Seeking YOUR Meaning of "To Do Someone a Favor"

My dear, I am in my 60's and have a little experience in life. I can tell you that it is a cruel thing to be married to someone who considers that everything they do for you is a "favor" and never does anything out of the kindness of their heart. Doing someone a favor implies that they a) are indebted to you, b) unworthy of your unconditional love, and c) placed in an inferior position to you.

You don't say how long you have been married, but you say you are in "constant disagreement" about this. It sounds like your husband is trying to tell you something! Perhaps you should get some counseling and try to find out why it is so important to you to be in the superior position in your relationship, and/or argue over semantics to the detriment of your marriage...before it is too late.

Believe me, your two little boys will appreciate having two parents who, if anything, compete to outgive each other with love, compassion, and self-sacrifice. They need to be in a harmonious, secure, and loving environment...and to grow up knowing, by an example set by you, that they will be loved and lavishly cherished by their wives. Do unto your husband as you would have your boys' wives do unto them!

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There are bigger issues here than "what is the definition of a favor".

Attempting to leave the house with the kids with the loving intention of giving him some quiet OR "punishing" him for sleeping in by taking off and doing something fun without him?

OR why is he accusing you of "taking off" if you're "just" leaving the house with the kids to "give him some quiet".

Examine your reasons for leaving and/or have a deeper conversation with your husband to find out the real reason you're arguing about what constitutes a favor.

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Wow hot topic, and is sounds like you are getting more advice than you are asking for!
I must agree with your hubbie. Just because you are doing something "for" him that is not a favor, that is an act of kindness and love. I do things for my husband because I want him to be happy and feel good. If I can do little things to make his life better or more enjoyable than that brings me joy.
Don't get me wrong...I ask for favors all the time! Like get me water when we are in bed, or change the third dirty diaper in a row (we try to swap), just silly stuff like that.
But I feel I am getting the same kindness from him, and that is key. We feel we have a balanced relationship, give and take.
This is probably more than you are looking for, and we - mommies are reading more into your post than necessary.
So in a nutshell...I subscribe to your husbands point of view here.
Good luck! He will probably love hearing all these women say he is right...hee hee

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Dear A.,
Hmmmm. You got a lot of responses on this one. I wonder why the definition of a favor makes any real difference. Would he have been just as upset if you said, "I simply thought the kids and I would go out so you could get some rest." (?) Whether or not you used the correct word to explain yourself should not be such a big issue, in my opinion. I've had a broken leg and if I got upset every time someone said, "I thought I'd do you a favor and mow your lawn for you" or "I thought I'd to you a favor and bring over a pot of stew so you don't have to cook tonight", I'd be mad all the time. I'm too busy being appreciative as opposed to mincing words.
Maybe you and your husband should just agree to outlaw the "F-word" in your house all together.

Best wishes!

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The definition is...an act done out of goodwill or generosity, but it sounds like semantics is the least of your worries.

It sounds like you were trying to do something nice for your husband (forget the word favor for a minute) and why he finds that so unbelievable is what you should be asking. It sounds like there's something going on much deeper than this one 'favor'.

Good luck. I wish you all the best, D.

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wow. all i read was your update. that sounds a little intense. seems to be he does not fully understand you and that you would want to do something like this...like he doesn't believe you. i actually don't have any advice other than get to the root of the problem...what ever that may be. or maybe he needs to figure out why he wouldn't believe you. good luck.

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As far as I'm concerned, doing someone a favor is doing something nice for them, whether or not they asked you to do it. ("I was going by OSH so I thought I'd do you a favor and pick up the paint you needed.") However, it does need to be something that they want (if I pick up the paint because I'm nagging him about repainting my sewing room, I'm not doing him a favor.) I'm not keeping a running tally of what I've done for him versus what he's done for me because in a balanced relationship, the favors even out over the course of the day/week/month/year (sometimes it takes a while!). So--are you doing this freely and lovingly? Are you expecting repayment? Are you making him feel guilty that he isn't coming with you? Or upset that you're doing something with with the kids but without him? You and your husband need to talk about this and why each of you is responding in the way that you are, and then try to understand the other person's response. Establishing who is "right" and who is "wrong" isn't important, but you need to learn to understand and respect each other's responses, and try to accomodate one another. Good luck.

