Seeking Advise on Supporting a Second Family

I will probably sound mean, but this woman sounds like a moocher and a spendthrift. I'm sure you feel for the kids, but unless you are millionaires, I would not take her in. I don't see anything that tells me she is a responsible mother or person at all and bringing this into your nice family would end up a disaster. That mom has little sense and cannot take care of herself or her children. Your hubby is right that she would take advantage of you as much as she could for as long as she could. I feel really sorry for the children. I don't like to sound cruel and I know she is your friend, but this is not a good idea. I'm sure others will respond about other ways you can help her, but taking them in would be a huge mistake. There is a reason why her own family won't take her in. She needs to grow up and learn some very hard lessons about being a responsible adult and decent parent. It is not really her ex's fault for losing his job, but hers for not taking care of and doing right with the money she did get. She needs to get help with her money and parenting. Imagine how the kid who is medicated sporadically feels - what a roller coaster her life must feel like to her. Your intentions are right and good, but I doubt you can actually help this woman - she needs a much stronger intervention than your family can provide.

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Cindy,

I completely agree with Jacqueline. Taking her and her family in would be very stressful and would likely end in a bad way. This woman has had to take no financial responsibility when she was married or after her divorce. If you take her in, she will take advantage and no responsibility for her finances again. Like others said, if her own family isn't going to take her in, they know better and for good reason. She should be selling her furniture and housewares instead of giving them away. She needs to trade in her 2008 vehicle for a used car and get her budget figured out and a plan. That would be the best thing for her if you sat down and helped her with a plan. It would be no different than an adult child who doesn't want to move out of their parents house and the parents keep paying the bills, making the bed, etc., even though their child has a full-time job.

Your friend needs to get a job, and find the resources that will help her. Even if she has to go on Public Aid, she needs to take responsibility for herself and her kids and make those sacrifices. If she is put in a place where she is uncomfortable, she'll work harder to get out of it. But if you put her in a place where she is comfortable and doesn't have responsibilities (your home), she won't leave for a very long time.

I fear your family would be driven crazy if they move in. If you are used to a quiet home, her daughter who is on/off medication would be stressful. It would not be helping her in the long run at all and would cause many problems. She needs to deal with it and take responsibility for her life. You can help guide her with appropriate services and resources, but you should not feel guilty about not taking her in. If you are not sure how to tell her no, just tell her that your finances aren't all that good or something. If she says she'll pay you money, I doubt she will. Just sit down with her and give her some resources to help her. She's used to a certain lifestyle, but she's not facing reality. The money isn't there anymore and she needs to deal with it. If she doesn't care enough about her own credit and is spending her money on wasteful things rather than paying her bills, she sure wouldn't care about paying you or helping you. There are many places and services to help families in need, and she needs to take advantage of them, not you.

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Let her be on the streets. This is NOT your responsibility. The hope is no one will take them in. This is her mess, caused by her behavior. She really sounds like she is expecting someone to step in and save her. I would really follow her family's lead and let her clean this up herself.

The kids should go live with Dad, by the way, let her be the homeless one. If he isnt an option (space need not be a concern, they can sleep piled up on the living room floor, better than a cheap motel or the car) then perhaps you can contact her family and discuss taking in the girls, everybody take one. Splitting them up isnt the best situation, but if its what needs to be done to find placement for them so be it.

But I would definitely help her find resources to help sort out the mess. Its probably so big she's clueless as to where to start. Contact local shelters, explaining the situatiuon anonymously. They can probably direct you to women and/or family centers that are set up to deal with things like this.

She sounds like she has known this was coming for a while, plenty of time to plan for the loss of the house. She could have been saving, she could be spending differently now, etc. Help her, but dont let HER in your house. Its simply not your problem. If she had been responsible and she was still in a mess like this, sure, let her in. But not if things are like you describe.

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I am never one to agree with the crowd, but for once I do. In my case I speak from very personal experience. I allowed a friend to move in with us and, it was a disaster. As with your friend she had demonstrated that she was irresponsible prior to moving in with me. Mooching off a friend did not help her develop a sense of responsibility. She wrecked my house and I ended up furious with her most of the time. Still she stayed on for a long time until she found a man that would support her.

In my opinion your friend needs a dose of reality. As for her kids, it sounds liek they are the one thing she is trying to take care of. I would try to stay close to keep an eye on them. If you start to worry about the kids you can always figure a way to help them.

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There already have been a lot of responses, but it's like the old saying, never lend a friend money. I know how thoughtful that is of you to consider but she doesn't sound like she realizes the mess she is creating by not paying her bills. Her priorties are mixed up if she is spending her money on going out to eat and little things, her focus should be the mortgage and groceries. She needs to sell her brand new car and get a used one as well. Anyway, I think if she moves in, you'll regret it. Again, "never lend family and friends money!" Besides if she really is financially strapped, there are resources out there to help her.

Good luck.

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Will she REALLY be out on the streets? We hear that term so often, yet it rarely seems to happen in the literal sense.

I gotta side with dear hubby on this one. My answer to your friend would be a firm NO. You can love your friend and support her without disrupting your household. If she can't handle money responsibly when she has it, why do you think she'd be any different when she doesn't? I don't see that "getting back on her feet" as likely to happen anytime soon.

