Sex

There is a good book "What's happening to my body" Book for girls. I have been reading it with my eleven year old. Some of the topics we are skipping at this time. But over all very informative and is a great way to start coversations. CC

Hi N.,

I would recommend purchasing the book "Preparing your daughter for every woman's battle" (http://www.shannonethridge.com/book/preparingyourdaughter...)

** Don't confuse this book with "Every woman's battle" which is for much older girls.

My Pastor's wife recommended this book when I faced the same situation with my 12 year old. The book has a section in the front that is for parents to read and then a second section that you read with or before your daughter. It covers a range of topics in an age appropriate way. I highly recommend it.

R.

Ok... here's what I did. Both girls are grown women now and seem to be well adjusted. I made it very special and no other kids got to be around or in the house. I was going to tell her the secret of life. She had to take a bath in some (Calgon) very special scented bath. I even put flowers in and made it a coming of age thing, an HONOR. When she was done and in a clean nightgown, I did her hair and talked abut how NOW her body belonged to her and it was up to her to protect it and keep it healthy. I could still help, but she was soon going to become a woman and would need to focus clearly on what she wanted to do with her life. I boiled sex down to just a few sentences of clinically correct information and spoke mostly about love, marriage and having babies in the right time of your life within a family. The whole thing was a hour well spent. One of my daughters began menstruating so young that I had to do this for her at age nine!! But I didn't act shocked and so neither was she. Good luck.

My advice is to think of it as an on-going talk. You don't need to tell her everything that's on your mind now. But if she's 11 and you haven't ever brought it up, you need to start ASAP - otherwise she'll be too uncomfortable to talk to you about it. And... I agree w/ Michele, she probably knows quite a bit about it already. I pretty much knew what sex was by 11 - but not from my parents, my friends and I talked about it a loot. Anyway, start ASAP.
I've openly talked with each of the kids since they were around 5 - age appropriate language. When they were young, I referred to it as "making out" and then as time went on and I thought they were getting more mature I would add more details.
I find the best advice it always... Only answer the question they as you. Don't try to stuff in some big long lesson that they need to know. They will sense the "heaviness" about the situation and turn off. If you talk about it openly and act really comfortable, they will be comfortable asking you the questions that they have.
So I find if you want to talk to kids about stuff like that, a good opener is to ask them questions about what people are doing and saying in school.
"Have your teacher shown any sex-ed videos this year - or is that next year?" - act like you don't know what's going on in the classroom - they are likely to tell you better details this way.
"I noticed Susie has changed a lot this year... Are many of your friends wearing bras yet?"
or tell a story - they love this -
"I remember when I was in sixth grade and all the girls used to pretend they didn't have their periods, cause they were all embarrassed. By the time I got to high school, if you didn't have your period - girls acted like there was something wrong w/ you."
Keep it light and fun - just open the conversation - think of it as a new part of your relationship - a new topic to talk about. Be a good listener, and try to refrain from giving too much advice - give important advice here and there, but mostly she'll know how you feel by your reaction and the tone in your voice as you comment or explain things.
Don't worry, you'll do fine, talking is better that not talking no matter what you say.

Truthfully? I was very matter of fact with my daughter. It would have been uncomfortable for her if I'd made a big deal of it, so I took opportunities as they arose to discuss sex, how to be safe, what to expect, etc. I found that if I paid attention, the opportunities were everywhere. We live in such an oversexed society that our kids are constantly innundated by sexual content. I just tried to leave the emotion out of it. This approach worked for my daughter (she's nineteen) but I think all kids are different and will respond to different approaches. My eleven year old daughter is very curious and wants to have conversations about the science of it all (I'm a nursing student...we talk biology a lot). She's much less interested in the actual love part. Bottom line is that I tried to be very literal and non-reactive about it. I want my girls to feel comfortable asking me (and telling me) anything. I have found that with my older daughter who is sexually active and has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for the last two years that this openness has fostered a great relationship where we can discuss almost anything. Good luck to you.

