Selfish

Your follow up explains a lot. To you she is your little girl that you want to love you - to her you are an absentee parent that she probably harbors a lot of resentment for.
If you want to have a relationship with her get professional help.

Good luck.

And yes, in addition to your specific problems, 16 is a pretty selfish age.

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I don't have a teenager, but I remember being one. And yes. I was selfish. I think I was a nice person in general, but looking back, I can see that many actions were for selfish reasons. I think that is normal for the most part. Teenagers are trying hard to find their place. My parents continued to teach me good values though and it did rub off eventually. As for the lying, I don't know what is normal or not. Hopefully someone with teens can offer you good advice here. For me, I went through a period of compulsive lying that was related to emotional problems. I was sexually abused by someone from 10-12 and that is part of how the stress manifested itself. I told my parents and with their support and counseling from 13-14 I started recovering. The lying stopped. But healing is a slow thing. I still had my rebellious moments and even ran off to get married at 19 (still happily married at 31 thank God). I have discovered over the years that my sister (who lived with the abuser, not in the same home as me) is a compulsive liar, and she slept with anything that looked at her sweetly for years. Her father was convinced I was lying and refused to get her help. I'm not saying your daughter is being abused, just that if it is compulsive lying, that maybe there is some underlying emotional problem. It could be that it is in reaction to trying to accept rules from someone whom she hasn't lived with until now. Most teenagers would rebel against that, like being told what to do by a non-parent. She may resent you or feel abandonment. Counseling for BOTH of you might be beneficial so you can learn to work together.

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It is normal for SOME 16 year-olds, definitely, but not all.

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If your daughter has not been living with you try not to expect to much. She probably does harbor some hard feelings and she definitly is not going to listen to you. Need to earn a teenagers respect. I would start slowly by taking her out to lunch a few times a week and ask her about her life and be interested in what she says. Probably the first few times you will get nothing. But what you are actually doing is creating a relationship and a friendship. Dont be condisending, not be critical (wow cant spelltoday). Just listen and be friendly and do not expect to much.

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you have gotten some great advice! Here are my two cents....

I don't know the details of your separation from your daughter, but try to be realistic. Most teens ARE selfish, but how do you think she views you? I have no idea what the circumstances were, and you were probably doing the best you could, but no matter what they were that you did not have your daughter in your home..........even if you were imprisoned somewhere.......she probably see's you as pretty selfish for not raising her. Fair or not, this is very possibly a reality. Have you heard "People who live in glass houses should not throw stones?" Back off from judging your daughter and with any luck she will come to know you and let go of any judgements she has made about you.

Don't give up on her, don't judge her, just be accepting and loving.

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Could be normal. Can you supply more detail? Describe a specific incident?

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What is unusual is, if she isn't. It is hard to see, but some is adolescence, some just being a rotten kid at times and, maybe the weather. Never too late to set some standards. take time to define selfish and explain that Selfish is not invited into this home. also, enroll her in some sort of volunteer work at an elementary school, inner city or helping servie of some kind. Hope that helps.

That sounds about right.

YokaReeder.com- she'll explain the whole thing, and how to fix it!
best,k

Yes that is the teenage hormones talking and maybe a mixture of environment and influences as well as innate tendencies. I have a 15 year old who is sort of like that, but more less lazy and a smart mouth.

I have been reading some of the answers and wanted to add a different perspective. My parents were not strict, I did not have a lot of rules, etc. and I was not selfish - in fact I was a dream compared to what the other kids were doing. I believe it is more about what you learned/were taught. I notice a lot of young people these days lack empathy - if you cannot put yourself in someone else's shoes how can you be anything but selfish? I learned empathy at a very young age and it prevented me from ever treating other people badly - I wish I could tell you what my parents did to instill such important personality traits but I think it is a result of so many factors that it would be impossible to go into in this forum.

Yes - a lot of 16 year olds are selfish. I don't know why you weren't in her life - but I agree - she probably does harbor some hard feelings about it. It sounds like she needs some RULES, and consequences for BROKEN RULES. First of all - when I was a teen - I wasn't even allowed to date before I was 16, and then the prospective guy had to make a special trip to the house to not only meet my dad - but be approved for the date! It paid off in the long run - as I had very few boyfriends in school, and the ones that I did have - were very respectable, respectful young men. I also had a BED TIME - the entire time that I lived at home, while in school I had to be in bed by 10:30, my grades were monitored - and if they weren't good then certain priviledges were not allowed (no after school fun, no weekend dates etc). There was not dating on week nights, and on the weekend - I had a curfew. If someone that I was out with wanted to do anything after 11 pm - it would have to be done in the living room at my parents house because certainly boys were not allowed in my bedroom either. I had a job at the mall in high school as well - if those grades weren't up to par that would have been cut out too! When my friends were getting cars for their 16th birthday and subsequently wrecking them within months - I had to save my $ and buy my own car, which I drove for 2 years and sold for almost the same price that I paid for it because I cherished it and took very good care of it. My neighbors used to laugh at me and say that I was going to wash and wax the paint right off of it! Once my car was paid for - I started saving $, and actually bought my own first house when I was 19!
To me, it sounds like this girl is spinning out of control. Unless you're prepared to be a grandmother, and she is prepared to be a mother - she better get some structure in her life and some self respect, as well as respect for authority. Good luck - I certainly don't envy your position! I'm quite sure that his parents are tired of having her there too. If she has an "entitled" mentality - she most likely isn't contributing around there in any way by buying groceries, cleaning house etc.. They most likely are getting sick of seeing her sitting around, lying around sucking face with their son and "playing house" at their house at their expense. I can't understand why they let this happend to begin with - what kind of parents might they be? If these kids want to "play house" - I say - let them get jobs and start pricing an apartment, groceries, utilities, transportation, insurance, etc... Maybe then - they will appreciate being a MINOR CHILD and understand that we all should have some kind of boundaries within which we should live.

I would suggest you watch the show "Worlds Strictest Parents". The show takes kids that are acting out and places them with a family who considers themselves to be very strict parents. In nearly all of the shows I have seen, the teens were obscenely selfish- and the host family usually incorporates volunteer time for their family at homeless shelters or Habitat for Humanity and it REALLY opens up the kids eyes. I'm not suggesting you sign up for the show, but maybe you should look around and if there are any places for her to volunteer. If you find some places, contact them and let the person in charge know what is going on and that your child may be resistant and see if they will work with you. I'm willing to bet they will. If that doesn't work out for you..... sign your kid up for the show :)
Jen

Sososo selfish yes. Sixteen year olds and three year olds have that in common, and it will pass fairly easy with just a little direction. The lying on the other hand is a potential problem. Most kids fudge the truth a little here and there but are honest over all.

You are not alone - our 15yr old is the SAME way! It can be difficult - we question everything she says and/or does. I don't like that feeling at all.

Have you tried counseling?

Are you kidding - the world revolves around 16 year-olds, don't you know that? Just kidding - well, sort of - yes, I do think that it is normal behavior from a 16 year old, however unfortunate it may be. Mine are 3 and 4 (girls) and I'm not at all looking forward to them being teens!

sometimes kids have it hard determining who their real friends are, and we as parents must remind them, that first and foremost we are their best friend on top of being their parent and we wouldn't give any advise to them that would land them in any trouble, will we ever turn our backs on them or live them out in cold...we have their best interest at heart...good luck withher opening up to you, take it slow(sort of speak)