Seeking Parenting Advice

Hi M..
Me being a Love & Logic mom (and & L&L teacher) I know of many things we can try to raise the odds of responsible behavior. Yes, taking stuff away can get there attention, but it can also give them more reason to focus on your reaction to there life, rather than start focusing on there own life.
I've been studying L&L for about 8 years now and I know that there is not much I can tell you in a post about what to do in this particular situation, but my guess is this is not your only trouble with your daughter, we all can have troubles "controlling" our teens, that’s because we can not control them, and they are discovering that, and your 10 year old is watching just how much control you don’t have.

But the good news is, we do have control over something, its our selves. Kids need us, more than they wished sometimes. So while you cant tell her what to do, you can tell her what you will and will not do.

But its wise to never jump into a new idea about parenting. Learn about it first, think about what your values are and strategize, then slowly put things into practice.

I'm a more advanced love and logic parent so I can easily tell my son when he says he wants to drop out of school "OH Really, Hummm, that’s interesting. So what will you do?"
He may say "Invent things and be rich" and we can talk about his ideas on inventing things.

He may say "Get a job"
Then I say "Great! I could use the Extra Money"
"what do you mean"
"Everyone living here is either going to school rent free, or paying rent. I could use the extra money, it will be XXX dollars a month plus XXX for food and utilities" and if he says "I'm not paying that" I can say "Talk to you about it another time" (let him do the thinking).. and if he says "I dont care" I say "Good, then we're both happy". and walk away.

A L&L parent avoids arguing at all costs. Once you argue, you send a very strong message that "I have Lost all Control but I Don’t Know What Else To Do Soo I'm Trying This hoping It will Work"

Kids intuitively know that, and they love it.

L&L parents know that "Anger and Frustration feed Mis-behavior",

Have you ever had someone get upset over a decision you made, regardless how dumb it may have been? What did you do. Naturally people go into "Fight or Flight" they loose there ability to think from the "thinking" part of there brain, and they start thinking from a part of there brain stem. (that’s why teenagers are usually out of there mind, because there quite literally "Out of there Mind" there not thinking in there mind, there thinking in there Mind Stem.
I've yet to hear a Teen say "You know mom, when you put it that way, it makes so much sense, thank you from stopping me from doing something so stupid that would affect the rest of my life"
No
Instead, when you tell a kid what to do, what they should have learned, or what will happen, Its like a little radar goes off in there head and they Dedicate the rest of there life proving that they have learned NOTHING".

So anywho....Never argue (Big key)
(Which is taught in L&L, especially in the classes I teach which we call the C-O-O-L Formula)

Learn what it means to give love and empathy followed by a a consequence (preferably a natural consequence)

You see, I give my son tasks I know he can handle, hope and pray he totally blows it, give him love and empathy, and re-assign the task.
It shows I trust him to figure out HIS way to get the task done.
Its like giving up control to gain control.
If he asks for advice (Never give unsolicited advice) I use a "Straw Man" meaning I never tell him what I would do, or what he should do, I talk about what other kids have tried. He can envision it in his mind better, and he's not connecting anything to me. Then I wish him luck with his decision on what to do and send him on his way (hoping and praying he blows it)
Then when he comes to me, I never tell him "I told you so" or "well if you would have..."

I just say "Aww sweetie, I'll bet that hurt, I love ya"
(giggle) and I get to be the good guy. Because he knows the only person to blame is him self.

The road to wisdom is paved in mistakes. I want him to make as many mistakes "While The Price Tag Is Still Small",
Parents that cushion the consequences of kids bad choices raise kids who are constantly making bad choices.
Would you rather your daughter have a 35 dollar radio repossessed? or a 35,000 dollar Car repossessed.

Well, I'm going on and on now, but I have a passion for L&L, and if you’re interested more on what love and logic is.
Here is a link I think you would like. Listen to the Funny Parenting stories to get an Idea more on what L&L is and the Tone they use. Its definitely put the fun back into parenting for me.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/audioclips.html
There's a lot of good information on that site, and they have packages you can buy for a discount that are age appropriate (I own almost every CD)
And I use Love and Logic on my Boyfriend too (giggle)
L&L has worked like a charm in my life (mostly to save my sanity but it teaches my son Life Skills and we have a wonderful relationship which I don't think we’d have if I did it with my best thoughts.)

