Seeking Advice on Teen's Helping Around the House

Hi P., Having teenagers is a big job in it self-----but they need to learn responsibility. What I did when my daughter was that age and didn't want to help is the following:
I made up a list of chores for her to do around the house like cleaning her room, putting her clothes away, and taking turns doing dishes. If she did not follow thru, then there were consequences like if she had plans to do something and she did not complete her chores, then she couldn't do what she had planned to do. It was hard in the beginning, but it eventually worked and the key was, to stick with the punishment and not give in.
Don't bribe them to do something with money or trips because then they are only going to do what you ask because they know they will get paid for doing it and thats the only time they'll do what they're told to do. If you give them an allowence, pay them the amount of money according to what grade they're in, in school, for example: if they are in 8th grade, pay them &8.00/week and only pay them if the job is completed. My daughter used to have to pay us back .$1.00 for each job she didn't do. Trust me, this works.
Good luck,
C.

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Believe me I have a simular situation I have a 19 year old son who works, goes to school and still somewhat helps me around the house doesn't ask for anything. Then I have a 16 year old daughter who doesn't help unless I bribe her with money she is always asking for everything when we are out I keep making the mistake of giving her money then she never ends up doing the chores.
I ended up having a long family meeting and set them straight. I am a single mom so it only me and the kids I basically told them that if they wanted to continue living here they were going to pitch in and clean up after themselves.
I didn't have them to be there maid.
We will see if it gets any better this week.
I guess my biggest problem is they don't even pick up after themselves they cook something and leave everything out then I go around after them and put it away.
Well I stopped doing it this week and just started throwing things away that belonged to them that they left out.
Let me know how thing are going with you and I will let you know the same.

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I feel as if all the advice (Moms) gave are awesome. Here are some of my rules that work out for my family.
After School, my kids (ages 6 and 12) do their homework and have a snack (always hungry!!!) I begin dinner, when the kids are done with homework they need do what ever it is to keep the home organized,then prepare themselves for practice, then comes dinner. We sit down as a family (every night) and talk about whatever..then comes practice, after practice they shower and get ready for bed.(I am in charge of cooking, dishes, floors, bathroom) My Children are in charge of cleaning there rooms and their own laundry. My oldest is 15 and she is on a different schedule. however she is home for dinner. Her practice is after school and she will do what she needs to after homework. As for taking things out and not putting them back...I hear all the time from moms at practice about how their kids rooms and their living rooms are full of food, plates, glasses and wrapers from snacks, my advice (If you buy the junk you would end up with the trash all over your home) Your Child has no respect for their home or you. they get offensive, they also complain on how they eat them out of house and home and I say 1 snack after school then dinner. Kitchen closed except for water. P. it is never too late to teach your children to respect you...How about your husband?

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I'm actually afraid of teenagers..My son just lefted his teens in Nov and now is 20..My 3 girls are 10.9. and 4 and I truly believe that helping around the house starts from the beginning..not wiping their butts..not picking up after them..even when their small..this way they will not expect anyone else to help and learn from a young age that these things are expected of them..Now that your children a bit older the best thing to do or say is nothing..if someone doesn't pick up after themselves just take a deep breathe and walk away. Then when it's time to go shopping or do something special...tell whoever didn't do their job that they cannot be involved in the fun because they will be too busy cleaning up after themselves..hopefully after a few kicks in the rear from themselves..they will get it..Good luck..There is still time to change bad habits into good.

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P.,
You are raising me as a teen!! My Mom had the same issues with my 2 older brothers and me. She stopped doing our laundry. She stopped doing dishes. She stopped cleaning. She stopped cooking. She stopped shopping for food and household items. In the beginning we could care less but after a while it got nasty. She stuck to her guns for a MONTH!! I know it was killing her inside to live like that. We had no clean clothes,ate whatever we could figure out, ran out of soap, shampoo,laundry detergent. It was embarasing to bring friends over. She made sure that neighbors,family,friends all stopped by during this time. What we didn't know is she contacted all our friends parents and told them to make excusses that we were not allowed over to their homes for dinner, sleep overs, do homework.... We thought we kids could stick it out but we couldn't. I think she would have gone on with it until we did give in. After that experience we all started pitching in. We also did not get any allowance at all for months after it ended. Finally, we did start getting some but only when we did ALL our chores.
I do have a question, does your husband step up and tell the kids to help? If not, you need to tell him to.
Good Luck!!!