I started by reading some books to my daughter. It was probably before 5th grade becasue I wanted to open the subject to her before she got it from school. I think the first book we read was "The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls" from the AmericanGirl Library. (americangirl.com). It talks more about the changes that are taking place in her body than sex. I can't remember what book we read next to talk more about sex.

I think before my daughter started 6th grade we read out loud in the car on a family trip the book "Queenbees and Wanabees".
That opened up a lot of conversations around relationships and sex.

How did you talk to your son about sex?

C.

I have a 13 year old who is an honors student and plays a sport. If your daughter has in public school, and you allowed her to do the family life program they offer, she probably already knows what you think you want to tell her. Your Job Now is to make sure she realizes her worth is not dependant on a "boy's" view of her.
When you feel the need to talk to her - just do it! Tell her what a great future she could have with education, college or a tech school. Tell her it's worth it to wait until marriage. Think about finding a Church with a youth group she and your family ca attend. Hope this helps.
Patti

Wow....5'7?? My daughter is almost 11 and she's 5'4 and 100 pounds....I thought that was tall!!
Anyways......I had to start talking to my kids about sex when they were 7 because that's when I got pregnant with my youngest. Of course, at 7, I didn't go into details, but I wasn't going to lie to them like my parents did to me....I just didn't feel comfortable with that (altought I realize that's everyone's personal choice). I just gave them a brief rundown of "when a man nd woman love eachother, etc, etc". At that age, they don't take in much, and didn't ask many questions, so I left it at that.
11 years old of course is different. I am lucky that with my kid's school (I have a son too, my daughter's twin) they have "family life" in the middle of the 5th grade. We as parents go watch the film our children will be viewing, and we get a packet of the topics that will be discussed. That gives a good foundation for me to start with.
As far as talking to her personally as a parent (which was very important to me), it's definitely harder. Number one, because she gets EXTREMELY embarassed talking about it (my son, who's her same age, does not). Since she knows already about the basics of sex and puberty (through the classes at school), I am mostly concerned with the social aspect of sex, and how this will affect her in a couple years when she's off to middle school (scary).
I told her that I'd like her to wait to have sex.....I haven't put an age on it, and I dont' say "wait till you're married".....this is what my parents told me, and I had sex at 15.
Having said that.....I also tell her how important it is to wait until you are of an age where you are "ready". We talked pregnancy....that there are NO guarantees that birthcontrol is going to be full proof, and that raising a baby at 16 would be hard. One of my things is that I am adopted....and I have some very big issues with that. I'm not going to go into it, but for some very personal reasons, I talk to my kids in depth about how if an unexpected pregnancy happens, I will be the one (helping them) raising the child. We talk about how this is not ideal, and how life is easier if there is a general "order" to things: highschool, college, career, marriage, children. Of course, I am certainly not saying one can't have a happy life if it doesn't go in that order (mine certainly doesn't!), but I explained that by doing things in that order make for an easier life (I want things to be better for her that it was for me)
We also talk about "what boys want"....and this is something that was never brought up to me as a kid. That boys have things they are going to say to you in order to get what they want (and I explain it in a more hormonal way). Boys have hormones that are telling them their body wants something, and girls' minds and bodies are not ready for that yet.
Of course in the middle of all of this, she gets really embarassed. I try not to push it, and I bring it up at a later date.
Sorry this is so wordy....basically at least once per week I try to gently bring up something or other. In fact, the other day, we were watching TV and one of those "tell your kids to wait to have sex, they'll listen" came on. So I turned to her and I said "ok, I want you to wait to have sex". she got mad at me for embarrassing her again but oh well!! ("gosh mom stop it!!!!!")
My main goal for her is to wait to have sex until she is with someone who I know is with her for the long haul and loves her. whether she marries him or not is not my concern. Honestly, I don't know how I feel about her having sex on her wedding night....for some reason, for me personally, I don't want that for her. But that's up to her, mostly as long as she stays active in her sports, keeps up her academics, and respects her body enough to wait for the right person, that's what I want.
I'm certainly not going to be one of those parents handing her birthcontrol pills and condoms...but if the time came that I felt she going to take that route...I want to be with her. I do not want what happend to my (birth)mother happening to her. As mentioned above, me being adopted has opened up lots of discussions about how unexpected pregnancy affects MANY people's lives. And that the choice to have sex isn't just about YOU. If something happens, you have to be prepared for the choices that need to be made, and how that affects a number of differnt people, often times for many years to come.
I hope this helped. I know it was long, and i had a few personal things that probably don't apply to you, but at least you have some kind of idea how I am dealing with it. I know it's hard.....sometimes I just wonder what happend to my little baby:)
Good luck.
T.

