Seeking Moms on Advice About Marriage

Hi S.,

You're asking for spiritual advice, so I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume you are a Christian.

A few years ago my husband and I went through a very difficult time. I was very unhappy in our marriage. It took a long time, but we are finally in a better place. One that that really helped was that I had to start with me first.

1) I had to realize that my husband would not be able to meet every single need and honestly, that is not his purpose. God is the ONLY one who can meet all our needs. We have to surrender to him and get to a point where we want nothing more then God. Once you get there, then you can see how God uses other people in your life to bring even more joy.

2) I had to stop focusing on the problems. All I was looking at were the issues, the problems, the failures. In myself, in my marriage, in my husband. I had to stop looking inward and start looking outward.

3) Align your mind with God. If you align your mind with God, it WILL change your attitude and having a God aligned attitude WILL change your atmosphere.

4) Start demonstrating to your husband what you want from him. Start meeting HIS needs. Look and find out what he needs from you. If he does something that you really appreciate ... TELL him! Say 'thank you' for the little things. It will give him encouragement to do more.

Yes, it takes 2 to tango. But, you have to remember YOU can't change someone else. You can control your own person, but not someone else. So, all you can do is start with yourself. Pray about it. Ask God for direction and guidance. Ask him to show you how you can change to make things better in your marriage. No one is perfect... I certainly am not perfect in my marriage. I often find if I feel like things are not going well, it's because my attitude has changed somehow and my husband is responding to that change. The change in my attitude usually leads me back to a misalignment of my mind with God.

Counseling is good... but I would seek it for yourself first. Work on YOU. You have to be satisfied with you and content with God before you can expect to be happy in your marriage.

Also keep in mind... marriage is work. Relationships are work. No one ever said they were a walk in the park. The initial spark of newness does wear off. But if you work at it you can have a lasting loving relationship that is better then any 'new' thing could ever bring.

Pray for yourself, and pray for your husband.

I would also suggest if he is open to it... pray together. It is powerful. When you humble yourselves before God, together, it's amazing what God will do between the two of you.

2 moms found this helpful

Good Morning! S., I don't know what the issues are, but here goes. A lot of people don't understand that love is a decision, not a feeling! You decide every day to love that person, you may not like them that day, but you choose to love them. My husband and I went through a bad patch at 7 years. I prayed for him every day, I looked for the positive every day, I chose to love him no matter what I was feeling. All of the odds were against us making it. We were both divorced, each had 2 kids, had 2 together, worked opposing shifts, I could go on and on. We had to fight for our marriage to last and the only reason we fought at first was because both of us were too stubborn to leave! We have been married for 17 years and together for 19. Are there days where one of us doesn't particularly like the other? Of course!! But we both have the priority of putting the other first and choosing to love each other. There is a movie out called "Fireproof" I suggest that you both go see it. It will change your thinking. Let me know if this helps, L. S.

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Hi S.,
This is my first time ever responding. I just want to tell you to go to God in prayer, take some time and go before God and ask him he will answer any question you may have. Sometimes we as women want to blame everybody else and forget that it just might be starting with us first. I had some issues in my marriage too, and I started to read Power of a Praying Wife. The Lord spoke to me alot through this book and let me know that I am not perfect and he is neither. I have a prayer that I say everyday now and a scripture that fits the prayer, try saying it and watch the changes that come from it.

Lord,
I lay all my responsibilities at Your feet. I am now yielding my heart, mind and strength to your awesome power and glory. I desperately need You.
Open my eyes, ears, heart and soul so that I'm not too busy to hear You. Teach me to walk, live and be in the center of Your will for my life. Use me as a blessing in the lives of my family, dear Lord.
Forgive me for my past mistakes, which can be better described as sins. I've been impatient, short tempered, self-righteous and it has made me a difficult woman to love and live with. Lord, starting today, fill me with the fruit of the Spirit: patience, kindness, humility, and gentleness.
Make me a woman who is not easily angered; guard me from being rude or selfish. Fill me with the strength to endure all things necessary. Your perfect love never fails. I praise you, and I thank you for saving me.
Amen.

1 Corinthians 15:10
"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them-yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me." (NIV)

I hope this help I will be praying with you for change to come about in you and your family lives.

