Seeking Advice from Moms That Work Outside the Home!

I too am in the same boat. I have 4 kids and a husband that is equally untidy. I work because I have too financially and a cleaning service is not an option. I have had to let the house go sometimes. It was/is a very mentally challenging thing for me to do but I refuse to be up past midnight anymore. So my house may not look the showroom I would like it to but I get more rest and "me" time.

M.,

From just reading all the posts we have all experienced what you are feeling. My little one is only 1 and he is my first and only but I too started out this way. I work outside of home and what makes things a little more difficult is that I am a outside sales rep who visits animal hospitals all day so even after I get home I am not always finished with work. But what I have learned is that no one expects you to be a perfect or a superwoman. You get done what you can and what doesn't get done will get done the tomorrow. I too would stay up late and rise early trying to get everything done. My friends and family were always offering to help and I would refuse thinking that they thought I couldn't handle things but they just want to help so I let them. Organzing and making a to do list does help that keeps you from running around circles. I even have a dry erase board in the kitchen where I list chores for my hubby (a honey do list) and I have 2 stepchildren who we see on weekends who I have also enlisted to help do things like laundry and walking and taking care of the dog. (I wasn't asking them to do anything at first, but they love feeling helpful.)

All I can say is take a deep breath and remember you are only human and only 1 person.

Good Luck!!!

Hi M. and all other tired working mama's:
I too feel like I am in the same boat. I work full time with two kids and my hubby doesn't do as much as me either. All the advice here is great. I want to thank everyone for telling it how it is. It feels great to hear from other moms that feel the same way you do. I appreciate all of you moms!!

I have a family daycare so I do not work outside of the home but I still can understand where you are coming from.When my daughters were young I wanted the house to be perfect. I would mop the floors every other day, wash the down the kitchen cabinets and walls every week, dust every day, etc.. I had a list of what needed to be done everyday. I would do actvities with the children in the morning and as soon as they went down for nap I would start my cleaning routine until nap was over. Then I would play with the children until they went home,then make dinner and after dinner it was back to cleaning, doing laundry etc..Needless to say I was STRESSED!!!Well over the years I have learned that it is not important how clean my house is. I now do the basics and the floors only get mopped once a week. I get up in the morning and before the children start arriving I vaccuum and make the beds. I put a load of laundry in the wash and after the children go home I throw it in the dryer. Laundry does not always get put away, but at least it is clean! Because of the family day care the bathroom does get clean daily. I always wipe the shower down in the morning before I get out of the shower this way it never gets too dirty. I have decided what does not get done by 8:30 at night can wait until tomorrow. As for shopping I used to get up at 6:30 on Saturday to get it done and I didn't feel like it was taking up my whole weekend. When my girls got older they wanted to come with so it was a nice time together. As your children get older have them help. My girls were taught in JR. High how to do their own laundry. They have to do their own laundry and if they don't well they are the ones with nothing to wear. It is one chore that I know will get done.If they were boys it would still be the same. They have always been taught to clean up their own toys since they were 2. It is funny because I do not clean as much as I use to, but everyone still comments on how clean my house is. Take this time you have with your kids now and enjoy it. They are going to grow up so fast and you do not want to miss any of it. Your house will always be there to clean and there will always be something else to do, but your children are only young once. I have one who will be in college next year and the other one will be going in 2 years, it all happens so fast!! The time I have with my family is what is important not if my house passes the white glove test. Enjoy your family!!!

Welcome to real life! On top of this, you have the advantage of having a house cleaner come in, I can only dream of affording this. My question is, if a house cleaner IS coming in, why are you spending so much time worrying about the house? How old are your boys? Starting at about age two, we laid down strict rules and made the kids pick up after
themselves. I don't understand why panic the day before they come in - - aren't they supposed to be cleaning everything? The only thing I can see they might not do is dishes, and you can pay them to do that too if you want.

SO - it seems like you are bringing a lot of stress to your life that you really do not need.

In fact, it's stress that is difficult for all of us. I have had terrible issues with stress and have found that the best way to cope is to take care of YOU first. You have to take multi-vitamins, plus B vitamins EVERY DAY without fail. You have to exercise at least five times a week for 30 minutes. It could simply be walking at a fast pace. You will say, as I did, "I don't have time for that", and will make excuses, but the bottom line is something has to "go" in your schedule if you cannot make time to heal yourself from the regular ravages of stress. After a few weeks of exercising regularly and taking vitamins, I'd felt like my life had changed and I had experienced a miracle. I was better able to cope every day with the problems that were thrown at me.

There are days I still have stress - it is not going away - but if you eat right, take vitamins, and start exercising, you will see a huge difference. The benefit for me has been I have high blood pressure and horrible allergies (believe me, they haven't gone away), but I've gone from about 10 medications per day down to only 2.

So my advice is to first take care of yourself - get your stress under control by taking better care of your body. The things you are describing in your note are normal for all working mothers in my opinion. We are bombed with stress and have to learn to cope with it. It is non-stop whether you are a working mom or not, and it doesn't end until the kids turn 20, so hold on for the ride - - THIS is what parenting is about.

Get your husband to help more. You shouldn't have to beg. Send him to these responses to your note - have him read your note. Suggest to him that if it doesn't improve, you think you both might need to go to counseling to work through the stress in your lives - M., you should not be taking this entire burden on mostly by yourself. This is 2008 and things have changed. If you're expected to work full-time, you are not expected to do all the other stuff.

NOW - on a cleaning level. You cannot be obsessed with cleaning as a working mother. You will NEVER have time for it, and you particularly do not have time to be cleaning the night before the cleaning ladies come - that's just ridiculous. The house is the least important thing on your priorities, right?

Sit down and make a list of your most important priorities. My guess is they will be Yourself, Husband, Kids, Work, House. This is what my list says. If I'm not healthy, then I can't get this whole menagerie working every day. If my husband and I have a bad marriage and don't pay attn to each other, then the kids will be unhappy too - so the marriage/husband comes next in my mind, Kids - of course - they require daily and constant care like reading - washing - loving, THEN after all those things are met - THEN comes the house. Last on the list.

So when you think about stress levels, please go back and look at your personal list. Regularly. Decide you will take better care of yourself and you will work to ELIMINATE as much stress in your life as you can. That means the boys and the husband and the cleaning ladies have to do more.

I hope you haven't felt I am too harsh - - but life is never easy, so I just said it like I felt it.

I know you can get through this and survive - it doesn't seem like it now - but life is a beautiful thing once you get healthier and start coping with stress better.

Best of luck to you!

S

My children are 23 and 17. My 23 year old is in the service. I am now awake every night wondering if he is okay, where he is and if I'll see him again soon or ever. This is my nightmare. So, What I wouldn't give to go back to the same time as you in life when I was so worried about a clean house, picking up and doing everything. It isn't possibe. There is a poem out there, something about 'so quiet down cobwebs, quiet down dust cause babies don't keep.' Oh please, if you have obsessive compulsive disorder or something then get help for that. That is a condition (no not an insane person) where nothing is clean enough. They can wash over, over and over. Or something else. But if you just have to have a clean house stop yourself. I miss my son in the service and my older son is interested in his life and friends. You need to give yourself permission to enjoy this time now. Rewear some of your clothes if they don't smell. Hide things in tupperware bins. Do you entertain constantly that you have to have a perfect house? Go out instead. It is not worth it to give up the most special times you have with your babies. Many of us moms have had to work, some haven't. You have a lifetime after they grow up to clean, clean, clean. Oh I beg of you right now hug, hug, hug. And close your eyes to those stupid dust bunnies.

Hi M.,

All my children are grown, but I once was in your shoes - on top of everything else, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia back when they didn't know what Fibromyalgia was. So, I suffered with a LOT of pain and fatigue on top of having three very active children and an alcoholic husband. (Thank God he went into recovery early on in the marriage)

One thing that I learned was that no matter how hard I try, I am not SuperMom, SuperWife or SuperWoman... It was very hard for me to realize that I can get what I can get done and that is okay. Tomorrow is certainly another day. I had to learn to just accept what my best was - give myself a break in knowing that I DID wear a lot of 'hats' in my family and it is okay not to have everything as perfect as I wanted it.

Once, I gave myself permission to not freak out over everything, I made up a list of chores that needed to be done - I made them in lists - daily chores, every other day chores , weekly and monthly chores. I then made up a calender and listed all our names on there (even the youngest could pick up his toys) and assigned different tasks to everyone in the family - including the husband.

The kids were able to put stars on the 'chore chart' when they completed their chore - and we would celebrate at times by going to Dairy Queen to get an ice cream when all the chores were complete in a week. To make this even more special I didn't keep ice cream at home so going out for it would be really a special treat.

I knew a lot of moms when raising my family that thought I was being terrible for enlisting my children's help with the house - but in reality, what I was doing besides keeping my home manageable, was teaching my children how to keep their own homes clean when they grew up. My son keeps his home very neat - and he is 22! All the children could do laundry by the time they were in fifth grade, could cook an easy meal also - and they all would enter the yearly county fair with a specialty they had learned to cook that year. One year they each one Best of Show for a family bread recipe - with their age differences they were all in different categories, which made it really special to have them each have a blue ribbon.

Maybe it seems like a terrible thing to enlist the kids help - but you can make it fun - and a game - and it will help you and them. They will feel like they are an important part of the family and that they contribute and they will learn important life skills as well.

I hope some of what I have said helps..... I know I have no regrets about how I enlisted my children's help. They learned so much and are all now very responsible adults who know how to cook, clean, sew and do their own laundry! :)

Take care,
M.

HI M. ,
I was once in the same situation that you are except I worked 2nd and 3rd shift . Can we say walking zombie? First take a breath . You do not have to be superwoman . I read some saying awhile back about how a mom didnt have the house clean and dinner wasnt cooked on time etc. but the family has a lot of love . Just a little time management is all you need. I got great advice- take a notebook and make your to do list the night before . So when you go to bed at night you are not going over and over what needs to be done - causing your stress. You need to schedule time for your self in there whether you go out with friends or just go for a walk . If you take time to exercise and eat healthy - take a multivitamin you will see a big difference in your energy level . I made the mistake of always drinking coffee to keep going and eventually that stops working as well .

I have three girls - I can relate to constantly being in demand . I have been a customer of a health and wellness company for over 5 years and I have decided to work from home partnering up with them . I do not want to go back to work outside of the house . The price of gas would just eat me alive . Prioritize your career - are you doing it to pay bills ? can you cut back in your spending to stay home ?( If you are ever interested in hearing what I do maybe that could help you have more flexibility in your schedule? no pressure just trying to help others stay home with their families. )I am looking for moms just like me who want to team up and make a change to help be home with the kids .

Shay Snyder
www.workathomeunited.com/shay

Hi M.,

I can definitely understand how you're feeling. I'm married with two children 5 and 3. I used to have a full-time job but recently got laid off...the corporate world right! But I felt like you. There's so much to do and sooooo little time. I remember the days when my first child was an infant. I used to go to work, come home, cook, clean a little, wash AND dry AND fold the clothes and have time for myself and hubby. Now with 2 kids at their ages, I'm good to wash AND dry clothes, but they won't get folded for a couple of days! Think of it this way, there's only so much we can do in one day. I don't cook everyday (usually 3 days a week and those meals yield leftovers). I told my hubby that "it's against my religion to cook on Fridays and Saturdays" LOL. As women we do tend to try to take on everything at once...even when we have wonderful spouses/significant others in our lives. It's just in our nature. If what you don't do today really going to suffer if hold off and do it tomorrow? I doubt it. Do you have friends or family who will watch your boys a couple times of month to give you a breather? As women I think we tend to put everything and everyone on the front burner and we stay on the back holding on and barely simmering. When we have kids, that pretty much becomes the stories of our lives, but if we don't take care of ourselves and give ourselves a break, what kind of story will we be telling then...one of stress, sickness, fatigue. Then who would really step in to do all the wonderful things we do...no one can do it quite like us. So I say at any given opportunity you have to rest, relax, de-stress...take it and don't feel bad about it...YOU DESERVE IT! Take care and I hope that thru all the wonderful responses you've received that you're able to find greater peace and balance. From one Mom to Another :)

You are not crazy. You are tired. Any man or woman that tried to work a full time job and come home and do a full time job would be exhausted to. Those are just the facts.

