D.U. asks from San Jose, CA on January 25, 2007
Seeking Ideas in How to Tell Family I Am Leaving My Boyfriend
I've been with my son's father for 10 years now. We have an 8 year old son. His father and I have grown apart and I am not happy with him. We currently live with him and his parents since my son was born. I am currently looking for an apartment for my son and I. I told my boyfriend about it but I think he didn't take me seriously. Now I want ideas in how to tell him, his family and my son of this big decision that I want to take.
J.K. answers from Seattle on January 26, 2007
Tell him how you really feel. Sometimes people need space to step out of the box that they live in, to look at the big pic. It's your life make it a good one. The only person who can make you happy is you. Take care. J. MOM of two
1 mom found this helpful
K.O. answers from Portland on January 25, 2007
Well, I am not sure if you will like my opinion much but I guess that is what we are in the forum for. My advice is this: I hope you are thinking about your son. Boys really do need their Dad's and the male role models. I don't think that you can put more value on who can earns more than the other. That does seem a tad arrogant. You may not like your boyfriend being a conformist, but I'd hope he has more to offer his son than that. I also don't see both sides, so I can only go by what you say in a small paragraph.
I don't think you need to explain your actions to anyone. I would just take the step as soon as you are well set-up to do so. But, be prepared for the custody issues, bad feelings, possibly threats, etc. Maybe you can talk to your boyfriend's Mom and tell her that you are making plans to leave and that you really appreciated her kindness in taking them in. Don't put her son down to her, but rather say that your goals and his goals just do not match for your family. You do not want to be in their house any longer and would like to have a life of your own, etc. Maybe they can help motivate your boyfriend. Who knows.
I have had the experience of the grandparents fighting for their rights to the grandchild. Just something to think about as well.
It really tears a little one apart inside. I see so many kids at school and at my daycare that struggle with so many things due to the parents separation. It happens, but I just hope you are prepared mentally, emotionally and financially for not only yourself, but for your son. :)
Good luck with whatever you choose to do. It is your own life and only you can make the decisions that you feel are best.
1 mom found this helpful
L.M. answers from Portland on January 26, 2007
I tend to agree with some of the other responses, it is difficult to live with other people especially parents and still have a decent relationship. I would tell your boyfriend when you have found an apartment, that you are planning on moving out, actions speak louder than words. Then maybe he will see that you are serious, tell him that you don't feel the same way about him that you did in the past, but if he wanted to move into the apartment you would be willing to work things out. If he says yes great,I believe you owe it to yourself and your son to try and make this work.
As for the parents I would talk to them after you talk to your boyfriend. I would let them know that you appreciate the support and help that they have given you. Then let them know that you are moving out and that your boyfriend is either staying or going depending on what he decides. Ask them if it is okay if you bring your son by every now and then to see them. They may be afraid to let go because they think you may not let them see your son or that their son won't come see them.
Everybody has to move out at one point or another, I wouldn't mention income. I do not believe that is relevant. You should base your decisions on how he is as a boyfriend and a father.
L.B. answers from Richland on January 26, 2007
Just be honest with them. I know its not an easy situation, but a mother has to do what is best for her child or children. I have been in this situation a couple times since my son was born (he will be 3 in may) and it wasn't easy; but i was just honest with my then boyfriend and I knew I had to do what was best for my child. I have to admit it was easier to leave the man who was not my son's father. It has been a year since the relationship with his father ended though and my life is better now and I have found someone new and made a family with him. Im sure you will find someone new and make a family with them too; even if it isn't in your thoughts at the moment. I wasn't even looking when I found my boyfriend and it is the best relationship I have ever had. There is a social stigma about not being with your child's father, but you just have to forget about other people and do what is best for you. Me and Mike (my boyfriend) both live this way and I honestly believe there is no other way to be. My son's father is not involved in his life much anymore (he saw him a handfull of times in 2006), but I hope your ex will stay involved. I am going through court papers now trying to figure out what is the best for my son and family and its not easy. There are so many laws and little things you don't want to forget, but it will be worth it in the end. I hope you don't have to go through all the court humble-jumble like I am (my ex isnt very supportive of anything I say).
