Seeking Advice on Stepchildren

I was that person when I was 18, and had a step-mother that was only 6 years older than I was. When I gave the ultimatum to my dad that it was me or her, I got the shock of my life - He told me it was time I moved out.

And to tell the truth - It was the best thing he ever did for me. I am close to 40 now, and every Father's Day and Christmas and my dad's Birthday, I thank him for kicking me out. He always helped me out financially if I was desperate, but never made it easy for me to ask for that help - and he never let me move back in, no matter how bad it got for me. I learned early on that I was an adult and was responsible for myself.

I am closer to my dad now than I think I could have been had I stayed living at home and being a snot.

This is a really hard situation.
It sounds as if things have been so bad they couldn't get worse, except - dang it - they have.
So now, really, the three of you, as family, have to figure out how to go on from here.
I would say there are about three possible, workable solutions, and a fourth same-as-always that won't work.

Let's get rid of what won't work first:
Same-as-always is there's a bunch of yelling, she stays with you guys, you foot her bills, and she dumps her baby on you too.
But it's her baby so she can still do any stupid thing with it she likes, and you can't stop her, because you've never been able to stop her before.
Except now there is a small baby suffering from her poor decisions too.
That just won't work.
She has other things she needs to be doing (school), and other things she wants to be doing (screwing around).
The baby will just be something else for her to fight with you guys about.
You never managed to make her shape up before, why think things will be different with a baby?

Second choice.
If she is having the kid in your household, on your dollar, I would recommend you hold out for legal adoption.
You two, adopt her baby.
You pay its bills, you raise it, you are responsible for it, and you have the final say about it.
Yes, it means you would have two babies, but there may not really be a way around that, and this way you actually have two babies and are not just an unpaid babysitter.
She becomes the equivalent of the baby's aunt, a close relative with no decision-making power over it.
You will need to decide where and how she fits into this new household.

Third choice: put the baby up for adoption. Your husband, quite rightly, may not like the thought of his grandchild being cast off into the world. (I couldn't do this, myself.) And the child's father has to agree too. You might all have regrets.

Fourth choice: she moves out with baby, and you make some kind of allowance or agree to cover some kinds of bills directly (better).
She and the baby's father either work out some way to make a home for the baby or not, but she is gone.
The problem with this choice is that it will, most likely, collapse soon, and you will be back to choices 1-3 again.

-----My own thought is that I would start doing what I think of as "Adult Theater" at her.
Start talking about real choices.
She is not a baby, to expect the parental purse to be bottomless so that all she has to do is beg and money pours endlessly out.
She is an adult member of a household who is contributing nothing to it.
You have been supporting her, but now you are also going to be supporting her baby.
There is a total amount of money with many claims upon it, so now there will be less money for her.
You may continue to pay car insurance, pay school (if grades stay good), but her former "extras" are now paying for diapers, etc.
Think of a pie chart of money, this is her cut, her cut now also pays baby expenses.
Make it clear that this is a no-frills baby.
Dig through your own baby's stuff for hand-me-downs, and sent her off to thrift stores for her maternity stuff.
She needs to begin to function as an adult now.

A child needs both a mom and a dad. A child needs a stable household. Maybe the first suggestion would be to see if they can get married. If they are not interested in doing that , then for the best interest of the child ...the baby should go up for adoption.

If you are prepared to take care of her and her baby, then you are setting a precedent for the future: taking care of any future kids she might have again, or any of your other children's children if they decide to do the same thing. After all, you can't show favoritism to one baby and turn the others away if the same situation arises again down the road.

You're in a very hard spot, if their wern't any babies involved I would say, tell her to join the service. If the baby indeed ends up in adoption the service would be a good place for her to grow up fast.

Hi Diane,

As a woman who still has her own young children at home and is also raising her two grandkids, I'd like to tell you that your concerns are absolutley valid. I'm not sure why you think it was such a bad thing to tell her she needs to move in with her boyfriend but that sounds like a good idea.

If they do not want to get married, the fact is that they created a baby together and it sounds like it was intentional. Irresponsible as that choice was, there is still a child that that needs to be raised. At 20 years old, she is an adult who now has to step up to the plate. If she isn't ready to do that, adoption is another option.

Don't feel guilty about wanting to raise your child without another baby and her disrespectful mother in the house. Believe me, it changes everything and your instincts are right on. You are not throwing your daughter out to sleep in the streets; she has a boyfriend who helped her make a baby.

