Seeking Moms' of Teenagers

My older sons are 16 and 14 and, oh man, do I feel you on this one. They have no concept of the day after tomorrow, much less 10 years down the line. My oldest son is brilliant. So smart with a memory that retains everything except what he has for homework and what his chores are for the day. We tried EVERYTHING!! We grounded, we did parent teacher tag-teaming, we took away all his privileges. One year it was like he was on lock-down.

I finally just sat him down and talked to him. Sounds simple, right? But you have to remember I am an adult and, therefore, know nothing. So I came armed. I had his transcript, a college application,a college course catalog, a scholarship application, and a notebook.

I asked him what he was interested in doing when he was an adult. What his dream was. I showed him the collge catalog to show him how much college ed. he would need and roughly how much it cost. I showed him the college ap. and all the things they wanted to know including his gpa and school involvement. Then I showed him the scholarship ap. They wanted even more info. Like was he involved in school sports, academic clubs, community service and enrichment. I told him how many kids on average apply for that particular scholarship and how many scholarships were awarded each year. It is staggering. They award scholarships to who they think is the best investment for their money. Who is consistent, dedicated, self disciplined and so on.

I gave him the notebook and told him, "You are of infinite worth to us. You have incredible potential and I have no doubt that one day you could effect a change in the world. My question is, what are you worth to YOU. What are you willing to do? What are you willing to commit to do and sacrifice to make this happen, because there are a million kids out there right now who want to do the same thing and they are willing to get that chance at any cost." Then I made him write it down. How he was going to succeed. What he was going to commit to doing. It was like a contract with himself.

I let him know that at a certain point if he chooses to fail we will be unable to save his skin and that he needed to get serious right now.

3 moms found this helpful

Hi, that is a strugle in our house as well. We have four kids in the house now. The boys are the teenagers 16,15,15. The 16 year old is the go getter,he gets his work done with out telling him. He brings home awesome grades, the other two boys on the other hand are lazy. They dont do homework or forget to turn it in. I have seen a change in the past few weeks with my son. He brought home not so good grades sooooooo i took his cell phone away and limit the time on the computer. I would start with that. Good luck and congrats on going to school

I really don't know what to tell you. But I'm writing to tell you that I had the same problem with my son when he was in school. He is now graduated (barely) and now that he is "out in the real world" he tells me and his little sister how much he wished he would've studied harder while in school. He's now found that it is harder to get grants, forget scholorships...his grades weren't good enough. He joined the Air Force but got discharged because he was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease we didn't even know he had (Behcet's Syndrome...never heard of it but once I looked up the symptom's...he fit every one of them...I felt horrible!) So now, he's struggling to find a decent paying job without any further education. He is ALWAYS saying he wish he had done better in school. Guess you could just tell my son's story to your boys and hope it does some good. My daughter does great in school....THANK GOD!! and colleges are looking to scoop her up as soon as she graduates in 2009. I don't think she'll have any problem getting scholorships and/or grants. It's a big, bad world out there and unless you get an education beyond high school, it's getting harder and harder to find a job beyond minimum wage. So unless they want to work fast food, retail or work in a car garage for the rest of their lives, they'd better get on the ball. But for right now, they are at the stage of their lives where all they want to do is "have fun". they WILL learn to regret this. Good luck and God bless!

Hi K.,

Congrats on doing the school/work thing, you are setting a good example!

You have received many good responses. I would just add that you should make every effort to get to know their teachers--go to conferences, open houses, etc. and encourage the teachers to push the boys also. the teachers may also have suggestions. I know it is hard with your busy schedule but I think it is worth a try.

Good luck!

K. Z.

I know just how you feel.I am having a hard time with my 15 yr old son.Telling him just how important it is for an education.I encourage him all the time that he can be what ever he wants to be when he gets older.That he can do what ever he wants to do when he is older,but he needs to an education first.But he doesn't listen to me.Maybe you can try that with yours.I know each child is different. At the rate my 15 yr old is going;he will be a freshman again next year.

I am having the same problem with my 13 year old son. He went from an A-B student to a B-C and even D student. He all of a sudden just doesn't care about school. He's very intelligent and if he just put a little effort into it he could get all A's again. I'm going crazy with this! Is this just an age thing, a phase?

Check out from the library the book "Boys Adrift" by Leaonard Sax. It talks about underachieving boys. I have 3 boys (9,15,25). I have learned a lot from this book and other resources.

take them to visit places where people are who have not studied. the places they have to live if they dont have a good job....that changes their reality very quickly.

Hi K.,
I have a 16 year old son who is attending e-school. At public school he was a mess. The teachers had to spend too much time disciplining other students and couldn't teach. This frustrated my son into rebelling and hating the school. Putting him in charge of his education really helped. He talks to his teachers online and on the phone and has weekly live lessons in every class, but he is making much better choices, now. Teenagers make up there own minds, and need to be able to make choices that as much as we want tomake for them, we can't. Good luck.

