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Seeking Help on Dealing with Teenage Girl Relationship with Boys

I have a 12 year old daughter who has been on the internet pretending to be older than what she really is. she uses graphic language to describe how she will interact sexually with boys who she communicates with. she has few friends who are girls but always talk to boys. I believe she is a virgin still but she pretends that she is not. Her father and I are divorced, but she still continues to have a good relationship with both of us. she also has very suggestive pictures of herself on the internet. Can someone out there provide advice on how to handle this situation?

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This is scary...get help from the local authorites. Take her down to the local police station and ask for a female officer to talk to her. What she is doing is very, very dangerous. Sit down and have a frank discussion about Sex. Let her know you are there for her. Good Luck!!

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I met a man in chicago who owned a company that had a product that allowed parents to track all interenet activity. I agree sinister reasons need to be investigated but in these days graphic sex is EVERYWHERE so it may be as benign as too much media time. good luck!

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Run, don't walk, to a counselor. In addition to the suggestions to take away and monitor computer access, which I agree with, there has to be something else going on for her to engage in some of these behaviors. Your daughter needs to see someone to talk about what's going on with her, and you and her dad should participate in whatever ways the counselor or therapist suggests. There is an element of respect and privileges, etc. for your daughter, but most 12 year old girls are not behaving this way. I'm not naive enough to believe that some kids don't behave this way, but really, it's not the norm. Good luck to you and your daughter. She needs your love and support, along with limits, and consequences.

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Hi M.,
i can relate to your daughter in a lot of ways. I'am now 20 and live with regret of the things that i have done in the past. i want to tell you my story so that hopefully you can find a way to do things differently then my mother did for me and find away that will bring your daughters confidence in herself up. so here it goes, Now im not saying that this happen to your daughter but it could have beacuse it was a reason for my actions, but it could also be the exposer to our children as in the image that the world porstarys to them that they have to be sickly skinny and dress like there harlets ect. but pretty much all my life i was malested by family and friends of the family even a classmate tried raping me and this started at age 4 until i was 11 when i opened my mouth about my stepfather hurting me. when i told my mother she didnt believe me and saqid that i wasnt a virgin when i got my period at 11 and i was just a liar tring to ruin her marriage i was a child i didnt worry about her marriage and i lived with my father, but i acted just like your daughter when i turned 12 or 13 and by 15 i had lost my virginty and got pergnant a year later thankfully and i kno this isnt rite but at that age i wasnt ready but i miscarried but only cuz the boy that i was with just wasnt with me and he cought an std thankfully it wasnt anything perminit, and because of all the hurt in my life i had become bitter and didnt care about myself and my body and my virginity ment nothing to me. i had a boyfriend at your daughters ages and a child that young should be focasing on school, another thing school i was terrible i didnt care, i was very direpectfull to my parents i did whatever i wanted and no one could tell me differently and i wish that my mother would of handled everything like a mother should cuz i strongly believe that my life would be so different and it wasnt til i had my daughter 8 months ago that i realized that what i was doing in my life and what i was doing to myself wasnt the rite. and i can only make it better by doing things differently for my daughter. i think you should talk to your daughter and ask her and tell her to be honest and that you will be there to protect her and believe every word of what she says and that it will help to let go of whatever it is that she is not saying and it will make her feel 100x better and if this is not the case look into who she is hanging around with, she can be a victem of another child who also is a victem from somebody else. but if your daughter has never been touch in any wrong way just talk to her about what bothering you she may not be willing to tell you rite away but it important that you sit her down and make her talk to you about whatever it is of course be understanding (very important) and listen to her and dont just be her mother be her friend. please do your best do not just let this go i do not wish what i went threw and my life on any child and if i could go back and change my life i would and many others to. my life is difficult now i didnt get to graduate on time and go to college right away, i love my daughter by even at 19,20 i was not ready but im thankfully for her cuz she helps push me do whats rite and im thankful that her father is still with and by my side and not many men do so. sometimes it take these types of things for teens to realize what there doing may not be the smartest thing. i hope this help in some way and if you need someone to talk to your daughter that went down her path i would be glad to do so she might need someone that went threw what she is, it might helper but i think you will do a fantastic job in talking to her because obiviously yo love her to ends of the earth to ask for advice on what to do i know you want the best for your daughter, she is a lucky girl to have a mother like you i wish i could of had the same =) well i hope everything works out and good luck!

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Time on a computer is a privilege-one that she has clearly abused. Need to set some hard and fast rules Mom, after having a serious talk with her about her behavior. Make it clear why you are upset with her, and what she needs to do to get her privileges back. She could do this at a friends house as well so maybe those privs need to be suspended for a time too. I would certainly be sure she understands how much you love her and are afraid she is actually endangering herself. There is alot of info about all of this out there now, so get some and make her read it, view it or whatever. The next step is finding out what is missing from her life that she feels the need to do this. She may require some therapy or you both may as a family. Get to the bottom of it. It isn't only about punishment-teens will ultimately do what they will. You want to be firm but loving. The bond between you is very important at this time. And of course get Dad involved too. He may freak out though-be prepared. You both need to be on the same page. Essential! Good luck.