Sometimes building a loving trusting relationship with kids can open them up to maybe some underlying issues that may be going on as to why they don't want to go to school, maybe a kid picking on them, they are insecure with there out of control changing bodies. They don't understand a subject and instead of realizing they don't understand it, they just think there stupid (which there not).

A quick strong recomendation, Dont work harder for your childs life than she is. That too sends the message that she is in controll. There are plenty of natural consequences she can experiance, you dont need to lecture her, threaten her or warn her. Just give a STRONG dose of love and empathy, followed by the consequence, this should be her exaustion, her put-out, not yours. Send her the message that no matter what choice she makes about her life, you will continue to enjoy your own life. Thats when there life becomes more real to them, because moms not going to bleed for me, if I draw blood its going to be my own blood, I better be careful.

Anyway, feel free to e-mail me if you love L&L and ever want to talk more about it. I have a 13 year old boy with ADHD. So I understand.

3 moms found this helpful

Dear M.,

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this all on your own. Isn't it wonderful that we have websites like this to help each other. First of all remember you are a good mom, you love your daughter and have done the best you know how. Unfortunately when our kids lash out like this we usually doubt and blame ourselves. Each of us are accountable for our own decisions. So you daughter is accountable for hers.

I have been reading this increadible book, (and it is under 200 pages) it is loaded with information about how our brains process and how it effects the rest of our body. My 15 year old son will be reading it over spring break. He does not get a choice. It is not a bunch of big scientific words and ideas. Anyone can read this and benefit from it. Dr Caroline Leaf from South Africa has done research since the early 80's on our brains and our thought process. The book is called "Who Turned Off My Brain?" I highly recomend it. I have her cd's-but she talks so fast and with her accent it is hard to listen so I found the book easier to understand. Here is a link to the website

https://www.drleaf.net/osc/

M., as I read most of the replies there was a lot of "we" do this "we" do that. I am not a single parent and can't even begin to understand the burdan you have to carry. All I can do is come along and offer you support and encouragement. One thing to remember our words are very powerful in someones life and in our own. Start taking control of your words. Rememeber God spoke this world into being-that shows the power of words. Think back in your life about words that were spoken over you. Speak edifying words over your daughters. Here is one final link that might help.

http://www.lifetoday.org/site/PageServer?pagename=bth_media

this should take you to a page where you can link to audio or video of Beth Moore's presentation on the power of words.

I will be praying for you.

God Bless

J.

2 moms found this helpful

I have 3 daughters, 18, 13, and 11. I know what you are going through. At one time or another all of my girls have gone through difficulty with classes and grades. We had to seriously crack down. The one was grounded until we saw proof that her grades came up. No phone, no activities with friends. We monitored her schoolwork each night. I know this is difficult to do, but in the long run it strengthened our relationship. Kids have a tendency to live up to what we expect of them. She knew that we would not expect less of her.

If the younger daughter wants to follow in the footsteps of the older, use examples from life. Look at Brittany Spears and her little sister who is now pregant! NOT a good example. Each is born to be their OWN person. Remind them that education is the one thing that can never be taken away. What they learn is what they have to carry with them throughout their life. It can take them far.

The attitude follows. Respect breeds respect. Teenagers can be a joy as well. I try to spend some individual time,a "Mom day", as a reward with each of my girls. We go to lunch, shopping or a movie.

Each day is a lesson for us as parents, as well as for the kids. Each child is different too, so we learn as we go.
The idea of being a good parent is to eventually put yourself out of business. When you have taught them all they need to know, they don't need you. - A.

2 moms found this helpful

This advice coming from a former high school teacher (11 years) gone SAHM: She needs attention from YOU. Has there been a chance recently? Do you have a new boyfriend? Are you working too much? Working weekends to make up for lost or "needed" extra income? Try taking a car trip with her alone and see what comes out in conversation. Car trip is easiest to talk because you aren't face to face; less threatening. If you can find the source of the problem and validate it (even if it is something you and I KNOW is unimportant, like a boy who won't talk to her or a catty girl who called her wierd), validate it and try to remember she needs her mother.
Best of luck.

