Seeking Discipline Ideas

Dear L., This is a tough subject and so many people have problems with this. I am currently taking a course to where I will be able to help parents, daycares, and etc with discipline problems and ideas to help maintain structure.

The following things are very important for your daughter to do with her children at either ages
1.CONSISTANCY
2. GET ON THE CHILD'S LEVEL -Do not bring the child to your level you go to them
3. Tell the child that this is their one warning if they do it again place them in time out. Same place each time do not move this around. Remember CONSISTANCY
4.Make the child aware of the hurt that their action caused
5. If the child does it again then stick to your guns and place the child in timeout 1 minute per age. IF THEY GET OUT IT STARTS OVER. They can cry, kick scream whatever as long as they are in their spot CONSISTANCY
6. when the time is up then talk to the child and again show them the damage he or she may have caused and have them say I'm sorry.
NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS AT FIRST AND IT IS GOING TO BE TELL YOUR DAUGHTER TO BE CONSISTANT.

Good luck and prayers to you and your daughter

Hi L.~

I actually know where your coming from. My husband is military as well and I have been where your daughter is today. My husband and I were stationed out of Ft. Leavenworth KS and well needless to say I was raising a child on my own ( at that time I only had 1 child ).We were there 3 yrs and he was home maybe 3 months out of the 3 yrs we were there he was always TDY ( deployed somewhere ). He was deployed to Iraq in 03 for a year and a half and I thought I was going to lose it. My son never really did the hitting nor the biting but the not listening yes yes he did that. I believe that is a typical 2 yr BOY thing to be honest with you but what I did is set him in the corner for 2 mins ( yes they do understand what is going on ) you have to explain to him this is why your in the corner and mommy doesn't like it when your not listening. If he keeps this up then I would put him in his room or take his favorite toy away from him. As for the hitting and biting, I know this sounds really mean for the bitting and my doctor told me to do this, bite him back NOT hard but enough to scare him and then ask him how it felt when mommy bit him, although I never done this but a lot of my friends have and they told me this does work, I raither get down to him level and in a ferm tone let him know that was not good and the next time he does that he will get something taken or put in the corner. As for the hitting when he starts to hit I would hold him hands down, get down to his level and tell him there is no hitting, its not nice and that upsets mommy. I think her son is retaleating against her because daddy is not home to help out. Does she have play dates with her children and other children ? that helps out alot, let me remind you THIS IS A NATURAL thing and this is a Typical 2 yr habits when they know something is going on. Just tell her to be patient with her babies, time outs work wonders even at the age of 2. But it the biting gets bad I would go to her doctor and speak to him/ her about this situation. It will pass I promise, please let your daughter know she is in my prayers and that everything is going to be ok, they always are... If she needs to talk to anyone my email is ____@____.com.. I'm a wife who knows what she is going through. Its a whole knew ball game when your dealing with a military spouse and her husband is deployed to Iraq. So please if you or her need anything please feel free to email me anytime..

Blessings to you
S. K

Hello! Were the children like this before their father was deployed? If they were, then the discipline problems are there because they were never set any boundaries in the beginning. If it's happened since he left, then the children are not only probably acting out because their dad isn't around, but moreso because their "daddy's not around" and they know that they can get away with it with mommy. See the difference?

The kids need to be able to predict what the consequences are of their actions. That's the only way they'll learn what they can and cannot get away with. One thing I did with my daughter when she was 3, was make a "discipline chart". In my opinion, I believe that this is the age where they really start to see how much they can get away with. There were about 5 different things that she was doing that she was getting in trouble for. They were anything from lying, to hitting, or not listening, etc. I didn't feel that if I did the same punishment each time, it would have a consistent lesson behind it. So, I sat down with her, and together we decided what punishment each action had. They were things like "time out, giving mommy some money out of her piggy bank, spanking, etc." This worked really well, mainly because it worked really well for me. I found that I was no longer getting all mad during the day, because instead of getting worked up, and then trying to figure out how to handle her behavior, it was all written out for me. I would just take her hand, walk over to the chart, and read what her punishment was. I strongly recommend this for mothers who are having trouble staying calm during the day because they find that they're kids are "always getting in trouble". Back to your daughter, if one bites the other and sometimes doesn't get in trouble with it, then they will always take the chance that they "might get away with it this time".
If the kids aren't listening to her, I would do something like take toys away, turn off the tv...something that they will have to earn back. If the behavior is physical, I would get down to his level and look him in the eyes and tell him that biting, kicking, or whatever, is not acceptable. She can try a time out, but sometimes that doesn't work. Something like hitting or kicking, really needs a harsher punishment. I would figure out what toy he has that is very important to him, and I would take it away. I would get down on my knees, look him in the eyes and say "honey, I know that you're sad that I took mr. snuggles ( you catch the drift) away, I know how much he means to you. I will be happy to give him back to you when you've earned him back. To do that, there will be no more hitting or kicking for the rest of the day." If he does it again, take the next favorite toy away.

