Sensitive Son - Canton,TX

Hi S.,
My heart just broke when I read your post. I have an 11 year old son and home school as well. I know exactly where you are coming from. You've had a lot of great advice.

I found that therapy does not work unless the person who needs the therapy realizes it and WANTS to change. Most men in these situations feel they are doing the best they can and indeed in most cases they are. So, it is really up to you.

Sports like Tae Kwon Do and swimming are great self esteem builders (TKD will also empower your son to never be afraid of a bully, it has done wonders for my son. ) I encourage you to enroll him in both over the summer. There are other "individual" sports like fencing. Even tennis and golf can help build self esteem. Boys always need a physical outlet.

I don't know if he gets frustrated, if so, a punching bag hanging in the backyard tree is a great tension release, so is a trampoline.

Try to make your house the "fun" house. Invite friends and their kids over once a week for a potluck or pizza and you will see your son begin to blossom. By extension he will be the "fun kid".

If your family volunteers, that is another great way to build self esteem. You and he can volunteer to feed the homeless ( they are looking right now for more help at The Bridge which the Stewpot will service, in downtown Dallas) . You said he is good with animals and the elderly. Both great venues for volunteer activities. My mother lived with us the year prior to her death and I saw my son grow in ways I never expected, just looking after her and going to appointments with her made him feel so grown up, in charge and self assured.

Don't worry, he won't lose his tender heart. God gave it to him and that cannot be taken away or lost. He has a tender hearted, loving and nurturing mom and is no doubt already wise enough to realize a tender heart is not a "guy thing or a girl thing". It's a people thing.

If there is anything your husband does, golf,chess, walking the dogs, biking, even just going to a movie, that they might be able to bond over, try to find even one thing. I've recently got my husband to play a couple of video games, walk dogs and also bike with our son a few time a week. Dads like this are desperate to bond, but so much reminds them of their childhood and I suspect they feel overwhelmed and inadequate much of the time, bound by awful memories.

If a one on one activity won't work, maybe a family game night once a week, or even just watching a dvd together.

Another self esteem builder is anything your son is good at, art, writing, building, speech,
get him involved in a group that will nurture these things.
As a home schooler you are aware there are great coop classes he can get involved with which can be a great way of meeting other nice kids.

Our son knows if he has an issue he wants to talk about he can see our pastor and they had a great talk that really helped him. Hopefully your pastor can act as a "second" dad or perhaps your youth minister. There are male role models all around us and our boys will see all men are different.

Please take heart, keep faith, your son will turn out just fine. If you want to email me privately, I can recommend a great TKD class.
K

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Keep doing what you are doing. Keep praising your son and tell him every day you love him and Jesus loves him. I had a situation when I was raising my son and daughter alone. My son was always in the shadow of his younger sister that was excellent in every sport and anything she wanted to do. He was also dyslexic. You can not command a lot of things to them because they will only get the first and last and miss some of the list. There is something about colored lights that helps. Not sure how that works. Years ago 6 hrs away there was a gal that taught it. I never had money or time to pursue it. Reading is so important and is also an escape into any world you want to be. My son was a 5th grade reader in High School and dropped out. A praying wife can turn around the relationship and her marriage. Some times not and I have come to the conclusion only God knows what is best. I could not turn around my evil husband who was seeing other women but was removed from that situation to a life of so much more. Raising my granddaughter is the biggest joy I have ever known. Having a Day Care at home where I can make a difference in teaching children to care about each other is so rewarding. Before I had a nice break from work. I stayed home and played with women groups. Far from ever being able to do that now, because I have to work and I have to survive. I do not have the cushy life I had, but it is a good life. Just keep letting God guide you and pray and your son will be whoever he choses to be. Take care of you and be there for him. God Bless G. W

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There is nothing wrong with your son being sensitive and I wouldn't worry too much about him being labeled a sissy or whatever. He will learn to stand up for himself but only if you are stong in standing up for him. He will be watching how you deal with his father when his father isn't treating him fairly. You need to send a strong message that you will not stand for your husband treating him unfairly. You need to be the one to set a strong example of how to set bounderies and stick up for yourself and him. Children learn how to deal with relationships and bullying from their parents. Recommended reading "Bounderies". I haven't read it yet, but I've heard many people talk about it on this forum and I am going to buy it soon. Keep praying for your husband, but also be strong and let him know what you expect of him with regard to your children. Being a Christian does not mean being a doormat and tolerant to injustice. I hope this at least gives you a different view to think about. :)

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You are training him the way he should go...bottom line. So many things were said about and to Jesus, then and now. His feelings were hurt, too, but He continues on with the work and business of His Father. You husband does not sound like the man referred to in Ephesian 5, but more like the verse where parents are admonished about provoking their children to anger. Remind your son of the story of Joseph and the favor that he found in and with God inspite of his brothers(BULLIES) and the king's wife (another bully) and throughout his life. He didn't do anything, either, but that never stopped the ignorance of others. Continue to love and encourage your son. Eventhough it is your husband's charge, biblically, to train the young man to be a respectable man (Titus 2), continue on. The will of God will not take you where the grace of God won't protect you.

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S.,
I honestly don't have any advice but I did want to affirm and encourage you. It is so evident from your post that you love your son and that you love and respect your husband even if you do recognize his weaknesses. We all have them. I think you are doing a wonderful job of supporting your husband in prayer! You are doing all the right things and I think you are wise to protect the gentle things in your son. In my opinion, it takes more of a man to be gentle than it does to be hard. Stay strong and don't grow weary. Keep the Father in front of your son as the ultimate role model. No one models gentleness and strength like our Lord Jesus! I will be lifting your family up in prayer!

