Setting Limits for Teenage Lovers....HELP!!!!

I have a 21 yr old and a 17 yr old so I know a scoash (little, small amount, tad) about teen sexual behavior, etc.

One thing that holds true in my house and always had, they may be having sex "no matter what", but it's not my job to make it easy for them.

So although opposite sex was allowed in their rooms, the door were always open, only when I was home and I checked on them regularly.

My FIRST job is to parent, not to make life easy or accomodating. I didn't and don't want my young adults to have sex in the back of a car, but if you want that kind of responsibility, then please move out so that you can have your own set of ideals. I too armed my kids with all the information I could pack into their brains, but I also have a responsibility to them to not give them a reason to think that sex is something "everyone does" and that there aren't consequences.

But I'm lucky tho. I had an oops pregnancy that pretty much made me the poster child for abstinence in my house. I mean, I am the safety girl who practices what she preaches...if it can happen to me, it can happen to them so, they are very careful...but then again...I am not giving them a room/house/green light/opportunity to have sex either.

I was watching a preacher speak on the angst of teens and sex, etc. Something he said rang true to me without being "preachy" and it was this: Its all about where you park your car..." If you're out in the afternoon and you're at a park there's not so much of the pressure/anxiety of having sex, etc. Park in the dark, and well...you get the idea. I kinda follow that rule with the kids...it is truly all about where you park...

Kudos to you for being open and honest about sex, etc with your daughter. Open communication and trust is a key in being an effective parent and I applaud you.

The most embarrassed my son ever got around his friends was Prom night when I said...love you...have fun...be safe...use a condom. lol

Hey, I try and never miss an opportunity to educate.

Sending good thoughts your way...

Mamamegan,
I think you are doing a great job! You have let your daughter know that you don't want her to have sex, but you have been realistic and respectful of her. I'm not in your shoes and things can change on a dime, but what I'd say is......don't make it easy for her to have sex. Keep the door open and keep it clear that your home is not open for teenage sex. I understand your concerns about being in a safe place, but it doesn't sound like your daughter has made a clear decision to have sex. Now that you've given her help she still hasn't jumped in. So take the opportunities to let her know you still want her to wait.......one way to do that is keep that door open in the designated teen room.

As far as the parents of the boy. That's tricky. How well do you know them? Any idea how they will react? If you do decide to speak to them then I would be upfront with your daughter first so that she doesn't think you went behind her back. Or tell your daughter and the boy together. Tell them you know this is their ultimate decision but that they are still under age and you don't want them to have sex. You feel you need to speak to his parents about it because of their age, and you are giving him the opportunity to talk to them first, but you will be calling them ......on wednesday (for example).

They will probably go ballistic. You can listen to the argument politely, but let them know you will still have to make that call.

I am not in your situation, but I think that you and your daughter seem to have an open relationship. If they are going to be doing things, it doesn't mean they have the right to do it whenever and where ever. They still need to be respectful to your house and your rules. I wouldn't change your rules because they may or may not be having sex. Even if you change your rules, they are still going to find other places to go. I think that you still need to keep the communication lines open with your daughter. Don't forget about the emotional changes that will happen in their relationship. It may become very intense (too intense for 16/17 year olds too handle). I'm not sure what advice to give about the boyfriend's parents. I am not in your shoes yet, but I have a son. If he was my child, I would want to know. I think it is his responsibility to tell his parents, especially since they haven't actually done anything yet.

I'd find activities/jobs to keep them both very busy and not have too much free time together. They are old enough to be working and earning some money. Fast food places and stores need stock people, cashiers, etc. They need time for their school work and activities, too. Keep them thinking about their plans for the future - collage, careers, marriage, etc and what they can do to work towards their goals. Sure they can see each other, but make sure their time is very structured. When the hormones start raging, it's time to keep them too exhausted to act on them.

Its seems you have done a lot right. Making sure she is protected is a good move. I did not allow my daughter to get to involved at that age. Yes I was one of those moms. Her love was horses so she was to busy. But my son fell in love in high school, she was 16 and he was 17, they were ga ga over each other. I did not allow make out sessions. However I did come home from a early Hockey game and they were in bed together. I made her come out and sit on the couch and told them on no uncertain terms are they to be alone in any room. I was not ready to be a Nana yet. I know her mother would not like what was going on.
So I guess it all up to what your comfortable with and what you except in your own home. I was told I am old fashion, I don't get it, I do not know what it feels like to be in love young.......hahahahaa. OK!!!
They ended up broken up and my son off to College. So who knows what may happen. I just wouldn't make them feel comfortable enough to think they can have sex in your home. I would be dong a lot of walk ins on them.
I mean once he is off to College.......its more like a candy store of different girls.

