Seeking Support from Other Mommies

Oh my God...PLEASE do not read "the proper care and feeding of husband's". If you want to make it work and he doesn't want to make it work....IT WONT WORK! It doesn't matter how hard you try to make something work if your husband is out having an affair.
I am not going to harass you about your decision, but I truly believe it is the wrong one. Your baby will FEEL this abortion. There are lots of mothers...single mothers...who have made it work with 3 kids. I know you are upset by your husband's actions but that is not the babies fault. Please reconsider.
Laura

11 moms found this helpful

First of all, I wouldnt wait for my husband "to decide"!
Regardless of the impact on my "lifestyle"...I'd be more concerned with the impact on my kids.

Oh...sorry...but I threw up a little when I saw yet ANOTHER reco for Dr. Laura's drivel-filled book! Instead, get yourself a bank account

10 moms found this helpful

I am sorry you are going through this.

At some point during this turmoil, you must have been trying to improve things in order for you to conceive.

It takes 2 to conceive and even if your mind is made up and you are going through with your decision... remember... he is still your husband, he fathered this child and he has every right to know about the preganacy and termination of pregnancy.

This "secret" could backfire on you with major consequences if you end up in divorce court and he finds out you did this behind his back.

Just be honest. You will be in my thoughts today.... Good wishes are sent your way.

Best wishes to you.

9 moms found this helpful

When I walked into the clinic, I was already regretting the decision. They took me into the room and stuck a vaginal probe inside me to look at the baby since it was so early. When I saw the baby on the monitor i really really wanted to keep it. It was my first child. The ultrasound tech confirmed the pregnancy and they started the procedure immediately. I was so scared.

I chose to have the abortion with out being anesthetized because it was 300 dollars cheaper (!!!) I felt EVERYTHING. It literally felt like a lawn mower was chopping up my insides. I was SCREAMING and crying and asking them to stop and they said it was too late. The nurse put her hand over my mouth and squished it really hard and said,"STOP screaming, you are scaring the other girls!" I tried to bite her hand, I hated her.

After the abortion I became severely depressed, I developed a deep hatred for my ex even though we attempted to stay together for another year or so. I started college and got mononucleosis, from stress. I lost a ton of weight and was so sick I could not move. The only thing I could do was lick my lips. I ate and drank nothing, I cried for my baby constantly.
My brother just had a baby and I could not even be happy for him, I never went to see them and it pushed us apart and to this day we never speak.

I already had some form of A. eating disorder before the abortion but after I lost all the weight from the mono it consumed me. I started binging and purging a lot and would run too much. Drank a ton of caffeine and continued to indulge in my depression. It was easy because I lived alone.
I pushed everyone away so I could be miserable, and started looking for a new man....

I let a man that I thought I was in love with 8 years ago talk me into A. abortion. I wanted to keep the man more than I wanted to save another humans life and for that, words can not describe how much remorse I feel. I wanted to keep the baby and he talked me out of it (really?!!!) I can tell you that I dislike my self so much for making that decision. I was about 5 weeks along when I had the abortion, and I terminated the pregnancy 3 days after I found out I was pregnant. I was single, 24, had a good job, wanted to start going to college and could have raised the baby. I should have a seven year old, right now. To this day I still do not understand why me being the (so I thought) good, nice person that I am did not even consider adoption. It was out of the question for me at that time. It is amazing how stupid I was at 24 and how that decision affects me today.

Please reconsider the abortion. Adoption? You only have 26ish weeks to go. could you carry the baby to term and then give it up for adoption? I am not harassing you, I promise I will support you on wither decision you make. Please continue to get counseling so you will be sound in your heart about your decision for you other 2 babies. I am so sorry you are going through this. ((((((((((())))))))))))

-C.

8 moms found this helpful

During the toughest times of my life, it was easy to think of the mountain to climb, the jungle to slog through or the ocean to swim. It let me escape my present by throwing a pity party about how terrible my future could be.

I had to learn to stay present. Just focus on what needs to be done in the next hour - next five minutes - next step forward. The mountain/jungle/ocean will still be there, but you make progress by moving through it, not by getting lost thinking about the mountain/jungle/ocean.

