Seeking Help with Little Boys and Their Actions

Hi D.!

I just wanted to say that while molestation is a horrible thing and we should always be on alert for it with our children, as a mom of 3 boys with a 4th one on the way, I can tell you this is normal. This is normal for boys or girls. I have never been molested, but I remember looking and even touching at a young age. Everyone is curious. Now, that having been said, speaking to your son about how he can touch himself in private and he can ask his parents anything about his private parts is good, but that he shouldn't look at or touch other people's privates and they shouldn't look at or touch his privates. Just be very matter-of-fact because you don't want to shame him or make him feel guilty or bad about it. You just don't want it happening again.

I just want to add that I really do feel awful for those who have been molested. But, I also don't think we need to make a mountain out of a mole-hill. This was just an innocent curiousity thing.

By the way, my boys are 9, 6, 18 months. The next one is due in 5 weeks. I think it doesn't matter whether they are boys or girls, also. I think everyone is just curious and if we really think back hard, and are honest with ourselves, we all were curious and some acted out while others didn't. But I think we ALL were curious when we were little.

Good luck.

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This is very normal behavior. I would not punish him for it. He is probably just curious and I would not make much out of it. You told him it was inappropriate and hopefully, he understands and you won't see this behavior again. You should not be embarrassed about this at all and should make sure that your son is not ashamed. He was just curious and has no idea how this can be interpreted at his age. I think it is our jobs as parents to explain these types of things at the appropriate time to our children, which you have done.

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I've been telling my almost 4yo that those parts are private, and only mommy, daddy, and his doctor(s) can see/touch it. He understood - one time when he was naked and was goofing around with his *ahem*, he repeated what I said that it was private, etc.

Heather K has it down - don't make a big deal of it but do talk about it. I think it's all well covered here!

Children are curious by nature and occasionally do this. As long as he understands why he shouldn't touch and doesn't do it again I wouldn't recommend punishing.

I hope your neighbor is going to explain to his/her child to only let certain people touch his genitals.

I agree with Julia totally.Altho "weird", this is very normal behavior for boys that age. My 4 and 6 year old sons are curious about each other, as well as themselves. They don't how to express it or even the reasonings why they feel or think they way they do. I just try to make sure they understand that it is inappropriate and so forth. I have quit letting them take baths together for the most part because of this and well because of the flooding of my bathroom =)
It is like one of the many stages that boys seem to go thru, I have a feeling I have many more yet to come with mine, esp. with boy #3 due in August!!
Hang in there, your son is not weird and you don't have to be embarassed, boys will be boys!!!!!!!!!!!

=)

I'm sure you didn't want to hear that from your neighbor, but remember, these are young boys - they are curious - and they know nothing about sex, so it was completely out of innocence and curiousity. It's normal. I absolutely would not punish them or even scold them about it.

No need to be embarrassed. This is a natural curiosity for boys and girls of this age. I would explain why it is better to only touch his "privates" and that it is natural for him to be curious. But, if he has more questions about privates then he should come to you or dad. Then be open to all that he will ask....which can be anything!!! I don't believe it is to something to punish him for as most likely you never really said that it was a bad thing. But, put guidelines and if he crosses them then take action.
Good luck!

I couldn't say anything better than Heather K. Perfect. Like she said, do not make too big of a deal of it to avoid him feeling to shameful. It is a tender subject.

Good luck....(and btw, my daughter has been through it when she was 6, but is 7 now...and that is exactly how I handled it...were doing fine)

A.

It's completely normal. We had an incident with our, then 6 yr. old in kindergarten...another boy showed his privates to my son, and my son, in turn, showed his. However, only my son was caught doing this, and he didn't tell on his friend. So my child got in trouble, met with the principle, all that stuff. I had a conference with the principle and his teacher. Then my son came in and all 4 of us talked. We didn't punish my son, because he honestly didn't know any better. In a world that is so forthcoming with sex and sexual behaviors, my son is very sheltered. He thinks sex is kissing, lol. So my husband & I sat him down and explained the appropriate and inappropriate behaviors for school and friends. Once he understood that his privates should be kept just that...private...everything was ok. I really wanted to tell the school that the other kid initiated this, but after a lengthy discussion about it with my husband, decided not to. We didn't want the other child and our son's friendship to be harmed, plus the fact that the kid probably would have denied it, seeing the trouble our son got into. Then it'd be one against the other, with only our son being caught. So hang in there, sit down with him and explain that his privates are off-limits with friends.

