October 29, 2008,
V.S. asks from Chicago, IL on October 25, 2008
Seeking Advice on Teen Step-daughter Issues
Hey Mamasource mamas,
So here is the nitey gritey. I have a 15 yo step-daughter who lives with her mother. I have known her since she was 6yo. We have had our ups and downs throughout the years. Things between us have gotten a lot worse since I had to rat her out to her mom last year. Her father(my husband) was serving a term in Iraq and I decided to be the bigger person and take ALL the kids to see the in-laws in florida. While there I found out she was on myspace saying she was 18yo and wanting to meet "hot boys". So I had to tell her mom. Her mother and I really don't talk because we really have not had good encounters in the past, but believed me and thanked me for letting her know. After that happened last year she has become more unruley. Examples: Told my husband she hated me and the kids(her half-sisters),accused me of having an affair while my husband was in Iraq and caring someone elses child(by the way the baby looks exactly like my husband), got caught sneaking boys in the house after school, taking pics of herself in her bra and sending it to boys, lying to everyone, and last but not least has been telling everyone to basically mind there own business because her life is her own and NO ONE can tell her what to do.
QUESTION: How far can a "step-mom" go in helping in this situation?
I have advised my husband to take her to counseling but he gives me the run around. I have been told in the past by both parents to mind my own business because she isn't my daughter. I am really afraid that she is going down the sexually irresponsible route and will end up pregnant or worse with AIDS. I truely care about this kid and am sooo concerned and sad for my husband who seems so lost.
1 mom found this helpful
So What Happened?™
So Thanks to all of you for your responses!! I decided to lay-off a bit. And everything seemed to fall into place. I encouraged my husband to spend more time with her which brought all of us closer. She is starting to realize I have her best interest at heart. We are working through our differences. She actually is contemplating moving in with us but I told her she should think about that long and hard since it is a "my house my rules" household! She is still debating...teenagers!! Thanks again!!
F.O. answers from Chicago on October 27, 2008
Sorry I disagree with the people who say that her parents have to be the ones that do something. I think that as step-parents we take on an obligation when we marry the parent to the child. I dont know her relationship with her mom but in one of my step daughters cases her mom was trying to be the friend. A friend so much that she let my step son come live with us. My other step daughter who is from a previous relationship and not by my husband til this day still calls and talks to me. She even thanks me for not giving up on her when everybody else seem to and let her do whatever. I know sometimes it can take an emotional toll.Try to call teh school where the child goes without the parents knowing and explain teh sitution. See if a concelar can talk to her and possible the mom. Dont give up on this child because even though it may not seem like it now in the end this child will thank you for not givining up on her. If you feel the need to vent just email me ____@____.com
K.C. answers from Chicago on October 26, 2008
This is going to sound harsh, but believe me, I'm not judging...just trying to help.
The grown ups in this scenario need to see things from this girl's point of view. Dad and Mom split up, Dad leaves and starts a new family with someone else, then Dad goes off to Iraq and may never come back (at least that's true from her perspective, even if he wasn't in real danger, which is never the case in a war). Wow, let's just put a stake in her heart!
Is it any wonder this girl is looking for some adult male attention and affection? Who wouldn't be?
I think your husband and his ex need to put aside their differences, no matter how big, and concentrate on this girl. It should start with a great big "we're sorry". We're sorry we trashed your life. We're sorry we all acted selfishly, getting what we wanted and ignoring what was best for you. We're sorry we put ourselves first, when you should have been put first. We're sorry we expected what makes us happy to make you happy. We screwed up. We made a mess of your life and you have every right to be angry and to hate what we've done to you.
Your husband should be devoting tons of time to this kid, even if it takes time away from the others. She didn't ask for that family, but she's expected to be just thrilled about it nonetheless. Is she expected to look after the new kids, like she's a built in babysitter? Imagine if you were 15 and you were being told that you had this new responsibility that you didn't want, didn't ask for and didn't have any part in creating. Wouldn't you be angry and resentful? Dad's new family is now your responsibility while Dad and his new wife go out and have fun. I think I'd be a little peeved too.
I think you should sit down with her and apologize too. Tell her that you too acted selfishly, getting what you wanted at her expense (I know it's hard to see it this way, but it's true--this kid lost her family and you gained yours...and it was at her expense.) She was Daddy's only girl, and now she has to share him. That hurts. She's looking for a way to fill that void.
Tell her that you can't and won't be a parent to her. She has two parents and doesn't want or need a third. Tell her that you can be a confidante and a friend and that you hope that the two of you can build something new and good out of this mess. Earn her trust keeping her confidences--don't share them with your husband. Let her know that you want to trust her and then give her chances to earn your trust.
Make and allow time for your husband to be with her alone. She needs her father's attention solely focused on her. It's going to mean less time with you and your children, but he owes this kid a huge debt. Let him pay it.
Lastly, don't blame her for being normal. Everything she's doing is absolutely normal behavior for a kid who's had her world turned upside down. This kid's heart was broken! Dad's off with his new family, or worse, in Iraq. Mom's probably either trashing Dad all the time or off socializing or both. She's alone and hurting and scared and angry and she has every right to be all of those things. She doesn't need to be fixed. She needs to have the attention she has every right to and isn't getting.
I know that this sounds brutal, but it's meant to be helpful. You seem to be genuinely concerned about her and that's a big plus, but you also have to look inward and accept responsibility for your part in the mess and also see things from her point of view. She deserved better than she got.
