18 answers

Seeking Advice on How to Reconnect a Friendship

I am new to this site, a great friend of mine suggested I sign up and check out the site. I love what I see so far! So now I want to ask all of you Mommas on here for some advice. I have asked people that know all the ins and outs of my situation but would love some third party advice.

Here is my situation. I had a really close friend (key word "had") that I would love to get back in touch with but it has been almost 6 years since we have last talked. This long time friendship ended on pretty bad terms and I am the one that ended the friendship, but as time has passed I have come to realize that maybe I should have talked the problems I was having with her out instead of listening to other people and just ending the friendship. I had heard a year or so after our friendship ended that she is positive that I hate her but that I have no right to hate her. I know that I can find a way to get in touch with her but I am not quite sure how to go about this. If you were her in this situation would you rather get an email, a letter in the mail, a phone call, an email asking to meet somewhere or would you just not want to hear from me?

Thanks in advance for your input!

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

I wanted to Thank everyone for the quick responses! I was greatful for all the advice, it really helped me out alot!! I wanted to let you know that I found her address couldn't find a phone number for her though and so I sent her an apology letter and gave her my contact information and she just called me this morning and we are meeting up for coffee on Saturday so we can talk!! Thanks again!!

Featured Answers

My husband recently received a call from a friend who had cut off the friendship long time ago, as well. He was glad to be in touch with him again and could tell by his voice that he was sincere. A phone call would be great - and start right out with the subject before you go into small talk. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

I would just give her a call. If you two were close than I would think both of you would be willing to forgive, forget and get on with being friends. As mommas we all know how hard it can be to find a good friend. Don't distance the ones you do have. Just remember, the next time you two get in a tiff, talk it out with eachother and no one else. Who has time to go through other people anyway.

Good luck reconnecting!

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Hi, R. -
I do have specific experience with this one. I recently mended a friendship that was broken for over 20 years. I sent a card through the mail that just said "I think of you often and hope you are well, and I'd love to hear from you". I gave her my e-mail address because for me, writing is less awkward than speaking over the phone in difficult situations. I got a positive response from her almost immediately. That opened the door, and things moved forward from there. I am so glad I reached out, and wish I had done it years earlier. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful

I would just give her a call. If you two were close than I would think both of you would be willing to forgive, forget and get on with being friends. As mommas we all know how hard it can be to find a good friend. Don't distance the ones you do have. Just remember, the next time you two get in a tiff, talk it out with eachother and no one else. Who has time to go through other people anyway.

Good luck reconnecting!

2 moms found this helpful

My husband recently received a call from a friend who had cut off the friendship long time ago, as well. He was glad to be in touch with him again and could tell by his voice that he was sincere. A phone call would be great - and start right out with the subject before you go into small talk. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Hi R.,
I am the same age and these old reconnections are coming out of the wood work for me! LOL
So from recent experiences:
I would email.* Make it simple & no pressure. Maybe say something that shows you just want to reconnect and you want to talk. Leaving options that are open seems the lesser of pressure. I had someone IM and I HAD to talk to them right then.lol I did not like the pressure but was glad I did.
(*confirmed source for email or leaving the message on MySpace or Facebook etc.

2 moms found this helpful

I think an email or letter would be a good start, so she would have time to digest the contents on her terms. Of course include a way to get a hold of you, or suggest a follow up meeting place. Depending on what happened a cold-call might be initially too surprising. If you know you are at fault, I would make that clear in the letter and apologize, but don't go overboard either.

This is tough stuff and kudos to you for trying to mend this. Even if it does not work out, at least you know you tried and it can stop eating at you.

All the best of luck!
D.

2 moms found this helpful

My personal take is a hand written letter. A lot more personal than email, but it isn't as bold as the phone call. I've found that when I need to say something, if I do it with a letter I know I can express myself clearly and not get tounge tied like I would with a phone call, also it gives her time to digest what you say and respond when she is ready. Apologize for what happened and express your desire to re-connect.

2 moms found this helpful

I have had to make some amends with my family and friends for poor choices in the past. I agree with most of the women in saying that writing in some form will probably be the easiest for her to process. I would end the letter with a request to meet face to face if she would be willing. For me, the most important thing was to focus on the apology part and to tell my friends that they didn't deserve to be treated that way rather than to give reasons or make excuses as to why I did what I did. Just saying "I'm sorry" goes a very long way. God bless you.

2 moms found this helpful

R.-
I was once in a similar situation where my best friend from college (we were maid of honor at each othrs wedding) had a falling out. While 6 years had not past it was still several years. She took the time to hire someone to find me and sent a letter to my address. I had moved but luckily my mail was forwarded and received her card and letter. It came at just the right time as I had just seperated from my husband and had just moved into my own apartment with my son. The minute I saw the name on the envelope I tore it open and through tears read her note. I can tell you then that the fight no longer mattered. What mattered was that I had MISSED her terribly and I was so thankful that she had paid money to find me and send me that letter. I immediately grabbed my phone and called her grateful she had left her phone number in the letter.
We live in different states and rarely get to see each other but we made plans for me to fly out and visit her within a few weeks and it was the best thing ever. We are no longer best friends like we were...distance being the main reason, however we are friends again.
I think no matter which way you chose to go about getting in contact with your former friend I wish you nothing but the best and I hope it all turns out for the best. If she is any kind of woman, she would hopefully recognize the attempt to make ammends and respond in turn. I hope you are able to get your friendship back on tract. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with Kristin R..... leave the ball in her court, so to speak.

I am on the other end of your situation, I think a gesture of "I'm sorry... I want to talk things out" is so BIG of you and if I heard that from my "old" friend.... I would at least give that friendship a second chance.