I know you say you can't afford to stay home, but I would wager that you could if you were willing to sacrafice a few things. My husband and I manage to keep it floating on just his income and I babysit for a neighbor. We don't make much, but it works. We shop at Aldi, Woodman's and Costco for groceries. We only buy clothes on clearance and that isn't often. We don't eat out much at all. We don't have cable (great for our kids because they are much smarter without that brain-drainer in the house, they behave better, they don't ask for every little thing they see on tv...and we save bundles of money), I don't have a cell phone and my husband's is through his work, we buy very little on credit, we use our federal tax returns to pay our property taxes, we use my husband's bonuses for a wish list we made up to get things for the house or pay for activities for the kids.....

It is possible. Most people just can't see past all the niceties they buy. You have to start thinking about what you need and what you want. Your children will not suffer because they don't have the latest games, cable tv, a cell phone and so on. They will benefit a lot more from a rested mommy that has time for them, they house the live in, and maybe even some time spent at their schools volunteering.

Speaking from experience it is worth the sacrafices. And there a whole lot of sacrafices that have to be made. It gets a little depressing at times, but it is worth it.

Now if you just can't see how all that can be done, then why not consider working part-time...and make some of the sacrafices.

And if that isn't an option, then you will need to find ways to relieve some of your stress...
1.) give the boys chores...if they are in school, they are old enough to help out. They will need to clean their rooms everynight before they climb into bed. They should put their clothes in the hamper, put their toys away and so on.
2.) They can clear the table after dinner. They can even help unload the dishwasher...my two (five and three) do that. They can put napkins on the table, silverware, drinks and so on for dinner time.
3.) They can empty the trashcans from the bathrooms on Saturday mornings. They can pick up any stray toys around the house and put them away. They can help in the yard.
If you have the whole family help out on Saturday morning then the rest of the day is for you all to do something relaxing and fun. Spend the rest of the day at the park with a bucket of KFC.
4.) You will need to keep a pad by your desk to write down things you need to do and keep track of. Then keep the pad handy at home too so that hubby can look at the list and pick things off to do for you each day. When I taught school I would think of things in the middle of the day that needed to be done...and I would write it down... each day I left I put the pad in my bag and checked it periodically when I got home to make sure I got things done and didn't forget.
5.) Make yourself a check list for every day of the week. The whole family can help you accomplish different household tasks that need to be done each day...then you can all sit down at bedtime and relax...read some stories and just talk or goof around a bit.
6.) Tell your husband that you are going to get to bed by a certain time so you can get enough rest. Tell him that you need him to come home, ask you what needs to be done, and then if you both work as a family and a team...you can both go to bed at a decent time and feel rested. He seems like a pretty agreeable guy according to your post...so make a plan and work it.
7.) Make a menu for about four or five weeks one afternoon that includes a shopping list that you will need for a weeks worth of meals. Then each day you will know what you are going to cook and will know you have the items you need on hand. Cook extra during those times to freeze so that on the crazy days or just too tired days you can pull something out of the freezer. Lasagna, soups, stews, and things like that work well.

You can't do it all. You are not superwoman...though society likes to tell us we can do it all. That I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan commercial from the 70's and 80's was a crock of bull. Why do you think heart attacks is on the rise among women?

You have to either give up the job and concentrate on your family which will take much sacrafice and big gaps in the lifestyle you are accustom to.

or

You will need to go part-time and that will take some sacrafices too.

or

You will need to engage your family like never before, make plans, get organized like never before....and give yourself permission to slack sometimes. You can't do it all, you can't keep up with it all, and you are literally destroying your health trying.

Good luck! and I'll put you in my prayers. It is tough no matter what you decide because you will always be torn by the lack of stuff you can't afford or the lack of time you spend with your kids or the condition of your home....It is a situation that will try your patience that's for sure.

I will add to the suggestions given :)

I have a one task per day rule - so on Mondays, it's cooking for the week, on Tuesdays, it's the bathrooms, Wednesday - bedlinens get changed, bedrooms done. We also have a home cleaning service that does the major stuff every other week so if I am certain to keep up the other days, nothing gets too bad and everything gets done. My husband doesn't help with most chores, but he does pay the bills - (actually he is the messiest of the bunch!) so you're lucky your hubby can and does help out with lots of things. Assign a task a day to his schedule :)

Mornings, I bring that day's laundry to the laundry room so when I walk in the door from work, 1 - 2 loads get started and done per day.

Involve the kids whenever you can - mine are great about matching socks, folding small towels, emptying the dishwasher's clean utensils, etc. They are 3 and 4 and also are into the routine of putting their coat/shoes, on their "school chair" they help empty their lunch boxes, etc.

I try to get up before the kids (5:30) to shower and get a few things done, (they rise between 6-6:30). I have their lunches packed the night before, their clothes picked out for the day and on their school chair, etc to make the mornings easy (My husband leaves before me so all kid related stuff falls on me in the am) I also try to get to bed around 10 since sleep is important for our health.

Hey M.,
I am a mom to a almost 5yr old son and 18mo old daughter. I work full-time and go to school part-time. I am lucky to have a wonderful support system. My husband is very supportive. We have certain tasks that we do on certain days of the week. We do a load or 2 of laundry every day, so that it doesn't pile up and get behind. We clean certain rooms during certain days of the week. Lucky for me my husband is home 2 days and then is gone for 24hrs, so a lot can get done. I would suggest getting rid of the caffeine, it only makes things worse. I also use my lunch break as some time to get the bill paying done or some errands done or I do my homework.

I am tired too, i get up at 7 in the morning with the kids, get my son ready for school, play with them until its time to leave, hang out with my daughter, get her to her nap, and then I get some time in with my homework, shower, pick my son up from school, and go to work. I get off at midnight and come home and got to bed around 2. I take an hour a day for myself going to the gym to blow off steam and get some energy, which helps. I also have a night once a month, that i go out for a girl's night out.

Just try and have some mommy free time when u can, it helps..

Hi M.,

Hearing your story makes me feel like I was reading my life. I am 37 have one 4 year old and work full time outside the house. I finally had to let things go a little bit at home. I am a wreck because of it though, I am anxious because my house is not picked up. I too feel like I am on a constand treadmill. Plus my husband and I have been trying to have another baby for two years now and have had two miscarriages. It's been rough and I too wish I could stay home and clean up my house. I guess I don't have real good advice other than your not alone! Like I said I did let the house go, I suppose it's not horrible, but I was not raised this way! I was raised in a house that you could eat off the floors...I wouldn't reccomend it in my house. Anyway, I feel your pain and you are not the only one. I am not super mom, and I am not killing myself to become one.

Good luck!

I have a 2.5 yr old with another one due in a month, and I work full time.

First, there are some great tips in these suggestions that I plan on using!

I used to be a total perfectionist when it came to keeping my house clean, but I've gotten over it. I agree with the woman who wrote about clutter - it helps me to always have my kitchen counters cleared, junk mail goes in the recycling bin before it ever comes into the house, etc. Also, delegating. The hubby is in charge of dry cleaning, anything regarding the dog, vacuuming every week (although we ALWAYS have to remind him to do it).

I have separate dirty clothes baskets for towels, white, dark, lights, and I do laundry as soon as a basket is full vs. doing all laundry in one day. I was so proud of that idea :)

The biggest thing, though, is letting go and not letting the perfection thing make you insane. I decided life is too short and that I'll never get a medal for a perfectly pristine house. Of course, all this being said, now that the sun is out longer, I can see those dust bunnies under my entertainment center and they will be gone before I go to bed tonight!

Good luck!

M.,

I have two boys, also (almost 3 and 8 months). I work out of the home full time and I have some suggestions for you:

1) Give up the caffiene, it's just a temporary jolt and the crash will make you more tired.

2) I pay my bills at work during my lunch hour and most of my bills are paid automatically from my checking account. ComEd, Cable/Phone/Internet, Mortgage, Car payment, Gas Bill. The rest I pay online. I only write like 2 checks a month for those that don't have online billing.

3) I do one load of laundry every day. I throw it in the wash in the AM, move it to the dryer when I get home and then hubby or I will fold it while the boys are in the living room playing. This way I do not spend hours at a time just moving laundry. I save Saturdays for the bed sheets.

4) I bought a Roomba vacuum and it has helped a lot. I let "Roombie" out in the AM and he vacuums my kitchen. I have two large dogs and he even does a great job with the hair.

5) Many will probably suggest flylady.net, but I've never used it. It's supposed to have awesome ideas to get things done more productively.

6) Is it time to Spring Clean and de-clutter? I hate clutter and I don't save things at all. My mom is a pack rat and I hated it growing up. I don't have many things on my counter and I don't let the mail pile up.

7) I go home during lunch and power-clean sometimes. I get SO much done when I'm by myself.

8) I make ME TIME a priority. I was at dinner last night with my sister for 3 hours. I feel so refreshed after a night away or an afternoon shopping alone.

Most importantly, relax. Just take a deep breath and realize that there are more important things in life than having a perfect looking house. I say that, but I'm obsessed about it myself. A messy house makes me unhappy. BUT, I go to bed at 10pm. My boys are in bed at about 8/8:30 and I do sit and relax with hubby and watch TV, mess around on the laptop or whatever. During commercials, I'm up and cleaning. I can't help it. But I don't mind it.

I hope you can find a way to get some time in for yourself and find some peace. Best of luck...

How old are your boys? Can they help with pick up and keep things tidy, toys, shoes, take out garbage? It sounds like you have to do the mad dash to clean before the cleaning company comes which is frustrating. I bet the house looks great until everyone gets home and then by dinner it is a disaster. I am guessing from experience. 1st you have to let go of the perfect Martha Stweart world, Moms have messy houses. Get the kids to help pick up the little stuff, get them a tote to keep stuff in. 2nd you have to get rid of some stuff, it is some much easier to keep things tidy. 3rd have a chart for the family. Try and have some time for yourself and relax. It is too easy to burn out. Good luck

Maybe this is a small thing, but I read a book that helped me not be so frantic about the cleaning in my house, and the messiness of my life in general. The book was actually in the lactation room at work, and I'm really glad it was! It's called A Perfect Mess: The Hidden Benefits of Disorder. And it kind of helped me put in perspective the "mess" of my life, and helped me go with the flow a little more. As I said, it's no miracle cure, and won't help you get more sleep, but it did help me accept that messiness (both in my house, my scheduling, and life in general) is OK, and that maybe our culture is a little too anal about that sort of thing. It was helpful for me to put things in perspective.

Good luck. I know that working while parenting is really difficult, and I hope that life gets a little more balanced for you.

