Seeking Moms of Adult Children

I have 3 boys - my oldest is now 22. The younger ones are still at home at 13 and 11.

Middle of May of 2006 I got tired of repeatedly having talks with my oldest about helping out the family by paying rent, (he never did altho he agreed to it), doing yard work, cleaning up his dishes, regular chores, etc. I'm a single mom and was trying to fully support all three boys on my private practice as an LC and really needed the help. His girlfriend coming over all the time just made things worse. She'd eat my food, make a mess and not clean it up and then I'd find out she was doing laundry at my house too using my laundry supplies! I was always nice to her and respectful to her - she rarely returned that common courtesy. I had talked to my son about her behavior several times with nothing but excuses. The interesting thing here is I had a couple roommates who took advantage of me - not paying rent on time or at all, not helping with housework, etc - I had to throw them out too. My son had chewed my butt one day about letting oeople live with me and take advantage...

So one day they came home and she walked right by me in my own kitchen and didn't even acknowledge my existence for the umpteenth time. I snapped. I called my son over and calmly said, "Hey, you need to pack your stuff and move out by the 1st of June - I'm changing the locks on the 2nd and you're not getting a key." The look on his face was priceless. He tried to argue - I said "You told me not to let anyone living with me take advantage of me and you were 100% right. You are taking advantage and I'm done with it. I love you - move out." He moved out. He is still pretty mad - BUT - now he has a full time job, making decent money, he left the girlfriend and is finally making a life for himself. I know one day he will get over being mad at me and come back home to visit. :)

Now - the caveat to this story?? My two younger boys were there when this happened. They know that even tho mom may not want to - she WILL practice TOUGH LOVE and it IS TOUGH! So, they do their chores when asked, they volunteer to help, they don't argue with me about it. They clean up after themselves (most of the time) without being asked. :) We have a great relationship...it actually did get considerably better when I set my older son free to live his own life. (sounds better than "threw him out" :) )

After my long story - my advice to you is if you have talked yourself blue in the face and they still refuse to follow the house rules - practice tough love - don't give them an option. The more you let them stay and get away with this disrespectful behavior - the longer the turmoil and disrespect will continue. Tough Love is HARD to do - but it will make a difference and sometimes you just have to do it not only for your sake - but mostly for theirs. They HAVE to learn! We all had to learn...

I wish you luck! They may be ticked off at you for a while but they will eventually come around and thank you for helping them to grow up and become responsible adults...

Warmly,
J. - been there done that...feeling for you!

With our oldest 2 girls now married, and a 17.5 in the wings, we've been there and we're going there again. We also have 5 other younger children watching every choice we make ;)For our family the rules are, when you turn 18 you're either a) in school full time, making "C" or better grades, helping with household chores or b) working full time, helping with your living expences & chores. With each child it was different. My oldest dd thought it was better to move out, she did, then moved back in as reality struck!!! lol! DD2 did a variety of chores, she'd do all the household shopping, keep 3 bathrooms clean, and transport siblings as she could with her schudule. If the girls were in school we'd pay for a tank of gas a week, about what it takes from our house to the college. Dad would keep their car running within reason, they were responsible for major repairs, he'd change oil, but they had to buy the oil, etc. Both of our girls 24&25 now, have said how great it was they were kept responsible. If they weren't going to be home on weeknights by 12am they needed to call, or 1am weekends. We only required a phone call, but if they didn't it was grounds for moving out. I explained to them tehy were adults, BUT as long as they were in the house, as a mom, whom gave birth to them, raised and loved on them to the best of my ability, I would always be concerned for their welfare, and a common courtesy to dad and I was to not make us worry they were laying dead in a ditch someplace. Both girls realized we live in a remote area, dh & I are firefighters, they've heard all teh horror stories of having to see parents come up on an accident to find their child the victim. We also had the policy, if you've been drinking stay with a friend or call us and we'll come get you, not questions asked. Right now, ds 17.5 is wrestling with all of htis. We just had the "adult" talk about his responsibilities that will be expected of him, as he's been extremely lazy for the past month, and has 5 weeks until he's 18. His older sisters have been coaching him, letting him know, staying home, going to college, having mom and dad pay for insurance, electricity, gas, rent etc. is MUCH easier than living on your own when you're 18. What an adventure!! hth. hugs~~K.
ps we are doing a contract with ds17.5 as his personality is to "forget" agreements. Actually dd25 is a psych teacher at the college, and she suggested it. lol!!!