Why do people think teens having sex is " going to happen no matter what"???
It's not, I know several girls that didn't have sex as teens , I myself didn't.
Just make sure she's got enough respect for herself to wait. And that this boy isn't pressuring her into it. I had a boy break up with me because I wouldn't have sex with him. And no I would not allow sex in my house. I wouldn't have him over at our house if I wasn't home. That's a general rule at our house, no one is allowed over at our house when we aren't home, not just boys , but no one,never know what might happen.
Please stress to her that these " birth control" methods aren't 100% that the only 100% guaranteed way to not get pregnant is to not have sex. I know more than one woman that got pregnant while on birth control and using condoms.

Believe it or not there is no guarantee they will have sex. The reality could be too much. My mother was like you. I have known and dated my husband sense we were 13, She always said IF we were to have sex, she wanted us to be protected. We did not have sex till we were way older and married at 20.

It kind of took the fun out of it in a way, thinking we were being so typical that my mom allowed me on birth control and my husbands parents gave him condoms. Instead they were surprised to learn that we waited till we were of legal age to have sex. (my FIL still does not believe it).

I still think you should continue to treat the TV room as it is, a family room. They will have to figure out the rest. I did not like kissing in front of my mom, so we did not do that in her home. We kissed on the porch. We also did not kiss and make out around friends. I just always felt that was a private situation. I certainly would not have made out with any chance any of my family or his were to come across us!
I am assuming neither will your daughter.

First, I recommend purchasing the book "And the Bride Wore White" for you daughter.

Second, do not change the "rules." Keep the tv room as is and that is where they are allowed to be. By making it "easier" on them, it WILL encourage them to have sex sooner than later. It is truly best to encourage her to wait till marriage. My parents kept pretty strict rules for me but the boyfriend I had as a teen still took advantage of me in ways...... I wish they would have been even stricter so I wouldn't have been put in that position.

Good luck.

I feel your pain :) My 2 oldest girls are now 22 and 20, and I still haven't forgotten these tough choices that we as parents have to make (and still do - my next daughter in line just turned 13).

I agree with you 100% - making sure that she has protection is more important than trying to make sure that she isn't having sex and keeping the lines of communication open are vital to helping her through this difficult time of choices. We, as parents, must realize our limits - we can't stop them from having sex, we can only arm them with as much knowledge as possible.

For me, my rules were that the girls were never allowed to be home alone or in a room alone long enough to have sex. I realize that they could have sex anywhere, but it wasn't going to be under my roof. Boys were always welcome for dinner, family movies, even vacations, but they could never be alone together. Curfews were enforced (even at 18, it was midnight), and they were always responsible for telling me where they were and who they were with. My opinion was always - I'm not trying to stop them from having sex, but I am not going to condone it in any way.

As far as the boy's parents, I wouldn't talk to them, I would talk to the boy directly. Explain what the rules are and why. Be open and honest about your fears and concerns. I sat down with each of the girls' boyfriends (they each have only had one - one relationship is going on 5 years and one on 4 years) with the girls and had a very serious converation regarding sex, protection, pregnancy, my feelings, etc. I did it in a respectful way that showed them that I cared about the situation but also that I respected their feelings for each other.

Did my girls end up having sex? Yep - I would be a fool to believe that they have been with their boyfriends that long and are still waiting :) However, neither of the girls are pregnant and both are very happy in their relationships. Isn't that what we are really hoping for as parents? Our children's true happiness?

Good luck!

I do not have any adivce because my oldest is 7. I do know that when I was a teen, I did not talk to my mom about this stuff, not because it was a taboo subject or because she made me feel like it was BAD, but just because I was nervous. That is AMAZING that your daughter felt she could come to you. I LOVE the idea of having an open room for them to be in. My sister and I both had our first babies at 20. I would not recommend that to ANYONE. It was VERY hard to do that while going to college and working. So I think you have done awesome to get her on birth control and teach her all about safe sex...while at the same time telling her to wait. Both of my sisters have HPV, and I'm pretty sure it comes from too many partners for them. I have only had 2, so I'm okay with that. But I just wanted to say GOOD FOR YOU!! I tell my daughter she can't date until she is 30.

