E.N. asks from Los Angeles, CA on January 17, 2010
Seeking Advice on My 16 Year Old.
My daughter is a moderately average girl attending a strict school. I received a phone call from her school saying that she has chances of getting suspended or even expelled. I confronted her about the situation and she is being suspected of lying to her teachers. I was shocked when I heard this and I am baffled that the school would go to as far as suspension or even expelling her. It has concluded that I lie and she is safe or that I tell the truth and she is to suffer the aftermath. I want what's best for my daughter but if it means lying to the authorities at school, is it worth it? Help please.
1 mom found this helpful
So What Happened?™
It was a hard decision but thanks to all those who have responded. It was something in which I thought was serious, the lie in which I was referring to was that my daughter told her teachers that her mother "passed away" and that I am her aunt, so that the teachers would go easy on her (my daughter admitted her fault after a long negotiation with her). I was not impressed and very disappointed by my daughter when I found out from her and her teachers in a meeting set up by the authorities at her school. She is to be suspended but it will be an in school suspension. And might I add again: thank you all who have responded to my post and I am sorry if the question was not detailed nor clear enough.
More Answers
J.F. answers from San Diego on January 18, 2010
You have not given enough information about the situation for people to even comment about it. It is obviously something serious enough for the school to be concerned and for you to be too embarrassed to put into your post. But I have serious concerns that you would consider to model behaviors that are inappropriate like lying. That shocks me, when it appears that the problem with the school stems from LYING. One of the hardest lessons in life is know that there is a consequence for your actions. You teach her now that there is a way around, you will start a chain reaction that will last her lifetime. Think hard about this. Your decision to lie for her is NOT good.
Your next step after she "suffers the aftermath" is for you to look at your daughter and decide WHY she made such poor choices. Was it your parenting OR is there something she needs help with? Often bad behavior is a way of looking for attention. She may need extra TLC right now and you need to figure out what she needs.
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D.H. answers from Los Angeles on January 18, 2010
Okay first of all you need to hear from the school exactly what she is lying about or being accused of doing. Lying is a bit much for suspension or expulsion. If this is a strict school then they need to be forth coming with all the information. You daughter may not be the one to go to about why she may be being suspended. You need to work out the problem with the school after you know all of the facts. Also, you need to figure out with her what they lying is all about. It's never good for a parent to go ahead a lie to let the child get out of his or her punishment. You just need to get to the bottom of the "real" issue and try to avoid the suspension. Lying is never the conclusion whether for her or you.
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S.F. answers from Reno on January 18, 2010
I've worked at both private and public high schools and I can tell you that suspension and expulsion are not taken lightly. Rarely are they given for first offenses, unless the infraction was serious (e.g. drugs, alcohol or weapons). You declined to state what your daughter had lied about, but since you mention the authorities, I suspect drugs or alcohol.
Is this the first time you heard from the school? It shouldn't be. If your daughter is a chronic liar and has moved through progressive discipline to suspension, you should have been notified all along the way. I would advise a serious "chat" with the school to find out what's going on, at least from their side. If your daughter is accused of lying (and proof given), what makes you think she isn't lying to you?
Once you've heard the school's story and your daughter's, you can decide the correct course of action. My personal belief is that if you lie for your daughter to "protect" her, what you teach her is that mommy will always bail her out, consequences are irrelevant and that it's ok to lie. None of these are good lessons for any child. But, only you can decide.
Private schools are always reluctant to let students go. It's a serious loss of income for them. The cost of keeping your daughter in terms of maintaining discipline or to the school's reputation has got to be huge for them to be considering it.
Good luck. I think you're going to need it.
2 moms found this helpful
D.D. answers from Los Angeles on January 18, 2010
I would lie for my daughter..my mom did it for me..i turned out fine..better than fine..have had 2 record deals ...and music in film and television..teenagers screw up...just deal with her at home..give her a punishment but don't let her get expelled from school.
1 mom found this helpful
D.C. answers from San Diego on January 18, 2010
It is not the consequences you have to worry about in this case, it is the message you will be sending to your daughter. Is it ok to lie to someone to get out of trouble or to get your way in something? Also, should she respect her authority at school, or should it be always questioned? What are the values you want her to be learning? Obviously, since you are asking the question, telling the truth is not a strong value in your home. (unless I misunderstood and you are shocked because she didn't really lie). Either way, the school's rules do not need to be the same as your own. If she is in trouble at school and suspended, you can let her know how you feel about it at home. If you feel she was unjustly punished, you could lighten her punishment at home or not punish her at all. You have her in this particular school, so you need to choose whether to keep her there or to move her elsewhere. If you keep her there, both of you should follow (and honor) the rules or suffer whatever consequences they give to her. If she really is expelled for lying, and you think that extreme, you could move her somewhere that has similar values/consequences to your family.
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J.L. answers from San Diego on January 17, 2010
I'm very confused. What would you lie about? And what example would you be setting by lying for/about your daughter? Lie about lying? That the school want to expel her and you are baffled suggests a disconnect between two realities. I am wondering what her take on all of this is. I'm wondering how you can support her without enabling behavior that if continued can lead to unwanted consequences and I don't mean being suspended. What keeps going through my mind is your next course of action is an opportunity to teach, not save. If could add clarification to your post, that would be helpful.
Best,
J.
1 mom found this helpful
A.M. answers from Santa Barbara on January 18, 2010
No it is not worth it, lying. Your daughter has made choices that are less than ideal and there are consequences for them. Let her learn from her mistakes, failure and poor choices are just as important lessons in life than success. Dont do her a disservice and cover for her, you are only hurting her in the end. Parenting is heart wrenching at times. I wish you peace with this.
1 mom found this helpful
J.S. answers from Los Angeles on January 17, 2010
OK there's a couple of parts to this question. First of all, no don't lie. it sends her the message that there are times that it is ok to lie... More importantly, what is she lying about? Is it something trivial like I put my assignment in the in box when in fact she didn't? Something like that does not warrant an expulsion. I get that they are a strict school.. how about an in house suspension? The private schools that I attended and worked at did this instead... that way the child wasn't at home playing video games or watching movies or sleeping... it became a real punishment.
Is she lying about something serious?? Is she trying to protect someone? Is she scared of her teachers because of something that has happened?
You might already know that answer to this one, but it bears scheduling a meeting with the authorities at the school with your daughter present to get to the bottom of everything.
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