J.S. asks from Canton, MI on November 27, 2008
Sex - Canton,MI
My sex drive is gone. I started to lose it after my 3yr old was born, and it is now nonexistent after I had my twin girls that are now 7 weeks old. For pg reasons and then post partum healing, it's been over 2 months since we've had sex. And I don't want to do it at all. My husband was trying to make a move this evening, but all I could do was giggle like a shy virgin. And I was so happy when one of the babies woke up b/c it gave me an excuse to leave and not have sex.
I want to want it, but right now I think if I never have it again I'd be just fine. My husband and my marriage on the other hand would not be.
So my question is, is there anyone else out there that has gone through this, and if so, how did you handle it?
2 moms found this helpful
So What Happened?™
Thanks everyone for all of your advice, it really makes things easier to know that I'm not alone in this. I talked to my hubby and although he doesn't really understand fully, he does get it a little. He has agreed to slow things down a bit on his end, and I've agreed to be more open to the idea of having sex mroe often.
E.W. answers from Detroit on November 30, 2008
I tend to lose it once in a while if we don't have it for a week or so, but once we do it again, then I want it more often. Maybe you should just try it once and see what happens? At least give it a try.
S.S. answers from Detroit on December 01, 2008
I have never given birth, so I can't talk about how that effects your body (we adopted); but, I can help you with libedo if you are interested. My company has a dietary supplement designed to impact that area of health. Let me know if you want the information on it.
Hang in there!
1 mom found this helpful
N.H. answers from Detroit on November 28, 2008
Girl, girl, girl!!!! Been there done that no sex drive thing. First of all, let me explain that I am on this journey WITH YOU. I'm not "out of the woods" to speak. I still have to work it. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. In the meantime, here are some resources that helped me to take some steps forward.
1. My midwife recommended I think about what is at the root of this. If I could get a babysitter and have a romantic weekend away from the kids with an opportunity for wonderful sex, would I wanna go? Girl, when she first asked me this, my answer was no. That's when I knew there were some issues (both personal and relational that needed to be ironed out). At other times, my lack of sex drive was due to exhaustion or being too focused on the kids and running out of steam by the time my husband returned home from work (I'm a stay at home mom too). Sometimes male-female sexual differences also got in the way. His Needs Her Needs (I forget author--Harley?) helped to clarify this. You will notice I will turn you on to lots of books. I was too embarrassed to talk to others about this initially, or I would just hear their struggles too and never get around to what helped to get out of the rut.
I really enjoyed "Is There Really Sex After Kids" by Jill Savage. She keeps it real, gives practical advise. This book helped me to learn how to restore intimacy outside the bedroom (along with Emerson Eggerich's Love and Respect) so I was warmed up to being intimate in the bedroom again.
Simply Romantic Nights by Focus on the Family also gives great ideas and has date cards that you can use to create fun dates. Some envelopes have date ideas which keep your husband needs in mind. The other group of envelopes have date ideas that keep a wive's needs in mind.
Another resource that helped me was Shaunti Felhman's (sp?)book For Women Only. Girl, I wish I read that as a newlywed.
Intimacy Issues is also good. (Pintus and Dillard?) They also have another book with Intimacy in the title.
Girl, keep yourself looking good. Get some clothes that make you feel cute and style your hair in a way that makes you feel cute too. Refuse to let yourself go. We can't muster up a sex drive when we look like a "hot mess!" Girl, lately I ave been fighting the urge to veg out in front of the tv after the kids are in bed and jump in the tub/shower instead to relax and and "wash away the day". That way I'm freshened up and relaxed and more open to romance.
Girl, there is so much I can share if you want to chat more. You can contact me privately if you want.
Lastly, a bit of humor. I begged a friend to watch the kids for me so we could go on a date. I told my girlfriend that we needed to get out to light that spark again. Her reply was, "Girl, I need a spark and a stick of dynomite to get mine going again!) That comment still cracks me up. You are not alone. Pray for strength and the desire to connect with your hubby. Pray for him to do those special things and little somethings that make you feel close and can help "seal the deal" so to speak. I have to constantly pray for our marriage to grow and for us to function "as one" (as a team).
I pray something I wrote helps and encourages you. Hang in there and congrats on your family! You go girl!
1 mom found this helpful
B.B. answers from Detroit on November 29, 2008
Talk to your hubby and be honest... NO, don't tell him you don't WANT to have sex... Tell him that after a woman has a child it takes a bit for your hormones to level out and for you to get interested in that again... It is natural. You are hard wired to want to ignore sex and concentrait on the babys for a while. Hubbys don't like it, but thats what it is.
