I am in a second marriage with a great man. He has children from a previous marriage. My kids absolutely love him and think of him as Dad. His kids however have never approved of our marriage. When he visits them he has to go to their place, which is almost 3 hours away, because they will not come to us. A few lived with us for a while and since their mother had never disciplined them, they resented having rules and fought us at every turn. It caused trouble between my husband and I and we finally sent them back to their mother. They were abusive to my children and their father, and that is not accepted in this house. Even now when my husband goes to see them, they try to get him to stay and they cause trouble if my name or our marriage is even mentioned. His oldest son still lives with us. My husband feels guilty because he leaned on his son, to help with the younger ones while his ex-wife did nothing but sleep all day and night. This son is almost 21 years old and lives with us. He has no license, and never had a job. I forced him at 19 to get his GED and told him he had to either get a full time job or school so now he is in school, barely scraping by and taking bare minimum so he can stay in school longer. He sleeps all day on his days off, sometimes getting up in time for supper, then he plays on the computer or his Game Boy til bed. He doesnt help with the housework, other than dishes one night a week. This is one of the few things my husband and I fight about. He says all 21 year olds are like this. I say he feels guilty and just cant stand up to him. My stepson knows this and uses it to get his way because he knows my husband wont stand up to him. Any suggestions? Are other 21 year olds like this? Any advice from other moms in similar situations with stepchildren that despise your marriage?
Sounds like it might be time for some family counciling. Never easy blending families, we all think it should be because of the Brady Bunch. Ruby is saying a lot that is hard to hear, but has merit, so you may need to sit on that and read it again in a few days. Good luck and best wishes...
Before I responded to this, I read all the responses to date. My first concern is how is it affecting your biological children. They should come first, then yourself and then your husband. I understand that he is a wonderful man, but love goes so far.
This is not your problem, his 21 year old some should be given the boot and your husband should be the one to do it. It is your husband's responsibility to teach his son to be a man. I think he suffers from guilt which will get him nowhere. My advice is that you give your husband an ultimatum, that either his son goes or they both go.
You can't change the way his other children feel about you, but your husband should set ground rules that they need to respect you and he will not tolerate any other behavior.
If you continue to live they way that you do, your biological children will get the wrong message and they should be your number 1 priority.
This may sound random, but do you think your stepson might be depressed? A lot of his behaviors are classic signs of depression.
I have to give advice from the other end of the coin. I have a stepmother that I do not like because she says nasty things about my mother and tries to tell me what to do even though I am an adult. Even when she does say anything I know that she does not like my mother and that pisses me off... perhaps his children also get the same feeling from you? Everyone has different parenting styles and you should respect the way that your husband chooses to deal with HIS children. My stepmother also tries to tell my father how he should deal with us, but their parenting styles are different and it always leads to an argument between them. The best advice I can give you is to stay out of it. From their view they are not your children and will likely always see things that way. Perhaps it was not that "their mother never gave them rules", but actually they were angry because you were the one trying to enforce the rules? Your stepchildren are always going to resent you if try to act like their mother and get in between them and their father. There is a great article on CNN about the mistakes that stepmothers make that you might find interesting
It sounds like your husband is parenting by guilt (one of the worst mistakes a parent can make.) His son has to be respectful of the rest of the family, but this cannot happen until he respects himself. It sounds like he doesn't so much. Look online for unique ways to get him to respect himself enough to feel pride in his accomplishments. Be constant in your love, discipline and support. He learns most everything by example.
Cathy,
Oh my. You poor dear. Sorry you are caught in the middle of this.
It sounds like your husband's children did not receive the love, discipline (that's discipline, not punishment), and attention that they needed growing up. Their mother sleeps all day - well that's a tell-tale sign. She needs to see someone for physical and mental health problems. I wouldn't suggest it to her though if I were you.
Sounds like the whole family needs to go counseling/mediation. Get out all of the pent up thoughts so that everyone knows why everyone is feeling the way they do - all in a respectful manner. That means no one blame others for why they feel miserable. Explain: "I am unhappy because... I would like..." Your husband needs to tell his children that he loves them and explain that he left his ex-wife and not them. He wanted a better life for himself AND for them. You didn't come into their life to destroy it. You came into your husbands's life because you love him. You care for your step-children because you love your husband and these are his children. Because they are a part of his life, they are a part of yours. As his wife, you are co-responsible for their upbringing in the home you share with him. I don't imagine that you say disrespectful things about the step-children's mother in front of them. It's a different relationship than that with your own children, but it is a loving relationship. Let them know that you care for them. You have rules in your home because rules are made so that everyone can get along in a peaceful manner. Discuss the rules with them. Ask them what it is about the rules that they do not like. Explain to them what the rule is for and why it is in place. Ex.: We keep the house clean so that our house does not attract pests and is not a fire hazard. A clean house promotes peace of mind, a relaxing place to come home to, a healthy place to live, and allows ease in finding what is needed. Another example: We talk to each other politely so that we show that we care for and love each other. Maybe negotiations can be made in some of the rules.