Additionally, I am the mom of a special needs child, and as I always say, "Parenting is hard work, but some of us have it harder than others." You've got your hands full without taking on a family in distress - particularly one in which that dynamic could have mostly been avoided.

Good luck.

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wow, that is really difficult! i would say no. i would then suggest that she stop giving her things away and start to SELL them, including the thousands of stuffed animals, the video games, and anything extra. i would also suggest she look into foreclosure help, or put her house on the market immediately while she looks for full-time work. not only is it not your responsibility to parent your friend (no matter how long you have been close!), it is not your responsibility to raise her children, or to straighten out the mess that she got herself into. perhaps you can think of it more as a way for her to teach her daughters a great lesson in how to clean up your own mistakes, rather than as how you are not helping your friend.
i assume that she has custody of the girls, which is why she was getting so much child support and alimony? that said, the girls can always go live with their father if their mom is put out on the street. the girls could also ask to stay with friends of THEIRS for a couple of weeks while mom gets her act together, rather than the whole 4 of them descending onto one household.

finally, if you feel that you absolutely must welcome her into your home, i would set very clear boundaries. she can only stay for 2 weeks, the girls are expected to do dishes/laundry/bathroom duty/vacuuming/etc, she is expected to be out at work or searching for a job every day, they will all be expected to follow your house rules, etc. Plus, if these things aren't done and/or it gets to be a burden on the family, then they will have to leave. (i would also talk to your son before giving it the ok, too). and when those 2 weeks (or whatever) are up, then you calmly remind her to pack her things and find another place to stay.

good luck!

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this is going to sound harsh but, don't let her move in. she created this mess and there is a reason her family is not inviting her in. tell her you are very sorry, but no. you don't own her a reason either. good luck. hang tough.

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Cindy,

you have a lot of responses! I will make this brief.

You HAVE to harden your heart a little. I know the christian thing to do would be to let them stay, but bringing her family into your home is likely going to strain your home. If she were a generally responsible person who fell into a bad spot and her situation was temporary then I would say set some boundaries, limit the stay and give her a little boost, BUT, that is not the kind of situation you are dealing with...

She is clearly making very poor choices with her life, has no regard for (financial) consequences and bailing her out of this predicament is not going to help her. She had squandered away what she has been given, and WILL walk all over your generosity.

Please please please don't put your family into the middle of her drama. protect your home, your finances and be an emotional support person for her, but nothing more. It is so hard to say no, but you can help her by finding her programs locally to help, and encourage her to straighten out her life. follow your gut instinct...

how to say no? ooo that's tough. Tell her that she is putting you in a tough spot and that helping her would mean making a lot of sacrifices for your entire family that you simply cannot make right now, and after talking it over with your husband, as much as you want to help a friend, you just don't have the means to do so right now.

She had to see this coming - it's unfair of her to put this burden on you. i would suggest to her that she let the kids go live with her ex, and straighten out her act.

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First of all, do you really have room for four practically grown people?

If she brings up moving in with you, then just tell her that you talked it over with your husband and it isn't possible. You don't have to room, but you will certainly help her find a place that she can afford. I would even have ready newspaper ads and realistate magazines that have some cheap options. With the market the way it is she should be able to find something she can afford.

You are her friend not her savior. She has to save herself. She has to provide for her kids and start setting a good example. That really is asking too much of your family. And a real friend that isn't so self-centered would realize that.

If she ends up on the streets, it is her fault....not yours. Her family probably knows how she is and they have decided to put their foot down in some tough love. I'm thinking it isn't because they don't love her that they don't take her in...it is because they are trying to make her grow up.

Don't feel guilty for not taking her in, but offer your friendship and help in other ways like helping her move and find a place she can afford. If she rejects that and you in the process, then so be it. She's not really a friend at all, but a user.

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Your friend needs to be working on selling her house instead of waitin garound to be evicted and making a plan for her own life instead of looking to freload off of you. I would help her do that! There are many resources out there for that. Right now she sounds pretty irresponsible. Direct her focus to getting on her own two feet.

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There is no way I would take her in...as much as you may love her...I do not see this working out good. You should NOT feel guilty for her actions..she is a grown woman and made her choices to spend money freely on her own. Now she must deal with the consequences, not mooch off of you. I would offer to help out any other way...shoulder to cry on, help research places to stay, etc., but that would have to be it. Taking her and her kids in would cause great stress to your home life, ruining two families. Good luck!

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This woman made her own choices as to how to live. There are consequences for actions. Do not bale her out, it will just delay her waking up and becoming a responsible adult. There are shelters and state housing/food stamps available for people until they get on their feet.

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Dear Cindy - your family comes first. You will need to get over your guilty conscious and just tell her no - it would be too much to your family dynamic. The husband will need to take in the kids if he has a roof over his head. This is a wake up call for your friend. Shame on her for living day to day on the high hog. There are plenty of social help departments out there she can call.
Good luck!!
S. in Lisle

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Cindy,

I understand how you might feel guilty if you do not take her in - you are obviously a very caring person - however, this a grown woman we're talking about here. SHE needs to take responsibility for her life, and especially her children! If she is so blase as to spend her money frivolously when she knows she is in a dire situation, do you really think she will straighten up while living with you to work towards getting out of your hair? The likelihood is slim. She will most likely feel as though she's got "extra money" to spend on herself and her kids, which in turn will cause feelings of resentment in you, which in turn could ruin a great friendship. Sometimes tough love is the best way to handle a situation like this. You can still be her friend and support her through this horrible time (offer to watch her kids while she goes on job interviews, have her and her kids over for dinner once a week, etc.), but she needs to find a job, an apartment (even if they all have to share one bedroom!) and figure out how to make it work on her own. She will feel so much better about herself if she does that. And what a great friend you are to help her realize her own potential!

