22 answers

Sensitivity to Telling Mom She Can't Stay Home Alone Anymore

Mom is 82 and slipping in memory...she has recently been recommended to benefit from "assisted living". I DON'T need ideas on how to keep her in her own home. We have exhausted ourselves providing company of ourselves which include her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, life-support lines, meals, cleaning and shopping, medical appointments, writing her bills, etc. In-home-health or assisted living is the next best thing...but it won't come without breaking my heart and her's. Please don't suggest she come live with one of us...she did when the hurricane displaced her and she was miserable. I need suggestions how to be kind, but firm that she needs help...more than we can provide with her medical needs at this time of her life. She has CHF and COPD and is down to 70 + lbs. She has a nurse coming weekly and physical therapists, and occupational therapists, too. What do you say?? thank you for listening...G., too

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you all for so kindly responding. All of you have had some input that I have been trying
to take in consideration. I called my mom just now to touch base and see if she'd eaten and
taken her meds, and a nurse was there to do another evaluation. We talked about how she'd had
a bad day yesterday (forgot her meds after taking them out of her pill box to take and not put-
ting up a homecooked meal in the fridge) even though she'd had several visitors. I particularly
liked addressing her fears and hopes. If she has a relatively long time at this stage in her
health--maybe going to an assisted living facility would be best. But, if moving her would be
more upsetting and add to her demise, why bother? I'll give an update after I talk to this
nurse. Thank you all again, G.

Featured Answers

Perhaps if you put together a couple of different options and present them as choices for her, she won't feel like she's completely lost control. She is lucky to have you looking out for her.

1 mom found this helpful

TO ya'll,,,
Have the DR. tell her he can do a much better job then anyone ,,,because noone wants to be there but they have activitys hair-do days lots of lil extras. BUT please find a nice clean home ,,,,some are really bad smell knock you down so do research visits homes near you.
Good Luck L.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

I don't know cost on the assisted living homes but my neighbors parents moved into one that they loved. They still had their own apartment but there were nurses on staff and there were actually different levels of care from doing everything yourself all the way up to those who couldn't take care of themselves at all. There were a lot of activities, they could plant their own garden and I beleive all meals were included. She can still have the assistance without feeling like she is being cared for. I can find out what home it was but I know depending on how much help they needed determined what section they lived in.

2 moms found this helpful

My heart goes out to you because this is a very tough issue to deal with. It sounds as if you have exhausted all possibilities, and you know that in your heart. I think you have arrived at the place that says it's time to make a tough decision. You will need to gather info on all available options-openings, cost, services, etc. Some assisted living will only take people who are 100% independent. Once you gather data from all the options then you and siblings need to sit down and decide together, and then you need to tell mom, with love that it is a decision based on a quality of life issue. I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know-I am just trying to reassure you that although this will be tough you can get through it, and it is the right thing to do. Strong but loving, this action will NOT be a reflection of how anyone feels about G.-it is with loving kindness that you want her to be as well cared for as possible and for her to have a good quality of life. You are not giving up on her and you are not abandoning her-you are simply making a change in living arrangements. You will be there to support her and encourage her and visit with her-but she has to be healthy and comfortable enough to enjoy life.

2 moms found this helpful

There are several things to consider. How many children does she have, are they all involved in helping to care for her and do all agree that she needs to go into assisted living? If not, those who say no should be put in charge for awhile. Secondly, has she ever signed over to anyone a Power of Attorney to handle her affairs? This is the first step. She needs to assign that to someone while she is still in fairly good memory health. If she is not agreeable to this, explain to her that when she does become incapacitated or dies, the state will take over, and she certainly doesn't want that to happen. If all the children agree that she must go to assisted living, then you have to show her you are all unified and have found a facility nearby so that you can visit often. I've never seen it fail that once someone gets settled in they love it because there's always someone to visit with. She'll cry and you'll cry, but you will both get over it. If she's getting forgetful, she could burn the house down trying to cook (my mother ruined a complete set of pans by leaving them on the stove cooking and forgot about them). It's a hard decision that people have to make every day, and I've never heard of an easy way to to it short of a doctor telling her she has no choice, and you won't find one who will do that. GOOD LUCK

2 moms found this helpful

you could try hospice. they come sit with her 8 hours a day usually. I feel for you I went through it with my father he had copd and it was not good. he was on oxygen, it came to the point he couldn't be here with us and a nursing home was set up. was not what he wanted but i had small children in the home and it was the end and i could not bare to have a child find him gone one morning. he understood that. Also he did not want us to change his diapers-so it left him with some dignity in the end.
If she has alot of time left or unknown-ask the dr to give her appetite pills- they work it helps them to be hungry,and she may gain some weight. God be with you. I spent 8 hours a day at the nurseing home he was afraid to be alone and did not want to pass by him self. With one sister and the help of hospice and myself he was able to cope with not being at home.
I'm sure she is scared- as my father was. If you have a paster (or such) they may be able to help.
Bless your family and my prayers go out to you.
V.

2 moms found this helpful

You just answered your own question. You--with all the love-- tell her you are not able to provide the help she needs for her health issues. You will be there always and you love her and this is the best option for everybody. My Mom was 68 lbs when she died. She had COPD, renal failure and conjestive heart failure and has all the agencies coming in to take care of her. I lived down the street and could go there several times a day and we had a lady come in daily for 5 hours that washed and cooked breakfast & lunch. I told her I loved her more than anything and we would have to make some changes soon. My wonderful Lord would answer my prayers and took her home before I had to make the change. The elderly have a fear of being alone.

Remember the role reverses you become the parent and they become like children. Pray for patience and enjoy every moment you have with her and yes your heart will break when she is gone.

Blessings---

2 moms found this helpful

First off, all the love in the world to you and your family for doing as much as you have already. Second, use the resources of her treatment team. If you do not feel that you can handle this conversation alone, have some of the therapists and/or nurses have the discussion with her. Also, use the resources of the assisted living place.

You said that she has recently been recommended, by whom? That person may be an excellent resource to explain to her why this is a necessary change at this time. However, depending on her mental status, she just may not be able to truly understand.

I do like the idea of asking about her fears that was suggested below. I would also add to ask about her hopes. What would she like in a facility? When we had to move my grandfather, he had some very specific things that he wanted in his life, so we found a place that could accommodate those desires. But, we had to make it very clear to him that staying alone in his house just wasn't an option any more.

It's ok to be both strong and vulnerable, it's all because you love her. If you want to talk in person or over the phone, I would be happy to--just let me know. Also, my mom had to bear the brunt of this with my grandfather and I know she would be happy to discuss with you.

All love.
megz

2 moms found this helpful

We all know that day is coming for everyone and she does too. Even if her brain isn't just right. She can't expect the whole family to live just for her & I'm thinking you just need to lay it on the line. She needs care that you all can't provide but make sure she knows that you all will visit often & make sure the home is caring for her. And, do that because they don't unless someone visits often & knows how to pitch a fit if they are not cared for properly.

1 mom found this helpful

TO ya'll,,,
Have the DR. tell her he can do a much better job then anyone ,,,because noone wants to be there but they have activitys hair-do days lots of lil extras. BUT please find a nice clean home ,,,,some are really bad smell knock you down so do research visits homes near you.
Good Luck L.

1 mom found this helpful

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