The same would go for trying to motivate your step-son to take control of his life. "I would like to see you learning at school, working a job to support yourself, etc. because I care about you and hope for you to have a good life." You and your husband can ask him what his plans are, what he is thinking, how he feels. Ask him what kind of help he needs to be able to be on his own. And I'm not talking about financial help. He is at the age of maturity. He is not mature, but he is past the age to be able to support himself. Does he know how to balance a checkbook, make a budget, cook, clean, etc.? If not, make a list together with him of the things he needs to be able to do to take care of himself. Set a deadline as to when he needs to be out of your house and on his own. Then the three of you get to work on him learning how to support himself. He should be at the lead of that. Asking questions. When the deadline arrives he needs to be shown the door. Hopefully this occurs in a loving manner so that he will feel welcome and loved when he returns to visit. Hopefully there are hugs and kisses at that door. Handshakes, pats on the back, and words of "Good Luck" and "I love you."
You and your husband are each others number one priority. (I disagree with Ruby. You are a couple first. The children come second. But that is a very close second. Children do not come first in a family, couples do. Then they choose to have children. Together they raise their children. Then the children leave the home to be single or to eventually enter a relationship of their own. The parents are still together, hopefully, after the grown children leave the home to be on their own. To stay strong as a couple they need to work on their relationship first so that it is strong. (That is not to say that the children are ignored. You both came into this relationship with children in tow so it's a bit of a juggling act.) The parents are the base, the support of the family. Without a strong foundation, you have a weak structure. Together as a strong base, you support the family. When you have a strong family, you have love and support.
You and your husband need to work together as a team so that you can help each other to support your children, all 12. Your husband's first marriage was not a strong, stable team. It was highly unbalanced. Children need the love and support of their parents. Otherwise they do not feel self-worth. They need to see their parents model a loving and supportive relationship so that they will know what a good relationship looks like and how it works. Children are new to life and need to be shown the way in how to do things. That is the job of parents. Teens and young adults sometimes think they know it all. (That's probably hormones talking.) Looks like that is the case here. Letting them do whatever they feel like and saying whatever they feel like, etc. is not acceptable. They need to know that. To maintain order people have to work together to get things done. It is immature and uncooperative to think that one can do whatever one feels like. If that were the case, civilization would be destroyed. That's scarey and that is what is happening in our country because so many children are not being cared for properly.
My advice is to seek help for the whole extended family. Go yourself if no one else will go. Also read parenting books. One book I would suggest is "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
Talk to your husband. Hopefully he will work with you.
Good luck,
Maureen
Hi Cathy,
It sure is a difficult situation that you (and your husband) are in. I don't have any experience with stepchildren or even children of that age, but I agree totally with Diane B. Your 21 year old stepson should definately be taking more responsibility at home, but might also actually need to see somebody professional for depression. As for your other stepchildren, I think your husband should sit down and talk to them and be very honest and clear (maybe he has already done this), telling them that he loves them very much and always will, and he knows they want him back with their mother, but that this is not an alternative. He loves Cathy very much and they have to accept it. It wasn't anybody's fault (their or Cathy's) that he and their mother broke up and it doesn't mean that he loves them any less. He will always be there for them, but will not accept ANY disrespectful behavior/talking towards Cathy or their step syblings. Unfortunately, things in life can not always be great, but they have to help him make it as great as it can possibly be under the circumstances.
I think the "key" is to really make sure that they know that he loves them very much and as much as he loves his "new" family, they don't come in second place, but that they have to learn how to respect the "new' family.
It might not change anything at first, maybe not even for years, but he will have planted a little seed that will grow with time and it will always be there in the back of their heads and influence them.
I wish you and your family the best of luck!
/V.
he's lazy and needs to get a life 21 year olds do like to sleep and don't like to do much except go out and hang with friends but the kid should seriously get a prt time job and he's license so he isn't a leech off of you do you think he suffers from depression?
as far as the other step kids their mother has probably turned them against you and depending on how the marriage ended that could be part of the hostility towards you kids generally hate change and the one that enforces it
good luck with everything
Hi Cathy,
This is gonna sound like tough-love....
