Seeking Advice on How to Get My Daughter Going on College Search

Perhaps a new approach to a conversation with your daughter might give you some more insight...

Find out what she enjoys so much about her job and see if you can apply what she's good at to future career options. (if she really enjoys retail perhaps a business degree allowing her to open her own company or be a manager, or if she likes making food perhaps she could become a chef). Find out what she'd like to do after her senior year of school. Maybe she is overwhelmed by all of the choices out there and doesn't know what she wants to do yet. It is very difficult to find a college when you aren't sure what you'd like to do yet.

Another possibility is get her friends and their moms together for a career day. Do something fun as mothers and daughters that helps them all realize some of the possibilities that are out there waiting for them. Also any careers your daughter may be interested in may be able to have her come in and see what they do for a day (often high schools encourage this too!). If she wants to be a nurse see if she can follow a nurse for a day... a teacher, maybe she could go to a different school and assist a teacher for the day.

I found out the hard way that college isn't the best for everyone. I went to college and loved every minute of it, but in the process I accumulated a ton of debt. I came out with 5 degrees, but now I am a stay at home mom opening a business that has nothing to do with any of the 5 degrees I earned. Now I am trying to pay back all of my school loans. I didn't go to an extravagant school, and I worked very hard. Often working 2 jobs and an average of 60 to 80 hours a week just to pay for my living expenses and some of my tuition. Even with all of that hard work I came out with almost $70,000 in school loans. Meanwhile, my brother went with the air force followed by vocational school to be an electrician. As an electrician he earns more than my husband who did many years of university to be an Electrical Engineer.

While I have a huge debt to repay, I am glad that I grew and matured at the college of my choice. It set the course for me to follow in life skills which was extremely important. i just wish it hadn't been so expensive to be in that incredible environment.

Where you go to college you often grow and mature. Your ideas become more concrete and you start to realize just how big the world really is.

Rushing into the decision can cause a lot of regrets later in life.

Perhaps looking at a specific school should come later on. Help her realize her dreams, what she wants to do with her life, what she enjoys and what she is good at. Find fun online personality and career tests that will show her more about who she is and what she is good at. Many places also show you what jobs you'd do well at.

Maybe have a time set aside once every other week to go out and do things that specifically focus on career options.

Perhaps a vocational school would be a better route for her to take, or maybe you might both decide for her to try a community college for a year to give her some more time to think about her future while knocking out some of the general education courses that all colleges require.

There are so many incredible options out there, and sometimes it can be very difficult to know what you want to do with the next 60 to 70 years of your life when you are just 17 years old :).

With your ex husband, maybe he could take her on some career outings. Getting everyone involved and encouraging her on what's out there could help her see how much support she has which could make these large decisions a lot easier for her.

Hope it goes well!

Hi J.!

I run a college business that is geared toward doing exactly what you have requested: helping teens get focused and learn about their options as learners. A word of encouragement: its not you. Teens often don't want to involve parents in this process because it feels too overwhelming:-) I can help if yu would like to discuss please email me at: ____@____.com

You can also visit our website: www.teacherscollective.com

I would advise just sitting and talking with her for now. Maybe she's just unsure what she wants to do with her life and that's why she's so hesitant about signing up for any college classes. It could also be that she knows what she wants to do and just isn't sure where to begin looking for continuing her education. Sit and talk with her to see where she is with this and it may better help you both! Good luck!

Hi J.,

If your husband isn't taking the initiative to set up a meeting to discuss your daughter's options, why don't YOU set one up with him & your daughter? After the initial meeting, you should insist that your daughter set up some time to meet with her guidance counselor to discuss next steps. If she's so disinterested in college, have you considered sending her to Community College until she's ready to make the commitment required to be a successful college student?

Good luck,
R.

How about cheicking into college for yoursefl? maybe if you are trying to doit she will wake up to it. Besides withtwo in college in your family your financial package will goup and expected family contribution goes down per person YAY!! well this is about all i can add to what is already here. Good luck!!

Ok J. here is my thoughts..
At the high school there usually is college fairs, you should find out from her guidance counselor when these are being held..Also you could meet with her guidance counselor and you and your husband /this would be a good start..
They have probably met with your daughter by now and know what road she wants to take after high school..I have been down this road recently...My 18yr just graduated from high school this past June.
We left some decisions up to him thinking that he could handle it, since he was a senior
That was the wrong decision for us, we should have decided which colleges to visit and should have started by making weekend plans to visit the handfull of colleges that the list was narrowed down to...