I do not understand these young people who take the creation of a living being so lightly (and I am including my own daughter when I say this). She needs to step up and realize that this child deserves a mother who will be responsible. If she wants your support, she needs to be respectful of you and your home. I urge you to stick to your guns, stand up for yourself and your child. As you said, you waited to have your own child. Seems like she may be trying to sabotage your marriage. I think this girl needs some professional help. I hope your husband sticks by you in your decision about this.

L.

You know, I really have some mixed emotions about how to respond to this! First of all, I think that it was really inconsiderate of you to make a decision without speaking with your husband, on that I do not have any mixed emotions. What I do have mixed emotions about is that you are right, she is 20 years old, and should act like an adult. But it sounds to me like she is really starving for some attention, and when you got involved in the relationship with your husband, you took on 3 kids, and you cannot turn your back on them now. Especially when it sounds like she is needing you guys the most. You need to think of things a little bit from her perspective. She has probably felt more like a guest in your home than like that is her home. She had to deal with a lot of things growing up because her parents divorced, and she has had to make a lot of sacrifices too! At least you knew what you were getting into, and could make a decision not to be involved. She (and the other kids) had no choice in the matter! I think that you can help how you feel! You are an adult, and you should take control of your actions, be a good role model for her! Where is her mother? Have you met the guy? I mean there are a lot of questions, and concerns that I have. Just because she is sleeping with this guy and apparently infatuated with him, doesn't mean that he is a good person for her to go and live with. What if he ends up beating her up or something, then how would you feel. Obviously that is an extreme example of something that could happen, but really, don't you want at least the baby to be in a good atmosphere growing up? Don't you think that the little innocent baby that she is carrying deserves more than to be kicked to the curb to go live with that guy? I just think that you should really take a second look at the situation and take into consideration THE BABY more than you are. You are really thinking about her and her bad decisions, and her bad attitude, etc.... (which I am not saying is right) but I think that you really need to take into consideration the new life coming into the picture that has no control over it's circumstances. Do I think that you should just let her run a muck, and do whatever she wants to, NO - definately not! I think that you and your husband need to sit down and make some rules together (alone first) and then tell her that she is welcome to stay there, but, these are the rules that we have etc...and they need to be followed and this is what we expect from you in this situation. You are an adult, etc.... Then she will be making a decision, and if she chooses not to follow the rules then you have some grounds for having her leave. But I think that if that happens, you guys need to try and get custody of her kid, and that you need to make it clear to her that your intentions will be to do that if she is not making good decisions for her baby. I hope that didn't sound harsh, I really didn't mean for it to be that way. I realize that you are really stuck between a rock and a hard place! I hope that things work out for you guys and that everything turns out to be a positive ending for everyone involved!

Dear Diane,

The dynamics of your blended family and current circumstances preclude any hope of a “normal lifestyle” at this time. You married their father when you were the oldest girls age. You may feel as if you have raised “step-children”, but they may have felt in competition with an intruder who’s only a little older and happen to hook up with her father and eventually have another baby. (Not nice or perhaps accurate, but these are immature and needy kids from your description).

No mention of their mother…what roll if any has she played in her children’s lives?

If the oldest daughter was going to school full-time, she won’t be for long unless she can juggle school and parenthood. She’s too old to be covered by your husband’s insurance, (if he has insurance), unless she is a full-time student (usually up to age 22); so you and your husband are caught between a rock and a hard place, unless the unborn child’s father has insurance and is willing to “man up” and take responsibility.

Your husband and you have been putting up with bad attitude for 13 years. You both set the stage and allowed it to continue and now are realizing the consequences. How are the 21 and 13 year olds doing?

If you are in communication with your 20 year olds boyfriend, I would suggest a sit down with the four of you. If his parent’s could sit in and are willing to help…. even better. Before this happens, you and your husband need to agree on what you are and are NOT willing to do. After all this time, I doubt your husband will leave his daughter and grandchild swinging in the breeze, if the child’s father and his parents take no responsibility. Still you need you need to have a plan. There’s a baby on the way that is innocent and must be cared for.

Blessings…..Be strong, loving, and united.

it seems to me that she is desperate and short-sighted and doesn't know how to change her life, and is using pregnancy as a call for help!
Is there any good role model for her, to provide her with guidance and long-term goal for her life? Some kids need more hand-holding than others and she appears to be one of them.
Even though she is 20, she has not learned how to be a grown-up; pushing her to be one will not work.
Please gently guide her to her responsibility and to take charge of her life, while holding her hand, giving her needed support.
You and your husband have been there to provide a stable home for his 3 kids; but it seems like there is a trust issue between you. Even the best intention or advice will be lost or bent if there is no trust on her part. You or your husband may have to earn her confidence before she would listen to your advice.
Seems to me, she is behaving like a confused child...