:)

8 moms found this helpful

Dear mama,
I am sorry you are going through tough times. And I am really proud of you that you put your kids and family first, and decided to make tough decisions for yourself, because you feel it is best for your kids.
My opinion might perhaps differ from few other people, but let me tell you this. If I were going through what you are going through now, I'd perhaps do the same thing.

I will not bring in a child into this world, knowing -
- my future (emotionally, financially, and socially) is uncertain
- I don't know if I'd be able to support my 2 kids already
- bringing in a child into the world is a responsibility of both the mother and the father. If the father does not seem to support the idea, then the child is better off going back to God, waiting for a better time to come into the world again
- Whether you get divorced, or keep up with counseling and both of you work on your marriage, I am sure it is going to take its toll on you and your children. I'd rather be there for them completely, before committing to more.

Yes, maybe 10 yrs down the lane, I'd feel sorry that I had to let one child go. But then, I'd also think that by doing that one sacrifice, I was able to make the life of my other 2 children better, by being there for them. I did not put them through unknown times, and I did not let them suffer for their father's mistake. Yes, life happens. We all make choices, good and bad. The real test of courage is not making the choice. It is living with the choice without regret.

I wish you lots of strength, and good luck. Hope you are able to resolve your troubles soon, and stay strong!

7 moms found this helpful

TF brings up a good point. As someone who went through a divorce I can tell you that the courts do not take kindly to termination of pregnancy without the husbands knowledge.

Most states are no fault but there are times where they do still consider actions. If he finds out and has an attorney worth his fees all he has to say was I was working on it until I found out she killed my baby and you can kiss any chance of spousal support goodbye.

What I am saying is you may want to consult an attorney before you do anything. I only know how this plays out in Missouri but if it is similar in New York you could be setting yourself up for real trouble. I hate sending people to attorneys but in your case it may be a good idea.

6 moms found this helpful

I am so very sorry you are going through this. If I read the post correctly, the "other woman" is newly married? Wow.

I have had two abortions so I would never think to harass you about the decision you have made. If you truly feel that abortion is the right thing for you, then you won't have any regrets going forward. I never have.

Hugs and prayers for you and yours during this difficult time!

6 moms found this helpful

I have a marriage that survived an affair, so it can happen. Whether your husband is willing to do the work he needs to do to fix this mess is up to him. Counseling and intense focus on the marriage, as well as unending patience for you and your need to heal from the affair is tantamount. If he can't do that, you might as well kiss this marriage good bye.
I support your choice to end this pregnancy, and I think you are making the right decision. Is someone going to be there to support you physically after the abortion? Your body will need a lot of rest to recuperate. You will need a shoulder to lean on, both physically and figuratively. Much love to you during this difficult time.

5 moms found this helpful

They don't call it a "Rock and a hard place" for nothing.

I am sorry you are faced with this situation (all around) but step back and be thankful for what you do have to help get you through this time. It sounds like you and your husband have had to really think through this and weigh the options. No one comes to a decision like this lightly and just know at least one of these mamapedia ladies in cyber-space is going to be praying for your situation.
XO

5 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like you know what your husband wants, out of the marriage but he doesn't want to be the man who cheats and abandons his family. So... he is selfish but cares what other people think. Knowing his character, find a good attorney who can get adequate spousal and child support so you can take care of yourself and your children. I also would reconsider the abortion. You have so much going on and the pregnancy hormones add to the emotional upheaval. Like so many things in life, the abortion can seem like a quick fix that causes more regrets and difficulties later on. I hope you are able to find peace in the midst....

5 moms found this helpful

You are making the best decision for you and your family right now. And it is your decision to make - not that of Mamapedia moms. The vast majority of women do NOT experience any sort of long term regret following abortion - there has been plenty of research on the topic. Most experience simply a feeling of relief.

That said, it sounds like you need to start looking for a job pronto. While a judge will award you child care, very few award spousal support and when they do it is virtually always for a very limited period of time. This does vary state by state.