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Hi S., I had a son who had an absent father due to divorce - my ex never hardly saw him, but would take his older brother. It broke my heart when his dad picked up his older brother but not him, and then my son asked me, who's my daddy? Later their dad more or less disappeared from the older son's life too. My oldest boy became the watch out for my younger one, in other words, he wouldn't let anyone get away with bullying his little brother. I had to deal with bullys with my very youngest son though. It's never easy. My son learned to stand up to them. Sometimes it meant he got in trouble too, but I was just glad that he didn't let the bullys walk over him.

Anyway, it sounds like your family could use some family counseling. In speaking to your husband to suggest it, it's not like any parent is given a detailed training manual on how to raise kids. The bible is certainly a good book for it, don't get me wrong, but sometimes people need a little wisdom from those who've already been through parenting, like what you're doing by posting on Mamasource. Since my sons literally did not have a dad around, I kept them active in activities at church. I explained to the men who were involved with my son through those activities that his dad wasn't around to be there for him.
Your husband may just need ideas on being a father to a son...it may be easier for him to father the daughter. Since he didn't have a good role model, he may be be behaving with your son the way he was treated...without really meaning to!
If he is open enough for you to be able to approach him, and you approach him without it sounding like this is for him but rather say it's for the kids and the family unit as a whole, he may consider it. SOmetimes churches have father/son activities that he can then get involved in to have some one on one with your son.
It's a sticky situation since you don't want your husband to feel criticized. If nothing else, speak first with your pastor as to how you should handle this. You, as a mom, sound like you're doing all the right things. It's just that he also needs to hear some of what your saying from his dad too. If your husband realizes how much it means to you, maybe he will consider it.
God bless you and your family.

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S.,
I don't have any real words of wisdom to offer, just wanted to let you know that you sound like an incredible women and the encourage you to keep praying, don't give up hope. God hears your heart and knows your husbands and sons as well. My husband had never been around kids until we had our first son, He just didn't know how to be the kind of dad I grown up with. My dad is an amazing one, my expectations where high, it never occurred to me that it could and would be different for my children. There where several years where I really worried about the role my husband played in the men they would be come. My attempt to make up for where I felt he was lacking became a bigger problem. I kept praying, God let me see how my heart needed to change and to learn to celebrate even a small success. It has been a blessing to watch my husband grow as a father and my sons are growing into wonderful christian young men by their fathers example. I don't wont you to think they all have a perfect relationship-not so, but they have all found common ground and are building on it. Also the older the boys get the more they have in common. Again, keep praying and pouring your heart out before the Lord on both your husbands and sons behalf.
Prayers and blessing to you and your family, K

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Sounds as tho' your son is gong to become the sort of young man we would all wish for as a partner for our daughters in the future,as thoughtful as he is.

My now 33 yr old was always a super-sensitive young boy and I feared that he might be vulnerable too as he was articulate, reasonable, caring and gentle, even as a toddler. He loved to play with his small sister's dolls, much to his father's dismay -this one was easy...we bought him a shopping trolley/cart and then Dad did not mind him playing wih the dolls with this - he could see the value in the play shopping and caring for a child etc. Also, Action Man and Ken were around then so again, it was less "embarrassing -for Dad!"Yes he did have to deal with those bullies too who seemed to make a beeline for the gentle "kid" but we discussed that together - all these bullies are looking for is a reaction , and once they get it they'll keep doing whatever gives them that thrill -of seeing another child cry. However, although it will be hard, your son sounds as tho' he can be the type to be quietly strong and not give them this satisfaction, then soon enough they'll move on to something or someone else -he'll be too "Boring" for them!

We mothers KNOW that all this is just role playing and will pass nor does it signifies anything about their sexuality later (something that I fear frightens our menfolk more than us), but somehow Dads seem to be ultra sensitive about this possibility I think. So, I'd say that he should be praised for his thoughtfulness IN FRONT of his father to show openly that it is something to be valued (without labouring the point - maybe your husband will eventually get this too and become more "gentle" with all your feelings in turn, especially if he has not been used to hearing this side of people praised).

Incidentally, our son spun from this behaviour to real macho-man, action-man -trekking and scouting (maybe your son might like this too-especially if he feels it might please Dad and get him out of doors too with the whoe family joining in).Then back to being a music (jazz and classical)player and then canoeing with the family. He has now given us three of the most wonderful (very sporting and rounded and exceedingly boistrous grandchildren)but who he is teaching to also be caring and nurturing young people -maybe you have to teach the importance of being totally "rounded" to your hiusband by being gentle with him too (sounds as tho you all care desperately for one another but may be a little afraid of showing this tenderness to each other)

Sorry this is long and labored but I believe that turning negatives into positives is key to getting thro' everything -and sometimes, others' stories help

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Two words, Martial Arts. Find a good teacher who is as sensitive as your son is, in a non-competitive atmosphere. It can build self-confidence, athleticism, as well as provide a positive roll model. It can help him to make other friends in a safe environment where teasing is not tollerated. As a kid, I,too, suffered in much the same way and martial arts provided an outlet for my frustration, a "subject" to bond with my absent father over, as well as improving my self confidence. I saw this same change in other kids that I trained with. I was never bullied again, (something about the way one carries oneself)though I never used my new skills against a bully. I did once save myself from a mugging, however. Research schools well, however, because the wrong environment can do more harm than good. Good luck.