Dr. Dobson says it's normal for boys to be curious about this, especially in this age range. He thinks you do a lot more harm than good by making a huge deal out of incidents like this, and he seems fairly outraged that nowadays an occasional child's explorations are considered to be sexual harassment. I have 3 boys of my own, and I agree. But you obviously can't have them making a habit of approaching other children this way, so my thought is that the best tactic would be to tell him he's normal for being curious and do everything you can to remove the shame he feels about having this made into a big deal. But explain that private parts are private... if he has questions he can ask you and dad, but discussions about private things are best kept within the family so other people don't have misunderstandings about intentions. (Incidentally, we keep goats and have them bred regularly, so LOTS of questions come up! My guys have seemed to understand this distinction between family discussions and public topics of conversation very well--more than I thought they would yet.) I think the key is to make it clear that there's no shame in being curious (or even being naked at the younger ages) in the safe confines of your family, but outside of that the expectations are different. Funny thing the other day, my boys were running around in their underwear and my friend came over... I told them to put some shorts on and my 3 year-old asked why, so without thinking I answered "because we wear clothes when other people are around." She cracked up about the implication about all the other times! That led to a whole string of jokes about not showing up at our house unannounced. :)

Such behavior is not unusual in boys and/or girls of this age.
You have done the right thing in calling it to his attention.
Have you explained to him the difference between boys and girls?
We used to call such behavior "playing doctor".
Although ours involved "looking" only.
And, of course, he should NEVER let anyone touch him there, so, in turn, he should NOT touch anyone else.
Stop freaking out and be matter-of fact about it.

It is completely normal for kids to do this. Brush it off. Address it if it continues to happen. Don't punish him for being curious. As a parent of 3 boys, all of them went through the "curious stage". I didn't freak out when I caught them in the bathtub. I explained very calmly that we keep our hands to ourselves. I showed them a medical journal and very matter of factly explained what everything was. I think if you freak out, you would add shame and guilt for just being normally curious.

Based on my experience with one of my boys and talking to many other parents, of boys and girls, this is not at all uncommon. I think the best way I have heard of explaining to a child about what is their "no touch/show" area is: if a bathing suit covers it (bottoms for boys, bottom and top for girls), you should not be showing it to others or allowing others to touch it, with the exception of mom/dad to clean and bathe and doctors while a parent is in the room.

Hope this helps.

Hi, D. --

Well, I am no expert, but I am not surprised to hear that a little boy would be interested in another boy's private parts. I can only imagine how interesting these various, hidden body parts are to little kids, even if they're just like their own, and I would bet that that curiosity is very normal.

I think your approach is exactly right. I would try to handle things as calmly as possible and not to make your son feel bad about the situation. We emphasize to our daughter that she is the only person allowed to touch her private parts, and that she is not to touch the private parts of anyone else. She seems to get it - in fact, today, my husband was resting on the bed with his shirt off because it's so blazing hot here. She said, "Those are Daddy's boobies, but only Daddy can touch his boobies, and only I can touch mine, and only you can touch yours, right Mommy?" to which I agreed.

I think we try so hard to think of the different warnings and prepare our kids in advance for situations, but their little brains don't always extrapolate from the specific instructions you've given them to a particular situation. So, don't feel bad if you've had similar discussions with your son in the past and he just didn't apply it here.

I had a situation recently at a children's clothing store where I'd permitted my daughter to play in a little playroom while I shopped with the understanding that she was to NOT leave the room for ANYONE other than me. I even went so far as to rehearse with her that if anyone said they were taking her to me she was to say, "No, I am staying here until my Mommy comes," (which was every 2 minutes, since I was checking on her). Well, the 2 minutes had nearly elapsed, and I was heading back to check her when I heard her at the end of the aisle where I'd been shopping. As it turned out, she'd just decided she'd had enough of being in there and had let herself out. That was not a scenario we'd covered because I'd been so focussed on making sure nobody took her out or let her out.

Anyway, she didn't extrapolate from all my instructions that I did NOT want her to leave that room for any reason. So, your son may have thought "Mommy told me not to let anyone touch my privates," but didn't realize he shouldn't be doing that to someone else.

I think this will be something you'll laugh at down the road, though I'm sure it was horribly shocking at the time. It's actually great that it happened now because you can address it so that he understands what the rules are going forward.

I wish you all the best. I'm sure that things will be fine. You'll know if this becomes any kind of problem, and you can handle it appropriately if that situation arises, but I will bet that this was just a blip of childhood curiosity and nothing to worry about.

Take care,
H.

you did the right thing by explaing you dont do that now stop freaking out and leave it be. It is normal for children to be curious and to do things like that.... if the actins weresexual as in having sex, in mouth etc concern ..however this was normal curiousity is yours like mine kind of thing. A simple hey buddy, you don;t touch someone elses private parts EVER and maybe a non confrontational what were you curious about daddy and I are here to answer your questions about these things... he may have just wondered if they all looked and felt the same ...and at 6 it is the normal age for that type of curiousity. stop worrying

I think seriuosly someone has touched him. Please get him into counciling. It may only become worse.
I was molested and raped at a young age. My youngest son was touched by a much older girl.
You also need to find out if he has been touched who it was and make sure he never sees this person again. I say this because no matter what you say if this continues he WILL believe it's okay. I did. My mother who knew NEVER did anything to stop it.
I have never did things like this to children because I did not want them to suffer what I have been through.
I am 52 and still have issues. I avoid family reunions, and certain other family gatherings. Too affraid I will run into them. Also it was on both sides of the family.

