Seeking Advice on Live in Boyfriend and What His Role Should Be with Children...

Hi J.,
My suggestion is for the two of you to talk at lenght about roles and expectations. Since he does not have children of his own, it may be that he does not know what to do or how to help. He may not know what "more helpful and supportive" is. When I had this discussion with my fiancee in the beginning, I learned that he had some confusion and questions about his role and what to do in certain cases, how to help. Try to understand that it is different for them than it is for us - we started out with them as newborns, are mothers 24x7 and have learned a lot along the way. They don't have that learning under their belts. Be patient, clear and keep the lines of communication open. Hope this helps.

wow, well, you could look at it 2 ways. He moved in knowing you have children, so therefore, I cant imagine him not wanting to help you out.. However, you have only known this man a very short time from what you say and you are 1.) trusting him during this honeymoon stage with your children and 2.) having your children trust someone they dont know either. How do you expect him to treat them as "his own" when he barely knows them? I know this doesnt help much but you have to look at this from his/childrens views of the situation. He is correct about them needing their mom..I think you are asking too much of this young guy and your children. Good Luck

I have to say that what you are trying to do is really hard, and in my experience damn near impossible.

I have been married for almost 2 years, and with my husband for almost 4. I have two daughters from a previous marriage, and they are 5 and 7.

My kids are very fond of my husband and try very hard to get his attention, he is not younger than me, and not 21! but he is not their Dad, and he is not very good at paying attention to the girls, he's getting better, but mind you he is their step father, not just my boyfriend, and he has been WATCHING AND LEARNING for 2 years!

I haven't ever really had a "talk" with him to tell him his place, or told him what role he is supposed to play, and I very rarely ask him to take care of my girls. so maybe I am to blame, but he is learning on his own. So in my opinion it works just fine this way.

However the "job description" for a step dad is very different that that of a live in boyfriend of barely 6 months. I would honestly be suprised if your kids could even feel comfortable enough with this guy to want his help with their homework, and if they are, I might even be a little concerned that they are too trusting,(just like their mother) and not to be too crass, but you have been hurt in the past, obviously, so maybe you should be a bit more careful, especially when involving you kids.

I most adamantly feel that you are expecting too much of your new man, he is 21, and way too young to be a father of a 9 year old and 6 year old, think about how old he would have been when they were born!!!! 12??????????????????????????????
15??????????????????????????????

there is a reason he is feeling this way, and saying these things, you guys aren't ready for all this, and neither are your kids.

so my advice is to back the hell up, and take things more slowly.

I know you are thinking that you have already moved him in, and how do you back up now, but you had better do it before your kids get so attatched that they are heartbroken to see him go.

Well you alreay have an opinon from the other side of the fence but let me share, maybe it will help. I have 3 children, 2 of whom live with me, and my fiance has a daughter, who lives with us. but i am a work at home mom, so i find a lot of the time i am the one caring for his daughter. he works 8-5 daily, and the kids are in bed by 8 at night, so most if not all of the care, ecspecially over the summer was on me. Truth be told, there are times i resent the hell out of it. she has behavioral problems and is in therapy and though they have been here 2 years now and things are getting easier in the begining i really hated it. it was fine when she was good, but the minute she gave me trouble or threw a tantrum it was like what the hell where is he why am i doing this she isn't my kid. and i love her to death, i claim her as my own, her mom is very uninvolved and i do it all, but there have been those moments, and they were most frequent in the begining. the good news he will adjust and so will the kids, the key is to find a happy medium that creates a role for him in your child's life and yet gives him the freedom to not feel trapped by them. around here i get the kids and start getting them ready, my SO is already up and getting ready for work and doing his chore list, yup i made a list of little things he can do before he goes to work, he comes up and helps finish up with the kids, they are 8, 6, 6, and 4 so we are still pretty hands on. he then fixes breakfast while i get ready, and he takes the kdis to school. after school i get them from the bus stop, do homeowrk with them, go over school papers and all that, dinner is ready when he gets home, we spend some family time together and we help all the kids shower, or at least the girls who need their hair dried, and some nights he'll do my daughters hair while i do his daughters it just depends and we each then read with our own. it doens't matter what your routine is but the point is we have clearly defined roles when it comes to each others children. and niether of us hesitate if a child is difficult to call on their parent and say hey you deal with it. my mother swears that is a terrible thing but it keeps the peace between us and keeps either of us from resenting the others children. now as for your morning, he was a little out of line but it sounds more like he thought you got him up to pawn your son off on him than it having been just an accident. try explaining to him that you really appreciate all he does do and you understand that they aren't his responsibility, because even if you get married they really still aren't, but you have always felt like you could count on him when something out of the ordinary came up and you weren't trying to take advantage of him. tell him what you told us that you think he's a great role moddle for the kdis and you want them to view him as one and to have him in their lives and if he brings up things that bug him, let him talk and be resonable. it's really ahrd, i can't tell you how many fights we have had here because one of us disagrees with how the others child is acting. but he's a 21 year old guy, he's a boy, i'm 26 and feel like i'm crazy to even be doing this stuff and they are MY kids, he's overwhelmed and clueless. talk to each other, work it out, you can't make him a daddy to children that already have a daddy and are that old overnight, or even in a few months. they say it takes 7 years for a blended family to adjust, i think that is a bit crazy since my kids are so young but that's what they say. good luck.