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You and your husband are arguing about semantics, when the actual issue has nothing to do with the meaning of "to do someone a favor." Obviously your husband is hurt by something, and the meaning of "to do someone a favor" is irrelevant. Why don't you get down to the REAL issue, and discuss the thing you two are really upset about.

So forget about the meaning of those words, and ask him why your leaving the house would upset him. Then discuss THAT.

BUT -- if you want to get technical, I think a favor is usually requested. But, like I said, and like Shane said below, why not stop using the word favor altogether and then you can talk about what's really bothering you guys.

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My first thought is that it's a favor if someone asks you to help. Webster's defines favor as follows: To help, assist, support. Any act of generosity, goodwill etc.; as, he asked her to do him a favor.

Webster's definition took what I thought would be a simple answer and blurred the defining lines for me. So, the written definition is pretty broad, but I believe the social definition is it's a favor if someone askes or if you are doing it to help them. But, not to accuse, just for the record, I do not think it is a favor if someone is keeping score.

This brings to mind the following questions for me: Why does it matter whether or not it is a favor? Are these "favors" things that you would do for him anyway or are you doing them only because he has asked for your help? It seems there may be an underlying issue. For example, "favors can cut into time needed to take care of children, help with homework, etc.

Moms tend to get overloaded and often times the many, many tasks we complete daily do go unnoticed or are taken for granted. Are these favors for your husband taking time away the many duties/tasks you already have on your plate that keep the house and family functioning? Don't forget that it's okay to say, "No." :-)

Question: Would either of your definitons change if, just for a few days, you did not follow through when you "think of doing something for him"? Just a thought. Maybe, worth a try?

I hope this response has been helpful to you and your family.

P.S. After reading your clarification statement I would like to add the following:
One of the nicest things my husband does for me is he takes the kids outside when I want to take a nap or sleep in on the weekend. It ensures I get total rest rather than interupted sleep. Mr. "S" should give you a great big hug, kiss and thank you for thinking of him. An opportunity (which means a benefit to you) to "get out of the house" would have been more along the lines of leaving him to watch the kids and you go for a nice walk by yourself.

I agree with your husband. If he didn't ask you to do it, it's not a favor. I don't feel that I'm doing anyone a favor if I do something for them just because I think it would be nice to.

Hello A.,
I can relate to "favors". People depend on me everyday. Its one thing if its for the family,& a difference for friends. Im a taxi for football boys for my son's team. My roommates are lazy, but they have me go to the store for them. For a man, I do believe its laziness. Men don't appreciate women as much as they should. If you don't think a "thank you", I don't see it as a favor. Men can be demanding also. If you do something without being told, that is "out of the goodness of your heart". There is a difference between favors, & doing things without being told. Many women would agree with you. Good luck, G.

Hello,

I am in agreement with your husband on this one. I've always considered a favour to be something you do when someone asks you to.

I would have to say that if someone asks you to do something, then it is a favor. Not the other way around.
Like I will ask my husband to do favors for me while I am
at work, and he is home. If I get lucky, he won't forget.
W.

Hi A.,

Your husband is right....but I would continue to be kind.

Blessings....

I agree with your hubby. It's not a favor if he didn't ask for it. It's simply something you chose to do.

For example, I've sewn a patches into a couple of shadow boxes for guys who retired at my hubby's work. I did that as a favor to him because he asked me to. I'm under no obligation to do that task otherwise. It's for his work, people he works with, is something HE volunteered for and is therefore HIS responsibility.

I guess my question would be why are you keeping score? Or does it just seem that way?