Hi M.. You've gotten a ton of responses so if mine is a repeat of any...sorry. I just can't read through them all. First off, I can feel your tension just by reading your request. I know (all of us moms know) how it feels to be overwhelmed. I am a stay-at-home M. and believe me, the stress doesn't change. We still have the "pressure" of getting everything done, playing with the kids (because we're home all day and we have time to do that, so others would say :) ) Kids totally make chores 3x harder and longer than what they should be. One distration and those dishes that would've taken 10 minutes to do (no dishwasher :( ) turn into a 30 minute chore.
So, with that I've come to the conclusion that it's our "attitude" and "outlook" that makes the difference. You know, some one once made this statement and it has stuck in my head ever since. They said "Are you going to want your children to remember you by the investment of time you spent with them? Or do you want them to remember you for always having a clean house and putting all your time towards that?"
That's so true! Your kids want your attention most of all and I know your deep cry is to spend time with them. So, follow the tips that the others have sent you and try to get a system going throughout the week. Remember that although you take pride in your home-no one is peeking through your windows making sure that it's all done. No one is keeping track of us like we think they are. And if you have to remind your husband to do some of the duties he's responsible for then that shows the housework isn't a stresser as it is for you-meaning he doesn't mind if things aren't done "quick fast and in a hurry." Gone are the days where men expect their wifes to have it all done with a smile on their face by the time they come home. Most husbands now-a-days just don't see it that way anymore. But more power to the moms that can pull that off! So, please, don't invest too much importance in your home. Yes, it's a priority but your kids need a M. who knows the balance between quality time with them and keeping the house "decent" not perfect. Hope you've experienced some relief already and take time to enjoy the summer-you'll kids will thank you later!
Jenny

M.,

I feel your stress because my life is very similar, I'm married with 3 kids and work full time. You have to let some things go, it's okay. I would love to have a picture perfect home, and I do try but I have just about given up on that idea. As far as suggestions, I'll share with you 2 things that I find to be very helpful. 15 minute rule - that means that last 15 minutes before the kids go to bed, everyone in the house has to pickup and cleanup something. Also, most times, I prepare my kids clothes for the entire week on the weekend. This cuts down on my stress in the morning. I hope you find these things helpful. I would like to encourage you that it will get easier. It sounds like you have small children. As they get older you will be able to shift some a lot of these chores to them full time. Stay encouraged...Remember we're not robots and can't do it all.

I am a full-time working mom of a 6-month old girl. My husband works out of town for weeks at a time, so I am basically a single mom at those times and when he's back, his return disrupts all of our "routines", so life is hectic! I recommend using all of your "resources". Beg (favors), borrow (your nieces, nephews, neighbors' teenagers to help with chores or babysitting while you do chores) and steal (time, whenever you can) to get the chores or things you want to get done done, with the goal being to MAKE time for yourself at the end of the day. If you have enough money to hire help, do so. You need to rest if you want to live well, and you know that already. That said, I'm going to bed (and hope my 6-month old doesn't get up every few hours, as she tends to!)

You are fretting an awful lot. If you have a cleaning service, why so much work? Honestly, it is about choices. No one can do it all, or, everything starts to unravel. Why is having a spotless house so important. If that is toping your list, then, yes, spend the weekends cleaning the house like the rest of us who play catch-up too! If it isn't top priority, let it go already! Don't fret! Even stay at home moms are so busy with their children and all that encompasses running a household that they, too, have to let somethings go. Your children will not care that the house was immaculate or that their favorite socks were at their disposal. They will care that you rollled the ball across the floor. They remember the time you spent with them. Not the cleaning, laundry or anything. It will get done, but there will always be a pile!

I raised 2 kids alone it is a lot of hard work. I guess the good thing is your house is a "mess" as you perceive it. I know lots of parents who have kids as a "mess". Having a cleaning lady and a husband who helps and supports you emotionally is really a lot of help. If you are still not happy I think you should see a therapist to work out the "clean" issue and let you learn to relax and enjoy your life and your family. The years pass much too quickly. I am happy to say that I have memories of my kids at different sporting events, school things, vacations and day trips. I can't remember the dust but I can remember the smiles and laughs we had. I hope that one day you can look back at your life and the great times you had with your family rather than looking back and saying "but I had a clean house"....

Learn to let go... my house is not nearly as clean as I want it to be. However... I realized that a good night's sleep makes me a happier teacher, a better mom and a more enjoyable wife. Do I get annoyed with spending part of my weekend cleaning? Sure, but it's how things go with small children. As I tell my students, myself and sometimes my husband, I can't always wear my superman cape. Will the world as I know it stop spinning if my kitchen floors aren't immaculate and my bathroom cleaned twice a week? As soon as I became a mom (20 month old energetic son, 8 months pregnant with #2), I realized that I had to drop my standards. Is my house showcase ready for Better Homes and Gardens? no. Is it condemned? no. It is tidy, it is neat and I'm a better mom and wife for realizing that it's impossible to adhere to the standards I had prior to have children.

This is meant in a loving way....

You have the disease of PERFECTIONISM. You are making yourself crazy when everything around your house isn't "perfect". Investigate what you think that means to you. Do you think if your house is always straight then that means you're a good Mom? A good wife? Having it all? The fact is without a lot of extra money and extra help it's not possible. (If you've got the dough to spend then yes, bring the cleaning service in every week and someone else 3 times a week to do laundry and housework.)

The only thing in this situation that you can control is your emotions about the house not being perfect all the time. You are in control of relaxing your standards.

Try the book "Never Good Enough" by Monica Ramirez Basco.

You will infect your entire family with your madness. There's a way to harness the benefits of perfectionism without making you all crazy.

Good luck!
E.

I work and have three kids and no one does it all and does it perfectly! That is a myth. I applaud you for spending the time you do with your sons. I have a teenage daughter and I never look back and think "Man, I wish I spent more time cleaning instead of playing with her when she was little." So, my first advice is to stop being so h*** o* yourself and let your quest for perfection go.
But, I know this is easier said than done. So, here's some more practical advice. I like the book "Confessions of a Happily Organized Housewife" by Denise Schofield in which she outlines many ways to stay on top of housework, paperwork, etc.
One idea is to make a list of all the chores you want to have done weekly, monthly, yearly, etc. Then break that down and basically have a chore list for every day of what you (and your husband) will do. Keep it short and doable. Then you only do what's on the list for that day. Anything else (unless it is an emergency) waits for another day because it is not your job for that day (This can be very freeing because it is so easy to look around and see 25 other things that need to be done).
I also suggest you set yourself a bedtime and stick to it, so that you are getting 7-8 hours of sleep at night. Nothing can deteriorate your mental and physical health more quickly than lack of sleep.
Finally, I found this little ditty on a plaque and have it hanging in my front entryway, so anybody entering is forewarned about my priorities: "Excuse This House. Some houses try to hide the fact that children shelter there, Ours boasts of it quite openly the signs are everywhere. For smears are on the windows, little smudges on the door; I should apologize, I guess, for toys strewn on the floor. But, I sat down with the children and we played and laughed and read; And, if the doorbell doesn't shine; their eyes will shine instead. For when at times I'm forced to choose the one job or the other; I want to be a housewife, but first I'll be a mother."
Best of luck to you!

I've read through the other bits of advice you've received, and second the concept of trying to let go... that being said, if you are overwhelmingly fatigued, you should rule out a medical cause. When was the last time your thyroid was checked? Depression which often goes hand in hand with anxiety also can lead to symptoms of fatigue. Check in with your doctor and see if something other than lifestyle changes may be helpful as well.

I think the first thing is to let go and recognize that everything will not get done and that is okay. The house doesn't have to be totally in order. Depending on their ages, you may want to get the boys to put away their toys themselves before they go to bed. If you can afford it, get a cleaning person either on a regular basis or as a special treat - maybe a memorial day special.
I don't know if you iron - I know my mother is a ironing maniac and she complains all the time about how much she has to do. But if she gave up on ironing the sheets and sent my dad's shirts out to be pressed, she would have hours of extra time.
I would look at all the things that you are doing and work out which ones can get ditched.
Also, since you have a husband, see if one of these upcoming weekends, he can mind the kids on saturday morning and you lie in, read your book, nap - whatever it is that helps unwind. a little break is so rejuvenating.

Hi, first of all, what you are experiencing is Mommy Guilt. You never feel you're doing enough and what you're doing isn't good enough. You have to stop this and KNOW that you are doing an exceptional job. Here's how you can judge.
1. Are your boys happy?
2. Would DCFS come in and take them away?
If the answers are yes to 1. and no to 2. then you are okay. Just pace yourself and learn to live with a little mess. Keep playing with your children and making sure they are happy. You don't want to spend their younger years worrying about how inadequate you are, then you'll just miss out on the good stuff. When I complained about my clingy son, people gave me good advice like make simple meals, maybe Hamburger, Tuna and Chicken helper a couple of nights. My family love this stuff because I add fresh veggies in and onions and bell pepper, it makes a difference. Frozen meals like Encore and Tyson are good and quick as well. And don't forget Crockpot cooking. You can cook while you are at work and you and the boys can take a walk outside after work instead of you fiddling with food all night.
Then, and forgive me, use paper plates and cups. After dinner, just throw everything out!! You'll feel better. Not styrofoam, because we don't want to add to the pollution of the earth, but paper. It will help so much with cleanup and you'll be relieved.
My son doesn't go out to fancy places all week, so we just throw him on the same thing if it isn't filthy. Sometimes it is, but just pick out 7 outfits for the week and have them handy and throw them on. Make Sunday evening wash day.
Lastly, you are doing a great job. I have to work to help support my family as well, but it will help you appreciate the time you do spend with them and it will make it more meaningful. Good luck.

M.,
Believe me, you are not alone! We working moms have all felt that way! I know many folks have already given advice, but one thing that I've found helpful is to just take a minute or two to pick up/clean up at the time the mess happens. That old adage, "A place for everything and everything in its place" does work. A quick swipe with a rag after using the sink takes 30 seconds, but makes it shine and prevents the messes of water hanging around. I know it's difficult and it's especially hard to train the guys (I also have 2 now-grown sons). One thing that I did that helped was to give them chores to do from the time they were about 3. Simple at first, and then more complex. Every birthday they get to choose an additional chore from a list to add to their Saturday regimen. I taught them to do their own laundry (unsorted in cold water) from the time they could reach the controls, which I tagged with stick-on dots to show them the settings to use. This was so they will not grow up to be helpless, hopeless men! Enlist the kids to help because it is a "grown-up" thing to do!
Also, even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom to do it, take a few minutes here and there to just be calm, breathe deeply and try to remember things you are thankful for--like those two wondrous boys!
I'm not saying my life is perfectly neat and clean--far from it--but I guess I've learned to live with a few dust bunnies as long as they don't jump out and attack the guests. You are so right to spend time with the kids first. They can't wait. mess can! Good luck!
L. B.

M.,

Wow! you sound like you are about to break. I can honestly relate. But that is history now that I have my own home based business. I am a rep for a state of the art health & wellness company that is soaring. During the last 3 years of a rotten economy, our company sales have grown over 350%. 87% of people who try our product reorder month after month. I can show you how to change your life.

Think about this, if nothing changes in your life today, will you be happy with the "you" in 5 years? If not, I can show you in 20 minutes how to change that picture within 5 years. also, 95% of the people who join our company and stay with it for 5 years, are at the top of the earning level. This is a tremendous company. Our CEO won CEO of the year by Earnst and Young in 2006. Lets talk!

M.
Remember you are not wonder woman. Yes we want our house to be perfect but we need to be realistic about it. You need your sleep. A very wise woman told me that a house that is not perfect all the time is a home filled with love, a home with a mother who know that her children are ore important than a little clutter. She then advised me to engage my children and husband in a good conversation and while we are talking we all do a little house work together, pick a a different room each time and it is amaing how quickly things are in thier place and how much you learn about each other and the extra time to sit down and play is wonderful..I started that when my kids were 3 years old they are now 20 and 23 and we still do it. It made us a very close family and it makes house work quick and not seem as such a chore,

Good luck and remember you are no good to your self or your family if you are too tired and become ill from lack of sleep...

