Seeking Advice on My Sons Behavior

Okay, first of all I think the other mother that responded was a little off base. If I understand your situation correctly.....you wrote the song, which I listened to and is very sweet, and shared it with your younger son. Now he doesn't want to listen to it anymore? Well I wwouldn't force it. I would sit down with him, for the last time, and tell him how much I love him, and how this song was done with all the love I had for my two kids, and that I was sorry if there was a misunderstanding. I would let him know how cherished he is, how smart, sensitive (insert fantastic things)and tell him that he certainly doesn't have to listen to the song if he doesn't want to. And then leave it at that. I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I don't konw your children, but sometimes they are manipulative also, trying to make you feel like somehow you made it seem like you loved the other one more, and then playing it up so that you are constantly telling him how important he is. Then your older one will be jeleous!!! Oh man, it's a toughie. But, I would just forcus on this song one more time, talk to him the last time, maybe even tell him it's the last time you want to talk about it, and then let the subject drop. Good Luck to you. L.

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I would write another song.

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Dear L., Hi, I just had to respond to your letter. I have a daughter that went through a similar situation, and it was a real hard time. May I suggest that you write a new song, and let him help. He has so much confusion and the only way to voice that, is to resist aything that might feel good or brings up memories. It is vital that he talk about this, or write about it, you sound like a person that knows the healing power of writing! If he is not accepting your song, its not because it's bad, its because it speaks true. Give him outlets and be receptive to what ever he says, I was amazed at how my daughter had viewed her uncle dying, she was determined to blame someone, and there was plenty of blame to go around as he was murdered! But there were no arrests and no one ever paid, so she had no feeling of justice. She is 21 now and he died when she was just about 8, and to this day if she hears "Runaway Train" she just cries like a baby! We as adults don't realize the depth of a child's love, and they don't understand lose. I hope for you that he will be willing to open up about what he's really feeling, let him know there is no right or wrong way to feel, just talk about it. Don't question what he feels, but you can insert bits of info that may help him to understand why he feels the way he does; remember feelings are feelings and they don't have to make sense, they just are what they are! I will be praying for your family, R.

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Hi L., first of all, thank you for your advise on the ADD: 20-hour solution. Second of all, I am sorry you had to experience some of these insensitive responses. Who knows a child better than his mother. For others to pass judgement when no one can experience your life and it's details is simply ignorance. This is suppose to be a positive forum for us women to embrace each other and benefit from others experiences.
I think your son may have some unreleased grief. I worked in a field associated with the funeral industry for 11 years and have seen a lot of unreleased grief. One mother, who's daughter had commited suicide, took 10 years to be capable of visiting her grave. And children, who are barely familiar with grief, can be overwhelmed with it. And may stuff it away inside because it is an uncomfortable feeling that is painful. But grief has to be released and it will take any sensitive momment to try and come out. And with boys, it is very likely that uncontrollable tears leave them feeling vulnerable and embarrased. Another possibility - his disturbed feelings toward the song could be a much deeper issue related to his sense of security and self-worth. Maybe it's a sign of an injured self-esteem. He may be projecting his insecurity towards you in an effort to validate your love for him and prove to himself that he is worthy of love. I like the idea another Mama offered, to right another song. One that exudes the essence of your younger son and how unconditionally loved he is for just being him (kind of like agape). Maybe a little more upbeat, though ;) My 9 year old is very sensitive, but gets very easily embarrased by it. Then he puts on a tough guy act or lashes out from the embarrasment. I tell him I understand his feelings, because so many people think "boys don't cry". But I tell him that its truly a wonderful thing, because it means that he is full of love and light and can feel things of this world on a deeper level than most boys his age...and that is a gift he should charish, because it will always make him good hearted and a good person. He now knows he can always come to me to talk or cry in private and I will always listen. And sometimes I just have to order him to come with me and go to a room or place where no one else can see or hear so he can get those feelings out. One other thing, grief has 5 common stages and anger is one of them...he could be in that stage and need help working through it. I pray for you and your boys.

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A song is a song and they affect each of us so differently. I doubt he is doing it to hurt you. I remember Puff the Magic Dragon used to make me cry at 8 as a matter of fact I still don't like the song. You shouldn't force a child to listen to anything, just the same way you may not like rap others playing it around you may cause you discomfort. If you are a songwriter, write one just for him... all about him. Don't make it more than it is, save yourself thousands in counseling bills, its not that serious.