R.,

I am the 'bonus mom' to four adult boys who became part of my responsibility when my husband and I got married. (They were teenagers at the time). One by one, they got to the stage when they were 18 and could 'do whatever they wanted to do'. However, my husband and I reminded them that although they were technically adults, they still had to follow the rules in our house and help out with the chores. (We had a calendar with a daily chore for each person...including my husband and me...that needed to be done). If they didn't like the rules, they were free to leave and start their own lives in their own places. (We also had a rule that after graduating from high school, they could live at home for free as long as they were attending college full-time. If they didn't go to college, they had to work full-time and pay rent).

Most of the boys moved out by the age of 19 because they didn't like the house rules. However, they have all come to visit us and have expressed frustrations that they have with their roommates who "don't pick up after themselves, leave dishes in the sink, are irresponsible, etc." My husband and I just chuckle...as these are the very things that we used to 'nag' them about.

That's how we handled the situation. Every family is different, though. Best of luck to you!

~ L.

I'm not a mother of adult children, but it was not that long ago that I lived at home. In our house you went to school full time or you worked and paid rent, bought our own stuff and paid our own bills (cell phone, car insurance). We did our own laundry, and had to help with dinner. We had to keep our rooms clean, do dishes and other chores. If we were going out we had to let them know. If we weren't coming home we had to call and tell them. If we didn't like this, we got to move out. I officially moved out at 23, and LOVED living on my own. My sister moved out at 21 and can say the same. Good luck.

R.,

I have two adult daughters living at home with us. Most of the time they are a joy to have around; they can come and go as they please as long as we know whether they are coming home or staying away all night. Our house rules still apply (no boys sleeping over, etc.) and everyone pulls their weight with household chores/upkeep (and they do their own laundry). Still occasionally they get it in their heads that they are "adults" and should be able to do what they want, when they want and be able to leave their stuff around if they want.

They each have a room that they are allowed to keep exactly the way they want. But we have made it clear that the common areas of the house belong to Mom and Dad and are to be kept the way WE want them to be kept.

I finally had to institute the method we used when they were much younger; I collect whatever things they've left behind and put them in a box in the garage. If they're missing something, they know where it is. I've also resorted (a few times) to putting dirty dishes that they've left out into THEIR rooms. It's funny how quickly they get put away when the clutter encroaches on THEIR personal space!!

Without being tyrants, we've gently told them that, yes, they are adult age. But until they are adult enough to move out into their own places, they are bound by the housekeeping rules at our home.

AND, when the help in the kitchen around preparing and cleaning up from dinner slacked off recently, their dad and I went out for dinner several nights in a row (nothing expensive, just not at home) leaving them to fend for themselves. When they complained, we had a conversation about how dinners would be planned and prepared for the entire family ONLY IF the entire family got involved in the process, eithering preparing or cleaning up from. A couple of nights with leftovers and crackers and cheese solved that problem.

If they don't come around, I would propose charging rent on their space (include food and utilities costs) but you will HAVE to insist on payment and follow through with moving them out if they refuse to pay.

We have an arrangement with our kids that they can live at home rent-free as long as they are fulltime students pulling decent grades. If they're not in school, they pay rent. One daughter left school, then couldn't wrap her head around having to pay rent for the space she'd lived in her whole life and ended up moving out only to move back after less than a year. She's back in school.

As with everything, even though they're not little you will have to follow through on any "threats" you make to them. If not, they will run your household and you'll pay all the bills and do all the work and end up resenting them.

Good luck!

