Seeking Advice on Daily Arguments

I know this sounds kind of simple, but have you tried writting her a letter and letting her read it privately? Its hard to hear each other through arguing. H.

A.,
Just so you know, you're not the only mom going through this- I hear this from clients all the time! 18 year olds are basically adults and anytime you have two adults living under one roof there are bound to be problems (think about it; roommates, spouses, it's all work)! Just like when she was 3, your daughter is just learning who she is and figuring out what kind of person she wants to be.She's sort of a big toddler :)It's supposed to be like this, otherwise they would never leave. She will have TONS of fond memories of home, but I think you may want to prepare yourself for a rough year or two. I hear for a lot of people that it gets easier when the child moves out and both people have room and space to breath. Good luck!

You know (this may sound bad)I am so glad there is another mom that is going through the same thing as I am. Everyday there is something with my 12 year old. I was really feeling that I was the only one fight with my tweteenger.
The thing I try to do is set the day at the begin. I tell her in the morning "when you come home from school and before the TV comes on or talk friends on the phone - you need to help with dinner or help clean your little sister room". That way she know at the begin of her day this is what is going on and I try not to over load her.

Mom of two girls 12 and 3

I was the same as you. Thought I would never survive feeling so distant from my beautiful, first born, child. Who was this totally selfish, self absorbed woman in my house? Where was the loving girl I raised?
Now my daughter is 22, educated, employed with a good job and leading an independant life. She calls just to say hello and sometimes because she wants to bring me a present. If you would have told me this was possible 4 or 5 years ago, I would have said you were insane.
The hardest part for me, at that most difficult time, was remembering that is was the parenting I did years back, that will get her through these years. When they are 17 or 18, it is too late, other than re-iterating your love and of course, the ground rules. Good luck and look forward to those Mother/Daughter lunches in a few years where you will both laugh. And wish me luck, I am going through the same with my son now. Boys are not very different, just a great deal bigger than you...
RM

Hi A.,

As a 24 year old (and a mom!) I was that age not too long ago. My mother would always tell me how things were and never give me a chance to figure things out for myself. Though I eventually found out that she was right in a lot of things, I never wanted to admit it because it made me a bit angry. I would suggest offering advice when she asks for it and know that sometimes people just have to figure things out for themselves. I mean if it's not life threatening and such! Just pick your battles wisely and ask yourself, "Is this worth arguing about?"
Also, like another mom said below my response, once she is out on her own, it will get better, just respect her and see her as the adult she is becoming, not the child she was. It's so great to be able to be friends with my mom now instead of her child, which, yes, I will always be.

Have fun with her before she's out on her own and remind her of how much you love her!

A.

I am 27 now, but when I was in my senior year all my mom and I did was argue. I moved out right after I graduated. It took awhile, but once I was gone I really figured out how much my mom did for me and how much I loved her. We get along great now and I never think twice about what happened back then. When your 18 you just think you know everything and that you don't need your parents. If and when she leaves she will realize what a great mom you are and what you have done for her. It will get better. My mom and I have a great relationship now.

E.

Hello A.,

Just enjoy the time with your daughter. Remember that she is a teenager and sometimes when we are teenagers we are not mature enough, just give her advice. Sooner or later she'll figure that you were right. Have a nice week, Sylvia

Hello,
Have you taken a look at "Parenting with Love and Logic"? I haven't spent much time looking at the sections about teenagers, since I have a toddler and a preschooler, but what I might try is asking her "What can we do so that you remember your responsibilities?" If you ask her to take responsibility for doing things and stop asking, she might feel more like she's being treated as an adult? This puts the onus on her to remember rather than on you to follow up. I hope you find something that helps, I don't have teenagers, but remember being one :)
M.

I am 24 so I was there just a few years ago. Now that I am married have my own carrer and family. My mom is my best friend we do everything togather. I am sure if you would have told her that when I was even 15-18 she would have thought you were crazy. Just stress how important school/college is (you didn't mention her plans after highschool), but I will promise you it will get better, my mom and I can't and wont ever be able to live under the same roof we are to much alike cause I am her daughter:) She will understand one day when she has her own children turst me that ten folds is true. My daughter is only 18months and already tells me NO WAY ugh.

im only 25 but i know what your daughter is feeling. i put my mom through the same things when i was that age. the only advice i can give you is that it well change. you need to be patient with each other. she wont realize things until shes been out on her own for awhile and then she'll realize how much she needs you in her life. my mom and i are bestfriends now.