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I don’t have any advice on the father/ son issue but I wanted to address the self esteem issue. Kids with a low self esteem are more likely to get bullied and picked on. If you don’t care what the other kids say it is not fun for them to belittle you. I have some book recommendations for you:

‘The Successful Child Book’ by Dr. William Sears (askdrsears.com)
‘The Confident Child’ by Terri Apter
‘Raising Your Childs Inner Self-Esteem’ By Karen Owens
‘The New Hide or Seek’ by James Dobson

Also in addition to gymnastics have you considered you son taking a martial art? It can build confidence and he can learn to defend himself if he is physically attacked. Properly defending yourself is different than fighting back. It is mostly deflecting blows.

Make sure that he knows dyslexic does not mean unintelligent. Dyslexics can be highly intelligent and the IQ range is the same as the general population.
Always let him know that you love him unconditionally. Knowing that one person loves you no matter what can help a lot.

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S.,
I'm not sure I have any good advice for you. I will say that you sound like an amazing mom. Just keep doing what you are doing - remind yourself every day that you are doing exactly what you need to be doing - homeschooling your kids, loving on them, teaching them the Truth, reminding them how much Jesus loves them. You are doing a great job.
I am assuming you are involved in a good church. I recommend finding some other men who will involve themselves in your son's life. Talk to your children's minister about what they might recommend.
I can relate, my husband also never had a positive role model and so things have been difficult - and we have also seen improvement. Marriage counseling has also helped my husband be a better dad. When I do talk with my husband, I try to find good moments to talk with him - and make it short and sweet. I'm sure your husband doesn't see what he is doing - or he wouldn't do it. I'm working on my tenderness, kindness and respect toward my husband - so that he does hear what I have to say.
I'm praying for you. Feel free to pray for me as well.
Just remember that ultimately the Lord will work in your son's life regardless. Phil 1:6
You are a great mom - hang in there.

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My son is sensitive too and I worry about him in the every day world as well. For a while my husband was the same way as yours but I purchased the book "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. and it was a life saver. I gave it to my husband to read and he now fully understands more about our son. I still read it as it has many chapters about various stages in his life.

I love my son dearly and wouldn't trade him for anything but I do tend to worry about him.

I hope this helps.

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I don't mean to bash your husband, but I think he could use therapy. I when through the same thing with my husband and we almost got divorced over it. His father left when he was 4, my husband travels a lot, and he didn't know how to 'plug in' when he came back in town. He never saw what a husband and father were supposed to be like, so he didn't know what to do. He had issues he had to learn how to deal with, and not to take them out on the wrong people. (Sounds like your husband could be doing that with your son) We went to therapy for 6 months and now, 8 years later, things are still great. After therapy he became the Godly man, father, husband, and head of the household that he was always meant to be. I wish that for your husband and your family. You cannot begin to understand the peace that will come to you when that happens, it is truly wonderful.

As for your son, it sounds like you are teaching him all the right lessons - it's just hard to have to watch your child go through that. There are mean people in the world. It sounds like he knows that you are his rock, good for you. It's too bad that he can't get the same message from his father. For a boy, to hear from a man that he is okay just the way he his, is very powerful. If your husband can't give him that, maybe someone else can. Maybe there is another relative like an uncle, someone in your church, or you can sign him up with a Big Brother from Big Brothers/Big Sisters? Just a thought, hope this helps. Good luck to you and your family.

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I have not read all of the responses, but your letter is very touching, and I see you are doing everything in your power to help your family dynamics, now just continue to hand your worries over to god, and he will take it from here, BUT don't pick it back up. He wants us to be happy. This is what I suggest for the father and son to bond. Suggest a project or a hobby that your son and husband can do together. This way your husband can learn how to give your son direction, and of course your son will be so prideful at pleasing his father.

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I mean this in the most positive way- you must be a warrior for your family. You husband does not have to have a good role model to be a good parent. My own son did not have an active Father in his formative years and he is an excellent Father. I do not believe his wife, a lovely young woman, would allow anything else but my son knows not to be selfish. Not being active is being selfish. Calmly and without caring that your husband is angry, tell him to stop being selfish. This may be hard, but it sounds like your children are counting on you and you are too tender to take up the slack. Perhaps I am wrong, but girl, you are all they have. Act. Rememeber that Jesus was a rule breaker if the cause was right. Is this cause not right? As to your son and his Father, please get out of the way. If your son is moved to tears over every slight then perhaps your husband is trying to toughen him up the only way he knows how. You may be a road block in this issue. Reality is that a child who cries easily will be seen as weak, and the weak are picked on. This was society among young people when I was young. It was this way when my children were young,and I do not see a change now that my grandchildren are young. It is wrong, but is real. It is what it is, to paraphrase. Practically speaking, start your son in a sport that includes other BOYS. Work with him every night, make him be good. This will give him confidence. Also, your husband may get intrested when he sees you out there. My personal favorite was baseball. When you are fielding a glove or showing how to hold a bat,etc,your husband may find the energy to get involved. Condsider this ,your son is around Mommy and sis alot. A very female household has let him get in touch with his feminine side, where is the masculine side? He will need this to function in our society. His tender heart is a gift from God, and ya know, you cannot take away what God has given. You do not have that power. You can and should teach him to function in this world without being hurt every day by the casual observations of people at large.Can your son be a good christian and follow God into the tough situations life presents if he is always hurt and always crying? God may have need of him and you have been entrusted to see him given the strength to meet life head on. Being a christian is not for a sissy. Playdates are just not enough, in my opinion. Kids have to
interact with each other without Mommy always offering comfort and being fair. WOrk is not fair.Teachers are not fair, the military is not fair... life is not goig to be kind always. Please help him cope with this.