~P.

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I actually have been in your position several times. My husband says Im a magnet for those in need. Anyhow since he wont let me take anyone in. I have learned several ways to help people help themselves.There are several organizations like ceda or catholic charities to help with housing. There are plenty of places to help her find a job and/ or apartment she should go to unemployment they can help her find a job. She can go to public aid to help with cash/food/medical.The best thing you can do for her is to help her help herself. Please e-mail me if you need any referals.

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Throughout my life I have taken in so many homeless people and families that I know what I am talking about. You have a family that you obviously love and have worked hard to maintain. It is now time for your friend to face reality and create a life for herself and her children. Saying no to her now is being a true friend. DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN. It is her responsibility to learn to fend for herself and her children. It sounds like she will continue to find someone to take care of her until everyone realizes she must grow up in order to survive. Be a supportive friend and tell her the truth so you will not end up losing your loving family due to resentment and justified anger if you let this family move in.

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Since you asked for an opinion, I agree with many others that you should not let her move in. You need to keep your children a first priority and their needs trump your friend's needs. Also, it would just be enabling her to continue to act irresponsibly. She has not been acting in her children's best interest in any way shape or form for a long time. Sometimes it takes a rude awakening for someone to grow up.

I like the idea that another reader had about helping her by doing things like look for a job, find financial counseling, sell her house, etc. If she refuses this kind of practical help, then walk away with no regret. She may be the kind who bleed people dry then go on to the next person.

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She did it to herself! Everyone seems to just let her behave as she likes. I side with your husband.

To remove your guilt she can go to the county, township, cities, Catholic charities, churches etc. They will help her

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Your answer should be a very simply no. As much as I understand you feel sorry for your friend, she is a grown woman and should learn to stand on her own feet. She is giving furniture away? Why doesn't she sell it and make some money off of it to live on? If you take her in, I don't see how you'll ever be able to "get rid of her" again. Even if she doesn't receive any financial support from her ex-husband anymore, there must be a way to get support from the state and other places. Obviously not in the style she is used to, but you can't change that. Good luck!

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She was probably going through a form of depression. this is very common in divorce cases because they want to escape the real issue. She was purchase items for the children to try to compensate for there loss of their father. Even though he was a good provider it still comes down to the fact that he is not there at home when evening comes. Gifts help us all to forget for a while.
I do not think it is a good idea to allow a friend move in with you. You are better off giving her a financial gift. Once someone moves in, even if they are not paying rent, you can not just kick them out. You would have to evict them just like a renter. I know that is the worst scenario but it could happen. Your friendship may not be able to withstand being together everyday and your marriage may not be able to withstand it either.
Has she when to the house authority in your area? Is her ex-husband remarried? Is there a chance they could just share quarters temporarily. What about a family member? Or even a family member of her ex-husband?
I would help her in anyway you could but I would say not to moving in.

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Let your friend know that you can't allow her to move in with you, but help her find someplace that she can go like a weekly hotel or a shelter. She probably needs to rough it for a while so that she can see she has to be self sufficient. Pray and ask God to reveal if you are doing the right thing so that you can get the guilt of this off of you. Good luck.

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Help her look for an apartment, help her move in, unpack, get settled. DO NOT let her stay with you or she will never leave. Don't let feelings get in the way of the this decision. Step back and LOOK at what this woman has done and ask yourself if you want to continue to be a part of her not taking responsibility for her life or do you want her to stand on her own two feet. Help her but don't make her an issue for your own family, because she will become one. Don't feel guilty for HER lousy decisions. It may be why her husband left her in the first place.....

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I know it will be hard but just say no. Tell her that you & your family made a decision together that it just would be too hard on the family.I too have a son who needs his quiet space and when that is disrupted he puts us through hell.
I have done this many times in my life, taken in others who needed a place to stay. Trust me, it never works.
Jesus didn't go out to find the one lost sheep until he knew the other 100 were safe. There are many resources out there to help your friend. Offer to help her find some of them.

Good Luck.

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If you are not sure that having her live with you is the best option, then it may not be. Help her by looking for places where she may live until she gets back on her feet. Get her involved in something that shows her how to budget her money as well. What is she teaching her children by spending her money like this and getting evicted from her home with no where else to go?

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Cindy, I know you love your friend, but if she moves in, she will no longer be a friend. You are already judging how she spends her money and lives her life. It would be easier to help her if you could see that she was helping herself in the way she spends that money and by possibly selling her car and finding a dependable used one. The voice of reason says, help in ways that do not directly involve you. Take a step back and possibly show her agencies in your town that can help her. Is there any low income housing, any other family members that can help her, or her church? Is there a local food bank, can she get help with school lunches, etc.... Trust me, you have to be helpful, while not getting too involved. It is the only way to save your friendship and still do the right thing. Oh, and by the way, YOUR family comes first, and NO ONE should dispute that!