God Bless

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Hello, S.. I say that this is normal. If you are seeking spiritual advice, seek a pastor; or just go to a church when nobody else is there and spend some time 'talking' to God. Remember that 'I do' is forever and believe that you will get through this time. Your husband may seem like he is not 'hearing' you, but I wonder if he really is. Sometimes men don't like to hear that something is wrong, especially if it's something they feel they can't fix. My advice is to 1) keep 'turning toward your marriage' and not away, 2)Pray, talk to a priest or go to the church, 3)force yourself to do things for your marriage like cook a special dinner for the two of you or buy new lingerie and have a special evening of romance (even if it makes you cringe to do so, it might help), know that if you are feeling this way, your husband may be as well.
I remember from a marriage class that I took before I got married that sometimes when I feel like I don't want to 'turn toward my husband, I need to turn toward my marriage'. It's a triangle with you, your husband and God. Seek God when you feel your husband is not hearing you.

I hope that helped a little. I will keep you in my own prayers.

2 moms found this helpful

See the movie "Fireproof". Did wonders for me and the theme is sweeping the nation!

S.

1 mom found this helpful

Sorry to hear of your rough patch, S....along with the other advice you've received here, I would recommend a wonderful book I'm reading called "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs...This is based on the Christian perspective of marriage. She needs love, he needs respect. This book has changed the life and marriage of someone I know. Please give your marriage a chance before you give up.

Blessings,
J.

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Hi S., I believe that this is SOOOOOOOO normal. Dr. Gary Chapman has a book about the seasons of a marriage. I have found this to be true. I recommend his books, the languages of love and he has others. I also highly recommend the book "Mars and Venus Together Forever". I recently bought this book and as soon as I am done with it, my husband is going to read it. Even if yours doesn't want to, it will help you understand why he does some of the things that he does.

I agree that love is a choice that you have to choose everyday, even if you don't like the person very much that day. It would probably do you a world of good if you could get away for a week-end, just the 2 of you. You might be surprised to find that you really do still like each other... my husband told me, on one of our first dates after the last baby was born... "you know, you're kinda fun when you aren't with the kids". Do some things for yourself, I am taking the kids to a sitter today, just because I will go insane if I don't get some me time... I think taht I will just come back home and read for a while, or I might go to a craft store and just browse for and hour or two. If you have a family member available, you might get a day to yourself for free. After having just gone through some of the same things that you are and refinding my love for my marriage, if you need to talk, please feel free to email me.

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S.,

I'm probably the worst person to give advice, since I'm recently divorced from my husband of 17 years. If you think there is a problem, trust you instincts. I felt that way for several years. I had been saying lots of prayers for all other things and people. Finally, when I concentrated on praying about my marriage, I at least got answers which helped me make my decision to move forward. Most of the time, if couples can work things, there marriage can be stronger, but it does take work and communication. Good luck to you and hope you guys can work things out.

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Hello S.,
If your husband will go to the movies with you,my friend told me about Fireproof. She and her husband have had problems and she said she cried throughout the movie and he said he tried to hold back the tears the whole movie. She said it is such a good movie for couples, for older teens, just about anyone who wants to learn about relationships or to improve relationships. This might be a good place to start..the movie will say it all for you.
Blessings,
C.

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Hello S.,

First of all let me say that change is not something that happens over night but you must first believe that all things are possible through Christ Jesus. If you start to pray about the issues that you are having in your marriage you will see change. Even if the change is to allow your husband to hear you. I tried prayer and God touched my husband to agree to join a marriage support group where we meet with other couples once a month. What is the big D?

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The most important thing I've learned in my marriage is not to depend on my partner for my source of happiness. My whole world revolved around my husband and children. I stopped doing all the things I loved, gave up on my dreams, and became depressed. I did nothing except to care for all of their needs. Cleaning, errands, school functions, etc. I felt like I had lost myself. I felt lonely and sad. After 2 1/2 years as a stay home mommy, I decided to return to work and school. I now work part time, I attend college to earn my bachelor's degree, and I have my own money to shop and do fun things with friends. It feels good. I am finally feeling good about myself. My new found confidence has totally boosted my relationship with my husband and children. I'm happy. Only you can make you happy. Decide what it is you want and go for it!! Take time to treat yourself to a favorite meal, drink, bath, or movie. Spend time with friends. Enjoy life!! You have to remember that your husband cannot make you happy if you are not happy with yourself. Also, tell him you're feeling lonely and sad. IF he truly loves you, he will support some changes and listen to your cares. I wish you the best. God bless. :)

