Seeking Advice on How to Deal with Griefing Father.

J.,
Your issue has several layers to it. Your poor father has serious unresolved issues and they have manifested themselves into a serious depression. He is crying out for help, and many males don't ask for help until they are in desperate straits. Your dad looked to his mom as his protector growing up, as we all do. Our mom is the first person we love, the first person we kiss and the one who shows us our first view on the world. That being said, he feels as if his only real anchor to this Earth, his reason for hanging onto his sanity is now gone. (It's extremely likely that his father's father was equally emotionally unavailable and/or abusive. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree). Please don't expect your mom's family to be any more receptive than they have been. But, it has really nothing to do with you. They knew her marriage wasn't as loving as it could have been, to be politically correct. He was, as you stated, closer to his mom than their sister, daughter, cousin, etc. That family loyalty doesn't take into account the baggage dad brings into his marriage to your dear mom or the family history of violence. It is an excruciating amount of pain, and I realize that he was not supportive when your dear mom died, but sweetie he wasn't being selfish he just couldn't. He wasn't emotionally able to handle that due to all of his unresolved issues and insecurities. I'm sure he's a lovely man and he is just doing the best he could. J., everyone you meet, talk to and love is a sum total of all of their experiences, good and bad, tragedies, triumphs, grief and all. I feel for you because you are like a lonely apple on a tree by yourself with no one to anchor you, and you feel as if you are just swinging in the breeze just not wanting to fall. From one human being to another, I love you for asking for help and advice for your dear dad. You do however, as I did when my child's father killed himself, have to guard your own emotions and sanity. A member of his family blamed me for his suicide and I had to limit my contact with them, set boundaries and be as respectful as I could be while at the same time "saving myself". Your dad must be encouraged to seek a good, competent therapist. Seek a personal referral, as yellow pages tell you nothing about them. My child's therapist was not what she appeared to be, but the group therapy helped. And you need to find some group therapy or specialized therapy to help you. Dear, you've suffered many great losses and I don't want you to become depressed too. Finally, try to get your dad to get out with you guys. Even if it's bowling, dinner, putt putt golf of a concert. He needs something to look forward to. Perhaps you can send him a card, maybe even a hand made card. Healing starts with one step, and in the long process of healing we have too cry some and do things a little different to succeed. I don't recall you saying you had a good relationship w/dad, so start now. So that if you have children they will see your compassion and it will help you too. Don't stay on the phone with him crying, and change the subject or just say I love you dad and tell him you have to go, but you'll call back. Make sure you keep your word, because his abandonment issues are deep. I hope that you will read this, and print it out as something to consider when you have time. The loss of two very special men in my life within 4 years of each other has taught me a lot. One thing I know for sure is, I don't know when it's going to get better...but dear friend, I do know that it's going to get better. I know this was lengthy, but I wanted to address as many issues as possible. Praying for you in GA, A. p.s. You can always email me and I will respond.

i am really truly sorry for your loss J.. my prayers to you and to your father, whole family as well.

just a thought: i just know there must be a greif support group for him, or as it seems might be the case, he would probably do well with some real, paid-for couseling, to help him help himself to learn a new way of dealing w/ crisis. he seems like he's his own worst enemy dealing w/ this stuff -keeps himself in a perpetual (sp?) state of acute loss.. maybe he's somehow 'addicted' to the drama.. ?? don't know really anything about that, but a licensed psychiatrist could help him sort that stuff out. and someone that could REALLY help him would be there.

just a thought, and i will pray for him

J.,
Your father needs time to grieve. He lost his wife, after apparently having been married for a long time. Now he has lost his mother. It sounds like your father is extremely lonely. After a bit of time, especially if he doesn't seem to improve maybe you should suggest professional counseling. It doesn't matter that your grandmother, his mother, was ill and this happens to everyone YOUR father has lost two people he loved very much. I am sorry to say this but you do sound a little bit cold. Maybe you should do some soul searching and figure out why you feel the way you do. I pray both of you will learn to comfort each other in your time of loss.

