N.V. asks from New York, NY on August 30, 2012
Seeking Support from Other Mommies
I discovered in May my husband of almost 10 years cheated on me. Affair was for 2 months but he believes he loves her (she is newly married with no kids). We have 2 young children and as distraught as I am my priority is family and felt with therapy and intense repair we could overcome. It's been a painful summer as we process the implications of his actions and he is still undecided about what he wants. I believe he wants out of this marriage but doesn't want to be that man who cheats and abandons his family and we have been on the brink of separation/divorce all summer. He is very successful and is the sole provider and, aside from the emotional trauma, I am now panicked about how to support our lifestyle if we divorce. But the most shocking part of it all is playing out this week as I just discovered I am 14 weeks pregnant and was completely blind-sited. I am on the pill and don't get monthly periods. I took pregnancy tests twice earlier in the year after starting this pill but my OB assured me many women stop getting periods. Logically without periods I kept thinking I was pregnant but after 2 negative tests I convinced myself it was all in my head. I had minor to no symptoms all summer (we conceived the week before I found out about his affair) and assumed my fatigue and difficulty running was due to depression. I thought I felt movement and had breast soreness and discovered this shocking news. I feel I have no choice given that my husband barely wants to be accountable for the 2 children we already have. I made the impossible decision to terminate this pregnancy. Even if we/I decided to have this baby our marriage could not handle another child in good times since the imbalance was too great and now we face risks since I was exposed to daily hormones in the pill as well as alcohol use throughout the summer. Please reframe from harassing me on this decision, which will be irreversible by this afternoon. Just looking for support and guidance during this surreal time.
L.U. answers from Seattle on August 30, 2012
Oh my God...PLEASE do not read "the proper care and feeding of husband's". If you want to make it work and he doesn't want to make it work....IT WONT WORK! It doesn't matter how hard you try to make something work if your husband is out having an affair.
I am not going to harass you about your decision, but I truly believe it is the wrong one. Your baby will FEEL this abortion. There are lots of mothers...single mothers...who have made it work with 3 kids. I know you are upset by your husband's actions but that is not the babies fault. Please reconsider.
11 moms found this helpful
☆.A. answers from Pittsburgh on August 30, 2012
First of all, I wouldnt wait for my husband "to decide"!
Regardless of the impact on my "lifestyle"...I'd be more concerned with the impact on my kids.
Oh...sorry...but I threw up a little when I saw yet ANOTHER reco for Dr. Laura's drivel-filled book! Instead, get yourself a bank account
10 moms found this helpful
T.F. answers from Dallas on August 30, 2012
I am sorry you are going through this.
At some point during this turmoil, you must have been trying to improve things in order for you to conceive.
It takes 2 to conceive and even if your mind is made up and you are going through with your decision... remember... he is still your husband, he fathered this child and he has every right to know about the preganacy and termination of pregnancy.
This "secret" could backfire on you with major consequences if you end up in divorce court and he finds out you did this behind his back.
Just be honest. You will be in my thoughts today.... Good wishes are sent your way.
Best wishes to you.
9 moms found this helpful
C.A. answers from Washington DC on August 30, 2012
When I walked into the clinic, I was already regretting the decision. They took me into the room and stuck a vaginal probe inside me to look at the baby since it was so early. When I saw the baby on the monitor i really really wanted to keep it. It was my first child. The ultrasound tech confirmed the pregnancy and they started the procedure immediately. I was so scared.
I chose to have the abortion with out being anesthetized because it was 300 dollars cheaper (!!!) I felt EVERYTHING. It literally felt like a lawn mower was chopping up my insides. I was SCREAMING and crying and asking them to stop and they said it was too late. The nurse put her hand over my mouth and squished it really hard and said,"STOP screaming, you are scaring the other girls!" I tried to bite her hand, I hated her.
After the abortion I became severely depressed, I developed a deep hatred for my ex even though we attempted to stay together for another year or so. I started college and got mononucleosis, from stress. I lost a ton of weight and was so sick I could not move. The only thing I could do was lick my lips. I ate and drank nothing, I cried for my baby constantly.
My brother just had a baby and I could not even be happy for him, I never went to see them and it pushed us apart and to this day we never speak.