Dear J.,
Most of what I would say has already been stated, i.e. I think its very short sighted to introduce a man into your living situation after so short a time, especially with a young daughter, etc...

But I would add, and this isn't to be judgmental, that sometimes we get so stressed out as moms that we reach for any kind of help or short cut available. There are times we've all had to step back and decide whether or not the time saved or stress reduced was worth it. I'm sure we're all aware of a woman who's time saving strategy was to let her two year old wait in the car while she picked her other child up from pre-school or bought a box of donuts. Of course, asking your boyfriend to help with your child's homework isn't nearly as negligent. In fact, I hesitate to even draw the comparison. But what kind of message does this send to your kids? You can't expect a man who's only been recently introduced to your childrens' lives to make their homework more of a priority than you do at any given moment. He may help, but it should be at his discretion, and more importantly, at your son's and daughter's.
Sincerely,
J.

Fist of all, he's only 21, way too young in my opinion for the kind of responsibility you're trying to "bestow" upon him, (There's a reason why he doesn't have children of his own, yet). Second of all, your relationship is way too fresh for him to start playing "daddy". right now you guys should still be in the "in-love-and-dating" stage of your relationship, it's way too soon to be playing house. Have you guys even discussed marriage yet, or any long-term goals together? Have the 2 of you even taken a couples(just the 2 of you), vacation together yet? Do you set aside "alone time" for the 2 of you to see where your relationship is going? Do you even have a joint bank account yet? Are you on his insurance, or vice-versa? It's way too soon for him to be playing daddy, I think this is going to scare him away. This is not a good situation for your children, nor him to be put in.

Okay, first off - I agree with you. Don't continue a relationship with someone - NO MATTER HOW HAPPY - if he isn't stepping up, but then again, you also stated that he is 21. I am 23 years old and working on my 3rd child. My husband is 25 - and I love him with all of my heart but sometimes I have to nudge him. You are asking a man who is supposed to be in the "partying stage" of his life to step up and play role of Daddy. Okay if it is going to work out between you two and marriage could possibly be seen between the both of you, but not okay if you don't see it going any further than him just being your boyfriend.
Instead of "attacking him" which is probably what he is feeling - tell him that there is a serious talk that needs to be addressed and you would rather take the time when the kids are in bed sleeping and talk then. At least you know if voices get raised, the kids will not hear that part of the conversation is about them. Ask him where he sees you two going - talk to him about where you want you two to go - communication is what makes a relationship. My husband and I have our share of problems, but we have talked every one of them through.

J. - Have you considered taking a blended-families/step-families class? My boyfriend and I do not yet live together, but we are registered for the class below (Active Parenting for Stepfamilies) at Columbus Children's Hospital and it might be helpful to both of us as we work to define our roles in our family. The downside is that child care is not provided for this class, so you'd need to have someone to watch your children, but I hope you will consider something like this. Although my boyfriend is 34, he has never had children prior to meeting mine, so this class was actually his idea! Good luck to you with your family! Here is a link to the class:
http://www.columbuschildrens.com/gd/applications/controll...

Ok J. this is a situation. First you cant expect him to act like a father figure. Their not his kids. Alot of guys wouldnt even go with a female with children let alone live with. You two havent been together that long. Its ok for him to help out a little but you dont want him to feel like he needs to take care of your kids. You have to remember he is 21 years old and wasnt getting into a relationship to be a father. Well good luck and i hope everything works out for you.

Honestly I do not think that you are asking too much. He knew before your relationship got serious that you had two kids. Personally, I think that if a person is going to date someone, they need to understand that they come with baggage, some emotional and some kids. I can't understand why someone would be with a person who has kids if they were not willing to step up and really help out. Good luck.