I would sit down and have a talk with your husband. Let him know you both are not helping her by supporting her like this. It is not making her responsible. If she is having sex she should be using some type of precautions. Let her know you will not be financially supporting this baby. It is her responsilibity. Who is going to watch the child when she goes to school? She needs to pay for daycare and find someone to watch the baby. I think it is time she grew up and moved out. It sounds like you are enabling her and creating a lot of bad habits. I got married at 21 and never asked my parents for another dime. Good luck:)

I really feel for you. Your son should be your first priority (he is 20 months and can not do things for himself). I would not want a grown woman living in my home and not following the house rules. I am sure you can imagine the future and allowing her to stay in your house. You will be feeding, waking up with and changing her baby not to mention paying for the baby's needs (regardless of where she lives). If I were you I would be resentful that your time with your baby will be taken to care for another person's baby. I am assuming your parents (or your step children) are not taking care of your son right now. Her behavior is "normal" for somebody her age (asking for money and expecting car insurance) which is why she should not be a mother yet. She can not even take care of herself. I am sure I will have emails from people saying I am mean, but it is time to say something. Some people think because they get pregnant that they are meant to be parents at that time. Is adoption out of the question? If she is going to keep her baby, she needs to take action on her own. You or your husband can point her in the right direction and give her information, but like I said in the beginning, your resources (financial and physical) should be used on the minor children in the house. I am not sure what your relationship is like with your husband and stepkids, but in my opinion i think you should talk to your husband come to an agreement and have him talk to his daughter. These things happen to non-step families and the daughter would never say to the father "pick me or mom." It is natural for a husband to stay with his wife and the adult children move on to their adult life.

I am totally freaked out by your story. I am married with two step daughters and my biggest fear is what is happening to you. I need to be able to talk with someone who has been through it. I have two children of my own with my husband so we are a family of four! My step kids ages are 10yrs and 8yrs. My son is 2yrs. and my little girl is 2mo.Im having alot of trouble with the 8year old. Im sorry I know you wrote this needing advice on your situation it's just that I totally feel like im headed down that same path. If you want to chat that would be cool but if not I understand. :)

I don't know that I have any great advice about what should or should not be done with your stepdaughter, but my advice is that you and your husband need to sit down and decide how you are going to handle this a.s.a.p. - before she is promised help of any kind. You don't want to have any misunderstandings that will give her a loophole to take advantage of the two of you.

Hi Diane,

I share your pain..............my 22 yr old step-daughter is finally coming out her "darkest days", as we call them. It took 9 years of survival, though. The only thing that thankfully didn't happen.....was a baby.

Throughout my years as a stepmom, I have learned that every situation is totally different than the others. The only real thing in common are the emotions that the stepmoms go through. This i can relate to. I am not offering you any advice, but i will briefly share my experiences with you as a comfort to say that "you are not alone, simply do what is right in your heart."

I have been a step-mother for 14 years, and have honestly been through it as any other stepmom can say. The positive side to my story, though, is that today....after many years, I am respected and loved by my stepkids. So, throughout all the arguments and tears, something must've worked.

You didn't mention her mother in your posting. Perhaps you are the only mother-figure in her life? Well, this can be a very good thing in your favor, and at the same time, she can hold resentment toward you because you are NOT her real mother and that you must love your "real son" more than her, so what does she care if you like her life or not? Oh boy, I can only hear it!

We did the brave thing with our daughter.....we told her that due to actions and behavior, she was not a good example to the other kids in the house. She was asked to leave :o( It was absolutely the hardest thing we ever had to do. But honestly, we had a 2 yr old in the house at the time, and wanted him to love his sissy, not resent her.

You are the "world's worst parents" anyway....so you can expect the same words from her if you choose to have her leave. You can say somthing like, "Honey, this isn't working out for any of us. You are so unhappy in our home, and we are so sad that we cannot make you happy. You are an adult that has your own ideas on how your life should be. We are obviously holding you back. It's time for you to be on your own to live your life the way you would like to".

When it came to the finances, we continued to pay for her Car Ins. and cell phone for about 4-5 months, but gave her plenty of warning before we would stop paying. We tried to allow her time to "figure it out", but she never did. The car ins lapsed and her cell was shut off, which meant we had no way of contacting her (very scary). But, with the grace of God, we "held on" knowing that what we were doing was best for all, especially her (at least that's what we tried to believe).