My mother was a cleaning nut. My sister roped off her living room to keep it clean. In the long haul, it did not make them any better a person. Keep things in perspective. I learned that what doesn't get done today will get done tomorrow, or the next day. I keep a clean house but I don't panic any more if the newspaper is still on the table or the dishes get done the next morning. What is important is the time spent with your kids and husband. Supermom died back in the 70's. You deserve your career and your family benefits from the income. Do the best you can and let the rest go.

Hi, I wish I had some miracle advice. I just wanted you to know that you are not crazy! I think balancing work and home is nearly impossible! I have often wondered how people do it and so I wanted you to know you are not alone. I have come to the conclusion that I have to accept that my house is basically going to be a mess. I have to keep it healthy and obviously not a constant disaster, but it is not going to be perfect. My kids are only young once and I have to try and grab that time with them when I can. I have found that if I stress myself too much I don't enjoy my time with the kids or anything else. It is not ideal but something has to go and I decided it was my house. Good luck, and just trust in knowing that I definitely understand!

I have worked outside the home fulltime for 29 years and also raised 3 kids. I did use a women who came in cleaned my house on a weekly basis when the kids were small.
1. I stopped trying to clean before the cleaner
2. I did take a little bit of time for me in the evening. It is okay for the kids to have some time playing and not just be playing with you in the evening as long as you know that they are safe and you can see what's going on.
3. It is good for the kids to have some Dad play time.
4. It was a very simple life - eat, sleep, play, go to work
5. You don't mention if grandparents or aunties or uncles are around and would also like to have some time with your little ones so you can get a short break?
6. Everybody takes afternoon nap on the weekends?
7. Learned the hard way that house does not have to be passing the "white glove cleaning test"...it may be more important to get more sleep than to have a perfect house
8. Is working part time an option?
9. Is taking 1/2 day off just for you an option?
10. I agree it is a very tough schedule. You have my sympathy. I believe you are doing a great job with your kids and your spouse (getting him to help). My spouse does the grocery shopping and makes some of the meals and would deliver our kids to daycare while I used to bring them home from daycare and do the laundry. I run laundry during the week to avoid spending Saturday on this. We make up meal plans a whole week ahead and crockpot of spaghetti or chili to have multiple meals from one crockpot (freeze the leftovers and have them for dinner on a different night).

you need to hire a professional organizer first and a cleaning lady second...

join our mom's group if you need to vent...

____@____.com

i work full-time, but have a flex schedule.

perhaps a flex schedule would help you?

It is an awful feeling! I work from my home (which is a huge blessing) but I'm salaried and work from 8:30 to 5:30 everyday. I have to squeeze in 2 separate trips to school (my kindergartner is a 1/2 day and I've got a full day 1st grader). I end work make dinner spend time with the kids and bathe them and put them to bed. My husband is a dream come true because he helps out so much, but I don't think I can handle it all if it were't for the nanny. I have 3 girls, 2, 5, and 6. I've got a nanny that comes in with her daughter everyday to watch the 2 year old everyday and the 5 & 6 year old when they are home from school. She helps out with the cleaning, picks up after the kids even does some laundry. Then I have a cleaning lady come in every 2 weeks. It sounds spoiled, but it leaves our weekends for family. A suggestion would be if you are happy with the daycare. See if there is a high school kid in the neighborhood or college kid you know and just see if they would be willing to help around the house. Just 2-3 days a week 2 hours at a time, give them a key (assuming it is someone you know) and leave them a list. I've had a lot of difficultly with the super mom syndrome. It is hard to release that control, but it is such a huge benefit when you do! Good luck!

M.,

Yes, I can totally comiserate...I am 37, married almost 10 years, mother of 4 kids ages 7, 6, 3 and 2. It is mostly positive to work BUT the fact is, you have 2 full-time jobs, and you always will I am afraid, so long as you continue to work.

Not sure I have a solution for you my friend...I am constantly re-assessing if it is "worth it" esp since every weekend I am exhausted, but for now, I am holding on till summer...I plan to quit at the end of the school year (I teach 4th grade by the way.)

My advice is: look at your sincere intention and be honest with yourself...why do you work? Is it really financially IMPOSSIBLE to live without your salary? Does your husband insist? What is at the priority of your life? My mom always advised me in this way....you can always go back to work... you can never back your children's childhood days...

Take care,
Hilarie

M.,

You note having a soft drink. How many of them do you have daily? How many cups of coffee? How much caffeine and phosphorous are you ingesting? Our society has led us away from eating foods as grown and encourages us to think that fast foods and processed foods make our lives more thrilling and convenient. You may want to consider moving away from animal products, including dairy, and toward a lifestyle which provides immense new energy for those who decide to eat much more like much of the rest of the world. The sad fact is that medicine in America has little to do with health. If you have time to read an interesting book, try "The China Study" by Dr. T. Colin Campbell, an extraordinary researcher regarding nutrition and lifestyle.

We're part of a lifestyle program and have been for nearly 8 years. I was a deptuty public health administrator for in Illinois' second largest health department for nearly two decades. I learned more about health in retirement than during all those years. We now facilitate healthy lifestyle programs. Forget any advertisement which tells you what you "deserve" and steers you toward the latest medications. There is sanity available, but it doesn't come from agri-business or corporate greed.

Us moms are amazing creatures aren't we?!? I worked with my first and yes the housework and laundry piled up until I spent a little money: I found a wonderful in home daycare that feed my son breakfast, lunch and dinner ALL homemade. (If you need a referral, write me back)This sooo helped with the stress of feeding the little guy. I was always able to make do with something light because I ate larger lunches, same with my husband. I had a cleaning lady once a week, yup it cost more but was worth every cent of time it saved me. I bought a front load washing machine (I had a top loader with the agitator in the middle), I could now do double the loads in half the time. I snuck in grocery shopping on my way home, if I couldn't find the time, I ordered from Peapod. I had my mom help babysit once a week so I could get all the running around errands done. The house wasn't perfect (still isn't and won't be until they're are both in college)
Bedtimes are important, never get them in later than 8:30, preferably start the bedtime routine the moment after dinner. I throw both boys in the tub, get the pjs on. They get a little playtime and bam BEDTIME! Hall-le-lu-yer! Now comes me time...usually wasted on the internet like eBay when my favorite shows aren't on. Get a DVR if you are like me, addicted to Desperate, Greys, Dancing and Idol, then you can watch everything in peace when you can without commercials YIPEE! I also got sucked in to buying a bunch of scrapbooking stuff...I don't know where people find the time, haven't touched any of it yet (again, maybe when they are in college).
My husband time usually gets squeezed in during the week, but these things mentioned above, freed me up for quality family and husband time on the weekends.
Good luck!
PS- Does anyone actually LIKE cleaning?
PSS- Happy Anniversary!

Hello,

I am a working mom also. Married for 9 years today too! It is very hard to juggle everything for me too. Unfortunately, sometimes I just leave the housework and laundry and try to get caught up on the weekends. For now I think that's how it has to be otherwise, I'll be pooped. I make it a point to get to bed by 10:30, 11 the latest. I also have my daughter, she's 5 now, help with the laundry. She started by helping to put things away and now she helps us fold it. We do it all together, that way it goes faster. I am not sure how old your kids are but if they can help even a little, it helps. Also, sometimes I just say, ok I am only doing this for 30 minutes - while the kids are still awake - after 30 minutes, I stop. I have a 6 month old baby too, so it gets hard, but I think that's just how it has to be, sometimes it gets done, sometimes not. It will never be picked up all the time, and it took me a long time to realize that. I don't like it, but I have accepted it. Hope this helps!
Happy Anniversary!
S.

M.,

Congratulations on 14 years of marriage! It sounds like you guys have a good marriage and try to work together best you can.

I empathize and sympathize with you. My husband and I have been feeling the same way for many months. Stressed out and tired...with little time or motivation to exercise or spend quality time together. I don't know about you, but we have no family or many friends where we live; therefore, all things rest on our shoulders. We work pretty well together, but we have a tendency to overburden ourselves...this was true even before our daughter was born a little over a year ago.

My husband and I work at a university and have a student that comes to do the deep cleaning occasionally (probably need to have her come more regularly) and try to work together to get the normal upkeep done during the week. We usually end up going to bed around 1030pm or 11pm completely exhausted. We both work one evening a week and I work Sat. mornings and many times he works Sat. afternoons. Consequently,we are pretty relaxed about housework on the weekends.

I try to remember that my time with family is most important, but it can be extraordinarily stressful at times. My recommendations are those I need to take as well. Hire someone to help with cleaning and DON'T pick up before they come, find a place to connect with others (i.e.church) so you don't feel alone or find a mentor who can help you get thru the hard times, go to bed earlier even if you just lay with your husband a talk about your day at least a couple of times a week, try to exercise even if it is at your chair at work, and remember this is only temporary...life moves too fast to worry or be stressed out all the time.

Sincerely,

H.

First of all - Happy Anniversary. I too am a working mother, with only 1 child but my husband and I also own a successful neighborhood wine shop and wine bar - so life is very hectic.

I think you've gotten wonderful advice regarding how to handle the household issues but my humble opinion is that you also need some time for yourself. Even if it is dinner with a girlfriend, geting your nails done or just enjoying a cup of Starbucks while you read a book. You sound like a wonderful wife and mother who works really, really hard for your family but who, potentially, has forgotten to take care of herself. I know that the guilt of taking even more time away from your family may prevent you from spending a little time on yourself, but I firmly believe a happy mom makes for happy kids. Best of luck to you.

If you are not getting to bed until midnight, you are doing too much. It's that simple. I don't know what you can cut out, but cut out something. I have 5 kids and work full-time and I'm not nearly as tired as you describe, so I know it can be done. And you have a cleaning person, which I have never had! I like that you say you spend time playing with your kids - that's the right choice, and lots of people never figure that out.

What you need to do is streamline your procedures. Chances are someone told you there is a "right" way to clean/pick up/do laundry etc. Wrong. Do it fast, not perfectly. Laundry-I do it once a week. You should not be doing laundry every night, nor cleaning every night. Vacuuming and dusting can be done once a week; those probably should be done on weekends. Cleaning bathrooms can be done very quickly - there are books and articles on how to do this.

But the main thing with kids is the picking up. I suggest you rid yourself of ideas as to where everything should go. You can drive yourself crazy putting away every toy, every crayon, every article of clothing. What we do is use baskets for toys, art supplies, etc. We have them in various rooms and it makes picking up very quick at the end of the day. Eventually they have to be emptied out and gone through, but worry about that later. The main thing is to have the place picked up enough so you can have some breathing space and feel good living there, but not wasting your time running around like an insane person all the time. Another trick we have is that coffee tables are no longer for art books and vases. We put toys and books on them, in baskets. Sure, it looks messy sometimes, but it's their house too, and makes it so much faster to get the floor and couch etc. clear so the grownups can relax a bit at the end of the day.

As soon as they are walking, kids can help you pick up. You don't yell or fuss, you just tell them what to do; in fact you can make it a game. There used to be a TV show where a clown did what she called the "10-second tidy." They would show her picking up her toys, running it in fast-forward, but the point was it can be fun to pick up and does not have to take a long time. Forget about a perfect house and perfection in any form - you can't have it without exhaustion, but more importantly, you don't really want it, do you? You want a place that looks like you and your kids live there and have fun there. Working outside the home is not a death sentence. It is perfectly possible to do it and have a nice home. You have to be a lot more flexible. I hope you can do this, because you'll have a lot more fun when you do!!