I wish the best for you and your friend and I hope your friendship can be restored.

1 mom found this helpful

If I were her, I'd want a phone call saying exactly what you've said, that you wish you'd handled it differently, and would like to get together (coffee, whatever) to talk and see if you can mend your friendship. If she doesn't, then I'd let her know you understand and sincerely wish the best for her.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi R.,
I'm a big believer in making amends- especially if we feel there are loose ends that we created. I think you might want to go into a possible reconciliation with realistic expectations that you can only control your words, actions and heart. She may harbor resentment and may still be hurt or angry- that's ok. If it were me, I would love a brief phone call (so I could hear the other person's voice) and to be asked to then meet somewhere to talk and reconnect. Email is chock full of misinterpretations, etc... and whatever you do, don't reconnect on Facebook. That is way too public for something like this :-)

Just go with your heart. I once heard that unforgiveness or resentments are like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to get sick. Do all you can to reconnect and share your heart and then let her take whatever time she needs to either accept it or not. Either way, you did your best. Good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

I would probably go for the email. It would give her the chance to respond, or not, whichever way she chooses. I find that I always welcome contact from old friends, even if things were not great between us when we last talked. We have usually forgiven/forgotten, but just to be sure an apology would be in order. Be sure to include your phone number and an invite to meet, too. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

First, I want to tell you that I think it is very courageous to be willing to put yourself in a vulnerable situation by admitting your mistake and requesting a renewal of the friendship. I just wanted to acknowledge that it is one thing to know you "messed up" and wished it was different, and quite another to be willing to actually DO something about it. So, yea for you! No matter what your friend chooses to do when you contact her, you have taken a great, bold, courageous step for yourself.

I personally think it matters little how you choose to contact her. The main thing is that you do. Sometimes, we stumble around in our attempts to do things perfect, when doing it is the most important thing. We can clean it up as we go through it. No matter how you choose to contact her, there will be some awkwardness at first, some hesitation, some level of self protection. Yet, as you are willing to be honest and authentic with her, the trust between you will grow, and you will be able to get to the place you want. It may take time, and likely will not happen instantly. I encourage you to allow you both to have time to process whatever feelings come up and give each other lots of compassion. Trust in the relationship that you had before and believe in it's power to heal the current divide.

I can say this both from a professional standpoint as a certified life coach, and from personal experience as I not long ago healed a very close friendship of 25 years that was estranged for several years. I can tell you that I am so grateful that we were able to heal our differences, forgive, and reconnect. Our friendship is actually stronger and closer now, which I never thought was possible when the unthinkable rift came between us.

I wish you all the best in your courageous pursuit!

1 mom found this helpful

After 6 years of no contact, I would think that you both are past whatever caused a rift in the first place. If you're still worried about getting a negative reaction from her, then maybe try writing her an email or if you can't get her email address, then try snail mailing her a letter. You could also try looking her up on a social networking site like facebook.com and see if she responds to a friend request. These would be the least aggressive ways to contact her. If you're brave and think the friendship could be easily rekindled, then just call her. Since you're the one that ended the friendship, then you should be the one to break the silence. Also, I don't know the specifics of the situation, but if it ended as badly as it sounds, then maybe an apology would be in order as well. I hope this helps! Best of luck! :)

1 mom found this helpful

Hello R.,
first let me say that any advice would depend totally on what exactly happened between the two of you. Lots of time has passed and you did state that it eneded in pretty bad terms. What's to say that those things would not come in to play eventually, or resentment?

I had to let a very good friend go because I did not agree with a choice she made and she asked that I not tell anyone (I was close to her sister too). She was married and had a son and I did not want any part of it. I've missed her dearly but do not care to have someone in my life that would do something out of being selfish and not think about people she could affect so much. I try to have people in my life that worth having.

Anyway, not sure what happened in your situation so just think of why you ended it and if it was a good choice then, it probably still is today.

M.

1 mom found this helpful

I say the written word is more powerful, a phone call...she might be in the middle of something and she might not be ready to talk. I don't recommend mailing a letter, although it is the most heartfelt. If you MAIL her a letter, what are the chances she will MAIL one back to you? I would send her an email, and the reason why is that she can read it, sit on it for awhile...and then just hit reply. That makes it easier for her. Make sure her email address is current though.

If she doesn't reply, start sending her birthday cards, christmas cards etc and maybe she will get the hint that you want to rekindle.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi R.-
I agree with some of the advice but disagree with other parts. I would email/ send a letter saying exactly what you said but in the letter tell her you will call her. Then follow up with a phone call. I think leaving the ball in her court is the wrong thing to do. Her life is busy as is all of our lives. Show her that you are serious about the apology and the desire to reconnect your lives.

1 mom found this helpful

I'd prefer a letter, or an email. (Who doesn't like getting REAL mail in the mailbox??) Apologize and invite/leave it open to being in touch again.

With a letter/email, you give her time to read it, get over the shock of hearing from you, and think about her reaction and what she wants, then she can respond. Also, you too have time to think about how you are saying and can re-read what you wrote to make sure it comes out the way you want to say it. So it's good on both ends.

I am glad you want to get in touch with her again and I hope (and think) it will go well!

Required Fields

Our records show that we already have a Mamapedia or Mamasource account created for you under the email address you entered.

Please enter your Mamapedia or Mamasource password to continue signing in.

Required Fields

, you’re almost done...

Since this is the first time you are logging in to Mamapedia with Facebook Connect, please provide the following information so you can participate in the Mamapedia community.

As a member, you’ll receive optional email newsletters and community updates sent to you from Mamapedia, and your email address will never be shared with third parties.

By clicking "Continue to Mamapedia", I agree to the Mamapedia Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.