Hi N.!

I wonder where your daughter is schooling; in a catholic shool, we usually give bible lessons where children can ask questions about their own sexuality. I'd like to refer you to Genesis chapter 2 verses 18 -21 - about the creation of man and woman; in this way they are able to see sex as God's gift that has to be regarded as sacred. This is the most basic thing a child must know.

God bless,

sr.Luz R.

N.,
I bought a book that had detailed pictures for the kids to look at. They asked what I was talking about, they did not
understand unless the saw them. They had a lot of questions, and since we are visual learners mostly, it helped a lot. I waited until the end of the week, and did it on a quiet friday night, so if they had questions they thought of later, I could answer them, and they asked me several that weekend and it continued for about 2 weeks or so. Now they mostly just pertain to their cycles. I know they would ask, because the door has been left open. SO,
I hope this helps...I know it gave them a pretty clear picture...I picked the book up at Barnes and Nobles or Borders, one of the two stores.
W.

My daughter is now almost 16. Every time a question came up about a body part, or what others have said, I took the opportunity to discuss sex related topics with her, in adult terms. One day, she asked me what the name of her body part was and I said Vagina, and she laughed and said it sounded Chinese. Make talking about sexuality fun. Answer ALL questions as honestly as possible. I told my daughter that having sex with someone, was giving them a piece of her soul and she should know that person very well and for a long time and then it would be beautiful. You can't keep them from having sex, and ignorance will only lead to bad choices. Kids really want answers but are afraid to ask, or don't even know what to ask. Don't be afraid to go into details about what a boy may ask her to do and what the different names of those things are so she is educated. She may be too young for some of this but starting early and letting her know you will talk to her like an adult about adult issues and not belittle her and you build a trust between you. I talk to my daughter about EVERYTHING. Some stuff I'd rather not hear about, but I always listen and try not to judge. She needs to know how important she is and have high self esteem. It's NOT just a sex talk, it's much more. It's the beginning of a new relationship. Good luck, and start slow, and she'll start asking you questions.

Good Morning,

First let me tell you about me, I am 48 yrs old, I have been married for 31 yrs. We have a 29 yr old son, 25 and 17 yr old daughters, our 2 oldest are married and we are grandparents of 3 and one on the way.

The way we delt with your question, was to be very honest and forthright, including information on HIV, Herpes, etc.... We used plain and simple terms, along with medical ones that my daughters and son could understand. We talked about the male and female anatomy pretty early on (7 yrs and up).

Sex was never a taboo in our household, it was just another important part of life that needed to be respected. Our children were told at a fairly young age (12 or so) "that there was so much more to sex than just the physical act of it. The emotional feelings of giving your body to another was very overwhelming for an adult let alone a teenager or even a young adult." This was not to say that sex was a "bad" thing, just very intense and not for the young who were not ready to understand all that came with it yet. We told them "that if/when they ever needed or wanted to ask any questions or just talk about any decision they might be thinking or making, to please come to us first so we could talk and sort things out, that we would be there for them with no judgements". Basically we gave our children the nessesary infomation to make safe choices within their lives, we told them what we felt was "right and wrong" and prayed for the best, that they would make the right choices.