1 mom found this helpful

positive reasons to do the homework will work so much better than negative reactions. with my 17 year old when we have an issue I have sit her down and ask her what she would do if she were the parent, that I want her to think about it and get back to me with a good parenting plan. sometimes she comes back with rediculously easy solutions, or more often some I think are really hard on her...I alwasy ask, will this help? If we instigate this plan, will it take care of_____(whatever the issue is) she is so much more likely to follow through when she set up the boundaries. And yeah, she screws up sometimes still but this is the time for her to fail. I never talk about issues I am angry or emotional about, I always say we will talk about this tomorrow. Even if I calm down I wait until the next day, I might say we'll discuess it tomorrow you might want to be thinking of a plan. And when I see her doing something ANYTHING she hasn't been doing, for example the bathroom might be a complete mess but she did take the towels to the laundry room. I thank her for taking down the towels. That is it. Her own guilt takes care of the rest better than I could. And she is learning to function as an adult. I'm not saying we don't have chores or consiquences for not doing them, or that she doesn't have to maintain her grades, she does, but she picks her consiquences and since we started doing this with her, our problems have greatly decreased and we have a pretty good relationship. She even took my arm in public last week-- it made my day. I leave little notes for her if her bed is made thanking her for doing it. Giving her credit for what she is doing instead of always focusing on what she isn't doing. It really turned our relationship around. I'm learning still--not perfect either but this really works for us.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.:

You need some intervention, quick! Is there a lot going on in your lives that is stirring up your kids and you? This sounds like an acting out teen who is needing attention and gets lots of it, by doing bad things. It still gets your attention, right or wrong. I'd advise some family therapy. It works wonders and it might give you peace of mind that your younger daughter will not follow in her sister's footsteps. Also, I had great results with my teen at Sylvan when her grades were tanking. It's expensive but it was worth it. Finally, your daughter's school should have an intervention specialist that you should contact right away. Sometimes, kids slip through the cracks. Get the school involved. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Dear M.:

Move to a new high school and relocate your daughters out of their crib if you know what I mean. My mom did this w/me when I was 14 yrs. old and I had to learn how to make new friends, better choices or she was shipping me out to my fathers or Grandparents. Talk about tough love, it saved me, I went to Jr. College got my AA degree bacame a bookkeeper and married when I was 30, now have two beautiful children of my own and know that tough love always works.

Good luck on your relocation! It will work, trust me. My mom called it relocating for a better us! She got a better job, better boyfriend which whom she married, we got baby sitting jobs and made money and got better help and grades. It's your environment, move out of it and make a change! It works! I hated her for 1 yr. but than things got better because I made new friends w/nicer girls who wanted to graduate and go to college, all my other friends at old school had no ambitions in life but to leach of their parents. Borring!

1 mom found this helpful

take away electricity, phones, ipods etc. it gets thier attention.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.: I am not an expert on childrens problems but I did raise 3 daughters and 1 son. When a child hates school it is most likely a social problem. Are there kids picking on your daughter, or does she associate with the bad kids (the ones doing drugs or alcohol), or does she hate her teachers? Her classes might also be too difficult. I would suggest that you sit down with her and have a heart to heart. Hopefully, she will tell you what the problem is and between the two of you, you can resolve the problem. Once you get the older child back on track, the younger one is follow suit, especially if she looks up to her big sister. Good luck! Debbie B.

