Seeking Moms' with Stepchildren

When my husband and I first started dating his daughter was 9 and his son was 15. The first time they came to stay a weekend I sat down with them and made things clear. I told them that I'm not their mom and would never try to be. However, I am an adult in this house and expected to be treated as such. We never had any problems after that. I think for them it was the fact that I plainly stated I would not be trying to replace their mom. Some kids have a hard time with that specific issue when mom or dad remarry. Try talking with her like an adult. Give her the same respect you expect from her and see if that helps the situation. Good luck.
J.

You could try to find something that the two of you have in common, such as scrapbooking, tennis, playing Wii, etc. Could you teach her to cook, starting with foods she likes? I also think that since even biological parents have trouble getting respect from kids of this age, it is going to be harder for a step-mom. She likely feels conflicted about her love for her mother and not wanting to be disloyal to her. Perhaps you could even talk to her about this and how you understand that she might have these feelings. As a step, it is best just to reinforce dad's rules and not try to make too many rules of your own, as she will just resent it. Kids of this age like to spend lots of time in their rooms and less time with the family. There are a number of good books about step-families and some good advice if you will Google "How to be a good step-mom" you are likely to find some help. While it is hard, try not to take her behavior too personally.

Hey C. I'm a mother with 2 daughers also. My oldest is 13 and the baby is 2 1/2 yrs. My oldest daughter is mine but her relationship with my husband is the same as you describe. I have resently went with a punishment plan that has been working pretty well. I made her write down punishments and then I copied them on a sheet of paper and cut them apart the same length. I sat down and wrote a letter to her and read it out loud with her and my husband. The letter contained what we would expect her to act like and anything else she would have to draw out of the bag with her punishment. I know this sounds weird but now atleast she is picking her OWN punishments. Make sure she puts stuff in there that will "be a punishment for her".
Other than that I would say to talk with your husband and let him know you are tired of this and he needs to step in and straighten her out b/c she is a older influence to the younger ones and you don't want the others treating you like that. Good luck and hang in there. 13 is a rough year.

dont persue of pushing. teens are going through pure pressure as it is. and everyone is differant. her world is upside down right now. and she probabally has inner anger about things. she sit back and relax. things will evenually work them selves out. if your natural daughter is her age, do they get along? if so, maybe your natural daughter can get into those basic conversations of what she does and dont like. and inform you after the visit is over with your step daughter. cause the more you buck the worse it will get. been there with two adult step kids 11 years ago. hubby and i are still together. i also have an adult kid of my own. it takes time and just relax and let things flow.

Sounds like you're trying really hard to be a good step-mom, but you may be trying too hard.
Thirteen is a hard age for both kids and parents, and a lot of kids become uncommunicative at that age.
She could also be a little jealous because her little sister gets to live with her dad, and she doesn't. She may blame you for that, and she may not even realize that she does. But for goodness' sake, DON'T bring that idea up to her. There's no way to do it without it sounding like an accusation. If that's what's going on, having her dad spend one-on-one time with her would help.
If she's being downright rude to you, her dad, not you, needs to let her know in no uncertain terms that she doesn't have to be your friend, but she does have to be polite.
Don't try to have deep soul-baring bosom-buddy discussions with her. Keep your conversation with her light, and invite her to do things with you that you think she might enjoy. Don't take it to heart if she declines. She may see your attempts to bond with her as an invasion of her personal space. Ultimately, she will be the one who will determne how close you can get to her, and you have to be content with as much or as little closeness as she will allow.

C., remember you are not only the evil step-mother that her dad replaced her mother with but ya'll replaced her with Alexa and Allie. (in her mind)
I agree with the previous response, find SOMETHING that ya'll can do together. At least ya'll have her every other weekend, with my step-son, we only get him a couple weeks in the summer.
As far as getting her respect, that will come when she is ready. Remember she is 13! They have no respect for anyone!! As side from that you can not get repect without first giving it yourself.

I have two step children. The boy is 13 and the girl is 8. So I know what your going thru. Recently the boy started argueing with me about everything and refused to do anything I told him. This was strange for him, because we usually get along. It also caused several arguements between my husband and me. Hubby and I sat down and discussed our parenting styles. And in this conversation, he informed me that he felt that I was taking on too much of the parenting role with his children. So, we have made subtle changes over the last couple of weekends that the kids where with us. Mostly, me telling the kids "you need to ask your father." You know, make the effort to reinforce my husbands role as the parent. We tried alot of other things too, like talking to him "boy". This did help, he told me that he argues with me because he doesn't like my answeres and thinks if he continues to question me that I will eventually change my mind. I informed him of the disrespect he was showing me when he takes that course of action, and that I wouldn't tolerate it. I even talked to his mother. (She sounds to be alot like your daughter's mom.) MOM told me that he "boy" had been doing the same thing at home with her. Which helped, because I no longer felt that I was being isulated by him, or that he just hated me. I know some of it is hormones. and some of it is just a difference in rules between the two houses. But, things are slowly getting better. So advice is to communicate with your husband, and get his side too. Then adjust things that you can to better fit your weekends with your step daughter. And make a conscience effert to do so. And finally, you aren't alone, if she's doing it with you, she's probably doing it at home too, or at school, or with grandparents or somewhere. Keep trying and don't give up.