We have been very lucky, our children took our advice and have made safe and sane decisions regarding there sex lives and lives in general. The oldests were married before they had children of their own an our 17 yr. old is still a virgin.

Just remember there is no "perfect" way to explain sex to your children, one of the biggest and hardest things is not to seem too judgmental. You sound like a concerned and loving parent, just be honest, explain details (better they hear if from you, than their peers), tell them what you expect from them a long the way, and all will hopefully work out.

I sincerely hope that my story has helped you in some way, if you have any qustions, please don't hesitate to ask.

A.L.

Hi N.-

I have 3 daughters, 1 son, ages 17 to 6. What has worked for me is to be very open about all matters relating to the body. I usually started by answering questions about where babies come from at around age 8 - keeping it very biological and factual - using all proper names, and in addition to explain this is how all mammals conceive and give birth (how kittens and puppies are born, for example). At around age 10 or 11, all that biological talk gets infused with my value system and beliefs - and I don't save everything for a big 'talk' - it is an ongoing dialogue that comes up around everyday situations. And continues to come up for years. Your daughter probably already knows about sex - and that is a place to start - ask your daughter casually what she knows about it. Ask her if she has any questions for you - let her know your value system and why you have it.
I use 'what if' questions with my kids a lot - to get them to think about situations before they happen - 'What if you are at a party and..(fill in the blank)....' - what would you do? What is the right thing to do? Why?

My biggest advice is to not keep that subject in the closet - keep an open, honest dialogue - that it's comfortable talking about anytime - and your daughter will feel comfortable bringing issues up to you to talk about - don't overreact or get upset at anything she asks or says - but do keep your rules, and do let your daughter know your expectations. It does make a difference-!

Good luck!!

My daughter was much younger when she started asking questions, but I don't think that matters. If she asks something, answer that question only....truthfully, but simply. If that answer brings another question, do the same, etc. Sometimes, they need to roll each answer around in their minds for a bit, a day, but the next question will come when they are ready. Most importantly, just be sure she knows that she can ask anything and you'll give her a truthful answer. Once she asks you a question, it's a good idea to ask, "What have you heard about this already?" Sometimes, they've heard stuff at school and they are curious about it. Many times what they hear is WAY OFF so all you have to do is get the facts to them.

I hate to say this, but your daughter probably already knows more than you want to think she does. I have an 11-yr girl as well and we started talking about sex when she was 7...she brought it up. I told her then that sex is a way for a husband and wife to show their love to eachother. A few weeks later she wanted to know more so I told her that God made men and women so they would fit perfectly together. That is why we have different p****** p****. The man's p****** p*** fits perfectly into the woman's p****** p*** and that happens so they can have babies to love. Of course, this simplistic explanation is suitable for a 7-yr not an 11-yr old. So, if we were talking in person, my question for you would be this: How open is your daughter with you about other issues like her feelings, drinking, drugs, her relationships with her peers? If you have an open communication line you could probably just ask her how much she knows already. She may say she knows nothing (even if she does) out of embarrassment. You could just tell her that you want to let her know the real deal so when other kids are talking about it at school she won't feel stupid. I know that for my daughter, if she thinks I can give her information that will in any way make her feel like she knows what she's talking about at school, she is all ears. I have always told her along the way that if she gets too embarrassed while I am explaining, to let me know and I will stop talking and then she can ask me specific questions as she wants to. This has worked very well for us. If you would like to continue this conversation with me you can write me back. I would love to talk more as I have questions about boys. I am divorced and don't have anyone to explain what happens to boys during their puberty since I have never experience it. Any advice you have for me would be welcome. Good luck and let me know how it goes.
M.