1 mom found this helpful

M.,
if You find what she values very much and will set the rules up around it, this might make you think more clearly. Did she have a job yet? once she works hard for minimum payment, you will be able to explain her better that while having a good education, she can have a pleasant job, not so hard, and get paid 3-4 times more. She is in the state of "I-know-it-all" and "I-know-it-better-than-you, you-don't understand-anyways-as-you-are-another-generation", and if somepersonal misunderstandings come in, then double these common teenager's statements.
I can concole you only in a strange manner:
it will get worse. THEN, as the time will be passing, it will start getting better, and finally it will hopefully all dissolve into a good mom-daughter freindship forever.
Right now, though, you cannot get frustrated and act out of desteration. Right now< you NEED to tell yourself: Okay, dear mom (It's you) my dear girl is a teenager now, and it is a WORKING SITUATION, nothing to worry about, but to WORK on it hard. And hard it is, as all your own emotions are topsy-turvy right now...
One: work on yourself all the time, take it calmly, and think about possible solutions.
Your writing online is already a great step. keep seeking, and act cleverly, wisely, and lovingly.
Now, once you figure out hoe to keep your dear girl at bay, set the rules up lovingly.
Do not allow her to keep setting up the wall between yourself and her own world. Always relate, and say how much YOU AGREE with her IN GENERAL, but there are some little things to consider. She hates school: fine. Tell her couple stories how you hated school sometimes also, because this and that happened. Yet, if you dropped out of school, maybe this and that good thing wouldn't have taken place in your life later. Tell her that nobody said that life is fair and always easy fun. If nothing else, then the situation in the hateful school is a good tool to learn how to overcome difficulties and not run from the obstacles. At least that, but it is worth doing it. You just think clearly, not with desperation, as this is a NORMAL teenagers' attitude. In RARE occasions it does not happen. You have three little ladies growing, so you need a LOT of patience, to get through this time. Stay strong and loving, seek for answers, and work with love. By telling her how wrong she is, you push her even farther away. By shifting the conversation just a tiny bit, it will change a lot: first, always first thing in the conversation, tell her how good she is at this and that and how proud you are of her doing this or that (you can find this something, come on!) and then only, say what needs to be worked on more...
oh, it is not easy, i know, but you are very loving, strong, compassionate, caring, so you'll make it. Go for it firmly, and with love! Good luck, M.!

1 mom found this helpful

Her world is turned up side down with not having parents together and she is angry. Hopefully mom doesn't have a new boyfriend to take even more of the precious time away from the children who are in pain already, but is devoted to helping her children succeed.
Boyfriends can sometimes be abusing children right under your roof and they will prey on single mom's with children for their own gain. No men left alone with your children...ever.
Talk to her about how she is feeling and what you can do to help....listen, listen, listen and she will tell you what is going on. You can do this, just take the time and effort.
No you don't deserve a life as you brought these kids into the world without their choice and when they are raised then you can do whatever you want, but now is the time to help them through the hard times. You won't regret this as in the long run of life they are all that matters. I'm praying for your success.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.,
I can relate to what you are going through.
I am the single mom of two boys 12 and 14. My 14 year old son had been failing classes for the past three years. I used to tell him that if he does not bring his grades up in three weeks I would take his many privileges away, i.e. phone, lap top, bike, riding privileges in the car, home computer. I have switched that tactic and have stripped away all his priviledges once i discovered he is failing 4 of his 7 classes. I even took the door off his room for lying to me and hiding papers I needed to sign. I told him he can earn these privileges back through maintaining a C average in school. If he wants to continue to live in my house he was going to have to help me maintain a positive environment by working hard in school just as I work hard on my job to provide for him and his brother. I quit letting him see how his lack of performance in school upsets me and have basically put the ball back in his court. He now takes the initiative to study and is truly making an effort. I find reasons to praise him and it seems to be working. His little brother has all A's and decided he does not want all his privileges taken away so he's going to continue to work hard in school. We've been at this now for two weeks.I'm hopeful that by the end of the semester he will be back on track.
I wish you all the best in turning your daughters up the path of success in school.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm a single mom too. Every teenager I know wants a driver's license. Driver's ed usually starts when they are 15. I told my kids they had to work to help cover the increase on the car insurance. They also had to maintain a certain GPA or the insurance would be even more costly. It gets really expensive when they QUIT school. Just as it is in real life. The others will be watching. Now this is just for a drivers license,not for their own car.
Yes, I have been accused of being the meanest mother in the whole world.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.,

I'm not in your shoes, but I have some experience with teenage bad attitude and "I can't wait until I'm 18 and can do whatever I want" (sure dear, as long as you can afford it). My husband and I come from very large families so we've pretty much seen it all.