Finally, I was not kidding earlier when I mentioned relaxing at the end of the day. That is an absolutely vital step and should not be skipped. You need some time to read, or listen to music, or watch mindless TV, or do a craft project - something that makes you feel happy. Half an hour is good; an hour is even better. Schedule this in because it's not just as important as laundry and picking up; it's MORE important. Then in that relaxed state, go to bed and NOT at midnight!

Hello M. V,

Sounds like you need a vacation:)

Well I just have to write- My Mother did all that, sometimes two jobs taking my brother and I on the weekends with her, without a cleaning service and being a single parent- my father barely made it to pick us up on his visitation days. She never got a break and never complained- she did however pray, talked to the the Lord and he gives us all strength. There is definately nothing wrong with feeling a little stressed, we all have our life stresses but the problems come in when we dwell upon them and don't give it to God to handle. Many people would wish to have your stress instead of not knowing how they will get dinner on the table for the family or something worse. Just be thankful and step back, enjoy life.
Hey- life is too short for you to let all that stuff get to you. And maybe you need to adjust some things and reprioritize. But you wrote you have been married now for 14 yrs. Congrats! that is an awesome accomplishment that you both should be dwelling on - think on how wonderful that is.

Dear M.,

I know where you are coming from. First of all, I applaud you for addressing your feelings instead of just continuing on the hamster wheel and letting it eat you up.

I hate to say this, no offense to younger moms, but I think that confidence comes with age. I hope to help younger moms speak out before it's too late.

I am a 42 year old mom with two young ones at home. They are 5 and 9 year olds. I just started home schooling them at home this year. This means that I quit working outside the home last June. It has been a wonderful experience that I never thought would feel that way. I feel so close to my kids now.

Anyway, what I'd like to share are two things:
1. I never thought it would be financially possible to stay home. I have realized it is possible. I just needed to want to do it bad enough. That's how it was for me, not necessarily for everyone. I have definitely needed to budget more and it's all worked out for the best.
2. The bad news is that I have had panic-attacks for the past few months. I believe these are a result of having been on the hamster wheel for so long. Our bodies eventually do rebel against us if we don't take care of them. I have stepped back and am trying to not make everything perfect, but it is hard. I want everything to be perfect, I want my kids to love me and be happy (and my husband too), and I want my house to be in order.
3. For me, I pray more. I give more over to God. And lastly, I pray more.

I hope my post can help someone. Panic attacks are no fun.

D.

Listen, it's hard work whether you work outside the home or stay at home. I am a stay at home mom and find it hard to get everything done every day. The house is always full of toys because I want the kids to play. It never seems clean and organized. I try to do all the bills, cleaning, shopping, playing with the kids. It's just never ending. Seriously stay at homes have the same issues. It's a long day being with kids, mine are 3 and 5. I just made a decision that it's not so important to have an impeccable house. I'll get to it when I can. Also, I will not stay up until midnight just to get things looking perfect. I feel it's more important to have a mom who is rested than a frazzzled mom , so I make sure I go to bed early enough to get my 8-9 hours in. that's what I need, you may need less. Give yourself a time to stop working and take some time for yourself. Maybe it's 10:30 then you take a bath. You need to do something nice for yourself everyday or you will feel like all you do is work. You deserve a break, be kind to you. I didn't see that you give yourself a workout or time with friends. It's all about balance . You are the most important person in the home. Remember, "if mamma aint happy aint no one happy." I read that somewhere. Housework will get done in time. Free yourself!! Hope you feel better.

There are some good ideas on here. I only work part-time out of the house and don't have a spotless place, but it's usually picked up and clean by the time my husband comes home. He does his own laundry - he does it his way and we didn't get married until he was 39, so, he was used to taking care of himself. So, he does his laundry, his dry cleaning, and is the main source of income. When I work, 3-4 evenings per week, he feeds the kids dinner and once in a while does dishes and cleans the counters - he does the cleaning part maybe once a week. At first, I would come home and feel guilty that he worked all day and came home and watched the kids and cleaned, but then, I decided that I didn't have to be the one who did all of the housework all of the time. I'm usually out of the house taking my kids to classes, the park, the library, etc. In the morning, we get up, bathe, and I make the beds and try to do dishes and wipe the kitchen counters down. On our way out the door, I take out trash, so that when we come back home from activities, I can do one main cleaning thing, then start dinner and read to or play games with the kids. When I dust, I have my 2 3/4 yr old and 4 yr old help. Also, after I sweep the floor, I get out damp, soapy rags and have my kids "spot clean the floor" while I'm wiping counters. I also give them baby wipes and have them wipe spots on cupboards. We make a game out of it. As far as toys go, I either sing the barney clean up song and start picking up a few to get them started, or say, okay, the one who picks up the most toys the fastest gets a prize. If they both join in, they both get a treat. Usually a small scoop of vanilla icecream makes them happy. In the morning after baths, I take everybody's dirty clothes to the hamper, then make the beds. I don't dust every day, but at least a couple of times a week. I have one stack for mail, but toss junk mail as I bring it inside. Billpay is all online - when I used to work full time before having my 1st, I did my bill pay at work, since it was online. When I was in the "work" mode, I prefered to knock bill paying out of the way. I did try peapod, but found it tooooo expensive. I take the kids with me to the grocery store - if I were working full time, I think I'd want to take my kids with - it can definately be more challenging, but I like the time spent with them. At Aldis where I do most of our shopping right now (almost 1/2 the price of jewel) you have to bag your own groceries - my kids get a kick out of helping. Good luck and thanks for posting - I'm going to use some of the ideas!

Hi, M.--these are times when I remind myself that these are the lives we designed!

A couple of thoughts. One is attributed to Thich Nath Hanh, a cambodian monk, who says "when you wash the dishes, wash the dishes," meaning that when you are work, be at work, when you are with your kids, be with your kids, and when it's time to do home stuff, do home stuff--worrying about one when you are doing the other only makes it even more stressfull!

As for the laundry, etc., a couple of thoughts--when Lucca, now 7, was really young, we only kept in daycare until 3 or so, and then we had a babysitter pick him up. It was better for him, because not so long of a day, plus, the babysitter was responsible for everything related to the child, which included doing his laundry, keeping his toys and room organized, and starting dinner! Not sure your financial situation, but it was $12 an hour and we had to guarantee 20 hours (we may have done 3 to 7 or 2:30 to 6:30 every day--to give time for me to get home from work, allow for traffic, etc.) and finish getting dinner ready.

The other thought is to have your cleaning service also do your laundry, too. Also, not sure how you get to work, but the year I took the train I balanced my checkbook and paid bills during the commute. You might be able to do that during lunch. Think about what makes you most happy. For me, I have to/and really want to work, but next is spending time with my child. So, think of it as your contribution to the economy by delegating (hiring someone to do) some of the other things that HAVE to be done but maybe no time (e.g. cleaning, laundry, etc.). We have a cleaning service every other week, my husband and I each do our own laundry, and I now do Lucca's laundry. And, he probably has a few more pairs of underwear and pajamas than he needs, but that means I don't have to do the laundry quite as often.

Oh my goodness, and we haven't even touched on romantic time with the husband...we try to do date night once a week, but we probably get out together more like a couple of times a month.

Good luck. By the way, Thich Nath Hanh's book is the Miracle of Mindfulness, in case you are interested.
D.

Please know that you are NOT alone! The best advice that I can offer is from a friend who is a Mom in her 40s and has survived breast cancer not once, but twice. Get out and enjoy life with your family and do nice things for yourself. Fit in the housework when you can, but don't plan life around housework - make it the other way around. Her message is that you may not have a perfect house, but you and your family will enjoy every day more!

I work at home with my two little ones at home with me, and my two oldest at school. I do not have any advice for you, since I feel the same way, but I'm glad I am not the only one. I hope you and I can find some peace and balance in this process!

Hello...Been there, and go there often...it is a revolving wheel!

My husband and I work full-time, and juggling the kids' schedules--school, daycare, activities, birthday parties--can be a challenge. We don't have a cleaning service, but there are times I seriously consider having someone come in to mop the floors! I really try to minimize the housestuff on the weekends, just to make sure there is some downtime. My husband also is good with doing housework, but not on a daily basis.

Some of the things we do to keep up with life and the dirt are:
1. I do a load of laundry four to five times a week--when it's warm, I put it in at 5:45am--go out for a 45minute walk, and then into the dryer while getting ready. If not, like others suggested, wash in the morning, and into the dryer right when we get home, so that we're not folding all night! No laundry on Saturday or Sunday--personal rule. If one of my boys (ages 5 and 8)wants something washed 'special,' I'll wash it with a load, but they're responsible for folding the whole load. My kids are responsible for getting dirty clothes to the hamper, and also responsible for putting their folded clothes in the drawers. They have been learning to fold laundry since they were three and four. My older is better than my husband!

2. Dusting---the kids can do it...tag team--one removes objects and wipes/washes; the other follows with dry rag and puts things back.

3. Everyone responsible for their toys/stuff. I also have the boys involved in any toy purges...we usually donate the toys to our church or to their daycare. They like seeing their things 'move on.' Plus it keeps the overhead down.

4. Dinner--wish I had a good answer for that. I have a few stand-by recipes, but when things are good, it's usually an improvised pasta dish, or chicken/steak and salad. I keep a few cheeses, as well as frozen chicken tenders and shrimp on hand--they cook easily and you can be creative. The kids occasionally get into the prep--I have them sit on the counter, dump things in the pot, stir, peel fruit, even cut veggies with a steak or paring knife--just teach them how to do it safely. They set the table. Some good days some bad days, but we try to keep fresh veggies and fruit available at dinner, to help compensate for the hot dogs, and chicken nuggets. Trying to be better about having the kids try the main course before moving on. At one time we had a rule that my husband was responsible for dinner on Mondays and Fridays...it could be anything/leftovers/etc, I just didn't want to have to think about 'dinner.'

5. Dishes--I have now gotten comfortable with not-rinsing before loading. They really do get clean. Plus then everyone can clear their own plates and put their dirty dishes directly in the dishwasher. Lately I have been known leaving the dishes for my husband.

6. Groceries--I have used delivery in the past, but I enjoy the monotony of walking around and picking things out. Plus it's good kid time.

As far as keeping up with the nitty-gritty of the house, I refer to the calendars noted below at justmommies.com. I used them for a few months, but then made my own compiled one and laminated it for the refrigerator. I do not follow it to the letter (an understatement lately), but it gives some direction for what you can do on a given day, for a few minutes, to help with the housework load. Here's the site:
http://www.justmommies.com/articles/home-organization-pla...

On the page, skim quickly past everything and below the big blue box there are some links to monthly .pdf files/calendars.

Schoolwork--My son sits on the counter and reads while I'm cooking dinner and/or we tag spelling words at the same time.

Good luck! There is no perfect answer to this dilemma, but just make some hard rules for yourself, especially to protect the weekends. The house and the family will adapt and survive! They want a happy mommy too...

Combine your evening routine of play time with the kids by using a resource like http://www.handipoints.com/ The site allows you to create the chore list for your kids, they learn how to pick up after themselves and contribute to the household. These are important lessons for every child to learn well! The site does a great job of building in the incentives for the children to want to pitch in. Sometimes my kids even ask me to add more chores to their list so they can buy more 'outfits' for their character on the site. If your kids are older, they may not respond to this particular site, but either way, they can do their part to keep the house in order.