Hi R.,

From the wording of your letter it seems as if both of your girls are living at home still. I don't judge that but I do think therein lies the tension in your situation. Your girls are adults and, in fact, don't have to abide by your rules. Now what you choose to do with that is completely your call. I'm a firm believer in doing what works for you.
Their lives are their priority right now and that often leaves little consideration for mom and dad. If you're going to hold them accountable it's going to entail being very honest with yourself and realizing that it may come down to asking them to leave. That's a huge step but the bottom line is that they're adults and they'll have to face the consequences of their actions, if not through you, through the rest of the world.
Parenting doesn't get any easier as they grow up, does it?
Best of luck to you and yours, T.

My daughters are 23 and 25. AND....because they thought that they no longer had to answer to us or participate in household responsibilities, and because of the turmoil and stress that it caused- they now have their ouw apartments. Bottom line- Our house -Our rules. If they chose not to follow them then they could leave-they did. And let me make this PERFECTLY CLEAR- LIFE IS WONDERFUL! Yeah- it's that good.
The rule with us was that they could only move back home one time-so they really had to make that move count. Good luck!
I worked beautifully for us (I'm not so sure my girls would agree-but hey-they made the choice).

I do not have grown children yet, but my husband and I work with college students...here is my advice.

If your daughters still live with you and they are refusing to help out around the house because they are "grown-up" then it is time that they were treated like adults.

Sit down and figure out how much it costs to provide them with housing, food, clothing, health insurance, schooling and whatever else you currently pay for. Tell them that you are happy to continue to provide these things if they follow the family rules (e.g. chores, curfew, other house rules). However, if they do not wish to follow these rules, you will be expecting a monthly payment of $XX to cover their costs, since they are an adult.

This may seem harsh, but it will get their attention and at the very least open up a dialogue between you and your daughters about how to respect and relate to each other now that everyone is "grown-up."

Another idea....if you haven't already, stop doing their laundry, stop cooking their meals &/or letting them eat the groceries you shop & pay for. Have them pay for their share of the utilites & if they don't turn off the circuit breaker that goes to each of their rooms so they have no lights in there. How about cells & interent use? Who pays for that? They can pay their share of that as well, or turn off the services &/or set up a password to get on-line. If you want them to start paying their way, then you'll have to be pretty firm. No, 'I'll pay you next time.' Good luck!

If they live at home then they have to live by your wishes. If they want to live by their own rules -- move out and pay your own way. If they are as indepentent as you say this shouldnt be a problem....if they refussed they are not independent they are dependent and spoiled. They are old enough to understand that even though they may not want to hear it.

Make them pay rent or get with the program and help out. This should be a team effort with you and your husband.

easy solution... the same thing my parents told me.

MY HOUSE MY RULES. You don't want to feel the need to participate in household chores... I don't feel the need to put a roof over your head. My mom would give my brother a deadline to have his stuff out by. Stick to it. Start packing stuff up for them.
Show them how everyone pitches in. I may sound mean but it put me and my brother in check..

Hi R.,

Funny you should be asking this question. We're in the same boat here. We have twin daughters age 18 years. All their lives they have bounced from one personality to the other. Always very independent. Now, one is VERY defiant as well as independent. The past couple of months, her disrespect (especially toward me) has had a positive effect on her sister though. We've been writing our plans on a calendar so they know what all we have going. If they want to go any place they have to check with us first. We only have one car, so everyone has to be flexible. We're more "flexible" when some chores are done. The one daughter understands this better than the other ... now. So, I guess my advice is stick to your guns with YOUR plans, be patient, and (gentle with a smile and nice words) remind them where the door is. No threats and without tempers.

GOOD LUCK!!!
N. :o/

I know we all grow up and want to get out of the house. As long as they under your roof, they should have respect for you. Same house rules apply for most people. I have young boys are they are hardheaded also. They think now they are older they don't have to help around the house.
I took in teens because they have no place to go, and I have a hard time with them because my boys don't want to listen to me. Maybe sit and talk to them, they can tell you what's going on in their heads. Getting older they don't want to take on any responsibilities, and I think that's normal for most kids.

Hi R.

I am a mother of a 22 year old. I also have a niece who is 30 and still living at home. My sister made a big mistake with this one and because there is a child involved, my sister does not want to make waves with her daughter in fear of never seeing her grandson again. But what the police told my sister to do and this is good advice for any adult children living at home.