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Take the computer away. If you need to use it yourself for important things then I know there is a way to lock her out of it but not sure how. You know how dangerous this can be. And you are lucky you are dealing with this now. Although you can't stop her elsewhere you can show her you mean business. I have two sons and a couple of things have happened that prove to me how scarey it is and could have gotten. And get counseling for her pretty quickly. She is normal in that her hormones kicked in and she wants attention for being a beautiful girl, but sadly these things can become worse. You are lucky that she is in a good relationship with both you and your ex. Now is a time if possible that you and your ex might have to come together and explain the seriousness of it. If you can't talk to him about it then find another person to be with you if you are uncomfortable on your own. Then reestablish computer use. She might need it for homework (so they say) but having worked in schools there is plenty of time to use school computers and they are generally not permitted in the personal websites. Without detailing you know the dangers lurking out there and you are wise handling this right away. I wish I could be there to help you and talk to her-that is your baby and you love her so much even if she is twelve. Good luck to you!

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This is your shot to pull her back to you instead of pushing her away. First don't let her bedroom be an apartment...kids have televisions, phones, computers, and some even cute little fridges in their rooms. They start to wall themselves off in their little apartments. Parents let them because they are trying to give them space to grow. Kids do it to be left alone because either something is bothering them or they don't want you to know what they are really doing. If there are suggestive pictures of her on the internet it is potentially illegal if you know hoe remove them, if not get help to remove them. Talk to her, ask her what is going on with her, find out if someone has touched her or hurt her. Show her pictures(yes they are disqusting) of STD's, drug addicted peoples sores and have her help you with a volunteer job at a homeless shelter. Where she will see young mom's struggling, what can happen if she gets in a hard place. Also talk to Dad, if he has visitation rights make sure they are going okay and that there is always supervision now is not the time to leave this child alone or assume she is mature enough to handle things...there will be a time for that.

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Get rid of her computer access!

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She is 12...Pay close attention to her. She could be doing exactly what some of her friends are telling her to do. She could also being acting out because of the divorced...In any event, take the computer and if possible make sure her internet access is limited. Explain why the pics should not be on the web and along with her take them down.

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M., you indicated you believe your daughter is still a virgin. I'm certain that you have talked to her openly about sex and the consequences of it prior to marriage. I have one daughter who by God's grace didn't come into her own until away from home (college). I did have to allow her to have a "friend boy" (I was in denial). She was very open and honest with me and I didn't want her sneaking around doing anything. You are in control of your home and what is in it. She should have limited use of the internet and retricted sights. This might cause her not to be your best friend but at this stage you really don't want her to be your best friend. You should also get your ex involved and let him know exactly what is going on. Although you are divorced you may wan to consider counselling because you never know where this type of behavior has come from. A good church and the fear of God is also very important, especially in these times. Good luck and God bless!

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Aren't you the mother? Take away her toys! Any child who is disrespectful of the house rules , let alone the parents, should lose their priviledges NOW not tomorrow. Ok, she thinks she is grown, wrong she is the child. It is up to you to make the difference and set the wrong right. You say she has a good relationship with Dad, what's his take on her awful behaviour? Excercise you parental rights and BLOCK OUT CERTAIN ENJOYABLE SITES ON HER COMPUTER. If that does not work. TAKE IT INDEFINETLY!!! If you are not the boss, then who is? I abhor that tv show the Nanny or something like that. The english woman vivits your house and teaches you how to control a two year old. What in the sam-hill is going on with parents today? Your job is to raise up a child in the way they should go: not in the way they choose... Don't fail at your job because you don't have to.

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I met a man in chicago who owned a company that had a product that allowed parents to track all interenet activity. I agree sinister reasons need to be investigated but in these days graphic sex is EVERYWHERE so it may be as benign as too much media time. good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hey there,

This is a tough situation. First, I would try having a very candid conversation with her with why this concerns you and how she should be acting. If you are not comfortable or if you think that she will not respond well to you, maybe have a close friend or family member have a conversation with her too (depending on your friend, you can ask them to do it alone or with you).

I wish the best for you and your family!!

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Hi M., get a grip on her before it is too late. First things first, take away her computer time. She is headed for disater. Don't let her use it. If you have to, take the cord with you when you go to work, hid the computer, if she uses a computer at school, make her teacher aware of what she is doing. Do whatever it takes to stop this. And let her know that you are aware of what she is doing. Yes, of course, she is going to be upset, but try to explain to her about the dangers of what she is doing. Most important of all, take the computer away. If she needs it for homework, monitor what she is doing on the P.C. No, we don't want to mointor our kids, but this is what can happen when we don't.