So we put him in a local community college..its close and after 2yrs, we feel he will have a better hold on the situation and know exactly what he wants..He was not a happy camper at first and i heard about it all summer but i felt that he was too immature to handle anything else since he was dragging his feet to get the applications let alone the essays written
I have to say the split between the two of you has to be hard on her, i as a parent started looking myself at all the different colleges in his field of work that he wanted to do, you just need to do your homework mom and everything will work out

good luck to you

Maybe she's just not ready to think about going to college. It might be better to have that conversation rather than pushing her to apply. She might not want to head off to college right away after high school. My daughter decided that she wanted to work for 1 year in her chosed profession before she went off to school to be sure that's really what she wanted to train in. I feel like there are advantages to letting kids take a year off from school before they head off to college. Maybe she'd rather join the military? I know this is a scary time to be thinking along those lines but some kids really want to join.

Since she likes the internet, sit with her and check out www.collegeboard.com
There is a parent section for you and a student section for her. She needs to sign up for an account in the student section and tell her she can search for anything that interests her (computers? business? fashion? cooking? sports?) and it will match colleges to her interest. She can start her own saved list and it will help you both organize what must be done before applying--which happens very soon! Many students think they can wait until graduation is close to think about college, but some are already accepting application in October and many are due before second semester even begins!!!

If you'll need financial aid, you and her father will also have to fill out the FASFA form, which you can access from the site to get her loans. As a former high school teacher, we started our Freshmen on the site, so by their senior year they had an idea of where they would want to apply. It takes time to apply, too. So the faster she gets an idea, the better. Community college is also an option. It is a cheaper alternative for someone who is working part-time and not sure what they want to do. The bad side? They may never transfer to a four-year school.

My thought is that college sounds very scary and overwhelming for a 17-year-old. So, maybe this website can help you both communicate about her goals, interests. Once she realizes she can still work, while study something that interests her, she may open up to you. Good luck! D.

I agree with the other folks who suggested backing off pushing her to apply to college and provide her with other options. Getting work experience and joining the military, as previously suggested, are good ideas. Also, have you looked into Americorps as another possibility? This could be a unique experience that would provide some excellent life experience. I took some time off before going back to college and was a much better student for it. Having "real life" experience helps to understand the value of classroom experience and can be very motivating. Good luck!

Hi J.,

I agree with the people who have commented about how she may be overwhelmed by the process. You may want research the application process yourself (most schools are similar) and outline what it involves (e.g. app, essays, transcript, SATS, letters of rec). Talking about what teachers to ask for recommendations or how to go about writing the essays may help. She may be scared of an interview which are not always mandatory.

You may also want to tell her that a lot of schools use the common application which means she can fill it out once and submit it to several schools.

Finally, request a variety of course catalogs (or go online) and give her an idea of what type of courses are offered. A lot of high school kids are surprised on how interesting they can be. If you live near a college see if she wants to sit in a large lecture class that may interest her.

Good Luck.

I was that 17 yr old once.. don't force her.. if she doesn't want to go, she'll fail purposely.. give it to her straight.. either she goes to college or she gets a full time job and pays rent to you. you will not pay for anything for her once she's graduated.. no more clothing, car, and she needs to contribute to the house with cleaning or buying food or something. make it sound as unglamourous as you can.. but from experience, if she doesn't want it, she won't try at all and it will be a waste of time and money.

find out what it is she is interested in studying and then search to find the best schools for whatever that happens to be. send for brochures, info from the top twelve. once they arrive, plan a day to spend with your daughter to go over the info you've received. maybe a picnic in the park where you can relax and enjoy the day while going thru everything. at this point, i'd say shorten the list to her six favorites and then begin your road trips to visit each one. i do believe visiting the campus is a must. what might sound like a perfect fit on paper, may not feel right once she gets there. good luck and have fun with the adventure!

Hi,

I don't know if this will help, but in my house we weren't allowed to get any Christmas presents our senior year until our applications were all submitted. This won't be of any help if she has real concerns about going to college, but it might be a motivation if she is simply procrastinating. I remember being really sick with mono, but I got my applications done in time for Christmas!

good luck!

How about making an appointement with your ex-husband, your daughter and her guidance counselor at school? That's the person who has the best information on starting this often over whelming search. Plus, it'll give all of you the tools you need to work on this together and on neutral ground (where you daughter can't exactly leave the room!). Best of luck!