1. Get them to sign a contract. If they were living on there own, they would have to sign a rental agreement anyway. So why not have them sign a rental agreement for living at home. They are adults and they want to be treated like adults so treat them that way.

In the contract make sure you stipulate, the rules of the house. Even though they know the rules of the house always put it in writing so there is no excuse that they did not know. If they are suppose to be in the house by a certain time, put that in the contract also. If they are not coming home that day stipulate in the contract that they are suppose to let either you or your husband know that they will not be home. (With a lot of kidnapping and killings this is also a safety issue). Put in the contract how much they are suppose to pay for rent which includes utilities (gas, water, electricty, cable, phone). If they like to live the TV or radio on all night then they need to pay for that. If they like to take long showers they need to pay for that. Put in the contract that they are suppose either pay for their own food which means they are to do their own grocery shopping and if they eat any food in the house that does not belong to them, then they need to pay for it. One thing I hate is to go to the refrigerator and what I expect to be there is not there anymore because some ungrateful child ate without asking if they could have it. If you want them to help with cleaning of the house, put that in the contract. If you want them to clean the bathroom after they take a shower, put it into the contract. Also make sure you state that if they do not adhere to the contract, there will be one verbal warning and one written warning, then if the behavior continues they will be evicted in 30 days and the eviction notice has to be in writing.

My sister should have done this to my niece and now my niece is still living at home at the age of 30 and I don't think she will ever leave.

I had no problems with my daughter when she was living at home. I told her the rules and she abided by them until she got married and now she appreciates everything I did for her. She told me running a house is hard. And I told her yes it is and throw a child in the mix who is willing not to help. They learn really fast when they are out on their own.

Good luck, R..

If they are living under your roof they should be doing what is asked of them. My mom would gripe and moan about cleaning when I lived at home right before I was married. I moved in just before I married my husband for a couple of months. I knew as long as I lived there it was my responsibility to help out. Now even when we are just there to have dinner we help clean up-anything not to have our mom go on one of her rampages. Not at all saying that is how you are, but they should be cleaning up and taking pride in the home-it is theirs too for now.

Hi R.,
I totally agree with the other reponse.. We have 4 young adult children. We had to do the same. My son (22) decided to leave and move in with a friend, because he did not like the rules. It is very typical for kids that age to have that behavior you described. However, it is up to us the parents to set the ground rules for being an adult and living at home. Our philosphy was "yes you are an adult, but living in our house still has rules. The only diference is you can leave if you do not want ot follow them. My son did not have a job and I really did not khow what he was going to do, but he worked it out. We still have a great relationship with him, eventhough he moved out.

I lived at home until I was 22 while I went to college. I did not have a curfew and didnt have to come home if I didnt want, but I had some chores and had to let my parents know if I was going out late or wasnt going to come home. I was VERY strong minded too! if your daughters live at home they have to be respectful of the rules. If they dont like it, kick them out or charge them rent. They will probably change their tune.