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Personally I think it'd be a mistake. That would be overstepping some boundaries. I have 2 very close friends who had similiar situations - they both took in a friend or a friend with her 2 kids and it got ugly. Both friendships are very strained now even though it's been a while since this happened. This mother who needs a place sounds as if she isn't one to take responsibility for herself or her children and that won't change if she moves in with you. You and your husband will now be the caregivers of 4 additional people.

C.

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Make it about the children's welfare..not them or you. Allow yourself to do the right thing for them, they need it more. m

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I would say NO. Sorry to be harsh, but if she has three kids of her own and was spending alimony like it was the "lotto", then what makes your husband think that she will be responsible enough to keep the house clean, cook for all 7 of you everyday, and get a job to help re-establish her credit??

If she was responsible in the first place, she would have taken precautions not to get herself into this mess. If her family won't take her in, she can go to the state and apply for aid and housing.

Be honest with her: Tell her you would love to help more, but your own situation prevents you from being able to give them somewhere to live. Tell her that you would love for them to visit when they want, that you love her girls, but with your current situation, it's just not feasible for them to occupy your home for an extended period of time.

Hope everything works out for you and them!

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Hi Cindy,
You made your real feelings apparent at the end of your post. It sounds like you, your husband, and your son would NOT want this family to move in. You should not invite them out of guilt. You didn't put them in this situation. You should tell your friend that you'd like to help her and suggest ways you could (i.e., babysitting while she finds a job). You are not responsible for your friends debt but once she's in your home, you will start to accumulate a hefty debt of your own. If you allow them to move in, you will never get them to leave. It would be much more appropriate for your friend's family to take them in instead of your family. You can be a good friend without risking the happiness of your own family. Good luck with your decision.

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I can certainly understand your situation. I'm a single mom with no income at this time (I'm trying everything--selling Avon, doing romance parties, massages, and applying everywhere I can for a job, and now my dad has decided to help by paying me to clean his house for the time being--but I really need my other businesses to pick up, too, and to get a job offer). I'm extremely worried about my mortgage payment and losing my home, so I don't understand how your friend can be so cavalier. My daughter is an only child, and she, too, is used to having her peace and quiet in the home. I have a friend who so badly wants to divorce her husband, but she has nowhere to go. She has 2 kids and a job, but County doesn't pay very well--getting her own place is out of the question even with child support. I would love to take her in because it would certainly help with my household expenses, but I can't do it with her having 2 kids. My house is 3 bedrooms. Although my daughter has her own room, she generally sleeps with me. So it would be no problem to put my friend and her daughter in my daughter's room and her son in my massage room. But I just couldn't deal with the noise of 3 kids in my house--or the mess. She hasn't asked, though. She'll bring it up jokingly, but she brings up everything jokingly ("Hey, wanna go to Vegas? It's on me!").

So, what I would tell your friend is that you simply couldn't do it. You can let her know that your family is in a routine that would become complicated if she moved in with you. It could make your disability worse--you just can't handle having 2 more kids underfoot and making noise and the fighting between the kids that's bound to happen. And, frankly, you cherish her friendship too much to ruin it by having her family live with you. You have different parenting styles, I'm sure, different rules, etc, and you don't want any animosity between you because the differences are bound to get in the way at some point. You can also let her know you just don't have the room, especially if that's true. Where would you put all the things she decides to keep? All the toys, clothes, bedding, etc?

She should look to her family for help. If they're not willing to help, there's a reason why. My dad is willing to help me and loan me money until I can get a job and stand on my own 2 feet again. He knows the money will go toward my bills and food. He's not willing to do the same for my brother, who will spend it on cigarettes and alcohol. My dad knows that I will pay him back in full when I can, too. He knows I feel bad for borrowing money in the first place, and that I feel like a mooch and hate it. I think it's obvious that your friend thinks she deserves a free-as-can-be ride, and that's why her family doesn't want to help. Just know that it's your friend who put her kids in a bad spot. Yes, you love them and want to help. But at what cost? I'm sure her family loves them, too, and are just aching to help. But they know that it's not going to make your friend any more responsible--that it will give her an excuse to continue buying unnecessary items knowing the food, utilities, and housing are already paid for. She's the one who should feel bad and guilty about the position her kids are in and the position she put her friends and family in. I know I feel guilty--and I lost my job for doing the right thing! Good luck!

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DO NOT let her move in. If her family is not letting her move in that is a hint. Given the life style she is living I don't think she would move out within your time frame. You will ruin a friendship not to mention you and your husband will fight and it is just not a good situation.

So you don't feel guilty offer her some money. Help her get a plan, help her find an apartment but don't let her move in the writing is all over the walls on this. Listen to your gut. If you do let her move in you are just prolonging the truth for her. She needs to face reality.

If for some chance you do let her move in make her sign an agreement that she will move out in 6 months. That way if she does not move out you have the right to kick her out. It could get ugly if she just refuses to move out and the police could be involved. Again don't get into this mess. Find other ways to help her without her having to move in.

Just say you can't have her move in because it is not good for your family and you have to put your husband and child first.