I have to say you do sound a bit heartless and selfish.For one it's your father,and losing someone and coming to grips with not having them around anymore is really hard.Your mistake lies in not speaking up and telling him that maybe he should see someone who can provide answers and comfort like a priest.It would be a different story if he was whining about something else but his mother has died!And there might be an underlining problem why this affects him so much,maybe he's afraid of dying himself or feels alone now.And your comment,"I really don't understand having this much of an emotional reaction to something that happens to all of us."I thought that was the most harsh one.Can you not imagine losing someone and it hurting?I think your attitude on this is part of your problem.I understand not wanting to be caught up in his mourning every day but you should atleast offer an ear.And encourage him to seek help in a church.A priest wouldn't have as much of a problem with listening as you do and can offer answers.If you don't then you mid-as-well suffer in silence.

J.,
First of all, I'd like to say that no you are not a cruel person, however, you do need to have a little understanding for your father. You will never be able to truly understand the relationship that your father had with your mother, or with his mother- so you're basically going to have to let sleeping dogs lie with that one. No reason to stir the pot for your own validations. I have similar issues with my family that I will never understand- but if your Dad is fine with it, and they're both gone now- leave it be- what will it hurt?
Apparently your way of grieving and your father's way is not the same- but in no way is it reason to shun him, or be embarrased by him. It is more than acceptable for you to bring up to him that you are concerned with his way of grieving, and let him know that there are other people out there who will be better able to understand him, and console him better than you. Find some names of grief counselors, and offer to go with him a couple of sessions. Guys especially have a hard time speaking to strangers in a therapy situation, perhaps you can make him comfortable enough by being there with him that he will want to continue going and get the help that he needs. Also- it wouldn't hurt you to go either. Just don't use it as a way to attack his grief practices- it will only backfire.
My father committed suicide when I was 20 years old, after dealing for a very long time with depression (something that a lot of people do not understand- and will never understand). My grandmother was buried on my wedding day. Everyone loses people- but some deal better than others- and some don't deal at all and ignore the situation all together..Your father is not choosing to be a martyr- he simply can't deal on his own- and hes asking anyone and everyone to be his support group. Just be glad that you have a father around who wants you to be there for him.
Lighten up for him. You don't have to be available for him 24/7- but try to think how you would want to be treated- wouldn't you want people to respect your ways of grieving and not force theirs on them?
Good luck- you have a bumpy road ahead of you.

I agree that he does need counseling. Granted eveyone deals with the loss of a loved one differently, but some of us do need that extra help. I guess I've always been strong, so I never needed counseling. (I even lost a child.) Does your dad have a computer? I know when I joined an angel group and got to listen to others and how they lost their children, boy oh boy, mine didn't seem so bad compared to what others went through.

I definitely would suggest or shoot take him to counseling, a group so he can listen to others and not dwell so much on his own problems. Since he is by himself, which I am assuming and doesn't have a lot to do, this gives him a lot of time to cry and dwell on sadness. He really needs to get involved in a group to help him deal with grief.

It's understandable that you feel overwhelmed with all the emotion from the death of both your mom and your father's mom. It's completely understandable that you would want someone to lean on during this time. Did you seek out a shoulder to cry on?

Some people handle emotions and LIFE itself differently from the rest of the world. Compassion, care and great love come from understanding what makes people tick.

It sounds like to me that you don't understand what your father has been through. If I lost my husband (the man of my absolute soul), I would grieve heavily. If I lost my mother, the grief would be overwhelming as she's absolutely the best friend (female) I've ever had.

Perhaps the reason your father calls around to the family is because he's trying to find someone out there who will honestly listen to him and tell him what to do now. Tell him how to respond to life around him since he's lost the only people who (it seems to me) actually listened to him. My God! It takes time and some people NEED a lot of time to understand what's happened to them.

I suggest 2 things:

1. counseling for your dad as soon as humanly possible. He's at a breaking point. (group therapy works absolute wonders and he'll eventually appreciate it that you did it for him).