Hi R.,
I can totally understand where you are coming from, having our two oldest just move out of the house in recent months.
Let me ask, do they pay rent or help with expenses in any way? Do they have chores or responsabilities (such as feeeding the animals or doing thier own laundry) ???
Do they have jobs or are they both still in school?
This is the way my husband & I approached it....
If you are over 18 yrs of age & working(making a paycheck not in school/college)
then you need to help the family by either paying rent, or other expenses.(Both my older kids are boys and eat like bottomless pits). Once they leave thier parents house they MUST pay rent & food & utilities etc...so why not get them use to it at home?
I had told both our boys (before they turned 18) that this would be the case. It was no surprise to them however they still thought mom & dad would continue to foot the bill. I basically told them when they turned 18 but did give them till they were 21 to really enforce it. When(or if) they gave us $$ for food or clothes or rent we would put it away for them in an account. Once they actually moved out we were able to help them with a security deposit for an apartment or utility. Or maybe some dishes & basic kitchen items. Our oldest was a lil upset about it at the time we asked for $$ for rent but when he offically moved he was happy that we were able to HELP him(with his own $$). It costs more than most young people relize to move in to thier FIRST place. Our second son just thought that if he had to pay he just wouldn't work & that way we couldn't ask for it. He THOUGHT he would lay around & let mom & dad pay his way in life.....NOPE. The day he turned 21(after two years of warnings) we had to ask him to leave.......(hardest thing I've ever done) but we have a 12yr old in the house & it's not fair to her either if we don't enforce the rules......
The boys were told (in advance) when they came of age & wanted to continue to live with us they would have to abide by our rules period. I hated saying it (I thought I would NEVER repeat the lines of my parents but). They would have chores & responsibilities & would be expected to help with thier sister & attend family outings,and have a resonable curfew.(when they aren't living with you,you don't tend to worry as much about WHEN they got home) They were told if they didn't agree with those rules we could discuss them or they could find a home of thier own.
I know it sounds like we were real hard asses but our oldest son just turned 23 last month,he drives a very,very nice 1998 BMW (nicer than my current beater)and just started looking to purchase a house!!!! He NOW appreciates that we laid down the law so to speak,he says if we hadn't told him it was time to move on he wouldn't have the nice car etc....Our second son has also just recently followed a girl to Arkanasas..they're in love? So he is setting up his own place etc, and wants to know if he can send us any $$.....funny how things turn about...
Good Luck ..I wish you all the best in finding the right balance for your family & ALMOST grown kids....

R.,
It is easy, just hard to do! Set a date on the calendar and give them each a list of responsibilities, household chores, rent etc.... If they do not meet the requirements by the deadline, they need to find another place to live. They are adults now and you only hurt their future by not requiring them to be mature and responsible now.

Hi R.,

My boys are grown and out on their own but never forget this rule of thumb - "My house, my rules." So if they are living in your house and you are paying the bills, you bet you get a say...and then some. However, if they are completely supporting themselves financially, we no longer get a vote but rest assured, they will come to you asking for advice. Just remember, they do not have to take our advice. They will respect you in the long run, if you treat them like adults - but they have to act like adults to earn that.

Good luck!

+B+
Mother of 2 boys 25 and 26.

It sounds to me like your daughters still live at home, and that they don't feel that they have to follow any rules. Or help with family chores. I understand the feeling of freedom, the excitment of being an adult. I too lived at home with my mother after turing 18. I felt that even though I was an adult this is still my mothers house. I was still expected to make a contribution to the household. I was expected to pay nominal rent, and utility fees. It's nothing different than the world will expect from them. If you choose to help them with tuition or anything else, you can always save towards that. It's not that you want or need the money, it's about learning to live in this world. To budget, to pay bills, to function in society. They do not appreciate that you provide for them,they feel entitled. What would happen to them if you and your husband were to die suddenly in an accident? Would they be so independant? They are not at all independant. You have further things to teach them. They need to see how the other half lives. The half that goes without because there is not enough money to go around. They need limits, and to understand that there are rules in Mom,and Dads house even though you are over 18. It sounds like they are ungreatful children who think they can live in your home for nothing. Do what they please, and make no contribution to the home. You and Dad have to set limits and guide lines for continued inhabitation of the family home.

Hi R.. :)

My oldest son is nearly 34 now. When he was 19 I had to make him move out of the house. He, like your daughters, had grown up to be a good person, but, was unwilling to see housework or participation in the household as part of his responsibility. Making him move was one of the most difficult things I had ever done. Our job as parents is to teach our children to become responsible, contributing adults. If we are unable to do this while they are still living with us it's time they tried their wings elsewhere. Naturally, I'm assuming you've already given them warnings, cajolling, arguing, rewarding, etc., etc. When all else fails, and if/when the pain is worse than the pleasure - one has to make a change. Good luck -- and don't worry they won't talk to you any more. It's not like you didn't warn them. It's like any other rule they have broken and got warnings for. Don't worry about being consistent one more time.

Hi R.,

Both of my children are now fully grown and have their own families. However, my son and his wife, and my daughter and her husband lived with my husband and me while they were finishing college. Both my husband and I worked; my son and his wife worked part time.My daughter worked in the summers and her husband was working on his master's so he was pretty busy with his academics.