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S.,
I have read the other responses and I agree that this is normal. I am not an overly religious person but I can tell you that my husband and I went through something very similar and came very close to divorce. We chose to go to counseling and it is by far the best thing we have ever done. I think that sometimes over time you forget that your spouse is also suppose to be your friend, your best friend. Its very important to spend time together and have fun together. If you dont have a sitter, try watching a movie or something after the kids are in bed. Hold hands and laugh together! Our counselor told us to try and remember why you were interested and why you fell in love in the first place and then talk about it, it really does help!! Dont feel bad for pushing your husband, if you feel this way than it is up to BOTH of you to try and work on things. I really had to push to get my husband to see just how unhappy I was but in the end, it was totally worth it!! Hang in there and take care of yourself!!

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I can't give you spiritual advice but take it from someone that is recently divorced. Putting the effort into the marriage is MUCH easier and gradifying that all the work and money that goes into a divorce. If you have children I can't even begin to tell you the emotional toll it takes on them. I have a 3yr old and it's been hell on his emotions. If you aren't sure how to approach your husband so he will listen to your concerns then go see a marriage counselor to get a handle on how to do it. There are alot of books out there that would help too. Just becuase he may be fine with the relationship it doesn't mean you are and they needs to get udner control before it's too late and you don't want to try to fix it or worse....you find someone else that makes you not want to fix it....the grass is always greener on the other side.

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You poor dear! So many women go through this, and some men too, though sometimes one partner prefers to stay in denial about marital issues, and I think more often it's the husband. You are not alone! God is with you and, since you asked for spiritual advice, I'm happy to tell you that my marriage was healed through turning our lives over to God more than 30 years ago. We did this individually, not together, when we were on the verge of divorce, then the Lord made a whole new thing out of our broken relationship. We now teach a marraige class at our church! I wouldn't rush into anything drastic that will make things worse. Talk to a counselor or pastor, gather some wise friends around you. Ask the Lord to take control of your life and guide you. He can do what no human can do, no matter how bad things are! Of course, you will need to work with him and for that you'll need wise, Godly counsel. I'll be praying that this will work out for you like it did for me. Anything is possible with God!

I just saw that someone recommended the movie FIREPROOF. Our church arranged for a lot of people to go and it's had quite an impact. The program they show THE LOVE DARE is out in book form. I think you can get it at Sam's Club. Our church has some for sale for $10. I can get you one if you need for me to. Even if you go alone to the movie, it'll help, but if you can get hubby to go with you, I think it could be a turning point. I dragged my husband to a marriage retreat that started out badly between us but, on the last day, he got the message and it was our turning point. Please consider this movie which "just happens" to be playing right now!

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Keep trying to communicate. Dont be afraid to share with DH how your feeling. Wether he wants to admit it or not if your unhappy some thing is wrong. You can go to counseling, on your own even. Just dont bury it and expect it to go away.

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You do not say how long you have been married...
I have been married going on 9 years now. The first few years you are adjusting to not being singular. Having someone else chiming in on decisions YOU would have made alone before. This is the time that you step back and allow the man you love to be your leader in many situations. (Helps with their ego too. :-)You figure out each others strong points and divy up the responsibilities...
Between 5 and 8 years is the hardest. You guys settle into a routine and things become, well, routine... I also had those what if questions at times. BUT I refused to allow them in. As soon as that thought crosses your mind you NEED to push them away and say a prayer for you and your hubby.
I just want to warn you... If you ask for strength you will receive situations that you need to be strong in. Pray for closeness.
Your hubby probibly doesn't realize that you are having these feelings as much as you are.
At around our 7 year mark I saw in my self that I needed to zest things up. I am married to a logical man, I am emotional and yet logical at the same time....
I read " five languages of love" and it helped me pin down the ways that hubby and I feel love. (You show love in the way you feel most loved)
I also read "Love and Respect". Our church also did a showing of "Mark Gungors, Laugh your way to a better marriage"

They all help describe the thought/ emotion processes of men and women.

I highly suggest reading/ watching all of them. It may help you see deeper into your hubbys mind. Have him sit and watch Mark Gungors videos with you. It is funny and it opens a lot of doors for conversations.