ETA - I was assuming your husband is aware of the pregnancy. If you are asking for a divorce, I would say whether to tell before the abortion is completely your call to make. If you have any interest in remaining married, telling him first would likely be a good idea. If you don't, it will be an issue he will throw up to you for years and years. Remember, it is your body and he does NOT get to decide whether you terminate or continue this pregnancy. You do.

ETA - abortion does NOT predispose to breast cancer. It's long term health effects (statistically virtually zero) are substantially less than the short and long term health effects of pregnancy. Let's just use facts please.

*The NCI has addressed this issue - more recently than any of the 'facts' quoted by Becky R's reference*. They conclude - abortion does NOT cause breast cancer.
http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Risk/abortio...

4 moms found this helpful

Oh boy, this is a toughie. What an unfortunate situation for you, I can't help but feel sympathy for you. I understand you have children and he is the sole provider but above all, you really have to think about yourself too. I think you are making a responsible decision by choosing to terminate the pregnancy, specially because your marriage sounds like it may end anytime soon. It is a very difficult decision you are making, but you are very brave to make it. Try and be strong.

As far as the financial portion of your marriage goes, he has to be liable for the other 2 children. You said he's successful, he should have no problem paying up. You have been a stay at home Mother all this time. It sounds difficult, but not impossible. Marriages end all the time, it's only a period of sadness, time heals everything. You will be okay. Sending positive vibes your way.

Also, not sure if you mentioned or not, did you tell him you were pregnant? Keep us informed.

4 moms found this helpful

I realize this is your decision and you will have to deal with the implications of it, and I'm not in your shoes so I can't imagine what you are going through.

I just wanted to be someone to throw out a vote of confidence that you can take care of yourself and your children. It must seem impossibly hard right now, and if he has been the sole provider, no wonder you are panicking. Just please look at the big picture. I hate to think that you will regret the abortion 2, 5, 10, 50 years from now. Things seem crushingly hard right now, but later? You are stronger than you realize and you may look back on your life and wish you had known just how strong you were and how you could have managed this without ending a life.

I am truly sorry all of this is happening. I hope you find the strength and hope that you need.

4 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry for you in your situation. Its horrible. Seek marriage counseling. Look for a marriage counselor that is really a marriage counselor. Many people put out a sign and open an office that says "Marriage Counselor", but they are really divorce counselors.

You need to work on repairing your marriage. I don't know why he went astray and violatred your marriage covenants. You didn't say. Talk with him. Has he said why? Get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." You will learn a lot about men. Watch the movie "Fireproof" and get the book, "The Love Dare" and follow its instructions. Don't put added strain on your marriage by "cutting him off". Abstinance does not make the heart grow fonder.

Get off the drugs and cork the bottle. Neither helps you to find your way through this delema you have found yourself in. You need your wits about you.

Contact a lawyer or financial counselor. Set some money aside so that you can survive for at least 90 days in case you have to. Don't stash it in your home as it could be found. You said he doesn't want to be responsible for the children he already has. Why? Work on that. Have opportunities for him to play with his kids in a proactive/happy setting.

But your child did nothing wrong and doesn't deserve capital punishment. Give him up for adoption so he can have a wonderful life. If your husband finds out you killed the baby he fathered, he could use it against you in a divorce and the judge may be inclined to his favor.

Good luck to you and yours.

4 moms found this helpful

Go out and get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." You have to fight for your marriage for the sake of your kids. You owe that to them. With the help of the book, you can become the woman that he wants to come home to. It will be difficult to look past the affair, but there are people who have repaired their marriage and are so happy they did. The alternative is so much worse. Picture your kids having to live in two different homes, probably with a new "mom." You will have no control of what they are exposed to there and how they will or will not be disciplined. You will have your husband in your life until your kids are grown, so you might as well have him on your terms. Just keep putting yourself in your kids' shoes. What would they want to see and experience? You can make that happen. You have the power. (The book will show you how much.)

