Seeking Advice on Own Mother Helping Out with New Baby

my MIL lives in california, and decided (on her own) that she was going to wait for the call that i was in labor and then rush right out to be there for the birth! we told her that we would prefer that she come out after a few weeks passed by because while i was in the hospital, and during the first week, her time would be limited due to the need for privacy, the baby sleeping so much, lots of visitors, etc. we also told her how important it was that my hubby and i be there on our own to figure things out, and to establish routines that first week. i didn't want my hubby to get out of doing things like diaper changes, baths, and figuring everything out just because there wer others there to do it... i was afraid that if that happened, it would become a habit.

perhaps you could say the same thing to your mother, that she would be most helpful to you to be "on call" so that if the first nights are rough, she could come over to give you a rest or something, but that otherwise, you two really want to do it on your own at first...

perhaps your mother might under

1 mom found this helpful

I think there are many ways in which she could be helpful without getting in your way.

When my first son was my mother-in-law wanted to help. When I was in the hospital she came to my room everyday and stayed from the beginning to the end of vistiting hours. When I got home she would set on the couch and hold my son all day and I found myself in the position of asking for my son! Sometimes the baby would see me and start crying(I guess because he wanted his mom) she would just turn him in the opposite direction so he was not able to look at me!

When my mother came to visit she would sit and wait for MIL to let her hold the baby. Finally I would have to get him from her to give to my mom.

Because I was a first time mother having someone come over and hold my baby all day was not something I wanted. I enjoyed taking care of my baby. I wanted to spend time alone with him. After a while I would leave the house with my child just so I could have some time to myself. Four years later I realize that she was just trying to help and I try not to carry a grudge.

What was helpful to me was when my grand mother came over to do my laundry or when my mom would come over at night to set up with the baby so I could get some sleep (he basically slept most of the day and was up all night!) My step mother actually cooked a meal for me and cleaned my kitchen. I had a c-section so I was in pain for almost 2 weeks. However, they left me alone to bond with my son.

Luckily, I kept most of my feelings to myself. Although, my husband and I did have some heated arguments about it. After maternity leave I went back to work. MY MIL offered to come to our house to watch the baby while we worked all day. No one else volunteered to do it. And she did it for free! In the end she was a God send! Still, when I think of those early years I can't help to be a little annoyed.
So, to make a long story short, there are things she could do for you that can be helpful without interfering with you bonding with your baby. I think a mother and child should be left alone the first couple of weeks.
Hope that helps.

1 mom found this helpful

If you can, set up the "ground rules" before you even have the baby. As a mom, the help given was with other children, household duties, answering the phone, etc. Since I nursed, even feeding was something only I could do.

As a grammie, I practiced what I preached and when I was with my daughters and daughter in law, I let them lead.

I imagine the most difficult thing will for your mom is to keep her disdain for your situation to herself. I'll pray that once she looks into the eyes of her grandbaby, she'll melt into the loving grammie you both would like her to be.

I would suggest that you give her very specific things/days/times that she can do things for you, then you know exactly when to expect her and about how long she will be there.

I can understand your feelings towards you mom helping... I felt similar. I really didn't need very much help with "stuff" (laundry, dishes etc...) after my daughter was born, my husband was very helpful and my mother and law did a few things but I didn't have a "live in nanny" of sorts doing all of the chores that I normally did. I felt pretty good a few days after wards and again my husband was very helpful.

We got alot of meals though, that is very helpful, from our moms and church. So I would say ask your mom to make meals on certain days, if she wants to do more, let her come over and hold your baby for a little bit while you shower etc... but I really don't think unless you have alot of damage and recovery (rare) you won't need as much help as you may think.

It also depends on what kind of person you are.
I am very self sufficient, and my friend for example is not, we're both pregnant and having some issues with sickness, I am doing all my stuff caring for my child, etc... my friend has her mom do her laundry or her husband, they watch her son at times during the week, she has not made dinner in 3 months and she is a stay at home month, her husband works full time and he still does all the house work. SOO my point is that she will welcome any and every help that is offered to her when her baby is born. I will not I am a private person and like to do things myself if I can.

I guess it just depends on who you are, and what you are like....

S.,

I have a similiar relationship with my mother, although it has gotten better over the last couple of years.

I have had 5 babies, after I had given birth and then came home, my mom would come and stay with me. She would take right over and it would upset me terribly (also all those hormones levels shifting in my body I'm sure didn't help much) I wanted to do things my way and all the constant criticism and unasked for advice, really bothered me. It was the worst with my first baby, and by the time I had my 5th I was pretty confident and experienced that it was easier to just "tolerate" her.

