Seeking Behavior Advice for My Four Year Old

My son is 4 1/2 and is in preschool. We haven't had any issues with him and there have been only a few issues with the other students that I know of. (BTW, we are sending him to a prek next year. He does well with the school work, but he is timid and seems a bit intimidated by the social aspects of school. He has a June bday.) As a mom there are a few questions I would ask. First, what is causing these behaviors? Is he being provoked? Is he frustrated in any way? Is he seeking attention? Second, how do the teachers handle it? While my personal opinion is that you are right in removing privileges, etc but the teachers need to do something on the spot which I think makes a bigger impact with young children. Do you talk with your son about how to handle certain situations - sharing, including others, what to do when his feelings get hurt? Talking about (or role playing) feelings and emotions can help kids put what they are feeling into words so they are less likely to act out. I don't think you should regret sending him to school this year, but I think you need to really take a good look at all options for the coming year to decide where your son should be placed. There is nothing wrong with having him repeat prek if that is what you choose to do. Also, if the teachers aren't addressing behavioral issues in the class, a different prek might be the way to go. Good luck to you.

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Every dark night is followed by a bright sunny day. So, patience and attention is required and things will be fruitful in near future.

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hi M.,
he is too little yet . you 'must' continue to teach him right from wrong .. take away things etc and 'also' catch him being good ! give him mommy 1 on 1 time ...
yes he is smart ... he is not socially spectacular yet ... [ he will be ]
simply go with your gut .... re peat pre school . hold off with ' real' school as of now ...
mommy always are right .
a grammy

I have to agree with the other posters who said that discipline has to happen right away. If you take away his computer games hours later, he won't understand what one has to do with the other. You could certainly discuss classroom discipline with his daycare teachers.

I don't have an answer but I am in the same boat and I feel like we have made some progress. My son also is very smart but emotionally behind. He has a late birthday as well. What I have found out so far is that some of the expectations at a school environment may be too high for these boys at this age.
AM I saying they should be without discipline... Absolutely NOT. HItting should never be allowed and therefore should have a consequence every time.

For my son I have created a very structured environment but disguised to make him feel as though he has some control. For example we eat at the same time everyday go to bed at the same time everyday, but I offer him choices as much as possible.

Another example is when we walk home from school I let him walk or run ahead if he chooses to he has a limit as to how far away from me he could go. It probably appears that Im not in control but I am watching him more so than if he was right next to me. Plus we have worked on this skill for a long time.Hhe knows he could get hit by a car if he runs irratically through the parking lot.

He understands consequences to unwanted behaviors, when he does react I remind him that he "chose to do a behavior ( like hitting) and he knew ahead of time there is a consequence (time out and a sincere apology). Next time he might stop himself before he reacts or think of another way to solve the problem.

My son also has a late birthday (Sept 9th). I sent him to school way too early bc I thought that I was nurturing his intelligence. He was in Montessori toddler program at 2 then regular preschool at 3, this year I repeated him in the 3 yr. old class to put him with the kids he will be going to kindergarten with. I have to say that I saw a huge change between last year and this year. He was the wildest kid in school last year (07-08) and actually had him tested for Sensory Processing Disorder (Does NOt have it).

This year (08-09) since holding him back, he leveled out a little. I changed schools and he is no longer going Mon thru Fri, he only goes 2xs a week. As I mentioned, he is with the 3 yr olds again this year and hes not the only boy behaving that way. Now that hes older he has kinda grown out of a lot of that 3 yr old stuff.
After school I immediately let him run around in the school yard to get all his energy out that he has been trying to contain (like letting the dog out).

It seems to be the trend nationally to hold the kids back (especially boys with July and August birthdays). I posted a question on here a while ago about the Sept cut off date bc I was upset since my son is so advanced academically. I got over 100 responses and the question was reposted by Mamasource nationally so half the answers were form PA and the other half through out the US. Thats what it really took to sell me on the idea of him not attending kindergarten this fall. Initially I was going to fight the district to get him in kindergarten bc I thought it would be more of a disservice to him to be held back bc of his intelligence. What I then realized among all the other reasons that I'll get to in a second is that, with this Sept cutoff date there are other kids in the same boat born in Sept and he will not be awkward at all. NOt only Sept birthdays but July and AUg b-days that were held back purposely bc of the emotional reasons. Dahh Why didn't I realize that before.

This new trend is helpful for the boys bc they will not be the last to grow and being big is important for kids and for teenagers. He will not have to wait and extra year to get his drivers license. He won't look like a middle schooler in high school. He will be able to play sports. You'll get him one more extra year rather than sending him off to college when he just turns 18.

Im not sure if any of this helps, as I said, Im still trying to figure it out myself. I read Dobsons book "Bringing up boys", and it was really really helpful. Also if you are interested, I can send you my prior post on holding him back another year with 100 responses.

Just keep in mind hes learning manners, expectations, boundaries, discipline, patients all the while having his own self will. Its difficult and we rarely see immediate results. Don't forget, once he learns one skill, he'll give you something else to work on :)

Btw, right now Im trying to figure out why my son screams instead of talks when hes excited so if you have any suggestions in this area please let me know.

This is how some young children handle stressful situations. And by stressful, I mean stressful to a four year old. He needs to be taught that this is not acceptable, and how to handle his anger the right way. Try to find out what situations cause this reaction and teach him how to handle them. Talk to the teacher to see how they are handled in class. You and the teacher need to be consistent. He is young, but not to young to learn how to behave properly. It may take some time, so be patient.

He sounds like he is very immature for his age. I would agree with you in that you probably should have held him back a year. Just because he is super smart doesn't mean he's emotionally ready for such things.

I think disciplining him when he gets home (no computer games) is a bit delayed for something that happens at pre-school. How are they coping with it at pre-K ? Obviously he is not hitting, pinching or yelling at home. So the problem is at preK, and not home. He should be disciplined at pre-K. I would talk with the teacher, and find out how she is handling it. Team up and make a plan, tell her how YOU would handle it if he did that at home, and have her handle it.

What behaviors preceed his acting out ? Is he being bullied? (he is the youngest, after all) Is there some way to intervene BEFORE his behavior turns ? Most of the time, it takes two to tango, so I doubt he's acting out in a vaccuum.

That said, my other question is: Has it been this way all year, or is this new Spring behavior? I ask because I remember when my daughter was just barely 5 and in K, and and I did notice that when Spring came, and the curriculum began to push a bit harder toward year end, she began to struggle some. If you have the opportunity, I would NOT send your son to Kindergarten at age 5. I have 2 girls, both born in August, who made the K- cut-off agewise. The older one we held back a year and we were REALLY glad we did. The younger one went to K at age 5, and I have often wished I had held her back so she would have had maturity on her side as she went thru the school system.

It's up to you, but the gift of an extra year of maturity can make a HUGE impact on your child, even if he's smart. It's not the grade level but the social issues that are hard to cope with in school. And the social issues tend to decrease with maturity vis a vis their peers.

Good luck !!

b

what do you mean time to time? if happening on weekly basis really not good.

Why does he hit, pinch, yell? due to sharing issues? he needs to learn how to verbalize properly. The teachers should be looking to redirect his attention when happening and time out from the other children until he has calmed down.