Good luck

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First off - your post made me cry. I can't imagine having to go through that loss period - but especially for your children at such a young age.

I have no advice for you other than to love him and not push the issue. It's hard when you've put so much creativity and love into something and feel like it's not understood or appreciated. And trust me, he's going to get older and more of a boy and may even make fun of it. But when he's a man (especially when he has kids of his own) the value of what you've done for him will be imeasurable.

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If he doesn't like it, stop playing it. You've written and recorded it already. Perhaps he'll like it more when he's older.

I think that you're out of line for trying to force a kid to "share feelings" that they aren't comfortable with. An eight year old doesn't need heavy discussions on "feeling deeply and/or crying is okay". Besides, not everyone shares their feelings the same way. Especially boys.

Perhaps you are just misplacing your own grief onto your youngest. Do you talk about it a lot? Do you get depressed over your brother's death? If so, then *you* should be getting professional counseling. It sounds like you have some grieving yet to do, and you shouldn't be relying on your boys as a support network. You're the parent.

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Dear L.,
Keep writing those songs! You are very gifted if you inspire such deep feelings.
Perhaps you should write a special song for each of your sons, as an additional gift.
This reminds me of a children's book I have as well, "You're All My Favorites" which details little bears trying to figure out who is the papa's favorite. My children love it, because they all turn out to be the favorites; it lets them know they are assured a special spot in our hearts, in spite of the fact there are multiple children.
All the best to you in your parenting!
Love,
K.

Well, even though we have tried to raise our sons to be sensitive young men, they still have trouble showing their emotions, especially if they are touched and begin to cry about something.
Boys are still bombarded with the notion that if you are sensitive and cry that makes you a 'sissy'. It comes from friends, media, and a lot of times, their own fathers.
You can't force him to listen to the song, and I suspect that the more you push this issue with him, the more he is going to resist. I suggest you not make such a big deal out of it.
Tell him once that it is okay to feel deeply and maybe cry.
That's all you need to say, don't exhaust the discussion.
Boys respond to fewer words.
If your sons are anything like mine (I have 3), they are deep wells of feeling and thought. They are just trying to figure out what place that has in their worlds and when they feel comfortable enough to show it.

A couple of ideas:
- The song is triggering a strong emotional response in your son, and perhaps those strong feelings are scary for him. Allow him the opportunity to express those feelings, but if he isn't ready yet, don't push it. He is only 8 and not fully able to cognitively understand thses strong emotions.
- Allow him to express why he feels the song is for Wyatt. Perhaps he is saying this as an excuse for not listening to the song, but perhaps he actually is trying to express some other feelings of jealousy, fear, anger, and so on.
- One definition of grief is to "make the loss real." There are many opportunities you can give your boys to work through their grief. Some ideas: Create ceremonies to acknowledge/ celebrate their uncle on his birthday or perhaps the day he passed (this could include baking him a cake or visiting his gravesite); create an "uncle Dan memory book" or (since you are a musically-inclined family) create a cd of songs that remind you of him.

L.,
I am sorry about the loss of your big brother and uncle to your sons. The only thing I can think of is hang in there, be patient and be supportive. Pray for them. God does have a purpose for this, as painful as it is.
Stan W.

That has to be really hard on all of you to lose a family member....especially your brother. To talk with children about death and love can be really complicated, but I am wondering if he is not trying to work out some of your feelings. Children have a way of taking care of parents feelings when they don't know what else to do and they know their parent are hurting. Sounds like you have a really close family, but where one persons feelings end and another one begins seem to be really confusing. His not wanting to listen to your music could be his way of telling you he is done and if doesn't want to listen to it that should be okay with you...

I don't understand why it isn't OK for him not to want to listen to the song. When I was a kid my parents were big folk music fans and I loved most of it, but I never wanted to listen to Puff the Magic Dragon. It made me so sad to hear it. It made my heart hurt. All the other kids would be singing along and I would make up an excuse to leave the room. I also couldn't watch Bambi or read The Velvateen Rabbit. I am still that way. I can watch a sad movie, hear a sad song or read a sad book and enjoy it the first time, but I don't choose to watch, listen or read it again most of the time. I am one of those people who can't get the images, words feelings out of my head and I think about them and worry for a long time. I have learned over time how to deal with this, but it caused anxiety and nightmares as a kid. Maybe your son simply feels more deeply or doesn't yet know how to deal with his feelings. Or perhaps, like me the images are harder to get out of his mind.