I too work outside the home and I have three boys aged 7 down to 3 -- and my husband works til 9 most days -- my advice is to relax about the pick up -- you have two kids so some mess is to be expected. I do not have a cleaning lady but I do clean my bathrooms (quick toilet, sink and floor) two to three times per week. I overlook some of the little messes until I can have more time to do it. My house is generally somewhat picked up. I also have the kids help out a lot. Not crazy, but make sure that they learn to put their dish away when finished, put their laundry in the laundry, take their laundry up and try to put it away (realizing that it may not be perfect but it helps me out and teaches them about helping out). It is all a balancing act. No you are not crazy, but you do need to find some time for you each day even if it is 15 minutes reading a hollywood trash magazine to escape your life before going to bed. Relax. Look at the big picture... remember what it is all about -- and that is to live life -- with your kids and not stressed out about being superwoman -- and, one last thing, continue to work as a team with your husband -- good luck!

Sounds like you need sleep and alot of it. Along with some time for yourself.
I have a 22 month old and a 3.5 year old and I feel exactly the same way. Working full time and caring for 2 small kids is a hard job. My other half keeps telling me the house is clean but if I see a spot on the floor I have to wash the entire floor. I have decided that you can not have a perfectly clean house with children. I keep trying to remind myself that my boys are not going to remember a clean or dirty house but they will remember all the time mom spent playing with them. I also try to remember that the house is here for us, we are not here for the house. My friends keep telling me as the boys get older it will get easier. They will not be so time consuming and demanding. Hang in there, get a babysitter, have your husband take you out for a nice dinner and be thankful that your children are healthy. Before you know it you will be teenagers, along with a whole new set of problems for you. Some time for yourself along with a little sleep will make you into a new person and probably a better mom. Hang in there, their are alot of us working, tired moms who feel the same way..

Hi

I 1 child and tried to go back to work but hated it because I messed him so much and I am now having my 2nd. The decision to stay home was tough because I had to give up a large salary but when I really did the math and looked at our budget, I found that I could work part-time at the mall and bring home a few hundred less than working full-time and paying daycare. Now with a 2nd I would be paying double to a daycare and that would not have been worth my time away form my family. I mean I have had to make some sacrifices, I cut coupons, I do not but clothes all the time and I really watch how we spend our money. I do have to work some weekends usually not both days, but I would rather be away from my family then, then have to miss out being with my child. Did I mention my hisband travels all week so I can not work nights unless I pay a sitter and that defeats the purpose so i work when I can. I hope this helps you in your search for the perfect solution.

I know you have already received tons of responses, and I don't know if you are even checking this anymore, but I just wanted to tell you that I saw this really interesting story on 60 minutes about how lack of sleep can affect your body and mind. 5-6 hours a night is detrimental to your physical and mental health. I bet if you took 3-4 days and just let it all "fall apart", and just get a few nights of good sleep, you would really see this all in a whole new light. Good luck!

I truly understand what you're going through, M.. My daughter is 20 years old now and I still remember what I called the "day care nightmare" of having to work all day and get to my daughter by 6:00 p.m. My husband also helped out, but I found myself fighting depression 5 days a week - from the time I got up, got her to day-care, got to the train, then to the job - it was too much! I would actually cry on Monday mornings! I thought something was wrong with me and that I was inadequate because "I couldn't do it all" and we needed both incomes, so I had no choice. There's always a solution, M.! I started a secretarial service out of my home; I worked part-time 2-3 days per week; I sold Avon, and found myself earning enough money to help maintain our home AND have time to take care of my family! Many times I would get up at 2:00 a.m. to type a paper, but could lie down for a nap at 10:00 a.m. if I needed/wanted to. It made all the difference in the world and my daughter loved being picked up by mommie at 3:00 in the afternoon instead of 6:00 - or later - being one of the last kids there! What worked for me may not be the solution for you, but not much will change as long as you're working outside the home on a full time basis. I know this isn't much help, but I had to respond because I felt the same way you're feeling now and I was miserable. You'll find a solution. Good luck!!

Do your housework while playing with the bos. They can pick-up their toys,clothes, and whaever you want and put them where they belong. Tell that husband of yours that he's not doing nearly enough. You should be getting as much sleep as he's getting. You're staying up at least 2 hours too much each night. Before you go to bed, throw a tub of clothes in the wash machine and when you get home, put it in the dryer. My kids always played with 1 or 2 toys at a time. NO MORE. Most kids have way too much to play with and their attention span is way too short. Have them put the toy away when they're done before taking another one out to play. Hubby can do yard work, windows, garbage daily, and help with backing up laundry. You have to share that housework to make a happy invironment. If you can afford a maid, you can work less and do it yourselves. Good luck.

Hey M...guess what.. children will teach you alot about yourself..and probably one of this biggest ones is what you and all of us have learned..WE ARE NOT PERFECT AND NEITHER IS OUR WORLD..My daughter is now 20 and I can still remember this flustration..soo that being said..the way around this is to network..Do you have friends in the same boat?? My friends and I would take and rotate 1 night through the week..every 3wks I had the kids and fed them dinner and kept them until 8:30pm...this gave me 3 days a month to put meals in my freezer, mop a floor, or spend some time with thier father..Now before you say "oh I couldnt do that" remember a frustated mom isnt easy on the kids either, and they enjoy the play time...I always thought with the structure they had in school the social time was beneficial to them as well..sooo find friends in the boat!!! My best friend Carrie used to say "Along bubble bath and a 1hr undistrubed nap can cure anything!" Be good to you....

M.:
I know oh so well how overwhelming this can all be, I am a mother of 5 and grandmother of 1 now with mom/baby living with us while she finishes college. There is never an easy answer to your dilema of working w/kids, however the way I always approached my life with kids and work was that I had to get up every morning and give thanks for what was working right in my life...kids were healthy, I was healthy as well as my husband, we had a home, jobs and food on the table. Yes, it was exhausting at times, but things could have been so much worse. So, that's it, take time to focus on all the good things, leave some things undone (get to bed before midnight, I always did) and when you wake up in the morning take a nice deep breath and smile (even if you have to force yourself)you sound like you have a lot of wonderful things going on in your life!! Lucky you. and p.s. take a multi-vitamin and drink lots of water everyday,it really helps.

Breathe! You will get through this, you just need to breathe first.

There are four of you in the house making a mess. This warrants the weekly cleaning service. And you deserve it. You are absolutely right not to want to clean on the weekends. That should be family time. During the week after work is only a limited amount of time to spend together. My mom worked really tough hours when I was growing up. She would have us help her make dinner, as there was always a dish easy enough and safe for little helpers.
Here's a few other things you could do to free up more time.

*online bill payment set up through your bank. It takes me 5 minutes to get it done and I never look for stamps.

*Peapod.com grocery shopping. Even with the extra delivery charge, I shop in the discount section and use coupons for everything. I actually spend only $3 more (we checked)and that $3 is worth the 2 hours I don't have to spend at the grocery store.

*have the kids help with laundry. Turn sorting into a game, and make getting clothes into the washer a basketball like game too. my son loves to help me with the laundry (19mos). Granted it takes longer, but we're spending time doing something together and he has so much fun I have started really enjoying laundry day.

*Talk to your husband and make a schedule for dinners, that way he has his days to take care of it, and you do, and on your dinner night off you get extra alone time or play time with the kids.

Also make sure you remember to take some time out for you. Even if it's to go to a bookstore or coffee shop or to get your nails done for an hour on the weekend. It is necessary for every adult to rebalance and reconnect with oneself. Remember the creedo..If mama ain't happy...Ain't nobody happy.

I hope it gets better for you.

Wow, you have gotten so many responses! Sorry I don't have time to read them all. You probably don't either! But let me add my 2 cents. You are exhausted because you are sleep deprived! Everything seems worse when you are running on a sleep defecit. Make sleep a priority for a couple of weeks - 8 hours a night MINIMUM. Then see how you feel about everything. You say you make the housework second but sounds like you are putting it on equal footing with your kids bc you deprive yourself of sleep to get it done. That means you are depriving your kids of a fully functioning mom. Get some sleep M.! Sweet dreams!

I know in your post it says staying home is not a possibility. I just went part time after realizing that with 3 kids, 2 parents working full time will not work. We went through and figured what we could cut out, and what we would not live without. We also figured out what I spend to work. We cut things like cable TV, "rent" DVD's and books from the library(we walk there), eating out as much, paying others to do things for us. My cost of working included wear and tear on the car, extra $$ for car insurance due to mileage, gas cost, work clothes cost, eating out due to work, spending money on co-workers birthdays, babies and collections(ie:fundraisers, charities), having to buy something for the kids that is more convenient instead of being creative at home because I didn't have the time(ex: making cupcakes over buying cupcakes). I don't know if this would help in your situation or not. Also depending on the age of the children, start engaging them in picking up after themselves, my 4 and 7 year old separate laundry, pick up toys, vaccuum, wipe down counters, older one will do simple dishes, picking up sticks in the yard, weeding as they have been told that they are a part of the family. If you are the insurance carrier and can't cut hours, look for a position that offers insurance for part time work. Figure out which parent it makes more sense to sacrifice the job for the house and the kids. Last but not least it is okay for your house not to be June Cleaver perfect, it is okay to have dust on a shelf. It is not okay to not enjoy life, your kids and your husband. Also does your husband stay up until midnight worrying about the housework? or is he in bed or watching TV. Make sure he knows you feel like you are drowning.

Good luck,
Barbara

You have to learn to "let it go". A perfectly clean house will not happen as long has you have kids. Enjoy the times when the cleaning lady comes. After that, "good enough" has to be the standard. I work full time in a high stress job.. I have 3 kids.. I used to obssess..
Also, I have come to terms with the fact that I will not have more than 6 1/2 hours of sleep until the kids are a little older. Don't come to my house and expect no clutter.. there's lots of it.. I do what I can. Mine are 3,4, and 1. Get some exercise when you can, too. That will help with the quality of your sleep. Good luck. Take a deep breath.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
What saved my sanity & quite possibly my marriage was hypnosis. It is really about stress management techniques and a way of altering thoughts to be more relaxed and positive. I don't feel overwhelmed anymore.

M.,

I read all of the responses here, and must say as a mother of three that this question AND the answers were very therapeutic for me! (you never know when you can help someone else just by asking). My kids are 15, 3 and 18 months. I was trying to do it all as well, and I just had to re-prioritize and consider what was most important. First and foremost, you can't be productive at home, work or in your relationship with your husband if you don't take care of yourself. I have decided it's a must. Here's what I do for me:

1. I wake up 30-45 minutes before the kids (5:00a) so that I have time to meditate, pray, take a shower in peace and prepare mentally for the day ahead.
2. I try my best, even though it's tough at times, to have the kids in bed no later than 9 p.m. (the little ones are still challenging me on this :) I use that time to do some prep for the next morning (clothes, bags, etc.), then I do something I like to do (email fam and friends, watch my favorite tv show)
3. On my twenty minute commute to and from work I read something I am personally interested in to improve me personally or professionally (right now I'm reading Suze Orman's book on money and women)
4. On the weekends the kids take two hour naps, and I use that time to pay bills, clean or DO NOTHING!!--It truly depends on my energy level.

As for managing the household:

1. I try to cook two - three meals on Sundays to get me through most of the week, and do take out (usually comparable to the cost of a dinner) or find something quick to cook to round out the rest of the week.
2. I prepare the kids clothes for the whole week so that I can just grab what I need each morning
3. Bath time varies depending on my energy level and if we have other events happening, most often at night though
4. I'm trying to get better at cleaning up right as it's being messed up sometimes, but the reality is that the little ones do a lot of messing up!! We have "clean up" time before they go to bed...I picked this up from their daycare b/c I couldn't figure out how she kept her house so clean with 10 kids there. This means everybody picks up the toys when they are done playing, keeping the place in a semi-tidy state.
5. My son who is 15 washes his own clothes and is on dish duty.

