Sensitive Sons Feeling

I had the same issue a few years back when my son was six. he is now 8 and doing ok with the other kids. We refused to go confront the kids. He always wanted us to go out and talk to the others and tell them that he didn't like that kind of play. We told him, you ned to do it on your own. We explained to him that we are not there for him at school and he needs to stand up for himself. We also told him that the more he runs aways and shows that it botheres him, the more the others would do it. He now walks away and finds someone else to play with, or he just laughs it off. Your son will learn these things in time and he will improve.

I know what you mean. Whether it's a boy OR a girl, I feel we should teach our kids to stand up for themselves and not run away from every little thing someone might say or do to them. Especially if it's not bullying and it's just kids being kids.

Ps. I wouldn't give up on mamasource just yet :) Everyone just has a different opinion, and that's what makes this site so great.

This is a tough one, because bullying can be a serious problem with detrimental consequences. These days, the simple schoolyard scuffle of yesteryear is not what's happening these days when fights break out. Often there is nothing friendly about it. Peer pressure and pecking order starts as young as 6, and depending on the value-system these "bullies" are being raised in, the stakes could be high.

Find out what exactly these kids are doing that has your son so upset. I'd be less worried about him growing up being a sissy, and more interested in finding out what's going on when he's away from home. He needs support and reassurance that he can get help if he needs it, moreso than being taught how to survive a street fight with the kids down the street. Maybe it's pushing and kicking today, and a knife or gun tommorrow. No matter what, if it's more than one kid ganging up on him, he should be rightfully concerned.

How well do you know these kids' families? Consider inviting the trouble-makers to your house so that everyone is on your son's turf. Meanwhile, figure out what's really going on (the dynamics between the kids). One of two things will happen. Either the bullies will become "Eddie Haskells" (dating myself again) and will ease up on your son as you become more present in their activities (a way of being a silent ally for your son while getting valuable information). Or, you'll find out who is rotten and can either contact the kids' parents if things warrant it, or make contact with these kids totally off limits because you yourself will know whether your son is being weak or rightfully concerned.

While there is value in helping your son cope with bullies, sometimes its not worth it. If these kids are truly bad seeds, their behavior will only get worse with time. Your son may eventually become rotten like them to cope with the peer pressure, or be victimized by them. Sometimes, giving him the green light to avoid them is appropriate and okay to do. This doesn't teach weakness. This teaches him how to assess peoples values and whether or not he wants to be subject to those values. The bottom line is, carefully evaluate the situation. If it is a minor problem, it will resolve itself. But if he's truly troubled, you should at least give him the benefit of the doubt and emotional support and pehaps takes steps to help him. Afterall, he doesn't have to hang out with these kids only. He can find friends anywhere. In adult life, we select our friends and avoid those we don't like. Why can't he do the same?

Afterall if these kids come from homes where violence is how they get what they want, they're not going to change. If you don't support your son, and come up with a good plan together, he'll be the one left with no allies, and will be the one suffering the consequences.

I don't think your wrong on wanting your son to stand up for himself, I expect all my sons, and my DAUGHTER to stand up for themselves when ever they feel like they are being insulted or attacked. I have told my kids that it's all right and sometimes better to walk away from a fight, but the fight for what they feel is right. Coddling children can backfire just as most things. You want your child to grow up a well rounded person and I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job!
D.

K.,
I have a young man in my Cub Scout Den that is quite sensitive. When we started out as 1st graders he had a really hard time with the same issues you are having, and competitions also. I am sure time to grow was a major factor, but I do think that Cub Scouting has taught him alot. I think that his self esteem and coping skills have been helped. Cub Scouting is not just outdoor skills and camping, there is much more to it. It is a great program. This young man just spent 4 days away from his parents at camp and did so great, I was really impressed. He has really improved. Maybe you can check into your local program. Cub Scouting is a great resource for young boys.
Take care,
V.

I would also highly recommend the book The Highly Sensitive Child. You need to be very careful what you say to sensitive children. They need someone to understand those feelings and emphasize with them, not suck it up. It can be VERY hard though; I know. My daughter is VERY sensitive, and even though I am also very sensitive and had a very hard childhood as a result, I didn't handle it as well as I should. Then she started talking about killing herself. She was six.

We took her to a psychologist and we are now working with her to understand all those feelings that she has. I now know how important it is to listen to what she says and talk things out instead of just telling her to suck it up. That book is seriously a life-saver, not only for my child, but now I understand myself too!

Being highly sensitive as a child can be VERY hard if no one there is understanding for you. You begin thinking that there is something wrong with you, that you're a bad person, that no one likes you, and that you wish you could die. Your son needs to understand those feelings and know where they come from, or else you could end up with a LOT more problems down the road when he's older. Drugs, anyone? Cutting? Depression? Please read that book and be a little more sensitive towards your son.

Hey K.. I understandthat it's easy to just expect your son to "be a man about it", but I think it's really important to recognize that h is still just a child. I believe that if you parent your son lovingly and supportively, he will grow upto be a much more confident and secure man. I would highly recommend that you read "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Lives of Boys". It was written by two male psychologists who have worked with many sensitive and/or angry boys. It's really worthwhile. And if you don't have the time to read the book, there's also a companion documentary available from PBS. Your local library might have it. God luck!