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This is scary...get help from the local authorites. Take her down to the local police station and ask for a female officer to talk to her. What she is doing is very, very dangerous. Sit down and have a frank discussion about Sex. Let her know you are there for her. Good Luck!!

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hi, i have a teenage daughter as well and the first thing you need to do is to remember that you are in control and she is not. The pictures on the internet can be stopped by YOU, sorry to be so forward, but they can be. I have, at times, taken all computer access away from our daughter and you have that right as well. I would first, disconnect her access to the internet. There are ways to password protect things so that she cannot access them and you can totally stop them as well. The language she uses, there are ways to have consequences for that kind of behavior. I know that this all sounds forward, but you are in control, consequences are needed and believe it or not, this may be a way she is looking for attention from either one of you. It may be negative attention, but it is attention none-the-less. God Bless!

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I agree with the other posters that this is very dangerous behavior -- so many sexual predators use the Internet to take advantage of girls like your daughter. So you need to put an end to her Internet use right away. But I think there is also a deeper issue here. Seems like maybe she is trying to use her sexuality to gain attention/acceptance. Somehow you need to help her develop the self confidence to realize she has so much more to offer. Maybe counseling or a good mentor would help?

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My first thing would be no more internet for awhile. Then I would block some of the sights she is on, and keep a very watchful eye when she is on the internet. I would also limit her computer time, and password lock the computer so she cannot go on when you are not around. Maybe set up a schedule for when she can be on the computer.

I have 3 girls, and there will be no computers in their rooms, just one in a common area for everyone.

Forgot to add, that I would also have you and your ex have a very candid conversation with her about this behavior

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Hi M.,

Computer rights taken away - closely monitored so that she is unable to "connect" with others - school related only - move the computer where she can be monitored at all times.

Secondly, where is she geting this ? Friends? Time to make new friends that are a great influence for her.

At 12 -she needs to be involved in sports or some other activities. What does she like? Find out her strenghs and focus on getting her to use these to the best of her ability.

My first thought is cutting off friends and computer, til you can get her back to 12 yrs old. Start looking at her choice of friends and when this began????

This is where your "boundaries" and supervision need to be a priority. This is your mission -one day at a time.

I hope this helps- remember you are the parent -you set the guidelines and let her know what you expect of her and set the ground rules with consequences.

This behavior will only escalate -she is way way to young to even think this behavior is acceptable.

Back to Mom, Dad and daughter time. Keep her engaged with both of you and let her know what you expect of her - she's not too young -and it's never too late.

Best of Luck to you -

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WOW!!!!!! Certainly alot to deal with and probably unexpected. The advice I give you is not that of a mother but it is that of one who has gone through all the rebellion years as a child. Now that I am older I can look back and see why I did what I did ans what drove me to it.

First and foremost I believe in having relationships with your children. Having said that before you have this kind of relationship with your child you first have to be a parent. And it sounds like you are still in the parenting years rather than the friendship years with your daughter. I am not sure how you found this out of your daughter but it sounds like you maybe looked through the history of internet browser. I would def. put parental controls on your computer. Talk sex with her. MTV has a show on call 16 and pregnant. Very sad to see these girls and what they have to go through. Talk disease. In the last 2 months I have had 3 girls come in and tell me they have been diagnosed with HPV. Somehow explain to her that what she is doing isn't really making her look cool, it's just the begining of a horrible reputation that will be hard to shake off.
Watch her like a hauk (OMG I can't believe I forgot how to spell). If she is "faking" this kind of interaction with others she can be "faking" it with you. Show her you trust her but always I guess maybe second guess what she is telling you. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I work in River Forest a well established community with pretty high income and possibilities are endless for children. My adolescent patients come inand TALK to me and the stuff they tell me is surprising. 12 year olds are having sex. And when I asked why well in the heat of the moment you just can't control yourself. WHAT!!!!!! 12-14 year olds getting in the heat of the moment.
I think of what could have helped me when I was younger and I think again having a motehr and not a friend. Good muck mama this is not a pretty age and it can only get worse.

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Eeek! That is a dangerous road that your daughter is taking. You need to sit down and talk to her about it. If you two are close go out for lunch and talk about things. Let her know what kind of repercussions await those kinds of actions. But let her know that you're there for her, the last thing you want to do is fan the fires of rebellion any more. She may need some counseling because of the divorce. All the kids I've met that come from a divorced home have some kind of struggle, lots of them rebel. (I have worked with lots of kids in youth group and camp). Maybe limit her internet use until she can prove herself responsible. I would also let her know how careful she should be, there are some really creepy folks looking for kids like her. I hope things go well for you M.!

