Sending Sister-in Law E-mail

Hey K.,
I have to say using verses from the Bible is one of the best ways you can come across to someone who procliams thier relationship with christ and procliams to live thier life to glory god and his kindom. When God is truly living through us in our lives and in our hearts our behavior is not to be selfish self centered or boastful and most of all of about anything that we can not take to heaven, our behavoir is only one of the ways to glorify god. I have come to realize that just becuase someone goes to church and is involved in the church may not be for God but for them selves and people all to often believe well I am going to church giving my time I am good to go, but when someones self being does not coralate with all that they do and procliam they need to do some serious soul searching. That person needs someone to tell them just how they make other people feel, not by attacking them but saying it as a friend and try to have a discussion about it.To love one or the other but not both. Of coarse we can enjoy the gifts we have been blessed with but not to obsess or be prideful of them, then it's not really enjoyable,of coarse you know all of this already. Bring it up as respectlfully and courtious as you can and then it will be up to her on how she will take it and handle it. God bless and keep praying about it.
Remember try not to hold a grudge I know it is not the easist thing to always do but is it benefiting you? Go to Eagle brook.com then go to past messages/online messages their is series that related to me and my relationship with my sister-in-law it might help you out as well, you'll see it (life's to short)and (liquid money). I know this is a long message,You will have to let us know how it goes if you want.
Have a joyous and blessed day
Melissa B

First ask yourself what do you hope to gain by sending her an email? Are you expecting her to change?

If her behavior really bothers you, a kinder approach is not to lecture her on the bible especially when she has not asked for your advice and she likely considers herself an expert on it. Give her a chance to hear you without getting defensive and just tell her how her actions make you (and others) feel.

I would simply say:

It really bothers me that you seem very material and possessive of your possessions.

You might not intend to be this way, but you say things such as "We do not like people touching our stuff." This comes off as hurtful and I think it is a contradiction to the Christian values in the bible. I understand that certain items you have are cherished and need to be treated with care and respect. But please trust that your loved ones, including my family, will not intentionally misuse your things.

... You can even say something like...

We are trying to teach our children the value of sharing.

... Also an email might be too impersonal. You might want to have a conversation so she doesn't take what your saying as a insult to her and instead she is innocently hurting your family and your not sure she is aware.

Just my thoughts!
B.

K.,
I am a little confused as to why she is "materialistic". Maybe that's not the right word. And it sounds to me like the questions is not whether you are right or wrong to be upset. She hurts you and that is understandable, but maybe your approach could be finessed a bit. I understand that your faith is important to you, but try not to look at this in terms of a Bible verse. If she is bothering you, politely, and in person, explain not only that what she is doing hurts you, but why it does, and come up with some compromise and boundaries. Hopefully, if she understands where you are coming from and doesn't feel attacked, you can work it out. Broke sounds like she has the way of it.
ALSO, HEY OTHER MOMS! She was looking for some advice in a safe place. Let's respect that and not attack.

Kill em with kindness. You can find ways to gently point out things people are not aware they do without insulting them and therefore fueling the fire even more. Maybe turn the tables on her and make remarks of the same nature to her, if she doesn't get the point then maybe you should have a discussion with your brother regarding her behavior. Life is too short to waste time trying to fix those who don't want to be fixed.

I can relate on many levels. My sister complains about how our brother is the "golden child" and only is concerned with himself and that I am the "baby" of the family and get whatever I want (which is not true, I have to work my butt off for everything I get)....then if Mom comes over by me and not her, she calls and says things like "sure, don't come by me...I see where I rate" and expects EVERYONE to drop what they are doing to attend to her needs. When she had babies (they are 20 and 15 now) everyone pitched in to help her. I babysat very often for free. Now that it's my turn, she says she had her babies and has watched my 16 month old twice since he was born. And I hear the same...that's just Kathy, don't start any fights.

It is really hard to keep my feelings to myself. I often talk to my husband and mother regarding her behavior. In the end, I know that the way she acts is not right, but calling her on it would only satisfy me for a short time, and not change her at all. I think about the values I will be teaching my son. I will be able to show him (with examples) the right and wrong way to treat people. I can only hope that he will follow my lead and be a good person with understanding that everyone has different personalities. But I definately feel your pain. Hang in there, and I hope it helps to know there are others out there with the same issues.

P.S. She lives two blocks from me. I don't know what I would do if she were next door!!!!!!!