What worked out best was (she lives very close to us) if she just comes over for a few hours at a time, and then goes home and also she always slept at home too, I figured if anything happened in the night I couldn't handle she was a phone call and 10 minutes away.

Only you know the situation with your own mom. But let me speak from experience that most likely you will be a little "touchier" than usual. You will be tired from giving birth, and lack of sleep, once the baby is there. Your hormone levels will be fluctuating, and she will be eager to give advice and "show you how its done". Try to be realistic, if she isn't normally sensitive to your feelings and your wishes, or respectful of your decisions, it could make things very tense.

I wish the best to you and your new family. God Bless you all.

S. ~
Alot of times having a baby can help to repair a relationship. Maybe that's what your mom is hoping for. Have you ever sat down and talked to her....explain that whether you should have gotten pregnant or not, you did. whether she likes your husband or not, he's still your husband. Explain how you feel to her....that you are trying your best, but her support would mean the world to you. You won't be in an apartment forever....and children have been raised in smaller spaces just fine. :)
good luck!
D.

S.,
I would recommend that you have some tasks that you want your mom to help with. Laundry, cleaning, cooking, writing thank you notes, wrapping holiday gifts, sending out baby announcements, running errands etc. Even cooking casseroles or soups to be frozen for the weeks after she is gone. My MIL and I have a difficult relationship and I only had her help for 1 day and she couldn't behave herself. So set some boundaries in advance - I know you will either support me/us in the decisions I/we make or you will keep your opinions to yourself.
Good luck!
K.

I think the biggest issue is stress on you. If it will cause more stress for you to have her there, then don't do it. This is not the time for you to feel like the middleman between your hubby and your mother or to be a peacekeeper. However, if she can keep her opinions to herself and respect the way YOU want to mother your baby, then her help will be welcome! I would tell her straight up that you are thrilled that she wants to help (even if you aren't) but she just can't be bringing up old issues. Her motive has to be purely to help you rest and heal and ease into new-mommy-hood! That way everybody will know what is expected and hopefully you can all be relaxed. You never know, maybe this will be the beginning of a new relationship for you!

~L.

This could be a good time for you two to reconcile. the love she has for you and your new grandchild could totally change your personal relationship. ON the other hand, it could totally ruin the first week you have with your daughter. Since I don't know your mother, I'm not sure advice to give. The only thing I can say is that you should follow your heart. If your Mom begins belittling you or criticizing you or your husband, ask her to leave. You want to enjoy the first week with your child and she needs to understand that. Good luck and God bless. :)

Take the help with a grateful heart and let the drama be set aside for a week, you will appreciate her being there and maybe this bonding time for the three of you will have a positive affect on your troubled relationship.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I let my annoying mother help out in the beginning and she ended up running the show and now she is closer to my daughter than I am and she totally ruined my relationship with my first child. Nothing I did was right. She put her nose in all my business and just made a mess of things. Just do it on your own and make her stay away, no matter how good her intentions may seem. I'm telling you, I went through exactly the same thing and I let her help and it ruined everything for me. Please don't make the same mistake I made. It is a mistake that I've NEVER been able to recover from. This is YOUR child, not hers. So what if she is "grandma", she needs to know her place...you are the MOM. I have recently disowned my mother because, still, after 16 years, she is still trying to tell me what to do. I have 5 kids and am on my second marriage (6 years now) and am 36 years old and she just won't keep her nose out of my business. I would hate to see anyone go through what I have gone through with my mother and my kids. Just do it yourself and limit her to what she can do...make it clear that you will not tolerate her interferring with how you want to raise your child.

I went through it twice with in law and the best solution both times was to take the help - look appreciative, and know it will go away :) then you will have made her happy which will last a lifetime. Know she wlil tell you what to do the whole time she is there but when she leaves you can do what you want :)

I had this issue with my MIL and we found a way to solve it. Very politely, I told her that I would appreciate the help, but at the same time I felt it was necessary to have bonding with my new child. Our compromise was this...come over for dinner and help us out for an hour or two, but then leave!! My advice to you...since i dont know how close your mom lives to you...is pick partial days or however much time you think you can handle, and then get yourself ready...ex. make frozen dinners that you can warm up easily, get all the laundry done etc...that way you wont NEED the help if having your mom there will be stressful!
Good Luck!