3 moms found this helpful

Abortion is a very personal choice and you will make the decision based on what you know, emotionally, mentally and physically holds true for you. You are in the midst of a storm and need to start making decisions for YOURSELF based upon what YOU KNOW. I know you are hurt and were blindsited by the affair and the pregnancy, and I'm sorry that you are going through this, but look at your facts. He had an affair. Can you and do you want to forgive him. Is it worth fighting for your marriage after a summer of therapy that didn't seem to work. Do you want to subject the children to parents that really do not get along. He is unsure still? After 10 years together, you know your husband as well. Make your decisions on what you know, not some book or therapy that does not move you forward or peoples different opinions on abortion. Good luck on whatever you choose that works for YOU.

3 moms found this helpful

You will get through this and I think you're doing the most realistic thing. A reason I didn't want a 3rd child was bc I thought it'd be too much strain on my marriage and we weren't in your situation. You need to take care of yourself and your children who are here. People disagree but I don't think bringing a child into a very difficult situation is the best thing for that child. Life is hard enough without starting off in a crisis type situation and very possibly a broken marriage. I look at it that no one knows they weren't born... But once a child is born, they have to live that life and if it's not going to be a nice childhood, I would have rather skipped and not been born. Also, your current children will have enough on their plates and need you. With a baby, you won't have enough to give. Absolutely not everyone who has an abortion regrets it at all. I have heard of people having more than one!! Not a good thing but that's not my point. I know people who do not regret them at all. I'm sorry you're dealing with this though. I think there is a chance to save your marriage too. Counseling can be very effective. Best wishes.

3 moms found this helpful

I am sorry.

You will get through this though and I agree with your decision.

Keep your chin up.

3 moms found this helpful

First, since I have never been in your situation, I am not going to judge you or advise you. You are making the decisions you need to make to get yourself, and your two existing children, through this moment. Dad On Purpose's suggestion to stay present is important. Please, keep going to counseling, if only for yourself, so that you can get some support and guidance from someone who knows you better than we do.

Sending you strength and wishes for resiliency.

2 moms found this helpful

Wow-you have been through alot already. I myself have been in your situation before to a certain degree. My husband never actually went through with the affairs but he attempted-hurts just the same I think. We are still together and it has not been easy but I can tell you that through God it was possible and I don't see how it would have been without HIM. I understand that some people choose a different route than religion but that is what has worked for me so I share.
I suffered a miscarriage/presumed ectopic pregnancy almost 2 years ago. It is your decision on what you think is best for you. I can understand your point of view but for me personally I would allow God to take care of the pregnancy-it happened for a reason and if it's meant to be then the rest will follow is my thinking.
Your husband is bouncing you in lingo-well maybe I do want to be with you or maybe I don't. I know it will be hard because I have been there too faced with all the financial aspects of it all and the other woman. I bet you that the other woman won't commit and that is the reason he won't make up his mind about his relationship with you. It comes down to this-if the woman is more important to him then he needs to go but if he values his relationship with you and wants you to forgive then he needs to stop the see-saw.
You have every single right to demand a decision from him-DO NOT have this discussion when emotions are high or anger is apparrant. Sit down like two adults and let him know you want a decision one way or the other. Let him know you are willing to be patient enough to try and work things out with him but do not allow him to puppet you anymore or your children for that matter.
I'm so very sorry you are going through this and just know you are NOT alone on this. A website that helped me was dailyworth.com it has a support group for people like us and for just about anything else you can think of.
I pray that God can intervene in this marriage just as he intervened in mine. Its a very long road but you also need to start making demands too and stop allowing him to lead you on. Perhaps he doesn't mean too but in the end that is exactly what he is doing. Also you need to realize that it takes two to make a marriage work....if he isn't willing to cut off ALL contact with this woman and concentrate on working on being translucent to you-then it's time to make a decision because obviously his is already made. You and your kids are WORTH and should be valued more than what he is giving. Everyone deserves a second chance however he needs to realize that his actions will have consequences however I say that carefully -it doesn't mean you make his life a living hell for the rest of his life here. Forgive but you may never forget. Forgiveness is more for you than it is for him.....let it go and give it to god. I agree with some of the other postings get the book called the love dare. I pray for you and your family. I really hope that you could choose life for that unborn baby-there are just sooooo many other options out there although I agree its your decision just know God placed this here right now for a reason. Perhaps this baby is supposed to get you through the most difficult time of your life. Perhaps this baby is meant for another family that has hoped and prayed for. I know you have to do what is best for you but I sure wish that God would send you some sort of message to change your mind-he doesn't make mistakes when it comes to children.