I also was feeling like we never really talked. After hubby and I watched those dvds we started "talking".

Write down your feelings and thoughts. Then schedule a sit down talk. Not emotional. Tell him that you are feeling unloved, unappreciated, etc...If you are not good at expressing yourself verbally then write a letter and sit there when he is reading it.

NEVER say the D word... DO NOT OPEN THAT DOOR!!!
When you say things it gives them power. Either in your mind or their mind.

Make lists of his positive traits and what you love about your marriage. DWELL ONLY ON THOSE!

It will take work, and will be hard emotionally. But you obviously want to save your marriage and honor your commitment you made in front of God and family. Talk to your pastor. Talk to an older married woman. Talk to your hubby. Get it out there and try many things to make it work.

Good luck.

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I agree with most of your responses so far. You need to tell Hubbie what your wants, needs, and even like fantasies or what not. Men don't get it. My husband and I have had issues and I not only made a decision of going back to church because I believe going to church helps everyone in the family relieve there sins and feel clear after talking to god. But also its something good to do together as a family. I also seeked help through a sycologist to. (sorry not good on spelling) Which is helping tremendous. But what really worked was sitting my husband down and telling him straight out how I was feeling. That way he understood where I was at and I still do this periotically. Plus I also don't associate with certain people who are negative in my realtionship. I associate with only positive people so I look at things different. Another thing and this will be another good helper is check into Joel Olstein. He has books and hes on radion in the mornings. His wife has an awesome thing through oprah.com. You can also read Awakings Lifes Purpose from Eckhardt Tolle. Thats another good book that helped. I hope all this will help. Look forward to hear what all is happening. Take care!

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S.,

There is no one answer or any easy advice on this subject since marital problems are always complex. Seeking spiritual guidance is a good start, it will prevent you from making a rash decision you may regret later. I would suggest looking for a good counsellor first, this may wake up your husband to the fact the problem is real and serious. If you have a pastor you know and trust that is a good place to start because they will incorporate spiritual principals into the counseling. I have been married 27 years and my husband and I have been through the worst in those years. So many things can be factors, you need to find out what they are with an impartial mediator and begin to work on those things. It sounds like the biggest problem is getting him to understand there is a problem. We were teetering on the brink of divorce ourselves but I convinced him to go to counseling first and it opened our eyes to a lot of things and kept us together. We used a christian counselor. If he won't go with you, go yourself, talk to someone other than a family member or friend, you need someone impartial. Involving family and close friends will muddy the waters and they will likely just side with you and it may cause them to later dislike your husband. So talking to strangers is not as bad as you think. I know how it feels to be unhappy in a relationship but I say unless he is abusive try to work it out. Marriages and couples mellow and grow over time and you can be very happy. My best to you.

S.

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I don't know what specifics I can suggest but a book that I'm currently reading that is helping a lot is called "Boundaries" by Townsend & Cloud.

Maybe some marriage counseling from a qualified marriage counselor or minister or rabbi would help.

Whether he attends with you or not, your husband will see that you are serious in taking charge in improving the marriage. Hopefully then he will then take responsibility for his part in the marriage.

I'll be praying that God helps you and your husband in healing any hurts and in feeling loved enough to feel safe to share problems without being rejected.

I'm thankful that you are looking for advice and taking steps in nurturing your relationship with your husband.

Blessings.

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I'm in the same boat, except my hubby acknowledges we've gone in different directions.

So, do you want to save this or not. You can ask yourself that. The usual type of advice is counselling. If you're willing, go. If he's willing to be counselled he goes. If he's not acknowledging there's something wrong or maybe he doesn't want to salvage it, then there will probably be an unhappy decision made on your part alone. If he isn't meeting you half way or doing his part, then he's already been disconnected and too comfortable.

If it's done, it's done. That's what I was recently told. If you're not both on the same page and don't see continuing the status quo, then why should 2 people continue to be unhappy. I have to stand up for myself, make decisions without having to consult all the time. So I understand your dilemma. Try it for 27 plus years and see how lonely and detatched you feel. I lost my identity.
Good luck. I wish you success whichever path you take.

