Separation/Divorce - Fort Washington,PA

I was facing a divorce, but I was the one taking the lead, so when I decided I was willing to wait 6 months to make my choice and go to counseling my husband jumped at the opportunity. It saved us. You could suggest this route, but you can not control whether or not he will be game for it, or how hard he is willing to try if he is game for counseling. It will only work if you are both committed to it 100%.

When we were dividing the home to prepare for the kids and I to move out we told the children that even thought Mommy and Daddy love each other, and will always always love them, that sometimes some Mommies and Daddies just can not live together. They seemed to accept that, but it was h*** o* them, and I will admit the effects it was having on them was a big part of the reason I agreed to even attempt to fix things.

Best of luck, and stay strong.

Mom,

I am sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry that it sounds like your husband is not committed to the marriage.

STRONGLY suggest counseling. It seems you might be caught up in keeping up with the Jones' and not putting your marriage first or making your marriage a priority - which is what causes the fights...

Do you two have date nights?
Do you do anything for each other?

Your common ground? Your children.

You both need to stop and think before you talk. What is the purpose of the fight? Is it making a mountain out of a mole hill because you both feel neglected?? So yelling and fighting with each other is giving you both attention - just not the right, loving attention you both need.

I'm not saying you don't fight. We all have problems. It's a matter of how you deal with them. Figure out WHY you don't feel the same towards him as you did all those years ago when you married him. Is it because you are not communicating with each other? I know when my husband and I fight? It's because we've lost touch with each other...17 years of marriage...you get in to a groove...a routine and you just take it for granted that the other will be there...you forget they need attention too....

Please understand I'm NOT blaming you for the distress in your marriage. But you must accept 50% responsibility in the marriage. Divorce really isn't on the table for my husband and I. It means you aren't committed...your vows were "better or worse" not eh..it's tough...

How does separation work? With kids? You need to file for custody and child support. You need to be honest with your kids and tell them that this is NOT about them...remind them that you both will still love them...then make arrangements to co-parent and shuttle them back and forth...the kids become chess pieces...sorry - to be rude - but it's hard. My daughter is now an adult. Her father and I divorced when she was 9. It was making arrangements to meet, hand her off to the other parent, ensuring she got everything she needed...it was really h*** o* her. I hope you and your husband think long and hard about the kids before you separate or divorce...

I would ask my husband what happened to the vows he made...and ask him if he's really committed to our marriage. If so, then divorce isn't an option. The grass is NOT greener on the other side...you just can't see the brown spots right now...and no, I am not saying he's cheating...some people think that separation or divorce will solve their problems - it won't. You are still tied to this person - you have kids together - unless he's going to give up parental rights...you are going to have to work together to be parents...so why not commit to your marriage and make it work!!?? It's not always wine and roses...

Sorry for the length...I wish you much luck and support....life isn't always easy...

Speaking as someone who has been married since 1989 and separated due to deployments? I can tell you marriage isn't easy. I posted before about the 7 year itch. Tyler and I did NOT have children at that point. But it was still hard.

After kids and deployments? We had fights when Tyler came back. It was an adjustment for all of us, we had developed our own schedule and routine while he was gone and Tyler had been a war zone. Anxiety, stress, all of it. Made for tense fights and times.

What worked for us? We committed ourselves to making our marriage our priority. Even when he was deployed, we would Skype after the kids went to bed, yes, it would be early in the morning for him, but it was a commitment we made to each other. Or depending upon Tyler's schedule, I would wake up very early and Skype with him. The point is, we realized that in order to keep our marriage together, we needed to have time together, even when we were apart. Tyler needed to know what was going on in our world, and we just needed to talk.

Have we had counseling? Yes. Did it work? Yes. We have counseling recently because our oldest son was making bad decisions and we needed to wrap our arms around the problem and fix it. We go as a family. We used to go every week. Now we go once a month. It's a great way to have a neutral place to discuss things that are bothering us and even after 25 years of marriage, learn to say things so the other can understand.

You need counseling for you. You should not be crumbling inside. That just breaks my heart. Marriage is hard work. There are people who make it look easy. But you don't see what happens behind closed doors. This is the hard part. You will find out what your marriage is made of.

It is very disappointing to hear that your husband is so willing to give up. Is he not committed to the marriage? Does he believe that if he separates from you that life will magically change and be sunshine and roses? Wake up call!! It won't be. If anything, it will be more hectic and you will be forced to communicate with each other even more with kids school schedules, functions, sports, scouts, or whatever else your family does.

Tell your husband to pull his head out of his rear end. No ultimatums. But tell him he made vows, just as you did, and you plan to keep and honor them. If he can't do that? You need to know now. But he owes you a fighting chance to keep your marriage and family together. If he is hitting you or pushing you? Then I am going to say counseling probably won't help. He would need anger management help. Some men aren't willing to do that.

My next step would be to go to counseling and try it for six months before he gives up.

Good luck!

He wants to part ways before giving it 100% effort? I can't imagine that and I'm sorry he feels it is so easy to walk away from the life he created.

I felt like I owed it to my kids to give my marriage every ounce of effort I had. It worked. My husband and I did counseling twice and the second time it really clicked for us. We learned how to communicate there and it saved our marriage. We have had so few fights in the last two years because of it.

Counseling doesn't mean your marriage will be saved, but you all will be better equipped to deal with it and help your children in the process. So I say you all try it one more time, give it your all, and see where you end up.