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Please call Option Line 800-712-HELP for crisis pregnancy counseling. There are serious physical, emotional, and psychological consequences to abortion. (for the poster who denies there's a link between cancer and abortion, www.optionline.org does list references to medical studies that support the association between breast cancer and abortion)

Please explore your other options. If you're describing the decision as "impossible" perhaps you're still having doubts.

For those who say women don't regret or have difficulty after abortion, then I have ask, why are there so many post-abortion healing ministries out there?

2 moms found this helpful

Big ((HUGS)) to you!!!!

I'm sorry your going through all this. Keep focusing on the big picture and keep remembering you have 2 young ones relying on you for support. Whether you stay with your husband or not you can get yourself through this!

2 moms found this helpful

Hi - I had children 4 and 6 when I caught hubby cheating. The divorce was difficult but I am so much happier now with an honest man who loves me. Being a single mother is exhausting. I can definitely help you through the process if divorce is what you want. I was so upset I lost 40 lbs after I caught him. I would probably do the same thing in your situation. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

I really hope you canceled that appt. I'm sorry for what your going through and I don't want to give you a hard time but my God 14 weeks is far along to be terminating. You thought you felt movement?? I don't know how you could go through with it:(
Anyway your husband has committed a very awful act, I wouldn't join him in that category. Hopefully something made you change your mind. He's undecided?? What an a$$hole I'm sorry I wouldn't even try to make it work. His heart is obviously not in it. If he makes such a good living try to get him for alimony. It's 5 yrs in CA, but wait til the 10 yr mark if you must. I hope things get better for you. I would track down his new love and inform her new husband of what she's been doing.

2 moms found this helpful

I am sorry about the situation you are in.

You have some life decisions to make and make now.

My friend was a stay at home mom to her 2 kids. They decided before she ever got pregnant that she would not work.

He has had numerous affairs over the years and left her last summer, a year ago. He moved out of her house and in to his latest girlfriends house.

When he filed the papers a few months later he asked for custody, child support, spousal support, that she pay all attorney fees and court costs, she pays off the property and all bills from the marriage.

He got custody of the kids and she has sort of liberal visitation. The only reason stated in the temporary decree, that I have seen for my own eyes, is that she was not able to financially support her children. She had enrolled full time in a college program nearby and was making good grades. They judge did not see her as able to support them and told her she could not have custody basically because she did not have a stable income that would support her children.

So my advice to you is that you go now, start looking for a job. If he moves out tomorrow and files for custody you may be looking at losing your children. It is happening more and more and more. Judges are finally giving the men more rights and favoring them. For a long time it was the woman who got everything in the divorce that they asked for, now it's the men.

Even if you guys work things out you are going to find that you get a lot emotionally out of having your own life outside of the home. Not only will it allow you to have your own income it will allow you to have friends that are not tied to him, activities that are not tied to the kids, plus getting to do something for yourself.

Terminating the pregnancy is probably the right thing to do in this case. I am not pro abortion at all. I do know that I could not have one for myself but I do have family and friends that have chosen that for themselves. I feel bad for you because even if this is a willing decision you will mourn for that child that you never get to hold.

As hard as your life is right now you need to protect yourself. When cleaning house my friend found her hubbies mail stash, you know, that shelf where you sit everything that you will go through eventually but just not right now? Well, when she was cleaning she found his. She found bank statements from bank accounts she did not know about, she found credit cards bills for cards she did not know about, his whole hidden lifestyle is there. He's stating he can't pay the house payment and he is having to file bankruptcy due to her lifestyle. He makes over $8000 per month.