I already had some form of A. eating disorder before the abortion but after I lost all the weight from the mono it consumed me. I started binging and purging a lot and would run too much. Drank a ton of caffeine and continued to indulge in my depression. It was easy because I lived alone.
I pushed everyone away so I could be miserable, and started looking for a new man....
I let a man that I thought I was in love with 8 years ago talk me into A. abortion. I wanted to keep the man more than I wanted to save another humans life and for that, words can not describe how much remorse I feel. I wanted to keep the baby and he talked me out of it (really?!!!) I can tell you that I dislike my self so much for making that decision. I was about 5 weeks along when I had the abortion, and I terminated the pregnancy 3 days after I found out I was pregnant. I was single, 24, had a good job, wanted to start going to college and could have raised the baby. I should have a seven year old, right now. To this day I still do not understand why me being the (so I thought) good, nice person that I am did not even consider adoption. It was out of the question for me at that time. It is amazing how stupid I was at 24 and how that decision affects me today.
Please reconsider the abortion. Adoption? You only have 26ish weeks to go. could you carry the baby to term and then give it up for adoption? I am not harassing you, I promise I will support you on wither decision you make. Please continue to get counseling so you will be sound in your heart about your decision for you other 2 babies. I am so sorry you are going through this. ((((((((((())))))))))))
8 moms found this helpful
J.S. answers from Columbia on August 30, 2012
During the toughest times of my life, it was easy to think of the mountain to climb, the jungle to slog through or the ocean to swim. It let me escape my present by throwing a pity party about how terrible my future could be.
I had to learn to stay present. Just focus on what needs to be done in the next hour - next five minutes - next step forward. The mountain/jungle/ocean will still be there, but you make progress by moving through it, not by getting lost thinking about the mountain/jungle/ocean.
8 moms found this helpful
M.R. answers from Chicago on August 30, 2012
I am sorry you are going through tough times. And I am really proud of you that you put your kids and family first, and decided to make tough decisions for yourself, because you feel it is best for your kids.
My opinion might perhaps differ from few other people, but let me tell you this. If I were going through what you are going through now, I'd perhaps do the same thing.
I will not bring in a child into this world, knowing -
- my future (emotionally, financially, and socially) is uncertain
- I don't know if I'd be able to support my 2 kids already
- bringing in a child into the world is a responsibility of both the mother and the father. If the father does not seem to support the idea, then the child is better off going back to God, waiting for a better time to come into the world again
- Whether you get divorced, or keep up with counseling and both of you work on your marriage, I am sure it is going to take its toll on you and your children. I'd rather be there for them completely, before committing to more.
Yes, maybe 10 yrs down the lane, I'd feel sorry that I had to let one child go. But then, I'd also think that by doing that one sacrifice, I was able to make the life of my other 2 children better, by being there for them. I did not put them through unknown times, and I did not let them suffer for their father's mistake. Yes, life happens. We all make choices, good and bad. The real test of courage is not making the choice. It is living with the choice without regret.
I wish you lots of strength, and good luck. Hope you are able to resolve your troubles soon, and stay strong!
7 moms found this helpful
J.W. answers from St. Louis on August 30, 2012
TF brings up a good point. As someone who went through a divorce I can tell you that the courts do not take kindly to termination of pregnancy without the husbands knowledge.
Most states are no fault but there are times where they do still consider actions. If he finds out and has an attorney worth his fees all he has to say was I was working on it until I found out she killed my baby and you can kiss any chance of spousal support goodbye.
What I am saying is you may want to consult an attorney before you do anything. I only know how this plays out in Missouri but if it is similar in New York you could be setting yourself up for real trouble. I hate sending people to attorneys but in your case it may be a good idea.
6 moms found this helpful
C.B. answers from San Francisco on August 30, 2012
I am so very sorry you are going through this. If I read the post correctly, the "other woman" is newly married? Wow.
I have had two abortions so I would never think to harass you about the decision you have made. If you truly feel that abortion is the right thing for you, then you won't have any regrets going forward. I never have.
Hugs and prayers for you and yours during this difficult time!
6 moms found this helpful