I ened up doing all the cooking, household laundry, housekeeping for the general areas. When I began complaining my children's response was: we do our own laundry, we take care of our rooms, we don't eat here all the time, i.e. "It's not my problem."

So I made a list of household expenses: house payment, and yearly "incidentals" like cost of repairs, paint touch up, insurance, and monthly "groceries and sundries; utilities (power, garbage pick up, phone, water), yard work, ... totaled the amount, then divided the monthly cost by three.

I put the itemized (long) list on the fridge. Posted a typed statement beside it, and included a personalized statement for each couple: "This is the monthly cost of running the facility where you are now living. There are three couples enjoying this comfort. The monthly "room and board" for each couple will be xxx."

I believe your costs can be reduced by the following adjustments:
Water, laundry supplies: Do a full load, not just your personal items. Include items from the bathroom and kitchen which are laundered. Electricity: Be sure to shut the door betwwen the kitchen and the garage when you are doing the laundry (cuts down on the air conditioning costs.

Grocery/Sundry costs: Plan to eat at home with all of us together for the evening meal. It will be served at 6 P.M. Rotate the responsiblity for clean up when we have the meal family style. Scrape and rinse your plate/ flatwear and put it into the diahwaster. We will
run the dishwasher at night when it has a full load. Rotate the repsonsiblity for emptying the dishwasher. If you plan to eat out, please notify me the day before, so that only the amount needed will be prepared. If you snack from the fridge or the cupboard, make a note of what you have consummed, so that I will know what can or cannot be used for other meals. Always scrape and rinse your own dishes. Wipe down the stove or microwave it you have used it. Wipe down the refridgerator door.

Help me by making up a schedule for vacuuming, dusting, window washing,bathroom cleaning, mopping the kitchen floor, general maintenance like bundling the garbage for recycling etc. Each couple will be assigned a week for this general "house work." If the assigned date conflicts with anyone's schedule, we can "trade days" amongest ourselves and adjust the schedule.

If this arrangement does not meet with your approval, you have two choices as I see it:
1) You will be charged monthly rent (due on the first weekend of each month), effective
next month. Oh, and by the way, I will have to hire a full time maid which will increase the total above by xxx+++.
2) You can move to your own appartment .

Monthly room and board fees were never collected. But I did get a lot more help around the house. My son and his wife moved out within three months. My daughter and her husband left with in six monts. They all survived. We were all happier.

Maybe something like this would work for you?

Merylyn (aka "Mommie Salami" ... my daugher's nickname for me; She put me on the list)

Same here. 18 & 20. Rent money or chore money will help hire someone to come in to help with chores they are incapable of doing. Find out how much and bill them. It worked for me. Surprising how you can get grown children to follow through when a price tag is associated with it.

Why are they living at home? If they are causing turmoil in the home then it sounds like they need to get there own place and find out what it is like to be on there own. They need to grow up and pay rent and bills. Maybe then they will have some respect for moms home and see mom's rules and home isnt really that bad of a place to live.

I have three adult children and I see a pattern in them - they seem to think they are entitled to things in life and don't have to work for them or earn them. You need to make your daughters understand that your legal obligation to them ended at age 18 - everything they get now is a gift not a given. they need to understand that certain things are expected from them at home and if they're not going to deliver, they're going to need to find a new home.

If they still live in your house they DO have to answer to you, and they have to share in the responsibilities. If they don't live with you, they don't have to answer to anything.

I am the mother of two grown sons 26 & 29. Neither live at home any longer, but they know I would do anything for them if they needed me.

Discussions I have had with friends of grown children or pretty darn close to being grown is if they can't abide by your rules then it may be time for them to try it out on their own. It is hard especially with the first one when they leave. Or charge them rent. Nothing big, but enough go get your point across.

It is still your household and they either obey your rules and help out when needed and you have to be stern or you can tell they have to move out. Tell them to make their choice.

It is never easy since we love our children, but it might be a good thing for you too. Look at both sides. Yours and theirs!

R.

Hi R....