Your son is old enough that you can talk to him and he may not understand it fully but he will probably be happier once you leave with him. Kids sense when their parent or parents are unhappy and I have seen it stress a child out. I'm not saying that is what is happening with your relationship or son, but thats just my experience. I keep lines of communication open with both of my kids and I feel like it really helps. He may have lots of questions for you and your best bet is just to answer them in the best way you can with words he will understand. I had to deal with an older child when I left my ex of 7 years before I had my son and it was hard since I was very attached to him, but he knew he could ask me anything and I think he understood why I had to leave. Your family may be mad at first and not understand, but in a short time they will see that it is best for your child and you. I'm here to talk more if you like, I think I have more experience in this than I realized when I started writing a response; my email is ____@____.com care,
H.G. answers from Seattle on January 27, 2007
leave him! get ur apartment dont tell anyone, its ur life and you do what ever makes you feel whole inside and if he hasnt gotten you a place of your own yet chances are he never will...
MOVE on you will feel so much better about yourself. I am sorry to say but we women sometimes have bad luck on picking good men.. But if you feel this is what your heart tells you DO IT, JUST GO, there is no point in waiting for a man cause they will never change. That happens NOT so very often that they change... But I feel were you are coming from I was married 7 years and have 3 children from this man and we were never stable in one home we must of moved about 40 times apartments houses rlatives, and then one day I realized I was ready to move on I did and feel so good. it was hard but if you leave dont take him back unless he shows he can truely change... Show ur son the best you can and being around someone like that he will probably end up the same way.\
I could go on but I will end it here and bore you no more
I WISH YOU THE BEST, BE STRONG IT WILL BE WORTH IT AT THE END TRUST ME....
C.S. answers from Los Angeles on January 26, 2007
Its hard when you've had a whole new world opened up to you and your significant other hasn't been exposed, isn't it?
First off, I suggest making the list of pros and cons.
You have a support system that's helped you raise your son and, let me tell you, its a whole lot harder without that.
You now have the education to take your family up to the next level. Does he have to be the breadwinner? Is he ok with you being the breadwinner? What things do you have in common? Now that you are done with school and can be the mainstay earner, now is the time for him to explore what he wants. What are his dreams? If he didn't have to work, what would he most want to do? Maybe you'll discover things about him he never told you, because he didn't ever see a way to get them. Remember, fear is the strongest motivator and de-motivator for most people. Change = fear.
Sit down together and talk about your goals. Do you want more kids? Is it time to get your own house away from his parents? Does he have anything he's interested in that he now could go to school to learn? Open the discussion with something that provokes ideas and conversation: Each of you make 2 lists on a piece of paper, 1 list is hobbies/interests and the other list is things you're good at. Then, cross out the 4 least important ones. Then, 4 more, then 4 more. Until you get to only the top 2-3. You may see some crossover. And, it will get you both thinking about the possibilities, hopes, dreams, ideas.
Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side. Fully explore what you do have first. You did say that you love him and his family. Just because you've grown doesn't mean he can't also AND his growth does not have to be the same as yours.
What area are you from? Socal?
Can you tell I mentor people for a living?
Feel free to write back: ____@____.com.
K.P. answers from Portland on January 26, 2007
honesty is the best policy in this situation. you have to sit down and tell him how you feel about your relationsip, dont mention the moving out part till the emotional stuff is delt with. I was living with my husban and his parents for three years while in school and it drove me and him apart, so i sat down told him i lost feeling for him and was moving out. three months later we bought our first house and it our relationship was just like it was in the begining and has been since. We just got in a rut and he didnt realize it. If it doesnt turn out happily ever after like my sitruation did, i have anothe suggestion (it also went this far with his parents) talk to him alone disscuss it with him alone, although you live iun thir house and they have helpped you out, they are not involved with you bedroom relationship (so to speake) although you dont want them hurt it is about you and your child, if its not a loving relatioship it will become a resentfull one which cause problemds. tell him how you feel, if he doesnt feel the same way maybe he will chance, if he does maybe he will help you make the move, and if you decide to move on just keep it friendly, make sure you repeat that he can see his son how offten he wants, and that you would have no problem with the grandparent coming over or the son going ovre there as offten as they want to see him, make it less emotionsl and controlled. Hope your situation turns out ok,
L.B. answers from Anchorage on January 25, 2007
Hi D., it sounds like you know where life should take its course and the first thing is you,when you are happy so will your son.I think you are doing the right thing, I would get an apartment first, then I would write letters to your ex to be and one to his mom and dad and leave them the letters to read on their own time. I would make sure that they know you would not keep their grand child from them.but this is the best thing for you and your child .I can bet that they already know what their son is like with no goals or ambition.because if it were there you would not be living with them this long. I congradulate you for your courage if more woman had the courage you have they would see that they don't need to be unhappy with their situations they can make it on their own.then I would sit down with your son and let him know why you chose to leave in your own way not coming from any one else. good luck to you D..~L.~