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It will be a big mistake to take her in because you will loose your privacy and your friendship with her if things do not work out. She needs to take responsiblity and do garage sale-whatever it takes to make some income to get her out off the situation she put herself in.

She needs to stop spending and start putting away and as for having a live in housecleaner etc. "GOOD LUCK" it is always ok the first 1st or 2nd week but then it becomes frustating - I did it and I reqret it to this day.

Do not feel guilty, help her by comforting her by that is it.

I wish her luck and you "do not do it".

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If you take her in, your friendship may be destroyed. I was practically running my house as the local Red Roof Inn for awhile to help family members out. Now, we are broke and alone. People need to figure out solutions to their own problems. Make some phone calls, surf the Internet and find resources for her to get housing. If she is just giving her stuff away, she is not even trying to figure out a way to be independent. She's waiting for someone, like you, to pick up the pieces for her. She could have a sale and sell a lot of the stuff she bought to cover moving expenses, down payment, rent deposit, etc. You owe it to your family to keep your home exactly that, your home. If she resists your help in this way, I would look seriously at what kind of a friend she really is.

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so nice of her to have a good friend. what does she bring to you in this friendship? My advice- no way dont do it. her problem is not your problem. this will cause you way to much stress and can destroy a marriage. let the children go live with the father or other family. perhaps mom will need to be in a shelter but there are people out there who specialize in helping people like her learn how to manage money get a job etc.. good luck!

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I have not read other responses but I feel that it will put a lot of stress and pressure on your family if the move in. I don't know how well you know her family but I doubt they will leave them out in the "cold". And even if that is the case, there are shelters they can go to until she gets back on her feet. I'm sure she will understand your decision.

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Dear Cindy M.,

I understand you want to help your friend. A real friend should want to. However, you have to ask yourself, why her own family will not take her in. There has to be a reason. I don't think it's a good idea for you to move her and her children into your home. That's a recipe for disaster, and your friendship is at stake. There maybe other ways you can help her. Like, helping her find somewhere affordable she can live, or maybe even helping her financially. Only if you can afford to. You have a family to take care of yourself. If her own family isn't willing to take her in, why should you? My advise to you is to not take her and her kids in. Also, her ex-husband should help her as well. Even though he's laid off and can't help monetarily, those are his kids too. He shouldn't want them out on the street. She should let her kids live with there father until she is able to get on her feet.

Good Luck.
T.

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Hi Cindy, listen i would talk to your husband and you guys need to decide that if she moves in then she needs to pitch in for the utilities, the grocery's, help out with laundry and the rest of the stuff. i know she doesn't have the money but you need to let her know that she needs to help somehow. Look for a job so she can help. I am sure it would be hard but you can only do what you can do. I think her Family needs to let her stay for a temporary till she can get on her feet. Her ex also needs to go and get a job as well.

Well hope this helps...

M.-- Mother of 2, Married for almost 2 years.

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Cindy,

Absolutely not, if you want your friendship to last. Suzie Orman mentioned something in effect....."everytime you look at that person (family, friends etc...) you won't be content with that person because your first question will be "will and when is she going to pay me back?" Your relationship will not be the same. Offer to help her (find a apartment/babysit/make meals) but don't have her move in. It may cause tention among your own family.

Heather

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go not feel guilty b/c she put herself in this predictament not you. do not let her stay in your home b/c you'll have a hard time getting her out. its obvious she is irresponsible and will lay up on you. that's probably why her family won't help. tell her it just won't work, you can afford the additional expense, your husband won't agree, you dont have the space. it;s better to say no know that have an issue later when the living arrangement goes sour

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Hi Cindy,

First things first, I am only offering advice that sounds good to me and may not work for you. Carefully filter everyone's advice and go where your heart and prayers lead you and your husband.

This is a huge life change for your home. If she moves in, are you prepared for her to be there for more than a year? Is your husband okay with this? Your marriage comes first before anything. Do you have enough actual living space?

This is a huge traumatic experience for your friend, whether she moves in with you or not, this will be a hard time for her.

You are not her only way out. There are many church ministries and charities that can help her. You are not responsible to make sure shes okay.That's God's job.

You love her and you want the best for her. If you feel the best for her is in your home, that's great.

I'm not telling you to be harsh to your friend, I'm telling you to love her properly and keep things in perspective. She may get disappointed, but she will get through this.

Be encouraged, L. N

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Do you have a basement or area that they could call there own for short term, maybr 1 month to get on her feet. Her teens should be sitting the younger one and she needs to work immediately. You could have her share utilities and groceries and make sure she knows she has to keep the area clean and that there is a deadline on departure. She should be having a garage sale and making $ on her things, not giving them away! Check with the churches. They know families that need move-ins to care for them...that may be the right answer.