I also agree with your husband, but, I think his response was rather controlling and while it wasn't a favor it was a thoughtful thing for you to do and it bothers me that he couldn't see that. I wonder whether part of it is that women tend to think of these sorts of things to do for their spouses but it doesn;t seem it works the other way around. For example I always get our daughter ready in the morning and my husband take her to day care. He has never asked me to help I just do it so he can get out the door on time. last week he stayed home and I went to work and so took my daughter. Did I get any help getting her ready no. Now I expected not to have to ask but I think we often expect that and it seems that with me you have to ask. I asked for some help as he was about to go out back and he was very happy to help. Why he couldn;t think of this on his own I don;t know.

C.

This issue sounds like something from the old "Men are From Mars" book. For those of you who read it the men and women kept different point systems. From your posting, it sounds like this is happening in your home. Is the question really about favors between the two of you or is your husband always doing favors for other people and not doing the things you need to have help with?

There does seem to be something other than the question of what a favor is, try digging a little deeper.

I have got to say, I agree with your husband on this one. Doing someone a favor is always defined by the person asking for help first. Doing nice things for other people carries with it the assumption that the person wants you to help or do the thing for him/her. Just b/c it isn't a 'favor' doesn't make it any less nice or kind, it just isn't really a favor. The act of asking for help with something or explaining to another person where you need help is a part of a relationship that has the potential to create vulnerability and intimacy within that relationship. Those who act 'self-sufficient' and never ask for favors are usually those who are afraid of that kind of intimacy in relationships. Conversely, some people do favors for others with a 'hidden agenda' and that is to make others dependent on them, to earn their love, or a variety of other things, such as to be more 'in control.' (Check out the Mary-Martha dynamic in the Bible--there's a lot to learn there about intimacy and letting go in order to show that you are devoted and intimate and not only just 'doing' for the other person.) To wrap up, acts of kindness are far from bad! If they are done out of a love and enjoyment for doing something nice, they still aren't favors...but they sure can be kind and loving.

I agree with your husband on this one. It's not a favor unless someone asked you to do it. If you do it on your own without being asked - then you just did something that you wanted to do... even if you happen to know that someone else will appreciate it. The thing is that you can't know what the top priority items at any given time are for another person. You may make the kitchen spotless but maybe your husband felt that taking the trash down to the cans in the garage was more important. Thus you did what you wanted done, but not necessarily what he wanted done. So in order for it to be a "favor" it has to be something that someone asked you to do.

I didn't get a chance to read all your responses, so if this is a double, then I'm sorry. I agree with your husband that it is not a favor unless he asks you to do him a favor. I think what you are doing is being a caring, considerate person and putting your husbands needs before your own, which is nice. Maybe if you just changed to wording and say (without the attitude I tend to say it with to my husband) that you are "doing something nice for him" or "thought I'd give you some space since you have done so much today." I think when you say it's a favor you may be implying that he needs to pay you back sometime, where if you are doing something nice just because, you're doing it because you love him.
I hope this helps, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who has these types of disagreements with their spouse.
Happy Turkey day!!!!

To win someone’s favor you have to do something that pleases them in some way. If you guess and they are indifferent then you have not done a favor.

This is why most people usually wait to be asked a favor so they know they will get it right no matter what. If someone asks you to do something out of the goodness of your heart with no further compensation but their gratitude then yes, you are doing them a favor because it will please them.

If, however you just pick at random something you think may please someone, it's not really a favor in my humble opinion. It's more an act of generosity or kindness that may or may not win that persons favor.

It is the recipient of the act that will determine how favorable the act is to them. Some people don't like things done for them without asking.

I know when my mother tries to do me "favors" it really drives me up the wall. Like when she makes appointments for me at the hairdresser because she thinks I need a haircut and perceives that if she makes me the appointment it will be one less burden for me to deal with. Little does she realize that I actually like my hair the way it is and am, in fact, trying to grow it out. Or when she comes over to my house and cleans it up and I can no longer find my spoons. These kinds of "favors" are not appreciated.

However, when I ask her to do me a favor and she does it splendidly, I am seriously grateful and appreciative.

Continue to perform little acts of kindness and generosity but remember, it's only a favor if you know it's something the other person wants very much. You can determine this by asking or being asked.