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Have you thought about seeing if dad would think of going and joining the class your son?I think that would help with some bonding time.I had a simmilar thing with my son only he was the small guy getting picked on.While on the way to school he started crying and asked me why god would be so mean and let him be so short.It caught me off guard or shall I say surprized.My response was that the Lord chooze him because he gave him such a big heart that he would be able to substain what ever was thrown at him and that he could forgive the others for mistreating him.As time went by he had serveral altercations with the bullies and he went and stood up for himself and had others that stood up for him as friends.Now as he has gotten older he is now standing 6ft.God has a plan for all our tributes.Remember that a strong sailor doesnt come from calm seas.

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I will be praying for you and your family. My husband had this kind of situation with absent father growing up. I know for him one of his favorite books has been the
Wild at Heart book by John Eldredge. It is a Chrisitan book - all about being a godly boy/man. It was a good read for me too.

For my husband, he had a lot of men at the church he went to adopt him basically. He spent a lot of time with the youth pastor and some other families in the church.

Take care - and most importantly (like you are already doing) pray for your husband and for change for him. Another good book is Walking with God by John Eldredge - it just came out. Ever friend I have right now is reading it & it is radically changing our prayer lives & we are all seeing God move. Pick it up - you will love this book. It is really teaching me how to pray & hear God.

S.

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May I suggest an outlet for your child's worry. My oldest son is a worry wart. He does stand up to bullies, but he worries about everything. I introduced "worry stones". I've told him that he needs to tell me his problems because no one his age should worry so much and if he feels like he can't talk to me he grabs a worry stone and rubs it and "leaves his worries" with the stone.

I wish you all the luck. He probably could use a mentor or another male role model outside of your husband is that a possibility?

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What was your husbands childhood like? Was he bullied or the bully? If you can answer this might help you open one of the doors to the many errors that need addressing. Your husband may need to have a talk with a elder or some one that he respects to really see how he is affecting his child. At this point coming from you it just more like you are nagging him and babying the baby. Change the tactics/method when dealing with your husband.
I had a cousin like your son we are the same age and I was her protector I wasn't a fighter but when confronting I would do what was necessary. I would take the advice of some of the other post and enroll your son in some type of athletic activity if he has no clue on which one he likes let him try a couple and see which one he prefers and he would probably also benefit from a mentor, are you all involved in a church this would be a great place for that as well as the activities and hopefully will eliminate the bully aspect for him so that he will be comfortable.
As always pray and god bless.

God bless you S. and your dear sweet son...I have no advice for you, however I offer you my support through prayer. May the God of heaven and earth give you the wisdom, strength, peace and comfort for you and your son and through the blood of Jesus Christ may He heal this relationship between father and son. I ask that God show you all the power of His love and may you rest in the knowledge of it, so be it in the name of Jesus. Amen!
Your Sister in Christ,
G.
I will keep you in prayer :)

You already have tons of responses, so just a couple of small thoughts. Another excellent book is by James Dobson, "Bringing up Boys". Also, some family counseling sounds like a great idea, our church has a counselor on staff who provides services free or at a nominal cost; I can pass the name and contact info if you're interested.

In someone else's response, they suggested RELATIONSHIP RICH and PATHWAYS as good programs, if you could get your husband to attend.

A friend sent me to a similar program about 5 years ago when I was in the middle of a 20-yr. marriage sadly ending. It helped me tremendously and I can highly recommend it for your husband. He will learn why he acts the way he does. He will learn different modes of being. It is called CHOICES. Find out more about it at www.choicesintl.com

Also, some local elementary school counselors offer a program called LOVE AND LOGIC. They only charge a very reasonable price for the workbook. The class work is based on a book written by DR. FOSTER CLINE. I haven't read the book, but I took his video course 3 TIMES over years that I was raising 4 kids! With each new kid, I needed a refresher course! Attend the Love & Logic program AS A COUPLE! Make sure your husband is there. (Don't tell him that you are doing this just for HIM!!!) Call the couselor at your nearest elementary or intermediate school to try and locate the next available session being offered. I am sure any public school counselor would welcome homeschooling parents into the class group.

My oldest son is very tenderhearted. i used to think the same things about him. sissy etc. he is 13 now. and he is not one at all. he is also dyslexic. he is also prone to have bullies bother him. but he deals with it. i don't think you should worry about anything except the relationship with you hubby and your son. you might talk to the pastor about it. i would think that if your husband is also a devout christian then that would be the way to go. and some male role models or christian counseling should help, and he should be happy to try. even if he is great we could all use some improvement to reach our goals to be more christlike!!!!!

good luck,
L.

S. - I've never been in your situation, so I am not speaking from experience. Your son's situation moved me - as a mom, it's heartbreaking. One idea is to look for a support group for your son. I'm sure he's involved with a youth group at your church. But, maybe you can find a group through his physician for kids who have batteld dyslexia and/or have some hearing issues. This may help him with not feeling bad (if he does) about what he's going through. Your husband could even take him so that he can see what the kids are doing/talking about/handling life.