I don't know if you are close enough, but there is a great program called Heart to Heart at Lucille Packard Children's Hospital for girls and moms talking about going through puberty and all that comes with it. I finally talked my husband into going with our 11 year old son. My husband said it was great! This might be an easy way to start the conversations that must come.

S.

Well first you may want to get a book, I heard there is a great one. I believe it is called the Period Book, everything you want to know but are afraid to ask. I think what is most important are the physiological changes as well as what your body does. They from there you can go into the emotional aspects. Here is the site for the book: http://www.amazon.com/Period-Book-Everything-Dont-Want/dp...

You want to be sure that it is your values that you are passing on in an informative but not necessarily over judgemental way. Make sure she knows that you are there for her. You can tell her in a very general way your experiences with boys and such. Let her ask questions, but only answer them as needed, you do not have an obligation to tell her all of your experiences, but you do have an obligation to prepare her for the inevitabilities of boys. My daughter comes and asks me questions all the time, about what to do about boys and such. She knows our beliefs and so far she seems to be going in the right path. Good Luck!!

You mean the subject has not come up yet??

I would guess she's begun to hear snippets from friends; it's important to establish an open dialogue with you on the subject. When my daughter was in preschool, I attended a special meeting for co-op parents and listened to what a professional trained in development/psychology/parenting had to say on the subject (there were A LOT of parents in this session!). She said be really open, make sure the subject is not veiled in mystery and taboo. Answer questions openly and with as little squeamishness as possible, always emphasizing that sex is something you do only with someone you care about very much. She said in her own family, she left a book on the coffee table to telegraph that it was a healthy thing, not dirty etc. She said kids will ask questions in ways that do not require you to go into intimate detail necessarily, but answering them will provide them with the amount of information they are ready to hear/absorb.

I found this very helpful in the experience with my daughter (now 13). Long ago she began asking questions. I answered with the facts, but let her indicate to me that she wanted to hear more. As she must have heard info at school over the years, she has felt comfortable telling me what she has heard, and asking me questions as they have occurred to her. Her questions have required more complex answers... I think the last one was who was the first person I had sex with... but I feel like she has great respect for herself while having very natural curiousities. And with all the ads showing up on TV these days, I think it is impossible not to be peppered with requests to know what all the euphemisms mean... ED, erectile dysfunction, etc, etc, etc.

Whatever you do, it's probably better for her to get her information from you, even if it is more information than you would like her to have at that age. I hope this has been helpful!

Broach the subject with her and then let her guide the conversation. In other words, if she continues to ask questions, then that means she is engaged and ready to handle the topic. If, after a few minutes of discussion, she changes the subject or seems uninterested, then stop, and broach the subject again when she is ready. This is one topic where kids will show you the signs so you know how much they can handle...you just have to pay attention for the signs and don't overdo it.

Take it little by little....and great job by the way for wanting to talk to her about it!! You are one of the great moms!

Hi N.!

Sheez! They grow up SOOOO fast, don't they?

My son is 11 and is in the 5th grade. I know, as school routine, that the teachers have a lesson that introduces things like this. I would ask her teacher when she plans on that lesson happening, so you can be prepared. Then go from there. It's probably better to make sure she's aware of her period first, and all of it's "happenings". But again, the school introduces it.

With our daughter, now 22, she approached ME on the whole topic, which was great because I knew she was ready for SOME information (and which area occupied her mind). I was scared to death, though!!! Like you, I didn't want to give too much info at first. So, I basically started with her period, and explained why she has it, so when she's an adult and married, she would have the opportunity to have a baby of her own. I wanted her to know that her period related to "a baby" because I wanted her to be "leary" of sex. I'm not sure if it was right, but I that's how I did it :o) She still hasn't had a baby, just "loser boyfriends" :o)

That's all the experience I have for you. I hope that helps in some way.

Good Luck!

:o) N.

