Seeking Moms with Older Children

Dear H.,
I have a friend that works with children and their families to work through problems just like this! Give them a call. My sons have both been to her and we have done some family work together. It has been very healing for all.

Patti Villalobos, LPC @ Center for Family Development (ph: ###-###-####, web www.c4fd.com)

I under stand When I marred My husband my boys where
5 and 11 my oldest gave me and my husband hell. now he tell me that he just wont me and his farther to gether. my yougest I had to talk to the school .Some school offer a adaptive behavior program. they found that he had a learning disorder and there was a lot of anger issue they help use work them out. Now he is @0 years old And he does not get so anger ,They all so had him on som meds to help.
I H. this will help you .

Just a quick note. He will not talk to anyone unless he wants to. I would make appointments for my son regardless. Sometimes they just need to listen to the councelor a few times before they talk. I would do a drug test on him to. Tell his doctor what is going on and have him test for everything. I wouldn't tell the child at this point unless the test come back positive. However, when testing have them test for depressants too. Many children get into the medicines at home so check your cabnets. I am in now way telling you that your son is doing drugs just because he is fighting with his brother or acting out. I am telling you that you have to take steps to see why. My son died a little over a year ago from a drug overdose. To this day I look for things we could have done different. You can never be too protective. You are not trying to be their best friend, you are just being a mom. H. it helps.

Teenagers are still a mystery to me, and I have four kids.
I H. that you would be able to sit down and talk to your two boys, even if they don't want to talk to you...I can assure you they would listen to what you have to say.
Anger is never healthy if someone does not express it.
Hormonal changes, peer pressures, gilrs convine with Divorce is always complicated and kids at this age are very sensitive. I H. you have an open communication with their father, because he too, needs to be involved. Please talk to him and together talk to your boys about any resentment they might have. And most than anything they just need to know that no matter what you both love them.
Make sure you do not offend your boys by thrashing their father and make sure your ex doesn't trash you whenthey go visit him...that would be like telling the boys "that's how much they're worth" (kids tent to take the other parent's insults personally)

H.,

If you can afford it, you may want to try a martial arts program. Most of the instructors are great role models and they spend time explaining the importance of things like life skills and respect. They will be in an environment where hitting/fighting are put in perspective all the while receiving great training. You can ask for advice on different schools, but with teenagers it might be best to have them meet with various instructors and see who they click with. Get them some protective gear and turn fighting into practice. Good Luck.

m.j.

Dear H. D,

I feel for you. We experienced something similar with our son. We worked through it, but that required professional help. I think that's what your son and your family needs too. SOMETHING is most probably bothering your son and causing the behavior, and the sooner you learn what, and deal with it, the sooner your son will get better.

I have already said a prayer for you, your son and the rest of your family. I pray that you WILL HAVE H. and that your son will be freed from whatever is causing his anger. I pray that you will find the right counselor that WILL be able to get your son to talk about what is bothering him.

Deb D
Jeremiah 29:11

I feel for you even though my 14 year old has never tried to hit me. He knows the consequences, and would TRULY lose!!! LOL However, before you spend money in therapy, have you tried to get your youth minister involved? Church can be a great place to start with a situation like this! Don't forget to pray.

Might want to have him checked out for food allergies. They can greatly affect behavior. I know, because I have many food allergies and get very emotional if I eat something I am allergic to. I know several other people who report this in their kids.

Well H., you may just have to take him to a counselor and over time, he may open up. I would suggest a male counselor and maybe he will open up to a man. He could be angry about so many things, you and his dad being divorced, the remarriage (is his dad remarried now too?) or kids at school. Have you asked your oldest son if he knows why the younger one is upset? What does his dad say? Is he having this problem at home too? YOu still need to discipline him when he behaves this way but getting him into counseling sounds like a must.