I definitely think you should nurture his sweet spirit - have him volunteer. He can visit nursing homes and senior centers. Check into Cooks Children's and see if he could volunteer to visit with the kids there. Since he loves animals, maybe he could volunteer at a local vet's office to play with the animals that are boarded or something. By nurturing his spirit, you may find that his self esteem builds up tremendously and the "toughening" that you're looking for will grow. He may never be the kind who gets in someone's face who has hurt him, but maybe he's not meant to be. Perhaps (and this is just conjecture, so no offense is meant) that is what he sees in his father and doesn't want to be that way.

And, of course, continue praying that he lives the way God intended him to live and pray that God gives you and your husband the strength to nurture who he is. Best wishes!

I have not read any of the other entries, so I may be repeatative. Have you read James Dobson's book, Bringing up Boys? If your husband would be willing, he should read it. Not only does he talk about what can happen with boys in an unloving relationship with their father, it gives examples OF a loving relationship with a father. Your dh needs an example to follow (obviously, as you have pointed out.) I have read it and I was telling him about parts of this book that were really enlightening, interesting, etc - we have 2 boys, 4 and almost 3. I told him that I thought he should read it and then offered to read it to him because I thought I could benefit from reading it again. So, I read outloud at night when we are in bed, since he doesn't like to read. It has opened some lines of communication and conversation for us when I am not upset at his behavior and he is not being defensive or mad. I have come to understand his side better and I think he understands where I am as a mom to our boys. Try it, then maybe this could be a way for both of you to grow as parents, picking various books to read together.
I really hope this helps you - good louck and God bless.
L.

Hi. I have a 6 year old who is very sensitive. My mother says I baby him too much, and implies he will also be a 'sissy' in her own words. In my opinion, he is a child and should be treated like a child, not a little adult. I am affectionate with my children; hugging,and telling them I love them everyday. He is also bigger than other boys his age. Not just taller, that too-but a little heavier and he gets teased for it. I know it hurts his feelings as well. He is very sweet, and when he was sent to school I knew that not all children were raised as loved and affectionate and he was bound to get bullied. Of course he does, and I see it hurts him and I've told him those children were jealous because he has such a happy, fun, loving family! Or, because he's going to be a big, tall ball player, etc. I've also told him God is not happy when those kids say those things and hopefully one day they will grow up and learn that, and that their parents didn't teach them very well, etc. I think through this year, my son has started to learn to blow those things off. He's made 'real' friends. Having your son involved in extracurriculars is great for his confidence in sharing activities he chooses and loves no matter what they are with other kids who love the same things. He will build confidence, and a friend circle, and with your positive reinforcement and guidance he will grow to a caring, empathetic man. It sounds like he already has the loving heart which we can tell some grown men did not grow when they were younger obviously! As far as your husband. I won't judge. I was married to a man like that. I was dealt that card, but after him being so hard on our older daughter-and combined with him drinking and not being home and interactive as he should be as a husband and a father, I folded that hand. Now, I have a man who loves my children from that marraige, and our own two children equally. Of course, we have our disagreements over parenting, but we always comprimise, and he's great at making sure to spend time with them even though he works 60 hours a week and attends night school once a week. We try, and I'm sure we fail at some things, but being partners is what it takes! Counseling would be great for all of you. My mother took me at 13 because of conflict with my step father, and being bullied at school. It was nice to have someone to talk to at that age. I just remember wishing my parents had attended! You sound like a wonderful mother, keep reinforcing what you are and loving your kids equally, when they are adults they will love you and appreciate you for it. Hopefully your husband will realize that he could be creating a permanent gap between him and your son's relationship because in not too long, he will too be an adult.

Foster his independence. Let him make some decisions for himself. I know it is hard, but try not to 'baby' him or overly dote on him. Get him involved in outside activities-- esp. if he is homeschooled! This will give him opportunity to be able to interact in real world situations. Let him know that he has a voice, that everyone's voices are important, and that he should always speak up and face issues when they arise. If something his father said has upset him, then he should make that known to his father, and it should be dealt with... and if it can't be at home, then get a counselor. Intervene-- don't only rely on prayer because we have choices and the power to act. So many sensitive young boys grow up with an empty hole in their heart, which leads to depression, and can be even worse than that. My sis in law is a youth counselor and sees first hand the outcomes of situations like yours. We need to teach all kids to break down the barriers of male/female stereotypes, and I think this is starting to happen. I see a major difference in elementary school today with my kids as opposed to when I was that age. The kids are much more accepting toward differences. And while you can't avoid mean people or bullies altogether, confidence is the key to overcoming those obstacles. We have to teach kids to be proud of themselves and their special talents, no matter how big or small. If he loves animals, get him pets to be responsible for. He needs to find friends as well. At his age, it is important that he has someone to talk to and share time with other than family. Unfortunately, it is sometimes harder for homeschooled kids to find a special friend to connect with b/c they aren't engaged socially every single day-- but you can get him involved in enough so that he can connect with someone. He is about to enter a very difficult time-- preteen years. This is hard for everyone, esp. the more sensitive types. I respect your passion for religion, but it may be time to look in other arenas for more proactive answers. Not all kids are bullies. Finally, sit down with your husband and make a plan for action. Maybe if he has a clear picture of goals and outcomes, he won't get so frustrated and fly off the handle with your son-- b/c that definitely doesn't help. Your son needs confidence and to feel acceptance from real people, not JUST from "God".
I wish you all the best... I have seen your situation many times, including in my own extended family. I also teach and volunteer, so I am constantly made aware of these issues. Every child is valuable, and there is no right way to be. My 7 year old has a saying... "the only thing we can be perfect at is being ourselves"-- she says this often. We are who we are, and acceptance is what we all strive for.