Your kids are still young, I think you don't need to tell them anything until you all decide what t do. They see/hear the fighting, so they know things aren't great. But at 3 and 6, they probably (sadly) think it's normal. I'd wait to tell them anything until a decision is made. No use in breaking their world apart if it isn't going to actually happen.

Went through something similar. Someone recommended the book the love dare, and the movie fireproof. Both have a religious foundation, both are good books for improving relationships, even if you aren't particularly religious. Even if you find yourself separating or divorcing, reading the book/ watching the movie would be a worthwhile exercise. It examines what love is, how to love, what our motivations are in loving, where the rewards lie, what we can control and what is beyond our control, how to diffuse tough situations, how to find room for yourself, room for your spouse, room for your kids.

Best,
F. B.

So sorry you are going through this.

Before you talk to the kids (regardless of age but certainly when they are this little), I think it would help to get counseling. That can be with the goal of reconciling/working out differences, the goal of separating, or the goal of just trying to figure it out. So I'd suggest that you get some help working out your differences even if it doesn't mean you will stay together.

It's really important that both spouses have clarity about their wishes and expectations, and that both be prepared to co-parent the children with a unified approach. The "separate lives under one roof" approach recommended by another poster is extremely unusual and very difficult to manage. Staying together for this kids sounds like a good plan until it's implemented. I do think that kids can blame themselves, but I disagree with Gamma G that they automatically make the next step to go to church and pray and blame God. I think that's a big leap that may apply in certain families but is not a definitive norm.

I do think that separation and possible divorce need to be undertaken with as much planning as the wedding and marriage. There are different ways to do it, and that depends on your philosophy, reasons, finances, personalities, family support (or lack thereof), and much more.

You need good legal advice about how to handle finances, division of assets, child support, visitation/custody and a lot more. Mediation is cheaper than 2 separate lawyers if both parties are committed to working together. This an include temporary agreements or court orders during a trial separation, or be a blueprint for permanent orders in the event of a divorce.

What stands out to me is that you and your husband need to talk more, and with an objective facilitator. Once you get yourselves figured out, THEN you talk to the kids. If your husband is determined to end things, then at least get him to go to counseling to work on how to tell the kids in the best possible way to keep them feeling secure and loved. One thing parents do is often tell them too much, beyond their expectations, and they show 2 different sides of the situation rather than agreeing on one position that they will present together to the kids. The kids do better if the parents are calm and appear to be in agreement about a separation. They do poorly if one parent says "I don't know why Daddy (or Mommy) is doing this."

Good luck. Please take the time to do this right.

Common ground? Your kids? Your home? The reasons you married each other over 8 years ago?

I'd surely try everything available to me before I put my children through a divorce.

Counseling might be a good idea. Again.
I don't think you can go to counseling and then "be done" after a rough patch. The changes you make have to be lived and respected every day, right?
Encourage your husband to think long and hard about the effects of divorce.
Good luck to you!

It sounds like he can be very controlling and knows the anxiety abandonment can bring to you You brought up solutions,he brought up parting ways. Not good. Do not give him this power. Do not tell your children anything yet.Neither of you is totally there, and he's putting out bait to get his own way. You've ridden out other storms, surprise him and behave differently.Relax.Let him buy the bowling ball or whatever you are fighting about. What is it that is so important that one can't give in? And take care of you. See a counselor by yourself.Enjoy other people and other things for awhile. Listen to these other caring adults who are suggesting movies to watch (Fireproof is wonderful ) and ways to deal with this. Sounds like 'no common ground' means no one wants to give in EVER. And sorry, marriage is about compromise very frequently. Not who is always right. And forgiving, forgiving and forgiving some more. Good luck to you! but this is really a bad time to make any decisions (around the holidays). In fact perhaps there is a bit of holiday depression going on here. Think about it.

I agree with the suggestions of more counseling. And it's possible your husband said this out of frustration etc vs he really is throwing in the towel. He may not really have thought this through. You mention both working hard to have a beautiful home. Is that maybe part of the problem? All work and no play? Ages 3 and 6 are still tough and if you both work outside the home or he works long hours, it's easy to get disconnected. Date nights really are the first recommendation of every marriage counselor. If he's not abusive or a real jerk, I'm sure this can be worked out. Draw him the picture of every other weekend alone with the kids, potentially a step dad etc. Likely he will decide it's worth working on. Good luck. Keep us posted. My husband and I can battle too and sometimes it seems so bleak bc I am so mad and then next day it's all totally fine.

Both have to put the work in in order to salvage a marriage. If he wants a separation and will work through it, I would give him a time out. If he wants a complete separation that's a whole other problem. Maybe some space is all you need, but I would continue to meet up for counseling.

Divorce is most harmful to children. Your children are very young, but impressionable. If he wants a divorce and is not able to commit to working through it, then I would hold him responsible for everything. House, lawyers, child support, alimony. Everything. He also will need to talk with your children and let them know he is leaving, and will need to follow through on what his plans are as far as joint custody.

Your children will need counseling throughout all of this. I cannot stress that enough. They already are going through so much having to be in the same house while you and your husband argue and have blow up fights. It's such a toxic environment.

I So Sorry You And Your DH are going through this. I have a question for you: do you and your husband have regular date nights? To me this holds a marriage together under the pressure of modern parenting with a two career household.

I hope you guys will be able to regain your love for each other and save your marriage. Hugs!