H. my sister and I were 11 months apart and we were great friends until she got into drugs. She was about 12. At first I didnt know I just thought she was mean she was picking fights, being cocky, and defiant and completley selfish. She even pushed my mom. I didnt understand what was going on. I found out she was doing drugs I didnt tell my parents because I didnt want to be the tattle tale and I kept hoping she would stop . Long story short really dig into his life, look in his room, has his friends changed. does his brother know anything. Go online and look at what he has been doing (check the history) I do believe in respecting privacy until you give me reason to suspect something. I am not being acusative of drugs I am saying dont be afraid to dig deep to find out what is going on. If it turns out he is just going through a phase look into some volunteer programs the two of you can do together, where he can serve other kids his age and younger that really do have it rough. Maybe then he can take his eyes off himself and feel like his life is pretty good. It will also give you a chance to reconnect with him. ( i know you are disabled so check into childrens hospital where he can be a postive role model) Give him a chance to be important and he will try hard to uphold that responsibility..... I will pray for you and your boys. Good luck

i would get the boys into 2 different sports. the younger one i would get into karate immediately. he obviously has no self control and needs to vent his anger physically, so i would enroll him in a good karate class. the older one i would do something completely different so that the boys would not fight about their sports too. perhaps swimming or soccer. H. this helps! anger management classes might help the younger one.

My 9 yr old son has had anger issues since the death of his uncle 3 yrs ago. Things have gotten better since he talked to a Christian grief counselor and also with the school counselor. I also notice he deals with his temper and life better when he's involved in sports. The days he has practice or a game, he is much easier to deal with and overall just a happier kid. Possibly your son could benefit from a structured sport or the school couselor also. I also think any martial art would be great, they teach self control and self discipline. If you ever want to talk, send me a message.

Testosterone. My friends with boys told me it would happen. They were right. At 13 my boy got taller than me and his temper went thru the roof. He'd do what I called "chest puffing".... like I'm bigger than you mom so you can't tell me what to do anymore.

Fortunately, it passed. It's a weird time. But you want to make sure it's nothing more than hormones, so talk to his dad, talk to the school counsellor and see if you can get him to talk to someone.

Have you spoke to their dad...It appears something is going on and he is letting you know through his behaviors....I would get him to therapy quickly if you have not already...Therapist through different means will get him to open up...This does not sound like need for meds or police intervention but talking to him and making him feel safe enough to disclose what has happened...You and his dad without stepdad for now are going to have to see him through this...

You need to have a SERIOUS conversation with their dad. When boys begin adolescence, they need a very strong father in their life. I have a sons 24, 19, 15, 10 and 8. You and dad need to lay out the ground rules, follow them both TO THE LETTER at your place and his place. The rules need to have consequences attached--both negative for disobedience and positive for obedience. These things need to be followed with beautiful ruthlessness---with overflowing love be unbending.

I'm not sure how long you've been divorced, but it's no shock that the boys are acting up. As far as them talking to a counselor, you just get them there and let the counselor figure out the talking part.

Boys a so much fun to raise---truly. I H. with firm, consistent rules, abundant love and parental cooperation, you can work through the rough spots.

D.
Mom to 8

H.,

Your son probably has alot of built up anger and emotions and does not know how to express appropriately. I had a son who seemed very angry and would get so mad at his brothers- he actually was ordered to go through an anger management course and he even says it was a good thing to go through, really helped him recognize and control his emotions.

One thing to explain to your son (and this has to be done in a non confrontial moment- perhaps go out to eat and just talk), being angry is not wrong- it's how a person reacts when angry that is wrong. Try some different things- a punching bag for instances can really help. Or perhaps a small indoor trampoline he can bounce on while upset (I have one that works great for relieving stress).

That age is very difficult- went through a similiar situation with my youngest. And unfortunately being brothers sometimes they tend to be more physical.

H. this helps some.
D.

Read the book, "Bringing Up Boys" by Dr. James Dobson. It will help you gain understanding of what MIGHT be going on.

If your relationship is okay with your exhusband, ask him to talk to the boys, and provide consequences for their actions...