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Seems you've got a lot of great responses. I looked over a few, and I think the basic theme may be the same as what my response is. The home is everyone's responsibility, and it is amonth the top priorities. So, things like activities that are loved, such as football, cannot happen if the kitchen isn't clean.

One thing we tried with our teenagers is the consequence in the moment approach. For instance, when your son is on his way out the door to go to such and such activity, you can tell him "wait, where do you think your going?" When he says, "oh, I'm going to the football rally, remember?" You can say, "Oh I'm sorry honey, you can't go. Remember the laundry you were supposed to do. It never got done. So you can't go have fun when you're work isn't finished." He'll be very angry this time, but he will be less likely to take the chance of missing a chore next time if he knows there will be a concequence, and he can't emotionally prepare to not care about it. Understand that teens especially will decide they are accepting a pre determined consequence when they decide on the behavior that will bring out the consequence. They will already have decided they don't care, and convinced themselves of this. They can't avoid how they feel about the consequence when they didn't know about it in the beginning.

One thing about saying you'll take away allowance is that it communicates that they have a choice. They can choose to do the chore or to go without allowance. They cannot have a choice when it comes to following your instructions and contributing. If they go to bed with the work undone, wake them up and make them do it. These things may seem extreme, but they won't keep it up, and it will show them that you are serious, and that they have no choice but to contribute. It's a skill they have to understand so that they take care of themselves and are contributors to their community.

Don't allow them to force you to compare them to each other or to defend/explain your actions around another of your children. Maybe your twin boy got a get a special allowance (not financial) because of another accomplishment. You don't have to run that by his sister for her approval. You may choose to tell her in order to encourage similar behavior, but the intent is different.

Also, don't be extreme or get too angry. Remember their behaviors are normal, and you are responding in ways that are centered around their development into productive adults. Don't take their actions personally, and don't yell with or argue with them. Just be firm, and emotionally move right on with your day. If you get them out of bed to finish the dishes, make sure you walk them back and say "Love you, goodnight," when they get into the bed to show you aren't angry. Not to gloat, nor to beg them not to be4 angry with you, but to say, no matter what, I still love you and wish you a good night's sleep, and don't worry about their response.

Ultimately you want to be consistant and you want to make sure that they meet expectations that you set. Sitting down with them was a great idea. Clearly communicating expectations is important. Being clear about what is not compromisable is also important, as well as being prepared to follow through with that assertion. You may also sit down with them together, and just have a decent conversation when noone is upset to discuss the house and what everyone wants to see happening within the home.

Make sure you husband is on board with you though P.. If he tells you to lay off in front of the children, it will undermine everything.

Good luck lady!

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I have to tell you how I grew up.
I am the oldest of 4 girls.
All 4 of us did dishes, cleaned, mowed the lawn, vacuumed, folded laundry and many other chores.
My mom used to make lists for us of things that needed to be done but dishes and making supper for example were something that were daily expectations.
We also had to practice our musical instruments for an hour each day.
If we didn't do what we were told, when we wanted something, we were reminded how we didn't do a particular task and told "no" and next time you will remember to do what you are told.
Also, my parents did not have a TV when I was growing up. They also took away "priveledges" such as going out with friends, spending allowences etc.
I don't think bribing works. You have to tell them what you want and stick to it. If you don't get the desired results, start taking away priveledges.
My parents would call family meetings and tell us we needed to do our part if we wanted to be a part of the family.
Now as an adult, I know more than most people I know. I can cook, bake, clean properly, fix cars, computers, sew...all because my parents refused to be our "maids" and forced us to take responsility in the family and do our part.

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P.,

I only have one son, and he is only 2, so I'm going to start by saying that I have not yet had the chance to practice what I preach.

I am also the oldest of four. My mom worked, or didn't, depending upon need over the years. That never affected whether or not we were expected to pitch in. The situation in our house was this:

"We all live here. We are all responsible for keeping our household running. A child is neither a guest nor a servant, and a parent is not a maid or a slave-driver. We are a team. Each member of that team has responsibilities based on age, time, and ability."