I know myself being not that far away from her age...or Id like to think Im still close enough to remember my senior year somewhat...(24) thta I started recieving brochures and flyers int he mail from colleges all over the place..i honestly ignored many of them myeslf but discovered that my parents at both houses (my parents are also divorced but both houses did this) they started saving them all in one spot...and one weekend...i was sat down by them and asked to go through them, and see which colleges i looked like i might be interested in...for instance...there was a woman's college...that i was full force against and did not want to go to an all womans college...from there we looked into programs i might be interested in studying, and narrowed them down further by checking out the college websites and looking at what htye had from programs, and then we picked about 5 to look at...i picked out three and my parents each picked one...
funny thing...I agree with the people who said visiting the colleges is a must...because the all woman's college was on all of my parents list to visit..so we went...and I fell in love with the campus, and the city (boston) and everything else...and it went from being my last choice to my first and where i graduated from...and to this day am so thankful they made me go look at it :-)
So i would say its just going to take a day of sitting her down and making her discuss it..but I also agree that its a very overwhelming process...and you may have to help her with some of it and that may be why she is avoiding it...so talk to her about her interests and if she has any ideas what she wants to study...if she doesnt that is fine too...most schools have great general ed programs and help students with that once they are in their second year...so just take some time and talk with her :-) and if your ex-husband isnt helping thats ok...you can do it...it may feel less overwhelming for her if its just you and not everyone coming at her at once.

Tell her that I wish that I had gone to college right out of high school, when life was simpler, no family depending on me, etc. I have always regretted not going to college and getting a degree. I'm 41. I guess after my kids have left the nest, I could go back to school and get a degree, but by then I'll be too tired! LOL. I have done OK through on the job training, and taking a course or two here and there, but SO many more doors would have been open for me if I had that degree. And my income would most likely be a lot higher. Maybe you can do a comparison for her of average salaries of degreed people v. non-degreed people. Show her statistics of how in general you can make a lot more money in your lifetime if you have a degree. Money talks. Good luck!

Hi J.,
Your daughter's high school is likely giving her information almost daily on the college application process and deadlines. She should understand that deadlines are real and most applications must be received by mid January in order to be considered with priority. Also there are hard deadlines for the FAFSA application if she wants to be considered for financial aid. As many of the top schools range from 44k-52k per year, every bit helps. While January may seem like a long time to a 17 year old, the reality is that by the time she gets her references, completes essays, etc. Jan is right around the corner. Talk to her about what her plans are after graduation and based on her aspirations, perhaps you can give her a list of schools to research based on her field of interest. My daughter has just entered her freshman year and we've already begun this process because time passes much to quickly during the high school years. I actually created a listed of schools that I believe she should consider so that she can narrow her search based on size, location, type of education, available majors, etc. The plan is to have her visit some of the schools she's really interested in her sophomore and have 3-5 school for which she intends to apply by the time she enters her senior year. The wonderful thing about the New England area is that we have many, many great schools that she can visit for a day to get a feel for college life. Perhaps a day in the life will spark her interest.

Hi J.,

I think you might start by expressing your concerns with your daughter and try and find out if there are specific concerns or worries she has (this is a difficult and stressful time for teens) Assuming there is nothing serious going on I would make an appointment with her guidance counselor NOW.

Time is of the essence at this point. The SAT's are right around the corner (I think December) and you can find out from the guidance department what your daughter needs to do to register and prepare. It is never too early for you to start thinking about how to finance college. You will need to fill out the FAFSA (free application for federal student aid) which is a general application for financial aid which all students must fill out. The form is done online at www.fafsa.gov. You will need your income tax returns from 2008 so have your taxes done as soon as possible and try and get the FAFSA done in February.

Since your daughter is a dependant, you will be the one filling out this form though you will need some of her information. You will also want to know all of the schools she is considering. When you fill out the FAFSA the information will be sent to all of the schools which she lists. (you will list them by code which can be found out by following a link on the FAFSA form)

After the SAT's have been taken and the FAFSA complete she can start applying to the schools of her choice. (if her grades are as good as you say she could apply in November/December for early acceptance) After the schools receive your daughter's SAT scores, FAFSA information and application, the schools will respond by sending her a letter of acceptance or denial, If she is accepted, the letter will be accompanied by a "financial aid package" By reviewing her offers your daughter will best be able to make her decision. Many people say to apply to at least three schools: a school she would like to go to, a school she feels almost certain will accept her and a "reach" school (one that she dreams of but thinks she may not be accepted to or will not be able to afford) Sometimes the financial aid package from the reach school is more attractive then the more affordable school. The earlier you complete the paperwork the better her package will be. Schools do run out of aid.