I have only had these conversations with my son, but you want to give them as much information as they are willing to hear...she will send nonverbal and possibly verbal cues if you give her too much info. It is good to start healthy discussions early so that she will come to you with questions in the future. They hear so much junk from friends that is not true. It is great that you are taking this step towards open, honest communication with her on this subject that we find so hard to discuss with our children!

If I were you, I would start by buying her some books on the subject. You probably need to read them first and then ask her about them if she does not come to you with questions. This is the best way to break the ice. In another post that I read, the following books were suggested for girls: The Care and Keeping of You by Valorie Schaffer & Norm Bendell, The Period Book by Karen Gravelle & Debbie Palen, The Feelings Book by Norm Bendell (deals with hormone changes and emotions), It's a Girl Thing by Mavis Jukes, Girl Talk by Carol Weston and What Smart Teenagers Know About Dating, Relationships and Sex by Deborah Hatchell.

I took note of them because I have a 3 year old daughter and I feel like you since I have two older boys. I don't know how age appropriate these books are for an 11 year old, you'll have to check them out...

Good Luck!

Keep it simple and only provide as much information as she wants to know. Let her know that she can always ask questions and you will try to be as open as possible. Finish each conversation asking if she has any more questions. Don't go into too much detail. I have done the talk with 3 of my children when they asked questions and only gave them what they wanted to know. Try to be relaxed and not sqeamish. Do it in private without distractions. Good luck.

I am a mom of 4 children ages 14, 10, 7 and 4.

HI N.-

Get this book it's easy for her to read and the two of you to talk about. My now 14 year old got it when she was 11 and it was a great source of information and helped us both be comfortable talking about sex and everything taht goes along with it.
Mollu

The Care & Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls (American Girl Library) (Paperback)
by Valorie Schaefer (Author), Norm Bendell (Illustrator) "With your body on the brink of some pretty big changes, it's time to start taking control of your health and well-being..."

I'm 19, so I went through this, it's up to you whether to take my advice or not. I learned from classes and life, that it's a good idea to try to get your child to tell you what they know, and if they have any questions. Honestly, most of it I learned in junior high and highschool sex ed classes. I don't really think you need to be rushing it if she isn't into boys yet, I minor talk that just covers a few things couldn't hurt, but I wouldn't go covering the whole subject yet. But I definitely wish my mom had made me feel more comfortable about talking about it, I think it's super important to make sure your kids feel free to come ask you any questions and you won't freak out or embarass them. Hope it helps, sorry I haven't had to do it myself but I thought I'd help with what I did know.

I have a 10 year old daughter. My husband and I sat down and had a long talk with her about sex...it was great and I'm glad we did it. We told her the basics, then elaberated more from there...I think it depends on how mature your daughter is as to how much information they can take in at once. You might think about doing it in "sessions" so it's not so much at one time. I think it is very important to answer ALL of their questions, because if they don't ask you - they'll ask someone at school, and God knows the mis-information they get there. Better to hear it from you. We are Christians and we also told her what God made sex to be and how it has become perverse in our society. We felt it was good to balance what she is hearing from us and what the pull of society is doing. Kids are having sex at very early ages and I believe that it is best to give them right information so they don't engage in it out of being curious and being mis-informed by their friends.

Just be open and try not to be embaressed. I have a 16 year old daughter and a 5 year old. Watch shows that your daughter watches with her. Talk to her about whats happening. Ask how she fells about it and then tell her how you feel. Let her know that she can tell you anything. that even if you do get mad you will help her in anyway. I found that the content of tv shows helped me with my daughter. And even though she has had her first serous boyfreind for 6 months now. I know i can trust her. I also have the fact that i myself was a teenage mom and how hard that is. Use feel life. I hope this helps.