2. Counseling for you and the rest of your family. It sounds like to me that the way you handle grief is to ignore the pain and be annoyed by it. Thus, the reason you sent out the alarm bells to your grandmother who, in turn, sent out the alarm to everyone in the family and now they don't call your dad. Isolation is a horrible feeling especially since your dad is smart enough to realize it.

I can understand your situation and right now it is tough so get through these couple of weeks and then try and limit your talking with him. Keep busy doing other things and don't be so readily available to him and with time maybe he will back off a little. I certainly think he needs a doctors assistance, maybe get him to go on an anti-depressant, there are many medication that could really help him. I don't think there is anything wrong with taking something to help with anxiety and depression especially when someone is grieving. I just lost my brother-in-law last week and am going through this with my sister, he was only 36, he was messing around with a gun and had been drinking heavily. My sister, my mom and myself take something and it just helps with worry and anxiety. It may really help your dad. I hope things get better. Does he go to church? Having a strong faith can get you through this. God Bless!

i wish i had some advice for you. i deal with the same thing when it comes to the death of my sister. my sister died 7 1/2 years ago, although it seems like yesterday. my mom pretty much forgot she had another child when my sister passed. then when she rememebered i existed, her argument was that her pain was greater because she lost a child. my argument was, we both lost someone we love, why can't we just be there for each other. to this day she gets angry because i don't want to sit around and cry and feel sorry for ourselves. she did the same thing you said your dad did. she had to tell everyone in the world she could think of. and even still when she meets someone new, she has to inform them that she has lost a daughter. sometimes i feel like i am a heartless person because i have no pity for my mom. she choses to sit around and be pitiful instead of remember the good times and smile and laugh about them. and like you said it's one thing to deal with that for a few weeks but we're going on 7 1/2 years now and we argue about it and i tell her the same thing over and over. i don't chose to sit around and cry, i just want to remember the good and be happy that at least she's in a better place. anyway, i just rambled. :) just want you to know i don't think you're wrong for feeling the way you do...either that or we're both wrong! haha good luck with your dad.

Hi, J.. It sounds as if your father has been depressed for years and hasn't been able to come out of it because it is a chemical imbalance that only medication can improve. I've been there, and I know what a difference getting on medication can make. I would suggest that you try to get him to see a physician who can give him, and you, some quality of life! Good luck, R.

Hi J., My thoughts on your question at the end "are you wrong for not wanting to be his counselor? No, you're not wrong for that. You have to be honest with yourself and you don't feel comfortable listening to him cry to you, and so...don't. You have to do what's right for yourself. Just from reading all that background, it's plain to see that there are quite a few undercurrents and things going on with your father and in your extended family and a professional counselor would probably do him good. If his father was abusive to him, then as a matter of statistics, the father was probably abusive to his mother also, which would partially explain the closeness they felt (united against a common enemy). This is just speculation on my part as I don't know the entire story. It also sounds as if you also have some resentment and deeper issues going on concerning your father. As far as how to cut the conversation short, honesty is the best policy. "Dad, I love you, but I really can't talk about this with you, it's too upsetting for me. I want you to find a counselor to speak with and I'll be happy to locate one for you. It will be good to speak to someone about all your feelings, but it can't be me. I just don't feel like I can handle it right now." Something like that might work. I wish you luck with your problem. Love and light.

J.,
Everyone grieves differently. That said, it is much more difficult to separate from someone if you have been really close to them for a long time. Your father may be clinically depressed from the death of your mother. Now, he has an additional grief to bear. I would consider taking him to the M>D. for some antidepressant meds if he starts spirally downward(loss of appetite, poor sleeping habits, feelings of worthliness, constant crying and/or isolating himself from others. He is in serious need of a good support system---perhaps you may contact your local hospice, mental health center or other family members to help guide you and him over the nextfew months. Blessings A.

If you have Caller ID on your phone you can only take his calls when you feel up to it. You must take care of you as no one else will. Another thing, I might suggest, many churches offer "Grief share" groups. It would most likely be a big help if you can get him to begin going to one of these groups. You may have to go with him at first but that would be a step in the right direction of his learning how to handle his grief and sharing it in the proper setting. V.

