Seeking Advice on a 13 Year Old Girl and My Space Account

Check out the message boards on fosterparents.com. You will find alot of ideas and info there. I'm afraid her bio parents need to run with the ball on this one but if they will not, insist on having access to all her computer accounts. Educate yourself on how to look at the history of what she is doing on the computer. Is mom still in the picture? What kind of relationship is it? Is there someone she will talk to that you could request help from? Maybee one of the older sibs?

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This is a tough situation for at least four reasons. (1) You're a step parent. (2) The family changes are still new, and probably not settled. (3) Your step-daughter is just entering puberty, with all of its intrigues and mood swings. (4) MySpace, and modern culture in general, give young kids probably more freedom and creative ideas than they have the good sense to handle.

And a possible fifth and sixth reason: Your step daughter may not have a history of consistent parenting and expectations, especially considering that her parents are divorced. And something upsetting (possibly of a sexual nature) could have happened that she is unwilling or unable to share with you, since 13-year-olds can be obsessive about privacy.

If your SD is acting out in such a troubled way at such an early age, she is troubled. Taking her internet access away will slow her down, but as you already recognize, will not get to the root of the problem. Is there any possible way to get the bunch of you into family counseling? Your SD might do well with personal counseling as well. The problem that is showing here is only the tip of the iceberg, and that ice has been forming for a long time.

You don't say how things are between your SD and her dad or her mother. They would do well to take the initiative if anything is to improve in the short run. Your SD probably sees you as a person with very little authority in her life, and you have relatively little history with her. She may actively resent you, so if you initiate punishment, that could make the situation worse.

Get professional help!

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First, if you cannot rule out My space altogether (my 15 year old is not allowed to have an account) then set up your own account, and make her put you in as a friend. Know her passwords for other accounts, and let her know you will be checking from time to time. Put the computer in a high traffic area, and do not give her unlimited access. Mine has to ask before she can access our computer. Know the websites she is visiting by checking "history" evey day if you have too. You would not send your 13 yr old out in the town unsupervised...the same applies to Cyberspace!!!

I don't know how much this will help. My daughter did similar things when she was about the same age. I even asked her what she would suggest. She's 17, almost 18 now, and thank God, we made it through all of that. One thing I did, is that I made my girls give me the password's to all of their internet accounts. Another, I made myself a myspace account, and they had to add me onto their "friends" list. They were not allowed to fudge their ages, which obviously your step-daughter is doing in order to get around some of the myspace rules. In order for me to view their account as an adult, I had to be a friend, so, I could keep an eye out on what they were doing. I keep the computer in the livingroom, where the access is public, and they can't add things they don't want anyone else to see.

Yes, they can still go to their friends, or somewhere else to post things. But, I still have access to remove them, so there is no reason for them to bother.

I don't know if that will help or not. But it calmed the waters around here a lot.

I also have a my space account. I am really surprised that they allow naked pictures on there. I know that when ever I upload pictures in my profile it says that if they are naked pictures that your account will be deleted and that you won't be able to get my space again.
If I was you I would get an account myself go look at her pictures and turn them in to the people who made my space. The guys name is Dave.
Good luck let me know if it helps.

Im so sorry for you. I just spoke with my husband about this since he has done some studies on these types of things. of course she is going through puberty but that usually has teens acting rebellous towards parents, not acting out sexually. My husband wonders if she has a boyfriend who is asking for these pictures or if she is being sexually active against her will with a family friend, class mate or peer. She has not all of the sudden decided to be a great child and then become someone totally different. Keep a close watch, it will take some time for her to open up, and she might even get angry at you for paying more attenting to her than normal, but leave the door open so that she will trust you and come to you. I wish you luck...dont worry, she will be alright and so will you.
A.

Is it possible that she is being abused somewhere and is acting out? that was my first thought, but could be way off.

When I was younger I had friends that did similar things. WHen I asked them why they did it, they told me that they wanted to feel sexy and get attention from older guys. However, once my cute older brother told them that he didn't like those kind of girls they stopped doing it. I can't offer exact advice, but I know that once I had a cute guy tell me that he respected me for not trying to show off my body, I stopped wearing skimpy outfits.
I think ultimately, she just wants attention, but she's not quite sure what kind of attention she wants.

I don't understand why my space doesn't just enforce a private account on people under the age of 18.

I think that you could give her back the internet access after a time for school purposes only. Forbid her the use of a public my space account enforcing that it be set to private and then only people that she lets in (or a parent moderates)to see whatever she might post there. If that doesn't work, tell her that she must provide you with the password so that you can edit content. Bring the computer right into the room that is where you are and limit it to one hour/day unless specifically using it for research. All the parents across the board need to agree and follow the rule-no slacking. A thirteen year old just cannot comprehend the damage she might be doing to her future by what feel to her as "having fun" she is probably getting tons of both positive and negative attention right now and that can be thrilling to a 13 year old. If she cannot self-moderate then parents must intervene. Once she complies and begins to improve (grow up) try removing or adding on some of the restrictions as necessary.

My own step mother has been a great confidant for me over the years--even if I didn't agree with her or made my own decisions in the end. I think your job mainly is to talk to her, and ensure that she knows what the possible ramifications are for her actions. I am sure that she only sees whatever positive feedback she is getting right now for what she is doing and doesn't think that what she does on the web can hurt her, but it can. It is better in your position to come as a person who is concerned about someone they really care about and not a forbidding authoritarian. Because as you say where there is a will there is a way, she eventually has the ultimate responsibility for her actions.