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{{{HUGS}}} Marriage is so tough!! I would highly recommend the movie Fireproof. If your hubby will see it with you, great! If not, go see it yourself or with a friend. Go into it with an open mind and heart and see what you can learn from it--even if the issues aren't really your "fault". There is a strong Christian component to the movie, but if that's not your thing, focus on the sound marriage message in the movie. I believe if more people saw this kind of movie and took the "advice" there would be fewer divorces. Maybe not significantly fewer, but if it can save just a few it means the world to that couple (and possibly their kids)! I'll be praying for you!
A.

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Hi S.,

I'm sorry for the frustration and hurt you are feeling. I want to encourage you from my own experience that Muffie's letter and Jami's letter are right on track. We tried counseling...all my husband heard was he was not loving enough and did not communicate enough. Let me tell you, that did not help. Dr Emerson Eggrich's material "Love and Respect" is what made all the difference. You can preview his material at www.loveandrespect.com. Have you ever heard that men have different needs and are wired differently from women?

When I began to understand that it laid the foundation that helped my husband be able to hear me. This may be one of hardest things you've ever heard...men need a foundation of respect. If you're like me, I didn't have a clue what respect meant. I thought it meant love with a certain amount of "you've earned it". If our husband are expected to have unconditional love for us why is it so unreasonable that they need unconditional respect from us? It is like the air they must have to live. Thinking about the presidency helped me. I might totally disagree with the man who is the President but I still have respect for him in that office. Does that make sense?

Not to disagree with Jami, but the book "Love and Respect " did not work for me...and I've heard other women say the same. We actually went...it's a miracle that my husband agreed to go..to one of Dr Eggrich's weekends. It is available on DVD also. A group of us got together and bought a couple of copies to share. Let me know if you want to borrow it.

One other quick thing this was crucial. I was literally making myself sick seeing all the things my husband wasn't doing or was doing wrong. And even if I didn't say it, he could smell it a mile away.I asked God to give me one thing I could be grateful for. God sure has a sense of humor. He did give me one and it began for me a journey finding lots of things to be grateful for. God opened my eyes, as I decided to be ready, to show me what a great guy my husband is. In that sense I help create an environment of appreciation that frees my husband to desire to meet my needs. Just saying nice things doesn't work. I used to do that but it was like hitting a brick wall. My respect and a heart of gratitude are necessary.

You did'nt share details so I could be way off in this for your situation. This is what turned us around. He deeply appreciated Dr Eggrich's approach. It was so unique form what anyone else said. It literally kept us from divorce court...we were one week away from our court date. Eight years later we are still grateful we made the decision to use Dr Eggrichs' material.

S., We'll be praying for you.
M.

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Dear S., I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting so much. Fighting in a marriage is a healthy thing to do IF and only IF there is a conclusion to the fight. Both parties must feel satisfied with the outcome. You say that you don't want to be pushy, but it is making you feel like walking out of the marriage. Rather than staying and trying to solve the fighting you find it easier to simply give up on your life and walk away. The problem with that is you will repeat the same problem with any other man you try to have a relationship with. Go to a marriege counceller with or without your husband. Work on why you don't feel strong enough to fight for what you want and deserve in life. There are ways to get your hubbys attention. Men pay more attention to a womans tone and speed of voice than the words said. So speak slower and lower when you really want his attention, and look into his eyes as you speak(even if you have to do so naked to get him to see you). He will then pay more attention to WHAT you are saying rather than tuning out the "nagging". Your feelings are just as important as his are, don't ever give your power away by saying that you don't matter enough to be pushy. God doesn't want you to walk away without a fight!! Good luck.

Hi S.~

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Communication is so vital in all aspects of life, especially in marriage. I know my hubby and I have had a ton of fights and lots of roadblocks thrown in our way but we've always remembered why we got married and our committment to each other and to our God.

The last couple of years has been an enormous amount of growth for both of us as we have recently found a new love for God and realized where our blessings really come from. After losing our first son (now 7 yrs ago) this was the biggest thing I think that held us back...we first started by realizing that we needed to work on ourselves and not me working on him and him working on me...we read the book Five Love Languages and Love and Respect which are both aweseom books! The first time each of us read the books we made notes for the other person! We've both read the books a few times and we get something new each time...

We also read Wild At Heart, Power of a Praying Wife(Husband for my hubby), and Purpose Driven Life...We never used to read but once we started and committed to do it, we did things without realizing we were doing them. Marriage takes work and committment and I wish you the best. My prayers for you and your husband (family too). Good luck...