Dear Jenney,

I feel like I can share some of your frustrations. My mother is very much the social griever. I personally feel that grieving is a private matter that you might share with one other person whom you love most. On the other hand, my mother calls everyone in her address book anytime ANYTHING bad happens. When my sister was in a car accident that killed her best friend, my mother called the whole family (every single one of them) to tell them about it and ask for advice on how to talk to my sister. However, it was evident that she just wanted the attention and the problem was that it really just wasn't about her, It was about my sister. My point is, when a family member acts in this seemingly selfish, attention seeking manner, it really is just so frustrating and embarassing to those who are close to him/her. Don't feel bad about venting about it. Though my mother has also been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder, I still feel the need to vent about her to my dh every other day.
My advice would be to be as understanding as possible with your father but to also be very honest with him. When you feel enough grieving time has passed, tell him how you feel about him using you as a constant sholder to cry on, but do it as gently as you can without being dishonest. Then, continue to do things with your father, to let him know that you are there and he is not alone. Anytime you see him feeling sorry for himself, just do not indulge the behavoir.
Your father is most definately an older man, the hardest kind of person to change. Don't expect to be able to do it all by yourself. Seek outside help, whether it's from other family members or from a proffesional counselor. Either way, your father should be assured that he is loved and appreciated and that he doesn't need all this attention months later after a tragedy. Instead he should get healthy quality time with those he loves. I hope this works out for you J..

I have dealt with a lot of death in my lifetime. It started with a double funeral when I was 6 yrs old when my father and grandmother died on the same day. My father died in a car crash and when his mother heard he was dead, she had a heart attack. That shows the bond between a mother and son. Then 3 yrs ago I had to deal with 10 deaths in a 5 month period with my brother being the first of the 10 and my best friend being the last. So I can understand where your father is coming from. I fell instead of you being his counsler for the next year, because you also need to grieve for not only your grandmother, but also for your mother since you were denied that. You should get him into a support group. They have support groups at hospitals, churches, and mental health clinics to help people move on after the death of a loved one.
I feel getting your father into a support group with others going through the same as he the best option for both of you. This way both of you will be able to grieve at the pace that's best for you.

T.

Hi J. ~ bless your heart, you do not sound cruel. You are his daughter, not his counsellor. You can do only what you are capable of and nothing more. That might mean setting some boundaries and being honest with him and that also might mean letting go as much as you can emotionally. You have responsibilites as his daughter but you are not responsible for his feelings and how he deals with them ~ there is no reason to spend hours and hours listening to him cry ~ he does need professional help and guess what? There are professionals out there to do that as you are not one of them. I really wish you the very best of luck in this situation.... prayers to you and your family. :)

J.. I would just be nice and let him know that you can't be on the phone for Hours on end. Say something like "Sorry dad I need to go make lunch" or " Dad I need to put the baby down for a nap etc." I know its hard, but you don't need to let it take time away from your family (meaning your husband and kids.) Be understanding and nice, but sometimes you have to say enough.

J.,
First let me say that I am sorry for your loses. You are not wrong for feeling this way. I go through some of the same things with my dad but different situations. He needs professional counseling ASAP. You are not heartless and you shouldn't feel bad for your feelings. I totally understand that you need to grive also and that is the only healthy thing that you can do. There will be a time when you may need to go to counseling with him but never the less the counselor or psychologist is has the stratigies and everthing to help him work through this. You have a life of your on although he is your father you must be able to function in your life without feeling pressured by undue stress. I understand that it just happened but you've got to unfortunately be firm and tell him where you stand. You can do it in a respectful way. Don't expect him to like what you say. He will probably will be a little angry but he has to know how you feel. I am not sure if you have delt with hospice in this case but I know that they have some great counselors. Hang in there. He may need some meds to help him along the way. Also, Tift Behavioral Health is a great place to go. I am not sure of your nor his situation but I know that they take insurance as well as work on a sliding scale with income. They have counselors and doctors and they deal with all kinds of situations in mental health. This really is a mental health issue for you as well as for you father. Good luck I hope that I have helped you some. Get some help as soon as possible. Don't try to do this on your own.