You need to know that things got way worse before they began to get better. And, I mean WAAAAAAYYYY worse. Things that you don't even want to know, and things that I'd like to forget. Again I say, thankfully she didn't get pregnant!

She will be 23 this February, and is approaching an 8 month period of time where she has been "welcome" around our house. They LOVE to see their Sissy (thank goodness), and i feel like we did them a "service" by protecting from her temporary troubles. She goes the "extra mile", and is definitely earning back our trust. Our hearts are pretty protected. Actually, my husbands' heart is wide open at this point. He just wants his little girl to "come back to him" like he remembered her. He lets me do most of the talking now, because he knows he'll "mess it all up". We don't want to go backwards.

She hasn't asked us for any money in awhile, and when she did, it was in the form of grocery gift cards, and gas cards. We needed to make sure she was using the $$$$ to live on and not anything else.

You are going to have a baby involved. You will feel compelled to make certain that her baby, your grandchild, will have everything it needs. I hope she starts off with medical ins, because having a child is a medical expense.

Your step-daughter will begin to grow up soon. Everything is and will always be ABOUT HER for awhile longer. Afterall, nobedy else has ever had a baby, right? :o)

The other moms and I will be here for you, if you need it.

Good Luck, Diane. May The Force be with you, your strength and your emotions.

~N.

Diane B.,

From one step-mother to another, I read your posting and felt your pain. This is a position where walking a fine line is the norm. Being married to somone with kids from a previous relationship is trying; you want to maintain your strong bond with your husband but in doing so, you do not want to come between their relationship with their children. Further, you do not want to make them choose, or at least make them feel like they need to choose. But Diane, your husband already chose, he chose you. When you got married before friends, family and your spiritual power. Husband and wife share the strongest connection and is the primary relationship. This is not to say that the children just fall to the wayside, but this is true. At this point, you and your husband provided in the best way for you 20 year old step-daughter. She has been a legal adult for 2 years and since she believes that you two as parents have been so BAD, well it's time for her to step up to the plate and become a parent herself. And this means providing for her child, securing a residence (outside of yours), and setting limits and boundaries. It will be difficult to experience and to watch from the sidelines, because she will likely fumble somewhat. But if not now, then when? I am sure you do not want to raise another baby, care for it when she decides to leave and yet continue to be disrespected and down-talked. She is an adult and plain and simple, adults make a way.
For her father this will be hard, but up to this point I am sure many things have been hard. Support him during this time, but be sure to voice your opinions and concerns to him directly without others around. He is likely on the same page but unsure of what course of action is best. What is for sure though, if you two continue to let her behave in this manner, she will.
Good luck.
- T.

You have to cut the strings of having an open wallet and make her see that she has to go it on her own since she is big enough to have unporotected sex. It is of the utmost importance for you and your husband to be on the same page and he must be the one to tell her. You can let her know that if the baby needs food you will gladly buy some but no more open wallet.

What a challenging situation, I'm sorry.

Your stepdaughter needs to grow up, yes, but now there is another child on the way. It does not sound like she is in any way ready for the responsibilities of being a parent. I would work with your husband to try to encourage your stepdaughter to put the baby up for adoption. If she refuses, the two of you need to honestly assess what is in the best interests of the new baby ... while your stepdaughter should be out on her own under other circumstances, you may need to make an exception or try to get guardianship of the new infant (and then have your stepdaughter move out). The new baby deserves to be raised by healthy, mature parents and not suffer the consequences of an immature mother.

Good luck.

It is most definitely time for your stepdaughter to grow up, especially if she's going to be a mom herself. You need to sit her down and explain that from now on, things will be run as if she's a tenant, not a child (because she's not a child.) For example, she will pay rent by a specific date each month. Failure to pay will result in her being evicted from the home. After all, that is how the world works. Also, she will be responsible for certain household chores. If those chores are not done, she will not be allowed to eat dinner with the family, wash clothes in the family washer/dryer and her car insurance and gas will not be paid. She does not have the upper hand, but you're allowing her to believe she does. You need to take back control. It's not your job to be her friend; it is your job to prepare her for the real world and it sounds like that job has been neglected. As much as it hurt me to do it, I have taken my daughter and dropped her off on a street corner with suitcases in hand. the message got through and she has been a different person ever since. give her some credit - when the chips are down and she absolutely HAS to do something, she will. She won't, however, as long as she knows you and daddy will be there to do for her or to excuse her from doing anything. This seems to be a real problem these days - kids thinking parents owe them support for their entire life and that they are not required to do anything. It is really very scarey when you think that in 20 years, it will be these self-serving, self-absorbed people running the country!