HI K.,
I did the same thing but it was with my aunt. At the time it was the only way I felt I could handle the situation. For me, unfortunatly, it didn't resolve anything but I did feel better after I sent it. I can only imagine living next door to someone like that! Yikes.
I agree with Sara, MOMS, Mamasource is for support NOT criticizing, judging, and condesending one another. Let's support eachother! Us moms are all we got! :)

K.;
I think that the truth is the best way. The Bible also says,"speak the truth in love". So, if she really loves you and God, she will eventually accept your kind loving words of truth. Materialism is something that our culture is inundated with and it is hard for some people to resist it's temptation. which is another Biblical truth.
Good luck or should I say, Godspeed!!
N.

I have to laugh - is her name Lisa? - sounds like someone I know.

I agree with Brooke. I also strongly agree that you should have spoken to her in person, as an email is very impersonal (especially if she lives next door) and does not allow her to respond/clarify. It must be a very hard situation for you, and it sounds like you've put up with it for a long time, now have just reached your breaking point. Kudos to you for making due for so long! Did you consult your husband first, since this is an in-law? Would it have been possible to have your husband talk to her husband, thereby taking an indirect route and letting (perhaps) less impassioned people help tackle the problem?

At any rate, sounds like you've already sent the email. No going back now, and no use beating yourself up over what's been done. What will be your next step? What does your husband think? Do you feel like you should see her face-to-face to apologize - at least for the fact that it was an email - and clarify that you still feel that her actions are hurting your family/kids? Also, I don't know if I would have used the Bible argument unless I was very deeply Christian myself (even tho' I understand she is). She could pass this off as someone who doesn't know the Bible interpreting it incorrectly, etc. Stick to what you know and feel for yourself - how her actions are affecting you, how she comes off to others (she might not realize), etc. Try to be an understanding listener, try not to criticize. The best you can do is try to have her hear you.

Another option is to change only what you can - your OWN behavior. If things don't change with her after your confrontation with her, what can you do? Would you/your family feel stongly enough about this matter to not go over to their house any longer, just meet at your house/neutral places? Have you considered any options there?

GOOD LUCK!!!!!

K., this is pretty long, but I've done what you did, and hope that my experience can help you too.

It is so hard to live with relatives that close, especially if they exhibit bad behavior. It isn't the easiest to talk face-to-face, but it is probably a healthy thing to do. Now that the email has been sent, it's too late to worry about that, however, it has opened the door for you to have a courageous conversation.

If she seems totally offended, I would start by apologizing for offending her, than say "it just concerns me that you are so protective of your things."

This attitude she has is not wrong in her mind and just because you attend church doesn't mean you don't have sin issues to deal with. This problem goes deeper than just materialism. Is she the oldest in her family, or an only child? Did she have some tragedy in her past in which all her things were lost, or was she spoiled rotten all her life?

Open the dialog with the question why? You certainly aren't a therapist, but understanding this may help you to see her in a different light. It may not solve anything, but really we can't change people (as much as I've tried). Only God putting conviction in hearts or allowing trials to strengthen our character can truly have a lasting impact.

Pray for opportunity to speak with her. And pray that the relationship can be mended and be stronger, or pray that your brother will find a fabulous job in another city : ).

Hi K.,
OK,My advice to you would be: Move.........Nobody needs to live THAT close to a relative. Market the Hmong community and sell your house by owner, make a HUGE profit and UPGRADE to a nicer house and nicer neighbors.

I think that will solve EVERYTHING.

Good Luck!
J. N

Without more info and background, I can't tell you if you were right or wrong, and truth be told, only God can judge.
What is the context of her saying "We don't like other people touching our stuff"? Was she referring to something expensive, a family heirloom, a couch from the 70's, or were there children around? Was it truly THEIR stuff, or was it HERS? Regardless, if it is hers in any way, shape, or form, it is her right to say who gets to touch what.
We teach our children to "look, don't touch" and "ask before you touch or take". At the same time, we also teach our children to share and take very good care of things (toys) that are precious to them and not let other children play with them so they don't get ruined or broken. The same should hold true for us as adults as well.
As others have pointed out, she may not realize she was hurting or irritating others. Would you have liked someone to blast you with a personality flaw of yours you weren't aware of so cruelly? How would it make you feel?
I think you owe it to your relationship with your brother (and the rest of the family) to apologize to both your brother and his wife for being so cowardly, judgmental, cruel, and hypocritical.