Sorry, but is obvious "where she gets this from". You don't like her mother. She is a teenage girl - she identifies with her mother - she feels protective of her mother. Whether you have said it outloud or not, it is apparent in your letter and I'm sure it is apparent to your stepdaughter that you don't like her mother. I also suspect that this girl reminds you of her mother which makes it even harder for you to like her.
The fact that you put this all off on the daughter's "attitude" instead of taking ownership (as the adult) for the problems in the relationship is probably also making the teen more angry. How do you learn to talk to her? It hasn't been that long since you were a teen - think back - all you really wanted was someone to respect you, listen to you, and treat you like your oppinion matters. Help her with her teenage "needs" is also a great way to bond, make sure she also has all her favorite hair care products etc... at your house. When she comes to your house is she farther from her friends? Help make sure she can still communicate with them at your house and that she doesn't miss out on teen activities. If you make her needs a priority, she will come to see you as a good guy.

I am s Step Mom with 24 years experiance.
I have 1 step daughter, 1 step son, one son that I have from a previous & we have a son together. I never let them use the word STEP. WE are a family. They are all 4, brothers & sister. ( It has even streched to in law daughters too.) They even invented a name to call me. "Alien" ( The movie 'My Step Mom is an Alien') They are all adults now & I have 4 beautiful grandbabies from "STEP" son but they are all mine. My daughter gave us a beautiful boy but he was borrowed & we ALL enjoyed the time with him.

As a step myself I can tell you that it isn't going to be easy. especially because Alexa is older. ( small ones are easy to win over) Just relax around her & be yourself. Do remeber that it is YOUR HOME she is living at for the weekend & keep all your regular routines going. Invite her to join & make all of it fun. YOU might even make friends with a neiboring 13 girl & ask her to join in on some of the action. That might help to make Alexa relax & give her someone to vent too. You might even gather info on what she might be into & get things to Decorate a room with. This gives her a safe haven but Her Dad should never let her stay there very long at a time. It is her Dad that she is there to be with.
Just be her friend & not try to be "STEP MOM". It's not your job to raise her. That is her Mom & Dad's job to do together. You just need to back them up.
One important tip. Never treat Alexa any differant than you would Ally. Love them both the same no matter what. If you feel comfortable with Alexa doing this. Have her watch her little sister & get her involed in her life. It will let Alexa feel important part of the FAMILY.

Hey C.,

I think it's more her age than anything else. At this point try not to take anything too too personal. Age 13 is a tough age, I have a 13 year old son and my cousin has a 13 year old daughter and it's amazing the changes in them at this age. Try not to push too hard, give her some space, but when she is disrespectful, remind her whose house it is and reinforce she will abide by your rules for the time she is there. When she sees that you won't back down and you stay consistent with it, she will come around, it may be slow, but it will come. This will also help with the arguments with your husband. Good luck. I wish I could help you more.

Hi C., I have a 13 year old stepdaughter as well and went through the same thing as you are going through although I only see my stepdaughter 1 or 2 times a year. We have had to sit her down several times and tell her that she needs to respect me just like her mother and just like her father and her step father because I am her step mother and I deserve that respect. We also asked what was going on with her why she felt she didn't have to treat me the same way as her parents and her step father and she told us that she felt that I was more as a "friend" figure then a "mother" figure. I then started to get more respect and now get more respect and we communicate a lot better with each other. I hope you find something that works out for you, being a step parent is definitely a tough job, it comes with a lot more hard work. Good luck.

it is not your job to parent her, thank goodness, this leaves many options open for you. having said that, you can have a major influence on her life by leading as an example, being her confidant (this takes time and a few years after 13), and her friend. if at all possible, start with being friends with her mother. not best friends, mind you, hopefully she is not psycho :-) maybe start with a compliment that includes her mother, such as: "Hey, alexa. i picked up this lip gloss for you. you have such pretty lips, just like your mom." when she realizes that it is OK to like, eventually love, you IN conjunction with loving her mother, this can be a beautiful relationship. i'm wishing you all the best. divorce is excrutiating for children, no matter their age or how "nice" parents' try to make it. i was 25 when my parents divorced and now my mom is married to a total jerk. i hope you can establish a friendship now, lots of prayers.....