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L.C. answers from Chicago on October 27, 2008
Good Morning V., You might not like my answer but here goes. My husband has two children from a previous marriage. When I first met him both children resided with the mother. His daughter (9 years old at the time) wanted to reside with her father but he told her no as he was trying to get himself together. She cut off her hair and was disciplined by her mother. She promptly reported her mother to DCFS and hence now lives with her father. Unfortunately, over the last 8 years, my life has been a wholly hell. She has stabbed up walls, shoplifted, lied, stolen, etc. Unfortunately, both her parents tend to have small memories and believe that her actions are "normal teenage stuff" I had to leave her alone after so long as the lying on you, etc will not end. It is hard when you have to separate yourself from a child as this causes a lot of hardship to your family especially to your spouse. But, you are here and he is there and nothing will ever separate a father from his little girl as this is how he will continue to see her and want to protect her. I had to separate myself and this person no longer exist in my household. I moved on to doing things for me and no longer take care of her as she doesn't exist. This is what worked for me and might seem cruel, but I now have until summer 2009 before she leaves for school and I can have my home back. P.S. We tried counseling, but I watched the two of them not be very truthful and it ended before any attempts were made as he believes it is everyone else especially her mother but her. She also had a myspace account and when I reported this to her father his first response was indifference until I pointed out that college recruiters viewed accounts before accepting. He made her get rid of it but the next day she opened another one and this time put it to "private" so no one (only those with permission can view).
M.N. answers from Chicago on October 27, 2008
I have read some of the below posts, not all of them. Many of them are fixated on how the parents need to change. But for you, you have already realized this. I have a 15 year old step son that I have to say I am so lucky to have. He is a great kid. With that being said as the step mom I would handle things differently than his mom and dad. I am the only person in this family that comes from a divorced family so I can relate to my step son on some thinge but not all because each situation is diferent.
You will never be her mom but you will always be a role model that is seperate for her. This can be frustrating to you. I have tried on my end to have a better schedule and a better set of rules. I can only do so much and the stress it can put on you and your husband is a lot. We can all tell you to shape them up but its your reality that they are what they are. This does not mean you have to accept it. I also don't agree with going to get contraception for her. You would be crossing the line and causing more of an issue with her mom. Have the three of you come together to talk? What about talking to someone at her high school that would be outside of the three of you and that they would call the three of you in to get the two parents together and you? someone that would not say thatyou requested this but would care about your step daughter enough to call them in on the pretense of her school behavior? My step son has added me to his facebook page. He's not a nerd and a typical boy but at the same time I can see what he's up to. Can you get into her facebook page? Maybe figure out the people she is talking to? Is she interested in any sports? horses? anything that could deviate her from the road she is going down? Do the two of you have any interests that you share?
We will never be there parents we could never take that role. But, we can be people that love them mre than anything. My step dad was a part of my life since I was 2. I'm 33 and I lost him last year. I never wanted to betray my dad but I loved my step dad very much and when I got older we had a much better relationship. I lost him a year ago and I miss him! If I can help with listening or anything please let me know!
G.H. answers from Chicago on October 27, 2008
This teen is definately out of control. If your husband is in denial about parenthood and his ex whose head is up her rectum has not taught the girl "respect", self or otherwise, why would you subject a new baby to the same fathering skills? You can't do it on your own. All kids need dads and a moms whenever possible. Make your husband "deal" with this teen before she's lost. I worked for a high school 15 years, I know what I'm talking about even if I am blunt. Don't try to be a friend to this child. Stay firm and let him know that if he doesn't want your input to HIS child, let her stay with her mother-don't subject the new baby to this nasty attitude.
D.L. answers from Chicago on October 26, 2008
I think you need to take your step daughter to planned parenthood or to her Doc & get her on birth control. Then you, and or the Dr., need to talk to her about being sexually responsible. Tell her that even if she is on BC she must insist on using condoms. She needs to know & understand all the facts & consequences that come with being sexually active. Telling her to not have sex & to stay away from boys is only going to drive her further away. She is probably already sexually active & there is no turning back now. It's better for her to be safe & informed. You must also promise her that you will not tell her father or her mother & you must honor that promise. This will help her to trust you again & hopefully come to you when she needs help.
R.M. answers from Chicago on October 27, 2008
"QUESTION: How far can a "step-mom" go in helping in this situation?" You'll have to go VERY FAR because she is your daughter too (even if she has a mother). I would definitely try counseling (individual for her AND family counseling). She is acting out for a reason (some of her behaviors sound like normal adolescent behaviors and some are not) and you have to get to the root of the problem. Counseling will help. Don't ignore the problem, it will only get worse.
C.M. answers from Chicago on October 27, 2008
I am sorry about what you are going through and I hope that things do get better. My advice to you is to just leave the decisions to the parents even though I know you care for this girl and you want to help her out. You cannot help someone that does not want to get help and the harder you try the harder she will push back. It would be nice if the parents agreed with you and supported you on getting her some counseling because she obviously has the wrong concept about her relationships with the opposite sex. If you have tried all that you can do give her advice then that is all that you can keep doing. Maybe when you talk to her try an ask her why she is making the decisions she is doing and maybe you can find out how she truly feels. Maybe her parents divorce really affected her and she is trying to find "love" or affection that she is missing or feels she is missing from her father.
I will pray that things get better.
A.M. answers from Chicago on October 26, 2008
It sounds like your step daughter has self-esteem issues and could do with some help. Counseling would be good. Of course if both her parents don't want your input, then that is pretty hard. You can only suggest and try to be as supportive as possible for your step daughter.