I found it easy to buy a few books on the subject that were at an appropriate level (and maybe a bit beyond). I gave them to my daughter after reading them myself and then I could ask her if she had any specific questions about any of the topics. I also found that using current news or talk show events were a great opening to talk about very uncomfortable subjects. "I was watching Oprah this afternoon, and they had some people on talking about teen issues..... Is this something that you've heard about? Have friends who are involved, etc

if you start out asking them what they know already and dont look freaked out then you will know how deep of a conversation to go into. this will only work if you have had an open relationship the whole time.

I would love to be included on your responses as well! I have a daughter that will be 10 in July and a son who just turned 18. Anxious to know how to go about explaining sex and her monthly visitor as well.

thanks in advance!
D.

Dear N.,

There are a variety of books out there that can be helpful to get started on feeling more prepared. One is What is happening to my Body Book for Girls (Madaras). Unfortunately, most books are geared toward the facts without helping the parent prepare him or her self. Remember that you can have many conversations and being nervous or embarrassed is normal. I tried to just make the topic one like any other that could be discussed. I am a sex educator/resesarcher/therapist and have three daughters -20, 21, and 23. Remember to talk about feelings, love, crushes, and your own values about sexuality and intimacy, as well as the facts and how to protect oneself from harm. Mnay parents forgot to talk about the positive parts. you don't mention a partner, but talking to a partner about values and attitudes first can sometimes be helpful. Hope this was helpful.

CHeers,

L.

Lucille Packard Children's Hospital has a two session puberty education class for Mom's and daughters called "Heart to Heart".
It is a good jumping off point and will open up possible discussions for you two. Girls get to ask questions confidentially at each class. If you've already had talks about changing bodies/menstruation it may be too redundant, but my then 10 year old , who already had a lot of knowledge, loved the class. One thing they didn't cover was why in the world would people want to have sex. They didn't talk about the pleasure involved, but I didn't ask the question when I could have. But it was a great class.I couldn't recommend it more highly.

Hi there,
I too have young daughters that I have comunicated with about this subject. I beleive that you need to keep the line of comunication open. I would only share simple information and ask her if she has any questions. Let her know that you are there for her if she wants to talk at a different time because she may need to process the info that you have shared. Also I feel it is very important to let her know she is very valuable and so she needs to act like that as well. Make it a point that she know she needs to expect respect from herself, her friends and boys.
Good luck to you. It sounds like you are doing well because you are seeking advice to better your child,
GO MOM!

I know the schools teach them about it too. I have 3 boys so I have no idea to talk to girls. I know they discuss it from the ages of 9 through 6th grade. I am not sure how things are elsewhere, just where Im at.

Hi. I have a 12 year old daughter who is not yet "matured". She weighs about 65 pounds. Most of her friends are 100 pounds and developed. I can see what you mean about boys being interested. My daughter is not interested too much....I do tell her about guys...that they will try what they can to have a "fun time". I am completely honest with her. My parents didn't talk to me so I always thought that the boys were truely interested in me. My daughter is very embarrassed. She turns her head and puts her hands on her ears. She doesn't even want to talk about menstuation. Get a few books and make sure she understands the facts(disease and pregnancy). Every parent's philosophy is different. I told my daughter that she can be open w/me when the time comes and that I will help her with any issues she may have. I realize that this will all happen too quickly for all of us. I wish us the best for having happy, informed and saavy young women. Oh...and I always talk to the girls about self defense. It has been shown that women who struggle/yell get away easier from men. Hope I didn't overload your mind!!!!

I have a couple of books that might be helpful. For your daughter there is The Care and Keeping of You - it's a body book for girls by American Girl. Also Are You There Got? It's Me Margaret by Judy Blume. I read this when I was a girl and it is a story about going through puberty. Fun to read and relatively frank. It was written almost 40 years ago so it's not explicit. Lastly, is a book for you called Everything you Never Wanted your kids to Know about Sex by Justin Richardson. This is a how-to-talk-about-sex-with-your-kids book. I'm assuming that you've already had the basic birds and bees conversation and now want to talk about interacting with boys and respecting your body, etc - that's the hard talk because you don't want to get too explicit yet you want to give enough information. Good-luck.