Wow. I don't even know how to respond. I have a teenage son older than your daughter and my feeling is, good for you for helping your daughter protect herself since she has confided in you. I also have a daughter who is a little younger than yours and unfortunately for her, there will be "double standards" in my house. My son was allowed to have girls in his room with the door open and people passing by frequently. We have taught him to respect women and the consequences of his potential actions. I am aware that he has had protected sex, but it will not happen in my house because I do not approve of it happening at their ages and it's my house. That is just a matter of respect for his parents in my opinion.
When my daughter is old enough to have boys over, they will be in the living room, not her bedroom (she is at the end of the hall). It is a parents job to protect their daughters and I will do that to the best of my ability, by not allowing her much opportunity and by keeping the lines of communication open. I don't know what I'll do if I find myself in your situation. I would probably do the same as you and help her protect herself, but I would also make my opinions on the matter VERY clear and then I will pray that she makes the right decision. We have discussed these things for a couple years already, so my opinions (always calmly stated with solid reasons to back them up) will come as no surprise. So far, she has decided that she doesn't really want a boyfriend right now because they are too much trouble and she is too busy with athletics to worry about that anyway (thank God!). As far as telling his parents, I would want to know, but I agree with the poster who said that it may compromise your trust with your daughter. I would encourage HIM to tell them, because they should be encouraging him on that end to respect your daughter and hopefully convince him that waiting is the best option. If your daughter were to get pregnant, it will affect ALL of your lives, not just yours and your daughters. I wish you the very best of luck!

I hear ya! My husband and I waited till our wedding night(Aug 2009) to have sex. We both felt it was a great way of expressing ourselves and sex is God's gift to newlyweds.

With that said, I would keep the doors of communication open with your daughter, be open to listen to her, and respond with loving care, and without judgement.

Here's the thing...if his parents knew your daughter and their son was having sex and didnt tell you, wouldn't you be furious? Although, this is a tricky one because it's so different with boys and sex (double standard, I know). I think that I would tell your daughter to encourage the boyfriend to talk to his parents or sit down with the bf yourself and encourage him to talk to his parents. Let them know that having sex is something that mature and responsible people do and that talking to his parents would be the mature and responsible thing to do. But, you cannot force him to tell them.

As far as the teen room goes, just check in on them periodically. I constantly check on my daughter in the family room when she has her boyfriend over and she is 18. Hopefully, they won't try to have sex while
you are at home. Teenagers are creative and will find a way to have sex! Good luck!!!

I don't have your situation but I know I will because I have an almost 16 yr old.

The only thing I would strongly suggest is to not talk to his parents. Your daughter has confided in you and if you do this, she may feel betrayed.

I have a very open communication relationship with my daughter and it sounds like you do as well. It is so important. I would not feel comfortable sharing information she shared with me. I hope this young man can find a way to talk to his mom or dad.

Good luck.

I thik its GREAT that she felt comfortable enough to come to you. HUGE HUGE HUGE in my opinion!!! You did something very right :)
I am a little torn though myself, you don't necessarily want to give her a greenlight to go and have sex, but if it's in their head that they want to do this, they will. But WHERE? I would talk with her again, and let her know that sex is not just a physical thing, it's so emotional. Especially for girls. It's also a HUGE responsibility. And needs to be handled with a great deal of maturity. I would tell her that if she is mature enough to have sex, she needs to be mature enough to find an acceptable place to do so, but not in YOUR home. (or in a car, someone elses home etc) Maybe she'll be puzzled and think, well there's no where for us to do this then. EXACTLY LOL. It may work, it may not. I have a 15 yr old boy, and luckily he hasn't shown much interest in girls (yay) But I wouldnt condone it in my home either. It's MY house, and I will not support anyone's sex life in it! Except mine of course ha ha!
As far as his parents go, thats their responsibilty to be taking care of him. You've done your part with your daughter.