I agree with Donna...have a talk beforehand about the things you can't change and then welcome her assistance, but in a specific way. Ask her to take on the cooking and cleaning so that you have time to bond with your child. Ask her for time to rest that she can cuddle with the wee one. And ask for her advice on things - this will make great amends when she feels that her baby still needs her help. If she starts in about your choices, stick to the plan and say "I'm sorry but I won't go into that again" and redirect the conversation. Sometimes we need to stand up to our mothers when we have become adults and remind them that we *are* adults. In their eyes, we're all still their babies.

Play it by ear for now. If she gets too overbearing or starts browbeating you, it's time to set restrictions. You can always be humble and say how much you appreciated her help when you needed it, but it's time for you to grasp your responsibilities.
And if she can't respect your wishes, it doesn't bode well. Because it will cause all the more restrictions.

Why don't you just keep her "on call"...I'm sure you'll do just fine on your own. You'll need her more down the road!

My MIL stayed with us, and it wasn't that fun. I wanted help getting food and laundry done, she wanted to "teach" me how to care for the baby. She ended up feeling unnecessary and left after 4 days. I was 35 and didn't want that kind of help so I was glad to have her go! My husband, her son, felt bad. I told him to do what he wanted (basically, you deal with it!) so he talked her into staying a day or 2 more. I guess speak frankly with her about the doubts. And tell her what kind of help you "think" you'll want. You won't know until then anyway. The best help a helper gives a new mom is whatever she needs, which takes an intuitive, unselfish person. My sister would have been the one I'd have picked. With my 3rd child she came. She made me tea or kept water at my side always, fed us all healthy food, talked to my husband and kept he and the other 2 cared for. I cried when she left!!!

My mother and I differ on many things. But I allowed her to be with me for my first week home with each of my sons and I must say it was more for her than me. I had wished though that she had come the second week for my sake...LOL..the first week both my children slept the whole time. But the second week was when both my children started to wake more and it seemed I needed her..But at least she was able to bond with her grand baby and she also knew not to cross that line of respect in my home. So I would take her up on it and get the rest you are going to need. But only you know if this will work for your situation or not. It is a great time for bonding though...:) good luck hope I am not too late to responding....

When we had our first child my husband was working nights at a restaurant - and was not able to take the time off. He was with me during that first day we were home (or for a couple hours at least) and then that night my mom came over after work. If I remember correctly that was a Friday. After that, she was what we called "on-call" at night. If I needed help, I'd just give her a call at work and she would come over after she got out. Otherwise, I was on my own. As it turned out, we (my daughter and I) did just fine, and I didn't need my mom's help. I would see if she would be willing to work out a situation like that. If your husband isn't going to be home those first few days, see if she can come over on those days and then on day two, three whatever you decide, she's just on call. That way, if you need her (even for advice) she's there, but you can also start to establish YOUR routine - not someone elses.

Rather than having her over, why don't you ask her to prepare meals and bring them over? Stuff you can put in the freezer or fridge and heat up with little fuss? Or ask her to come by for an hour a day so you can take a shower and brush your teeth (things you won't have time for). Just that little bit of help can be a lifesaver, trust me!

Good luck!

I think this only works when you have a good relationship. My mom came for 2 weeks with each of my kids. She cooked, cleaned, helped with my son after the second baby, shopped and help the baby when I needed to shower or spend time with my son. She was awesome. She helped when I wanted it, and stepped back and did as I asked otherwise. You are soooo tired that having something that you have a strained relationship with cannot be good. The first few weeks are hard, but you never get them back. I would see if your husband can take some time off and the 3 of you can hunker down for a while. Let your mom come visit on your terms, when you are ready.

Been there, done that. What I did was call my Mom after the baby was born knowing that they couldn't get here for a day or two after I got home. Since you don't know when the baby is going to be born this might work. Telling my Mom rules upfront didn't work. She was here they day I got home. I would keep her help for when you have a young child to watch and a new baby. You can do it by yourself for a few days, but be sure to set a departure date upfront. It sure would help eliminate hurt feelings.

well......hard to say....
I have done it both ways, with mom and without.
we have a good relationship, but she's in Florida.
First baby...by myself for a week or two. questioned EVERYTHING, was absolutely exhausted, the hormones go crazy and you are upset about ANYTHING! I remember when i ran out of those premade, presterilized bottles of formula that the hospital sent me home with. The first time I had to mix formula, I literally thought that if I was even 1 teaspoon off on the measurements that I would hurt the baby.
Crazy! By the 2nd one you have it figured out...but that first baby is hard....and you'll appreciate ANY help you can get. Your mom will be able to "handle" the baby in ways you wouldn't dream of...it's good to know that you have to be gentle, but that they won't break...my mom would laugh at how slow and carefully i'd dress the baby! haha
She might be able to show you burping techniques you wouldn't think of....
She will cook and clean...things you just won't have time for...You will be surprised how many hours you will spend just looking at your child...
but the most important thing she'll do....is let you REST!!! You WILL be exhausted...no way around it...and it was so nice...to hear the baby get up at 2am, and to barely be able to get out of bed from severe sleep deprivation, and hear your mom whisper...go back to sleep...i've got it...