As far as getting her off the sites. I would clearly express your concerns and negotiate with her for the amount of time you both deem reasonable. Bottom line, you are still the mom, it is your home and you are likely paying for the service. Exert your authority. If the ex is reasonable employ his assistance. Maybe the two of you could meet without her initially to strategize so when you do approach her you do so with the power of a team.

You are right to be concerned; the rest of your daughters life begins right now. God Bless you.

J. L.

We also have a senior this year and have had a hard time getting her on the right track looking for colleges. With my daughter, I think it was that she may have felt overwhelmed too. First your daughter has to know her passion, what she is interested in getting into or learning more about. Take that information to the guidance counselor and they will be able to direct her to the colleges with programs that she will want to pursue. There are college nights at the high school. Get in touch with her guidance counselor and pick up the information regarding the steps you and your daughter should be doing now. There is time, but you have to start. Start with her guidance counselor. You are not alone. More parents do the actual work than the kids. I think they believe there is all the time in the world. There is stuff you have to do in the fall and there are steps you should be taking in January. First of all, make sure she is signed up for the SAT's. I believe there is still time for the November ones. Look into that first and then see her guidance counselor for the phamplets on the steps you should be doing. Take heart, you are not alone. Just take one step at a time. There may be opportunities to find out about financial aid also by meetings at the school, you and your daughter should attend these. All this information is available through the guidance office. Call today. Good Luck!

As a college counselor, I always have a handful of seniors who I'm chasing this time of year...urging them along in the college search/application process. Is your daughter receiving any guidance from her high school throughout the process? Does she have ideas of what she wants to do or where she wants to go?

Hi there - the earlier your daughter applies, the better her financial aid package will be. Schools only have so much money to give out, and when it's gone - it's gone. With the current financial crisis, the government won't have many loans available.
Perhaps there is a reason she is not searching. Maybe she is afraid to leave home, or to leave you alone. I would start by having a conversation about what she's thinking and feeling. Reassure her that you will be OK. You can also reach out to her guidance counselor at school to enlist help. If that fails, take away the computer games until she can show you that she has at least looked at a few different schools. Good Luck!

If she enjoys being on the internet, maybe that is a good place to start. Peterson's College guide online www.petersons.com and the SAT registration website www.collegeboard.com have a great college search options. It is a fun place to start considering options. Having said that, if she has not taken the SAT, you should get her signed up ASAP to meet the college deadlines.
Good luck.

Take her on a college visit.
Maybe make a day of it.... say "Let's go shopping, grab some lunch and take a tour at Harvard."
Seeing the campus scene might get her excited.
Go on a weekday so she can see the students.
Good luck!

Definitely have her visit some college campuses - especially since there are so many in this area! Her school should have a college counselor, and I think calling this person would be a good idea - they can let you know what the deadlines are for financial aid applications and suggest schools for your daughter to apply to based on grades and test scores. A few colleges even have December deadlines that will arrive all too quickly! A lot of colleges use the common application, which can save a lot of time:

https://www.commonapp.org/CommonApp/default.aspx

Here is the link for the FAFSA Keitrice mentioned that you'll want to fill out so you don't miss out on any financial aid:

http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/

Good luck!

My guess is that "find a college" is probably an overwhelming task for a 17 year old. She most likely doesn't know where to start or how to tackle the issue. I would ask her to go to her guidance counselor at school and request information about any and all schools that the counselor has on hand. Bring home all the brochures, mill through them and separate them into 3 piles - yes, no, maybe. Sit down with her to discuss what she likes about the "yes" schools even if some of her primary reasons for school are location i.e "this one is in Florida and I hate to be cold". I would then help her extend her base of "yes" schools by requesting more information to be mailed to you. Give her an endpoint- some sort of goal for example - it would be ideal if we could get 3 applications in before the end of the year. Start spending your weekends doing tours of the local schools so she can get an idea of the campus and a feel for the students who go there. I think your daughter just needs some structure, guidance and direction. Once she starts seeing the schools and realizes that things are moving along she'll become more motivated. - just my 2 cents!

Let me know, too! My 16 year old isn't showing a lot of interest either despite being brilliant (Mom bragging here). I'm getting worried about financing, too..... Here's what I read..... Make the offer to help her, but make it known that this is her decision and her gig (with some parameters like who pays for what). After that, it's best to let them take the lead. I've been mulling this over and I have done some exploring on the College Board Site, etc.... I will eagerly wait to see what you get for responses!