Hi D..
I have been around a lot of boys in my time. And have nephews that I pretty much grew up with and even babysat or even helped raise. I have never heard or seen any kind of behavior like that at all. That is usually a sign of being taught, or being molested. I am not accusing, but I would talk to a doctor about this or even a counselor about this. Its normal when they touch themselves or curious about seeing others, but not touching others. Some kids might get curious to touch the opposite sex, but not of the same. Sorry if you misconstrude this, not meaning to make it out that way and I could understand. One of my neices on the other hand had been molested by one of her uncles on her dads side of the family who is only 4 years older than her. And we found out that his dad had taught him to be like that and has forced him on his nephew who's only 2 years younger than him and she did try doing naughty things to her little brother. So I would keep an eye on it and talk to a doctor. You did good by explaining to him that its uncalled for. Also you don't need to be embarrassed about it, its not like you can control some kids' behavior. Just like my daughter who's 10years old, she's very flirtatious with boys, yet kind of mean to them as well. And she hounds older guys like my sisters boyfriend who's 21. I have to appologize to him about it and tell her that she needs to stop. Its okay to like guys/boys, but not to throw yourself at them. She's getting better. My nephews have touched themselves. I won't say they don't and that is normal for boys. And as they get older and they start experiencing the hard ons and don't even know what they are, they will ask or do things to try to make them go down, but not knowing its a bad thing. So maybe your son is just curious if his friend is experiencing things like him or if his looks like his or if he has something that looks like a girls part. I know I just kind of contradicted myself a little there, but all kids are different and times are different. I would say just make sure that you let him know how you feel about it and what and when it is appropriate. :) Good Luck.

My son never went through anything like this and he is 9. I wouldn't panic to much yet. I would start asking some questions though. Like, Where he might have learned this type of behavior. Make sure that he hasn't been touched inappropriately by someone else. Childrens safety is of utmost importance to me. I fight for childrens rights. I think this would be a really good time to discuss good touch/bad touch with him, for his own safety as well as understanding what he should and should not do to others. Like I said before though, I believe it might be a good idea to probe this just a bit further and try to find out if this behavior is curiosity or learned. Rather safe than sorry. Good luck to you and your son. I hope you get this figured out. If I can help you any further, please don't hesitate to ask. Shannon G.

It is normal for children his age to be curouis about is parts and parts of others. Dont punish him and try not to over react. None of this is about sex for him so explain why it is ok only to touch his parts and for no one to touch his parts. Bring it down to a 6 yr old level so you dont give him to much info that is not needed for his age. I am a preschool teacher and we would have a bathing suit discussion about no one can touch you where ever a bathing suit touches, and that dose mean no one. Teach about respecting his body and the privicy of other peoples body. just remember dont make him feel bad about his body or that his parts are a bad thing or bad about what he did he was just courious.

good luck

Hi D., Relax, this is perfectly normal curiosity. Children just need to be taught what is inappropriate. A little boy put his hand down the back of my daughter's pants in school. Don't be embarrassed! God Bless! N. L.

It's just like kids playing doctor. There is no malicious intent and so you shouldn't punish him. He was just interested. Maybe one of them is circumsized and the other isn't and he was wondering what the difference was? Any how, you were right to explain that it's in appropriate to do this. Also, use this as a teaching tool so that he knows if anyone else (especially someone older) ever asks to see or touch his private parts, he should say no and tell you about it right away.

This is generally common behavior for your son's age. I think the important thing is to calmly talk about appropriate boundaries without shaming a child about his or her own private parts. Sometimes it's hard for us to think through the mind of a child who has not learned the boundaries and restrictions we've had years to learn! I personally don't believe punishing would be appropriate for this first time, but that is of course your decision. Also, as parents in this day and age we must be especially aware of child molestors, so it is important for us to create the type of relationship that our children can feel okay to share if someone has touched them inappropriately. That is why I feel it is good not to shame him about this incident because if he feels guilt and blame from something that is a common stage of childhood development and curiosity, he may not feel safe coming to you if something inappropriate were to be done to him. God bless!

We had a similiar experience here about 3 years ago. It was the five year old neighbor boy asking my year older child basically the same thing. The baby sitter caught them both bare butt naked in her livingroom.
My question was why would you do that? I got the most confusing answer regarding the situation I have ever heard!! I sat down with my child, explained why that was just not done, had my brother explain it to him as well and he was only allowed to play with the other child under strict supervision for the next year. There was no actual punishment for either of them but as this was a part of a series of acts I disapproved from coming from the other child and play time was restricted to the under strict supervision rule and I told the babysitter I would need to find someone else if she couldn't adhere to the rule. It never has happened again.
I feel your pain, your embarassment, and actually your shame about the situation.
Dwelling on it won't help the situation for anyone. You have done the best you can do about it. All you can do now is be on guard for a little while, don't harp on it, and try to get on with your life.