Seeking Advice on Soon to Be Ex-husbands Girlfriend.

Hi J. -

You have several problems here. One is the smoking, obviously, but it's not just a question of your child being exposed to the smoke while it's happening - it's the fact that the smoke never really clears from your ex-husband's apartment and your child is exposed to the toxins even if the cigarette was smoked an hour or 3 hours ago. The second problem is that, if you bring up the girlfriend's smoking, it will be perceived as an objection overall to the girlfriend - either by him, or by her, or by both. So if you discuss it, you have to be very clear and calm about what your concern is. You can get lawyers involved, but that costs money and I can tell you, I have been through years of legal nonsense with my husband's ex-wife, and it's draining. Now that the weather is getting nice, maybe your ex can spend a lot of time outdoors with your daughter - parks and playgrounds, etc. If you approach it like you are accepting of his right to see a woman, but you'd like the smoking to be outdoors, it will be less threatening to them. It's likely that the 19 year old will get awfully tired of a 2 year old cramping her style, and she will not want a toddler there to impose on her Saturday night fun. Right now, she's probably around a lot just to stick it to you, and your ex may be encouraging it to show you that he is desirable and popular. He also may want the help with your child - I don't know how hands-on he is as a dad.

The third issue, of course, is attachment - but this is something beyond your control. It would be nice if he didn't introduce a new woman into your daughter's life at this early stage, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. If your daughter is not staying overnight at his apartment, there is less chance for a strong bond to develop. As long as he is not neglecting your daughter in any way, it will be okay. The more you protest, the more likely he may be to cling to this relationship - it depends on his issues, and whatever animosity is between you and him. As much as you can take the high road, the better it will be - hard, I know. If you can say, "Did you have fun with Daddy and Susie?" in a chipper voice, it will make it easier to say to him, "I think it's nice that Susie is devoting so much time to our daughter. A child can't have too much affection. I hope you agree with me, though, that the smoking should be confined to the outdoors, for our daughter's welfare." See if that works. Good luck!!

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Hi J.
This is a tough situation when the x's find someone new. Honestly....at 19 I seriously doubt that she'll be around forever. She's the rebound girl and rebound relationships usually fade pretty quickly. It would be in your daughter's best interest if he didn't introduce her to every woman in his life just to keep her from being confused and getting attached to someone who isn't going to be around forever. It will cause her to shut down totally and not want to build any kind of relationship with anyone because she's thinking they'll just take off on her anyway.

As far as the smoking thing you need to be an advocate for your daughter. Print out all the material you can on the dangers of second hand smoke in children and give it to your x to read. Let him know that he needs to also step up and be a hero for his daughter. If the teeny bopper can't deal then she needs to be somewhere else when your daughter visits. Have him visit at your house and make sure you have a big "This is a smoke free facility" sign on your front door. Get a court order if you have to. You shouldn't have to put your daughter in an unhealthy situation.

Good luck!

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Hi J.,

I have read through the previous 6 responses and agree with what the others have said. Hopefully you have the kind of relationship with your daughter's father that you can work things out together amicably. However, I would consult with your lawyer and get everything in writing. You want this to be binding; no loopholes, no "But I thought that just this once.....", etc. No matter what is going on between the two of you, you both need to put her well-being at the forefront of the entire situation. In this day and age, I know too many people who either have gone through a divorce or are currently going through one. Some are so positive that unless you really know the people, you would have no idea that they were divorced. Others are full of such animosity that the kids are suffering so badly. But, like I said, no matter how positive you both try to be through this process (if it is positive) get your lawyer on board. You don't want him/his girlfriend of the moment to have any wiggle room when it comes to your daughter's safety and her rights.