Hi A.,
I have to agree with Elaine C on this one. There's definitely something deeper going on here or this disagreement would not be an issue. Do you guys frequently disagree about other things as well? I don't want to trivialize your concern and question, but it seems like disagreeing over the definition of "favor" should be a very minor issue. With guys, you have to spell everything out for them. Yes, I think they could figure things out for themselves, but we're made differently and I just don't think guys want to bother with trying to read between the lines like we're so good at. My husband has told me several times, "just tell me what it is you want from me because I can't read your mind". Be honest with him. Sit down after the kids are in bed and have a heart to heart. Tell him the things that are hurtful to you, like not being appreciated for the little thoughtful things you do for him every day. Tell him it would really help if he would just say "thank you" a little more often. We love our men and we love to take care of them. It's in our DNA! But needing feedback for it is important to us, and that's something many men don't realize. You may even have to point out what it was you did for him to realize you've even done something. I know it sounds sad, but I think they honestly don't notice the little things unless they're told. So if it's just a little acknowledgement you're seeking, you'll have to tell him, I think. My humble opinion as a wife of nearly 8 1/2 years and 4 children later.
God bless!

My husband and I have exactly the same disagreement. If I point out to him something I did for him, he usually tells me, "I didn't ask you to!" Not that he doesn't appreciate it, just that he doesn't want me to feel like I HAD to do whatever it was. I have chosen to view those things as "gifts" that I give him. Sometimes, if I am feeling a bit under-appreciated, I will give him a heads-up by saying something like, "Oh, I noticed that your phone needed charging, so I took care of it." I usually get a more positive, grateful response from that and both of us feel more loved and taken care of.
The truth is, as much as we wish it to be different, men sometimes don't notice the little helpful things that they could do. Women are generally better multi-taskers than men and realize what "extra" things need to be done sooner. Just try not to keep score, and be honest and specific with him when you need a "favor."

putting on my 'amateur psychologist' hat for a moment - it sounds like the disagreement isn't over the definition of "favor" so much as it is over whether each of you understands each other's point of view. What I'm hearing is that you try to do some things for your husband and feel these things are unappreciated because he says he didn't ask for them. And - I'm just guessing here so I apologize in advance if I'm totally mis-reading your question - perhaps your husband feels reluctant to acknowledge the things you do as "favors" because to him that word means that he's expected to do something in return? Do you think perhaps the two of you could reach a compromise by changing the wording a bit - like, the next time you do something for him, he doesn't have to think of it as a "favor" but he *should* acknowledge it (e.g. "Thanks for.....")

I think I agree with your husband. A favor tends to be something that you do if someone asks you to do it. When you do something for someone without them asking that tends to be an act of service and kindness (something that we all need to do more of for each other, especially in our own families).

That's my two cents :).

Hi A.... I have to agree with your husband on that. When you do something not specifically requested (besides normal housework,etc) you are volunteering yourself. If he requests you do something for him and you do it, then it's a favor. Hope this helps... Sincerely, CJ

Does your husband at least appreciate your kindness? Why does it matter if what you do for your husband is labelled a favor? Are you guys keeping a tally? If so, you have bigger issues than the definition of "favor." I hope you and your husband will figure out what is at the core of this disagreement, as I doubt that it's really semantics. If you're feeling underappreciated, talk about that, not the definition of favor. For the record, I tend to think of a favor as either something you do when someone asks or as something you do because you know the other person needs to do it, but you offer to take on the task/burden, such as when your hubby needs something from the store and you will be nearby, so you offer to get it for him. However, here is the definition of this type of favor from Dictionary.com: "1. something done or granted out of goodwill, rather than from justice or for remuneration; a kind act: to ask a favor." Again, though, are you really arguing about dictionary definitions. It sounds to me like you need to agree that arguing about the definition of favor isn't really productive. Get to the heart of the issue -- why does this matter so much to each of you. What is really going on?

In my opinion, doing someone a favor means you expect reciprocation. Doing what you think is wifely is not "doing a favor", it's doing your job (for lack of a more romantic way of putting it). Doing kind things for someone you love is NOT a favor, it's an act of Love.