Now let me just say that I don't even do all this perfectly. Some weeks are hit or miss depending on what else is going on in our lives, but just having a sort of system helps.

Check out Flylady.net. If you aren't already familiar, it's a website that 'teaches' organization and managing your household one baby step at a time. So that you don't get too overwhelmed, you start small and gradually add things to your routines. I don't know how women work full time AND manage a home to be honest. The thought of it alone overwhelms me but I know it's not impossible. You might want to use the cleaners once per week until you are managing better and then revisit cutting back if you feel you can. A lot of messing happens in 2 weeks so it's probably just not enough right now. Flylady will also teach you to take care of yourself, including going to bed on time. And, she teaches you to let go of perfection (i.e. getting the house clean the night before the cleaners come?). Sign up for her emails - it's free and can really help you one step at a time.

If it makes you feel any better...you are not alone. I am exhausted too. We try to be these super moms....we want to be sucessful in our careers, be the best mom to our kids, give them the best we have to offer, be great wives...something's gotta give.

IN my case, there are even more obligations that i won't get into...but i suggest you try talking to your husband about some of your feelings, though men mostly don't realize how much women have to do so don't blame him if he is not very sympathetic. Most men and women believe the stereotype that it is a woman's responsibilty to keep the house in order and clean, and for the children to be properly fed, clothed and well behaved. Men are expected to be the providers.

Yet today most women also have jobs and are the providers. Still nothing has changed, if the house is not clean and orderly most people will blame the woman. If the children are not well behaved, it is a bad reflection on the woman. Most people are a lot more sympathetic to the single father than the single mom when it comes to well behaved children and clean homes.

You have to find balance in your life, and be real about expectations for yourself, as a burned out mom or wife cannot be the best mom or wife in a prolonged consistent state. You have to decide if having a maid once a week will add more work and stress to your life or if you can put up with a house that is less than perfect. Maybe you don't have to cook 7 days a week. Maybe you can designate certain days or nights as ones for eating out so you can spend more quality time with your family instead of cooking and cleaning. YOu shoud attempt to connect with other families with kids of similar ages that you can exchange date nites with. The best gift you can give to your children is a strong marriage. Divorce in America is over 50%! Marriage is tough, times make it tougher. Do everything you can to preserve the happiness and passion you have in your marriage, it will make you a better wife, better worker, and a better mom if you are happy and fulfilled.

I speak more from what i have learned over the years than what i have done. I recently ended a 7 year divorce, and look back and see what i could have and should have done. Dont' be a martyr mom, and remember that protecting your marriage is critical to the foundation of your family.

ON the airlines they always tell you to put the life saving mask on yourself before you put it on your child...you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of all those around you. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, and i continue to learn and remind myself daily of this. Best of luck to you!

PS. There are many more other ideas that may help, i just named a few, as i have to get back to work.

I know exactly how you feel. I work a full time job (7:30 - 3:30)with a 10 month old and a 15 year old. To add to that my husband and I own a business where we are both there from 4 pm to 9 pm Monday to Friday and 9 am to 2:00 pm on Saturdays. It is very tough having to juggle everything. I spend a lot of nights wondering if I will ever get everything done. I spend the weekends doing all the chores and errands that need done. My husband and our 15 year old help out a lot. I think we do a pretty good job with handling all the responsibilities. But it is still hard for me to feel relaxed. With everything we have going on our house is a mess. Consider yourself lucky that you have a cleaning lady twice a month. Not that we can't afford it but I am a clean freak and since I don't have time to clean my house I am too embarrassed to have someone else see it. I would have to clean it first before I can have someone come and see it. I don't even want guests in our house because of it. I wish there was more time in the week to do things but there isn't. My priority right now is spending time with my husband and kids. I guess we need to give ourselves a pat on the back for doing what we do everyday. My husband always tells me not to worry too much and that I am doing a great job. Easier said than done but we do need to be greatful for having our family and we need to stop worrying too much about other things.
By the way, I would love to be a stay at home mom as well. I hate missing all the new things my baby does everyday.
Hang in there! It will be all worth it someday. At least that's what I tell myself when I start to feel crazy :-)

I know what you are doing. when my kids were little I did the same thing but in between the time of all of the stuff I did, I took a break for me to breath. You have to or you will brun your self out you have to know you can not help no one when you are down so slow down and breath a little. Do let life beat you up and don't let it make you forget about you are. SOME TIME YOU HAVE TO SIT IN YOUR CAR FOR A MINUTE BEFORE YOU PICK YOU BOYS UP BREATH. I have3 boys and 5 little ladies

I feel for you. Maybe ask your husband if he can help up picking things up. Or maybe make a game of it with your sons and then you will be spending time with them and cleaning up at the same time. I play a game with my kids some time with folding the laundry and that is they get to play the match game with the socks. Sounds goofy but they think it is fun...
Hope anything helps...
K.
Mom of a 5yr old girl and 3yr old boy

Maybe you need to do some tough comparisons. Are you sure you can't stay home? really compare the money you are earning to the costs...having someone come to clean, daycare, work clothing, gas to travel to work, lunches out(if you eat out).Once you do that, you can compare the costs to what you bring home in pay. This is what i did about 8 years ago! I found that for all of my hassle, I was only clearing about 3 thousand dollars. Not worth it! I told my husband that I would cut out my extras etc. I cook a lot from scratch. we don't eat out all of the time etc. I am available to go to my son's class, help with community stuff etc. Otherwise, my only suggestion is to not worry about the house being a little too messy! go to bed a little earlier and stop to take a deep breath. good luck to you.

Let go of having a perfect house and hire a cleaning person! It might be tight to add it to the budget, but it keeps you from spending more time in the bathrooms scrubbing and what not and more time to relax and ENJOY the time with the boys. =) That has been one of the biggest helps for me. Give yourself permission to say NO, and not do everything perfectly. So laundry sits in the basket a couple nights.. it's OK really. So there are crumbs on the floor a too much clutter on the table. The kids don't care and you WILL get to it! =)

Hope that helps?!

Dear M.,
My heart goes out to you.
Although I can't tell you how to juggle such a schedule, I can empathize with being tired all the time, and not feeling able to cope with life. That was two years ago.
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N.

Hi M.,
I'm a stay-at-home mom with a teen, tot and infant and believe me, it's not much easier! Most days I don't get anything done, or completed at least. I, like you am a bit of a perfectioniost when it comes to wanting the house spotless. I've realized it is NEVER going to happen, lol! Some days I look at the mess and thank God I have a home and beautiful family to make all this mess. The other thing that helps is addressing the ANXIETY. Sometimes it's not the hubby, the kids, or the mess, it's the anxiety cloduing the ability to handle it all that makes everything seem worse. I'm against meds, and am in way an alcoholic, but a quarter glass of wine does absolute wonders!!! It calms my anxiety and helps me handle everything easier some days, especially during the mid-month "hormonal craziness". I think by eating well, exercising (do it with the kids), addressing any medical imbalances (ie, thyroid, hormonal, adrenal...), even if you can't change the day-to-day stressors you will be able to handle them in a calmer, happier manner. Best Wishes!

Hello M.,

As mother's we are super woman, we cook, clean, play with the kids. I know how you feel. I used to keep a schedule of what has to be done, Sometimes things would have to wait for the weekend.

But here is what I suggest. Dont get mad.. Your husband needs to step up some more.Because it seems like you are a single mom. Instead of being married. You should not be going to bed at midnight. Try to sort things out that needs to be done first, and let him do what is not that important.

Like he can get the laundry started, if he gets home before you. Help with the dishes, help you prepare dinner.

And if you have to do ironing try to do that on sundays to get it out the way.

But, you should not have to ask him to help he should want to help. If not, dont feed him let him fend for himself see how he likes that

I know you said not working is not an option, but right now I'm reading "Your Money or Your Life" by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin and "Shattering the Two-Income Myth" by Andy Dappen and they've really opened my mind to the possibilities we have for escaping the "rat race" most Americans live in and creating a simpler but more joyful, fulfilling life.

K.

I feel your pain!!!! Your days and nights sounds exactly like mine. I have 3 boys, one in day care, and the other 2 in school, ages 3,5,&12. I am a teacher so I take care of other peoples kids when I'm at work, and I have to come home to my own after to work. My husband helps when he's at home, but his work schedule is hectic so he's not always around to help. My house is fairly big, and I don't have a cleaning service. I do it all myself. The kids have some chores that they are responsible for, but for the most part everything falls on me. It is very stressful being a working mother. However, I wouldn't trade it for the world. If I had to stay at home with my boys every day, I think that would be even more stressful. I need that time away from family life in order to keep my sanity. I am a Christian, and I do a lot of praying. It's not my own strength that keeps me going, it's God's strength. The bible says that God shows His strength in your weakness. He wants you to depend on Him. All day long I have to ask God to give me the strength, and it works. I usually go to bed pretty late also trying to stay up with my husband so that I make sure that we get our time together. Life is hectic, so I completely understand where you are coming from. If possible, take a vacation. Get away from it all for a while. Sometimes that gives you peace of mind and that energy that you need to keep going. Pray about it and hang in there.

God bless,
A concerned mother

Hi-

I am also a working, married, mom of two. I completely understand what you are dealing with. My boys are 10 & 11 now, so I think that things have started getting better for me, but you are right it is difficult. I have just learned to do a lot of planning. It's easier for me when I plan out the weeks meals in advance. i do all of the laundry on Saturday morning, and then don't think about again until the next Saturday. I have all of by boys ( husband included) pitch in on the cleaning and up keep. And when all else fails, I relax and let things go for a moment. I have just come to feel that if my house isn't perfect sometimes, that's fine, as long as my family is happy and in tact. The time I spend with them is more important than my house being dust free..... I know this didn' help, but just wanted to share how I deal with it......

You sound like me! I'm 37, work outside the home and have two beautiful girls (3 and 6 months) and have a working, helpful husband, plus 2x per month cleaning ladies. I can totally relate and unfortunately, I just think it is what it is until the kids get a little more self sufficient and can get themselves dressed, fed, etc. My husband and I say it feels like "Groundhog Day" becuase it's the same. We're in bed usually around midnight too and up and at the same routine again. It's exhausting...I just try to say who cares about the house some days. I am a maniac the night before the cleaning ladies come so it seems to be an endless cycle. Plus, we have a dog who sheds like a maniac so in addition to dust bunnies, we have dog hair stacks. I try to vacuum/swifter twice a week at least. Just wanted to say I can relate and I'm not sure there's a solution, but just knowing you're putting your kids/family first (yes, the husband is in there somewhere!) is enough. Your house will eventually be clean and spotless! I think most working moms will tell you the same thing.

I suggest getting an au pair that is not too expensive and could help you with everything -- then you wouldn't be stressed having to get them to and from Daycare... and she could help you more around the house, too. I am a single working Mom of a toddler (16 months) -- my saving grace is live-in help. Good luck, M.

HI M.--
I don't know how other moms do it either. I was a teacher for 3 years managing a 2 yr old and 6 month old. I was exactly like you and felt like my life was ALL about cleaning and working. Nothing was enjoyable, just work. A long story led me to being at home with my kids, now a third one added and I was forced to make a living at home. I couldn't be happier. I am still extremely busy, but in a different way. I can make my own schedule and still have time for the zoo and museums with my kids. If you would like to at least hear how you could work from home, I would love to tell. If not, I wish you the very best and really feel for your situation. Remember, you're only one person...Give yourself a break:)

Try going to flylady.com or reading her book Sink Reflections - it's all about baby steps to get your life in order. It may help you with your anxiety about keeping everything clean and will give you systems to do everything to run your house so it doesn't take more than a few minutes daily. She is a lifesaver!