My first thoughts while reading your post are that you sound angry and bitter at your step-children's mother. You are passing much judgement about her and about your stepson. How can you blame these kids for not liking you? You talk about how horrible they were and abusive and how "we don't do that in this house" That is the key - you are saying THIS house, as in THIS IS MY HOUSE NOT YOURS THIS IS OUR LIFE NOT YOURS.
Their mother was with their father first, she apparently had 6 sons with him and then he left that family at some point for whatever reason and began a relationship with you having 6 more "step" kids with you when he was not even able to efficiently father the children that he already had - the proof of that is that his children had problems and issues, he was needy and leaned on his son and obviously there were other issues not mentioned. Now you want to punish these KIDS for not liking you or respecting you?
The children want their father to stay, get mad when your marriage is mentioned etc., because they feel like you STOLE their father away, and it actually sounds like it might be true. They miss him, they need time with him - without you or your 6 kids, father-son quality time alone, they deserve that and so does he. This is NOT about their mother, it's about them. When he left they lost a part of their selves and his children were neglected by HIM and YOU as well as his ex. So don't place all this blame on HER.
If you are going to married INTO an already established family than you need to know that the CHILDREN are suposed to come FIRST, not YOU, you are not supposed to take away from that family, the family that was already here. And then play this immature game of "mine" and "yours."
This is why step mothers get such a bad name, they make it all about theirselves, instead of loving and embracing the family that they married INTO. You sound jealous and worried and mad and it sounds like you may have been preventing your husband and his sons from having a solid relationship this whole time because of it.
Please let go of this. Let these children have their father back, let him stay with them - at a hotel away from you. Let them have time without your family always demanding attention. It is not right, and it is not too late. If you do a 360 they will come around and see that you are changing, and that you really want to embrace them. But do you?
Cathy,
I dont have kids that old, and I am not a step mom (single mom with 14 and 10 year old)but I am around that age group. My first reaction for what it is worth is that the 21 year old is actually NOT a kid and should by have some adult responsibilities. It is the responsibilty of the adults who raise kids to prepare them for the job of independent living and doing so is a tough job. By not expecting him to be a part of the household sends the wrong message and is not helping him prepare for his future.
From what you say of your husband I would say he is stuck in what I call the divorced parent syndrome. It is hard not to be a part of it at times but by acting out of guilt, he is. One thought would to be sure that you begin now to make expectations clear about school and work. And, why doesnt he have a license? Dont know many 21 year olds like that! So I would say, no, not all 21 year olds are like this, in my experience. I dont know any! Good luck. Hope it helps a little.
Hi Cathy - I believe there's only one thing that can help. Counseling. If you are in the Nashua/Amherst area, I can give you a fabulous referral... It really is so sad that we don't know the damage we're doing to our children until it is too late.
There's a lot going on here behind the scenes. Best that you stay out of it and get the help of a qualified counselor. This is a lifetime commitment for you... Better get help now.
If no one else will go, go yourself.
Beyond that, I totally agree with Ruby (except for the 360 part! That's a full circle... I think she means 180 you do the opposite.) She is more than correct with her other thoughts and I couldn't have worded it better myself.
I am sorry for your situation......sounds like he was raised to be a lazy adult, lazy kids turns into that. You both need to talk and make a decision together, and then hubby needs to take charge of his son and straighten his butt out. Or he will be 31, not working, no license, playing videos. There are always the Armed Forces to make a man out of him.
Your 21 year old stepson sounds depressed. Your husband may feel guilty for making him take care of the younger kids at one time, but this probably made him feel needed. Now, he has nothing to do and is probably feeling useless. But yet, he is unmotivated to get a job, or get his license. Because he is in a rut that he can't get himself out of it. Well, here's something you could try: you must give him money to buy things, no? Well, start to say that the more chores he does, you will give him something. You and your husband must agree not to give him anything for free. Get your husband to agree that even if you have to tell a "fib" that you should tell your stepson that you have some extra bills and money is going to be tight, so he has to do some chores if he expects any money. Even if it is not his day for dishes, tell him you are too tired to do them or you don't feel well, so can he please do them and you'll give him $5 to do them. As far as the other kids hating your marriage, the only thing is TIME. I am sure their mother doesn't speak well of your marriage and this is where they are getting it from. Just continue being kind to them if you ever see them and one day they will realize that you are and were a nice person. For the time being, maybe you can even send some gifts for them from YOU personally, something that you know they would like, along with your husband when he visits them. This might make them think more fondly of you! People might say you can't buy love, but with kids, a little gift can work wonders. Good luck.