First, I'm willing to bet that it's not legal for her to drop out of school at 16, and if it is, I think you can have her declared an emancipated adult so supporting her is no longer your responsibility. You are obviously concerned and not wanting to go down that road. I don't blame you; I wouldn't either. I mention this because I think your daughter needs a "reality check". My suggestion is to try and find a "Scared Straight" program or something similar. Your local police department should be able to point you in the right direction. It may just be the "jolt" she needs. Her choice of friends may be impacting her attitude, particularly towards school. See if there are any clubs/activities for her that are constructive. Also, she's 14, if she fails she gets to repeat her grade. I don't know of any teenager who would want to be the only one left behind, especially when she'd be moving onto high school. That's enough to make most teenagers straighten up. Another possibility is that she thinks she's met her "forever love" and he's going to marry her at 16 and they will live happily ever after. A "Scared Straight" program should help burst that bubble as well.

Your love for her is evident and it is the most important thing in turning her around. She's blessed to have a mom who cares. Hang in there!

God Bless,
L.

1 mom found this helpful

I am by no means an expert. I do have 5 girls of my own. These are just suggestions. I know every family is different. These are things that have worked for our girls. We are very involved in our church. We go almost every Sunday. The girls go to their youth groups about once a week. They also are involved in sports. The practices take up alot of their time during the week. Then games on Saturdays. They have to maintain good GPA's to play. We make our home as structured and fun as possible. Once a week we have a "Family Night". We play games, go bowling, watch movies, talk. One daughter loves to sing and do photography. We got her a karoke machine and a camera. We just try to fill up their time with positive people and things. I don't know if any of this will be useful to you. I hope things get better!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.,

When my son was in the ninth grade, he too was failing most of his classes. He also said he was going to quit school when he turned 16. We fought constantly about school and homework. He had become a very angry teenager. We tried many things, including counseling. My miracle came when I learned about a local charter school. Because it was a public school, it costs no more than the regular public schools. I went to check the school out, talked to the principal and explained my situation. I told her my son was 'falling through the cracks' and I was terrified for him. She told me the school was made for people like my son. They had much smaller classrooms, no homework and a lot of discussion in the classrooms (less lecture). He didn't want to go, but I held firm. The difference was amazing. His anger went away. He actually looked forward to going to school. We got to know the staff very well. The faculty and students at the school became his second family. He graduated last year and has a full time job. He has even been talking about continuing his education! I don't know if there are any public charter schools in your area, but it is worth looking into. God Bless and Good Luck.

1 mom found this helpful

M. - Talk with the school counselor. Call the school make an appt. to see her/him. Talk with each of her teachers too to see where the issues are. It could be a learning disability or laziness. I would get their email addresses and email them to get their take. If you still havn't got what you need call the VP. Lots of love and encouragement are needed....the kind without enabling.:) Best wishes to your family!

1 mom found this helpful

I have a 14 year old to and she was not doing so good in school. But she started playing softball and she made the team it was the best thing for her you have to keep your grades up to play. This means so much to her that the school work is not a bad thing anymore and she has alot of friends. Find out what sport your daughter likes maybe that will make school more fun for her. I hope this will help you.

R.

1 mom found this helpful

have you contacted a group like Big Sister for a mentorship, you being a single mom must make it really hard to juggle everything. single moms need support and you deserve help. Being a teenage girl is harder these days so many expectations. Hang in there let your love shine for the girls...

1 mom found this helpful

a couple possibilites: move, get her dad involved. You need all the help that you can get.

good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

I agree, go hard core, we just took my sons mp2, psp, computer and his was only for one low grade, education is the one area next to the obvious ones where I don't play around, they only have one shot at their future and it starts with their education. I am going to sound harsh know, but grow a pair, lay down the law and stick to it until you see improvement. And if she still drops out then she needs to pay rent and 1/3 the bills, she wants to be grown up then she can act grown up and pay her way!

Also talking to our kids and reasoning with them is always a good thing, children should be given choices, but there comes a time when as the parent you have to lay down the law, it is for their best intrest even if they don't understand why know.