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Hi Cindy,
I think you have a very good heart to be so concerned for your friend. It obviously shows how caring and generous you are. I think you already know the answer to this scenario, but need some outside reassurance that it's the right thing to do. Your first priority is your own family. You, your husband and your son have to come first. It sounds as though your husband is against the idea for very good reasons and you have mentioned health concerns as well. While the divorce may not have been your friend's fault, her currnt monetary situation is of her own making. It is not your responsibility to take her and her three children on. If this was your sister, that would be different. Something of this magnitude should be kept within family only. If this woman's siblings are not willing to take her on, that should be a VERY clear sign to you that it would be more than you bargained for. I think it is highly inappropriate for her to even put you in this situation. While she may be describing to you that she will be literally out on the street, I find that hard to believe. Her kids are old enough to be in school. She needs to put those working shoes on, get a job and get her life back together on her own. Maybe instead of continuing to make bad decisions like giving away her furniture and waiting to be evicted, she can do something smart like - oh - sell the furniture and the house, use the money to move to a smaller place or apartment and start a JOB before she ruins her credit and her friendships further.
Good luck,
Mary-Claire

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THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!! Your friend got herself in the situation and she needs to take control and make the decisions for her family. She has made some poor choices, now she must live with the consequences. I would not enable her to continue this way. Besides that, it sounds like her moving in with your family would only cause stress for you, your husband and your son. This is a boundary issue...it is not your responsibility to take her and her family in. Good luck to you.

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Hi Cindy, That sounds like a bad situation but don't do it. Sorry it won't work and you'll just end up being enemy's either way. She put herself in this situation by overspending and beig irresponsible now she wants some else to pick up the pieces. Thats just the reality of life. I would feel bad to but I have learned in my 52yrs you can't save everyone. I don't mean to sound harsh because you sound like a nice person but your family comes first. Take care A.

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How kind of you to wish to help. I think if I was to help I would sit down with the mom and then the entire family to establish serious boundaries and rules. And stick to them no matter what (e.g., you can stay for four weeks but you must find employment to get your family back on your feet). I would do it as a stop gap measure only to keep the family from being out in the streets and establish outside network agencies (e.g., employment agencies, social worker to help the family function, etc.) that could help this family. Mom sounds like she needs some serious help, dad needs to help as well to take care of the family and make serious, adult decisions. If the woman's own family won't assist it seems like there are serious issues going on. I would only do this temporarily and make it very clear that is all that your family can do to help get back on their feet. Good luck, either way it is a very tough situation that you also must look out for your own family as well. Best of luck!
T.

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Try to live with your guilty conscience. My own brother was having trouble a bit back, and although I was sympathetic I knew he would cause us a lot of turmoil. My husband insisted we let him stay. It didn't last very long and our relationship now is more strained. Make something up if you have to. DO NOT LET THEM MOVE IN. IT IS YOUR HOME. Your relationship will be worse down the line. You didn't get her into this mess, she did it herself and as much as you like her take a clue from her own family members. You can offer other forms of assistance but letting this family move in will probably hurt you in the long run. I think you know this or you wouldn't have written this letter. You can live with the guilts occasionally but you might not be able to live with the consequences of allowing themto move in. Good luck!

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My answer is that you are a kind individual for even considering it. This individual has been taking advantage of her ex-husband's child support and spending it on who knows what. If she really ended up on the streets, do you really believe her family would leave their niece on the streets? It could be that she doesn't want to live with her family because they will make her live up to her responsibility.

I'd rather be in a position to continue to be her friend and offer her various types of support by helping her get her life back together rather than being responsible for getting her life back together.

This situation could end up being all consuming. I'd say do everything that you choose to help, but your family is #1 priority. Offer to babysit, research various programs, help sell her merchandise, sell that 2008 car, get her furniture back and sell it on craigslist, see if the mother has ADD as well.

How can the ex-husband help the child?

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Dear Cindy,
Although we as women feel compelled to help each other in the time of need but you need to ask yourself a few questions before you put your house and family through a big change:
1. Did your friend think of the future of herself and children while she was out spending money like water?
2. Did she put some money up for the rainy day that is her life right now?
3. Does she currently have a job?
4. Why is she selling her belongings?

I know the answer to the first 3 questions is NO, and she's probably selling her things because she has no plans in having a place of her own anytime soon which means that she will be a long term tenant once she moves in. I personally couldn't do it because situations like this breaks up friendships. The first time her ADD kid broke something in your house or get into it with your kid and you get upset she will get offended and then your living arrangement will become uncomfortable and it will really get bad when she's there and you want her to leave! Good Luck!

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It sounds like her coming to live with you would put a major strain on your marriage and family. Not worth it in my books. Maybe you should help her find a place to live. There are lots of income based or single mother homes, has she looked into that? Good luck with everything. :)

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NONONONONONONONO. I realize you feel guilty, but leave it up to her family to help. Your lives will be drastically changed You have enough challenges already. Give your friend all the moral support she needs and if you want a few dollars here and there. My friend let a family move in with her (becasue she felt quilty) and it was only suppose to be for around 6 months. Well, two years later they had to finally throw them out. Yes, they were suppose to "establish credit,find a job and another place to live, but it was always just give it a couple more months. God love ya for wanting to help.

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I would have to say no. Absolutely not. It sounds as if she has some issues that would be enabled by your help. Offer to help babysit from time to time. Have them over for dinner. Look through the paper for affordable housing, or refer her to agencies that can help her. But do NOT have her live with you. My opinion is that it would likely destroy your friendship in the end if you do.