A 'sissy'? K., it sounds like you need to bone up on what it's like to be a boy. Reading books about raising boys would do you a world of good. Google on "Raising a Son" and you will find umpteen texts to help you to understand his position in the neighborhood and the family.

Being a boy is not easy and you calling him a "wimp" and "sissy" (even in your thoughts) is more destructive than any of the incidents in the neighborhood. He needs his mom to believe in him and to support him when he feels sad or hurt.

Parents Magazine had an article in the July issue about kids and their feelings that may help. It was called "Read your child's mind". You should be able to read the article on their website.

I agree with other responses. Being labeled a "sissy" or a "wimp" by his own mother will do far more harm than running away from the other children. Stand by him. It sounds like he needs support right now.

There is more sensitive boys out there then you realize. He runs to you with his feelings hurt because Mom always makes things better. He will get better about it as he matures but I would watch the situations closely, you never know if there is someone bullying on the sly. My oldest son was small for his age so he was bullied in school. It is a hard life when your feelings get hurt a lot. I finally told him he had to stand up to one of the bullies and he did, giving him self confidence to handle the situations (that bully and my son became best friends until he moved a couple years later). I also put my son in Karate which builds self esteem and works on self control. What doesn't help is saying toughten up and suck it up, it has such a negitive sound to it. Aknowlege his feelings and help him find solutions to deal with it.

My youngest son dealt with bullies on his own. One day he came home from school and told me about a boy during football bullying him. He said "Vance came up to me and took a swing at me and I ducked.. I took a swing back and he didn't... now he stays clear of me!" I don't promote fighting but had to laugh on how he explained it.

I have seen tender-hearted little boys get told repeatedly by their parents that they are "toughies" and I have seen their parents mold them into tough, rough, insensitive boys who are experts at denying and covering up their feelings. Why not preserve the feelings of your boy? His future wife and children will thank you. I also suggest the book "Raising Cain".
Some kids just don't like rough play, and it's ok to respect that.

heres where it gets hard. especially with boys. ask yourself, would i react differently if this were a girl? for the most part, we tend to think boys need to suck it up, and girls should be coddled. we need to consider how that makes our kids feel.

feelings are good to have. its ok for your son to have feelings of hurt when someone treates him badly. its actually a REALLY good thing. its part of empathy, if he feels bad when someone calls him a name, he should be able to understand that someone else feels bad when they are called names too! its a good thing for your son to feel this way. and no matter what other kids call him, it doesnt make him a wimp or a sissy or any of that.

i guess if that were happening to my son (whos only 19 1/2 months old) i would try to encourage the fact that he has feelings, and try to be empathetic to him instead of telling him its bad to have those feelings. as far as either making the kids stop or helping your son not have those feelings, i dont know what to say about that. when i was growing up i was always picked on and there wasnt really anything that anyone could do to make it stop, or to make me not feel bad. but, i consider being highly sensitive an asset not a bad thing. it really has helped me relate to other people, its helped me to just have that intuition when other people are feeling down.

just think, when he gets married, and isnt afraid to talk about his feelings and knows how to express them, think of how wonderful his wife will feel LOL.

anyway, i think its a good thing. just try to comfort him and help him to understand that even when someone teases him it doesnt make it true, and he can just walk away. he will find friends that dont treat him that way... even if its only one or two friends...
they dont have to be popular, they just have to be happy and have friends that respect them LOL.

Sometimes it just takes awhile. One of my boys is really sensitive. He is just now at 13 not crying when we look at him cross-eyed! It was very frustrating.
I think he got better with friends by the time he was 10.
Maybe you can equip him with things to say instead of running. "Dude, I know you are joking around, but I don't like it." It could make things worse if the boys are mean, but if they aren't, maybe it will actually help them be nicer to each other.
One of my boys, and every kid his age I have ever met, even overseas, has been mean. It is the way they are. They always insult each other. That is how they know they are liked, lol. Drives me nuts. He couldn't tolerate my sensitive son and it was hard on us for years trying to make him be nicer and the other one to be tougher.

Try role playing at home so he can learn to take the insults and process them when he is expecting them. Hopefully that will give him some skills to deal with them.

My son is very sensitive. He will either run or react with anger. We realized that he is a highly sensitive child. Sometimes he needs time to process and if he doesn't get that time, then he will not deal with situations the best way. My husband found a book called "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. The book is right up our alley and will help us learn more about him and will teach us how to help him thrive when the world overwhelms him.

We realized also that my husband is highly sensitive and it is hereditary. The sensitiveness can relate to sounds, light and man other things, its not necessarily a female sensitivity that we often relate to that word.

Be happy to help more if you like.
____@____.com

Best of luck. We are attempting to read the book together - but we must make it a priority. . .

My son is also sensitive and runs away crying quite often if someone hurts his feelings. He is almost 7 yrs old. He is very dramatic and takes a while to calm down. We just let him calm down then he usually goes back out and plays some more. I recommend a great book: Bringing Up Boys by Dr. James Dobson. It really helped me understand boys and letting them be boys!

Hope that helps you..
J.
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