Hi S.,
The most important thing during the first week is bonding with your baby....if you think having your Mom around will hinder that, then I really think you should politely explain that you and your husband have decided to spend the first week as a family bonding and that you will surely call her when you need her. It is tough the first week and can be helpful to have others around but it has to jive with your personality too. Help is not help if it's stressing you out! Best of luck!

I think it depends on how far away she is. If she is within easy driving distance, by all means have her come over a few hours a day so you can have a shower and a nap. If she'd be an overnight guest, I would decline. It will be important though, in the interest of keeping the bit of good in the relationship that you have, to make it seem like your "thanks, but no thanks" has NOTHING to do with her. Perhaps you would like to spend the first week alone with your hubby (yay paternity leave!) and child to bond. Anything other than "I think you'll drive me nuts, no thanks." Good luck and congrats on your little one!

I would say "thanks, but no thanks." The first week or so with a new baby are exhausting and frustrating. If your relationship with your Mom is rocky, everything will be intesified for you because you'll be so tired. However, she won't be feeling nearly as tired and emotional as you, so she'll tell yout that you are overreacting... and then there will be fighting... and it could get really, really ugly.

And trust me, she doesn't wsant to come cook and do your laundry. She wants to love on the baby... which is what YOU need to be doing. I say keep her at an arms length. It's going to be hard, but better you get it out in the open now, before those intial post-partum days. Good luck. Remember, soon YOU will be the Mom, and YOU get to decide what is best for YOUR family! Congratulations!

This is a tough situation for sure. Given that your mom doesn't approve of your husband, or any of your other choices, it could make for a very stressful week that has enough of it's own stresses. Is your husband able to take time off work to stay home with you the first week? If your mom did come to help, does she live far and would she have to stay with you or can she just pop over with some much needed prepared food and to throw in a load of laundry for you? Do you have time between now and the baby's arrival to set some boundaries? This could be an opportunity to do some re-bonding with your mom. It might make it possible for her to see how happy you are and that hubby is a great guy. Just because you live in an apartment doesn't mean you don't call it home. It could turn her around to have some respect for your choices. I hope you can mend this. All the best to you and your upcoming birth!!

When you come home from the hospital, everyone is going to be tired. I don't think it would be fair to your husband to bring an adversary into your home with him at this time. You don't know what kind of help you are going to need, that your husband isn't going to provide. You might be okay the first week, but after that it might be harder, it depends on your healing. I would ask for her a few hours a day, meals to freeze, help with household chores, errands, etc. if your husband is not there to take over. If he is not taking time off then that can be start the first week. This is your time with your family, and it shouldn't be scarred with nay-sayers. You call the shots. Prepare as much in advance by paying the bills, stocking the freezer, etc. so it will limit how much help you actually need. Then the first week can be pure joy of falling in love with your baby and not worrying about the rest.

I'd get someone to help me, but maybe someone else. This was a horrible time for me emotionally and all I needed was tension! See if a close friend or relative will do this care for you, and have your mom visit but not stay.

Best wishes!

Hi S.,

Wow, you are in a pickle for sure. :) I am due in a few weeks and long for someone to offer to come stay with us for a week afterward to help me, too. Unfortunately, my friends all work or have children to take care of at home and my mom is elderly and unable, and my husband's parents are deceased. So thankfully my husband is taking time off from work, at least a week, to stay home and help out!

Although I know you'd love the help, do you want the stress? It might really ruin your first week with your baby to have someone that negative around, spouting off about how wrong everything is and how you should do it all. I know I wouldn't want someone like that around! I'd rather be alone than have a negative force around my newborn and family.

I haven't gone through what you are suggesting, but I know I am about to, and personally think you should politely decline her request and be honest with her if she asks why. No new mom needs that kind of stress.

Best of luck! :)

My mother and I have a strange relationship and it would have made me crazy for her to be here during that first week - but I also like to do things my way and figure things out on my own and HATE to be told what to do. So, she came after about a month when I was more comfortable and it was great. My mother in law is also very pushy, and came almost every day that first week, she was very helpful but would only stay a few hours to do laundry or a quick cuddle while I napped. That was also great! I would do what is most comfortable for you - consider having her visit but not stay if that is possible and then, if you feel you need or want her more, invite her to stay!