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Cindy-
If you truly want to help your friend and you have the space, you need to sit down with her and have a long discussion about this. The focus should be on helping her and her girls without destroying the friendship. I think you (with your husband's input, of course) and your friend should determine a time frame for them to live with you - for her to get a job and rent an apartment or something. Make sure you set very clear milestones along the way. Then set down the house rules. Make sure she can agree to them. One of the rules has to be about her spending - coming up with and living within a budget. Then make sure the girls understand and agree to the house rules. It will be an adjustment for everyone, but if you are clear and upfront with your expectations and timeframe it should be a good experience for everyone.
Good luck! Blessings!
J.

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My gut response was "Just say no!!!" But, then I read some of the other responses that said things like "think of the children..." and decided that I was being harsh. So, maybe, if you think that this is something you need to do, you could draw up a "contract." If she moves in, you need to spell out the ground rules up front, so there are no surprises. She needs to pay rent. She needs to pay for utilities over what your normal utility bills are (so she is covering the extra amount used by her family.) She needs to buy her own food. You need to protect your family -- that is your first obligation. You aren't helping anyone if you get your own family into financial trouble trying to help out your friend. My husband and I have had some of my siblings-in-law live with us at various times while they are going through rough patches. it is always tricky. You will have a tendency to underestimate the imposition on your privacy, personal space, etc. until you start to live through it. That nice quiet time you have with your husband at night after your child goes to bed -- that's gone when you have live in house guests. Be very careful, because her financial problems see huge and will take a long time to overcome. Also, she isn't showing any signs of wanting to help herself. That is the worse, because it means that she is already inclined to take advantage. If there is a happy medium, like you could watch her kids after school for a couple hours while she gets a job, this might be a better approach. Good luck!

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Cindy I'm so certain that you will get lots of advice on this subject matter. I just want you to know that you should be able to make your choice of what's best for you and your family with a guilt free conscience. I tell my children all of the time "freedom of choice, freedom of consequence." Surely your friend was aware of the choices she was making when she wasn't being responsible with her money. I understand how she felt she needed to compensate for the divorce and how she probably didn't want the children's lifestyle to change much as a result, but at the same time, life is never going to stop because of our circumstances and therefore planning ahead is a must. I can appreciate your want to help your friend, but in the long run will it really be help if she doesn't do much to show her appreciation and you in fact do become the cook, housekeeper and babysitter for her and her children? Perhaps you can help her find resources that will aid her in finding temporary housing for her and her family with affordably rents. There are so many ways that you can help without jeopardizing the harmony in your own home. If you are a praying woman, pray and ask your God for His guidance and wisdom. Talk to your friend and be candid about her decision making and how it affects her children and not just her. Does she live in the City or suburbs? There are so many resources available in the city. I'm not sure of what's available in the suburbs, but I'm sure there is something. God Bless your heart. Good luck!

T. C - a woman who has been burned too many times helping out people because of my guilty conscience.

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Cindy,
You've gotten a lot of good advice on this and I agree with the majority of people. Do not let your friend and her children move in with you. Your own family's wants and needs should be your first priority. You can, however, help her start SELLING her things including her house, expensive car, etc...She shouldn't be sitting around waiting to be evicted, that is silly! Maybe you can help her find some credit counseling so she can begin to get her finances in order. She should apply for low income housing right away. There are many ways to help her besides just ignoring her problems and moving in with you...help her find a long term solution.
Good Luck, Jessica

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This woman mooched off her ex-husband without a care in the world...what makes you think that she won't behave similarly with you? I'm going to guess that she totally got used to 'the good life' and for some people, it is really hard to give up that lifestyle both financially and socially.

Having her move in with you, I think, will only enable her further. You and your family have your own life and your own issues, and adding to it could create a huge burden and/or rift between you and your husband (especially if he doesn't support this).

You're still a good friend if you help her sell her house, her extra car, help her find affordable housing, financial assistance if needed, etc. But by having her move in with you, she's never going to learn to take care of herself with her own income. I know it's hard not to feel guilty, but you did not create this hardship - she did.

You've gotten a lot of great advice here. Best wishes to you!

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Holy cow, what a dilema. I know you truly want to be a good friend to her, but this seems like a disaster waiting to happen. Ask yourself, can you really see this as a short term solution for your friend? What are the parameters she has set up in terms of a game plan to get back on her feet? What is the reality in terms of the ex-husband finding work again and being able to reestablish alimony and child support payments? Does your friend truly understand what she is asking by bring in an ADD child whom is not medicated properly into a home that is not experienced with it? What about your own family's needs/wants at this time and how does your friend understand these? How would the friend and her children impact your relationship with your husband and son?

I am not sure how this all came about for your friend, but in some ways she is going to have to suck it up, walk it off and find the solutions that will work. She chose to make the financial decisions she made for herself. Just the same as when we have a partner and we make the same mistakes financially that land us into hot water.

I guess I am more responding to a tone to your request that seems so reluctant to have your friend and her three children move into your home, but the guilt of "not being a good friend" is muddying up the waters. Do what you and your husband know is right for you and your child. Your friend will have to do the same, no matter how painful and/or akward that is. Best of luck!

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That is just 100 different kinds of wrong. Help her find an appropriate social service agency. Help her find a job. Please note that her family has not enabled her behavior--you shouldn't either. Your kind to think of it, but I'm with your husband on this.

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NO! Your family comes first!