They have their final court hearing in October. Their temporary hearing was in February, that's when he was awarded temporary full custody. He has not paid a penny of the utilities, the house and land payment, turned of her cell phone and kept the number on a cheap phone that he lets sit in a drawer, and he actually called child welfare on her after turning off the gas the day his children went for her 2 week summer visitation. She had found out it was off early in the day and had got her mom in California to use her credit card to pay the new deposit and charges so it was back on when they showed up but still. What kind of man does stuff like that.

You hubby can and will probably make life hell for you if he ever files for divorce. If he doesn't and is able to work things out with you then it still would be good for you to have a job and be able to save money so that if this ever happens again you'll be more financially stable and able to support yourself and the kids.

2 moms found this helpful

I have been there with the husband and the affair. We went back and forth for a year before ultimately separating. He wasn't sure what he wanted either, which for us, made counseling pointless. I felt very out of control as I felt I spent so much time reacting to his choices. There were days that my greatest accomplishment was breathing. I made the mistake of sheltering my children too much from the entire situation (however they were a lot older).
It is truly a surreal experience. It's been three years and I will still occasionally have moments where I wonder how I got to this point.
Good luck in moving forward - either together or on your own. Both are very difficult choices. For me, I finally had to realize I couldn't be the only one working on the marriage. His priorities had changed and it took me even longer to accept that he no longer was the person he had been before the affair.
Please PM me if you have any questions or just need a moment. I am very sorry for the position you're in.

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I am terribly sorry you are going through this and also very sorry that some of these mamas are giving you such a hard time. Unfortunately there are certain hot button topics, ie abortion, breast feeding, working versus staying home, etc., that turn into referendums. People cannot help themselves. I know everyone means well though, so I hope these responses, even if just a few, are helping through this extremely difficult time. Take good care of yourself and your kids. Keep us posted.

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Wishing you all the best as you make your decisions and sort through things with your husband. Definitely talk to a divorce lawyer and do some counseling for yourself.

Whatever happens don't second guess your choice afterwards. Know that you made the best choice for you and your kids, given what you know and your current situation. We only have one life to live.

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I don't blame you, dear, and I don't judge you for this.

I do worry that the judge won't give you custody of your two children because you don't have a job.

I'm so sorry. I think that you must go out and look for employment so that you can have custody and get child support.

I don't know about your state, but in many you need to be married for 10 years in order to get spousal support. I hope your marriage makes it to 10 years. Keep going to counseling with him and try to make it work to get to at LEAST that point if this is the law in your state.

So sorry.
D.

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I had a pregnancy test and a blood test that both came back negative as well it wasn't until 20 weeks that i knew i was pregnant and i had drank a little too and the baby was just fine. I'm writing in concern for you and your future what seems like an easy decision now will not be for the next twenty years when you realize what age that baby would have been at that moment. Having child is never easy but i have spoken to many mothers years later that say that unplanned child literally saved their life. I'm sorry that you feel you have no other choice. But putting everything else aside money, marriage, just looking at this life without all these other complications is it really worth changing the course of Gods plan in your life? God be with you during this time. I'm sorry.

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I really feel for you. Look after yourself you are going through a terrible time.
Time to ask for help so you can take some time out in the next few weeks to physically hear and mentally recoup.
As an outsider looking in (oh so easy) I agree that a 3rd child will add incredible pressure to an already fragile situation. You don't need anyone's permission to do what you feel in your heart is the right decision for you, your children and your future.
Just get through the next couple of weeks without changing anything if you can and then talk to your husband about couples counseling. You need some answers before you can think about repairing the marriage if that's what you both want. You might think about talking to someone privately to help you process your thoughts.
Most divorce lawyers will tell you both not to do anything for at least 6mths.
But I'd suggest talking to one to find out where you would stand financially so you feel less vunerable. It might make your husband realize the fantasy is over and this is the ugly reality.
Is he living with you now? I'd ask him to move out this week and let him have some time to think about what leaving his family means and how he feels about that.
Take one day at a time and try not to worry about multiple scenarios that may never eventuate. You'll just worry yourself sick.

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