M.,

I think you are very typical and please do not feel like 'everyone else is doing it, why cant I?' From my experience and in talking with other moms, we are all just 'hanging on'. I wish there was some magic that makes everything blance out nice and even but there isn't. You have to be able to balance it out in your own head. Like you said yourself you need to be able to leave some clutter and just walk around it. What time does your husband go to bed? Are you spending time with him every night too? I know he can look past the clutter, he is a man and they just have an uncanny ablility to do that. Try to yourself and make peace with the fact that when the boys grow up the house will be clean, it will happen faster than you can imagine.
Good luck!

God, it's like I wrote your post myself. I too work full time out of the home. I am on night shift at a hospital and the work is extemely exhausting. Add on top of that two under the age of two and trying to keep the house in some semblence of order and you have a recipe for an exhausted and overwhellmed mommy. I have learned to let some things go (like the kitchen being cleaned 100% of the time, the laundry always folded and put away immediately, etc.) but it still gets to me sometimes. I know that this is when I am at my most tired. We are moving into a new home in two weeks (no more apartment living!!!) and I am already overcome by how much more work this will be in terms of keeping the space liveable. Perhaps I will talk to hubby about hiring a cleaning service, as I think you might be onto a good solution for much of your problem. I know it's hard to balance work and quality time with the kidlest and the husband. And sometimes men really don't get how certain things are important to women much more so than for them. I found with my husband, who stays at home full time with the wee ones, that when I explained that it's really difficult to relax, enjoy myself and be a part of what's going on at home when I feel I am constantly having to do things that when I stayed home with the kids full time are being overlooked and are important to making the home feel comfortable. He saw my point, wanted me to enjoy what little time I do have with the kids and him, and started doing things without much prompting. Hope this helps, sorry so long and know you are not alone :)

M.,

I am a stay at home mom with 3 children - and even staying home I still feel like I am running around in circles! So kudos to you for working too! I work once in a while, so I know how hard it is. It sounds to me like you HAVE everything under control and that you ARE managing it all. And it's great that your husband is so helpful too. The only thing I can advise . . . try to remember that it's ok if the house is a little messy for a day, or let that last load or two of laundry go. NOTHING will get hurt if you slack off a little - especially when you feel really tired. It might just be my laziness, but I say to myself (and my husband) is anyone going to see the house today? Is there something gross that needs immediate cleaning? If not, try to take it easy. You don't have to be perfect all the time (or ever)! Good luck to you!

If you combined the costs of daycare, cleaning ladies, and transportation, would you be able to hire a nanny? You wouldn't be rushed to get everyone out the door in the morning, some cleaning would get done, and the kids would be home when you got home. Less stress, more time. I'm not sure if you can afford that luxury, but it would solve some problems.

M.-
What if you had a high school or middle school student come to your house and play with the boys once or twice a week for an hour or so, so that you could have some time to just get a little organized. Its sounds to me like you just need some time to breathe.

Hi M.--

I am a SAHM who homeschools her 3 kids--and our house is not clean, neat or organized on a daily basis. I would like it to be--but have given up and faced reality because we LIVE in our house :). Please don't beat yourself up over this. Best wishes--

M.-
I once was in your shoes a long time ago. I felt that I never could do anything well being stretched in so many directions...work, coming home to play with my child, making dinner, house cleaning, laundry and setting up our new home. I felt there was never enough quality time for anything especially my husband and alone time for me. I finally quit work and learned to make some sacrafices and, luckily for my family, it has all worked out. I eventually started my own home-based business. You probably have heard of Arbonne, but it has been one of the best things in my familly's life. Arbonne has allowed me to earn a residual income from home, contribute to the family income and still have quality time for family, friends, charity work and a tidy home!!! I, too, can't function in disorder. I finally am off the hamster spinning wheel...that's a good analogy as to how I felt back then.
I also have two boys (and a daughter) and have been married 14 years.

Hello- yes I work too. I leave my house at 5:15am and get home at 5pm and travel. I do have a cleaning service every week and sometimes a lady comes on Saturdays. It is worth the money and sanity. I am always tired too. It will always be that way but make sure you take just 1/2 hour 3x per week to work out or just to take care of yourself-it does help with your mental/emotional/physical state. I started to do that and it did make a difference. Maybe once a month go out with your husband and have a date night. It is a complete challenge but trust me if you were a stay at home mom you wouldn't have any more time-and you would likely be just as stressed. Remember your children would be home all day with you and you wouldn't be able to get anything done either. I hope this helps

Whoa!!! Take a deep breath and relax girlfriend! Close your eyes and repeat after me, "The dustbunnies appreciate the company; My family does not care if there are dishes in the sink; My house is not up for sale therefore does not need to look as though I am showing it for perspective buyers." WHEW. Hate to preach to you but gotta let go. And you have to get to bed on time! If you have little boys, they should be in bed by 7:30p so make your bed time 10p and stick to it! You need your sleep! Paying bills - pick whatever night is the day before garbage day and do them then. Our garbage day is on Thursday so my paying bill night is Wednesday (which is also laundry day - sometimes, I've grown flexible enough to allow Thursday to be laundry day if we have things going on on Weds). FLEXIBLE... if you keep repeating it to yourself, eventually it will sink in and you follow your own advice. =)

I am anal compulsive to where I drive myself insane but I have gotten to a point where I had to say enough is enough. My husband is out of the house before I even wake up and doesn't get home until after I do. I get the kids up in the AM and get them off to the sitter then go to work. I get off work and grab them from the sitter, take them home and we go through backpacks, have a snack and decide what we want for dinner. I wake up in the morning with the attitude that I'm lucky I see them in the morning and get my hugs and kisses before I head off to work. My babysitter is amazing and I know they are in good hands. My job sucks but it doesn't matter because I get to pick up the kids when I get off and I look forward to it every day. If I am stressed, they are nightmares. When I am calm, we have the best time and I'm sad they are growing up so fast. I do notice they behave better when their rooms are clean though. Might want to make it a point to leave the dishes and the dusting but have them clean their rooms to remove clutter.

Every couple months or so, I whirlwind through my house and clean until I can't clean no more. =) Makes me feel better (although with my allergies, it also makes me sneezy but at least it's clean!). My husband helps out a lot and is hands on with housework and laundry and kids and dog. Once I am done with graduate school (June 30 - YAY!!!!) I will have more time to irritate him err, I mean, help him. Tee hee.

Relax! Breathe! Enjoy life! GET SOME SLEEP!!!

Best of luck to you!!!

Hi M.,

Let's breath, believe and know that each day that goes by the kids get older and than they can help out. I worked full time for about 9 months after my third son was born. I have a 3,4,5 year old so I know there is hope for all.

You have to change your way of thinking. We all would love a clean house, with all of the laundry done and food on the table, but let's face it there are only so many hours in a day. You guys sound like you have a plan that is sort of working, but you have to know when enough is enough. You have to have a bedtime too. Make yourself a to do list for the week, not for the day. With a weekly to do list if something doesn't get done on Monday you still have 5 days to do it. Don't forget the Honey do list (this is the one for your husband) too.

So here's my suggestion for getting yourself into bed a little earlier and on time.
The dishwasher can be a mom's best friend. So while it's running you can do counters and floors. After the kitchen is done work on picking up 5-10 toys a night. Have this task on your husband's list as well. While you are doing your tasks this is daddy time. Put on your ipod and do your thing. Your thing may include picking out the kids clothes, your clothes, getting stuff ready for bath time and getting stuff ready for the next day. Remember, your are not looking at these tasks as chores or work they are simply things you have to do. Once the dishwasher is done than you and your husband can switch; or do bath time together. One washes and the other lotions. Once the little ones are all lotion up and smelling good get your mommie time in. I would get my floor play (I have been all types of animals) in before bath time so they are tired out before the warm water hits their bodies. Once they are in the bed than you can finish up what you didn't finish while the dishwasher was running. Don't forget to give daddy his time. 10-15 minutes of talking with each other will do you all the world of good.

I think the honey do list will help both so that you don't have to ask and he knows what you need help with. Let's talk about bill paying and laundry. On line bill payment is a wonderful thing. No more, "come back here with my checks or pens or purse". How about movie/laundry night? Doing this task while watching a movie worked really well for us. It's actually two fold because you guys are spending family time with each other. Ok, I didn't say the movies were going to be grown people movies.:-)

Ok, you may be saying it doesn't sound like I am still working full time outside of the house? I am working part time in the office and at home. I seem to do more hours working from home, than I did when I was in the office all day. Between dropping off and picking up, housework, cooking, homework and bowling (my activity with a bunch of grown people)I feel like I am working 2 1/2 jobs.

Maria, slow down, breath and change your way of thinking. Don't see your tasks as chores or work. Enjoy every momemt with your family and don't worry so much about everything else. Everything else will be there once the kids get a little older.

P.S. I hear you about the picking up for the cleaning service. I tried it once and thought all of this picking up I just clean it up for what I had to do. I would love a cleaning service twice a month. At least that would be 2 days that I wouldn't have to clean.

Take care and good luck

Sincerely,

C. (mommie of three boys)

P.S.

With five people and towels, linen and things of the like you can imagine how much laundry I have to do. Have bins that are sorted (one for whites, one for darks, one for delicates and so on) Have your husband to throw a load in when he gets up and you put it in the dryer before you leave. While you are cooking you can fold that load and have him to put it away or vice versa. Once laundry day kicks in than it's more of watching and playing while the movie is watching you.

M.,

I'm in the same boat as you ... however, I only have one little one - but it seems our lives are mirrored! LOL! Also, I just started going to school during the week to get my associate's degree in business(Twice per week, from 6-10 pm). I SHOULD hire a cleaning lady, too! If you get any good advice from any Super Mom's - please let me know! That's just it ... we are not super mom's, and we feel guilty about it! (No matter what we do!) I just wanted to let you know - you are not alone! I stress about the cleaning and picking up - there are dishes in the sink during the week and laundry is never ending and stressing about paying all the bills - it's crazy! = ) Just remember, there are alot of us crazy busy mom's out there trying to do it all, too! And we have to do the best that we can with what we have. = )

Take care!

I have a 3 mth old and clean houses for other people. I hate to go to houses that it looked like they cleaned before I came. I want to feel like I am doing some good when I clean. I expect the house to be picked up and then let me do the rest. I love to clean and it makes me feel good that I can help the working mom and they can come home to a clean and fresh house....Number 1 learn to delegate jobs to help keep house picked up and laundry done. Your kids need to learn how to clean and cook before they move on. You are doing them a favor. Good luck

How old are your sons? I had a friend with six children and she made up a calendar (for everyone, including your husband and yourself) with chores every night for someone to do. Including cooking. Her youngest was 5 at the time so she would make sure she would buy tv dinners or something that could be put in the microwave. So next to your name was the chore for you to do so all they including yourself and husband had to do was look at that day. Her children had to clean the bathroom which she switched to someone else every other day so it would stay clean. Same for the laundry that way it doesn't pile up. And when her youngest was 4 she let her sort socks for matching purposes. Anyways don't take everything on yourself and as for the $65.00 that could go for the children as their payment for helping with the task on the calender. Thats what my friend did. And if the didn't to a chore or job as she called it (made them feel like they had a job just like you) she took x amount of money away at the end of the week to show them that just like your real job that if you don't do your job from the calendar you lose money. (Which taught them responsibility and consequences just like in the real world). Anyway good luck with everything. And you should get the tired out part really looked at from your doctor. My daughter was like that tired all the time and she has a part blockage on her right side of her neck that causes her thyroid to act up making her tired. Best of luck in all and if you would like to email me it is ____@____.com Have a Blessed Day. Koreena