1 mom found this helpful

Do you know who her friends are? Talk to her teachers find out if there is something going on at school. Does she see her Dad at all?
What about other family? She is looking for attention try to find out why? If she won't talk to you see if there is someone she will confide in.
14 is a very difficult stage there is so much going on in their lives. She is obviously stuggling with something that she cannot talk to you about.
We had a daughter who went on drugs at 12 we have struggled until now when she has turned her life around. It has been a case of tough love. Now we have our daughter back.

1 mom found this helpful

M.,
What a hard thing to go through. I have not even gotten close to the teenage years and I'm not anxious for them either. I am offering advice as a third party. . . My mom went through this with my little sister. Basically, my sis wouldn't listen to anything or hear anything that my mom tried. Finally, she had to use tough love. She made her get a job and have a budget. She told her that if she wasn't going to get an education that she would have a hard time finding a job, keeping it and whatever job she found definitely wouldn't cover living expenses. She gave her a price she'd have to pay rent for her room, utilities, etc. No more money from mom and dad to go to the movies with. It was a long couple of months for her and she realized that being a grown up it tougher than she though. Well, in the end my sister decided staying in school for a couple of years wouldn't be that bad after all. She ended up talking to a career counselor about what to do in the future and decided she wanted a job from which she could "pay the bills" I don't know if it would work for everyone, but it worked for her. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.,
Might be helpful to find out what the girls are mad about. The rebellion is pretty obvious and you'll need to NOT hold yourself hostage about whatever your guilt may be.
Your daughters are excercising their muscles (and mouths, I'm sure) around their power. The part they don't yet understand is the long term results of being reactive.
If you need a conversation with a neutral voice, call me at ###-###-####, I WON'T charge you for the time. www.tag-youre-it.com, for more info. KEEP BREATHING! J.

1 mom found this helpful

I wouldn't say to pull away from your daugher because ultimately, even though she's a teenager, she still needs guidance and is testing boundaries. What she's learning while she's at home with you is what she will carry with her throughout life.

Be firm. Don't argue. First, try treating her like an "adult" and sit down with her and your check book. Don't be hostile, try to calmly explain what she's headed for and that since you are her mother and you love her, you want to help her avoid as much pain in life as you can. Show her how difficult it is with finances in reality. Explain to her, that without a decent education and a good work ethic, life is going to be harder for her than she can imagine. If this doesn't do anything, take away ALL luxuries....t.v., games, social time, cell phone, absolutely EVERYTHING. Let her know that you've tried to treat her with respect as an adult, but that she needs a hard lesson, and as her mother it is you JOB to prepare her for the world. Make her get a job and start paying for things and she'll see at least a glimpse of reality.

If none of this works, then get tougher. I agree with some suggestions below. Take her to talk with corrections officers, take her through bad parts of town, let her see what throwing away her future will really do to her.

No matter what, lay down the law with your 10 year old now. If need be, show her the same things, it might even make a bigger impact on her earlier.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hello M., I highly recommend you read, "How to Talk so Teens will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk," by Faber and Mazlish. The skills will help your teen open up so you can help her and your other children.

Trust yourself. You are the best mom for your children. ~T.

Hi M.,

I have a son who is a junior who is pretty much doing the same thing. He is in danger of repeating his junior year again. It is not that he is not smart, he just does not find school interesting. We have tried all sorts of ideas, and the one that seems to work for us is to just send him to job corps when he is 18. They will give him and education, teach him a trade and give him incentive money for good behavior/grades, and find a job for him after he completes their courses.

As for disciplining...I would just take favorite things away for awhile. Social life, computer (except for homework, monitored by you,) cell phone, are some examples.

Tell her as long as she is under 18 she will abide by your rules. Tell her she is welcome to get a job and move out at 18. Remind her that it now takes about $50.00+ to fill the average car with gas, and at minimum wage (w/o a diploma) is around $7.00 an hour. She would have to work around 7 1/2 hours just to fill up the tank. Food costs around $100.00 a month (not fast food.) Then you can add car insurance, personal expenses, and money to have fun with, which would be well over $100.00 a month. You might seek her counselors advice, and perhaps get her into a consumer math class which deals with these things.

God Bless you,
C.

Hi,
I would suggest vitamin B you can get liquid or cherry
flavored chewable tablets. A Chiropractor suggest this for
teens.
B.