S., I too have a highly sensitive 9 yr old son who also had a hard time connecting to his very manly, macho daddy. What helped us tremendously was finding a hobby they both enjoy. What started out as 30 min a week together doing this hobby has now turned into so much more! It gave them something to talk about, something to plan for, something to brag to friends about, and also gave them the opportunity to talk about other things. I'm not saying they have the perfect relationship now, but it is a more positive one and through spending time with dad my son is crying and whining less, learning to talk more, and still very perfectly sensitive.

As for the bullies, I think everyone in every walk of life gets bullied. I teach my son and daughter to stand their ground. Neither one of them would ever start a fight, but they both know if it comes down to it they have my permission to END it by fighting back with no punishment. I've told them both they get one good punch in the nose and they better make it good enough that the bully doesn't get back up. LOL Although they've never had to do it, they are both very athletic and muscular, and can definitely hold their own if provoked. This might not be the best answer, but it works for us and has worked for them.

Keep praying, but please, please encourage your husband and maybe your son to get counseling. Maybe talk to your church pastor. You are worried about your son being bullied, but it sounds like he is being bullied in his own home. Your husband may just be trying to "toughen him up," but it sounds like he is being the same role model or lack of role model that he received as a child. Encourage and help him to stop the cycle. He may want to be a better dad and not know how. There are people to go to for help with that. Start with your church clergy. They can guide you. None of us know everything about raising kids, and if we didn't have a great role model as we were growing up, it is OK to find one as an adult. Good luck and I will pray for all of you.

S.,
First, that is not the hand you have been dealt. It is what you and your husband have learned and what you are now teaching your kids. Please call Relationship Rich or Pathways Core Training and talk to them about the seminars they offer. Please email me and talk to me. I have been where you are! It can be different and you and your family can be happy, connected and living in a Christ centered home with passion and intimacy and unconditional love. DO NO SETTLE for what you have, you all deserve to be happy. ____@____.com

I have really dealt with this. My older son is very sensitive and I could watch him slowly shrinking inside like his soul was trapped. My husband and I had to do something different or our babies were going to suffer. PLEASE don't discount this. Christ did not suffer on the cross so you would live this way!
We will pray and I hope to hear from you.
My heart,
B. P

You might want to check out a book called Raising Cain. It talks about the emotional health of boys. It sounds like he could also use a male role model. Maybe he could take a class with a male instructor. TaeKwonDo is great for focus and confidence. Does your church have a youth group or something he could participate in with other boys. He will need to be able to tolerate the "real world" at some point. I would start with baby steps and keep home his "safe place".

The heart of the issue whether you like it or not is your husband. I am married to one like that, but he has to make the right choices. There is a book out there called "Power of a praying wife" by Stormie O'Martian. Go to any Christian bookstore and pick up a copy. Start reading through it and pray the prayers and wait for God to do His work.

I would highly reccomend these two books:
The Power of a Praying Wife and the The Power of a Praying Parent, both by Stormie Omartian. They both stress the POWER in praying God's Word--and give great verses related to the various areas to pray in. WONDERFUL WONDERFUL resources for every wife and mother!!
God Bless you--and remember--if HE raised up dead people (including Himself) there is no miracle too big for your son and husband!!

I won't remark negatively about your husband, because you've done that enough already. And you need to stand back and let your son toughen up. Don't baby him. A VERY GOOD website to read about these things, raising boys, is called "No Greater Joy". They had a wonderful article on just this very thing an issue or two ago. It's called - and I'm sorry for the title - "Sissy Sensitive Son", and it just may open your eyes.
In case you think I am being mean to you, I have five sons, soon to be six when we adopt our foster son, ages 22 down to 3. I also have a husband who does not connect until the children are grown. Yes, it has been hard. And it would be easy to spend all my time focusing on what my husband is not doing, but what I have learned is 'what is, is' and I cannot blame all the time. Educate yourself, and treat your son like a man, and he will become one. My oldest, totally homeschooled son starts law school in a prestigous university this fall. My second one works in an organic butcher shop, my third is only 17 tomorrow, but spent his first year in college this year. My fourth is 14 and raises ducks and geese, and usually has more money than I do.
The No Greater Joy website is a wonderful place to learn how to raise boys, if it is a little rough sometimes.

Well, where to start...I raised 5 children as a single parent for 17 years. Two sons and 3 daughters. My oldest son had his father in his life for his first 7 years but my youngest son did not. He was very sensitive and clung to me early on, loved animals, all the things you talk about. He was very protective of his sisters, but didn't have much of a male influence in his life. His father saw him during the summer, but that was it. I worried about my son too. A really huge blessing came when a friends brother who ran a karate and kickboxing school needed a bookkeeper and I started to help him. In exchange he gave my children lessons. My son started to excel. I know it sounds crazy, alot of people warned me that it would make him agressive or turn him into a bully, but it didn't at all. He became disciplined, and respectful and strong. It taught him so much. I believe you have to find the right place. His teacher/trainer believed in hard work and good ethics and morals. He always made sure that the kids did their homework before class and he was a Christian so he didn't teach the "philosophy" just the techniques. My son learned so much! He got into kickboxing and held several regional, state and a US title. He was undefeated. It helped him in school too, the work ethics that were instilled in him. No one picked on him at school, he never got into a fight at school, the kids respected him and many of them came to see his fights/tournaments. My son grew up to be a very loving, caring, respected man with 2 wonderful children. He always did things for others, never selfish. He was killed in an accident in February when his foreman fell asleep at the wheel and they crashed into a tree. He was 24. I know he is with his heavenly Father now though I miss him terribly. I truly believe that the love and support of a mother, the prayers lifted up, the blessings, grace and mercy from God can and do work miracles, and I also believe that the karate and kickboxing classes he got involved with during his preteen and teen years helped so much to mold him into a truly special man. Hope this helps. God bless you and I'll be praying for you.