I agree with your husband on what a "favor" means. If you're asked to do something, it's a favor. Otherwise, it's just doing something thoughtful for someone else.

well it is hard but I think he is right .usually a favor is something some one does ask of you when they need something . however you can call it a suprise.or an act of kindness. the biggest thing is that does he tell you he appreseated it.because every one likes a thank you. It usually makes me feel good to do something extra or special for someone. But if they just come to expect it it no longer fun. good luck S..

How about both of you just do kind things for each other because you love each other and not think about whether it is a favor or not? I bet the more kind things you do for him "just because", the more kind things he will do for you.

As much as I hate to agree, he's right. Now, the fact that he is unaware of all the "favors" you do for him is more irritating. While many others feel you should continue to be kind and thoughtful, I take the other side of the road. Stop doing "favors" for him and let him see for himself what he isn't being expected to do.

I do want to hear what you decide and how it goes.
Stephanie

This sounds like you and your husband are looking at what is in the 'favor bank' and not wanting to 'owe' each other. both of you are right, but why is this important? when you do him a kindness are you expecting one in return? are you telling him you did him a favor to obligate him to do something for you? if he asks you for a favor he is requesting help with something. when you do the help/favor is he thanking you? it's not clear if you are differing on what a favor is or if you are at odds over friends and partnering.
personally, i ask for favors. if a kindness is done for me without my asking it is not 'doing me a favor'.

If you are keeping "score" or "trcak" of what you do for him it really isn't a favor. Sounds like you mentally record what you do and are keeping a mental tally. This may be why he doesn't consider a favor an unrequested action. A true favor is done without an expectation of reciprocation.

Hi A.,

Sorry to say, I have to agree with your husband. I tend to do things for people that I feel will make their life a little easier or make them a little happier. It makes me feel good. If they ask me specifically for something (big or small) then it's a favor because there's the option of telling them no. If they didn't ask and you just do it, then they had no idea it was something to expect from you.

I know it's something in my nature to do little things for people and it seems the same for you. Don't think of this as a bad thing or that you are being taken advantage of since a lot of times there is no reciprocation. It just means you are a caring person and that is NOT A BAD THING!! The world needs more people like you.

Have a blessed day.
N.

I'd have to go with Page. The real issue is not the term favor, something else is going on in your marriage. But, to add my two cents, I believe a favor is requested, an act of kindness is not. I do a lot of little things for my husband and for my family, I don't consider them to be favors, as sometimes favors are expected to be re-paid. Maybe he does not want to feel like he 'owes' you one. The whole 'what she said is not what he heard' issue. There is an excellent film out in theaters now on marriage, my husband and I both really enjoyed it and it impacted our marriage & what it means to have these vows we made. Anyone can email me directly for more info.

Although I get plenty frustrated when I do not receive any acknowledgment of doing something for him 50 thousand times, whether it be packing a lunch, cleaning up after him, paying one of his bills, I still agree that all things should be done out of the kindness of ones heart & should be done because we truly want to help the other person. I don't like the word 'favor' because it carries the connotation that the other person owes you for doing something for them. I pack a lunch for the boyfriend because he won't do it himself. It's not really a favor because he really could care less if he had a lunch to take to work or not. Evaluate the favors you do; are they really favors, or are you doing the things your priorities tell you he should be doing?

your message caught my eye as I am here multitasking. Checking emails while also ironing my husbands shirts. I decided to respond because I was thinking of you while ironing. I am sorry to hear you and your husband are at odds over the definition of "doing someone a favor". I am ironing my husbands shirts because he asked me to if I had the time...a favor? yes but most of all because I love him. If I iron his shirts without him asking me...a favor?...yes...but because I love him. So I guess I do favors because I love him. Whether he asks for it or not should not be the focus. I am doing these things because I love him and want to show him and I want to simplify his life as much as I can. That is love it doesn't matter what you call it.

I think it is doing something nice for someone if you just think of it and it wasn't asked for, but if someone asks you to do something for them then it is a favor.

A.,

Sounds like a typical man problem. I suggest not doing any more "favors" for him. Maybe then he'll start to notice how much favors you really do, do for him.