Hello L.,
My mom told me that when I was a toddler I would ask her to shut of "sad music" on the stereo.
Certain songs would affect me so deeply and still do to this day.
Yes, I am a grown woman who still has a very hard time with some music. Yes my feelings are ok and so if a cd is making me sad, I turn it off.
I am a visual artist with a very tender heart. Maybe your child has a tender heart too.
I understand that it is something you wanted to share with him but I would not force the issue. He need not listen to it. You are a songwriter and I see that others have advised you to write another song.
To help your nearly 8 year old with his feelings of loss and sadness please consider asking him to draw his feelings. Little ones sometimes do not have the vocabulary to talk about feelings but art therapy is as simple as using a pencil and paper and letting it flow.
Also, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my brother in 2002 and still tear up when I think of him and miss him.
All the best to you and your family.
Love and Light,
C.

Hi L.. First of all what a wonderful thing you've done for your boys. Writing a song for them they can have forever and pass down to their children. I have two boys as well 12 and 4 and a half. Emotions are so hard with boys. My 12 yr old is very emotional and cries when I do. It's tough. I guess just talking about it and just telling him it's ok, and don't you feel better letting it out kind of thing would help. I wish I had better advice for you, but just letting him know it's ok i'm sure helps even if he doesn't say so.
W.

I think that the blessing in disguise here is that there is an emotional reaction that allows you to see that something is truly wrong in his little heart. Try to ask him what he feels when listening to the song. Fear is often a root emotion, maybe fear of losing someone again? Who knows, the normal emotions of sadness, despair and anger may have not been fully expressed yet. The dark emotions of the soul are scary indeed, and our culture doesn't do a good job of teaching us how to empower our little ones to truly grieve thoroughly. He may not be able to articulate it well, so good, safe 'question-asking' is key. Be prepared for any answer and try not to be offended with what he says. Keep re-assuring him that it is okay to "not be okay". Tears are the healing waters of the soul, so they are not to be feared!

I am also so sorry for your loss. I love the fact that you are a song-writer too. It is obvious that your healing journey is that much healthier since you are writing! Keep up the great work, L.! So cool to hear of someone writing a love song to their sons... WOW! Thank you for your precious mothering example in this.

DEB :)
www.FarAwayWorship.com

I am unclear about if Wyatt is the older brother, and the youngest brother thinks the song is for him, or if Wyatt is the beloved family member who was killed. Maybe you could write a song specifically for your youngest son, something just for him. If this issue is truely more about loss and grief, you might contact a hospice service in your area for suggestions about dealing with complicated grief issues. Here in Ashland we have an organization called Winter-Spring which has a wonderful program for children and grief issues.Death and the resulting feelings of loss can be very frightening for children. The world suddenly becomes unstable, your song might remind your son that if his uncle can be taken then you can also be taken from him suddenly. Maybe you already do this, but bring your brother back into your family...remember stories around the dinner table, get out the family photo album, share with your children stories from your own childhood with your brother, helping to teach your sons that our loved ones live on in our hearts and minds. L. Hansen

I wouldn't make an issue of it; let him express himself how he is most comfortable. He knows you are there for him.

It does sound like your son has strong emotions that he is afraid to show you. Talk with him when the CD isn't playing. Talk to him about how much songs can mean to someone when they let themselves "feel" the music. It's okay if he doesn't want it played in public (living areas of the house) places but let him know he can listen to it in his room whenever he wants. Give it time... if he knows you are there to listen to him you can help him start to open up about his uncle's death as well... time heals LOTS of wounds... be patient and keep writing your music!

It sounds like your son is grieving. The song may really bring up some feelings that maybe to overwhelming for him. At that age, kids are not always able to verbalize their feelings but they still have them.
Wondering if some grief counseling would help? I don't know where you live but in Portland, Oregon there ia a place called "Dougy center". It provides assistance to parents and kids that are grieving.
I'd love to hear your song..