Mom, you are a good mom to help your daughter take precautions but I would call the boy's parents for sure today. Why would you not do this, they need to be fully aware as you are, I would not be concerned about breeching confidence of your daugther. Tell her of your plans to call them., Then I'd sit down with your husband and daughter and have a serious discussion, I woud include the boy if his parents agree. Tell them that an unexpected teenage pregnancy will affect her and the boy for the rest of their lives. It will destroy many of the goals they in the future, like college, not to mention it will bring an innocent child into the world. In this conversation I would ask them both if pregnancy happened to them now, how they would they fully support a baby and family for the rest of the child's life? If there is a support group of any type for unwed teen Moms, or an alternative school for them in your area that you can take her to vist or tour, she and he need to see the true picture of what may happen. Teen pregnancy has just happened to a neighbor friend of mine's 20 yr old son and older teenage girlfriend, both parents are devastated, both were living at home still. Teen girl was been kicked out of her home by parents and friend's son is still living at home. He and she planned to start college this fal, but no longer. Friend' s son has a job, but making very little and no insurance for the girl. What a very sad way to bring a child into the world , so un prepared, its not fair for the baby. GIve her and him wake up call about teen pregnancy and encourage them to wait if this is possible. Good luck.

No I wouldn't tell his parents, but I would invite them over to dinner, coffee or desert and get some conversation going. I would also start including them on a somewhat regular basis. I think the more communication lines you have open the better.

I have three teenage daughters (2 are nineteen- I have a foster) and one is a senior and I have a 15 year old son. I have kept very open communication and have had a home that my husband and I purposely designed to be the house to hang out at. We invite our kids friends and boyfirends over to play cards, go camping, have dinner or desert all the time. The kids know they are welcome and they respect the house rules. I think you have to let the kids know what it is that you expect. Just because they are teens does not mean they don't need boundries. Believe it or not, my oldest thanks me for that on a regular basis. I think it is great that you have given her the information she needs to be somewhat safe (No protection can guarantee 100%), but what does he know? Get to know him; and in all liklihood, he will choose the higher road when he knows you care about both him and your daughter.

I was a sexually active teen, but I now know that my activity was because of a lot of insecurities. Had I had a lot more support, solid boundries that come from self respect (which it sounds like your daughter has plenty of!)and more knowledge, I am pretty sure I would have waited. Having sex at that time in my life was way too much too soon and caused problems for me in relationships for a lonnnnng time.

Man, I'm NOT looking forward to parenting teenagers. :(

I hear your argument, and I get it. Although in reality, it has been some time since I was a 16 year old girl, it doesn't seem that long ago, and I vividly remember what we did at that age, so I applaud you for your REALISTIC view on this subject.

That really is a quandary.

I have to assume, having been approached by your daughter about her sexual feelings, and her being armed with birth control pills and condoms, it's only a matter of time before she engages in it. Realistically. You seem to have a really open line of communication with her, have you asked her what her thoughts were about when? And where? I'd be curious about her thoughts or feelings on it. Boy, the more I think about this, the tougher it is... On one hand, like you said, if they're going to do it, which it sounds like they plan to, they'll find a place. We always did. My senior year, we spent every weekend evening at my bf's grandparent's house, in their basement family room. The grandparents were always in bed when we even got there (8 or 9 pm?) and they NEVER even so much as opened the basement door. Total privacy. Kids find a way. But I totally get that you don't want to say, hey, feel free to shag in the family room.

Honestly, I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. I think it's a tiny bit hypocritical to get her all geared up with b/c and condoms, then say 'but not in my house.' But I feel for you, not wanting to actually know it IS going on in your house. And NO, not EVERY teen has sex, but MANY DO. And with your daughter's admission of sexual feelings, and with the protection already in place, I think it's very wise of you to be thinking as you are, that in your daughter's case, it is likely. And as a teen, I was running every day with activities, cheerleading for every sport, dance classes, school activities, jobs, etc. But was NEVER too exhausted to find the time...

Sorry I didn't have any advice to offer, but just wanted to let you know that I do sympathize with you! I am looking forward to reading your responses...

Best Wishes!!

I don't usually answer these but I can see that you need support. I think you have already answered your own question. The best thing is to give them their privacy in your own home. As awkward as it will be (drink a big glass of wine when they visit!) You are a free-thinking mom and you're able to provide this safe place for them. Your daughter is already on birth control so where they are when they express this part of their relationship is a moot point by now. I think I would not tell the other parents, but I would gently encourage my daughter to encourage the boyfriend to do so (in other words, I wouldn't talk to him directly). This is a tough one but just think, 100 years ago they would have already been married with a child by now. Hang in there.