Hi Diane-
Being a stepmom is not an easy thing. I tip my hat to you for helping raise your son's three kids. The feelings you are having are absolutely reasonable and valid. So don't feel bad for feeling that way.
The first thing you must do is sit down with your husband and get on the same page with him. You can't "fight" this alone. Lay everything out on the table and come to a united decision with your hubby. That way he can back you up on the way that you feel and you don't come off as the bad guy.
Sounds like this daughter has had a nice ride for a while and there haven't been much consequences for her actions. It's time for her to grow up and take responsibility. You guys need to stop paying her bills for starters. If she were to stay living with you, guess who would be raising her baby? - Yup, you!
Good luck to you! I know this is a tough one!

Hi Diane,
First of all, let me offer my sympathies-- you are in a tough spot! Then, let me say as a family therapist specializing in teens (and your step daughter may be 20, but she's acting like a 13 y.o.) you need to talk to your husband, come up with an agreement together of what you are and aren't willing to do, then lay down the law and stick by it. You're not doing his daughter any favors by letting her dodge her responsibilities longer.
Best of luck!

Don't feel Bad!!! She is an adult and she needs to be responsible for own decisions, not you and your husband. He can still be a father to her without having to support her financially. If she doesn't like it, oh well. You've done your best and that's enough. You're husband has a responsibility to your child now and that comes first. I really wish the best for you, I know how diificault it can be.

I have been reading all the advice you have been given- both positive and negative and I wanted to put my two sense to just say- GOD IS IN CONTROL!!! He never gives you more than you can handle and he is there to hear you and help you.
I took care of my ex-husband's daughter for 3 yrs** I still take care of her at times, we never used the words "step" anything she was mine and I treated her like it. You can do this, the decisions you are making are your own, you are the parent- you have been since forever, so taking decisions on your own w/o her father is what I did. You know what is best for her- he does not see it this way, that is what separates the sexes of parenting.
I'm sure you will make the right decision, and even if your lil one is in a disfunctional family- hey, we all have one of them!! Good luck.. and God bless you.

Just wait till you hold that little baby. The baby will call you grandmother, so do no less than you can to be the grandmother to this innocent child.
This is not the time in our ecomony to dump and hope.
She is getting some college done, and hopefully the father supports them, and they can build a life together, but more than ever, so much is at stake.
(I'm step mother to 2 adult children-they have3 babies and mom to 3 of my own- including a late twenty's return to the nest) You will not regret helping a baby...

You're not being selfish. She is a grown woman that has made a decision to be grown and needs to be responsible for herself and her child. For as long as you enable her dependence you can't expect her to be independent. It is not your responsibility to raise her child. You are doing the right thing in requiring that she be responsible for her actions and the consequences. Work with her father to get him on the same page.

Hello sorry to hear you are going through a tough time. You have been a family since the kids were 3,7, and 8 and then you had another. You can't think of them as "his" kids and now you have "your" child. These are all your children and your daughter is in trouble. She needs you both. You can't kick her out without her dad's input, and you can't make him be on your side. Is her mom in the picture? Maybe all three parents could sit down and see what each is willing to do. Yes she made a mistake, and maybe she will move in with her boyfriend, but she's 20 and probably scared so she will need your support. Good luck!

Diane,
To clarify no, I don't have stepchildren, but I have had to deal with my daughters stepmom. Before my ex and his new girl had there own child, she was all over my daughter, trying to play mommy. As soon as their child was born, mine no longer mattered. Infact, she's treated like an inconvienence. If a 6 year old can be effected by such behavior, I'm sure a 20 year old can too.

I understand that you want your time, and your child and as far as your concerned you've extended enough effort towards your husbands kids, but that's what you signed on for. You don't get to start over and have a different type of life now that they're older and you have YOUR baby. You have been in their lives for so long that they ARE your babies. If you don't feel that way, then you shouldn't be there. It's obvious that you've already put the new child above the rest of the family. You should think about this. All you will do is drive a wedge between this child and his siblings. Not to mention the problems that will occur with your marriage. Your husband undoubtedly loves all of his children the same. Don't make him choose.

Not a sweet start for the New Year, but a managable one eventually. You and your husband really need to sit down and discuss the future of your family dynamic. You need to remain mature and not act like a 20 year old when discussing things with the pregnant step daughter. You need to help her with resources so she can get out on her own. You have 9 mos to get her on her feet or you will be raising her child. Good luck.