That's it. There's no debate. There's no "payment". They don't pay you for cab service when you drive them all over creation, do they? I've got no problem with an allowance in general, or with the opportunity to do some extra work for additional money from time to time, but there's no reason you should have to pay your kids to help keep the home they live in. At 13 and 14, they are more than old enough to pitch in. No matter how busy your son is with football (I know, my brothers always played), there is enough time to empty the kitchen trash can, and put the garbage out for pickup. It doesn't take a lot of time. ANY kid can find an hour or two on a weekend to mow the lawn, or shovel snow.

How do you enforce the other rules in your house? What's the consequence for missing curfew, or a bad report from school? Same goes with household work. They are responsible for it, period. Don't do it, pay the consequences. They will put this to the test immediately. Make the penalty swift, sure, and unpleasant.

You are not an indentured servant in your own home, and they are not babies. Who's going to pay the housekeeper in a few years when they leave home and have no idea how to keep up a place to live?

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Honestly, take away privileges. Take away gameboy, T.V., going out, whatever their favorite activity is. That always worked with me when I was a teen; whenever my guardians took away what I enjoyed, I knew the next time that I need to listen. Assign them chores that are mandatory once a week, and is expected. If it doesn't get done, then they can not attend their favorite basketball/sports event, or whatever they enjoy. These tips below were taken from American Baby Magazine, and I eliminated the childish ones since you have teens, and not little ones, but hopefully you can incorporate these techniques for your teens.

MAKE A DEAL
Privileges like watching TV, playing outside with friends, and spending time on the computer should be a reward for doing what is necessary around the house. Your teens will surely do their part if it means being able to enjoy their favorite activities. -Sabrina Powell; Carrboro, N.C.

BE A MODEL
Make sure you behave the way you want your teens to behave. Putting away your own things at the end of the day sends the message that it's important to clean up. If the rest of the house is neat, it will be easier to get them to manage their messes. -Jodi Ziesmer; Green Bay, Wis.

CREATE A SCHEDULE
During the week, our kids know thehy have to pick up their things from any common rooms in the house or I get to keep them, but bedrooms are their own spaces to keep as they wish. On the weekends, we have a big clean-up day, when everything in allr ooms must find its home. If it doesn't, I take everything in sight, and put them in a storage bin, and donate to charity. -Unknown

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HI I'm a mom of four teenager's. Yes I do agree that when it come's to chourse's they run and hide. Well i found thet if they realy wont to go some where ar if they realy wont to do some thing . I now have this thing. If they help out all week they get to do three thing's on the week end of their choise. They have to call me at home and check in with me. They realy strive for this every week . I tri my hardest to do the right thing. Let me know if this work's for you.
You'r friend,
M.

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P., Oh I can surely sympathise with you. I have one teenager and a "tween". And I hear that same argument from my kids, he doesn't have to do anything why should I or vise versa. Fact is my son does help a great deal. My daughter, well she's another story. I have to follow my daughter around to make sure she finishes what she started or stay there with her and guide her through the process. The thing is P., you can not give in or give up. Stick to your guns. Your children are old enough to help, and if they argue with you about it stop it right there, you tell them to do something they should do just as they are told.(in a perfect world I know) I know it's easier said than done, but eventually they will get it. Assign them certain chores, my daughter has the living room and my son has the kitchen and takes out the garbage. I also assign them one day a week to where they have to go through thier bedrooms top to bottom it happens to be on Thursdays. With assigned chores in place if they do not do what they are supposed to say they don't get thier allowences, of if they slack on a certain part of thier chore take away better than half of thier allowance. P., if they want that something special I mean really really want whatever it is, they will do thier chores. As far as you feeling like you are nagging, I don't think so. You have to keep on them. I wish you the best of luck. Teenagers UGH I know !

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Hi P.,
It seems to me that you are going about this all backwards. Instead of rewarding them for doing household chores, try penalizing them for not doing specific tasks. Assign each of them one or two tasks that they will be solely responsible for each day or each week. Tell them that there is no more reward for doing tasks that they should already do anyway. If they miss a date or are not allowed to use the phone for a day, it might work. Make the penalty something that they will miss. You can reward your youngest child, who does chores already with a weekly "allowance" to cover her willingness to do the tasks. You will need to give specific details on how to perform each task you assign. If the task is not completed according to your specifications, penalize them. Make each of them responsible for their individual tasks so that you don't have any arguments between them.