S.,
First, let me say that I am truly very sorry that you are living in a marriage that is so one-sided and unsupportive. It must be very difficult to feel so out of sync with your husband - to not be on the same page with your goals and ideas for raising the kids.

With all due respect, I feel a little troubled with how you describe your son and your interactions with him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a boy/man being sensitive (my husband has one of the most tender and compassionate hearts I know of) but there has to be a balance of "toughness" with the sensitive side. I am also a Christian mother of two boys (still young - about to be three) but I feel it is very important to raise these boys to be Godly men that will not have a spirit of timidity but will be ready to answer the calling of a brave leader, husband and father. God created the sexes differently, he meant for the males to be stonger and protective while females were meant for the nurturing. I believe the whole foundation of life is set up on the notion of "survival of the fittest" especially in males. As others have already said, if you don't step back and let your son experience some of life's downers and find his way through them, you will one day very soon have a man on your hands that will not be able to function and compete in the stresses of the real world. He'll have trouble finding women that will respect him, instead he'll be drawn to those that will dominate him and tear him down. He won't have the confidence to compete in a very competitive job environment - to stand out from the many others who will be working around him. He will be so hypersensitive to anything that happens to him that he will likely completely withdraw and feel unable to move forward from his problems.

I know as a mother you want to protect him and you should - to an extent. As hard as it is we sometimes have to let our children be hurt and leave them to deal with it. My nine year old daughter has been hurt countless times by "friends" but I've come to believe that my job is to help her have enough confidence to stand up and let it be known that she can handle it. I could tell you a long story about my cousin Chad who is 30 now and completely unable to function as a responsible adult and I think a lot of it comes from my aunt coddeling him and rescuing him from every single problem he ever had in his life. He doesn't know how to be a man now and it's pretty sad for the whole family....

I will concur that it is time to get your son involved in some really good masculine activites. Karate, baseball, whatever. Gymnastics is fine (and I always enjoy watching the men in the Olympics) but it is a primarily female sport so supplement it with something that is "all boy".
As far as your husband, you are doing the best thing right now which is praying for him. Does he go to church with you? Can you invite another family over for dinner that has a husband/father that you really think would be a good influence? I will close by saying that my husband grew up without a father except for a few years that his mother was married to a horrible drunk wife beating mess of a man. He never had anyone to teach him what a father should be but the thing he has is the heart desire to raise his kids the best he can so thanks to the Holy Spirit's guidance and some really awesome Christian men's books, he is an awesome daddy to our three kids. My point is, your husband doesn't need a past history to be a good father, he needs a present desire. I would continue to pray that for him.
Blessings to you and your family.

Hi S., My son is 9 and is also so very tender hearted. My son has always attended a private christian school and has a strong relationship with the lord. He is the smallest in his class and He carries his heart on his sleeve and isnt accepted a lot by his peers because of it. Over the last couple of months he has started wetting the bed over the stress of confrontation and having to stand up for himself. He is a peacemaker and his nature is very soft. This is what I am doing and is helping tremendously. I enrolled him in soccer. ( he did not want to) but now is having fun with it. martial arts is great but I wanted him to learn how to work as a team and compete. He would rather do a solo sport because the notion of going up against someone is hard for him.. (My husband is very supportive but works and travels a lot.) My role with him is changing to coach right now and I try very hard not to baby him. I am not doing him any favors right now if I do. We role play on what an appropriate response is to defend him self and also on social skills of making new friends. I invite friends over to play and make sure they go outside and run and be boys. Since he is homeschooled make sure he gets outside with other boys everyday to run and play it will help him from becoming depressed. I have told my son that I love who he is and I am not trying to make him some one he is not but that my job as a mom is to help him develop his weeknesses so that he can grow into a strong man of God. He appreciates that and trusts me to help mold him into a well rounded young man. Maybe enroll him in a church camp this summer give him a chance to be away from you and grow his independence (this will give him confidence as well) I also suggest volunteering with younger kids. This gives him a chance to be a role model and will also boost his confidence. One last thing...speak to him what you want not what he is and remember you are planting seeds in his mind. If you are constantly reaffirming his soft nature he will stay that way. Speak to him as though he is strong and confident and then treat him as such and he will eventually grow into that role. Try not to over praise him and reward with strong affirmations like " I knew you could do it, Good Job!" Let him know he is stronger than he thinks he is and your going to help him develop those muscles..!!! Good luck He will be a fine young man believe it and start speaking it.

Dear S. M,

I have already said a prayer for all of you. I suggest family counseling. A Christian counselor would be perfect for all of you.