"Leslie, you know I love you like a sister and will do what I can to help you out. I value our friendship and don't want this to come between us. Living in close quarters can be very .. well you know, I married the only roommate that clicked ;-). Of course, you also understand my circumstances with our physical limitations as well. I am here for you and willing to help you with budgetting/babysitting/etc.... I'm free tomorrow if you want to get together and go looking for apartments/ want to go through the outstanding bills to see what creative payments we might be able to come up with. Leslie, your my BFF and I am going to help you get through this. "

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Hi Cindy,

I have read some of the other responses and I agree that you should not let your friend move in. But I wanted to add something else. Your friend needs to contact her mortgage company. Right now, with all of the foreclosures that mortgage companies are facing, they are VERY willing to do whatever they can to help people keep their homes. She needs to do ASAP before it gets any worse. Also, just because the dad lost his job does not mean that he's off the hook for child support. Until he puts the case back into court asking for a reduction, he is still responsible for paying the amount that he paid while he was working. Since he's out of work, it's doubtful that he is able to afford to pay a lawyer to do all of that. So, she should talk to him about what he IS able to contribute to her household expenses. Last of all, she should go out a get a JOB! Does she have any work experience? Pretty much anyone can go out and get a job waiting tables. There are many fine restaurants in CHicago where she will easily be able to make $100 to $200 per night. You would be a good friend to offer to watch her children while she is working.

Another suggestion is kind of a compromise. Perhaps her children could stay with you for a temporary amount of time (set a definite time period, whether it's 2 weeks, 1 month, 2 months)...that way she's living the hard life which will motivate her to change her situation, but her children will not have to suffer. I hate the thought of those kids going into a shelter, but she brought this on herself and she's an adult and should be able to tough it out. If she sends them back to their dad's house, she may have a tough time getting them back.

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Hi Cindy, One little word "NO". Your life will be so disrupted.

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That is ALOT to ask of you. You are not the one that got her into this mess & it's not up to you to get her out. With that said however - you should do everything you can to help (outside of turning your house & family upside down). Spend some time working the internet & phones - maybe you can find her low income housing? There are many non-profit companies out there that will help woman & children in these situations. Part of life is learning lessons - some of them hard ones. Maybe this is her opportunities to do just that. What about your church? I know our church is great when it comes to helping members in need. There are food pantries, etc... She has to figure this out & be accountable for herself & her children. She has a big family - why are they not willing to do more? Maybe this is a pattern with her & they just don't want to deal with it anymore?? Again - the hard life lessons. Be her friend - do everything you can - but not at the expense of your sanity. Good Luck

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You know what ~ after reading what everyone else wrote ~ your best bet would be to say no ~

We had my nephew with his pregnant girlfriend and there 2 yr old son living here with us and BOY ~ was that the biggest mistake! They lived here 3 months and only paid us $150 ~ we supplied ALL the food, shampoo, soap for baths, soap for laundry, toliet paper, paper towels, bath towels. We may sure that the house was cool enough for her because she complained about EVERYTHING! She laid in bed and watched her Soap Operas all day while her son was either in front of another TV or watching videos while she slept, a couple of times he was upstairs with me and my hubby eating breakfast because she never fed him till NOON!! My poor nephew was the one that had to clean up after her. My two kids had the basement and they lost all there toys because the two year old wanted everything. It caused alot of friction and it wasn't worth it. Too much stress on the family ~ you'll have NO privacy. We finally had to put our foot down. After that the girlfriend and nephew split for about 6 months ~ she had the baby in February and are getting married this month and would like to move back here ~ we had to tell them ~ Sorry, no can do ~

Good Luck!

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Whatever you do , DO NOT let her move in with you. Your friend needs to grow up and take some responsibility for herself and her family.She will take all you give her and more so do not enable this woman.Your friend needs to quit living off of everyone else and realize that life isn't all stuff. She has to learn this the hard way,on her own. you can help her get a job or find an apartment she can afford or show her how to budget her money but DO Not give her money or let her move in . Your family comes first. Tough love is what she needs .Good Luck!

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First of all what is your priority. As I see it, your husband and son are, and should be a higher priority than your friend. It doesn't look as though allowing them to move in would be good for them nor does it look as though they wish to have added people in the house. There may be other ways you can help without disturbing your home. Helping her find a place she can afford on her salary might be one way.

Second, you seem to feel that your friend has done nothing to improve her situation indeed, her actions are making her situation worse. She seems to be playing on your good nature to get you to "make it all better". I agree with your husband that it would take a while for her to move out. She would have it so good at your place there wouldn't be any incentive to leave. You even mention that you and your husband would be cleaning, cooking, and generally supporting your friend. This would only help her continue doing what she is doing now.

There are shelters available but part of the program is that the people they help must be actively involved in doing all they can to help themselves. This sort of "tough love" help may be exactly what is needed to help your friend see that truly she is responsible and she must shoulder that responsibility. Her siblings may have already learned that the sort of help she wants isn't the sort of help she needs.

I'm afraid your help would only help your friend to continue depending on others to solve all her problems. I'm also afraid that helping her could be harmful to your family.

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i wouldnt do it if i were you... i understand the dilemma, but what if everything becomes too overwhelming for you... cost of living is on the rise... do you want to take the chance of YOUR family being put out on the street?