Tell him that you need to be warmed up more... More making out before the final show. :-) Holding hands, hugs, cuddles, time spent just the 2 of you.
I was the same way after our 3rd was born... at first I thought just grin and bear it... But after I talked to hubby and TOLD him I needed him to slow it down. More fore play, I find that I look forward to the possibility more than I ever did. :-)
If it continues you should mention it to your doctor. There may be a hormonal issue that can be looked into.
Good luck! Light some candles and take a nice romantic long hot bath by yourself.(Unless hubby WANTS to join you) :-) You have to give yourself some TLC too...
C.H. answers from Grand Rapids on November 28, 2008
I know exactly how you feel. I have 3 kids and I have felt the same way, especially since the birth of my third. I work full time, cater to 3 kids, keep up the house, etc. and I'm tired. When the kids go to bed, I know that my husband feels "deprived." I feel like I have someone hanging on me 24/7 and to me, it feels like one more "job/chore" when I really just want to be left alone. I want to sleep or just sit and read or do nothing it all.
It really has nothing to do with how I feel about my husband or marriage. I love him dearly. This sounds horrible, but I do it once a week because it's part of a healthy marriage and I also know that it will buy me another week. Once I am into it, I am fine. It's really getting over the rut of being drained. I can't give you the advice that it will get better, because my drive has not returned and my youngest will be 2 in February. I have talked to several of my girlfriends and they have voiced the same feelings.
The only advice I can give you is to make the time for your husband and sex life because he will start to take it personally. (My husband did anyway.) I explained to him how I felt and he understood to some extent. I really think things will get better when the kids are older and more independent. Right now you are probably recovering hormonally and are worn out, which never help the situation. :)
R.G. answers from Detroit on November 28, 2008
My son is 3 and I feel the same way. However, just grin and bear it or your hubby might not be a happy camper. It will pass.......so I'm told. :)
G.F. answers from Grand Rapids on November 28, 2008
Be as open as possible with him and also talk about any other underlying issues. Just getting yourself pretty and forcing yourself through it will be worse for the long haul! Be upfront with the things you need from him and explain how your hormones have you whacked out too. You are obviously scared about this and you want to want your sex drive back. Let him know this. Explaining it to him before he puts the moves on you is key.
I'm sure with twins in the house it is so much more difficult. Women need to be completely relaxed to get themselves to want to pleasure and be pleasured. Whatever he can do to make that happen is a bonus. And men, like us, want to feel truly loved. Just letting him 'hop on' for a quickie to get it over with will still leave him needing more.
It might be a good thing to see a good counselor to help you through it before it becomes a HUGE obstacle for the both of you. (Just make sure that it's a good counselor that other people have seen RESULTS with! There are alot of good people with good intentions but not good counselors!) I hope that your husband is super understanding and that the two of you can understand each other and grow closer by overcoming this together.
Congrats on your new family and hang in there, girl!
F.W. answers from Detroit on November 28, 2008
7 weeks is short time post-partum,your hormones are not back to normal yet, especially if you are breast-feeding. If that is the case, time will tell. But if there is an underlying issue,that will have to be addressed. have you and hubby discussed birth control? With twins and another one running around, I think most moms would be leary to chance getting pregnant right away, the issue could be something simple like that. It is good that you are addressing this issue now, you don't want to get to the point where you and your husband get out of sync on this. Good luck.
M.W. answers from Kalamazoo on November 28, 2008
This sounds pretty normal for where you are hormonally after having babies! :) Unless there are some other issues that are causing you to flee intimacy from your husband, I'm sure it will come back with no problems.
It sounds like there might be some issues since it started to go away 3 years ago. I would suggest seeing a counselor in a few more weeks, if you still feel the same way, and see if you can get to the bottom of what might be bothering you. Its also possible this is a mild case of post-partum depression.
One thing you might want to do is explain to your husband how you feel, letting him know it isn't that he's failing to arouse you - but that you just don't have any drive and need a little space. See about starting to rebuild your intimacy slowly, things like holding hands, kissing, where it is understood by both of you that sex is not the goal of this touching, so there isn't pressure and disappointment. As you get comfortable enjoying touch from him, I'd imagine fairly soon (days or weeks) you'll be ready to have more intimate touching. If this doesn't work, there might be some other hormonal/chemical/emotional baggage reasons and I'd seek some professional advise.