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Don't get mad or freak out at your daughter. That will just make her want to be more secretive. The fact that she has pretended that it isn't her says that somewhere in her head, she realizes this will upset you or that it isn't a good idea. BE THE MOM- you have to take control of the situation. Just because we have cell phones and computers, etc. does not make them a RIGHT, they are a privilege.

Sit down and talk with her, OFTEN.Over and over, at breakfast, in the car, before bedtime. Make time for heart to heart talks- they may start out one-sided with you doing all the talking, but eventually she will open up as well. Be objective and not personally critical, but you might start by saying something like,

"I don't know if those things you talk about online are things you are really interested in doing, or if you're just talking. Either way, we are just very concerned because we know that even though YOU would try to be smart and take care of yourself in any situation, a lot of people are just waiting out there to take advantage of girls. Even older girls who are in college have had really bad things happen to them, when all they were doing was trying to have some fun or goof around and we never want anything like that to happen to you. So understand that anything we say or do is coming from our love of you and the fact that we want to protect you. We are disappointed and a little shocked that this is the person you want to show other people online. We know that you're growing up, but this person doesn't look or sound like the smart, talented, confident young woman that we know."

There are a lot of great books on girls' self image and sexuality- find some and highlight some parts and sit down with your daughter to read them. Try to get her to talk about WHY she was doing this? Teen rebellion? Trying to impress her friends or a boy? Or maybe just because the Internet is so anonymous she felt like she could and you wouldn't find out.

Emphasize the dangers. And limit her internet time and even her social life until you feel like she gets it. No matter how resistant she is to talking about these issues or how embarrassed you are, keep at it, over and over, but in a loving and firm way, until you feel you can trust her. If you CAN'T- then be very honest about it. Say

"We've always wanted you to have new experiences and be able to go out with your friends. But the way that you've been using the Internet shows us that you are not ready to handle that freedom, so we're going to have to take it away until you can convince us that you can. We're also going to have to make your curfew earlier and limit your time out with friends. We want to be able to trust you- but this online behavior makes us worry about what you might get into in real life, so you are going to have to earn our trust back and prove to us that you can be responsible before we allow you these privileges again."

Make sure her father is involved also and that you are on the same page with punishments and privileges. Taking away the internet is a definite thing to do- but don't just let her go over to her friends' house or get online through her phone or something to get around you. You have to become the smart tech-savvy parent and know who her friends are and their parents. If she is embarrassed by this, she has brought it on herself.
I'm sure she will be angry, but just hang in there. Someday she will thank you for it.

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Oh my gosh, you've got to get her off the internet!!!!! Yes, you may be her least favorite person for a while, but if you consider the alternative, you'll realize that it will be worth the uncomfortability of having to confront your daughter and lay down the law. We're talking major potential of having this end up badly if you don't intervene. Pregnancy? Stalkers? Sexually transmitted diseases? Worse? There are so many predators out there just SEARCHING for young girls like your daughter. There's more to this than your daughter just spending time on the computer as a pasttime. She is seeking out attention from males in a very unhealthy way. She's doesn't seem to value herself as she should. To speaking in a crude, sexual way and to be posting suggestive pictures of herself...she would probably do well to have some counseling (though won't like the idea). And this is the perfect chance to be the mom you need to be. You have got to step in...even if this hasn't been your "style" up to this point. Your daughter's life depends on it. PLEASE step in. #1 - remove the pictures from the internet (are they posted on "myspace"?). Delete them if at all possible. #2 - your daughter should have NO access to the internet without your supervision. She'll hate this! Be wary of access she may have at friends' houses, etc. #3 - buy software to protect against things like this...parental locks that actually keep her off of certain sites. #4 - if she's shared her e-mail address, eliminate it. #5 - put the computer in a shared space...NOT in her bedroom or another room where she can be alone. #6 - regulate how long / what time of day she can be on the internet. (Best case scenario is that you just eliminate her access to the internet altogether until she is trustworthy enough to then be on it with your supervision). Please take this seriously!!!! This is not something to wish away and do nothing about. Your daughter is expressing some major needs...she needs you/even wants you to protect her from this! She's only 12 years old!!!!

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First of all, of course, take away computer access. Also, if the pictures are posted on facebook or somewhere, get in touch with them and take them off!
I think she is looking for attention. Have you recently relocated her or anything like that? Kids that are pre-teen/teen are always looking for social acceptance. It is very important to fit in and be in a social network. If they dont have many friends, they look for whatever they can do to be popular. That means popular with girls, or boys.
Get this under control while you still can, as noted in other's postings. whatever you do, don't try to be her friend. Be her mother. She needs the attention, guidance and discipline from YOU.

Hi M. Take her computer from her or had in a area in the home where you can see what she's doing. Because she is going to end up chating with the wrong person and this can be deadly!!!! Take her for counseling to see way she feels the need to interact sexually over the internet and show suggestive pictures of herslf.

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