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I agree 100% with Robyn. I personally would not allow her to go over there if her father cannot step up and tell his boy toy to not smoke in front of his child, in this day and age it is very ignorant! I had a similar situation with my mother in law, she chain smokes, therefore her house is always filled with it and it smells soooo bad. One day I went to drop my little girl off and she was sitting on her couch smoking a cig when we arrived. I told her I would bring her back in a 1/2 hour till the smoke cleared. I also asked her if she smoked in front of her and she said no, so I just asked her if she could try not to smoke just before we arrive, so my child does not breath in second hand smoke. When she comes home I have to bathe her and wash all of the stuff that was there, her house is sooo smelly it permeates all of her clothes. I hate cig smoke smell!!! This is serious and Maine has passed some new laws that do not allow adults to smoke with children in the car. I hope you can get your ex to wake up and be a responsible parent. Good Luck

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I would right out tell him there is to be NO SMOKING around your daughter or in the apartment at all! Go outside or your daughter simply does not go over there at ALL! If the 19 year old little "bleep" doesn't want to respect you and your ex then your husband can come to your place or a mutual place (McDonald's) or something to visit with your daughter. Second hand smoke is so bad for anyone especially your precious little girl! As a mother I would take a stand and demand it stop or else!!! Good luck and I am sorry to hear about your upcoming divorce.

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Get it in writing from your lawyer! You have the right to protect your daughter.

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Keep on smiling J.!You are too young not to. I think that you need to have some kind of meeting with your ex and his girlfriend.I'm sure that the dad wants best for his daughter also.In the mean time keep positive- you sound like a sweet girl and a great mother.

jenifer. i no what your saying. but one thing you can do. is go take him to court and ask them onley dad can see the baby no girlfriend on dads day. he has no respect whats so ever for his baby . looks like this girl has him around her finger. we do not smoke when our son comes with his baby. and he stays here for hours. either take him and her to court. and tell them what you want. orask her nicely to stop smocking around your baby . i wisch you luck
B.

Hi Jen!!I just read Diane B's respond and she is RIGHT ON,SHE HAS SAID IT PERFECTLY!!Just hang in there and put on a happy face for your little one,you are a great mom,and will make someone very happy,so again hang in there!!Good Luck

Well I would approach your husband that you are not comfortable with the smoking around your daughter. Also, 19 is a little young, does he want a playmate for himself or his daughter, or a babysitter. I would just ask them not to smoke around the baby. I really don't know what else to say, But he should understand.

Hi J.,

I too have a soon to be ex, who is living with a new "lady friend" as he puts it. Our 9yo son spends every other weekend with him and I also have a few parenting issues that need to be worked out. A good friend of mine who is also a teen councilor recommended mediation if talking doesn't work. Mediation gives both you and your ex a third party to keep the conversation on track and hopefully help set the parameters on how you want to jointly parent your daughter. I'm so sorry that you and your little girl have to face this. Remember though, a good Mom goes a long way when it comes to happiness and stability. And, everyone else is right, 19 is young and the chances of the little twit sticking are slim. Smoking in front of a 2yo, what is she thinking?

I hope this helps. Jo

I agree with most responses, but I don't think there is a court that is going to allow you to keep a child from their father, because every parent has the right to see their child, unless you can show he is a negligent parent. You may be able to take it to court and get a court order that the girlfriend has to smoke outside, if the 2 of you can not agree on that. If you can calmly talk about it and get him to see it is bad for her health would be best. So as mentioned by others get to the internet and do your research regarding second hand smoke, the New law in Maine; whatever you can find.

As long as you have an open relationship with him, and you two are able to talk calm without arguing, then it should be no problem to say something to him. If he wants what's best for his children, then something like this would be a no brainer..second hand smoke is worse than first hand smoke!!! I could not get my ex to understand it, unfortunatly, I have a daughter who has asthma, so my daughter's doctor write a note telliing him that they, he and his new wife are not to smoke around her because it will make her sick. I wish you luck....exspacially with a 19 year old.

This girl is NOT your child's mother. You need to make it clear to your ex that smoking around your daughter is not appropriate and you don't want it happening. If need be you can provide them with literature on the dangers of second hand smoke, the most important of which at your daughters age is asthma! We have a similiar issue with my mother in law who is a smoker and we just make it clear that smoking around the kids isn't something we want them exposed to. It was a bit of a battle at times, but she abides by our wishes now.
Good luck and stick to your guns.