This is the method that I use with my daughter and it works beautifully. She gets what she wants and so do I.

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I grews up the oldest of five and I can tell you what my mom used to do. She would take things away. If we slammed the door no more door. IF our chores weren't done then she would start taking away the phone, t.v., going out on weekends, car, and if we really didn't listen no sports. My mom called it tough love. As for your daughter saying why doesn't he have too, my mom would say you are not the same people so you are not expected to do the same things. We learned very quickly to do our chores with no talk back. I don't know if this will halp but I hope you can get something out of it.

Mom go on strike with the kids that won't help. Tend to the ones that do and let the others know it a family it works both ways. You help me and ill help you. You do something for me and ill do something for you. When you wont help me I wont help you and it works big time.

I see you have tried to use a bonus system to get them to help around the house, but have you tried a punishment system when they don't do what you ask them to? It sounds like the kids are taking control. Maybe that might be the way for you to take control back. Ask them to do something, if they don't, take a privilege away from them. Let them know that there are consequenses for not helping.

P.,

Why are you trying to bribe and reward them to get them to contribute to the running of their own household? You are not placing unreasonable demands on them and should not be paying them to do small daily chores like dishes. They put up a fight because you let them and thy know that you'll just wind up doing it if they don't. If your son can't manage to do a few dishes or your daughter can't run the vacuum, then he shouldn't be attending football practice nor should she be going out. You're their mother, not the maid.

Getting your children to help out around the house starts from when they are young. My daugher has been helping me around the house from when she was about 2 or 3 years old. I assign chores to her which are age appropriate. She is now 12 and she does dishes, helps with laundry and is expected to keep her room clean.

I am not a maid and she and her brothers are expected to clean up behind themselves and contribute to the upkeep of the household.

The answer is easy - it has to cost them something, ex. no computer, no out, no whatever

The execution is hard - it will cost you something, YOU must follow through each & every time to attain your goal

Remember when they were 3 year olds, the technique works for both of them

P. i dont have a teenager yet but with my 7 year old if he doesnt help pick up then he doesnt get to do what he wants to do. The mess is usually his anyway. If it is his toys or clothes i will usually grab a trash bag and tell him either pick them up or lose them. It might not be nice but it gets him to help out. We also will pay him like you do for doing small chores i.e helping with dishes lugging firewood or whatever. So far it has worked. I hope things get better for you and your kids see how much helping out can benifit everyone.

S.

Hi P.,
I have a son who is 15 and also plays football. He started of on the wrong foot this year. after school he has football practice and then wants to come home shower, eat and go out. He is not allowed to go out untill his chores are done. Sometimes he says they are done and they are not. Let your son know if he does not do his chores he can't go to football or go out. In desperation you may want to talk to his coach. They usually have a big influence. Good Luck

HI! I have ten kids and on my third batch of teenagers. The older kids had jobs and sports and were not that helpful all the time. I feel your pain. The one thing I would say is we are the "Foreman" on the job. We have to keep checking and make sure the jobs get done. I gave a big speech this week..we are preparing you teens for life, so you can wash your own dishes etc. Talking to them during a quiet time, hard to find I know. But, sit down and talk at the table about the fact that they need to /must help around the house. Possibly give choices..dishes this many nights, bathroom, vaccum etc? Work it so when they are home not at practice? One other thing I read in a book once..Have them say "Good-Morning" when they get up, "Goodnight" when they go to bed and "Hello" when they get home "good-bye" when they leave..sounds simple but it made me talk to my kids 4 times a day on a busy day...As you wind down your parenting, your kids need you emotionally and to be a good listener, try to do coffee or whatever one on one..to build relationship..that will also help with the chores..if they respect you and feel close to you. Lastly find ways to punish for not doing the work..I leave dishes for them to do the next day..if they leave them. You can ground them or whatever to let them know you aren't kidding around. I do hope it gets better. My first batch of teens was very hard for me so I know how you feel~D. ps I never had money to spare so my kids never got any money from me.