Hi Cathy,
Phew..... you've taken on a boatload. I am the Mother to my own three and step to my husband's daughter. My own are grown, married, babies, jobs, very very responsible adults. My youngest is 25, married, baby, owns a home. My husbands 25 yr old daughter is just like your step son... I've never in my whole life seen anyone who feels so entitled. She is lazy, and given the choice will stay up all night on the computer 'chatting', uploading photos of herself... grrrrr drives me crazy. Last Novemeber I felt sorry for her as she was basically homeless after a boyfriend breakup. I invited her to live with us til she got a job/apartment. HA! She move in and finally just left. My husband and I agreed she will not move here again. We'll help her find a room or apt to rent if need be. She's gone to Maine, and is supposedly working and says she wants to go to school. We'll see. Her mother died when she was 18, and she did suffer and still does suffer from depression. Also all kinds of anxieties. I've never met anyone who feels so entitled. Her mother did too. So the apples don't fall far from the trees and I don't think there is anything you can do. I'd kick him out. You have to let your husband know your feelings. It will effect your marriage unless boundaries are set. You cannot 'save' him. He must get off his duff and be an adult. Good luck.
L.
In my experience requiring your 21 year old step son to maintain a certain GPA C - C minus, to enjoy the free ride at your house is not unreasonable. Also, a part time job is not out of the question either.. If he has the time to sleep an ENTIRE day, then he has the time to work part time. This is your house as well as your husbands and if your husband is working while you are home maintaining the house and all whom reside in it then you make the rules. Be strong!
Hi Cathy.......I don't want to ge too hard with you because I'm sure others have but your husband is not standing up for his wife and that is wrong.
I'd look for a site that you can talk with others in your situation.
I was married twice and much the same situation. The quilt overwhelms the dad and it cuts right to the core of your marriage.
See if anyone @ your or a local church can help you with this one.
I do hope your result are better than mine were. We ended up divorced after 10 years. His children ( now in mid to late 30's ) realise they manipulated a lot of the time just to see if their dad would waver. They now know he was in the wrong and we'd still be married if he stood with me instead of against me. They are mostly well adjusted adults because of working through their " stuff " .
I believe marriage is ordained by God and He will bless it.
Blessings to you dear.
P.
I feel your pain (but not as badly!)
I have an almost 18 year old stepson (he lives far away) that tries to do NOTHING ever! And, he even tries to influence his younger brother (15 today!) to not do anything. He continues to get bad grades when he used to be a straight A student. His mother had him put him on zoloft a few years ago and has even increased the dosage. He has no drive or desires for anything, in part because everything has been handed to him. He has never even applied for a job. (in part because his mom would have to drive him there since he doesn't have his own car)
Sorry to go off on my own situation.
I would try talking to the boy, both you and your husband, about future ambitions and your expectations. We keep our expectations high and won't back down on it. We make him do chores while here and remind him if he doesn't like it, he will need to go to college and get a career so he doesn't have to spend his life doing hard labor like yard work. (which can be a great career, but you know what I am saying)
I will point out, this was the boy most affected by his parents' divorce. They split when he was four, so he doesn't remember any bad times in the home and even a few years ago still would ask, "why can't you and my mom be together".
So, perhaps there is depression or rebellion involved with your stepson.
Does he abide by house rules and do some work as part of your household?
I hope I helped, but at least know that I understand! The best thing for you, too, is to make sure you and your husband are on the same page.
I may not have step-children but have had friends go through similar things as yourself but I do have twin 21 year olds!This sounds like a story you should write Dr.Phil about! Truthfully Cathy. BUT my advice to you as having 21 year old twins..is this 21 year old is a grown man now,not a child and he needs to be responsible for himself and stop MOOCHING off you and your husband,be it his son or not,it sounds like your husband has no backbone to put his foot down about anything and this is NOT normal behavior for a 21 year old. My kids both are in college and both have a car while both hold FULLTIME jobs!We told them if thye wanted a new car,we wouldn't be buying it,though we did co-sign and if they didn't pay it,it would be re-posessed! One daughter is now in her 2nd new car!Time to get him and all his kids into counseling by the sounds,a FAMILY counselor.I know I would not like my husband going to his ex-wifes that is 3 hours away to visit because the kids behave like spoiled brats OR I would be going with him. If this doesn't change soon,I know I would be headed for divorce court...you are his wife now and its time ALL accepted that fact:-) GOOD LUCK!
