of pleasuring him and those work just as well if not better than sex.

Hi A.. Are you breast feeding? I had no sex drive at all until about a month after I stopped breast feeding. I don't know if it was a hormonal thing or a psychological thing, but it was difficult for me the entire time I was breast feeding. If you're not breast feeding, I would maybe wait a couple more months, and if nothing has changed, see a doctor. You could have some kind of hormone embalance that may be corrected with supplements or birth control. Hope this helps!

I think that every woman is different. My husband and I started back having sex 2 weeks after my daughter was born! I think your husband should be sensitive to your feelings, after all, look at what your body has gone through.
A.

Everyone has given good advice but I'll add this... even if you don't feel especially in the mood... give it a try sometimes. I don't mean to totally give yourself over when you just do not want to ... but I find that while I may not be dreaming of a sexy encounter all day, once things get going I do get there (if you go into it without feeling bitter/reluctant). I hope that makes sense. Your husband may have to understand that the fireworks may take some time to come back but that less than five star sex is okay too.

Just give it some time and ask your husband to be patient with you for a little bit longer. If he really loves you he will understand the major change s that you are going through physically, mentally and emotionally. I think it is totally normal to not feel in the mood, especially if you are breast feeding. That just drains you of all energy. I had my first baby at 20, i was more ready for sex while I was pregnant than after. It took a few months but my husband and I didn't use any form of birth contrl and I ended up pregnant right away. My first 2 babies are only 14 months apart, which put a tremendous amount of strain on me physically and mentally as well as emotionally.Just take it slow, let your husband know that you want him and need him and that you love him. Some men get jelous of the new baby and all of the time that the mother spends with the baby. Just don't fret, enjoy motherhood and a word of advice when you do get in the mood again, consider a form of birth control because your body may go into over drive. My doctor said that I was extremly fertile. All the best to you and your new family.

Hi A.,
As a fourth time around mother of five, I totally understand what you are going through. My little girl is 2 1/2 months old and I do actually have a sex drive, NOW! With two of my boys however, it took forever, and even though I did have sex I wasn't interested in it at all! It took about 6 months or longer to get interested again. However, I figured out that my problem was post pardum depression. It tends to sneak up on you and you can fall hard and fast. Even if you don't have all the symptoms but only like 5, definitely talk to someone about it. It also doesn't hurt to do counseling. When you can tell someone about your feelings and what you are thinking, it helps so much. Also, it's nice to have another adult around. I know you don't feel like it, but if you try really hard to have sex with your partner like once a week, this will keep him happy, and he won't be as likely to pressure you. Other people have had great ideas, like the kiss for ten seconds, and the date night. Definitely take advantage of these things. Right now, my hubby is content to cuddle. Of course he had a vasectomy in January too, and although we've had sex only twice since November, we are both content to deal without right now. I hope this helps! Good luck!

take it day by day. It took me a year to really get back into the groove. the lack of sleep, coupled with caring for a new born......takes it all out of you. Talk to your husband. If you have family plan a night out....as in all night at a hotel. Leave the baby with grandma and go find being a couple again fun!!

oh my gosh!! Thank you for asking this question. Now I know I am not the only onw. My daughter is 6 months today and the only part I like about sex is the going to sleep afterwards. And my husband gets frustrated sometimes. But I think some of my problems are my self-image. I mean my body definately looks different now then it did before I got pregnant. And it's weird because my husband loves it and I hate it.!! Good Luck!!

It will take awhile. I guess we as mom's think our bodies/hormones should just jump back to normal as soon as we have our babies, but they don't. I've come to realize it's a process and honestly i've started to believe that things may NEVER be the same as they were before. Your life has just drastically changed in so many ways, and you need time to adjust to that. My daughter is almost 2 and i'll tell you that i'm still not the same that i was before. Especially where sex is concearned. The way i see it is that for us, as mothers, sex isn't really a priority especially at first. We have this new baby that is dependant on us 100% of the time, and sex is the last thing on our minds because of how utterly drained and exhausted we are. Our husbands wanting sex from us is just another "demand" (for lack of a better word) on our bodies and time. I think it'll slowly get better, because i have definately seen a change from the beginning, but as for if it will ever be the same as before, your guess is as good as mine.

that is funny I have tthree 4,2, and 8. If I could get more sleep I believe my drive would come back. Did you have natural or c-section?