I think he is young - but I wouldn't say "too young" to be a father figure...if he is up for it. What is his situation? Does he work, does he pay his share of the household expenses or are you supporting him? You haven't really known him very long and you're sort of expecting him to be your children's father figure already might be a little much for him, however if he is wanting to be a part of your family permanently you need to discuss his role. It's not fair to your children to have this guy in their life if he's not going to stay. He's right, you are their parent, but if he's going to be part of the family he needs to fulfill the role - you are a package deal, if he doesn't want the responsibility that comes with dating a woman with two kids, he should get sooner rather than later.

Hi J.!

I must start by saying that (in some cases, not all!!!) men and raising children doesn't come easily! My boyfriend was a complete IDIOT when our son was an infant, and now that he's older, 18 months, it got better, but he still has no clue.

In my opinion, I think that you are expecting too much. It takes a lot of pushing, prodding, and nudging to get my 26 year old boyfriend to do things with our son, and he's the biological father! I could not imagine what he would do with children that were not his. Have you talked about it with him; how he feels about all of sudden becoming a father figure in 6 months to two children at the age of 21, how he feels about committment, marriage, etc, how has he felt the past few months about living there?

It sounds like he does a lot already; after school care, morning help. Maybe he was upset because he was going to get a few moments alone with you, and it got interrupted with your son's homework? Maybe he feels taken advantage of? Maybe he didn't know how to help your son with his reading? I am certain my boyfriend has an undiagnosed learning diasablity; he can read, and read aloud, but reads SO SLOWLY and stumbles a little. I am 100% sure he would not be able to help my son learn to read and would not know how.

And I'm not saying that he wouldn't make a great father or a great husband. He sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders. I just think it's a bit much to ask a 21 year old man, whom you've been dating for just 6 months, to be the father role model to your children from a previous relationship. I think it might be time for a little heart to heart. The fact he made the comment about "kids needing their mom and not their mom's boyfriend" says he's got a lot on his mind and has some bottled up feelings.

Good luck!

I think you are asking way too much. He is young, very young, and while some guys are more mature than others at this age, most are not. I think you seriously need to think about things....is this someone you want to be with the rest of your life, and does he want to be with you the rest of his life? I know you are living together, but it's only been a few months, certainly not enough time to be a father to your kids. If I were you, I'd date him, not live with him, but that is just my opinion. He is right, they are your kids, not his. Although he moved in with you, did you two talk about the role he would play in their lives?? I think the fact that he even gets the kids ready in the morning is asking a lot. if the two of you had been together in terms of years, then I would say that is a different story, but the fact that it has been months, you really should be getting to know each other, not expecting him, and your kids, to look at him like a father.

Really can't blame the boyfriend for being kind of upset. He was going to get some alone time with his live in girlfriend, and then once again, a child get's put before him. You should apologize to him for forgetting about the reading and that it would not happen again.

It sounds like your boyfriend is involving himself with the children, and you should be very grateful for this. But, he is still young, and he does need his time with you also.

To be honest, yes you are asking too much. He is not the biological father, and he is trying. I wouldn't push.

Hope I helped. Take Care!

He's right. He is too young to handle kids of this age and they need you, not him. I hate to be blunt but most relationship problem in the start end up being the final reason for a break-up. You may go back and forth about this for quite some time before you realize that he's just not ready for these kids. Your kids aren't going anywhere so maybe he should.

PS (edit) I'm really glad you explained it more in depth. I wish you the best : )

ask yourself this question- how would you feel about him disciplining your child without checking it with you, if you have no problems with that then fine but if you do then that's even better. you have only been dating him for 5ish months, it's not really fair for you to expect your new boyfriend to be "daddy" after 5 months, that's kinda asking alot, he moved in with you and as you said helps you get things ready in the morning and after school, etc... i say he's doing enough and for you to expect/demand more is silly at this point in your relationship. you need to remember this is all new for him, he is not the father, he is mommy's boyfriend and you asked him if he wanted to sit and have coffee in the morning and he did and all was fine until you realized you had forgotten to help finish homework, all in all all of the responsibilities having to do with your child are yours, not his

hey J.

most men are not that hands on with there own kids, my husband is very hands on with our lil one and there r a few out there that r the same, and that fact that he is young does help much and i dont see your bf being independent at all idk if he works goes to school what seems likeu taking care of him and you let him watch your kids to sum it it seem like you have to set up time for your kids and your man and since your all living togather they lines r gray just cause u feel like your togather all the time ur not spending quailty time with your kids yourself and your man but remeber kids come first and fine someone who respect that sit down talk bout it and make your move

You said the key word J., "he is Young"! my son is 21yrs old and they are still sooooo immature at this age.You may want to give it some time but, he is young