Seeking Any Advice on Newly Separated Couple

Two years ago my husband left me without notice. We had two daughters (7 and 5) and I just had a baby. It turned out he was having an affair. I was devastated! All my life I protected myself against exactly this.

Things that help me: I took two weeks off. With the kids went to visit my mom in my childhood town. This really help me cope, gave me extra strength. When I returned I hire a lawyer, which I believe is very tricky. My advice would be meet at least three and try to see what motivates each one and knowing your husband what type you will need. A bad lawyer can drag this case forever or leave you without your rights very fast, so choosing one is very delicate.

Things didn’t work so well in the beginning. I found out bad things about him. He was immature and selfish, but I had the strength he didn’t have and I was able to keep my kids out of the mess. It was hard sometimes. I went to see a psychologist to get advice how to handle the kids and it worked out really well. I became their support.

I lost a lot of weight and became a “woman” again. It’s amazing how a bad thing can turn into a positive one. I started feeling better about myself and suddenly very sure of myself. Later on I started dating the most incredible person. We’ve been together for awhile now, he loves my kids and my kids love him. We are planning to get married soon.

Sometimes when you love someone we see what we want to see. That is what happened to me. Just find the strength in yourself to fight this. You will be able to do it if you an honest with yourself and with other.

Good luck!

E.,
Sorry for the late response, however would like to input on your situation.
I think the first person far from the adults to think about is your daughter. I am sorry for her loss of a daddy. Even if he was not the father you had had hoped he'd be her, he was still her daddy and now is gone. Be sure to comfort her for her loss and not put forth your emotion of relief on her. Allow her to feel her feelings not mommy's.
As for you, I totally understand the feeling of relief. There were times I would pray for my husband to die while he was out. He would not leave nor sign divorce papers and I was in dispair. I over came those feelings through prayer and my faith in God. There is no assistance, comfort, understanding, love or assurance you will find from others like that of God. Personally I say with the clean break find a local church to attend and turn your life around. It will get your daughter into a group of children her age to interact with and she won't feel she is loosing so much having something to look forward to. And for you, you'll come into a world of love and interaction of adults that care what you need in your life. And with prayer you will be complete.
I attend Glad Tidings and the people there are just as I have explained. Not every one knew my personal thoughts and issues I was facing, but those who did......they were my help on defense toward Satan and his attack on my marriage. Today not everything in my life is perfect but hey, when I do reach that level of perfection, I will be in Heaven and nothing else will matter.
Bless you and your daughter and your husband too. May God find favor to you and your family and give the strength and wisdom you will need for your daughter.
Your sister.

I'm sorry to hear, i know its the hardest thing to be and hear of a cple separarting but i know happeness in life should be for all i know fights and arging not good but if its doesn't seem right and it's never ends it not the way you live. I know that being happy and loved what you do in love life job be very important but i know you know this, all i am saying there is you and your daughter meaning everything with yourself and your daughter i know hard times will come but you have your daughters loves to get you through any day.
i hope all the other advice and mine help you get throught. your not alone, although i may be young i still need to know about things and being a mom but not to live in saddness.

All the Best

First of all, I am sorry that your relationship has split. It is difficult to try as hard as you can; and watch it fall apart irregardless. I was in a 13 year relationship with my highschool sweetheart that ended in May. We have a 6 year old daughter and it was very hard to break the news to her. Losing a relationship like this will require more strength from you then you thought you ever had in you. It will be like a death in a sense. The emotions that you are going through are like the grieving process. One day you will wake up and think that there is no hope of recovering from the loss, while other days will be so wonderful because the pain and thoughts of him have subsided. Either way, I encourage you to continue therapy if you can; I have found that having the outside perspective of someone who is not family, friends, coworkers is really helpful. Also, develop and maintain a wonderful relationship with your daughter. I have found that spending my free time with her and getting to know her on a one-to-one basis has grown our relationship. She will need you too - as she is going to go through a loss also...And above all else, please try to move forward everyday (even if it is in small steps). Being stuck in the moment with the questions and the accusations only cripples you as a person and as a mother. Again, find the inner-strength and know that you can come out of this in the end. It will take time...whether it's 6 weeks or 6 months; you will be ok.