Mother of five 20-27 here....its a tough road and my husband being the newest member of the family probably had the hardest time...we finally agreed on house rules...the minimum requirement of assistance around the house for an adult child to remain at home...it's black and white and clear...and they sign the contract or are free to find another place to live...What I found was that by allowing them to "slouch" did not serve them as humans on the planet...I may have given birth to them but that does not make me a lifetime maid...Decide what would work for you and get them to choose in...it will make everyone happier...

Good luck...
T.

R.,

I have 3 daughters ages 21,24, and 26. Greatfully I only have one living at home now. But when they were all in the house, I would have liked to pull someones hair out. I would set chores for each of them to do and hoped that when I got off work I did not have to do it myself. My oldest is probably the worst in not keeping things clean. But with time they did get better. We did give them the choice of pitching in or moving out 2 out of the 3 moved out and found out what was being done for them at home that they now had to do for themselves. Life has gotten better.

So Keep your chin up, they can improve!!!

Dear R.,
I too have adult children living at home. Although mine are a daughter and a son 19 and 20. I found that when they got the adultism bug or grown up head....We had to give them space. I wanted our kids to enjoy home so they wouldn't run out and move into an unstable homelife during college, so to make our home the ideal place to live...I gave them space. Hard as it seemed, I let them feel like they lived on their own. At first the rooms were neglected, and they played the freedom game but then they respected my allowing them to be free. I do expect them to help with some things, and they do, but I have found that they change as they mature and realize that if they are in control, then they want a comfort zone as much as we parents do.. It happens. I had to wait and be patient, but we all live in harmony now. I think the hardest part for me was not worrying if they were out late,or stayed over somewhere other than home. My daughter was and is the hardest of the two. She seems to be very self centered...Her thoughts are always about her. I think also I did a lot for my kids when they were younger and so they get use to us(parents)doing things, and they just don't think to help out like we think they should.

Example: I walk around my house and see all the things that need doing, small and large. My kids walk around the same house and just see a house. It is not their house like it is mine....I am a home owner, they are the home dwellers.

Life is great when you can be friends with your adult children.

Hope this helps,
E.

I am a single mom that raised three kids. It was rough at times, but we made it.

You have to set up rules and live by them. Don't back down, stick to your guns or show them they have an alternative. They could go live on their own and support themselves. As long as they live with you and you have a roof over their head they follow your rules. Bottom line.

Good luck, B.

Hi there. I'm not old enough to have adult kids but I'm young enough to remember what my parents did to me when I pulled the same stunt. My Mom used to vacuum at 6am after a late night and dust my room in the middle of my phone conversations. Then they started charging me rent and that's when I ended up moving out after 6mos. They tortured me and it worked!

Check out "love and logic" they helped me with my girls and helps with all ages. It is definately logic and I am using it on my 9 year old now with awesome success!!! good luck.

Hi R.

I am a mom of soon to be 19 year old twin daughters who are also terrific hardworking studying good girls. we do not allow the turmoil because the alternative is and this is somethihng they know they can move out We are not tough parents we are realistic and when the respect for us and our home is no more then they as adults can go make their own rules in their own homes ( give them 3 months in the real world and they will either come back on our terms or they will make it as young adults
J

Hello, I am a mother of a 22 year old son and he of course does not want to participate in household chores as well. Are your daughters still in school? My son will have his car paid off in June which is the reason why he could not move out before he does have a full time job. So I had the nice talk with his that it was time for him to move out and find out what it was really like to be an adult and have adult responsibilities, since he will no longer have a large car payment which by the way he could have chosen a less expensive car but oh well got to love em.

I am 19, granted I'm out of the house, but still. Honestly, I was raised the same way and was always told that as long as I lived under their roof I had to abide by their rules. They did change the older I got, but even when I go home to visit I am expected to help out around the house a little. If they aren't willing to help out or listen to you, sounds like they need an ultimatum, it's perfectly right and fair to tell them "show us respect and do your part, or you need to find a place of your own." They are more than capable of having an apartment and living on their own, if they want the luxury of living at home they should either help out or pay you to do their work - you aren't the maid.

Good luck, would love to hear back!