Deb D

I suggest some counseling. How about the pastor at your church? First you and your husband - and then the whole family.
Sign your son up for karate. It will build his strength and confidence.
Also, meet with the Guidance Counselor at school and get suggestions on books to read and activities that would help.
God bless.
E.

Hi S.,

I have to agree with some of the other moms...this does sound like a classic "dad" issue to me, too, though I know you'd rather not hear that. To me, your son sounds like a wonderful, sensitive young man who might just need love and assurance from dad more than anything else. We moms know the preteen and teen years are immensely tough ones for kids these days...I'd look into some counseling for you all before the "teen agnst" possibly sets in and he looks for acceptance elsewhere...sadly, statistics show that's what MOST teens do...I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

Please know I say this in love...I know you are trying hard and must be dealing with so much. I'll say a prayer for your family.

Oh, and someone suggested the book "Boundaries"...I totally agree, it's an awesome book and I know it would have some practical relevant advice for your situation.

God bless & hang in there,
K.

Hi S., since you don't have much dad support, have you spoken to any of the youth leaders or older men in your church? Sometimes all it takes is a positive outside influence to come alongside of kids at this age to give them the added support. Many churches have mentoring programs already in place, but even in those that don't, there are usually some older, possibly retired men who could step in and take an interest in him; be an encouragement.

It might help to speak with your pastor and explain to him what you think your son specifically needs, and ask if he could recommend anyone. Quite possibly, to make the situation less awkward, he might even approach anyone you both believe would be a good fit with your son, to inquire about willingness. I would discuss with him (the pastor) ways you can involve your husband in this also. You don't want to make your husband feel as though he's not good enough or is being replaced in any way.

This would definitely involved lots of prayer and research, but if you're looking for a Christian influence, I'd start with your church home.

I understand why you don't want people to attack your husband but unless you deal with it, you will continue to have these problems. THE ONLY way for this to turn arround is for DAD to show as an example of what kind of man you want your son to be. Dad needs to be the example other wise the example is what your son will be.

Hi S.,

I feel your pain. Your son sounds like a wonderful boy. It's a blessing that he is so caring and tender-hearted. I know that God is faithful and your prayers will be answered. Your son will probably always be sensitive, but this will benefit him in many ways, as well as cause him pain.

I also have a ten year old son, and my husband is not always as involved and hands-on as I would like him to be (he is a physician who works a lot, and just doesn't seem to have as good a grip on parenting as I'd like to see when he is with the kids). I would recommend Boy Scouts for him. Scouting is designed to help boys grown in skills, confidence and leadership. They build their self-esteem by learning to be capable. The leaders are generally men (and some women) of excellent character who care deeply about the boys and give their time and energy to help build them into good men. Many are Eagle Scouts. They pray at every meeting, and talk about the importance of faith.

Boys Scouts are well-organized to develop boys' potential. Their leaders are trained extensively in leadership development and safety. I would recommend you and your son visit a few local troops (the boys can choose their troop--they are not limited to the closest one) and see how they are run and how the boys and leaders behave. You should speak with the scoutmaster and tell him about your son and his particular needs. A good scoutmaster would make sure his scouts are aware of the hearing difficulties, etc and that they are supportive.

Boys of this age will not always behave perfectly and are sometimes unkind. We have experienced this, but in our experience, the leaders know the boys well and work hard to make sure the boys treat each other well. Boys who are Scouts are already more motivated to be good citizens than the average population. They are involved in Scouts because of their standards. They want to be good men.

Although it is painful to see your son bullied, he needs to learn to get along in groups. This can be harder when you're home-schooled. It's important for him to be involved in groups so he can learn important social skills. Being sensitive and a Christian, I really feel that Scouts, church youth groups, supportive sports teams (like the Christian league, Upwards, which emphasizes Christ, sportsmanship, instead of winning--ask at your church for local leagues) would be very helpful.

If it's within your means, you might consider a Christian school. Our kids go to a small one near us. It's not super-expensive compared to other private schools. What I especially love is that the classes are small and close. Christian values are taught in every subject, and the kids are taught about God's love. They pray for each other every day, and the teachers and administors pray for them routinely. With occasional exceptions, the kids are extraordinarily kind to each other. We had a real shock when we played on city soccer teams and had kids being rude and mean. They weren't used to it!

I hope this helps. I will pray for your family. I know that with a caring mother and his faith, your son will grow in to a good and godly man.. God is faithful!

Blessings,

D.

You ask not to say anything about your husband, but when you said you had long talks with your son on trying to understand him , it seems to me you are putting all the pressure on your son, and it is your husband that needs to have the long talk and explain how with his problems your husband needs to be more sensitive, and this may make a new person out of his son, and that your husband is missing out on a great relationship, when all his son wants is approval from him. I'm sorry, but people have to take responsibility for their own actions, & it sounds loud and clear that your husbands actions are NOT correct.And if you have always home schooled, your son missed out in the early years how to interact with kids and learn social skills in dealing with others on a little child basis, where kids aren't so cruel to others. By the time they get up a few grades they seem to get worse. If your son could ignore bad behavior, this usually works best, as if he is timid & acts upset, then this just seems to make bully kids feel this is someone to pick on. If he is really upset on the inside, but can just hide it to the kids, they soon learn to leave them alone, as they are no fun to pick on any more.

Hi S.,
This is a hard situtation, I have the opposite situtation were my husband favors our son over or daughter. I would recommend some counseling for you, and maybe for your son.
Steve Barns and Associates in Denton is a great Christian group who counsel adults and children.
Good Luck,
K.