Unfortunately, it is part of teenagers - especially boys. My son is 17 (a Jr in HS) and has FINALLY started to get the idea. (Perhaps it was because we would not let him get his license until he did!) Until this recent transformation, he participates in sports and did only what was necessary to remain elligible. Now that he is looking at colleges, he realized that his GPA is important, and we weren't hounding him to be mean but so he would be able to go to college.

I would also pay attention to their friends. If their friends do not care about their grades, it is unlikely they will.

Good Luck and don't give up!

D. B.

Your children are about the sameage as mine. I am the mother of 3 boys 15,13, & 7 yrs. Many days I feel like I am raising 3 teenagers because the youngest one is growing up in such a teenage environment. I think the key to keeping your child intested in anything (school, sports, church, work) we first have to lead by example. And it certainly sounds like you are doing that by your commitment to work and school. However, sometimes our schedule becomes so much of the focus of the house that their interests and needs are second priority. I'm sure being a single mom does not help.Take time each day to talk to them about their day, even for just a few minutes. Show that you are interested in what they ate doing and are willing to help them achieve their goals. Good Luck!

After teaching in the inner city public schools I also wanted my son to appreciate getting a good education. Many teenagers don't realize that their parent(s) will not always be there to support them. I began having my son set his own goals and to decide what he needed to do to reach them. I compared our living situation to his cousins whose mother unfortunately did not attend college. I let him make up his own decision as to how he wanted to live when he graduated high school. I also gave him three options when he turns 18. One, he can go to college and live at home rent free until he graduates. Two, he can stay at home, get a job right away, and pay me rent. Or three, he gets kicked out at 18 to make it on his own. I had him sit down and figure out how much he would earn per week making minimum wage and working 40 hours. I then had him go through the paper to see how much rent costs on a studio apartment. I let him take a look at some of our bills and he quickly realized a high school education wasn't going to get him anywhere. Now I no longer hear "if" I go to college, it's "when" I go to college.

Hi K., I am also a mother of 4 sons and their ages are 15,14,11,and9. I keep my boys active in programs such as Boyscouting and playing soccer. I know it is hard to keep the boys on tract, especially with school, because they can be so easily influenced and they start thinking about girls. I am a single mother, but I do have the support of my father, brothers, and the male role models(fathers and other boys their age)of scouting and the sports they play. If you have any males in your life such as a brother,father,or even an uncle, try to get them envolved with your sons so that they do not lose track/focus of what is really important and how it would effect their future.I live in Columbus,Ohio, but if you live in the vacinity, I think maybe we could get the boys together and talk about activities for them. Also monitor the type of friends they have and hang out with, because this effects their actions and mental stability. Try to make it known to their friends what your expectations are and what behavior you will or willnot except, and let them know your limits. My 15 year old son is in 9th grade and plays recreational soccer and is a 1st class scout and only has 2 more ranks to go to achieve the highest honor in scouting and that is being an Eagle Scout.My 15 year old is also working 18 hrs a week or less for now because it was his choice and interest, but I have made stipulations for him in such that he has to maintain good grades and attendance in school and he has to proceed in his scouting. My 14 year old son is in 8th grade and is a select soccer player ( which is a very skilled part of playing the game and it takes dedication and alot of time as well as money, but it is beneficial to the players and it teaches commitment and responsiabiliy along with skills) and he travels around the state playing tournaments.This level of playing soccer prepares him for playing on a high school team( but it is not required to have in high school)and possiably being scouted for a scholarship to a college or university. As well my 14 year old is a 1st class scout in Boyscouting and is working his way up to earning the highest rank in scouting. He holds honors grades and has a very busy schedule, and not yet working but he is interested in getting a job. Then I have my 11 year old who is doing good in school and plays recreational soccer and is in cubscouting as a Weblos 2 and is on his way to earning his Arrow of light and crossing over to being a Boyscout like his two older brothers.My 11 year old and my 9 year old are both ADHD and ODD(Oppositional Defiant Disorder) yet they both live very normal lives and take alot of attention and love. Last but not least my 9 year old son also is doing good in school and plays recreational soccer and has played since he was 3 1/2 years old, and he has a few coaches who would like to see him play select. He too, is in cubscouting and is currently a Bear rank and is working up wards to boyscouting and so on. As you can tell,I am very proud of my sons and their accomplishments, but I could not have done it alone without the support of family and friends, so if you need an ear to listen or just someone to chat with just let me know.I wish you the best and I will pray for you and your family. Just keep being the best friend and Mother to your children and things will work out with time.
Keep in mind that there may be a posiability that the boys are not being challenged enough to their abilities or that they just need more adventurous actions in their life in which scouting can provide with a possitive environment. That they may be pressured by their peers and are crying out in their own way to you for help. What ever the cause just keep your chin up and head held high and remember that they are humanbeings and not robots, and that you can only do so much. " It takes a village to raise a child."