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Hi E., welcome to mamasource, I really hope you find the support you are looking for, this is a great place to share with other moms anything. I am glad that you express your feelings, I think that is the first step to heal. I also think that if you commit to be grateful for the things that you actually like about your husband, you can change things around. Don’t give up if you really want to work things out just look at the bright side. On the other hand if you think is time for you to move on and get a divorce then embrace the idea that is for good and for both of your happiness. I separated from my “husband” 4 months ago, and to be totally honest with you it was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. But once I did it, it felt very good and relieving. It was tough at the beginning specially because we have a wonderful 2-year-old together. He was the reason why I stayed with him for so long knowing that we were both unhappy, a mistake I am glad I took action on and fixed it. I realized that we were only making things worse by being together and I feel so good now, its like a knot on my throat just dissolved. We both had resentment toward each other and that made things hard to handle as soon as we separated, but once I started looking at things differently, our whole relationship changed and now we are good friends. I hope my story helps you understand how I felt and if you want my advice just appreciate, truly appreciate everything he does and everything he is and you’ll see how things will change plus you will feel the best you ever felt. Whether you go back together or get a divorce, I’m telling you this is the best thing you can do.

I believe the attorneys involved in a divorce have a lot of influence over how things will go. Attorneys have personalities and some of them are the type who like to complicate things and invent possible issues, and some are the type to keep it simple. Dont allow your attorney to invent issues and complicate things or insert wording the other side's attorney wont agree too. Every minute they spend costs you money and attorneys can create a lot of extra arguing back and forth that can be avoided with some planning. Avoid going to court.
My advice is to work out an agreement with your husband on the terms of the divorce before going to a lawyer and try to keep it friendly and simple and avoid any blaming. Keep it all 'business' and not emotional. I find that I get along much better with my ex husband now than when I was married. We have both changed over the years, our son is 15 now.

I'm not sure if I can offer any insight, but about six or seven month ago my husband told me the same thing only my came as a complete shock and out of no where. He to has issues of his own. However shortly after he said that he wanted a divorce he came to his sences and relized that is not what he wanted. We were both in the military stationed in Hawaii and I was due to get out. So I moved all my stuff here to Florida with my two kids and our dog. My husband is now still in Hawaii and we are seperated by distance but nothing else. So as I said I cant offer to much insight other than the fact that I am sepertated phsically so I know how that is.

Hey E.,

I've been divorced for 4 years now. You know, there's no "right" way to cope. I often felt as though I was on a roller coaster of emotions - relief, anger, sadness, and yes, numbness. The only thing that I can say is, put yourself and your daughter first. And, most importantly, open your social circle. Reach out to friends and family & keep busy. It's time to learn how to live your life and once again learn what makes YOU happy.

I must stress, please keep your daughter out of the "mess". There will be difficult times ahead for you guys...she doesn't need to ride the roller coaster with you both. Married or not, you will always be her Mommy and Daddy. Your actions must show that you will BOTH always be there for her NO MATTER WHAT.

Time heals, it really does. My ex-husband and I are CO-PARENTING our children TOGETHER. We have a wonderful friendship. We are committed to raising emotionally happy, healthy little boys. We often plan "family days" where we do fun things together (circus, Rapids Waterpark, school events, etc.) as a FAMILY.

I wish you the best of luck E.. Just know that there are "happy endings" when it comes to divorce. If you ever need support, feel free to drop me a line anytime...

C.~

Hi E. and Welcome to Mamasource! I am so sorry to hear that you and your husband are separating. In life we are given situations that seem as if we will break, however God would not put anything on our plate that we cannot handle. I promise! I am divorced and in a relationship with an excellent man...I thank God for him everyday because he is what I have dreamed of. I was a victim of domestic violence which made it 150% easier for my divorce to not hurt as much. I tried counseling and all that good stuff. Didn't work...YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE A MAN! I say that with complete confidence. I hope you get through this tough situation and believe in God for he is the only one that can truly fulfill you. It will be hard in the beginnig and hopefully you won't be like me and wait three years to let someone in your life but all I can say is you will smile again. Good Luck and God Bless...I will say a prayer for you.

Well i can certainly understand where you are coming from. i am 25 and i have a 4 and 5 year old. me and my husband have been married for 7 years and togeather for 9.me and my husband have broke up and gotten back togeather and then broke up and got back togeather. it has been hard. we are currently togeather but not living togeather. well just to give you a little background on me. well enough about me, is this the first time that you have broke up? if not then moving out and keeping busy is the key. when i would start to feel sad or upset i would focas on the kids and i would take them somewhere where there are a lot of people. like the park or chucky cheese. the kids are having fun and you are not all by yourself. maybe you guys just need time like me and my husband did. once you guys are not togeather then maybe it will give you both some time to see what its like without each other. hope the best of luck