Hi N.,
Our oldest is 12 going on 20. She is 5'2", 106pds. and very aware of how attractive she is and that the boys look at her.
We started talking about sex when our public school's started introducing small increments to them in 5th grade. Now that she is in 7th and our son is in 6th we have talked a great deal about sex. Our Youth Pastor felt led to broach the subject and teach about sex for a month long series. This has helped us to have very meaningful conversations. Your daughter will let you know when you've told her more than she can handle. Both our older two have and do say "okay mom I get it, can we talk about something else?" I also have them read articles I come across that I feel are at their level of understanding and straightforward. I believe there are a lot of issues going on during these youngs girls lives. Socially, they are trying to identify who they are and how they fit in. Their hormones have kicked in, and I believe physiologically they are more developed than past generations. I was still playing with Barbie dolls in the 6th grade! However, I went to a normal elementary school up to sixth grade. I feel middle school starting in 6th grade robs our children of a year of youth but that is another topic!

If the school she attends has already introduced some type of family life curriculum, perhaps start by discussing that information and ask her if she has any other questions.

The Lord bless,
T.

Dear N....as a mom it can get tricky! I am a mom of four and each is unique! My advice is that you start with her and what is going to start happening with her body and gradually as time and these conversations begin to occur more often, move over to boys and eventually discuss girls and boys together. I would start slowly with fun ideas about the outside and gradually work my way toward what is happening on the inside. You can talk about clothes and earings, etc. and gradually move into bustlines and high heels, or something along that line. Your daughter picks up her cues from you and if you are natural and relaxed, she will be as well. It should be fun! Best wishes.

Hi N.,

I have two daughter, ages 14 and 9. There are three main areas that I address with them in regards to sexuality. I start by explaining the biology (menstruation, anatomy, conception, pregnancy), from there we go to health and responsibility (STD's, teen pregnancy, emotional well being), and that transitions into a two way dialog addressing questions about feelings, valuing yourself, accepting yourself, assertiveness, courage, and being true to your own path and intuition in life.
I'm still somewhere in the middle of this scenario with my 9 year old. She's very bright, curious, and is developing earlier than my older daughter so I could see it was time, plus she was asking me the important questions.
We've always been very open about the role sexuality plays in our development. We stress our commonalities and the value of this aspect of human experience. I am very honest and I use the correct terms for everything. They need to know the truth so that they can make wise choices and feel empowered with the facts.
Logistically, I wouldn't corner them and force all this info on them. Wait until you feel their curious and receptive, and even then, pick your times wisely. It's a lot of information and they could be overwhelmed if you present it to them all at once. I usually initiate it as casually as possible and see if they're ready to talk about it. If not, I try again in a couple days. The most important thing is that you establish and maintain open communication with your kids about EVERYTHING so that they see you as a solid resource for accurate information on whatever they're dealing with in their lives.
Best to you!
T.

As a 5th grade teacher I've taught sex ed to hundreds of 10-11 year old boys and girls over the years. The curriculum starts with the male & female anatomy and their functions. We also discuss menstruation and feminine products. Next we explain fertilization and pregnancy. There is also a question box so kids can write their question down anonymously and we take time to answer them. The questions usually are about things they have heard older kids/adults say (i.e. what's a hard-on?).

The kids are usually very quiet during the lessons, but very interested. We ask that the parents discuss their own beliefs (morals & values) with their own child. In the classroom we are strictly about the science of reproduction.

Hope this helps.

Has she asked yet? My daughter started asking at 9. I bought the books It's Not The Stork (simplest), It's so Amazing (2nd) and It's Perfectly Normal (very detailed). They are very well done and cover every aspect. I think at least she has to be warned about her hormonal changes on the way. Good luck, I know it's a tough one. Seems like having the books to read together made it easier for me. Take care, C.