I think you have to be upfront with him and tell him that you understand that he is greiving, but that you are also and that he needs to be sensitive to other people as well. You may have to be harsh with him and it may put a strain on the relationship. But he seems to be doing that anyway. Maybe he just doesn't realize how selfish he is being with his feelings and it will take you pointing it out to him. It will also make you feel better to know you have expressed your feelings to him. I hope this helps!

I agree with Stubby T that if you feel it is annoying to have to deal with your father's grieving, then please direct him to someone who won't mind talking and listening to him when he needs it. You said it has only been 24 hours since his mom passed, and already you are annoyed by his calling and crying, so much so that now everyone on your side has isolated him, and this is not weeks or months after, only 24 hours by your own admission. I think you are right to direct him to a qualified grief counselor, the poor guy is going to need someone.

J.,
My grandma just died this past year too. It was my dads mom and my last living grandparent. I know that if my dad would out last my mom he wouldn't know what to do with himself. Is that what has happened to your dad? My dad relies on my mom for alot (he does alot too but my mom the most). It's their generation thing. In the past few years since my dad has retired he was able to do more for my grandma and spend more time with her. It sounds like the same for your dad. I think as we get older we realize what are parents really mean to us. My dad has 66yrs to look back on. It's hard for him not to pick up the phone to call daily to check on her, email her a funny email that she might like or want to just drive over there to check on her and get her weekly groceries too. I also caught myself worrying that she need to get her flu shot this winter (she passed away in Sept). My dad still has my mom and us kids, I can't imangine being alone. Maybe you can help him find a senior group to do things with or take senior trips with. There are alot of those around. When my grandma died I realized that in life we start out the kids and they (our parents and grandparents) take care of us and then it turns around at some point and we take care of them. With this being my last grandparent I lost my last part of my childhood. I had to do alot to help with her house and help my parents out because they aren't young anymore to lift furniture and such. I can only hope that my kids and grandkids do the same for me too. Get him involved in life again and hope this helps you both.
L. c

Your family's not Irish are they? I was wondering if we might be related because your story sounds so familiar. LOL I've a whole slew of close relatives who ask for all the emotional support they can garner, but never have any to give back. I could be lying on my death bed, and one of them would call me to complain about a toothache, and want to know what I could do for them. At times, it has felt like I was carrying the weight of my entire family's burdens squarely upon my own shoulders. I guess my point is that I can understand the apathy you feel toward your father.
You have to set limits with people like this and spell them out very clearly.
I used to be a bit of a doormat and would never be curt or impatient with my family in spite of the fact that they were driving me insane, but I learned that the only way to make it stop was to stop putting up with it.
Just come right out and tell him, "I DO NOT have time to accept several phone calls a day. If you don't stop calling me all the time I will be left with no choice but to stop answering the phone. I am your child, and it is inappropriate and unfair to ask me to be your sole source of emotional support especially when you have been unwilling to be supportive of me."
You will probably not be his favorite person for a while, but he will likely get over it. The members of my family who behaved this way all seem to thrive on drama, but they don't bring it to my door anymore.
I know it sounds like a cold thing to do, but I actually have very good relationships with these people now as a result of setting limits. Most of them knew that they had been making burdens of themselves and even apologized for haven taken advantage of my kind nature.
You are not wrong in not wanting to be his counselor. It really is inappropriate for him to expect you to do so and it needs to stop. Good luck!

Sorry to hear about your loss. Try a senior center with adults in his same situation. When my mother died, we all thought our father would die lonely. He did go through a spell of depression but he started writing poems about their lives together and we all think it really helped him deal with his loss. Now he meets my brothers/sisters out for lunch and sometimes dinner and he's adjusting very well now that he is busy. Try and get him out to socialize and become active with other people. Remember, he is the only parent you have left. All the best...