My little boy who's 3 could care less about a time out, so she may find that a time out doesn't work. With my son, I take him into his room and sit him on his bed and tell him he's not allowed to get down until I come and get him. If he gets down, I don't talk to him, put him back on the bed, and walk away. I find that this works well when he's whining about something or isn't sharing his toys or something, something that isn't as necessary for as harsh of a punishment.

Once she establishes that she is the one in control, she will find that the kids will start to behave. Once the kids realize that they can't push mom around, they will start to listen. Remind her that no matter how hard it is to constantly be motivated to enforce the rules of the house, it's absolutely imperative that it's done. It's not only for her sake, but for the sake of the children. Children need to understand the concepts of consequences. They need structure, and they need to feel like they're good children. It's kinda hard for that to happen when they're acting up all the time and are in trouble for half the day. If you're constantly at them because they're misbehaving, it kinda "brainwashes" them, for lack of better word this early in the morning, into thinking that they really are a bad kid, and then they're actions will follow what they believe they should be doing. Also, in the meantime, until this behavior is under control, please tell her to always always always take notice of the times when they are being good. On a day when I feel that my kids are being really bad, I always go to each of them when they're being good, even if it's only for 5 minutes that they've been good, and I pick them up, give them hugs and kisses, and tell them I love them.

Watch Super nanny, I swear her techniques work!!! As silly as it sounds!

Part of it sounds like the kids may be acting out...it may have something to do with the deployment of their father. Their world may seem unstable and frightening with his absense. Or it could be terrible two's...it starts usually at 1 1/2 years and continues until...well...forever, but not to worry...one day they will move out and have kids of their own...that'll teach them...LOL. Basically all she can do is set rules and limitations and consequenses for when they break the rules and limitations and be consistant with it. Eventually they will settle down. Kids seem to be a bit more of a handful in single parent households...key words are "seem to be". They go through the same behavior that other kids go through, but it's harder for the single parent to deal with because instead of having their significant other to pitch in and help out, they're having to deal with it alone 24/7. There were times that I was certain that I had the ultimate worst kids, but then when I got around other kids the same ages, that's when I would see that mine weren't so bad after all, just I was the only one dealing with it. And while technically she's not a single parent, while he's deployed for all intensive purposes, she is. Consistancy is key in any method of discapline. I would always tell my kids to go to their room until they could stop what ever inappropriate behavior they were doing. If they came out still acting inappropriately I would simply inform them that they weren't done and send them back. Eventually they learned how long it took them personally to sort themselves out...therefore learning self control. For 2 and 3 year olds, they tend to lash out when they don't know how to express themselves. She might work with them on feeling words such as angry, bored, annoyed, happy, sad, so that they can learn to tell others "I'm angry when you take that toy away from me" instead of biting or hitting. And if worse comes to worse, maybe she needs a time out. Maybe there's another parent that she can take turns babysitting with so that they can have a break once a week without kids. Even if it's only a couple hours a week, it can do wonders. And patience is key also...the kids didn't start acting like this in one day and it's going to take more than one day to sort them. Good luck.

I am dealing with the same thing with my 4 1/2 year old. I am trying to really come down and stick to my guns with him. His father and I parted ways after he decided he was not ready to be a full time dad when I was pregnant. He is involved with our son - but we have different discipline ideas. This makes the transition hard. I don't have all the answers, but she may want to get aggression intervention now. My son is now hitting and kicking his teachers, and it's getting harder to deal with. I am thinking we are going to have to see a therapist as well. My son is very smart, and fun/affectionate, but it's getting worse all the time. Good luck, keep your chin up and help support her. AND Thank You for your Husbands supporting our freedom - along with you living alone while they do so. God Bless the USA!

I also have a 2 and 3 year old. I know that this seems mean but you know that no bite for nails, my 2 year old kept biting and one say I put the no bite stuff on my finger, let it dry, and every time she bit someone I put it on her tongue. It took a week for her to stop biting. Again I know that this seems mean but it helped with my daughter. As far as not listening and hitting, try putting them in their room with the door shut and tell them that they will not be allowed out until they tell her what they did wrong and why it was wrong. Hope this helps

I highly recommend the book "1, 2, 3 Magic!" It is a very quick read, and highly effective. The techniques work quickly and are easy to implement anywhere. This is what we use with our 2 year old little girl. Good luck!